02x13 - North of the Border

[bunniefuu]

Hold all my-- Whoa!

[laughing]

♪ Boss Baby ♪

♪ I'm the boss
Dial in to the meeting ♪

♪ Everybody here
Please, find your seating ♪

♪ While you're teething
I'm sinking my teeth in ♪

♪ First one to show
So I can do all my greeting ♪

♪ Profits, payrolls, and pacifiers ♪

♪ I make friends
I love you, you're hired ♪

♪ So come on and raise
Your juice boxes skyward ♪

♪ Boss babies until we retire ♪

-♪ Boss Baby ♪
-♪ Tell them who this is ♪

-♪ Boss Baby ♪
-♪ I'm a legend, mythic ♪

-♪ Boss Baby ♪
-♪ Can a baby get a witness? ♪

♪ Grab a high chair
This the family business ♪

♪ Boss Baby ♪

[wind whistling]

[footsteps]

[door opens]

[door closes]

[Skinny] Nobody's looking
to start a kerfuffle, Granny.

We've just come for the baby.

If you've come into my shack for the baby,
then the kerfuffle has already begun.

[yells]

[yells]

[grunting]

[yells]

[woman singing in French]

[woman on TV] You heard about
this fella Theodore Templeton?

-Crooked businessman. American.
-[audience laughing]

Decides to go on the run, no lie,
true as the North is strong and free,

by getting plastic surgery
and hiding out as a baby!

[Granny] Another lobster for your bisque?

Thank you, I couldn't possibly.

[woman on TV] If you see him,
do not approach.

Granny Marie, I'm sorry,
I've overstayed here.

It's my shack, and you've stayed
no longer than I've welcomed you.

I've made too many enemies.

Lobster Mob, Maple Syndicate,
Circular Bacon Brothers.

You're a good boy
who helps the local babies.

Let them hate you.

You think it's my first mob w*r?
I'm Canadian.

I never wanted to bring the fight here.
Those two g*ons won't be the last.

[rustling outside]

Hey, guys. Buddy from HR. [gasps]

Oh, child!

[Buddy] You need to call home, mmkay?

[phone line ringing]

-[Tina] Hello?
-Tina!

Finally, he calls!

-What's wrong?
-Huge Baby Love crisis!

You running away blew back on us bigtime!
Where the heck have you been?

We've sent people to track you down,
and they all went missing!

Pip, JJ, even...

-Your brother Tim!
-What?

I'm Aubrey. Top qualities
include enthusiasm and ideas.

-What?
-Thank you.

I needed a temporary assistant.

Where's JJ?

If I knew I wouldn't say she was missing!

I'll get her back! All of them!

[groans] This is insane!

I ran to protect all of you!

If the feds knew anything--
These are secure phones, right?

I did the encryption myself.
Check out your screens.

"If found, please return to
Dr. Brunchtater Shinglejingle"?

"Property of Prof. Contessa
Baronessa du Schnitzelschniffer"?

And for any federal agents listening in,

Prof. Contessa and
Dr. Shinglejingle are not even related.

Hang up!

[Tina] But fantastic fake names, Aubrey--

This isn't your fight.

I have to go find my missing family.
You have a new baby to care for.

Bisque. Lobster bisque.

Take these skates. And this stick.

And this insulated mug
full of nourishing poutine.

And this.

You are the one pure thing
in this lawless wasteland.

-Stay safe and salty.
-[helicopter whirring]

Criminal fugitive
Theodore Lindsay Templeton,

come out with your baby hands
held to the tippy, tippy sky.

[Boss Baby] We don't have to do this!

I'm an innocent man hiding out as a baby
for reasons I can't go into!

[agent] You're north of the border.

There are no innocent men in Canada.

[yells]

[mariachi music playing]

[woman singing in French]

[agent] Aah! It smells so good!

[yelling]

No!

[groaning]

I wanna catch him as badly as you,

but we only bribed the government
enough for one cross-border mission.

-So we'll just let him go?
-Never.

But until he steps back into the States,

we have to turn this over
to a local fugitive tracker.

[bear growling]

Go find your man, Henri.

[Henri roars]

[DJ on radio]
...hiding out as a baby! Yeah!

They're working on the film adaptation.

-It's called The Fu-goo-goo-goo-gitive!
-[tire bursts]

[air hissing]

[groans] Never buy vegan tires.

-Wha--?
-[metal clangs]

Don't hurt me!
I never got to finish reading Moby d*ck!

-Huh?
-[rapid footsteps]

[shouts]

Hey! Who should I tell my boss
stole a truckload of baby diapers?

"Whom." Whom should you tell your boss
stole a truckload of baby diapers.

And let me save you 500 pages.
The whale wins!

No!

Fresh diapers for days, team.

Kudos, crushed it! Now, floor it!

[baby] Yeah, out of a cardboard box!
Cardboard!

He's cranky, Mom's cranky.

I mean, where are all the diapers?

[phone ringing]

Just a temporary shortage.

[Katja] Mashed turnips!

Context!

I found three half-pickles
and a pizza taco.

Can a baby eat a pizza taco?

Just throw them in, he's starving!

[Katja] What happened
to the real baby food?

Soft American baby tummies
cannot handle gulag feasts.

Minor supply chain disruption,
please hold.

-I won't!
-What about my thing?

[Carol] Hi, sweetie!

Mommy's calling to see
what I could do to help you with work

and move you closer
to retiring as a regular cuddly baby.

Aw, that's so nice, I love you!

-But all good up at old Baby Co--
-[door opens]

Another one, ma'am!

Call you back, Mommy.

Those booties with rubber nubs?
Took a whole case.

We got babies slipping across floors
like wet soap in a bowling alley.

Now they're stealing our socks? Come on!

-What's going on?
-Who is they?

[sighs] I've got some
company announcements.

Dez, gather the troops.
I'll get the chairperson of the board.

[Agnes] And why spend we so frivolously
on two-ply paper towels,

when the same effect may be achieved
with a simple folding of a one-ply sheet?

[Luz] But what is the price per ply?

Will we find true savings?

[Demarius] What say you,
Chairperson Tabitha?

[sighs] You're making it hard
for me to care about anything in life.

I bought this company for the action!
Covert missions! Corporate combat!

Don't you creepy,
faceless board member avatars

ever feel like actually doing something?

[Agnes] We have meetings!

[grumbles]

[elevator bell dings]

Oh, my CEO sister!
Must be urgent, gotta run!

[indistinct overlapping voices]

Why is Baby Love crashing?

Are we losing our jobs?

I can slack off slightly less!

Nobody's losing their job!
I can explain everything.

[worker babies] Oh!

Ah!

[speaking indistinctly]

-What did you do?
-Made visuals for your presentation!

-Nothing soothes babies like a car ride.
-Loving that take-charge spirit!

Now, you all know Boss Baby,

former adult businessperson
Uncle Teddy Templeton...

[all laughing]

It's what pops up
when you search his name.

Really? Even with the
international fugitive manhunt going on?

You punch a beehive, online never forgets.

Pushing forward.

Thanks to
British weasel-for-hire Crispin Biscuits,

the agents chasing Teddy
got a doozy of a story.

"Fugitive embezzler Theodore Templeton

got experimental plastic surgery
and is hiding out as a baby."

Which is crazy,
because, obviously, he did it

by drinking
super concentrated special formula--

-[baby] Get on with it!
-I'm painting with my words!

Anyway, it seems some plastic surgeon
heard the news and was like,

"That's a good idea!"

And started selling that service
to criminals.

Whoa. They're turning gangsters
and muggers into babies?

Well, it's super expensive,

so we're talking rich tax dodgers
and yacht smugglers.

But, yeah, grown-up bad guys
are being turned into babies.

-[saw whirring on video]
-[all gasp]

-[squishing and grinding]
-Aah! What is that?

I don't know what the surgery looks like,
so I had to use my imagination.

That's to shrink down the bones,
and that's to stretch out the cheeks--

Next slide!

[Tina] Adults hiding out as babies
need the same things as real babies,

but without parents or any conscience,
they're getting theirs by stealing.

Real babies are left high and dry,
and Baby Love is tanking.

Hang on. If it's grown-up crooks,
shouldn't the grown-ups be handling this?

We're on it. They will be.

Really need the feds on this, Uncle Benji.
You gonna work with me?

[Benji] I can't confirm or deny
we know about criminals hiding as babies

any more than we can confirm or deny
the existence of aliens

or that Ivorian soap operas
are based on real events.

Stuff like that gets out,
there would be panic!

They're pretending they don't know.

-Come on!
-Are you kidding me?

This is why I didn't wanna say anything
until I had a plan!

-So you have a plan now?
-Uh, well...

[all shouting angrily]

We're good on the slide show, Aubrey.

[Boss Baby] Canada.
Even the word sounds dirty.

Like you'll never be able to
wash off the stench of maple and gravy.

Oh!

[Boss Baby]
Up here, everybody's got a racket.

Lowlifes gambling on baby curling matches
in every icy back alley.

Every town starts to look the same,

every face like one
you've seen a billion times before,

another Canuck
who'd tie your gonch in a knot

for some Nanaimo bars and ketchup chips.

Another grown-up who calls
a box of mac and cheese "dinner."

Maybe it's just the constant
dive-bombs from cat-eating loons,

but you can never shake the feeling
something's out there, watching.

[growling]

It's enough to make a baby wanna
lie down and nap till it all goes away.

But me, I got people to find.

[glugging]

If I were looking for someone
gone missing in these parts,

I'd find some sled dog pups
and ask to join their games.

That's great, thank you! Where--?

Then again, I'd never go looking
for someone missing in these parts

because no man
who values his beating heart

would join those games on purpose.

[barking]

I'd like to join your games.

[puppies barking in rhythm]

[puppies howling]

Pip! JJ! Tim!

What are you doing here?

I was looking for all of you!
What are you doing here?

I got snatched by puppy bandits
three miles outside Skookumchuck.

-[growls, then barks]
-4.8 kilometers!

Couple of Huskies
picked me up in Flin Flon,

Tim walked into an ambush near
Pickle Crow, but we all wound up here.

You should've just left us.

I wouldn't wish this game
on my meanest childhood barber.

What game?

[puppies barking]

No! It's starting!

Come on!
You're gonna make her go first again?

JJ's been here longer than all of us.

Survived 252 cans so far.

What do they want us to do?

Okay, I'm doing it!

[JJ whimpering]

[sighs] Cashews.

You kidding? That's what
we were so worked up about?

My hands are so sweaty,
I could palm-wash a car!

-[barks]
-Yeah, fine, easy!

[yelling]

[gibbering]

Godspeed, new guy.
I never learned your name,

but I wish I'd recorded
your hilarious screams for my mix-tape.

Yes! Idea factory Aubrey
with yet another plan.

We need to round up all the Shrinkies,

which is what we're calling
the adult criminals

who got surgeried into babies.

Love it! So how do we round them up?

Massive concert with a chart-topping
baby pop band, but, whoa, the band is us!

I already wrote a song!

♪ Oh, babe, I want you ♪

That's all I got.

Excellent thinking,
but we don't have the numbers

for a full band
under present circumstances.

I feel for you.
It's tough being in charge.

I'm fine with being a leader,
I'm just not a loner. I'm a people baby.

It's hard to even think
when half my people are missing.

Hi, I'm Pip. I like to twirl people's hair
while they sleep,

but sometimes I have useful input.

I'm JJ,
but enough about me, tell me about you.

Nice to have you here, team.

And I'm Theodore Templeton.

[yelling] There are bees on my fist!

I love the taste of fresh honeycomb
but don't know how stores work!

Why did Mother Nature
give bees spiky butts?

Aubrey! Great effort, but I'm not sure

that's Uncle Teddy's
most relevant experience.

Punch a beehive, the story's gonna travel.

[gasps] Aubrey, you genius!

I mean, impeccable object work
with the beehive, but "genius"?

We can get the grown-ups
to take care of these Shrinkies!

We just need to make the story travel.

Simmons? Gonna need some science.

-Tabitha? Gonna need--
-I'm there!

[whirring]

Snacks. Snakes. Snacks. Snakes.

-[whimpering]
-Can't you see the boy's had enough?

Don't back-sass them!
They'll just add more devil cans!

Just do it, Pip!
Don't give them the satisfaction!

[yelling]

[sobbing] Why is everything funnier
when it happens to others?

These rich crooks
started hiding out as babies

because they think I did it first?

That's not the only reason.

They also don't wanna be punished.

This is my fault.

We have to get out of here,
go help Tina, Tabitha, Baby Corp!

That's all we've been waiting for.

Someone to say,
"We have to get out of here."

Hard part's done, good job!

You got bitter.

-I earned it!
-[wheel spinning]

-[barks]
-I heard you! I'm going!

[growling]

Stop back-sassing!

Oh, Mr. Top Dog.
Did your little puppy feelings get hurt?

Boss.

You think that scares me?

My whole life's
one big exploding can of nuts! Hit me!

You wanna play hero?

Be my guest! Load them all up!

[all yelling]

You've all got the North sickness!

So let's get nuts! [yells]

Now!

[yells]

You good, Gretzkina?

We're all good as long as
nobody touches the shagbark hickories!

You know what those go for
on the Bobcaygeon black market?

Oh, Canada.

Never change.

We have to get across the border!

Who knows what havoc those fake-baby
criminals could be wreaking?

[Precious whinnies]

Steady, girl. I promise,
this isn't any deadlier than having to

sit and listen to Board Baby Agnes
clear her throat 300 times.

[mimics Agnes clearing throat]

[bicycle bell rings]

Ooh. Spooky lineup.

It's on!

Yahoo!

Wait a minute. Werewolf, alien.
Wasn't there a Frankenstein?

-[Russ] No.
-[screams]

There was a Frankenstein's monster.
Frankenstein was the doctor.

So a Frankenstein mask
would just be a regular guy's face.

Where is the drama in that?

Ooh. "For sensitive skin."
Goodbye, diaper rash!

No, please, don't take those.

Blow the lid off this thing.

-[baby 1] What's happening?
-[baby 2] What is going on?

[party music playing over speakers]

-What is going on?
-Did anybody see anything?

[Carol] Look, everyone!

This feels like a thing
we should all be aware of!

Maybe a little overacted.

If it helps my baby girl retire faster,
I'll dance.

Come on.

I'm Marsha Krinkle, with a
breaking edition of Krinkle on the Town.

Yes!

[Marsha] Minutes ago, my own neighborhood
was overrun by miniature masked hooligans

throwing some sort of street rave.

You there, Bug Eyes, why are you trying
to rob our town of peace and quiet?

-Um...
-Forgive our dramatic entrance.

We're just humble masked delivery persons

who maybe got overexcited to tell you
we found a shipment of diapers!

[all] Yes!

No, no, no!

[man] Oh, wonderful!

[air pump whirring]

Whoa!

[baby 1] How dare you dangle me
from a novelty device!

Do you know who my fifth husband is?

I will sue you
birth-nosed suburbanites into-- Oh, dear.

[all babbling]

This baby's talking.

No! No, no, nobody's brain needs to break!

They're not real talking babies, just--

More adult fugitives hiding out
like Theodore Templeton!

Krinkle's got them!

-[woman] Are you kidding me?
-[man 1] Fugitives? Criminals?

[man 2] Why aren't people
talking about this?

-Where's the media?
-Watching the news, Uncle Benji?

[Benji] I can neither confirm nor deny
I just turned it on--

[shrieks] Who told the news
about the plastic surgery crime babies?

And that's how you get grown-ups
to take care of their own bad guys.

I was afraid of that.

Border's swarming with agents,
standing on guard for me.

If you get caught, it's prison for sure.

Excellent reason not to get caught.

[Muzak playing]

[agent] I know I should be
monitoring my surroundings,

but darned if that isn't the most
hypnotic display I've witnessed.

Kid's got moves.
Weird, freaky little moves.

-God bless the U.S.-- [yells]
-[Henri roars]

What!

[growling]

Welcome back to America, Mr. Templeton.

♪ He's a baby of the people ♪

♪ But the government chases him now ♪

♪ In the snow-covered woods of Canada ♪

♪ He must run like a mighty sled dog ♪

♪ Theodore Templeton, Theodore Templeton ♪

♪ He fights with
The strength of the peoples ♪

♪ Theodore Templeton
His fight is very good ♪

♪ Boss Baby ♪

♪ Is north of the border ♪