01x05 - Tracey in Wisconsin

[bunniefuu]

[plays piano]

[music intensifies]

Wait a second.

There's a recording device
under here.

Oh, is there really?

- [playing piano]
- You're not even playing.

[laughs]

♪ Smart ♪

♪ Less ♪

♪ Smart ♪

♪ Less ♪

- [sirens blaring]
- [traffic noises]

[Jason] Sean, too rock-n-roll?

Do I look like--

[Will singing] * No-no-no...
No, no, no... ♪

♪ Oh, yeah! ♪

[continues singing]

They're doing a remake
of Pretty Women,

- but with the guy.
So, he's the guy.
- [Sean chuckles]

But do I look like
Chrissie Hynde?

- [Sean chuckles]
- I don't wanna look
like Chrissie Hynde.

[Will] You look like
one of those things,

like you come in, with your
shades on, you go...

♪ Oh, yeah... Ba-da-ba-bum ♪

[vocalizing]

♪ Ba-da-ba-ba-bum ♪

[both] * Chik... chik... kah ♪

[singing]

[Jason] I wear what I'm told.

♪ Na-na-na... Cool dad ♪

♪ Da-da-da... I'm young ♪

- [continues singing]
- [chuckles]

So, I'm trying to figure out

should I bring my sister
on first?

Should I bring her
in the middle?

Should I bring her in the end?

Does she wanna
come out at all?

My guess is, she doesn't
wanna do any of it.

She just wants to wave
and say, "Hello" if anything.

But I'm gonna try and convince
her to come out and maybe do

little bit at the top.
But if I...

If I lead them to believe

that she's actually
the mystery guest,

I feel like they may
go on too long.

They may be so enthralled

with beating the sh*t
out of me in the best way...

that I can't get
in there to get her...
you know what I mean?

[Jason] Wait, are you doing
a private testimonial?

Yeah. I've been doing them
this entire time.

- [Jason gasps]
- [Sean] You like that stuff?

[Jason] No, I don't want them
to think that

- we were rude
and we didn't try everything.
- [Sean] Yeah.

- Mmm-hmm. Oh, wow.
- These are so good.

Just half? Samuel?

You already put it
in your mouth.

- [Samuel] Yeah,
I'm not gonna eat that.
- Why would you eat that?

Mmm...

I'll give you one anyway.

Did you wear
any of this before?

And it's all in black.

Shoes and pants.

- It's what? All black?
- Mmm-hmm.

- Good for you.
- You want all black like that?

Well, why not? I mean...

like there was a navy work
in there.

These are actually
olive pants...

- Mmm-hmm.
- ...that were...

on the sheet.

And, um...

- I don't think
it was happening.
- Mmm-hmm.

And brown boots...

The brown boots have no tread.

And since we're going
into weather,

I thought, I don't wanna
fall on my a*s.

The, um...

So you don't want
this last one?

The brown shoes with
the whole black outfit,

that would've been
a nightmare.

Is that your second one?

Yeah. There's a whole other
bag of 'em.

- You needed two?
- I did.

- One didn't do it?
- No.

I'm going on stage. I need
to watch my weight.

[Will] I feel like I've put on
some weight on this tour.

My body dysmorphia...

which has been aided
by my friend...

[Jason] Yeah, I'm sorry.

Um...

...is pretty bad.

I'm a pig. He's right.

I'm an animal.

And I barely deserve
to be on this planet.

- Yeah, I need to lose,
like, ten pounds.
- No.

- No, I do. I do.
- I don't think so.

[Will] But you know, I got
three kids...

The way they eat... the kind
of food that they like...

I'd do a pretty good job,
but also...

I don't wanna be
depriving them of...

- fun and being
a kid and having...
- [chuckles]

[Jason] Yeah, fruit loops
is so fun.

'Cause I don't want...
they're gonna have
eating disorders

and have a lot of issues
with it.

And their relationship
with food will be f*cked up.

[Jason] You don't think
eating healthy

can exist without
an eating disorder?

It can. But it's a lot
of talking about it.

[Jason] Well, sometimes,
it takes repetition

to really grind it in.

I know I need it.

Okay, Great Santini.

[Jason chuckles]

Hi, come on in.

Oh, I forgot this.

[Will] Bye, thank you.

Hey, I got a look
at your sheets.

I hope left a tip for that.

[Sean] Yeah, I put it
on your card.

[Jason] Hi.

- [Will] Hilarious.
- [Sean] Really funny.

[Jason] Um...

I find myself
in a really good rhythm

with this travel thing.

I usually
don't like traveling,

but...

checking in, checking out,
zipping up, zipping out...

- Um...
- What, when...

on tour, you really,
how you don't do anything?

I guess that's the part
that's feeling kind of smooth.

[Sean chuckles]

By the way, you know
we're on LSD, right?

- Right now? Still.
- Yeah. Like short drive.

Oh, God. Thank God.

You got me so worried
that I as on acid.

[Jason] Huh...

- [air hostess] Hello.
- [Jason] Hi.

I haven't sat in
this seat yet.

- Oh...
- Thank you.

- [Jason] Huh...
- [Will] Is the flight
only half an hour?

- [Sean] Yeah.
- [Jason] If that.

And we're not getting higher
than 300 feet
off the ground.

[Sean] We're actually taking
the highway.

[all chuckling]

So, I go to Safari

and I just type in Wordle.

[chuckles]

Every time.

"A daily word game."

[exhales]

[Jason] Oh, work it, Will.

Really concentrate, bro

and see if you can
figure it out.

He thinks that if
he thinks hard enough,

it'll come to him

what the five-letter word
is today.

Stupid a*s.

Just start with something.

Oof...

Not a good start.

I got one in the wrong place.

I got two in the wrong place.

And now I have three
all in the wrong place.

I'm doing real bad.

[Jason] Guys,
I got it in five.

Does anybody want hints?

Ah, f*ck.
I got it in four, but...

What?

[Sean] Oh, I did this one
last night.

And I didn't remember
it took me four tries.

[chuckles]

[Jason] You guys both
got it in four?

[Will] Yeah.

Well, I'm new at this.
Watch your soda pop.

Guys, we're blasting off.

- [chuckles]
- [Jason] Guys, we're blasting.

And welcome to Madison.

[all chuckling]

[Jason] Thanks, guys.

- [Sean] Hello... good.
How are ya?
- Hi, how are you?

- I'm Sean.
- Oh, look at this.

Oh, my God. [chuckles softly]

Who me?

- [chuckles]
- What?

- Sean, you have
pulled up the Waze...
- On the Waze...

...you are on a bus.

Hmm...

[Will] It is an exercise in
powerlessness, Sean.

No, I know. Yeah. Okay.

[chuckles]

So glad we didn't do
three hours in here,
I'm already carsick.

[chuckles] Yeah, I know.

It's a nice bus.

[Jason] How much further
do we have, Sean?

[Sean] 12 minutes.

What if I open this
and somebody was in there?

- [Will] Like your dad?
- [Sean] Oh, God.

Oi. Where are you
based out of?

[driver]

- Oh, yeah?
- [driver]

[Jason] Where did you sleep
last night?

[driver] At a hotel just
south of Chicago.

Why didn't you
just sleep in here?

[driver]

No shower in here?

[driver]

Ah...

- I get it.
- [Will] There's
the capital building.

[Jason] The famous
Madison Capital.

It's the capital of Wisconsin,
you f*cking moron.

These are
the longest ten minutes
in the world. Right?

A watched pot never boils.

- Five minutes.
- What did he say?

Bang!

That's how quick.

You notice I went right
for the end of the chin,

the furthest point
from the top of the head.

That's how you knock
a guy out.

This is what they taught you
in fight camp?

No, this is what they
taught me in life.

[chuckles]

There's a frozen lake.

[Jason] Huh? Which lake
is that, smart guy?

[Sean] This is Lake Mendota.

- Is it one of the Great Lakes?
- No.

Is it in the Great
Lake system?

Lake Mendota. No...

- Great Lakes?
- ...like this.

No, the Great Lakes
are to the east of here.

And that would be Michigan

and also to the north of here
would be Superior.

[Sean]

And we're definitely not
in, like, a big city.

Should we push
the show back, maybe?

[chuckles]

Nothing would make
traveling more exciting.

These guys are out there

- fishing a bit.
- [Will] Are they?

Those two fellows are deep.

Oh, f*ck.

We got bass. We got perch.

We got f*cking Northern pike.

We got f*cking it all, eh?

[Jason] Yeah, really fat fish
swimming this time of year.

[Will] Like,
I'll tell you what,

you get on your snow machine,

you can get out there and get
going pretty good, you know?

- [chuckles]
- [Will] That's for sure.

You hungry, Scotty?

Look what I prepared for you.

Oh, thank you. Welcome.

Edgewater...

Edgewater. We're out
on the edge of the water.
Do you get it?

Oh, people are walking
right there.

[gasps] Let's get out there.

Have you ever
walked to the lake before?

- No. Have you?
- Yeah.

I don't need the yeah.

[Will] It's the best.

[Jason] Well, let's do it.

When would we get
another chance?

[Sean] You guys, we're
at the edge of the water.

[Will] Look at all the people
walking out here on the ice.

[Sean] Oh, my God.
They're walking on the ice?

What are they doing?

Why would they do this?

Look. There're stairs
right there.

It's part of the hotel.

I mean, they got hockey nets
out there.

f*ck' where? oh, f*ck...

They got a rink
out there. Oh, sh*t.

[Jason] Let's check it
out there and walk.

I'm going out there
and walking.

[Sean] Did we press
the right one?

You pressed one? Oh, you did!

Oh...

You got your sunglasses on
for a f*cking arctic day?

There hasn't been sun here
for a week.

'Cause I didn't want
to get that look.

Which is this sh*t look.

[all chuckling]

Sean. Back me up on this.

[chuckles]

Oh...

- [Jason] Is this correct?
- [Will] Yeah.

No. Not one, you dummy.

[Jason] Well, where does
everyone else

put their bottom floor?

[Sean] What?

[Will] Where was
the main floor
that we got off?

[Jason] Oh, the star,
the six...

- [Will] Seven.
- [Jason] That's why
it was a short elevator ride.

- [Will] You're so dumb.
- [Jason] Yeah... well...

[Will] Oh, my God. I can smell
how dumb you are.

[Sean] Six.

[Sean] Who builds the first
floor at number six?

- [Will] 'Cause it's on a hill.
- [Sean] Oh, yes.

- [Jason] Four.
- [Sean] Oh, my gosh.

[Jason] I've never gotten off
one elevator...

so many times.

[Will] Three... big idiots.

Why wouldn't you bring
your gloves on this?

[Jason] I know.
They're in my bag.

[Will chuckles]

[Jason] I really hope
one of us falls on the ice.

[Will] I really hope
one of us doesn't.

[Jason] Hi. Which way do we go
for a lake-walk?

[man] A lake-walk. Absolutely.

[Jason] Like on to the ice?

[man]

[Jason] And it's safe?

[Will] Look at this.

[Jason] Guys, I'm cold.

[Jason] You got really good
shoes on for this, Willie.

[Will] Yup.

Plus, I'm not a p*ssy,
'cause I'm Canadian.

- [Jason chuckles]
- [Will] By the way,
this place is f*cking rad.

I bet in the summer,
this will be a great spot
to sit down

and have a couple
of cold ones, bud.

[Sean] Wow,
this is pretty cool.

Smash cut.

- [Jason] Send me the rope!
- [Sean chuckles]

- [Jason] Just throw the rope!
- [Sean chuckles]

[Jason] I can't feel...
[gagging]

[gagging]

[Sean] Oh, my God.
Can you imagine?

This doesn't scare you?

[Jason] Yeah. Wait till I fall
on my a*s

in my dumbass boots.

Leave you hands available
for slipping.

[Sean] This is so scary.

Hang out and play
with the crack right there.

- [Sean] Oh,
I do that every night.
- [Jason] Hey-oh.

[Jason chuckling]

[Sean] Wait, we're walking
on the lake.

This is so crazy.

It's wet.

It's pretty frozen.

What is that game over there?
What is that thing?

- [Will] Hockey.
- It is?

[Jason] Why is it wet?

- Does that mean it's thinner?
- [Will] Yeah,
'cause they f*cking...

smooth is over or whatever.

How do you smooth it?

Does that mean when you
walk on there, you fall in?

[Will] Probably not.

Let's go, check it out, Sean.

[chuckles]

[Sean] I don't wanna keep
walking that way.

Are you nervous?

Yeah, I don't wanna
walk where it's slushy.

We're in the middle
of the f*cking lake.

[gasps] What a bully.

Oh, God.

- [chuckling]
- [gasping]

No. No.

[Will] It's your turn, sister.

No, I talk my problems out.

[Sean] I gotta go. Freezing.

- Where you going?
- [Sean] It's cold!

Yeah, let's not ruin
a good thing, all right?

- [Will] Oh, that's it?
- [Jason] Congrats, guys.

The term is "Indoor Cats".

- [chuckles]
- [man] Wait. Everybody
stop for a second.

- Okay.
- [man] We need dance music.

Scotty, can you help?

This is the dance move
my sister taught me

before my fourth grade dance.

And then when I got out
on the dance floor,

the girl said, "Is that
the only step you know?"

She walked off the dance floor

- and I've never danced since.
- Oh...

- Is that true?
- That's a true story.

- Really?
- ♪ Everybody dance now ♪

["Gonna Make You Sweat"
by C+C Music factory playing]

♪ Give me the music ♪

♪ Give me the music ♪

♪ Everybody dance now ♪

[chuckles] I can't.
Okay, we're done.

Let's see how this guy did.

Oh yeah, Okay. Well, we're
gonna get you out there.

This and that and that.

And that.

To be able to do that all...

at a nuclear power plant...

[laughing]

By the way, he's holding
the Norwegian flag

as he does it.

[Sean]

[Jason]

- [Will] We got food coming.
- [Sean] Did you order?

[Jason]

[Sean]

- [Will] I got a salad.
- [Jason]

[Will] I sure did.

[Jason]

[laughing]

Do you know the expression,
"Can't win"?

[Sean] Yeah.

[Jason]

[Sean] By the way,
she said 06:45

and it's 06:45.

Now, thank you, professor.

[Sean chuckles]

[Jason]

"According to my calculations

Madison should have
never been built."

[chuckles]

"Uh... The table water level

is much too high, I said."

- [Jason] Oh, my gosh.
- [Will] Oh, my God.
There she is.

[Jason]

[Will] Hold on.

[Will] What are we gonna
find out that you dripped...

- into tonight?
- [men laughing]

[Sean] That's what... here's
your fried chicken salad.

Oh...

That's such an oxymoron.

He didn't ask me
what kind of salad

- and I was just waiting...
- Oh, look they put a funny...

c*ck on your thing.

- You know, it's W-A-as*h*le.
- They think you're a dickhead.

[chuckling]

When you order
fried chicken salad,

it's gotta be a dickhead.

- [chuckles]
- [Will] Hey, f*ck off, dude.

You don't need
to turn it over, by the way.

Thank you. Thank you.

I'm not gonna turn it over.

Only thing I'm turning over

is my will
to the power of God.

Thank you so much.

- Thank you...
- Second meal?

- Oh...
- Oh, girl.

♪ You'd be in trouble
If you ate my fries... ♪

[humming]

- Oh, they put cheese on it...
- [Jason] I'm confused.

This is the specialty?

[chuckles]

It's just meat.

I'm so sorry.

This f*cking salad
is delicious.

How did you get lettuce
and tomato on all
the stuff of yours?

- I don't know.
- Want some ketch?

I got that.

I got some waffle fries.

I wanna trade you
my waffle fries

for the rest of your salad.

Nope.

You're still bummed.

And you ribbed me
and everything
and now you're really jealous.

I realize I can't have
all this gluten.

I'll sh*t my pants in the
middle of the interview.

- [all chuckling]
- [Will] I'm praying for that.

- [chuckling]
- [Will] Thanks, man.

I'd tell ya, I eat...

Try to f*cking get it down
your hole

and then communicate.

- [chuckles]
- [laughs]

[chuckles]

- While his mouth is full.
- [both chuckle]

While his f*cking mouth
is full.

[Jason] My lips are longer.

[imitates Jason]

My lips are longer.

No, you just got
a bigger mouth.

- Semantics.
- Waffle fries.

Tremendous.

To me, second only
to onion rings.

- Curly fries.
- What's the difference?
They're all...

It's all a fried potato.

What do you mean,
"What's the difference?"

It's the shape
and the seasoning, Sean.

And the curly fry is able
to get crispier

than the waffle fry,
because it's leaner.

- I admit it.
- [Jason] A leaner cut.

So, I'm crispier.

Do you know that he teaches
fries at Cal State Fullerton?

[chuckles]

I feel like I might need
to take a shower

after that burger.

[all chuckling]

I got stuff caught
in my teeth.

- [Sean chuckles]
- He showers after he eats.

[burping]

- [imitating burping]
- [Sean chuckles]

- Yeah.
- [chuckling]

I can't believe
you do that, too.

I do it exactly the same.

I've never heard more talk
about like...

shower and the thing
and what we do and...

Blah, blah, blah, blah...
never heard more.

Um, Jason, Jason...

Phone, headphones,
TV, everything...

ba-da-da-da-da...
constantly...

Don't touch my sh*t.

Constant... just stuff
coming in at all times.

How about
sitting with yourself?

Is that too scary?

- You've tried it, right?
- [Sean coughs]

You've sat with me.

[Will] I'll be back.

Uh-oh... somebody just...
are you having a contraction?

[door closes]

- [Jason] Is he gonna poo?
- He better not.

[door opens]

[Jason] The hair is not really
happening tonight.

I should have brought
the other piece.

[Will chuckling]

Rock Dad.

"Hey, kids. Hey, g*ng.
I'm Rock Dad.

I'm gonna get
a pretty rad new Harley."

- [Sean] Hey.
- Hi, how are you?
Are we ready?

- Let's go, Sean.
- Let's go. Let's go.

[Jason] Is it... are we...

Hi!

I'll see you out there.

- [Will] Oh, God.
- I hope. Only if you feel it.

It's your decision.

Don't you let Sean force you.

[crowd cheering]

[Jason] Take your time
with the house lights.

- [Will] Oh, wait.
- [Jason] Yeah.

- [Will] Oh... oh, wait.
- [Jason] Um...

[Will] Take your time
with the house lights.

- Wait. I think
we're on right now.
- Oh...

- We should... yeah...
- Okay, so...

No flash photography.

Don't use your
f*cking cellphones.

[both] Don't record,
have a good time...

say hi to your neighbor.

[all three] And
this is SmartLess!

[Sean] Hello, Madison!

[crowd cheering]

Whoo!

[Will] We...

We finally made it
to Madison, Wisconsin.

- What's that?
- [crowd cheering]

Okay. I gotta...

I gotta say a little bit,

you know, as you guys know,

you're a big part
of the podcast

and coming here today

kinda feels a little bit
like a home game.

Yeah, yeah. And a shoutout
to The Edgewater Hotel

- who housed us
for four hours today.
- Yeah.

It's right on the frozen lake

and us soft little LA freaks,

we're like, "Well,
that lake's frozen.

I see people walking on it.
Should we go walk on it?"

So, we walked on it.

[Will] Not to pull rank
too much,

but neither of them had ever
been out

on a frozen lake before,

which you guys know
is just what you do.

Look, as a Canadian, I get it.

[crowd laughs]

- [Sean] Hey, let's sit down.
- Um...

Wait. Let's switch seats...

Oh, let's switch...

[Sean] So, you know,
we're here because

my sister
lives in Wisconsin...

- [crowd cheering]
- And... yeah, yeah.

And just one quick
Tracy story,

she came to pick me up at
college after my fourth year

and she came in some
pickup truck or something.

And we got high
before we got into the truck.

- And we got...
- Sean...

- [Will] Come on.
- What?

- Drugs?
- [both laugh]

- That's a good one. And...
- [crowd laughs]

- [laughs]
- I'm driving up Route 55,

listening to Madonna

and we're both like
in our own world,

like we're actually Madonna
and like...

♪ Just like a prayer ♪

All of a sudden I open my eyes
and in the rear view mirror

I just see some pants.

[crowd laughs]

And then a shirt.

- And then she's driving.
She's like...
- [chuckles]

"Holy sh*t!" Some more
pants and some socks

and like a suit...

And then we're like,
"Maybe we should pull over."

We pulled over
and I'm talking like...

- two miles of clothes...
- [laughs]

...behind us. Right?

And we just... what do we do?
Should we go back and get it?

No, we didn't get...
we just drove the f*ck home.

[all laughing]

But you know, why finish
any of these stories,

when I can have Tracy
tell them herself.

What?

- [all cheering]
- Yeah. Yeah.

- Whoo!
- [Will] You guys!

[Jason] Tracy!

Thank you for being here.

She doesn't look like
she needs

anything explained to her.

[chuckles]

How f*cking weird is it?

- [chuckles] It is weird.
- Right.

And all these people
know who you are, because...

we talk about you
all the time.

- Yeah.
- [Tracy] Here's the thing...

I am a single mom

- and I'm at home...
- [man] Tracy!

and I literally, it makes
my Monday...

I think it makes
everybody's Monday morning

- to look forward to that.
- That's nice.

- [crowd cheering]
- Yup.

So, I really appreciate
you guys...

- [Sean] That's what--
- ...involving me.

You used to be
a police officer.

I'm obsessed with
crazy police stories.

Do you have a crazy one?

- You used to be
a police officer?
- Yeah.

- Hang on a second.
- Well, we didn't know that.

So, I was a cop for 15 years.

But we lived
in Glen Ellyn, Illinois,

where the worst thing
that would happen

- if somebody's bike--
- You don't say that.

- Well, bike--
- You weren't there.

- No, like, okay...
- [audience laughing]

Did you ever work on a case
of a weed-smoking couple

- who lost a bunch of clothes
on the highway?
- [all laughing]

Did you guys
ever solve that case?

[all laughing]

What was the most dangerous
thing you were ever
involved with as a cop?

You know, burglaries and...

domestic... probably domestic.

Did you see any dead bodies?

- Yeah, a ton.
- You did?

- No way.
- [Sean] Then that became
normal to you?

- Yeah. That doesn't bother me.
- Okay. Great.

Really, really?
Did you ever see anybody...

uh... get dead?

- [audience laughing]
- Is that the way
you say it, Will?

- A m*rder. No.
- [Will] "Die".

Even die he made longer.

[all laughing]

We're having fun, Tracy.

[chuckles]

Were you a motorcycle cop
or did you drive a car?

[Tracy] I drove a car.

- Dude, she could've been
a motorcycle cop...
- Okay, but I mean...

We didn't have
motorcycle cops.

- You didn't have
motorcycle cops?
- [Tracy] No.

Oh, 'cause of weather, right?

- [all laughing]
- What?

[Will] Now you can
see in person

what we're
dealing with. It's...

[chuckles]

It's absurd.

But if you're in a place
that has a lot of winter...

- um... [chuckles]
- [audience laughing]

You can't have...

you can't have
a motorcycle cop,

- 'cause you got snow and ice
and stuff like that...
- Good for you, dude.

- I figured...
- [chuckles]

You see, I have a process

that I figure stuff out.

- [chuckles]
- [Sean] Um...

What was one of the best
memories you have of me?

[audience laughing]

Well, growing up we had
just us five kids.

- Yeah. Chaos.
-"Just us five kids"?

We were the two youngest,
so we kinda stuck together.

Poor guy. I made him
do, like,

baton lessons
and cheerleading...

- I mean, it was bad.
- Yeah, she did.

- She did. You wanna do
a cheer together right now?
- No.

Oh, please do a cheer now.

- No.
- Oh, my God. [chuckles]

- [audience cheering]
- Right now. Right now.

Okay, I'm gonna do it.

- Here we go.
- [Tracy] I am not doing it.

Five, six, seven, eight...

- We've got power.
- [chuckles]

- [chuckles]
- Wild cat power.

- [audience cheering]
- P-O-W...

- E-R... We've got power.
- [chuckles]

- We've got power.
- [laughs]

[cheering]

Stand up.

Thank you. I love you.

[Jason] Madison's own, Tracy.

Let's move on, shall we?

Where are we going?

We're gonna go on
a little trip, Jason.

[chuckles]

You know how you wonder
how sometimes certain people

in our business
become successful

and then they sustain
that success, right?

Sure you need
talent and brains

and ability to capture
an audience,

but I found
the secret ingredient

to becoming a superstar

is being a nice person.

- Huh!
- Right?

This person
is one of those people.

He's one of the nicest,
kindest people

I've ever had the pleasure
of being friends with.

He's the first person
to introduce me to a Segway.

The scooter. Not how
to connect thoughts.

- [audience laughing]
- He's played an attorney,

a pickpocket, a talking shrimp

and a spy for the FBI.

He also happened
to appear with me on
one of the funniest episodes

of Will Grace.

Unlike how he's treated
by Jimmy Kimmel,

we have plenty of time
for him tonight,

- it's Matt Damon.
- What?

[all cheering]

Whoo!

- Hey, buddy.
- [Will chuckles] Hey, buddy.

[audience cheering]

[Will] What?

I know you're probably
wondering who cancelled

and thank you for replacing
at the last minute.

- [Matt] You're very welcome.
- Yeah.

If I was ever gonna
do this show,

it would have to be
in Wisconsin, right?

- [audience cheering]
- [laughs]

He's the perfect example
of the nicest guy

- in the world.
- [Sean] That's why I said.

[Jason] The kindness
that you have

is so authentic and sincere

and organic.

What is is that keeps you from

behaving badly...

And let me just say
before you answer that,

Jason wants to know why aren't
you giving into your desire

to be shitty to people...

- [all laughing]
- ...because he finds it

really hard to bury it.

Is it similar
to how he buries it?

- Go ahead.
- [audience laughing]

I don't know. I never had
an impulse to do that.

I think I was just lucky
I had great parents,

a great big brother
and a great foundation.

So, were your parents
in the arts or no?

No. No. My mom's a professor

of early childhood education.

- Oh, wow.
- [audience member cheers]

- [all cheering]
- [Sean] You went
to Harvard, right?

You only went for one year.
Did you go for four years
or what?

I went for five years.
[chuckles nervously]

- Oh...
- Did you really?

- Yeah, I got credit
for three of them.
- [audience laughing]

Was it hard?

[stammering]

- The school?
- Just humor him.

Was Harvard hard?

[chuckles]

I don't have
a high school diploma.

Please bear with me.

I mean, obviously it was hard.
I didn't finish.

- So, you know...
- [laughs]

Did not finish?
Did not graduate?

No, no, no. I'm still on
a leave of absence, guys, ok?

- [laughs] Right.
- This ain't over yet.

Okay? Don't count me out.

I would be a senior
if I went back.

- [all laughing]
- You were so close.

You know, have you ever
done a commencement speech?

I did the commencement
speech at MIT.

Yeah. They don't ask me
for that stuff.

[all laughing]

Ben, I know he did
one at Brown.

And Ben got a diploma
from Brown.

Tracy, that's Ben Affleck.

- Yeah. And... [chuckles]
- [audience exclaiming]

The great thing about that
was that

John Krasinski went to Brown

- and is very proud of that.
- [audience exclaiming]

And studied, I mean, worked
really hard for four years

and got a diploma
and Ben called him

and said, "I was in
Rhode Island for 45 minutes

- and I..."
- [all laughing]

- I love that.
- Hang on.

Bear with me
for one more second.

if you give
a commencement speech,

- you get a diploma...
- Yes.

An honorary doctorate.

- Doctorate?
- I got one of those, too.

Do you have to have
a high school diploma before?

- No!
- By the way, by the way,

- asking for a friend.
- I'm just asking for a friend.

I don't think
I know this answer.

When did you meet Ben Affleck?

I was ten and he was eight.

- And... Oh...
- [Sean] Really?

- [chuckles]
- [audience laughing]

We grew up 200 yards
away from each other.

- And met each other--
- Like out on
the street playing...

Yeah, we used to play
little league together

and we used to play...
When he got to high school,

I was a junior
and he was a freshman.

- And that's when
we really started...
- Oh, wow...

...hanging. And he'd been
on an after-school special,

he'd been on a... he was like
the big star

- of high school...
- And was he like a big shot?

When he arrived
at the high school,

I had to set him straight...

'Cause I was the lord
of that theater department.

- [all laughing]
- And I went up to him,

like, first day
and like pulled him up

- and was like, "Hey..."
- [chuckles]

"...You know, it's different
here in the theater."

[all laughing]

You went straight d*uche
right away.

You're not gonna
get by on your looks.

- [all laughing]
- Oh...

- That's hilarious.
- And we were both like 5'2''.

[all laughing]

- What about... you ever
done a musical?
- Yes.

- You have?
- Of course.

- Hang on...
- What did you do?

- I was Pippin.
- No way.

- Heck yeah. Yeah.
- What!

- I totally--
- ♪ Everything has its season ♪

♪ Everything has its time ♪

♪ Show me a reason ♪

♪ And I'll soon
Show you a rhyme ♪

[Sean] Oh, my God.

I literally, I sing that
to my daughter

- [Jason] Really?
- ...to drive her... I do.
With the choreography

we did, it was like...

Let's see it. Here we go!

- Literally like...
- A five, six, seven, eight...

It was like...

♪ Rivers belong
Where they can ramble ♪

- ♪ Eagles... ♪
- [both chuckle]

- That was literally
the choreography.
- Yeah.

So, that's my kryptonite.

I can't sing
in the shower either.

I can't sing either.

- That sounded pretty good.
- [chuckles]

[audience cheering]

You still love theater,
you still want to do theater?

Actually, I was gonna
say because...

Leave it. Don't.
Keep it there.

[audience laughing]

[Jason] Keep talking.

When I went to see you
on Broadway...

- Was this Promises, Promises?
- It was Promises, Promises.

- [audience cheering]
- And so...

Hold for applause, Matt.

- Obviously he was amazing.
- Yeah...

It was deep
into the run though.

And we went backstage and...

It made me never wanna
do theater again.

I was like, "Hey.
What's going on? Hi."

- [gasps]
- Scotty just had
his hand around.

- He's just holding you up.
- [chuckles]

You were like, "Eight shows
a week. Who would do this?

- Yeah...
- [both chuckle]

And you still had, like,
a month-and-a-half to go.

Yeah. You were so nice
to come. A. And B...

I sent you a long time ago
as a birthday gift...

t-shirts with
my picture on it.

- Oh, that's right.
- And you wore it to the show.

- That's right.
- [both] Oh, my God.

- That's right. I totally
forgot about that.
- [Sean] Yeah.

And you had holes in it.

And you were like,
"I sleep in it."

Because I did.
Because you know those shirts
that you wash so many times?

- Yeah.
- They're like,
they're better...

That was my
Sean Hayes shirt...

- Yeah.
- [chuckles]

I too get better
the more you wash me.

[all laughing]

He did this episode
of Will Grace.

- Oh, my God.
- He played this guy who
actually pretended to be g*y,

so he could sing
in the g*y men's chorus.

- [audience laughing]
- Because they were
going to Europe

- and he wanted the free trip
to Europe.
- Right.

- [all laughing]
- It was such a...

It was so stupid.

It was so funny though.

Did you sing on the show?

- Yeah, he did.
- In the chorus, we all sang.

But the whole idea
was that Sean,

- he figures it out.
- And I'm like,
"You're straight.

- I know you're straight."
- And so, he tries to "in" me.

- Right.
- Instead of out him.

[Matt] I couldn't believe how

by that point, because you'd

put all the work in
for ten years,

how little you guys worked.

- I was like, "Holy sh*t."
- Yeah.

- It's amazing.
- It was criminal.

Well, James Burrows,
who's one of the greatest
directors of all time...

- Yeah.
- He's got me like this, right?

So, now... and I got
spoiled at such a young age,

so now when I'm on set,
I'm like...

"What's taking so long?"
You know.

I wanna talk about, you know.

I know you're so sick
of talking about...

You have typed questions.

[Jason] You know what?

- That's amazing, by the way.
- Sean prepares. Sean prepares.

That's harder than you worked
on that episode

- of Will Grace.
- [all laughing]

Without a doubt.

[chuckling]

It's so true
and I made so much money.

- [audience laughing]
- [Will] Sean is...

Sean is so organized.

One of things that
we're finding out in this tour

- Oh, my God.
- is, Sean is...

It's insane.
So, the other night,

we all had dinner,
like eight or ten of us.

The food arrived.
We started eating.

Sean's finished in,
I don't know,

- maybe two minutes.
- [chuckling]

And he stands up and starts...
he clears his plate

and then he starts clearing
all the loose ends

and then he starts
clearing the plate like...
No, no, no. I'm not done yet.

- What... Right?
- [chuckles]

- Still chewing.
- Now this is a hotel room.

There're people who're gonna
come and clean it anyway.

But no. He's cleaning it.

You know, my wife does
this exact same thing.

It drives me crazy.

It's bonkers.

I'm like, "Why are you
busing the table?"

- [chuckles]
- Like, I'm eating my food...

- Like, I'm not...
- He likes order.

He doesn't like chaos.
He likes things done tight

or being driven here
in a tour bus.

- [Will and Sean] Yeah.
- And he's got...

he's got Waze open...

- Yeah.
- ...to make sure the driver

- is on the right route.
- Not a bit.

And so, we keep going,
every thirty seconds we go,

"How much longer, Sean?"
He's like, "Three minutes."

[all laughing]

But I'm starting a new app.

It's not called Waze,
it's called "Gays."

- It's much faster.
- [chuckling]

It's much faster...

[Sean] It's much faster.

With a more handsome font.

Yeah... [chuckles]

Uh, I wanna...

I wanna start
at the beginning.

- [chuckles softly]
- [Sean] No.

I know you're sick of talking
about Good Will Hunting.

- [audience exclaiming]
- And just bear with me here,

because there are young people
starting out

that love this story.

You just f*cking did it.
Like you just...

You're like,
"Well, I wanna work.

So, maybe I should just
write my own thing. Right?"

And then won and Oscar
for the script.

- It's like...
- I mean, it worked out.

- Yeah... Yeah, for you
to just... Yeah, exactly.
- [chuckling]

- Yeah, it worked out.
- [audience laughing]

We were desperate.
We were unemployed,

struggling actors and...

It was that movie,
Primal Fear...

- Auditioned for it.
- Yeah.

I swear to God, I auditioned
for it in Chicago.

Right. I paid
for a dialect coach

to prepare for the audition.

'Cause he switches
from Southern to normal

- or normal to Southern.
- It's like a Jekyll Hyde...

- thing.
-"Normal".

Did you say,
"Southern to normal"?

[audience exclaiming]

Oh, God.

I'm terrified for you, buddy.

- [chuckles]
- I gotta be honest.

The country just got
cut in half.

- And you can't...
- [all laughing]

You can only go
to half the country now.

[all laughing]

Where do you guys sh**t Ozark?

- [all laughing]
- [audience exclaiming]

- [chuckles]
- [Matt] Yeah.

So...

- Oh, God bless him.
- But the idea

was that there are
two distinctive voices

that come from this guy.

Both perfectly good voices.

Yes.

Two excellent,
distinctive voices.

But it's an actor's dream,

because it's... It's a really
showcasing part for him.

- Right.
- So, Ben and I realized,

"What are the chances that, A,
another one's gonna come

in the next five years...

and B, that even if it does,

we'll be the ones to get it?"

We'll get called back,
we'll get close.

Remember? Oh, you don't
remember auditioning.

- Yes, I do.
- You were like a star
for the whole...

You were a f*cking star

- when you were like eight.
- [Sean] Exactly.

And I was watching you like,
"That guy, I could do that."

-"I could do that."
- [all chuckling]

- [Will chuckles]
- So, that kind of started us
thinking about...

- writing.
- 'Cause you were dying
to be an actor,

- not a writer.
- Right. Right.

We were writing just
literally to give ourselves...

And you win an Oscar
for writing.

I know. It's weird.

I've never gotten any award
of any kind for acting.

- That's crazy.
- You get nominated
a sh*t ton of times, I'll bet.

I mean, I got a Golden Globe.

- Well, that's something.
- [Sean] Yeah,
that's something.

- [Jason] Come on.
- For The Martian, right?

- [Matt] For The Martian.
- [Sean] Yes.

Thank you. They gave it to me

in the category
of "Musical or comedy".

- [all laughing]
- No way.

- No way!
- [Matt] 100 percent.

By the way, it's one of my
favorite movies of all time.

It's so good.

- I appreciate it. Thank you.
- [Will] I wanna ask you this,

the f*cking Bourne movies...

- [audience exclaiming]
- That's crazy.

What was that experience like?

Because that, to me, is it.

And would you ever go through
that training process again?

- I was 45 on the last one.
- It hurt.

Yeah and people
would go like...

"Hey man. How did you get...?"
And I'd go, "Not worth it."

- Right.
- [all laughing]

Do you have any long-lasting
injuries from all of that?

No, no. It's all... little...

nick and cuts
and stuff from those
fight scenes, but...

You know, they're pulling
their punches.

In fact, on the first movie

The Bourne Identity, I fight
this guy in an apartment.

Nicky Node was his name
and Nicky was...

- In Paris.
- In Paris.

- Yeah. I know.
- [all laughing]

Why are you telling me
stuff I know, Matt?

Sorry. Sorry.

Nicky was a professional...

had been
a professional kickboxer

and he was an actor
and a stuntman and so...

I went to him before we shot.

And I said,
"Look, I'm really sorry.

I'm gonna accidentally
hit you..."

- [chuckles]
-"I mean, I just know I am.

"For every time I hit you,

I'll give you
a bottle of champagne."

And Nicky goes,
[in French accent]
"Well, this is good.

- Yes."
- [all laughing]

So, by the end of the day,

I owed the dude
a case of champagne.

- [chuckling]
- But...

he had been used to,
like, fighting professionally.

He was like,
[in French accent]
"It did not hurt at all."

- He was fine. You know
what I mean. He was like...
- [all chuckling]

He was thirsty,
he was leaning into it.

He was like, "Great."

He was like, "Any time
you wanna do a fight scene."

- [all cheering]
- I'm in.

You know, like, there are
the Tom Cruises of the world

who do their stunts.

- Yeah.
- Like literally
hang off a plane.

- Like do that.
- [Will and Jason] Yeah.

You know, I remember
I had dinner with him once

and it was after
he did the one

- where he ran around
the building.
- Yeah, that's crazy,

[Matt] And I go...

"Can you tell me
how that happened?"

And he's a really intense guy.

You know, he's like,
"Yeah, I'll tell you
how that happened."

He's like... so...[chuckles]
I go, "All right.

All right. I'm in."
I'm like, "Okay."

- Yeah.
- And he goes, I've been
thinking about

this shot for 15 years.

- [all laughing]
- I'm like, "Wow! Really?"

He goes, "So, I go
to the safety guy

"and I lay it all out.

"Safety guy goes,
'We can't do that.'

[audience laughing]

'It's too dangerous.
You can't do that.'

So, I get a new safety guy."

[all laughing]

That's the beginning.

The beginning of his story.

- No way.
- And I just go, "Stop".

- [laughing]
- Like... that's where
we're different.

- [Jason] Right.
- [chuckles]

When the safety guy
says, "No",

I'm like, "Eh, safety guy says

- it's not a good idea."
- [laughing]

You know.

I wanna know, you know,
another favorite movie

that I love that you're in is

The Departed.

- [Will] Yeah.
- [audience cheering]

[Sean] What was
that experience like?

How did you come
about that part?

This is the worst...
this is like...

How many names am I gonna drop

- that I have to pick up?
- You're allowed.

- You're allowed to.
- We were
at George Clooney's house.

- Sure.
- In Italy.

- We figured you knew him.
- Huh...

And Lucy and I were
sitting there at the pool.

Tracy, Lucy is...

Tell Tracy who Lucy is.

Tracy, Lucy is my wife.

[audience laughing]

How fun is it that he can
look at Tracy

- while he does it?
- [all laughing]

So, Brad Pitt...

- walks over... [chuckles]
- [chuckles]

Sounds like
a very nice weekend.

- Yeah.
- [Sean] Yeah.

Look, we were working, okay?

- Sure.
- It was hard.

- It was really hard.
- Rehearsing.

And Brad sat down
next to us and goes,

"Hey, Matty...

you wanna do a movie
with Martin Scorsese?"

- [chuckles] No way.
- [Sean] What?

And I was like...
[scoffs] "Yeah."

- Yeah... [chuckles]
- [audience laughing]

And he was like, "No,
I'm actually serious."

- Well...
- I'm like, "What are you
actually talking about?"

Drop the script on your
towel right then?

- Yeah and he goes...
- And then the script went...

- boop!
- [chuckles] Yeah, exactly.

[all laughing]

- [audience cheering]
- Yeah.

- Page one... [chuckles]
- [all chuckling]

Did you at any point say,
"Well, hang on second, bruh.

Why aren't you
playing this part?"

He felt like
he had aged out of it.

He's just
unbelievable generous.

And he goes, "Nah, I think
it'd be better if you did it."

- Really?
- I love me some Brad Pitt.

It's hard to not look at him.

It's so hard
not to look at him.

[all laughing]

He's the most regular guy.
He's from Missouri.

- Yeah.
- He just couldn't be...

- [audience member cheering]
- He couldn't be
more normal, Jason.

Yeah.

[Matt] He's really normal.

- [chuckles]
- He pushes down the instinct
to be shitty to people.

- Yeah... [chuckles]
- He actually said, "Hey, man,
I just wanna say

I loved your show
so much, man.

I watched the whole thing."

I was so shocked
and I was like, "Really?"

He goes, "Oh, I just loved..."
And then he gave me a big hug.

And I said,
"Thanks, man." And...

then we go
to the door to go out. I say,
"I'll see you guys later."

and I walk outside
and I slid down the wall.

I went, "Oh, my God."
[chuckles]

- [audience laughing]
- Oh, my God. [weeping]

[Jason] Yeah, yeah.

Who do you think
he thought you were?

- [laughs]
- [audience laughing]

[audience cheering]

I wanna introduce everybody
to the real Jason.

- [chuckles]
- He's finally showed up.

Well, speaking of normal,
Matthew Damon,

you're one of the most normal
people I've ever known.

- Is that it?
- Thank you for being here.

- Oh, my God.
- That's it.

That's all we have time for.

All right.

- Thank you for being...
- [all three] Matt Damon!

- [audience cheering]
- Guys, thank you.

[audience cheering]

- Wow.
- Wow!

- [Sean] That was quick.
- [woman] Yeah.

I love that man.

- [Will and Jason] Yeah.
- [Sean] He's the kind, like...

I was talking about
kindness and everything.

I do think it's interesting
though, you know,

when he did
The Talented Mr. Ripley,

- which is about a g*y...
- [chuckles]

What's that? Was it me?

- Here he comes.
- No, no...

- We're not doing a bye.
- No, no, not yet.

Usually, this is where
Sean starts wrapping up

and his brain breaks,

trying to work his way
to a bye.

- [audience laughing]
- You can feel it.

- I'm getting it right now.
-"I... just... you know...

Talented... Mr. Ripley..."

I was gonna say,

in The Talented Mr. Ripley,
he plays a g*y con man

and that's about the time he
started hanging out with me.

- [audience laughing]
- [Sean] But... [laughs]

[Jason] We are
thinking about...

getting rid of the bye.

- Yeah, what do you guys think?
- The bye...

[audience exclaiming]

- Yeah, both of them...
- It's so cringy...

[Will] So, listen,
if you wanna

pick on anybody
after this show,

these three said they want us
to get rid of it.

But about if we just
change it to a...

"See ya" and then we can
find a "See"...

- But we can't think of...
- Wait, wait, wait, wait...

- ...any more byes.
- Wait.

Wait, wait.

Let's vote on it right now.

Um, so, "Bye"...

[audience cheers exultantly]

- And...
- Or "See ya"...

[audience cheers sparsely]

- I didn't pitch it well.
- Well, so you know
which one won.

[all three] Bye!

- [audience cheering]
- Thank you, Madison.

Thank you guys so much.

[audience cheering]