04x03 - Breakthrough

[bunniefuu]

Where is she?

It's not like her to be late.

I'm just gonna call her.

I am not calling her.

I will not give her the
satisfaction of knowing...

- [phone rings]
- Huh?

- Hi, Pop.
- Hey, Ian. I'm not coming in today.

- David, I'm gonna miss our meeting.
- [gasps]

Yeah. I don't know if it's
my lady times or whatever,

but I am having
the wildest shits.

It's my kids. They're
being little shits.

[chuckles]

Carol, it's our
Tuesday morning dish.

You know that today
is Warrior Within Day.

I got croissants.
Ooh, and hot goss.

Forty pounds of obsidian.

And no one is more
bummed than me.

But, you know, what are
you gonna do? I'm sick.

Go on without me, I insist.

I insist we stop. All right?

It's unprofesh to gossip about what our
coworkers may or may not be doing. So...

Stop!

Oh, I could bring you some tea.

No more spilling the tea?

I heard Diane in accounting
is in an open marriage.

[gasps] Ooh.

No. No. No. We gotta stop this.

No, that's okay.

Storm's gonna come over and take
care of me and then he's gonna...

he's gonna take
care of me. Wink.

Gross. And don't say wink.

Now, where were we?

[sighing]

I think we got away
with it. [chuckles]

Get out.

Hey, Jo. You busy?

No... [sighs] ...just trying to
rediscover my life's purpose.

Okay. Well, in the meantime,

how would you like to help me get rid
of these delicious buttery croissants?

Sure.

Hey! I-I meant by eating
them. Come on. [sighs]

Well, they are still
in the box, so...

- Hey! What the hell is that, man?
- [sighs]

That is obsidian,

- a deeply spiritual mineraloid...
- [sighs]

that is forged at the earth's
core. Poppy ruined it.

Well, you just
ruined my croissants.

Whatever. [scoffs] It
doesn't even matter.

Carol canceled our meeting
and now I have nothing.

What's going on with you, David?

Just a sad man staring at a trash
can wondering what it's all for.

David, please take your
sad-man energy elsewhere.

Some of us are trying to
discover our life's passion.

Jo, I thought your life's
passion was assisting

so that you could gain power
and position over others.

I thought so too.

But Ms. Bryant challenged me to
do something more with my life.

I've given myself until end
of day to figure out what.

Oh, wait, this is what Poppy
and I were supposed to do today.

It's Warrior Within Day,

which is very important
for our creative process.

At the company's expense.

Well, yes. But its
value is immeasurable.

I mean, we... we make very
powerful breakthroughs

by harnessing the power of fire
and water and wind and earth.

And margaritas, according
to the invoices?

Yes, there are a
lot of margaritas.

Join me. Say yes
to your destiny.

Yes. I will walk through fire
to figure out my life's passion.

Awesome. But you don't actually
have to walk through fire.

- I will if you ask me.
- I won't.

- David?
- No.

- Stop saying no, say yes.
- Say yes.

- Say yes.
- I don't wanna...

- Say yes.
- All right, fine! Yes.

- [Ian, David] Yes.
- Yes!

- Ow. Geez.
- Oh.

[groans] Here we go.
He's so dramatic.

- David...
- [grunts] You hit my nose.

Jesus. You're bleeding, man.

- I'm bleeding?
- [Ian] Yeah.

Where?

[groans]

- [grunts]
- [groans]

- [groans] Ooh.
- [sighs] Wow.

[both chuckle]

- That was...
- Transcendent.

- Yeah. [chuckles]
- [groans]

That means good, right?

Oh, that's more than good.

- Yeah. Bump it.
- Yeah. Okay.

[both chuckle]

- Practice makes perfect.
- [sighs] Oh, man.

I actually don't really
like that word, "perfect."

I think it makes people
lose sight of joy,

and real happiness can
only be discovered...

- [tapping keys]
- when we allow...

- Are-Are you working?
- Yeah.

Didn't you just call in sick?

Yeah. So I could get out of
Ian's Warrior Within Day.

Before every expansion,
he drags me around

to witness the masturbatory faffery
he calls a creative process.

But joke's on him, 'cause while
he's out there having fun,

I'm gonna be in here
grinding until my eyes bleed.

- [scoffs]
- Suck on that, Ian.

[sighs] You know, Pop,

there's-there's real value
in not always grinding.

Oh, sh*t. Did I
mash up your dingle?

Sorry. I-I watched this master
class by this sex expert

and he said you have to keep
moving or they get bored.

No, no, no. That was good.
The movement was excellent.

- Yeah, it was. [chuckles]
- [chuckles] Okay.

Yeah, I'm just talking about, you know,
the-the recovery time as an artist.

You need that. It's important
for the creative process.

Yeah. My creative process is
that I crunch through the night

until Ian comes in the next morning
and tells me to change everything.

But, hey, you need pressure
to turn coal into diamonds.

[scoffs] Well,
actually diamonds,

they-they crystallize over millions
of years because they need time.

And I just think that you could use
some time too, away from all this stuff.

Yes. Yes, that is nice.

I guess I... I guess I never
thought about it like that.

Well, I think maybe that's why Ian
has this whole Warrior Within Day.

Because I think, on some level,

he knows that a break can
lead to a breakthrough.

But you have to do that
in your own way, not his.

So, what? I just...
I stop working?

Well, if you could do anything you
wanted to do today, what would that be?

Stay in bed all day.

So do it. No leaving.

Easy. I do it all the time.

Yeah, but do it
without your computer.

- Oh. Oh.
- Huh? [grunts]

- Okay.
- Hmm?

- Yeah. Okay, great. Yeah, I'll do it.
- Okay.

But you have to
stay in bed with me.

- Oh, that's a deal. [groans]
- [chuckles]

[Brad] Look at that. My God.

It's beautiful.

Thanks. I upgraded to more vivid
color palettes in Cozy Galaxy.

The data, you fool.
It's stunning.

Now that Playpen's in-game
currency has been implemented,

you're gonna finally
make some real money.

But only if players use Playpennies
to buy stuff from my game.

Oh, they will.

Children love to waste money
on useless flashy nonsense.

What up? What up?

The baddest b*tch at
MQ has just... Whoa.

- [groans] I tripped on my coat.
- [gasps]

- Are you okay?
- Ow. Yeah.

I thought you said you were
gonna return this thing?

What? I can't return this. It's
a Hustler original. J.Lo core.

Okay. Can someone
translate that?

Hustlers?

The 2019 smash-hit
stripper movie?

We watch it all the
time. We're obsessed.

We watch clips of it on YouTube.

We rented it the first time,

but Dana won't let us buy it because
she says it's a "waste of money."

Not everyone can splash the
cash like you two moneybags.

Well, maybe now that
Playpennies is in the game,

we could look for a nicer
place with a yard for the dog.

- [sighs]
- We got a dog.

Aw. Don't care.

Our place is totally fine.

The back wall of our apartment
is against a strip club.

Great. It's how we
got into Hustlers.

There's so many fistfights
in the alleyway.

Maybe, but I can't spend a bunch of
money on a new apartment right now.

- I gotta pay back my student loans.
- [sighs]

Okay. Okay.

I can't stand here anymore and
listen to you waste your money.

Thank you. Tell her please.

- [Rachel sighs]
- I'm talking about you.

Paying student
loans, are you nuts?

There's no bigger waste of money
than repaying government subsidies.

Ha! Who's financially
irresponsible now, b*tch?

- Excuse me?
- I'm sorry. It's the coat. It's the coat.

You are too. And that
coat is ridiculous.

- This coat slays.
- Enough.

You're both finally earning
money now, due to my hard work.

I'm like a father who has to protect
the most important thing in his life.

Aw. Us?

Money, you twits.

- Yeah, that makes more sense.
- Yeah. Makes sense.

Today I'm gonna teach
you to respect money.

We can make any weapon we want?

Oh, yes.

You are only limited by
your own imaginations

and by whatever you
can bring to life

using the elements of
fire from the forge,

winds from the bellows
or from the earth itself,

which, in this case, is steel
pulled from Mother Gaia.

And what does this mess of Eastern and
Western philosophies teach us exactly?

Only everything, David.

The weapon that one chooses tells us
exactly what kind of warrior they are.

I want to make a small dagger.

Interesting, Jo. Let's
dig into that. Why?

Well, if I was
gonna k*ll someone,

like David, for example,

- I'd get up close like this...
- Ow. [grunting]

so I could feel the blood
splatter on my face.

I'd want to see the look of
recognition in his eyes as he died.

[exclaims] Jesus.
You're f*cking insane.

Jo, your weapon choice tells
me that you are a rogue.

You like to k*ll
unseen and unheard,

most importantly, unrecognized,

which is exactly what makes
you an effective assistant.

I never thought of it like that.

Yeah, I'm gonna make a breastplate, I
think. Where's the breastplate section?

No, we're here to make
weapons. Not armor.

But the best weapon is the one
that protects you the best, right?

- No, the best weapon is a broad sword...
- [gasps, chuckles]

[chuckles] ...which is
what I'm gonna make.

Although, I will say that a
breastplate is quite revealing for you.

It's created to take a pounding
and still keep working,

much like a fortress or a
off-road vehicle or a...

A vag*na.

A vag*na. Yes.

David, you are a vag*na who's
afraid to take a pounding.

No, no. I-I take a pounding.
I can take a pounding.

I mean, yes, I
guess you could say

that the breastplate could represent
that I'm afraid to get hurt.

[gasps, chuckles] Look at this,
two revelations before lunch.

[chuckles] I cannot wait to
rub this in Poppy's face.

She's gonna be so jealous when
I show her my giant broadsword.

We should take some photos.

Let's take... Let's take
a photo or something.

Is that a hive?

- Huh? Uh, no, I don't think so.
- Yeah.

Yeah, Poppy gets those. She gets
them when she's stressed out.

- Yeah, that's a hive.
- Poppy gets hives

because she has the pH
balance of a car battery.

- [Jo] Hmm.
- I'm fine, all right?

Now, let's go bend
some steel to our will.

[knocks on door]

Pizza?

Uh. Hello?

[Poppy] Coming!

[machine whirring]

Take the money and put
the pizza on my face!

[Storm chuckles] I'm so sorry.
That sounded really weird.

[Poppy chuckles]

- Okay. Here it comes.
- Door to bed service, baby.

- Ooh, should we order weed?
- [Storm] No, we're not ordering weed.

I hate this job.

How the hell did
you hack a vacuum?

Oh, please, all I did was create
a simple Python script on my phone

so I could intercept the
Roomba's Wi-Fi signal

to send direct signals to its
motor system by emulating its API.

Any moron could do that.

- Except Ian. Burn.
- [both chuckle]

Can you believe that he
doesn't think I'm funny?

No, I can't.

[groans]

[sniffs, sighs]

- A lovely cheese pizza just for us.
- [chuckles]

- Kevin McCallister?
- Home Alone.

- Yes. Wow, you got that, really?
- [chuckles]

- Yeah, I get your references.
- Aw.

- Not like Ian's.
- [both chuckle]

Have you ever heard
of Ferris Bueller?

Yeah, it's a great movie.

Yeah, I know, I love it.

- [phone chimes]
- Oh, sh*t.

- Oh, no, I totally forgot.
- What?

I have that Zoom meeting soon
with the Dutch Ministry of Culture

for that Rotterdam installation.

- That's okay. That's fine. I mean...
- [groans]

I guess bed day's over. I'll go
get your clothes and we can...

No, no. Hey. Wait,
where you going?

The floor is lava.

Okay, so what are we gonna do?

Well, I do not want to give up on
bed day because of some dumb meeting.

So, if you can
dress up a Roomba,

you think you could do
something with this?

[chuckles]

So, I've gone through your
rat's nest of financial info

as well as three years of tax returns
provided by your accountant. Uncle Joe?

Yeah, that's my,
uh, mom's brother.

He is a polyamorous magician that does
taxes on the side for extra money.

The way you treat money
is offensive to me.

You're children.

[both] Sorry.

- We just feel like...
- Okay, no more feeling,

no more emotions of any kind.

We do not sully
money with emotions.

We stick to the data.

And according to the data,

uh, Rachel is, by several magnitudes,
more broke than you are, Dana.

How? She makes way
more money than I do.

Well, she's also a quarter million
dollars in debt from Berkeley

and other failed attempts
at higher education.

Rachel, uh, are you aware

that you're currently enrolled in
an online pottery course at RISD

that you haven't
attended in two years?

I forgot my log in and I...

- Yep.
- And why have you spent over ten grand

at an auto body shop?

I needed new brakes and tires

and a clutch,
transmission, head gasket.

- [Dana whimpers]
- And what is, uh, "DragCon"

and why have you
spent $3,580 there?

- [both] Merch.
- [inhales sharply]

[clicks tongue] Let's change
gears. What's your five-year plan?

Why don't we start there and
then maybe we can strategize.

So, uh, our five-year plan is
we're definitely gonna be living

- in a super cute house...
- Mm-hmm.

- In, like, Boulder, Colorado.
- Mm-mmm.

No. I told you I don't want to be
the only Black person in Boulder.

Okay.

Uh, well, we'll definitely be
married by then and then...

Isn't five years
a little too soon?

I wanna be financially
stable by then.

So I'm supposed to just wait around for
you to make an honest woman out of me?

What am I to you? Hustlers?

- Something you rent and never buy?
- Come on, babe.

- You know it's not like that.
- Don't touch me.

Got it. I have the solution
to your finances. Break up.

- Screw you, man.
- What?

Dana, you need to nurture
this new Cozy Galaxy money

so it can mature into
something beautiful.

More money.

And the only way to do that
is to set aside emotion

and cut Rachel and her
massive debt loose.

We are not breaking up just
so I can save a few bucks.

Yeah, what about our happiness, Brad? All
of our hard work. Where is the reward?

That's what the money's for!

Don Draper. Okay. You see,
now I'm getting emotional.

Oh, man. [chuckles]

God. [stammers] Horses
are such powerful animals.

I think that's why I feel
such a kinship with them.

[gasps] I've never
been to the ocean.

- [gasps]
- What? You live in Los Angeles.

No, I live Inland.

That way I can pretend
I live in a swing state.

I mean, the ocean's powerful
too. My God. Look at it.

Yes. Guys, we've done every
element so far and now, water.

We will go into the
ocean and emerge reborn.

Yes. [laughs] Yes!

- Wait, sorry. What do you mean?
- We're gonna jump into the f*cking ocean.

Yeah. Uh. That's... I... You
know, I'm all for rebirth. Uh-huh.

But, um, there's riptides
and there could be sharks.

- And also we got a female subordinate...
- [shrieks]

- There she goes.
- I shall cleanse myself

for my male superiors.

She really would
walk through fire.

[Jo] I'll do anything!

That's the thing about her. She
doesn't do anything half-a*s.

Whoa! What the hell?
What is happening?

I'm totally and
completely naked, David.

I can see that.

Now it's time for you to
remove that breastplate.

What?

- And embrace your destiny.
- My destiny is me being naked?

- You're getting naked too, bro.
- Come on, man.

I don't have the same
body type as you.

All you talk about is
how fearful you are.

Well, maybe it's time to
show a little vulnerability.

- Take off your clothes.
- I don't want to.

- Get naked, David! Say yes! Yes. Damn it.
- All right. Fine. Yes. Yes.

[exclaims]

- You want me to be naked, I'll be naked.
- Yes! Yeah. Yeah!

[both exclaim]

- God, that feels so good, doesn't it?
- [pants]

- Oh, you really embraced it.
- Yes.

Why are you hard?

Huh?

Oh, yeah. I don't know.

I think it was, like, the power
of the horses, or the moment.

I mean, the saddles rubbing
up against the body.

Don't blame the saddles, David.

I think you're just
engorged by the moment. Yes.

- You're really accepting it, you know.
- [chuckling] Yeah.

Poppy used to sit on the
beach and just eat fish tacos

and fight away seagulls.

Can you not talk about Poppy right now?
'Cause it's kind of k*lling my, you know.

- You're the one that brought her up.
- [sighs] Uh, no, you brought it up

and-and you got hives all over your body
so I don't know what's going on with you.

I know. I noticed that. That's actually
just, um, I think it's from the saddles,

like saddle rash.

So your hives are 'cause of the saddle,
but my erection is not from the saddle?

- Let's just jump in the water, all right?
- Yeah, yeah.

Where's Jo?

Uh, I didn't see
her come back up.

Can she swim?

- [David] Jo! Jo!
- [Ian] Jo!

[Storm] Art should be
enjoyed by everybody.

We feel the same way.

We are very excited to break
ground on this project.

Thank you so much.

I'm also looking forward to
trying an authentic stroopwafel.

[board members chuckle]

Okay. Yes. Thank you.
Yes, I'll be in touch.

- [board member] Take care.
- Okay.

- [chuckling]
- Holy sh*t. We pulled that off.

And you looked good doing
it. Am I a fashion designer?

Oh, you have the eye, kid.

And you have all the chip clips in your
nightstand. So that was very helpful.

Every night I bring
a chip clip into bed,

thinking that I'm not gonna
finish the entire bag of chips

and that has never
happened even one time.

- [chuckles]
- Now tell me about this stroopwafel.

Oh, it's so good. It's like
waffle with salted caramel inside.

- Let me show it to you. Oh, my gosh.
- [alarm chimes]


entire day spent in bed.

- [chuckles]
- I am so proud of us.

And I-I-I didn't even
think about work once.

- Weird. [chuckles]
- Mmm.

I think it's just 'cause
you're so easy to be around.

- Aw.
- Not like Ian.

[chuckles] So, you and Ian,

- were-were you ever an item?
- No, ew, no. [chuckles]

It's okay. I don't care.

I just thought, you brought him up a
lot today and I was just wondering.

Uh, no, I don't think so.
You just brought him up.

No. No, I didn't.

But you know what?
I really don't care

'cause I am just so
happy to be with you.

[kisses] Thank you so
much for your help.

See, you're cool with it.

This... This is what I
love so much about you.

It's-It's easy.
It's-It's just easy.

- Are they still standing there?
- Yeah, they're still over there.

Can we help you?

Just observing.
Please, as you were.

You guys want a croissant?

- Oh, thanks.
- What happened to them?

He found 'em in the trash.

- Nope.
- I'm good.

- More for me then.
- [chuckles]

I built up quite an appetite
this morning. [chuckles]

Brad, what are we doing here?

I'm scaring you two straight.

Not in the way that sounded.

I understand that you're g*y and
I have no desire to change that.

You, where do you live?

With Mikey.

Two swinging bachelors in a
hip converted loft. [chuckles]

Yeah. It's more of a 400-square-foot
studio above a bowling alley.

And would you say you had a
financial plan in your youth?

- I would say I had a drug problem.
- [both chuckling]

- Oh.
- [both] Oh. [chuckles]

Yeah. You know, my plan was
staying high and getting by.

Other one, why are you working as
a tester at a video game company?

Oh, it was this or
a Walmart greeter.

Well, actually I'm
doing both jobs

because I fell for a
beautiful Argentinian woman.

- [Rachel] Aw.
- [Andy] Mmm.

And long story short,
I got catfished.

[both] Oh.

The crazy thing is

up here, I know she was six Filipino boys
with a very darn-good command of English

- and a complete lack of empathy...
- Yeah. Oy.

- But in here, she's still Isabella.
- [Andy] Oh.

- That's so sad.
- For so many reasons.

Okay, so that's your
future right there

if you continue to make
emotional financial decisions.

Is that what you want?

[both] Mm-mmm.

Okay, Dana, I'm gonna return the coat
and I'm gonna be more responsible.

Whatever it takes for
us to be together.

No, keep the coat and we can start
looking for a nicer apartment.

- Wait. Really?
- Yeah. I need to be less of a tight-a*s.

Let's buy Hustlers.
I'm sick of renting.

- [squeals] Oh, my God.
- [chuckles]

[gasps] Brad, was this your whole
plan? You threatened our relationship

- to make us stronger.
- Mmm.

Not at all. You will be
flat broke in five years.

Say whatever you have to
to save face, you simp.

I'm Brad and I'm a simp.

- Okay. Bye.
- [Dana giggles]

Okay, that was
deeply unsatisfying.

[sighs]

Hmm. How much would I have to
pay you to fight each other?

- Um...
- Um, $20.

[Brad] Twenty bucks
each? All right.

- Oh, 20 each? Ooh. Yeah.
- Whoa.

Hello, fellow warriors.

Welcome to the first day
of the rest of your life.

Jo, glad you made it out alive.

Me too. Yesterday brought
me so much clarity.

As I was sinking
beneath the waves,

lungs ballooning with saltwater, vision
fading to black... [inhales deeply]

The final thought I had was,

"Who's gonna get Dana
her afternoon boba?"

Oh, that's so sad.

No, it was freeing.

I don't need to find my life's
purpose. I already know what it is.

I was born to be an assistant.

- Good for you. Yeah.
- Oh. Yeah, that's great.

If anything, I need to
crank up the intensity.

Crank up, you say?

There's an up from this?

Thank you, Ian.

David.

Huh. Well, good for her.

[inhales sharply] You know, I kind
of had my own revelation yesterday.

Witnessing her possible death,

I-I realized that, like, I-I
live my life in constant fear.

You probably didn't know that
about me, you know. But I do.

Yesterday just... It
woke me up to all that.

- And no more. You know, man? Like, just...
- Great.

- Yeah, just let down my guard, you know.
- Yeah.

Take off my breastplate

and expose my bosom to the slings
and arrows of-of-of rejection

- but also possible friendship.
- Yeah.

- So just right here, right now, you know...
- Yes.

- Ian, will you go to dinner with me?
- [chuckles]

- What?
- You.

- You talking to me?
- Yes. Yes, sir.

Just... We'll go to
dinner or something.

Oh, David. I'm so sorry.
You got the wrong idea.

I... I like you,
just not as a friend.

Oh, okay. Wow. [chuckles]

Well, I thought I had the
opportunity, you know, 'cause...

I don't know, you know, Poppy
abandoned you for Storm and...

Poppy didn't abandon me.
I'm... I'm happy for her.

Are you? I mean, you mentioned her name
like 300 times. Plus you have hives, man.

- I think you're pretty stressed out.
- Hives are a i-immuno response...

Reaction to these new peptides
that I've been work...

- Oh, my God. Hmm, yeah.
- I've been using... She's here.

She's here, David. She's here.
Don't-Don't-Don't follow me.

- I'm not gonna follow you. Jesus.
- Okay.

- Pop. Poppy!
- Jesus.

- Hey, Pop.
- [Poppy] Hey.

I didn't expect to see you today.
Are you feeling better already?

Uh. Yes. Yes. Fully sh1tting
solids again. No worries.

Gross. Um, hey, you just missed
the best Warrior Within Day.

So many breakthroughs.

That is so great. Uh, I had a
breakthrough of my own in bed.

Oh, God, those double entendres
are just getting so lazy.

Usually there's, like, a wink or
something. You're not even selling it.

No, I, uh... I had an idea for a
new art piece with Storm. [chuckles]

Oh, cool.

Just being around him is...

I don't know, he really
brings out the best in me.

- I mean, so do you.
- Pop, you don't have to...

No, no, no. I just meant, I didn't...
I didn't want you to... [clears throat]

- I didn't want you to think that...
- Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, what you
have with him is

so totally different than
what you have with me.

Right. Exactly.

- It's completely different. [chuckles]
- Right. It's so different

and it's not like one can
be better than the other.

Right.

Okay.

Wow. You really... You really
have a rash going on there, huh?

Uh, I don't kn... Um.

Uh, yeah, I got,
uh, hives, I think.

Hives?

I usually get those
when I get stressed.

Yeah.

Yeah. Hmm.

It's nothing to worry about.