04x02 - Pyg & Tam

[bunniefuu]

Hold all my calls.

[giggling]

♪ Boss Baby ♪

♪ I'm the Boss, Boss Baby, boss, boss
Boss Baby, boss, boss ♪

♪ Watch a itty-bitty kid get large ♪

♪ I'm the big Boss Baby in charge ♪

♪ Stroller rolling
Up and down the boulevard ♪

♪ I'm the big Boss Baby in charge ♪

♪ I run this house, I rule this crib ♪

♪ Change my diaper, son
Where's my bib? ♪

♪ Don't pacify
You just got to pay me ♪

- ♪ Who's in charge? ♪
- ♪ Me, the Boss Baby ♪

- [birds chirping]
- [inhales deeply]

[exhales]

[chirping continues]

That's what a bird sounds like.

You wanna hear what a horsey sounds like?

I very much do, but later.

For now, let's all just bask
in the progress we've made

toward winning 100 percent
of the world's love.

A slow, steady march
to Yellow 100.

[chuckles] We're so good at this,
it's almost boring.

Know what'd make
this moment perfect?

- Spreadsheets fresh off the printer?
- Still warm!

Ooh! Ah.

I need approval
for the Binkle-Tinkleton merger.

Love that merger!

Uh, designs for the self-cleaning
high chair.

More high, less chair.

- Blip!
- Bleep.

- Bloop.
- I got this one!

[stammers] Um, what a robot sounds like?

Uh-uh. That's what the big board
sounds like.

- [screen trills]
- What the blip bleep bloop was that?

[gasps] Did baby love just go... down?

Maybe it's a programming glitch?

Hang on, I'll punch a computer.

- [Jimbo grunts]
- [baby] Hey!

- [trills]
- [slurps, spits]

It's real! It's happening!

It's the first wave of a market crash!

Sound the alarm!

Sir, we haven't installed
the new siren yet.

You wanted that extra sireny one,
and it was on back order, so...

- Triplets!
- Yes!

[siren wailing]

Emergency protocols!
Yellow 100 is under attack!

[all screaming]

Find me anything
that could have caused that dip.

Diaper change in a restaurant?
Tantrum at a violin concerto?

- Who's doing this?
- [Hendershot] Double-B, I got something.

[upbeat music playing]

♪ It's Pyg, yeah, Pyg ♪

♪ Go, Pyg, the Pygmy Goat ♪

♪ It's Tam, go, Tam ♪

♪ Hey, Tam the Tamandua ♪

♪ Maria-Maria ♪

♪ Say, hey, Mari-Maria ♪

♪ Go, babies, yeah, babies, go ♪

[robotic voice] Pyg & Tam Love Babies.

Permission to "aww," sir?

Granted, but keep it short.

[all] Aww!

Done.

That was the most adorable,
catchy thing I've seen in my life.

Who was that?

Pyg and Tam,
huge TV stars in South America.

They say it's for babies,

but it's so dang precious,
folks all ages love the show.

That was a TV show?

Just started airing in the local market.
Probably what caused the dip in baby love.

I thought puppies and kittens
were the worst.

But they're no match for... exotic pets.

Whoa, hang on.

Says here they're actually taping locally,

in front of a live audience
at Channel Eight.

Thanks, Hendo.
I'll get my team together.

See what the hubbub is all about
and report back.

[Boss Baby] Keep that tank in park.

I'd like to do this recon myself.

With all due respect, sir,
I'm VP of field ops, you're CEO.

Normally, I go out, you stay in.

Love that Staci-brand moxie!

But in a world
where a small goat in a sweater

and an anteater in a hat
steal love from babies,

- there is no normal.
- [elevator dings]

[dramatic music playing]

That's what drama sounds like.

Ha! This is more adorable
than a dollop of cream!

[shouting] Computer music!

So this is the next thing
we have to listen to on all-day repeat

to keep a baby happy?

Look at these sheep, Templeton.

It's like they're all drinking
the sugar cereal milk.

Templeton?

I expected more from you.

Sorry! You know how hard it is to find
a hat that fits my awesome-shaped head?

And the bobbing to the music?

I have worms.

Why can't I just be a fan?

Some flash-in-the-pan goat
and tamandua hit my town,

and baby love takes a dip?

I don't like the way this smells.

And that's coming from a baby who needed
a diaper change two hours ago.

- Ew!
- I've been busy!

[upbeat music playing]

♪ A Pygmy goat and a tamandua, man ♪

♪ Pyg and Tam, Pyg and Tam ♪

♪ Tam likes the choo-choos
Pyg likes to eat cans ♪

♪ Pyg and Tam, Pyg and Tam ♪

♪ Maria-Maria is a very nice lady ♪

[robotic voice] Pyg & Tam Love Babies.

[chuckles] When you put words
to the pew-pew-skronk,

it's actually pretty catchy.

Parent-friendly theme song?
Oh, you're good.

Let's see how good.

- [applause]
- Hey, kiddos!

Maria-Maria here!

I'm so happy you came over
to play with us!

Hey, Pyg!

[bleats]

- How are you feeling today?
- [bleats]

"Grumpy!"

Oh, no!

You've probably been inside too long.

[Tam and Maria-Maria yawn]

"And I'm feeling slumberous."

Oh, hi there, Tam. Low energy, huh?

Well, when I feel blue
from staying inside all day,

I feel better when I go out and play!

♪ Who's got the squirmy
Squamy squirmies? ♪

[giggles]

♪ Like a giggly gaggly wormy ♪

[giggles]

[cheering]

- Oh, wow!
- Yeah, yeah, yeah!

[woman] Yeah!

[gasps] Earthquake...

localized in my butt?

[grunting] Gah!

Stupid catchy squirmy worm,
tushie dance bewitchment!

[giggles, gasps]

[grunts, pants]

Okay, they're dangerously good.

"Maria-Maria, I am having so much fun.

But do you know who's missing out
on the funshine?"

- [bleats]
- "Babies, babies, babies!"

Which of you babies wants to join
Pyg and Tam playing outside?

How about...

that one!

[gasps] They're onto me! Act stupid!

- Huh?
- Perfect.

- [giggling]
- [Mom] Oh, my gosh! They picked our baby!

[Dad] I guess we're supposed to
take him down there?

- [Tim] I got him!
- [Dad] Yeah!

Yeah!

[giggles]

[all] Aww!

Oh, what a cute baby!

"Do you know what I want to play?

My favorite outside activity
in the whole wide world!"

- [bleats]
- [Maria-Maria] "Walk the puppy!"

How dare you?

[crowd] Walk the puppy! Walk the puppy!

[all] Aww!

That's our son down there
dressed like a puppy!

Ready?

Walk, walk, walk, walk, walk the puppy!

Everybody!

[all] Walk, walk, walk, walk,
walk the puppy!

[scoffs] Should have sent me.

[Tim] I can't believe you were on TV!

That was so fun!

About as fun as a stage III diaper rash.

Oof, which I also currently have.

Free advice: do not neglect
a diaper change for two-plus hours.

I... don't think that advice
applies to me.

Any two Pyg and Tam beach towels
for only five bucks!

Mix and match!

There's no way
Maria-Maria picked me at random.

- That was a setup.
- For what?

They're clearly after Baby Corp's share
of the love market.

Embarrassing me was the warning shot.

So what are they firing at us next?

Uppies, Templeton.
I wanna look my adversary in the eye.

Wonderful job on the show today!

Pyg and Tam would love
to say "thank you" in person.

Sounds awesome!

Is it all right with your parents?

[Mom] I love Pyg and Tam!

I think they're good.

[Tam slurping]

[gulps]

[bleats]

Um, fun show!

- Really good job.
- Thank you.

Mr. Pyg and Mr. Tam are honored
by your presence.

Also, we know the baby can talk
and runs a secret corporation.

Great, we don't have to pretend anymore,

so why don't you drop
the phony translation act,

pack up these poor, dumb circus animals
you're exploiting for TV ratings,

and clear out of town
before this gets messy?

You have me all wrong, Boss Baby.

I am Pyg and Tam's communications liaison,
their lawyer, their agent,

and sometimes I suck the helium
out of balloons for their amusement.

[high-pitched voice] But I would never
exploit them.

- [bleats]
- "Laughing! Laughing!"

"Ha, ha, ha."

"Make sure they understand my voice
is actually one of gravity and import."

Of course, Mr. Tam.

[clears throat, coughs]

[normal voice]
"Now, shall we do business?"

The anteater's in charge?

[laughs]

That's hilarious!

That was insensitive.
I'm sure you're great.

"I am in charge.

But I'm a tamandua.

- Anteaters are hillbillies."
- Noted.

But my warning stands.

I don't know how you found out
about Baby Corp.

"We share a mutual acquaintance.

A Mr. The Pug?"

Well, thank you, Bug.

But my warning still stands.

You come after our love, be ready to...

"No. We have no interest
in stealing love from babies."

[gasps] They wanna steal babies!

"What?"
[high-pitched voice] "What?"

No? Sorry, just guessing.
Please continue.

[normal voice] "People's love for babies
is the pumping heart

of our television program.

We are not your competition.

We hope only to be your..."

[high-pitched voice] "Friends!"

Well, that changes everything.

[normal voice] "This is such a thrill.

We are all huge fans
of your Baby Corp work, BB."

I'm so flattered.

"Is it okay that I call you BB?"

BB my guest. [chuckles]

- [bleats]
- "Laughing! Laughing!"

"Ha, ha, ha, ha!"

We really must be going.
So many fan letters to answer.

- You know how it is.
- Of course.

But Mr. Pyg and Mr. Tam hope we can make
these get-togethers a regular event.

Sounds lovely!

CEO socializing makes the world go round.

- There's our guys!
- Hobnobbing with the big stars!

- Can we take a picture?
- Of course!

Everyone, gather round!

Say "Pyg and Tam!"

- [all] Pyg and Tam!
- [camera shutter clicks]

And you guys talked through your issues,
and nobody tried to assassinate anybody,

and now we're friends with TV stars!

I can't believe how great
everything worked out!

- Staci, prepare the field team for w*r.
- Finally!

Wait, what? w*r? Why?

Templeton, did you not hear
anything in there?

They just declared w*r,
and I accepted.

No, they didn't. And, no, you didn't!

You guys were all smiles
and decided to hang out and stuff.

[chuckles] CEO speak.

Executives never say what they mean.

"We're giving you a title promotion"
equals "You don't get a raise."

"Workforce imbalance correction"
equals mass firings.

"Let's make these get-togethers
a regular event" equals...

[grunting, choking]

[gasps] We can't let them do that!

And we won't.

This is what we train for, babies!

Light a fire in your guts

and let it burn till our enemies smolder
in the shame of surrender!

- Baby Corp is going to w*r!
- [cheering]

[Emiliano] I cannot sign off
on these w*r plans.

Sir, I assure you
they're strategically sound.

I'm sure they're very good.

It's the w*r itself I cannot approve.

Mr. Chairman, wh-why not?

Le lait de la maison.

Would monsieur care to open up
the flavor with a knock-knock?

Thank you, Dondre.

[crying]

Exquisite.

w*r is a nasty business, Boss Baby.

It's not for me to say "why not?"
but for you to prove "why should we?"

They... The blip! Baby love!

You saw the blip!

You want to go to w*r over a blip?

Do we even know
that Pyg and Tam caused it?

Well, not know-know,
but I just... know, you know?

They're planning something.

And if our love is attacked,
we will fight back and win.

But Baby Corp does not start wars.

The answer is no.

[groans]

Look how stressed this w*r talk makes you.

You haven't even touched
your puffy snacks.

Can I give you some advice?
Take up a hobby.

I make yarn puppets.

This one is me
and this one is my twin brother

Board Baby Hermano Menor!

"Hola, mi hermano."
"Hola, mi hermano."

"Let us do business together."

Clickety-clickety-click ka-ching!

Clickety-clickety-click ka-ching!

- [fabric tears]
- [all gasping, screaming]

And that's how you eviscerate a goat
with a toy block.

- [Boss Baby] Staci...
- I'm not saying we're gonna.

Emiliano says we can't make
the first strike.

[Staci groaning]

He thinks I'm stressed and overreacting,
suggested I take up a hobby.

What if your hobby
is ignoring suggestions?

So, you're not going to w*r?

Well...

Emiliano just said
we couldn't strike first,

so I'm thinking
I actually will take up a hobby.

Annoying Pyg and Tam
until they hit us first.

Then we can get away
with whatever we want.

- Ooh!
- [toy squeaks]

That's the most little-brother thing
you've ever said.

So glad we could
finally get together like this!

"We look forward to a pleasurable match
and a healthy exchange of ideas.

Kingfisher blue club."

Right away, Mr. Tam.

- What do you recommend?
- Putter.

Doi. It's minigolf.

I mean for Operation:
Drive These Two Yahoos to w*r.

Ah, yes.

May I recommend a "baby likes
the shiny golf ball" interruption?

Excellent choice.

Jimbo?

Ooh! [giggles]

[scoffs] Babies, am I right?

"Return the ball to me, infant."

[blows raspberry]

[grumbles]

- Watch out for Tam's club, innocent baby!
- [woman gasps]

- [whimpers]
- [bleats]

- Did you see that?
- [bleats]

Pyg just saved that kid
from a flying club!

They really do love babies!

[babies giggling]

Who do you like in the fifth race,
CEO friend?

- I'm thinking sea tortoise, but...
- "Mm, I like the narwhal."

You're missing the action,
other CEO friend!

What you got, real estate section? Fun!

I should warn you, we babies have
very short attention spans.

- Front page!
- [high-pitched voice] "Real estate!"

I hear ya. Gotta diversify investments.

- Local sports!
- "Real estate!"

[Jimbo] Garbage!

[laughing]

Look out, baby who did nothing wrong!

I think Pyg's about to...

Oh, wow.

He will just eat anything.

- [baby cooing, squeals]
- [growls, bleats]

This famous goat just saved my baby
from eating trash

that I saw a dirty baby dump out!

By the way, I love your show!

Sorry, Boss.

Don't worry, big guy.
Pyg and Tam will crack.

We just need to bring in
the really annoying babies.

- [music playing]
- [door opens]

See? Pyg and Tam love for us to visit.

We're VIPs!

Since you guys love babies so much,

I thought I'd bring a few along
for today's CEO hangout. [chuckles]

[babies giggling]

[woman] Come back here, Scooter!

[giggling]

- [bleats]
- [man] I am so sorry.

Get back here. Get back here!

Staci, get the teams ready.

w*r's a-comin'.

- [cooing]
- [Tam growls]

Who's got the squirmy, squamy squirmies
like a giggly gaggly wormy?

♪ Ah, wiggle, go wiggle ♪

♪ Can you giggle when you wiggle? ♪

[giggling]

♪ Then listen to me ♪

♪ When you wiggle like a wormy
Then you giggle 'cause you're squirmy ♪

♪ And you figure that the giggle
In the wiggles that you waggle ♪

♪ Make the squirmy wormy giggle
And you wiggle some more ♪

That's right!
Now everybody hug everybody!

Look how much they love babies,

even when the babies are naughty
and don't deserve it.

[growls, grumbles]

- Hey! That's my hat!
- [grunts]

I know we can beat them in open w*r
if Emiliano would just give us permission!

How do we annoy Pyg and Tam
into making the first strike?

You're gonna have to peel the fans off
with a spatula!

[gasps] Templeton, you genius!

What? No, I was just talking to myself
about how handsome I am in this hat.

Look how it hugs my head.

Templeton, you accidental genius!

All I have to do is peel those two away
from their gushing public,

set them free to be their awful selves.

Ooh, it's risky.

If it goes wrong,
my career is in the potty for sure.

But I know exactly where to hold
our next CEO get-together.

- [elevator dings]
- [all gasp]

Oh, my!

Sir, you brought
those bogus baby lovers here?

Why, yes, I did, Staci.

A place with no fans,
no reason to hold back,

and no filter between our new friends,

and an office full of loud,
bratty, stinking babies!

"We'll take it."

Excuse me?

Mr. Pyg and Mr. Tam would like
to purchase this location.

- What?
- You can't!

"Your office shall be
our new production hub.

It has it all: huge windows
with natural light!"

- [bleats]
- "Want!"

"A factory downstairs to churn out
merchandise and accessories."

- [head thuds]
- "Want!"

"Chupie transport technology!

The possibilities are endless!"

- [bleats]
- [high-pitched voice] "Bored!"

[whimpers]

[normal voice]
"Pyg is the real estate expert.

He knew straightaway
when Bug told us about this office.

But I needed to be convinced,
see the place for myself.

So, we figured
just annoy our enemy enough,

and he's bound to crack
and give us what we want."

What a great plan!

Ohhh-kay.

Well played,
but this office isn't for sale.

[snarls]

Mr. Tam and Mr. Pyg feel
that's not your decision to make,

so we will make
our very generous sales pitch

directly to your board, if you don't mind.

Sir, it's lose-lose.

If the board doesn't fire you
for bringing them here in the first place,

there's still a chance they say "yes"
and we're all out of a job!

- I'll take my chances.
- [all gasping]

Welcome.

I confess, I was surprised to hear you
were in our offices.

But in the spirit
of our mutual love of babies,

let us break bread
and speak of business together.

"The honor is ours."

This board will hear your purchase offer

and will give it
the full consideration it deserv... [gasps]

What the heck is that goat
doing to my mitten puppet?

[screams] Is that me in the goat's mouth?
Or you?

I can't tell us apart in puppet form!

- [bleats]
- "Hungry!"

[sighs]

Absolutely appalling.

I guess they felt free
to be their awful selves.

[snarls]

You come in here and disrespect
a creation of my hands and my heart.

So long as you own a fraction
of a sliver of the world's love,

make no mistake,

we are at w*r!

Outstanding call, sir.

w*r on, Staci!

Release the photos.

- "What photos?"
- [bleats]

- [high-pitched voice] "Confused."
- Staci took up a hobby, too.

Paparazzi photojournalism.

Good luck squirmy-wormy squiggling
your way out of this one.

w*r over.

[Marsha Krinkle] Pyg and Tam
have built an empire on loving babies,

but these photos depict anything but love.

Maria-Maria,
what do you have to say for these two?

What do you have to say?

I don't have to say anything.

- Exactly.
- Say what?

That's what I'm saying.

Look, Pyg and Tam never claimed
to be role models.

They never said they "love babies."

I believe the actual name of the show
is Pyg & Tam Love Babies.

Angie, can we check on that?

Yeah. Yeah.

It is the name of the show.

Are we about names now?

Pyg and Tam reject society's labels.

They're not
some wiggly-giggly playmate.

No, they're the original
bad boys of media.

I see a lifestyle brand.

And I don't know if people
are ready for Pyg and Tam,

but they are ready for Pyg and Tam.

Do you sell hats?

[snarling softly]

"Yes, but you can only wear them
backwards."

So cool.

Oh, come on!

Spun better
than a nuclear washing machine.

I'm sorry in advance,
but I am gonna buy one of those hats.

Tim, no!

It's okay, big guy.

Maybe it's not "w*r over" yet,
but we knocked 'em back a while.

It'll take Pyg and Tam
some time to rebrand.

And when they do come back,
we'll be ready.

Assuming I figure out how to finish off
this replacement yarn doll

so I don't get fired.

- Um, anybody know how to...
- [fabric tears]

- [Jimbo screams]
- [Boss Baby] Nope, there goes the head.

[theme music playing]

♪ Boss Baby ♪