01x09 - Friends for a Minute

[bunniefuu]

(hip-hop music plays)

PARIS: They say blood
is thicker than water.

And it's true.

Family's everything.

And my Saturdays fam rolls deep.

You have my big bro, London,

and his brother from another,
Derek,

spinning beats on the grill.

Oh, my boy's cooking!
He's cooking!

(chuckles) Yes, sir.

PARIS: Then there's everybody's
big Auntie Duchess

making sure
folks aren't acting up.

You've read the signs.
"Don't drink and skate."

It's bad for your health.

PARIS: We even have that
tea-spilling uncle in Mr. Perry,

who always has a story to tell.

MR. PERRY: Your girl Duchess?

Actually from another planet.

Keep that to yourselves.

Snitches get stitches.

Thanks, Ari.

What the...?

Ivan, you're cute,
but you ain't right.

And, unfortunately,
like in every family,

we have that annoying
little cousin in Ivan.

Luckily, I bought two.

Your girl stays prepared.
(laughs)

-Thanks again.
-Uh...

My dog.

My dog's gone, y'all.

(upbeat music playing)

♪ Everybody out the way
It's Saturday ♪

♪ All we do is celebrate ♪

♪ Long as I got fun, family
And friends ♪

♪ I got everything that I need ♪

♪ Everybody out the way
It's Saturday ♪

♪ We ain't got no time
To waste ♪

♪ No work, all play
No stress ♪

♪ We got everything
That we need ♪

♪ 'Cause there ain't
No other day like Saturday ♪

♪ I'm like a fantasy ♪

♪ You can't get rid of me... ♪

Okay, I don't know
what Ivan's infatuation

with my hot dog is all about,
but it needs to stop.

For real. I mean, his antics
are becoming a bit annoying,

but it's cute annoying.

Hey, who's that out there?

(funky music playing)

Girl, I don't know, but they got
that Chi-Town glide on lock.

(funky music continues)

-Hey.
-Hey, what's up?

Me and my girls were just
watching you and your friends,

and you guys are really good.

Oh, thank you.
I'm Jesse Jess Cool J.

No relation to LL Cool J.
I have more hair.

-(both chuckle)
-And the girls are my crew.

-Jesse's Angels.
-Oh.

So where do you guys
usually skate at?

Oh, we skate all over.

But I heard
the legendary Saturdays

was the littest rink in the Chi,
so here I am.

Yeah, it's the best.

What's up with the dude
with the curly perm

in the VIP section?

He's been eyeballing me all day.

Oh, that's Ivan,
the hot dog-napper.

I so hope he gets indigestion.

Okay, so, what's his story?

I'm happy you asked.

Ivan was always too smart
for his own good.

At nine, he was accepted
to the world-famous

Institute of Brilliant
But Peculiar Children.

Sadly, his peers found him
more peculiar than brilliant.

(kids groaning)

So Ivan exiled himself to a corner,

where he would only read the dictionary.

Once memorized, Ivan found another book
to quell his curiosity.

The book of Mean Jokes
and Other Witty Insults.

He loved it. So he changed
that ratty little corner

into his VIP section,

where he used it as his stand-up stage

to diss all the kids
that didn't want to be his friend

because he liked to eat paste.

Now he keeps everyone in line
with his jokes and brilliant insults.

Okay. So, basically, he's a little brat.

Pretty much. But a fine one.

We don't trip on him too hard.
Ivan is who he is.

Sometimes we wish he'd just go away,
but that's never happening.

Yeah, I hear you.

Anyways, I gotta roll.
See you all on the rink?

-Yeah.
-Yeah. Totally.

-Bye.
-JESSE: Bye.

He seemed pretty cool.

Yeah, yeah, whatever.
All I want to know is,

who's gonna loan me five bucks
so I can get me another hot dog?

Wait, make that 10. I may want fries.

Look, all I'm saying is,
you don't follow a pop track

after an R&B track, ever.

It changes the whole vibe
of the rink.

And I'm saying it doesn't matter
what follows what

as long as the BPMs
are about the same.

I mean, who cares if you play
an Ariana Grande song

after a Jazmine Sullivan?

What? "Who cares?"
What do you mean, "who cares?"

Okay, I'll tell you who cares. Uh...

Derek. Derek cares. Right, Derek?

-Derek!
-(snorts)

What?

Ariana Grande or Jazmine Sullivan.

-Who follows who?
-I don't know.

But I'll follow both of them anywhere.

-Point made. All right.
-That's not what I meant. No, you...

-What up, fellas?
-Yo! Miles! What's up, man?

-How you doing, baby?
-How you doing, eh?

What are you doing here
on a Saturday is the question.

Shouldn't you be at football practice?

He's here for me.
Miles, you ready to go catch that movie?

-Yeah, let's do it.
-Hold up. Hey! Oh, wait a minute!

Pause. What's going on here?
Are y'all dating?

-We're talking.
-We're talking.

-Oh.
-Oh.

-Talking.
-Talking.

-Is there an issue?
-No. No issue.

(laughs) It's all good. Yeah.

I just know Miles here knows that
a certain somebody prefers pop over R&B.

-So do I.
-(Madison giggles)

Ha. Told you. Bye, boys.

Cute couple.

They have romantic comedy
written all over them.

(dance music playing)

(indistinct chatter)

Yo, Ivan.

I need a word, my dude.

Yeah, she needs a word and some money
for those dogs you snatched, partner.

Yeah, and I just need some alone time.

I mean, you know, after you pay
her back for your dogs, man.

Oh, We-B-Begging Crew.

Must you always approach me
with such trivial matters?

Look, you want a word with Ivan?

Fine. Here's the word.

Go away. (laughs)

And that's two words. I was counting.

Why don't you stop being such a jerk?

I'm sorry? What's that, new kid?

You heard me. Or is being a doofus
just part of your DNA?

"Or is being a doofus
part of your DNA?"

Yo, don't copy me.
I don't like when people copy me.

Listen, I've seen you skate, okay?

The last thing anyone here
wants to do is copy you.

Those are battle words.

Let's take it up on the rink, Ivan.

Well, let's do it, new kid.

Iris, I'm stuck.

If you mean stuck on being a clown,
true, I would agree.

(all laugh)

I'm literally stuck in this chair.

-Iris, a little help.
-Come on, Ivan. Get up.

Oh, don't be scared.
Come on, let's roll to the floor

so I can expose to your Saturday fans
who you really are.

-(fabric rips)
-(spectators groan)

(laughter)

A lover of pandas.

-(laughter continues)
-IVAN: No, no, no.

Stop laughing. Mama!

And who said wishes don't come true?
(laughs)

Thanks to a little superglue.

You're welcome.

-LONDON: Oh, good morning, people.
-Hey.

PARIS: No, great morning.

I'm glad it's great for somebody.
What's going on?

Ivan the Obnoxious finally
got booted from Saturdays,

making my day amazing.

And Madison's finally boo'd up,

so Derek and I got the booth to ourselves
all day today, you hear me?

Oh! If you all don't be quiet.

For the Love of Darren is on,

and there is much subtle shade
to be had, all right?

Now, your mama, I needs to concentrate.

Anyway, I'm going to enjoy
my first Ivan-less day at Saturdays.

All right, and I'm about to enjoy
my Madison-finally-out-of-my-mix day.

Brother's so happy that I just might DJ
with the shoes off.

(chuckles)

Baby, can we please leave now?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
as soon as I find out

if Darren is truly in love with Shanida.

Okay, listen, I don't care about no Darren
or who he is loving on,

especially if he ain't gonna
help deliver these boxes.

-Whatever.
-Now can we please skedaddle?

Wait a minute.

Did the weave just get snatched?

Mm-hmm. Yup, yup!

And it's about time.
Cynthia had it coming!

Look, if you look up the word
"ratchet" in the dictionary,

you'll see a picture of her
and her mama, okay?

Now her mama, mm,
she a whole other bag of tricks.

This show is messier than
a five-year-old in cake batter.

-Give me some of that.
-Oh.

Okay. I see somebody
getting comfortable.

What happened to
those deliveries, Mr. Price-Co?

-Oh, they can wait a couple more minutes.
-Mm-hmm.

Oh, did she just put her hand
in her face?

-Uh-huh.
-Oh, see,

the nails are gonna be popping off.

Oh, they're gonna be popping off.

-It's about to go down.
-Oh, yeah!

(laughter)

Smell that, ladies?

-Smell what?
-It's the smell

of the Ivan-free Saturdays.

-(Ari snickers)
-I kind of like it.

It's so... (sighs)

...refreshing.

It ain't that refreshing.

You know, I kind of miss
Ivan's aroma of arrogance

with a dash of disdain for others.

Peculiar, but likable.

Are you serious?

Yes, Ari, I'm very serious.
Ivan smells good.

I don't care what Ivan smells like.
I'm talking about the sign.

PARIS: "Reserved for Jesse"?

Mr. Perry, why are all these lockers
reserved for Jesse?

Because he paid for them to be.

Well, his father did.

Family got them deep pockets,
from what I hear.

I'm told they buy that boy
just about anything he wants.

Okay, so how do we get a locker now?

You ask Jesse. I believe
he's charging everyone five bucks.

ALL: Five bucks?

That's stupid.

I'm not paying five bucks for a locker.

For real.
Next, we'll be having to pay

five bucks to play a video game.

And I thought I was the one
with psychic abilities.

If my dollar dogs go up in price,

Jesse is gonna catch these wings.

(chuckling)

It's official, Jesse is about
to catch these wings.

Okay, so that's his hustle.

Jesse just has his father
buy him everything,

and then up-charges everyone
to use it.

You know, I bet the other
skating rinks he skated at

caught on to what he was doing
and kicked him out.

Mm.

That's probably why he's skating
over here now.

Diabolical.

I say we pay old Mr. Jesse Jess a visit.

Right after I get me
one of them $10 hot dogs.

Sorry, girls,
I think I may have a problem.

LONDON: No, you owe me
gas money for this one.

It feels like I'm driving you home
to get your phone every other week.

(indistinct chatter)

Is that Miles?

Yeah, that's Miles, all right.

But that's definitely not Madison.

Maybe it's his cousin or something.

(indistinct chatter)

That definitely was not his cousin.

(sighs) If it was, that's the wrong type
of cousins.

Cousins shouldn't get down
like that.

Bottom line is, Miles is our boy.

And Madison is...

Madison.

Should I tell her what Miles did or not?

Well, why wouldn't you tell her?

I mean, that's her boyfriend, right?

BOTH: They're talking.

Ah, talking.

The proverbial gray area of dating.

Ain't no gray. Only black and white.

Tell Madison and kick that
two-timing Miles to the curb.

-Cal, two-minute warning to Darren.
-I'm on it.

Wait, y'all are watching
For the Love of Darren too?

-Oh, yes.
-That's my show!

BOTH: Ooh!

DEREK: Shanida's a hot mess, ain't she?

A mess! Oh, my!

She is the worst, ain't she?

Oh, hey, hey, hey! Hello?

I still have a real-life dilemma going on.

Real problems are happening here.

Do you mind helping
a brother out, please?

Would you... Sit down.

London, this whole Madison
and Miles situation

is like when Shanida was into Craig.

Then Leslie saw Craig kiss Toni,
but Leslie didn't tell Shanida.

So when Shanida found out,
she didn't get mad at Craig.

She blew up on Leslie.

-She sure did.
-Mm-hmm. She did, she did.

And it resulted in a table flip
and a drink in the face.

DEB: And it was not pretty.

London, you have got to tell Madison.

Son, you cannot be a Leslie.

CAL: That's a good point,
that's a good point.

Well, good talk, son.
It's Darren time.

-There was no talk. Wait...
-Gotta go.

LONDON: We didn't fix anything.
I'm still...

I'm gonna get in on this.
(chuckles)

Oh, I can't wait to see what Sarah C. says
about Toni's procedure.

Oh, procedure?
You think she had some work done?

Oh, Cal, that girl is as plastic
as a baby doll.

CAL: Ooh.

-Candy?
-I got some.

This is a reality show right here.

Angels, excuse us,
but we need to talk to Charlie.

-She means Jesse.
-Uh, Charlie, Jesse.

The rock head that ousted my Ivan.

JESSE: Angels, fly.

ARI: Da, da, da.

How can I help you three?

Oh, but be quick about it,
because as you can see,

time is money.

Okay, listen here, trust fund baby.

We're not gonna let you ruin
our rink without a fight.

We're onto your little money game.

Game? (scoffs) I play no games.

Saturdays is my new cash cow,
and I'm gonna milk it till it's dry.

See what Duchess has to say
about all of this.

Oh, you mean when she gets back
from Hawaii?

Because that's where I sent her.

She says aloha. (chuckles)

Face it, girls,
King Jesse Jess is here to stay.

"Jesse Jess is here to stay."
Whatever.

-Don't mock me.
-"Don't mock me."

I don't like when people copy me.

Yeah, well, we also don't like

when you overcharge us for everything.

Or what you did to Ivan.

You and your plastic crown
needs to bounce.

Oh, I need to bounce?

Oh, so you're telling Jesse Jess Cool J
that he needs to bounce?

Okay.

Well, I'm a gentleman,
so, uh, ladies first.

(all yelp)

(Jesse chuckling)

Oh, wow, I guess the We-B-Girlz
are now We-B-Gone.

(all laughing)

Wow, them Angels are kind of strong.

This never would've happened
if Ivan was here.

IRIS: Tell me about it.

Iris? They got you too?

Yup. Apparently, you have to pay

to take selfies now
if Jesse's not in them.

-(Ari groans)
-PARIS: You know what?

I never thought I'd say this,
but we might need Ivan back.

Hello? I've only been saying
that for, like, weeks.

Ivan is the glue
that holds this rink together.

Okay, now, I didn't say all that.

Now, where's my beautiful bundle of curls?

(soothing sitar music playing)

Inhale joy.

(sighs)

Exhale love.

PARIS: Mm.

This may be harder than we thought.

Even with a man bun, he is still fine.

(contented sigh)

(relaxing music playing)

What are you girls doing here?

Believe it or not,
we came here to talk to you

about coming back to the rink.

To Saturdays.

Okay, talk to your boy, Simone.
I think his man bun may be too tight.

Ivan, Jesse is totally out of control.
He's 10 times worse than you were.

He's arrogant, obnoxious.

He's charging us for lockers
and games and whatnot.

What? He's charging you for that?

-Mm-hmm.
-Man, why didn't I think of that?

Ivan, bottom line is, Jesse got to go.

And we need your chiseled cheekbones
and physique to help us do it.

We're begging you, bruh,

and I only beg when food is involved.

Them $10 hot dogs
are k*lling my piggy bank.

Come on now, Ivan.

Jesse's pretty diabolical,

but we're gonna need a mind
just as diabolical as his

-to get rid of him.
-And that's you, dawg.

And at the end of the day,

through good and bad,
we're all still family.

Family?

Since when does family laugh
someone out of the building

over their choice of underwear?

Ivan, I didn't laugh.
I thought the pandas were cute.

Well, that's not family to me.

Y'all thought Jesse was cool,
so, now, you get to chill with him.

Deal with it.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I have a White Crane lunge to perfect.

Oh, and Grace, the instructor over there,

does not like people crashing her classes.

(yells)

She learned that one in the Marines.

(chuckles)

PARIS: No, no, no, no, no.

(panicked chatter)

(dance music playing)

Yo, Miles. What's up, man?
(chuckles)

-What's going on?
-How you doing, man?

Oh, you know, just waiting
on Madison to go hang.

-Hmm.
-Where's your sidekick, Derek?

One, he's not my sidekick, he's my boy.

And two, he's chilling
with my parents today.

They're locked in for that

For the Love of Darren
marathon going on.

Yo! My mom loves that show.

That Shanida's a trip, right?

-(laughs)
-Yeah, she's a trip, all right.

But, uh, listen,

I saw you in the parking lot last week.

You were kissing on a girl.
And it wasn't Madison.

Oh, you mean Parker?

Yeah, we were just messing around.

Hey, you know how it goes.

Yeah, I know how it goes.

But does Madison?

Nah. And why should she?
That would just upset her.

Look, I... I like Madison.

(scoffs) Well, if you like her,
then you should tell her.

Tell me what?

Uh...

London was just giving me
relationship advice.

I think he disapproves of us talking.

Huh. Well, good thing
we don't need London's approval.

-Ready to go?
-Yeah.

And I thought Darren had problems.

(dance music playing)

I guess Jesse was right.

-He's really here to stay.
-Unfortunately.

That guy is harder to get rid of
than an ingrown toenail.

I just can't get over
that Ivan's never coming back.

I guess those curls are gone forever.

I wouldn't say forever.

ALL: Ivan?

I knew you'd never leave me.

I never doubted you. Not once.

And your ears look so much
smaller out of that man bun.

Okay, look, no need for all of the hoopla.

I was always coming back.

I just needed to recharge my battery.
You know, get focused again.

That Grace threatened to beat you up, huh?

Yes. Obviously, she does not like it
when you're late on a payment.

(chuckles)

So, are you gonna help us
get rid of Jesse or what?

Oh, I am. And I know
just how we're going to do it.

My man's got a plan!

I mean, what you got?

Hey, London.

What's up?

Working on a new mix?

No, just sorting some stuff out.

Oh, and, uh, you were right.

I played some Dua Lipa
after some Mary J. Blige,

and the rink had the same vibe.

So, pop, R&B,
it didn't make a difference.

I guess I just wanted
to give you a hard time.

-My bad.
-Well, I give you a hard time

for no reason all the time.

Mm.

Even like today
when you tried to get Miles

to tell me about him and Parker.

Oh.

So you know about that?

Yeah, I do.

And so does Parker.

And so does Parker's
five older brothers. (chuckles)

I think Miles picked
the wrong baby sis to cheat on.

-I know that's right.
-(both chuckling)

Thanks for looking out.

Anytime.

Ooh, a staring contest.
Can I get in?

Derek, how did you get here?

Your pops.

We finished the
For the Love of Darren marathon.

Darren didn't find love,

but he did find the windows
of his car busted.

Evidently, Shanida breaks hearts
and windows.

Yo, why you got your shoes off?

It's unsanitary.

You got a hole in your sock.

Come on, man. (clears throat)

(dance music playing)

♪ Are you ready? ♪

♪ Uh-huh... ♪

Oh, you're back.

ALL: "Oh, you're back."

-What?
-ALL: "What?"

Oh, I see. You're copying me.

ALL: "Oh, I see. You're copying me."

Okay, I'll give you something to copy.

ALL: "I'll give you something to copy."

-Well, let's go, then!
-ALL: "Well, let's go, then!"

-(grunts)
-♪ Presto ♪

♪ Bro, bro ♪

♪ Bro ♪

-♪ Presto ♪
-♪ Bro, bro ♪

♪ Bro ♪

♪ Bro, bro ♪

♪ God always on me
Everybody talkin' whoa ♪

♪ 'Cause everything I do
I got 'em saying "whoa" ♪

♪ Look over here, I got it all
A one-man show ♪

♪ 'Cause that's just
How I do it ♪

♪ Ta-da, presto ♪

♪ Taking it up
Spin it around ♪

♪ Dropping it low ♪

♪ Ou la la, ou la
Ta-da, presto ♪

♪ Here's what I got
Ready or not, here I go ♪

♪ Watch me how I do it now ♪

♪ Presto ♪

-♪ Bro ♪
-♪ That's how I do it ♪

-♪ Presto ♪
-♪ Bro ♪

-♪ Bro ♪
-♪ Check it out now ♪

♪ Presto ♪

♪ Abracadabra
Watch me how I do it, whoa ♪

♪ I make it look so easy
Just like that, presto ♪

♪ Abracadabra
Watch me how I do it, whoa ♪

♪ Just press here
And see me now and say hello ♪

(spectators cheer)

-♪ Bro ♪
-♪ Check it out now ♪

♪ Presto ♪

-Give me that.
-What...?

-I'm back.
-Mm-hmm. Yes, you are.

Okay, y'all got me. You got me.

But y'all know this ain't over, right?

Oh, we know. We know.

And in the spirit of sportsmanship,
how about I lend you a hand?

It's the least you can do.

Whoa!

ARI: Yeah.

I told you, you were gonna
catch these wings.

Mm-hmm. Like I said before,
my Saturdays fam rolls deep.

Plus, Ivan's back.

Well, uh, well, no, not really.

My We-B-Homely friend of mine,
I'm leaving.

(chuckles) You got to get home
before the streetlights turn on, huh?

(all chuckle)

That's funny.

But, uh, no.

My family's moving to Canada.

And we leave next week.

No!

What about the years of flirtatious,

unrequited love gestures
that I just floated your way?

Don't worry.

Look, I'll come back for you, okay?

To continue the tradition.

But until then...

(sighs)

...keep this warm for me.

-(gasps softly)
-Bye, Simone.

Bye,

We-B-Friends.

I'm never washing this cheek
ever again.

Okay, that'll be gross.

(hip-hop music playing)

♪ Who coming to the barbecue
Promise it gonna be a moo' ♪

♪ Holla if you rollin' through
Like I... ♪

♪ Bring the homey
Bring the boo ♪

♪ You can bring your mama too ♪

♪ Oh, that is how we do
Oh, oh ♪

♪ Monday through Friday
Got us like "meh" ♪

♪ Everybody out the way
It's Saturday ♪

♪ All we do is celebrate ♪

♪ We got everything
That we need ♪

♪ 'Cause there ain't
No other day ♪

♪ Like Saturday ♪