02x06 - Poompf!

[bunniefuu]

-Hold all my-- Whoa!
-[laughing]

♪ Boss Baby! ♪

♪ I'm the boss
Dial in to the meeting ♪

♪ Everybody here?
Please find your seating ♪

♪ While you teething
I'm sinking my teeth in ♪

♪ First one to show
So I can do all my greeting ♪

♪ Profits, payrolls, and pacifiers ♪

♪ I make friends!
I love you, you're hired! ♪

♪ So come on
And raise your juice boxes skyward! ♪

♪ Boss babies until we retire! ♪

-♪ Boss baby ♪
-♪ Tell them who this is ♪

-♪ Boss baby ♪
-♪ I'm a legend, mythic ♪

-♪ Boss baby ♪
-♪ Can a baby get a witness? ♪

♪ Grab a high chair ♪

♪ This the family business
Boss baby ♪

[rattling]

-Another one.
-So exciting.

[all groaning]

Tina, Tina, Tina.

Sorry, forgot I had those in.
I thought the client clapper was busted.

We got a new client?

Pterodactyl Baby is ready to sign up. Pip?

[screeching]

[all groaning]

After weeks of failing
to minimize her scraw,

we hit a screamthrough.

Breakshriek. Breakthrough.

We stopped fighting it and embraced it.

Also we used cardboard.

[screeching]

My flesh is burning,
but I don't even care.

What was a liability
is now a baby lovability.

All thanks to cardboard.

Brilliant. Get her finger paint
on a contract. Chip?

Legal's working on it.

This is how we beat
those empty suits at Baby Corp: volume.

Any baby, any problem, anytime.

-Simmons, how's the thingy?
-Almost ready for beta testing.

I love it so much I don't care,
but what is it?

Tantrum alarm.
I'm experimenting with wave receptors.

To localize the wailing
of a baby in distress.

Like a fishing rod for baby love clients.

[powering up]

[ringing]

We got one on the line.
It's coming from-- [gasps]

Baby Iggy's house.

[crying]

[Boss Baby]
Inconsolable wailing. Searching.

That's a kid who lost
his favorite stuffed animal.

Ah! Not Pony the Horse!

I want a top-to-tail search
of every cubby, cabinet, clothes hamper.

Don't forget behind the toilet.
It's weird, but it happens.

-Move.
-Tina.

Hey, Tina, wait.

You don't wait.
The first 72 hours are the most critical.

After that, the toy's lost
to the couch cushions forever.

Love the passion, but Iggy
is a Baby Corp top five-percenter.

-He's their client.
-Who lost his stuffed horsey.

If Baby Corp thinks we're trying
to steal clients, they'll come after ours.

We're babies working
out of a strip mall mayonnaise store.

A corporation that big will
chew us up like a fistful of dry cereal.

So, what, we just stop caring?

Lost toy recovery is
the most basic baby love field mission.

We can still care, just care smartly.

Did you order something?

[pensive music playing]

That's cardboard, all right.

No stamps or postage.
This was definitely delivered in person.

Wait...

[Simmons] Palomino coat.

[sniffs]
Musty tang of accumulated naptime drool.

-[toy neighs]
-Embedded voice chip?

It's him.

It's Pony the Horse.
We found Iggy's friend.

No, we got a box
hand-delivered to our doorstep.

And I wanna know why.

"For my favorite playfriends
at the start of our new game.

Cheers, Crispin Biscuits."

He stole the pony.

That's right.
You march that horse back to Iggy.

What are you doing?

It's a setup. Biscuits is framing us for
stealing a Baby Corp client's plush buddy.

We cannot let them see us with this.

So we won't. I'll take it back.

And you'll make sure
Baby Corp doesn't catch me doing it.

Any baby, any problem, anytime.
Is that what we stand for or not?

You are a terrible influence on me.

We will fight cardboard with cardboard.

-[crying]
-We hear and register your sadness.

There, there.

We cannot find your missing ponyhorse,
but we can offer you reinvention.

A cutting-edge stuffed animal
that questions, what is a stuffed animal?

Say "hi, hello" to Bloch.

[crying]

You can be sad, or embrace the future.

We can't make these choices for you.

-[device ringing]
-Oh, CEO calling.

Twin check.

Hi, hello.

[Pull-String Baby] I love you this much.

Yes, sir. We'll be right there.

[crying]

Whoa!

I flew too close to the cardboard sun
and got card-burned.

I have learned no lessons.

But the coast is clear.

Hey, Igg-meister.

I heard about Pony the Horse,
and I'm so sorry.

-Eyes sharp. Any sign of Baby Corp--
-Sir.

Get her out.

The line's been cut.

You're not clear.

What's that?

She's rounding into the home stretch,
and at the wire, it's Pony the Horse.

-[shouts]
-Abort. Abort.

Ba-- What?

[dramatic music playing]

[crying]

It was, I don't know, like a poompf.

Poompf?

Poompf.

-[Hilde] Like this?
-[all shouting]

You have 18 seconds to explain
why Baby Corp should not declare

a brief but devastating w*r
to crush your tiny business.

One: We just ordered pencil toppers
with the company logo on them.

I am not shutting down
before those show up.

Tina was trying
to give Iggy back his stuffed animal.

That was Reason 2.

Does this appear to your eyes
to be giving ponyhorse back?

No, it doesn't look like it, but--

The Untitled Templeton Project
regrets any misunderstandings

that might have occurred out of context.

We want you to know, as a company,
we take these concerns very seriously.

We'll be handling the matter internally.

Well, I should hope so.

-[Bad Idea Baby] Lolly for the road?
-I will claim a purple, thank you.

Take two.

And thanks for coming by.

[gasps] You're sorcerers.

You're welcome.

How did you do that?

Public relations.

The art of spinning a bad situation,

so we never face
the consequences of our own actions.

I don't think that's a good thing.

Oh, yeah? Perhaps
you're familiar with my earlier work?

There will be consequences.

"Don't cry over spilled milk."

You make a good point.

I invented that one.

Even if it wasn't your fault,
that pony poompfing

could sink our company's reputation
if we don't handle it.

Tina Templeton, I believe
you're our new problem baby client.

We've got kidnapping of a stuffed animal.

-First-degree toy-slaughter.
-Possession of poompfing materials.

Conspiracy to damage a rival business.

Not a crime. Did it regularly.

Be honest. But be gentle.
Like a koala therapist.

Will people hate me forever?

We can handle that
without breaking a sweat.

What's really hurting us is the video.

Never get caught on tape.

Huge PR no-no.

Our only option is the best option:
Lay low until things blow over.

No way am I laying low.

I still gotta sign Pterodactyl Baby
as a client.

These two spin weasels are right.

Just until the heat wears off.
We can cover Pterodactyl Baby.

[groaning]

Were you guys expecting a delivery?

Think it's from Crispin?

No postage.

Same MO.

Wait, Crispin Biscuits?

How many Crispins do you know?

He's back?

You get to go round two
with a twisted baby mastermind

while I'm stuck ringing up
scoops of pepper jelly mayo?

[groaning]

"Iggy was fun,
though he was but the first.

Guess whose stuffed animal
is next to burst."

Rhyming clues?

He's advanced to next-stage villainy.

[gasps]
Pterodactyl Baby's his next target.

All hands on deck.
Batten down the hatches.

Stop, drop, and roll. Pick a card.

We got an animal to save.

We do.

You agreed to lay low.

My groan was not an agreement.

-Crispin Biscuits is--
-Is trying to rattle us.

Which is why we need to keep our cool.
Remember caring smartly?

I remember it not working very well.

Fine, but I will be counting every second
until I hear this mission succeeded.

I can only count to so many caterpillars,
so it better be quick.

One caterpillar.

Don't fail Ptery Baby,
or I'll never forgive you.

Two caterpillar...

[suspenseful music playing]

[whispering]
If I don't move, she can't see me.

-Dinosaur rules.
-That's not how dinosaurs work.

-[crying]
-No, you'll wake the parents.

[footsteps thudding]

[man yawning]

Easy, friend.

We all want what's best
for your little bear buddy.

But if you don't let me borrow him...

I'm on your side. Believe me.

Step yourself away
from the pterodactyl, scoot-scoot.

-Sorry.
-I'll do better.

I was thinking about cardboard.
Doing it again now.

Why are you two here?

Apparently protecting another
of our clients' stuffed thingies

from you savages.

Nice try,
but Pterodactyl Baby isn't your client.

She's about to gonna be.
Baby Corp top five-percenter potential.

Have you seen the waves
she's making with that dinosaur act?

-We did that.
-Poompf clock is ticking.

We're doing this. Thank me later.

[Hilde] We have a saying in Luxembourg:

"Don't try to fight a lion."

That is the whole saying.

Our culture is very practical.

We call our driveways "parkways."
It makes sense.

Now stop touching
our future client's companion.

It'll burst. We're trying to save it.

Yeah, because your company
loves stuffed animals so much.

We do. We're a company
you can trust with all--

Boss, he's here.

I'm sorry, but I have to find the...

expl*sive thing
that was supposed to be in here.

We're having a party for new clients.
Will you need a plus-one?

[crying]

[announcer] Does this look like a company
that values stuffed animals?

If they hate our stuffed friends,
what else do they hate?

Blankies?

Peek-a-boo?

Babies?

Choose Baby Corp.

The baby love company 100% less likely
to slaughter your best friend.

And we're not in the back
of a mayonnaise store. Ugh.

This is Pull String CEO Baby.
He approves this message.

[Pull String Baby]
My favorite snack is vegetables.

[laughing maniacally]

That last bit was not my laugh.

It sounded like the cartoon devil.

I said, never get caught on tape.

Ugh. I should've been there.

Absolutely not.

Public relations is about
getting far away from scandal.

Like the time I took candy from a baby,
which was really hard.

But did I get incarcerated for it?

Possibly. You have the soul-dead eyes
of a baby who's served time.

No way. This guy
convinced everyone it was an accident.

Shifted public perception.

Now people assume
taking candy from a baby is easy.

It's not.

I have a scar.

[both] Public relations.

[JJ] So, what?

Now both bosses are supposed
to just lay low, and not do anything?

Wow, we better stop
giving away our secrets,

or everyone's gonna do our job.

You're toxic to the company.

No matter how bad
you wanna try to fix this, do nothing.

I don't care if the cartoon devil
walks in and says--

-[Crispin] Hello.
-[all shouting]

-We're out.
-Not involved in this.

Lovely business.

You hadn't invited me over to play,
so I invited myself.

Turn around and toddle
your stuffed animal-hating keister

back out that door, bucko.

I? Hate?

But I adore fluffapets.

Tell them how I cherish you,
Squeakers Kensington.

Oh, my gosh. It's so soft.

I had it special made
from stolen emotional support blankets.

-[gasps] It's not your fault.
-[squeaks]

Why are you still harassing us?

This was Nannycam's revenge deal.
She's retired now.

You're free to go
do whatever makes you happy.

Laughing at car accidents.
Stealing teeth from under pillows.

No, no, no, thank you.
I was hired to be your playfriend.

I never stop playing
until there's nothing left

of your personal
or professional lives to play with.

[device ringing]

It's Baby Corp.

How funny.

I just called them.

What a strange
and delightful world we live in.

[Hilde]
Why are we receiving anonymous calls

that your company plans
to burst every stuffed animal in town?

What? That's not true.

We'd never hurt a stuffed animal.

-[shouts]
-[Herve] Sick.

You are just sick.

End this now.

Or we annihilate your tiny,
sad, mayonnaise-smelling company.

I enjoyed that so much, I forgive you
for what you made me do to Squeakers.

Grab him.

Promise to play again soon.

Crispin will blow up
every stuffed cuddle buddy in town?

We have to stop this.

And we will.

-Yeah.
-Or will we?

I just said, yeah.

We're past
the "lay low and do nothing" strategy.

Public Relations would beg to differ.
Chip ran some actuarial tables.

How many stuffed animals we could
afford to lose in order to save the rest.

Turns out, it's a lot.

Whoa, are these numbers
and drawings accurate?

No. No way.

I tried your "care smartly, just sit here"
dumb PR voodoo doo-doo.

But these are babies' beloved toys.

I don't want to lose any of them,
but we've got a weak hand.

We don't even know
how Crispin Biscuits is detonating these--

Actually, I might.

-What do you got?
-Squeakers' voice chip.

Before that chinchilla poompfed,
Crispin hit a button on a thing.

That must have sent a signal that
caused the chip to heat up, and poompf.

Like microwave popcorn.

See? It's the same with Iggy's pony.

How long have you been carrying that?

For as long as my heart's been hurting.

So we just have to block
Crispin's poompf signal to these chips

and we'll save the stuffed animals?

Better idea.
You guys got a line on old electronics?

Gold mine.

So we don't
just block the signal, we bounce it.

When Crispin hits
his animal-bursting button,

this gizmo will bounce it right back,
blowing up his device instead.

[all] Yeah!

But we need a voice chip for this to work.

We gotta rip the crud
out of one stuffed animal friend.

-[all groaning]
-Unfortunate, but acceptable.

Don't make me call our PR guys back in.

Every conversation with them
makes me feel like I bathed in grease.

It's one stuffed animal.

One stuffed animal
is one baby's best friend.

We didn't start this company
to let that happen.

Forget caring smartly.

Let's care enough
to do something super dumb.

You really are just
an absolutely terrible influence on me.

-What did you have in mind?
-We need a toy with a voice chip, right?

[Pull String Baby]
Let's have a beach party.

The CEO says, "It was you?"

That's right.

I, Tina Templeton,
am the poompfer of plush toys.

Not our company.

Only me.

Got that? Me.

[groans] Credit snob.

But why?

Wouldn't you like to know?

[laughing maniacally]

I'm sorry. It's my first ruthless demand.

I'll tell you exactly why.

But not over a call.

In person.

On neutral ground.

One-on-one.

With your CEO.

[all gasping]

[Pull String Baby] Rainbows are ribbons
on the gift of a new day.

He accepts.

Then I'll see him at Pitties.

One hour. Alone.

I clock one security goon
on the octo-slide.

[groans] We knew they would
never really let this meeting happen solo.

They won't let it happen, period.
Security protocols.

They'll take you down
before you set one foot in Pitties.

Unless I do my thing.

You found your new thing?

Oh, Dez, that's great.

What's our master of disguise into now?

Being a master...

of disguise.

-Pardon me.
-Huh?

Dr. Brocklin Velocidale,
playground research labs.

Do you know if this slide is rated for...?

Whoa!

He's down. Move in.

The longer you're in here,
the more dangerous it is.

We'll cover you.

They've sent in backup.
Southwest monkey swing.

[JJ shouting]

[shouting]

Hey, Pitties.

Go get them.

[ragtime music playing]

Howdy. Party of three minus two?
That's how we count on the ranch.

It's a hard and confusing life.

Actually, I got a date with a doll.

Hi, hello.

Someone has to pull the string.

[Pull String Baby] Tag. You're wonderful.

Wow, that is so weird.

I said "alone,"
and yet there's another Baby Corper here.

We'll keep security off your tail.

We got a bogey on the bridge.

Cardboard!

Hey. Whoa!

Holding on, but the sooner you can--

You've gotta be kidding me.

I see him, sir.

[grunting]

Back off, Biscuits.

And miss Tina's face when she learns
I've burst every stuffed beast in town?

-It's like you don't want me to have fun.
-No!

Hey, Pitties.

Tina, Crispin's at Pitties.
Extract that voice chip now.

[earpiece feedback]

Swimmer's ear.

Bath time was crazy last night.

The CEO has
very important meetings to return to.

State your business.

Right, yes.

Uh, my business.

Where are my manners?
I never offered the CEO a juice.

Would you order him something?
We'll be fine while you're gone.

[Pull String Baby]
Love plus friendship equals you.

He's not thirsty.

No? Too bad.
Ooh! You know what else is too bad?

You have something stuck in your teeth.
You should check that out.

I have no teeth
in which for things to become stuck.

And I would never leave
my CEO alone with a crazed poompfer.

Now state your business.

Okay. Um... [gasps]

No.

-Hugs are--
-Come on.

-I love-- Life is-- Rainbows--
-I'm really sorry about this, Mr. CEO.

I love-- I love you...

Insert child's name.

Hug-- Hug-- Hug--

[powering down] You're my best friend.

It worked.

[Boss Baby] Let her go, Luxes.

[Pip shouting]

[Pip] We all learned a lesson today.

Cardboard can't solve all our problems.

But it can ship them.

Group hug.

Tina's innocent.

This device was programmed to burst
babies' stuffed animals all over town.

What Tina did to your CEO just saved them.

All of them.

And this magic button device
just happened to be

right where Tina Templeton
was carrying out a voicebox-assination?

I think you just proved
she did double-crimes.

No, the CEO thing was me.
Necessary evil, and I am sorry.

But the poompfing was
all Crispin Biscuits--

Crispin Biscuits? Say no more.

Oh, so you believe us?
I thought that'd be harder.

For serious, say no more.

We need plausible deniability,
so he doesn't come after us too.

I heard of that fella.
Yay tall, talks like an Englander?

Buddy of mine in Tulsa met him once.
Now he's scared of grass.

Grass.

Yeah, so good luck with that.

If you need help, don't call us.

We'll worry about that later.
Right now we celebrate.

Any ideas?

Bloch is for hugging. No push away.

No, no. Hug for you.
Better than your old stuffed animal, yes?

Leave it. Let's bounce.

Just came to drop something off.

[screeching]

And Simmons gave it a voice chip.

[doll screeches]

This is the care we provide
at the Untitled Templeton Project.

Working on a name.

So, what do you say? Join us?

Welcome to the family.

[doll screeching]

[all screeching]

[roaring]

[theme music playing]

♪ Boss baby ♪

♪ Boss baby ♪

♪ Boss baby ♪

♪ Boss baby
Tell 'em who this is ♪

♪ Boss baby
I'm a legend, mythic ♪

♪ Y'all heard the story
But you know what the twist is? ♪

♪ Welcome to the family business
Boss baby ♪