03x03 - Ga Ba Goo Ba Ga (The Babblist)

[bunniefuu]

-[boy grunts]
-[phone dings]

Hold all my calls.

-[giggling]
-[lullaby plays]

♪ Boss Baby ♪

♪ I'm the Boss, Boss Baby, boss, boss
Boss Baby, boss, boss ♪

♪ Watch a itty-bitty kid get large ♪

♪ I'm the big Boss Baby in charge ♪

♪ Stroller rolling
Up and down the boulevard ♪

♪ I'm the big Boss Baby in charge ♪

♪ I run this house, I rule this crib ♪

♪ Change my diaper, son
Where's my bib? ♪

♪ Don't pacify
You just got to pay me ♪

-♪ Who's in charge? ♪
-♪ Me, the Boss Baby ♪

[shouting]

The Jonathan Pumpernickel
Junior Illusionist Magic Kit

with two-hour instructional video?

Uh... yes.

There are many prizes to earn
in this year's Do Good Troopers'

Magazine Sales-tacular!

[Tim screams] How many magazines
do I have to sell to get this?

[gasps] I can do that!

We split up, talk twice as fast,
we hit four times the houses.

Speed and volume!

Namashitas!

[doorbell rings]

Ever wanted to travel the world
from your own living room?

"That sounds impossible, Tim!"

But is it?

Magazines!

Oh, sorry. I just bought a subscription
from one of those twin girls.

Namashitas!

Hi, I'm Tim.

I'm wondering if you'd like
some magazine subscriptions.

Oh, one of those fast-talking twins
already got to me.

Namashitas!

Namashitas?

This hood is all magged up.

I'm not giving up, Namashitas.

I have a secret weapon,
a business weapon.

[whistles]

-[Scooter grunting]
-You got the fire, Buskie!

-Now will yourself to the next handle!
-[Scooter yelps]

[Scooter thuds, grunts]

Sticky Fingers, face-first dive!

[slide squeaking]

[Sticky Fingers grunting]

Reflexes, McIntosh!
Speed, agility!

-[Jarreau grunts, thuds]
-[monitor chimes]

-What's the good word, Jimbo?
-Nothing.

I just miss our "us" time.
What's up with you?

Just trying to whip
this playgroup into shape,

earn my way back to Baby Corp.

Any scuttlebutt on my inevitable return?

Nothing, but we do have a new CEO.

Her name is Rattleshake CEO Baby.

Wait, that baby from Sales?

They pulled her off the road
and plopped her into the big high chair?

She's driving everyone crazy!

-Look!
-[Rattleshake cackling]

-[all gasp]
-[cackling] Laugh with me!

-[cackling]
-[Peg] Aah!

-Yeah! Hear that rattle?
-[rattle rattling]

That's the rhythm of life
coming at you like a puma.

-You like pumas?
-I--

-Roar!
-[screams]

-[Rattleshake] Everybody likes pumas.
-[whispers] Help us.

Sorry, Big J, but the sooner I get
my field team into mission condition,

the sooner I'll be back
undermining terrible CEOs with you.

-Let's pencil in some face time.
-Yay! I'll bring the pencil!

I really, really need your help
to earn this magic kit.

Who's Jonathan Pumpernickel?

You've never heard
of the Wizard of Illusion?

One time, Pumpernickel turned a banana
into a cruise ship into a penny!

I'm gonna be just like him!

Hello. My name is Tim Templeton.

Backwards, it's spelled "magic"!

[squawks]

Yeah, I'd rather be a penny.

I just need your help selling magazines
to the neighbors.

Templeton, I wish you all the best
on your career path of sorcery,

but engaging me
would waste both of our time.

You have all the tools you need
for door-to-door sales--

you're enthusiastic and you draw breath.

But the Namashita twins
beat me to all the customers.

I'm sorry, but right now,
I have a team to mold.

Buskie, get your thumbs
out of Dakota's nostril!

-[babies babbling]
-Oh, my. No, no, no! Put them back in!

[Tim] Check the ledger.

We promised to help each other equally

once school started sucking up
all my time.

You said, "Keep a ledger."

Because ledgers don't lie.

And I am in the red... mm, deeply.

You've barely helped me at all.

Well played, Templeton.

You know how I hate accruing debt
with no revenue flow.

Fine. Walk with me.

The twins cornered the traditional market,

but as you can see,
the customers still exist.

You just need to figure out a new angle.

The right angle will open a new market.

Then, the Namashitas' customers
will be ready to buy again.

-From you.
-I knew you could help!

Timothy Templeton, Wizard of Illusion
will soon be real!

Whoa! How'd I get here?

[gasps] Wha--? Where--?

Oh-h*-h*! [laughs]

Find that sales angle!

I'll have my team brainstorm ideas
if it'll knock more time off that ledger.

[gasps] Oh, goody!

-The mommies and daddies are here!
-[grunts]

What happened
to you scratched-up dirtballs?

No offense, but look how clean
and injury-free my Baby Chubsies is.

Now, that's parenting.

Don't let her psych you out.

You're all superstars... in progress.

We'll pick it up tomorrow.

-After you help with my thing.
-Fine.

I need a magazine sales hook
for my brother.

No wrong answers.

[Sticky Fingers farts]

[babies giggling]

h*, boy.

Achtung, babies!

As a result of our
recent filth-based horseplay,

my mommy lady has arranged
a guest presentation

to make all your parents
as good as she is.

-Hooray!
-Hooray! This should be useless.

Oh, here's the squirts.

Wow, you make 'em cute in this town, eh?

What's in the water, "Adorablesium"?

[parents laugh]

Right, who's first?

Oh, how about you?

Hello there, princess.

My name is Happy Sedengry
and I'm a Bubbeezee-certified Babbilist.

[enunciating] Babbilists are people
who can talk to you babies!

-See how disengaged this baby is?
-[babbling]

Speak their language,
you draw them in faster.

[speaking gibberish]

[babbling]

She says she loves
her mum and pop very much.

-Oh!
-[laughter]

Mm, no.

She said, "Applesauce is yummy mud."

-[scoffs] This guy's a total fraud.
-[Happy] Who's next?

How about
this important-looking gentleman?

[Happy speaking gibberish]

I don't think he's interested.

His mom and I actually do
a pretty good job understanding him.

Right, guy?

[babbling]

Ooh. Yeah, nah.

It sounds cute, but he actually said,
"I hate you, Dad."

Sorry, it's true.

-Ah, here's a friendly-looking one!
-[babbling]

Says she wants to be a big, brave copper,
just like her old man.

No, you nincompoop!

She said, "I already stole your keys,
and the wallet comes next!"

[giggles]

Isn't he amazing?

By actually talking to babies,

he can tell us all the ways
you're screwing up as parents!

Just have me over for a consultation.

I'll get to know your little sunshine's
hopes and dreams,

and I'll pass that info on to you.

Oh, hello, here's a sign-up sheet!

-Oh, that sounds wonderful!
-Sign me up for that!

-Give me that pen!
-[scoffs] A man who can talk to babies.

Who'd believe that?

[babbles]

-[doorbell rings]
-You sure this is the right sales angle?

Parents will believe anything
when it comes to their babies.

But unlike that fraud Happy Sedengry,

you'll be telling the truth
because you have me.

Now smile, Templeton.

Ninety-seven percent of sales
is showmanship.

[door opens]

Allow me to reintroduce myself.

I'm Tim Templeton,
and this is my baby brother.

[babbles]

Again, I already bought a magazine
subscription from the Namashitas.

But did you buy any magazines
for your baby?

[both babbling]

My brother and I have
an awesome friendship.

I just get babies, you know?

The kid's a wacko for boats.

Let's try Expensive Boats Weekly.

[cooing, babbling]

[laughs] Wow!

But I still don't see
what he's gonna do with a magazine.

Spend hours with it... [whispers] quietly.

I'd like a two-year subscription.

[babbling]

Mm-hmm.

[toy squeaks]

She's into balloons.

Dirigible Enthusiast!

[babbling]

Hotcakes Aficionado!

[babbling]

-[Tim] Poodle Week... and Prison Kitties!
-[squealing]

[giggles]

Three-year subscriptions for each!

I'm totally on pace to get
the Jonathan Pumpernickel Magic Kit!

All this and a clean favor ledger.

Here's to Babbilism.

[speaking gibberish]

-That wasn't a swear, was it?
-Uh...

let's just say it'd get you arrested
in all but one Canadian province.

-[gasps]
-Come on, outlaw.

We'll pick it back up tomorrow
after playgroup.

Who's ready to be whipped
into mission shape?

What?

-[grunts]
-Uh...

No one else is coming?

- Not even Mega Fat?
-[babbles]

That is not insulting you.
I'm just saying we need the whole team!

Just cover for me.

I wanna find out what's going on.

[slurping]

-Mega Fat!
-Aah!

Oh! You scared the living
nutritional shake out of me.

Why are you home?
Are you sick?

Never, ever been healthier.

Also, never, ever attending
playgroup again.

Happy Babbilized me and he said that
I said the playgroup was holding me back.

What?

-But you didn't say that, did you?
-No, but, duh and doy, he's certified.

Best wishes on your journey,

but my number-one baby job
is to make my mommy lady happy.

So, buh-bye, bad-influence baby!

Oh!

Wha--? Where's Dakota?

[Happy] Yeah, but can you really
put a price on your baby's happiness?

But-- But she was rock-solid!

And Scooter Buskie?

How does a faker like Sedengry
get him to go along?

I need answers!

Insightful. Thank you.

Why, I've Babbilized babies
from Biloxi to Bora Bora.

He's coming back.
You're going to get Babbilized.

No matter what he says,
you must resist. Got me?

[Mayor chuckles]
There's my precious bundle of joy.

I hear you're a quiet one, eh?

[speaking gibberish]

Stay strong, silent sister.

-[babbling]
-[gasps] My baby's making noises!

Sweet yams! He's a miracle worker!

No. No! It's just a parlor trick.

Has to be, right?

Well, there it is.

She says she's very quiet
because she hates playgroup.

Let me give you my prices.

[door opens]

-[door closes]
-Oh, great! Ready to sell?

Eyes on the Pumpernickel prize!

About that, got a bit of a situation.

Happy Sedengry is trying
to tear apart my playgroup.

-Why would he do that?
-Greed, Templeton.

Isolate parents from one another,
Happy becomes the lone advisor,

makes a crib-full of cash.

[groans]

[Gina laughs] Yeah!

[Tina] Sorry, we got carried away

with all the fun prizes we won
through our efficient salesmanship.

Namashitas!

-Don't let them rattle you.
-I'm not angry, I'm fired up-gry!

That's the spirit!

You should do fine on your own tonight.

Hold on one second!

You still have a lot of ledger time
to make up.

And I will make it up, just not today.

I know the "why," but how that Babbilist
gets babies to respond...

that's the mystery.

One that can only be solved
by inviting the devil into our home.

You're gonna let yourself be Babbilized?

I thought Mom and Dad
are too smart for that scam.

They are, which is why
I'll be occupied the rest of the day.

I have to go full naughty baby.

Mommy and Daddy will have no choice
but to call for help from that Babbilist.

I can't sell magazines
without a baby to translate for me.

Sorry, I'm closed for business.

Time for some face time!

Sorry, Jimbo. I'm no longer-- Ooh!

Two birds, meet stone.

Jimbo will help you sell magazines.

Tim will keep you company
like in the old days.

And me?

I've got an appointment with getting
an appointment with the Babbilist.

Tantrum! Tantrum! Tantrum! Tantrum!

[crying]

[Mom] Ted, what's wrong with the baby?

[babies giggling]

My cousin and I have
such an awesome friendship.

I just get babies, you know?

I can figure out
what magazine he'd appreciate.

[babies continue giggling]

What does he like?

I don't know,
but he sure likes being tickled!

What am I supposed to do with that?

Um, since your guy enjoys, uh...

giggling so much, he'd love...

-Modern Falconry?
-No, wait, he's...

-[screaming, crying]
-...really afraid of birds.

-[crying continues]
-[door slams]

[door opens]

[door closes]

[crying]

[Dad whimpering]

-[blows raspberry]
-Oh, come on, you haven't eaten all day!

It's the mashed beet-mobile!
Vroom-vroom, vroom!

-[spoon clatters]
-[crying]

Pudding! All aboard
the Puddinooga Choo-Choo.

Chugga, chugga, choo-choo!

Uh...

-[giggling]
-At least you stopped crying.

[wailing]

Honey, where did we put the number
of the guy who talks to babies?

[crying stops]

[Boss Baby crying]

Make it quick, Templeton.
I can't let them think I've been tamed.

Tomorrow's my last day to sell magazines!

If you don't help me,
forget the magic kit.

I'll be lucky to earn...
"math-themed binders"

or "soil collector set"?

-No luck with Jimbo?
-No one helps me like you do.

That's the whole reason
we started the ledger you just ignore.

You know my stakes here.

That playgroup Happy's destroying
is the only way I get my job back.

My mission is just more... important?

You think your dumb business baby garbage
is more important than fun kid stuff?

I feel like the honest answer
is the wrong one here.

-Are they calling that baby talker?
-Yes.

Good! I hope he tells Mom and Dad
that you need to start acting

like a regular baby brother
and less like a dumb adult!

[doorbell rings]

[crying]

Come on, guy.

The Babbilist is here.

[Boss Baby continues crying]

There's that stylish fella.

-Oh, thank you for coming so quickly.
-No worries.

Good news about babies: there's always
a simple reason they're unhappy.

Let's suss things out, eh?

[speaking gibberish]

[wailing]

Oh, that's what I thought.
It's that playgroup.

Every baby in there goes on and on
about how much they hate it.

Are you sure?

He seems so happy
with his little friends.

I'm gonna ask him how he'd feel
if you pulled him from the playgroup.

[speaking gibberish]

[giggling, gasps]

Mm. Yeah, he'd like that quite a bit.

But they always look
like they're having fun.

Wanna tell us how you really feel
about the playgroup, fella?

[speaking gibberish]

[wailing, gasps]

[speaking gibberish]

-[Boss Baby crying]
-[gibberish continues]

[gasps]

[Boss Baby grunts]

Yeah, playgroup's scarred him pretty bad.
But no worries.

Pull him out,
take a few sessions with me,

he'll be good as new.

Now, if you like, I can offer you a bundle
of ten sessions at a generous discount.

That's kind of a big commitment.

Hmm, is it?

Suit yourselves.

But I am going on Marsha Krinkle's
chat show tomorrow,

and, fair warning, once I'm on Channel 8,
you know, I'll be very famous.

Demand will be skyrocketing!

[laughs] I'll be Babbilizing
every baby in town!

[yelps]

He says he hopes you act soon
to lock in these low rates.

-Toodle-oo!
-[door opens, closes]

Mommy and Daddy need to go talk
about family finances.

Um... [speaking gibberish]

Leave it to the professionals, Ted.

-[grunts]
-Why are you smiling?

Are you amused he made a huge fool of me?

I know how he made a huge fool of you.

It's the rings! On his fingers!

They're Jonathan Pumpernickel rings
from the kit!

-How do they work?
-I'll show you...

when we crash Marsha's show
and expose him as a fraud on live TV!

You'd do that for me... still?

You can owe me.
We'll keep track in a ledger or something.

What's the plan?

Jonathan Pumpernickel says
a great magician sells a trick.

And what's 97 percent of sales?

[both] Showmanship!

[man muttering]

[mellow music plays]

Welcome back!

I'm so excited about today's guest.

Happy Sedengry is a... Babbilist?

What's it mean?

It means I can talk to babies.

-I'm certified by Bubbeezee.
-Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Talk to babies?

I think this guy's off his rocker!
[laughs]

-May I demonstrate?
-Of course!

As you all know,
I have adopted a wonderful baby

and I just happen to have him here.

-Let's see what this guy has to say.
-[doors burst open]

I hear you're interviewing
Babbilists today.

Well, I'm the best one in town.

-Uh, what is this?
-I'll tell you what this is.

Great television falling into my lap.

Come on in, have a seat.

Tell all the people your name.

They call me
Tim "Razz-matazzle-dazzle" Templeton.

This is my baby brother, who will
demonstrate the ancient art of babbling.

-It's "Babbilizing," actually.
-Not the way I do it.

Oh! We have got ourselves
a good old-fashioned babble-off!

Yeah!

I'm going to ask him
how much he likes his mum.

[speaking gibberish]

[babbling]

He says she's an excellent mother.

That's amazing... and true!

I will now tell him
that I'm holding up three fingers.

[speaking gibberish]

[clapping]

He understood! Wowee!

Not a lot of people know this,
but babies love jokes.

Watch the ring.
He's gonna use it to make him laugh.

[speaking gibberish]

[giggling]

-[speaking gibberish]
-[babbling]

A turtle!

It is a turtle!

Incredible!

Aw, that's not incredible,
that's his brother!

Come on, I'd like to see him try
on a baby he's not related to, eh?

An excellent suggestion!

Are there any other babies
in the audience?

[scoffs] What--?
Why would there be other babies?

-There's not even an audience.
-[babies babbling]

[Marsha] No idea how these babies
got into the studio,

but, hey, that's the magic of television!

-Looks like they want uppies.
-All right. Look, listen.

I'll give you uppies
when it's your turn to get Babbilized.

Hmm... would you babies really like
a Babbilizing from Happy Sedengry?

-[speaking gibberish]
-[babies screaming]

How did you do that?!

[groans] Uh... all right,
well, here's something.

True Bubbeezee-certified Babbilizing
even leads to healthy lifestyles!

Watch me convince this baby not to eat
a delicious but nutritionally-void cookie!

-[speaking gibberish]
-[babbling]

Where's my--?

Has anyone seen two rings?

Very unremarkable,
nothing special about them.

Just-- Just rings, basic rings.

[sniffs] Smells like a beautiful day
to bust a fraud.

I have something for you.

-Um, thanks?
-Just open it.

It's a bunch of times and addresses.

Sales appointments.
It's your last day, right?

So, last night, I made some calls,
set up some sit-downs...

for you and me.

This is a ton!

First appointment's right after
we're done here, so let's finish this.

Did you tell my baby to eat
that death disc of sugar and fat?

No! I-I--

-Funny you lost your ring, huh?
-No... [stammers] they're, uh, heirlooms.

Uh, so, it's quite--
it's quite serious, actually.

If it's so serious,
then why are you laughing?

I'm not lau-- [laughing]

Did I just make you laugh
against your own will?

That must make you very angry.

Me? [laughs] Never.

[screams]

Aah! Give me back my rings,
you little snot!

Holy cannoli!
He flipped out like a cranky toddler!

Did you just Babbilize a grown-up?

No...

because there is no such thing
as Babbilizing.

-[gasps]
-Ooh!

You want to know how Happy does it?

They're called "hypno-rings,"
for hypnosis tricks.

You can get them anywhere they sell

the Jonathan Pumpernickel
Junior Illusionist's Magic Kit.

[laughing]

Oh, th-this is nonsense!

[Tim] Ring one is a tickle ring.

It contains a tiny hidden feather.

Rub it against someone,
they can't help but giggle.

Ring two: a shock buzzer.

-[ring buzzes]
-[Happy screams] Give me back my rings!

That's how he gets
the reaction he wants out of babies.

You're telling me and our entire audience

that there's no actual secret power
for talking to babies?

That is correct!

So, anyone who claims to know
what babies want is an absolute fraud?

Uh, I mean, except for me,

if I come to your house,
after the Namashita twins,

to sell you magazines

and I say I know what magazines
your baby wants

because that's totally different?

-Dang it!
-Wow, two frauds exposed in one day!

Join us tomorrow when I freak you out

about all the secrets your garbageman
knows about you.

[news jingle plays]

-[whistles]
-[Scooter grunting]

-[slide squeaking]
-[Sticky Fingers giggles]

[Jarreau yelps]

-What is this?
-Improvement.

Boy, our grown-ups sure were dum-dummies
to believe in that Babbilist, right?

-Yes, the grown-ups were dumb.
-But hooray for joyous endings!

Bubbeezee apologized
for certifying that charlatan

-and gave us all free products!
-Eh? Eh?

I got safety zips and socket plugs!

Doing the right thing
and getting product into homes.

-Smart business.
-[Tim] Scoot over.

I need some sand
for my daily soil collection.

Oh, put that poor man's prize away.

I can't stand to see you like this.

-[gasps] How did you get this?
-I bought it... with money.

It only retails for 15 bucks,

which is nuts because you did a grand
in sales for that magazine company.

Consider it a down payment
for the time I still owe you.

Here's what I think of brothers
keeping track of favors.

Pumpernickel, rye!

Ledger... bye-bye!

Wizardry! How-How did you--?

-A true magician never reveals--
-[Mrs. Buskie] Scooter, no!

[babies shouting]

Look at my field team go.

Baby Corp, here I come.

♪ Boss Baby ♪