02x02 - Gran Canaria

[bunniefuu]

Cheers, babe.
Cheers.

HE CACKLES
Yeah!

SIGHING: This is the life, babe.
Yeah.

Sun, sand, sea...

and sangria.
SHE GIGGLES

Cheeky!
No, seriously, though, eh?

First holiday for, what?

Fifteen long years.

Yeah. Yeah, I know.

Hey, but, er, look...

it's exactly what we need, eh?
Yeah? Give us a kiss.

Ooh! If the cabin's a-rocking,
we won't come a-knocking.

Excuse me?

Well, I just thought you...

You're on your honeymoon,
aren't you?

No, mate. No, we're not.
Oh.

Well, I hope you have
a magical time.

Welcome aboard.
PASSENGER: Thank you.

Hi, Jack.

JACK: Of all the ships
in all the ports...

Mickey Eldergill. It's been a while.

How was prison?

DC Grayling,
what are you doing here?

Career change.

Well, I'd love to say it's good
to see you after all these years,

but it's really not.

The feeling's mutual, Mickey.

Come on, babe. Let's go and unpack.

Who's that guy?

Trouble. That's who he is.

♪ I'm going on an adventure

♪ And I got a feeling
The sun's gonna shine

♪ Shine
The sun's gonna shine

♪ I'm in love with the ocean

♪ And I got a feeling
I'm sailing tonight

♪ Tonight, I'm sailing tonight

♪ It's because of you

♪ That I'll always remember

♪ I'm going on an adventure
With you on my mind

♪ I'm going on an adventure
With you on my mind. ♪

One moment.

One beer and one water.

Is there a doctor on board, mate?

My wife's been seasick
for a few days now.

Yes, the medical bay
is on deck four.

Would you just leave it, Dev?

It's not seasickness.

It's morning sickness.

We're having a baby.
I can't believe it!

I helped put away Eldergill


for a bank job in Salford.

I guess he's not been out long.

Well, maybe he's turned over
a new leaf.

I mean, he's done his time.

Wherever Mickey goes, trust me,
trouble tends to follow.

All right. We'll keep an eye on him.
Thank you.

Jack!
Whoa!

Great performance last night.
Thank you, Mr Barnes.

The ladies love you.

Surprised they're not
throwing their knickers on stage.

You'll be fighting them off.
THEY CHUCKLE

You know, I could do with your help.

You see, my wife, Karen, died
a few years ago.

Oh, sorry to hear that.

But near the end, she told me,
"Liam, don't stay at home wallowing.

"Get back out there
while you're still young enough."

So I finally booked this cruise,
thinking, "Well, you know,

"I'll be spoilt for choice
with the ladies."

However, three days in,
and it's not really happening.

But with the ship's resident singer
by my side,

my wingman,
the Goose to my Maverick...

Mr Barnes, I...
I'll have to iron this shirt, mind.

More creases
than an elephant's nutsack.

Excuse me! Scooter coming through.
Thanks, sweetheart.

Kate.
Ah...

I've just completed walkaround.
No issues.

The new guests seem happy.
Good.

Er, and have you consulted
the weather radar

for tomorrow's approach?
Yeah. Calm. Smooth seas all the way.

We should grab a drink soon.

Catch up properly.

We've not really talked since, er...

Since you got the promotion.

Sew not the bear's skin
before you have caught him.

Er, what I mean is,
nothing should change between us.

We'll make this work well.

A team.

I never said congratulations.

You deserve it, Piers.

Thank you, Kate. That means a lot.

Er, how is Jack?

I don't know. I don't care.

COLIN: Good morning, everyone.
How are we?

OTHERS: Morning.
Er, guys, can we take it easy

with the over-60s tea dance
this afternoon?

Given Mrs Norman just left medical
after yesterday.

Oh, and sales for the hidden gems
tour of Gran Canaria have been dire,

so we've all been roped in to help.

I don't mind.
Er... me either.

Well, cheers, Jamil,
but I think you've got enough

to be cracking on with.

Oh, by the way, for those of you
who haven't met her yet,

I'd like to introduce you
to the newest member

of the entertainment team.

Give it up for Miss Cassie Conway.
Hey, everyone.

LIGHT APPLAUSE
Hey.

Really nice to meet you.

You, too.

Welcome.
Thank you.

Oh, er, Jack, Cassie...

seeing as we're on our way
to Gran Canaria...

No way. Not happening.

Not in a million years. Mm-mm.

All right, Tweetie Pie?
How the mighty have fallen, eh?

Would you be interested in seeing
the hidden gems

of Gran Canaria tomorrow?

Shall we?

Aw, go on. Don't be mardy.
Fine.

We'll take two.
Stick it on the cruise card, yeah?

Mr and Mrs Eldergill?

May I take you through
to your restaurant?

You OK there, Jack?

You look like someone's
ruffled your feathers, lad.

THEY GIGGLE

Maybe we should do another test.

I mean, we...
we tried for so long, and...

So, this will be your table
for the week.

All right, guys? I'm Mickey.

And his long-suffering wife,
Lindsay.

Mel.
Dev.

Keep the bevvies flowing,
yeah, Jamil?

Yeah? Champagne to start, lad?
Yes, of course.

MICKEY SIGHS

Hey, listen...

one of the coppers that put me away,
he's on board.

Are you serious?
But he's just a lounge singer now.

Maybe we should postpone this, then.
No, no.

We can't do that. It's now or never.
DEV CLEARS HIS THROAT

Oh! Here we go.
JAMIL: Your Champagne.

Thank you.
Jubbly-bubbly!

THEY CHUCKLE

Er... I don't think
that's a good idea, love.

One glass isn't gonna hurt, love.

Er, we, erm... We just found out...

Mel's pregnant.

Wow. How far along are youse?
Mickey!

Rude.
Only five weeks.

Congratulations, guys.
Hey, yeah.

Great.
We're so excited.

Yeah. Hey, great stuff, yeah.
Thank you so much.

Come on, Jamil,
we're only here seven days!

Sorry, sir!
LAUGHTER

Here's to you, eh?
Cheers, lad. Thank you.

Hey, all the best, guys. Cheers.
Cheers.

ALL: Cheers.

Sorry, excuse me, I'm gonna have
to go and drain the lizard.

Uncle Johnny? It's Mickey.

So, listen, the plan for tomorrow...

Psst! Jack.

That guy you told me about,
Mickey Eldergill. Mm-hm?

When I set them down,
they acted like strangers.

It doesn't seem like that now.

I think they know each other.

The other couple,
what's their names?

Dev and Melanie Metcalfe.

She just found out
she's five weeks pregnant.

Metcalfe...

Course it is.

JINGLE PLAYS

ON TANNOY:
'We'd like to invite any passengers

'to take advantage of our happy hour
offer in the Horizon Bar.

'Two-for-one on all c*ck.'

OK?

Double malt with ice, please, mate.
Yes.

You must be excited
to become a father.

Do you believe in miracles, Jamil?

Yes, I think I do.

Four rounds of IVF, and...

nothing.

But then, boom.

Suddenly, my wee soldiers
have woken up.

Crazy, eh?
Yes.

Yeah.
OK, just lock it.

We're gonna have to keep an eye
on that. Yeah.

Sorry. Frankie.

That guy, Mickey Eldergill -
he's on here with Dev Metcalfe.

Dev was suspected
of being the getaway driver

on that bank job
I was telling you about.

Dev's part of the same crew,

yet they're pretending
to be strangers.

So, what, you think they're here
to rob the ship?

Or they're here
to reclaim the gold they stole.

It's a bit of an assumption.

Well, at the time, customs believed
it was smuggled out of the country.

And now Mickey's out,
they're all here.

Coincidence? Well, they'll never
get it back on here.

They've probably got
an exit plan from Gran Canaria.

But they're all on the excursion
tomorrow. I'll be on it, too.

Keep an eye on them.
Yeah.

This is Frankie
to security personnel...

So, you coming
to play silly detectives again?

Oh, I'd better do my actual job,
Jack.

Seeing as I wasn't
the best man for the promotion.

Well, you'd be missing out
on all the fun.

Because I believe something's
about to go down.

COLIN ON TANNOY:
'A very good morning to you all,

'and happy holidays.

'This is Colin,
your cruise director,

'informing all guests that the ship

'has now arrived
in gorgeous Gran Canaria.

'So, if you'd like to shimmy on down
to disembarkation.

'Oh, and don't forget the factor 40
because, as The Merrymen said...

'♪ Feeling hot, hot, hot. ♪'

Are you not hot?

Looking forward to seeing
the hidden gems of Gran Canaria?

You know, I can't shake this clown.

That's a bit rude.
Isn't it, Mr Barnes?

TOUR GUIDE: OK, everybody,
you want to follow me?

Let's go. Vamos.

KATE: Wait! Wait for me, please.

Are you coming, then?
Yeah.

You know me, Jack -

I love a bus tour.

Take it easy, babe.
Thank you.

Mr Barnes, let me.
Oh, thank you, Jack.

MR BARNES SIGHS
Lovely.

Oh, lovely.

Are you sure you weren't followed,
yeah?

WHISPERS: Love you.

Excuse me, erm,
do you have any water? I'm, erm...

I'm pregnant. I've got
really bad morning sickness.

Course. This way.

There we go.
Thank you. It's OK.

If you wouldn't mind just staying,
actually.

I feel really hot.
Oh. Yeah, sure.

All right?

Uncle Johnny?

Been a change of plan.

We can't go directly from here now.
There's an ex-copper on the tour.

Jesus, lads.

Give him the slip,

then you meet me
at Restaurant Tipico Rossa at 1pm,

and we'll go from there, right?

Right?
Right, yeah. OK.

LYNDSAY CLEARS
HER THROAT

'I need more money, mate.'

You get 10%. It's a million quid.

Yeah, that's not enough now.
See, I need enough to go straight.

I can't risk jail
with a baby on the way.

I want 40%.

Who's the one that did


Me. Not you, lad!



Or I'll make your life
a living hell.

How are you feeling now?

Yeah, I think I was
a bit dehydrated.

Jack, you got a sec?
Er, excuse me.

Your friend Mickey's just met up
with some big Geordie guy.

Blue swirly-style shirt, straw hat.

They're going to meet up
at Restaurant Tipico Rossa

at 1300 hours.

That's not all of it.

MAN SCREAMING

LINDSAY GASPS

JACK: Dave Metcalfe
was the getaway driver

in a major bank robbery in 2008.

But there was never enough evidence
to prosecute.

His accomplice over there,
Mickey Eldergill,

served 15 years at HMP Liverpool.

Got out four months ago.

So Jack thinks they
might have come back to Gran Canaria

to reclaim the gold they stole.

Oh, if it was on my island,
I would know about it.

It's just a theory.

So, you think Eldergill
k*lled this man?

We've had a lot of accidents
here in the past.

Could just be another one.

They also met with someone
just before.

Erm, sorry. I have to go. Erm...

Tell one of my officers, please.

Thanks, Capitan.

I'll see you soon.

So, we have ourselves
an official m*rder inquiry.

What have the police got?
He wouldn't tell me on the phone.

He wants me to go in.
But no arrests yet.

So, we know that Dev's wife,
Melanie, is five weeks pregnant.

Yeah, she's in the medical bay
having an examination.

You should talk to her.

Oh, what, you mean,
like woman-to-woman sort of thing?

Is that OK?

SIGHS: Yeah, it's fine.
DOOR OPENS

All right, the dashcam
in the minibus picked up

the guy Mickey and Dev
were talking to.

Uncle Johnny.

That's the guy I saw.

They really have got the band
back together.

Johnny Taylor,

better known to his dodgy mates
as Uncle Johnny.

He's a fence.

Uh, a... a what?

He's the middleman
that goes between the thieves

and the buyers of the stolen goods.

Which probably means
they're here for the gold. Oh.

So, let me get this straight -
Uncle Johnny takes the bullion,

and he's supposed to put it
back into the market.

But maybe he's spent it.

Didn't expect Mickey and Dev
to come looking.

Which gives him one hell
of a motive to take Dev out.

RAPID HEARTBEAT
There we go. Nice and strong.

Everything seems fine.

But if you get any cramps, bleeding,
come back.

You've had a massive shock.

DOOR CLOSING

Hi. Erm, First Officer Kate Woods.

Am I all right to come in?
We're all done.

I'm so sorry for your loss, Melanie.

What happens now... to Dev?

Erm, they will fly his body home...
after the postmortem.

I'm so sorry to have to ask you
this, Melanie, but, erm...

..do you have any idea why someone

might want to hurt your husband?

But the police said
it was an accident.

Er, no, they... they now suspect
that it's foul play.

I'm so sorry.
They should have told you first.

So Dev was...

Someone k*lled him?

No.
WAILS: No, no, no!

Is there somebody
that I can get for you?

Erm... Lindsay, perhaps?
We know that you're friends.

No, I just need to get out of here.

Melanie, look...
No, please, leave me alone.

Ah, Mr Grayling.
So, what have we got?

Scratch marks
on the victim's left arm.

So, he tried to fight off
his k*ller.

What's that?

A metal buckle of some sort.

From someone's clothing
or a bag, perhaps? We don't know.

It was near to where we think
the victim was pushed.

But it could have come
from any tourist,

not necessarily our k*ller.

Just minutes before his death,

Dev and Mickey met with this guy.

Johnny Taylor.

His Hazy Days Villa in La Garita
is famous for its non-stop parties.

Well, back in the UK, he's a fence

and has connections
to organised crime.

OK, we'll look into him.

MR BARNES: Thanks, sweetheart.

Ah, Goose.

Just been to give a statement
about what I saw.

Mr Barnes,
you've got a rental car, right?

I should call it in.

Nah, by the time the bizzies
get here, they'd be long gone.

BARNES EXHALES

How did you...?
If you don't mind me asking.

Oh, factory accident.

Man against machine.

Machine won.
CHUCKLES

Three kneecap replacements,
but, er...

constant infection meant they
just had to take it out in the end.

You've dealt with a lot.
Your wife, your leg...

Oh, cheer a bloke up, why don't you?
Sorry. No, no, it's fine.

But like my old man used to say,

when life gives you lemons...
Make lemonade.

..pour a gin and tonic.
THEY LAUGH

Need to get a restraining order
on you, lad.

You and your mates over there
are suspects in a m*rder inquiry.

Yet you have no evidence.

Why do you think I'm following you?

Yeah? Well, that's a problem.

OK, ladies.
So, it's 7pm tonight, yeah?

And I'll see you all there. OK?
Perfect.

Don't let me down, Cora.
We won't!

Jamil! Hey, Jamil, come here.

How do you fancy channelling
your inner Latino?

Salsa dancing.
I'm taking the class later.

You should come along.
Ah, no.

Two left feet, I'm afraid.

Also, crew aren't allowed.
Yeah, but no harm in learning.

SALSA MUSIC PLAYS
Right. OK, so...

HE LAUGHS
The basic step goes...

one, two, three.

Hm?
But you don't move on four. OK?

Yes.
And feel the music.

You know, it's sensual.
Just let it flow through your body.

Ready?
Yeah.

One, two, three.

And pop that hip, Jamil.
Pop, pop. Yeah.

Five, six, seven.
Ah!

One... Ow!
Sorry!

Sorry. It's OK, it's all right.
You did well. I'll see you later.

Er...
Jamil.

Have you seen this?

Mr Barnes?
Yeah.

JACK: This'll be Johnny's place.

I'd stick to the singing
if I was you, son.

Changing tyres
is not your speciality.

It's not easy with a dodgy jack.

Jack's got a dodgy jack!
Funny, that.

This is it. Hazy Days.

Wait here.
Aw, come on.

You wouldn't be here
if it weren't for me.

Talk to me, Goose.

Ooh!

Hey, someone's doing all right
for themselves.

Have a look around.

MAN OUTSIDE: Johnny!

KNOCKING ON WINDOW
Johnny, are you there?

It's Miguel!

CHATTER ON RADIO

Keep looking.

MICKEY: Ten million quid's worth
of gold bullion,

and you can't remember where it is?

LINDSAY: You didn't make a note?

Draw a little treasure map?

Is it even here, Johnny?
Mickey...

trust me.

I tell you, I wouldn't trust him
as far as I could throw him.

PHONE BUZZES

It could be anywhere!

Seen the size of it?
I don't believe this.

Bingo. I found fake registration
documents for the gold

Johnny's filtered
back into the market.

So he did nick it.

Then Dev and Mickey came out
to take it back.

So... he's got to k*ll them
before they k*ll him.

Coordinates.

To the gold?
PHONE RINGS

Hopefully.
I'll get Kate to meet us there.

Kate?





BREAKING UP: '..0-8-4.'

Yeah... Jack, I can't hear you.

'You're breaking up.'




'40. Meet us at those coordinates.'

Uncle Johnny is our man.

'We need to find him
before he takes out Mickey.'

OK. Jack, there's something that...
SIGNAL BREAKS UP

Kate?
Jack.

Jack!

Kate. I can't hear you.

DISCONNECT TONE

Let's go.

This some wild goose chase?

Because I swear, Johnny,
if you've stolen one bar of my gold,

you're gonna end up in one of these
holes. Do you understand me?

Mickey, calm down, son.

JOHNNY GRUNTS

CLUNKING

We've found it, babe.

THEY LAUGH,
SHE SCREAMS

Hey, this is nearly empty, mate.
Eh? Where's the rest of it?

Well, naturally,
I had overheads, man, Mickey,

people I had to keep sweet.
I had to use some of it!

You rat!
Hey, hey!

CAR PULLING UP
Filthy, filthy rat!

Hey!
HORN HONKING

Get back in the car and drive away.

I'm only gonna warn you once.
Or what?

You're gonna kneecap him
like you did me?

KATE: Jack!

Liam Barnes was
the security guard on the robbery.

He knew that Mickey
was going to be on this cruise.

c*ck g*n
Mr Barnes?

£8 an hour.

That's what the bank you robbed
were paying me.

And you think I was going to risk
my life stopping you for that?

I was never stopping you, Mickey,
and I told you that,

but you...

..you still smashed my leg anyway.

Mr Barnes...

put the g*n down.

Do you know how many
different painkillers I need to take

just to get out of bed
in the morning?

I'm in agony every day.

More or less k*lled my poor Karen
looking after me 24/7,

and now, since she's gone, all I do
is sit in the house watching telly!

You took my life that day.

And now it's my turn to take yours.

You do not want to do this.

Trust me.
He is not worth doing time for.

Liam, he's going back
to prison anyway.

See? You're just a little coward.

Eh? Like you were back then.

MOCKINGLY:
"Oh, please don't hurt me!"

Agh!
LINDSAY: Mickey!

KATE: So, Liam Barnes will be
charged with Dev's m*rder, too.

He's denying it, though.
Yeah.

I don't think he did it.
Mm-mm.

I mean, how can someone with no knee

get across all those rocks
so quickly,

push a guy the size of Dev
off a cliff,

then disappear again
without being seen?

Great work, by the way,

getting those coordinates
to the police so fast.

Well, I didn't.

So how did they know
where to find us?

There's always one.

JAMIL: So...

Jack and Kate
are made for each other,

but it just won't happen.

Things keep getting in the way.

Like Ross and Rachel.

Friends.

Yes. Yes, I guess they are.

But the one you need
to watch out for is Kate's ex.

Piers!
Yes. How did you...?

Oh, my God. Hi!

Hello.

How long's it been since Miami?
Like, five years?

It's... great to see you again.
Yeah.

Yeah, you too, Piers.

Now, er, if you'll excuse me,
I have an, er...

important meeting to attend.

Thought he might be your boyfriend
for a second.

No, I am very single.
I mean, who would put up with me?

See you later.

You celebrating
your quick release, Uncle Johnny?

Didn't even make it to custody,
did you?

This is a private meeting, you know.

Thought it was strange
when you turned up here earlier.

You were in my house.

"Johnny, are you there?
It's Miguel."

Very casual
for a law enforcement officer.

It's more something
that you'd call a friend.

I would be very careful
if I was you.

Then I thought it was
just good police work,

how you found us at that dig.

But you were there to arrest Mickey

because Johnny wanted you to get rid
of him like you got rid of Dev.

CHUCKLING: Sorry.

What are you saying, exactly?

You're on his payroll.

You're a bent copper.

I have heard enough
of this rubbish.

Where are you going?

To work.

Shouldn't we? Yeah.
We'll send it all to his gaffer.

Let's see if we can resolve
this little situation, shall we?

There's still a million quid
in gold left.

Take half.

I mean, come on,

what do you make on that ship?

This would be enough
to set you up for life.

You and your families.

INTERCOM CHIMES

'Passengers are reminded that...'

You know where I am
if you have any other concerns.

Thanks.

Is she OK? She must be in shock.
And with the baby and everything.

I think she's bearing up all right,

but, yes,
she's only just 12 weeks gone.

She needs to be careful.



Mm. I ran an ultrasound myself.

I didn't k*ll anyone. I didn't.

You've got the wrong man.

PHONE RINGS

Hey, Jamil.

ON PHONE: 'Jack, Melanie Metcalf
lied about when she got pregnant.'

What? 'She's nearly three months,
not five weeks

'like she keeps telling everyone.'

So she lied to Dev, her own husband.

But why?

Because it's not his baby.

INTERCOM:
'We'd like to inform all guests

'of today's shopping mall deal,

'25% discount on all perfumes
for today only.'

No more questions, please.
You're not a suspect, Melanie.

We just need you to explain
a few things, that's all.

You told Dev you were
only a few weeks' pregnant.

That you'd only just taken a test.

Yet you're about to head
into your second trimester.

Why did you lie to him?

It's not Dev's baby, is it?

Is it Mickey's?

You had an affair
with your best friend's husband.

One who she waited 15 years for.

Oh, please. Lindsay only saw
Mickey as a meal ticket.

She doesn't love him.

She wanted his money
then she was off.

And you do... love him?

SHE SIGHS

No.

Me and Dev, we were struggling.

Our marriage was...

SHE SIGHS

It was separate beds,
separate lives, really.

And Mickey took advantage of that.

But after it happened,

I realised deep down
I still had feelings for Dev.

And I wanted to fight for us,
so we got counselling.

Started having sex again.

You needed to cover
for the pregnancy, right?

I didn't want Dev to die.
Maybe YOU didn't.

I was looking for you earlier.
You were not on the ship.

What I do in my spare time
is no concern of yours.

You think I'm the son
of yesterday's grouse?

I know what you were doing.

I'll get us a taxi to the hospital.

You know, perhaps this is why
you didn't get the promotion, Kate.

Because you lack focus.

I don't lack focus, Piers.

The reason that
I didn't get that promotion

is because I don't belong
to your pathetic old boys' club.

It's always been that way.

It always will be.

Fine. Have it your way.

From now on,
this, us, stays purely professional.

It's fine by me, Piers.

It's Staff Captain De Vries.

AMBULANCE SIREN WAILS

He'll be 30 seconds, please.

SPEAKS HIS OWN LANGUAGE
Thank you.

Can you give us a minute, Lindsay?

Anything you got to say to me,
you can say in front of her.

Fine. He cheated on you,
you know that?

All that time you waited for him,

and he cops off with your best mate.

SCOFFS
He's on one, babe.

He's trying to pin
something else on me.

Don't believe him.

And to add insult to injury,

he got her pregnant.
But Dev found out.

He confronted you,
and you pushed him off a cliff.

Made it look like
it was an accident.

Oh, and the icing on the cake.

You get Dev's share of the gold.

Jackpot.

What's that?
A metal buckle of some sort

from someone's clothing.
Or a bag, perhaps. We don't know.

You're not quite the cop
you once were, Grayling, right.

I didn't k*ll Dev.

Oh, come on, Jack.

You think I like prison that much
that I want to go back?

Just got out after 15 years.

It's not just your bag.

You scratched Dev's arm
when you pushed him.

It won't take Forensics long.

You knew all along, didn't you?

That it's Mickey's baby
and he cheated on you.

I'm out.

No, no. You're not.
I can't do this without you.

I'm taking my share of the gold,
and then me and Mel are gone.

We're having a baby.

Your little swimmers
aren't swimming, Dev.

So guess what?
It's not yours, sunshine.

She's got a little bump.

You don't get that if you're only
five weeks gone, you idiot.

She's at least three months.

She lied to you
to make you think it's yours.

I just want my own family, Linds.

CHUCKLES
Even though it's Mickey's kid.

You're OK with that?

Oh, we can still do this as planned.

We find the gold, take Mickey out,
and then you, Mel,

get your happy ever after
with your share.

And you can live
in blissful ignorance

raising another man's child.

I can't risk k*lling Mickey.

I can't go to prison
with a baby on the way.

They need me.

And I'll get nothing
cos he's gonna leave me.

As soon as he gets his gold,
Mickey's gone.

DEV CHUCKLES

That's not my problem.

I'm sorry.
Yeah.

So am I.

No, no, you don't...

Move, move... Get off.

What are you doing!
HE YELLS

THUMP

SHE GASPS



That's how long I waited
for Mickey to get out of prison.

Then he comes out to find

I'm not that beautiful young girl
he left all that time ago.

He's now stuck
with a middle-aged woman

with bingo wings
and sagging boobs.

So what does he do?

Goes and gets that little tart
Melanie up the duff.

Probably had other slappers, too.

Let me get this clear in my head.

You knew Mickey and Melanie
slept together, and you told Dev.

So the two of you joined forces,

hatched this plan to find the gold,

get rid of Mickey,
and then split it.

And it was working until...

The baby bombshell.

And then Dev pulled out.
Yeah.

But Mickey might not have left you.

SHE SOBS

You were all over each other
when you boarded.

It was just an act.

Behind closed doors,
he couldn't even bear to touch me.

He didn't even see me any more.

He didn't see me.

You are under arrest, Mrs Eldergill.

SHE SOBS

SOBBING CONTINUES

Actually feel quite sorry for her.

Yeah.

We worked well together today.

Yeah. Yeah, we did.

I don't know about you,
but I could m*rder a glass of wine.

I should probably get back to work.

Yeah, sure. Me too.
HE CHUCKLES

Yeah.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Thank you. Thank you.
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

Have we all had a magical time
in Gran Canaria?

CHEERING

Good. Well,
as we prepare to set sail

on the next leg of our adventure,

it's time
for this evening's entertainment.

So make some noise for the one,
the only...

And, no, madam,
it's not Chesney Hawkes.

He's way better than he is.

Let's hear it for Mr Jack Grayling.

CHEERING

Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you.

Let's go!

MUSIC PLAYS

♪ I don't know what it is
That makes me love you so

♪ I only know
I never want to let you go

♪ Cos you started something
Oh, can't you see?

♪ That ever since we met
You've had a hold on me

♪ It happens to be true

♪ I only want to be with you... ♪

Come on.

♪ It doesn't matter where you go
Or what you do

♪ I want to spend each moment
Of the day with you

♪ Well, look what has happened
Just one kiss

♪ I never knew that I could be
In love like this

♪ It's crazy, but it's true

♪ I only want to be with you

♪ You stopped and smiled at me

♪ Asked if I care to dance

♪ I fell into your open arms

♪ And I didn't stand a chance

♪ Now, listen, honey

♪ I just want to be
Beside you everywhere

♪ As long as we're together, honey
I don't care

♪ Cos you started something

♪ Oh, can't you see?

♪ That ever since we met
You've had a hold on me

♪ No matter what you do

♪ I only want to be with you.

♪ You stopped and smiled at me

♪ Asked if I'd care to dance

♪ I fell into your open arms

♪ And I didn't stand a chance

♪ Now hear me, darling

♪ I just want to be
Beside you everywhere

♪ As long as we're together, honey
I don't care

♪ Cos you started something
Oh, can't you see?

♪ That ever since we met
You had a hold on me.

♪ No matter what you do

♪ I only want to be with you

♪ I said, no matter what you do

♪ I only want to be
I only want to be

♪ I only want to be with you. ♪

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Wow.

Thank you.

Funchal, capital of
the beautiful island of Madeira.

Jack, try and keep the maestro

sane and sober on the wine tour
tomorrow, will you?

I just thought it might be nice
to spend the day together

without you know who
lurking around every corner.

Our regular passengers
expect some variety.

You're asking me to sack Jack?

Well, it's just a bit of bants.

You're so lovely, Jamil.
I am?

Yeah. She is amazing, isn't she?

You can't just gawp at her.

Someone find this amusing?

What the hell are you doing
in my house?

I need your help.

♪ You thought you'd run away now

♪ From the troubles in your life

♪ And watch a new horizon
In the sky

♪ But now the truth
Has caught up with you forever

♪ It's waiting for you
In the deep blue. ♪