07x10 - Welcome to the Pickle

[bunniefuu]

So, our new neighbors...

is it that Zak has two wives

or that each woman has
a wife and a husband?

Maybe Sara and Allison are in love

and they just found
a guy to fix stuff.

Looks like they're going somewhere.

Mm. Probably some weird supermarket

that caters to
three-way relationships.

Why would they have that?

I don't know, Calvin.

I have one husband
and you have one wife.

You got that? Till death.

And even after.

Yeah. I mean, two wives.

Could you imagine how long
this poor guy's in Target?

The logistics must be complicated.

Who do you think sleeps
in the middle of the bed?

I mean, if the middle
person has to pee,

do they have to crawl off the end?

I bet they have

at least a California king.

Me and Tina got a California king.

And it's full.

So don't get any ideas.

- Hey, hey. Hey.
- Hello, hello.

- Hi, baby.
- Hey, Mom.

CALVIN: Hey, Marty, you're a scientist.

Would you tell your mother

that orgies aren't contagious?

Orgies?

No, no, no. N-Not orgies.

You know our new neighbors?

- Zak and Sara.
- Yeah, Zak and Allison.

- Who's Allison?
- Who's Sara?

- Now you're caught up.
- DAVE: Yeah.

Well, it turns out they're a throuple.

Is that a real word or
did you just make that up?

Eh, either answer will upset me.

Oh, Mama, it's 2025.

Those types of, uh, relationships

are not a big deal.

It's just one iteration of a modern,

ethical nonmonogamous polycule.

[CALVIN CHUCKLES]

You know, you can use all
the fancy words you want.

That ain't nothing but
a old-school freak-fest.

♪ Welcome to the block,
welcome to the neighborhood ♪

♪ Welcome to the hood. ♪

So, Courtney and her
mom in Laguna Beach

- for the whole week?
- [CHUCKLES] Yeah.

Are you gonna miss your baby?

Oh. I mean, I wouldn't exactly
call her my baby. I mean,

sure, we are raising a child together.

But I-I don't think we're
ready for, like, pet names

or titles or anything.

No, no, no. 'Cause I was talking

about your actual baby.

Daphne. My niece.

Uh, yeah. Of... Daph-Daphne.
Of course. [CHUCKLES]

- Here you go.
- Oh, thanks.

And I'm sorry, I couldn't
help overhearing...

you have a baby?

Oh, yeah. Check it out.

Isn't she cute? Oh.

So cute.

So where is she going to preschool?

What? [CHUCKLES]

She's only five months old.

You know, it's a little
early for preschool.

But she is enrolled somewhere, right?

What are you asking?

I've already applied my little
Charles to three schools.

They fill up so fast.

His safety school is in Orange County.

God forbid.

Okay. Uh... [CLEARS THROAT]

I'm just the uncle, but,
uh... [CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

we are just talking about
preschool here, right?

Preschools that feed into
the best elementary schools.

And if you don't get
into one of those,

you can forget about Harvard Law.

Courtney and I just
started Mommy and Me.

We had no idea we were behind.

Our daughter doesn't
even have a tooth.

Many of my friends, they
submitted their applications

before they even conceived, so...

[STAMMERS]

Many of her friends sound crazy.

I don't think it's crazy at all.

Other babies are trying
to steal Daphne's spot

at an Ivy League-accredited nursery.

[SINGSONGY]: Hello.

- Oh, hi.
- Hi.

Dave, right?

Do you and Calvin have
a pickleball match?

Uh, that's the thing... Calvin
will not be playing anymore.

But I wanted Zak and Sara
to know that I am still in.

For pickleball.

Ah.

Well...

since I have you alone,

could I ask you something?

Yeah, sure.

It's a little awkward.

I hope you can be discreet.

I'm not used to being this forward.

Oh, boy.

I was worried this might happen.

[STAMMERS]

I understand, obviously, that I

exude a certain

sexual energy...

that is difficult...

nay, impossible... to resist.

And while I'm not judging

your personal choice to
live in a polycule...

[CHUCKLES SOFTLY] you should
know that I'm a married man...

nay, happily married man.

[LAUGHING]: Oh, my God.

You think I'm hitting on you?

It's not that funny.

[CLEARING THROAT] No.

No, you're right. It just
struck me as ridiculous.

We were actually
thinking about Calvin.

Calvin?

I know he's married,

but is he open-minded?

Cavlin would die before
he cheated on Tina.

Maybe because she would k*ll him.

He wouldn't be cheating.

If she wanted to be a part
of it, she could be, too.

Okay. Let me... So, so...

So I'm not involved in
any version of this?

[HUMMING] Ooh. Malcolm. Malcolm,

do you have any connections
to any famous people?

Like the mayor or Mark Cuban?

Michelle Obama?

[CHUCKLES]

Yeah, Marty, let me hit
them up in the group chat.

Don't toy with me, Malcolm.

I need a letter of recommendation

to get Daphne into
these elite preschools.

You should see this application.

Uh, Marty, you are a scientist, man.

You remember what
preschool we went to?

Our grandmama's house.

Okay?

And we turned out just fine.

We learned everything a
two-year-old needs to know.

Look, man, all I remember

is I was the only four-year-old
watching Guiding Light.

I loved Reva Shayne.

But I want more than that for Daphne.

Wait, wait. Okay.

What preschool is this anyway?

The Center for Early Excellence.

Yes. U.S. News & World
Report ranked The Center

the number one school in California

for students under four.

- Where's my wallet?
- Whoa. Uh, why?

Because you have to pay the
application fee just to visit.

What? Marty, that is a scam.

Look, why don't you go
talk to Gemma, all right?

Ask her about it before
you give somebody

your credit card number.

'Kay. That's a good idea.

But we should hurry.

'Cause I just gave it.

Marty.

["CAR WASH" BY ROSE ROYCE PLAYING]

Wow.

You are

putting on quite the show.

'Scuse me?

I'm just saying...

out here,

flaunting what you got.

All glistenin'.

Uh, what-what makes you think
you can talk to me like that?

I'm sorry. Look, apparently,
you can't help it.

You've got raw animal magnetism.

Again,

what makes you think you
can talk to me like that?

Calvin.

They want you.

Who?

The throuple.

The polycule.

Wait.

They said that?

I know.

I couldn't believe it either.

I mean, it's-it's not hard to believe.

I mean, who wouldn't want a
chocolate bear claw like me?

You know?

Hey, guys.

Nothing.

We didn't ask you anything.

Huh. What's going on?

Nothing.

CALVIN: Look, Tina,

apparently, things have gotten

a little more complicated
with our new neighbors.

How so?

Well, the throuple...

[SMACKS LIPS] they want your boy to...

join they little thing. You know.

I-I knew it.

I knew it.

Tina, calm down.

Uh, maybe it's just
a misunderstanding.

Oh, no, no, no. It is
not a misunderstanding.

They said they want Calvin

and they didn't want me.

Can you believe that?

- Of course. - Yeah, sure.
- No.

Okay, all right, look.

On the bright side,

you have nothing to worry about.

The throuple is no threat
to our relationship.

Phew.

- I told you, Calvin.
- What?

I told you they were freaks.

What are you out here doing?

Shaking what your mama gave you.

What-what are you doing?

Playing with the hose.

Listen, man, cover yourself up.

You know, I'm going over there

and I'm gonna tear those
freaks three new ones.

Tina, slow down, all right?

Let me and Dave handle this.

All right? We'll just go over there

and we'll let 'em know
that we are just normal,

- traditional, old-school neighbors. Nothing more.
- Mm-hmm.

Okay?

You go over there and
you say what you got to say

and you get your butt right back here.

All right.

Don't lollygag and don't dillydally.

Huh.

All right. Tina,

don't worry. Look, they're
not gonna gobble up

your sweet little chocolate bear claw.

What makes you think you can
talk about my husband like that?

Okay, Marty, deep breath.

I know these
applications are stressful,

but everything's gonna work out.

Yeah, but you don't
know how hard it is

to get into The Center.

The Center for Early Excellence?

- Yeah. Girl...
- You didn't tell me it was The C-double-E!

Everybody wants to get in there.

Oh, dear God, not you, too, Gemma.

Okay, first question,

"What has your child
contributed to their community?"

Are you kidding me?

The only question on a
preschool application should be

"Are you a baby?"

Okay, here's what you write. Okay.

"Daphne's a real go-getter.

"She's naturally curious,

and she's passionate about
her ocean-themed crib mobile."

That tells 'em she cares
about the environment

but she's not, like,
in your face with it.

"What are your child's
special abilities?"

Ooh. I know. [LAUGHS]

She can chew on her toes.

- Okay, you know what?
- Yeah.

Let's take this in
the other room, Gemma.

Malcolm, when Daphne's older,

I'm-a tell her you
didn't believe in her.

[BOTH MOANING]

Oh, that's great.

Oh, it feels so good. Oh.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Oh. Calvin!

[CHUCKLES]

Dave.

Hey, Zak, hey.

Look, uh, we need to
talk a-about things.

Yeah, sure thing, neighbor.

Good. Good.

That's it right there. That's it.

That's exactly how
I'd like to keep it.

You know, just neighbors.

Okay.

And-and I am flattered,

Okay? You got

good taste, my man. [LAUGHS]

Very limited taste, but whatever.

David, come on.

Look, here's the thing, Zak.

Um, I'm a happily married man.

And I've got more
woman than I can handle

as it is right now.

[CHUCKLES]

You came over to tell us that?

Yeah. Yeah.

And I can see your disappointed, Sara,

so, um...

Just hope there's no hard feelings.

DAVE: Yeah, no hard
feelings from me, either.

Not that anyone asked.

Even though I still have
all my hair, all my teeth.

And do you know how rare
it is for a man my age

to be able to do a backflip?

Dave. Come on. Dave, come on.

What's going on here?

Oh, well, uh,

look, I know that you guys want me

to be a part of your
little "situation" here.

And by "situation," you mean...?

Your-your group, your team activities.

You know, the way you guys intertwine.

Oh. So, you think because
we're polyamorous,

we want just anybody and
everybody to join in?

Well, I wouldn't
consider myself anybody.

I mean, hell,

Allison invited me.

- Allison?
- Wait. What?

Okay, yes, I invited him.

How could you do that
without consulting us?

I just wanted a little
attention from you two for once.

Obviously, I would never
invite him in a million years.

Uh, a million years? That's a lot.

Isn't this insane? I told
you you had to see it.

Was that Harry Connick
Jr. In the hallway?

Yes. He teaches tambourine.

I'm telling you, man.

This gonna open doors for Daphne
we didn't even know existed.

Hello. Who might we be?

Ah. Uh, we be Marty Butler and
this is my brother Malcolm.

Oh, Daphne's father. Yes.

Oh, her application
was very impressive.

Yeah, her curiosity
about climate change

really came across.

She understands our
children are our future.

Yes.

Because she is a child.

- [LAUGHS]
- [LAUGHS]

Don't make me regret
bringing you here, Malcolm.

- Like I regret coming?
- [CLEARS THROAT]

- Uh, this-this is just a big change for us.
- Oh.

'Cause our preschool
was Guiding Light.

Oh, I don't know that
one. Is that in Pasadena?

No, no. Uh, CBS.

All you and Zak ever
do is play pickleball.

I hate that stupid game.

Why didn't you just talk to us?

I can't talk to you.

You spend all day on this court.

Hiyah!

Okay, you have been

at this freak show way too
long. Come on, let's go.

Uh, Tina, calm down.

And Gemma, please, I
don't want to hear...

Did Gemma not come with you?

She said she trusts you.

Tru... Okay, there is trust,

and then there is blatant disrespect.

Listen, you three.

You think you can
compete with this? Okay?

This is my husband and I don't share.

Okay, uh, Tina, look, there's
been a misunderstanding.

They don't even want me.

Who don't want you?

Well, how the hell they
not gonna want you,

as fly as you are?

Yeah, see? Y'all tripping.

You see what you did?

You got our whole
neighborhood in an uproar.

Well, this is what it takes
to make you realize I'm alive.

I am sick of being taken for granted.

Okay, FYI,

I am not kidding about the backflip.

You're being taken for granted?

I made your favorite
lasagna the other night.

No thank you, no nothing.

Yeah, and I scraped off that
casserole dish for an hour,

but I guess I'm just your maid.

You could just put
it in the dishwasher.

Oh, you think that cheap
dishwasher you bought

is gonna take off burnt ricotta?

Burnt?

- That is my mother's recipe.
- Oh, get over yourself.

- How dare you?
- Your mother is a nightmare.

Just soak overnight. How a**l
can you be?

Oh, great idea. You like ants?
'Cause that's what you'll get.

[OVERLAPPING CHATTER
IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

[DOOR CLOSES]

I guess we can go.

- Lasagna sounds good, though, huh?
- It does sound good.

Three, two, one.

[THUD] Aah!

Calvin!

All right, everybody,
let's have a seat

on the socialization rug.

Yes. Crisscross applesauce.

Okay.

[BOTH STRAINING] Oh, boy.

Now, let me tell you
about our philosophy

here at The Center.

We let the kids tell us
what they'd like to learn.

So if they want to learn
about the universe,

we bring the universe to them.

In fact, everybody,

look up and take a peek at our new

solar system that was commissioned

by a new C-double-E family.

I really shouldn't say the name.

It's Al Pacino.

[ALL OOHING]

Uh, wh... [STRAINS]

I-I'm sorry,

I-I see the sun, but I'm not
clear what solar system this is.

Oh, well, um,

you see there, there's the Earth.

- Right there.
- Ah. Yes.

The, uh, sixth rock from the sun.

Okay, uh, first of all, there's
too many planets up there,

and they're all in the
wrong order and Mars

shouldn't have rings.

Yes, but in the creative
mind of a child,

any planet can have rings.

Right, but-but in our solar system,

only some do, and
none of them are Mars.

This is... this is
all wrong. [CHUCKLES]

Ooh. Ooh, ooh, ooh, no, no, no, no.

See, here at The Center,
"wrong" is a four-letter word.

Oh, uh, right, but-but...

clearly, if you're teaching
them to count to ten,

and they say "two, six,
four, 39, potato, ten,"

that would be wrong.

Yes.

But who are we to tell
them what's wrong?

Their teachers.

We don't impose rigid expectations.

No, we let the children

discover on their own.

[MARTY CHUCKLES]

Yeah, but it's-it's counting.

It's well-established. It
doesn't need to be discovered.

So, I'm sorry, your child is Daphne?

Wow. Oh. Okay, okay.

Okay, okay.

Yes, yes, go ahead, blackball
her. I'm out of here.

Let's get up out of here.

Malcolm, help me up
so I can storm out.

- Yeah. Okay. Gladly.
- Yeah.

- Oh, my leg's asleep.
- And I'm gonna talk...

Oh. Let me tell you something...

- I don't need this.
- Wait, wait, hold on, wait.

[STAMMERS] Okay, found it.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

That's what I'm talking about.
What you know about this?

Yes, indeed. 'Cause you know...

You know, I can't believe it.

They had this big,
stupid, petty fight.

They were just like, so...

normal.

So there was nothing
freaky about them?

No. They were just like you and me.

And a third person.

Now I know why you didn't
come over with Tina.

You knew they weren't a threat.

To...?

Our relationship.

Oh. Yes, right. Right, right, right.

You know, Calvin, if you want to
play pickleball with them again,

I guess it'd be fine.

Oh. Well, thanks, babe. Uhp,

but no above-the-knee shorts.

Those are just for me.

Just like your black fishnets, huh?

[LAUGHS] Mm. Exactly.

I'm the same way

about your Springsteen tank top.

Little late, Gemma.

Whoa.

Oh, hey, Sara.

You're strong.

Most men would have to make two trips.

Well...

I did do pommel horse in high school.

I can see it.

I could probably grab this
laundry detergent, too.

Uh...

Sara?

Can I help you?

No, just, uh, going for a walk,

admiring the view.

It's got a ring on it. Move along.

O-Okay. Gemma, calm-calm down.

Look, I'm all yours.

But...

you know what you signed up for.

[MOUTHS]