Ari Shaffir: America's Sweetheart (2025)

[bunniefuu]

[lightning crashes]

Every town, I figured out, every city

gets either crack or heroin.

Crack and meth or heroin

as their chief affliction.

And, uh, DC's a crack town.

[chuckles] Yeah.

It's always been a--

Sure, be proud of it. I hate it.

[lighthearted piano music plays]

Yeah, they're too active.

Crackheads are-- they're always scurrying.

Can't pin 'em down.

Unpredictable movements.

They're like a new snowboarder

ahead of you.

[laughs] Like, make a full turn.

Always, like, looking

for a trash can to r*fle through,

or a cop to stand nearby

to act normal around.

[laughs] And they always want

human contact,

only when they have visible cuts

on their body.

[laughs] That's the only time.

"Hey, you got a dollar?"

You're like, "No, you know you can't."

"How about a handshake?"

You're dripping blood

out of your fingers! No.

That's why I prefer heroin.

Even when they want to bother you,

they really don't have the energy for it.

You know? Heroin heads are like,

"Hey, man, you got a--"

"Can I get a-- Can I get a dollar?"

Every time you think they're done bending,

they're like, "No, I have more bend."

Have you ever seen one?

Have you ever seen a heroin addict

fall asleep standing up?

It's kind of beautiful.

If you can get over what it means

for your neighborhood.

You know? It's such a slow,

graceful tai chi of failure.

Yeah. When I see them slowly falling off,

I like to-- I like to imagine I'm an X-Man

and I have super speed.

And I just run around them.

Just make noise like,

"Pew, pew, pew, pew."

[chuckles] No, it's a problem.

I don't know what to do.

I have no idea how to help.

I don't know how to help a meth head.

Here's how you help a heroin addict.

If you want to help them,

put a hat by them,

and paint them silver.

[chuckles softly]

I don't know if it'll help.

It will beautify the neighborhood.

Trying to-- Trying to focus on, uh--

on positivity lately.

That's what I'm doing in my life.

You know, there's so much

negative sh*t in the world.

- [woman in audience] Whoo!

- Yeah.

"Whoo" for the negative, yeah. [laughs]

No, it's everywhere.

But I've always found there's a--

there's an angle on everything

that is good.

No? Maybe you don't know

what I'm talking about.

Maybe you're like,

"Explain it, Ari, while you're up there."

I'm like, "There's always--" Okay.

Here-- Okay, COVID, that's a good example.

Lotta people died during COVID.

Some of those people were c**ts.

[laughs]

Let's not lose sight of those dead c**ts.

You know somebody cut you off

in traffic eight years ago,

and you go, "I hope you die."

And they did.

Just not the way you were expecting.

The Lord works in mysterious ways.

We had this old couple live

below me in New York.

We live like rats in New York. And, uh,

I got a puppy. It was that f*cking big,

it'd run across the floor,

and they'd f*cking bang

with a broom handle.

They'd be like, "Shut the f*ck up!"

A puppy chasing a sock.

They'd wait till nine o'clock,

be like, "It's 9:01 p.m.!"

"You shut the f*ck up, up there!"

God, I hated them so much.

Well, they don't bang anymore.

Yeah, 'cause some hero in China

ate an iguana or whatever. I don't know.

I don't know the whole story.

[laughs] I don't have to know.

I'm too busy playing with my dog.

Focus on the positive,

is what I'm trying to tell you.

And every time I see a heroin addict,

I'm like, "Uh, that is excellent balance."

You know?

I once saw one asleep standing up

on the New York City subway.

Nobody understands how wild that is.

Have you ever been

on a bus or a train and stood up,

and not held on to the f*cking bar?

You've tried. We've all tried.

The doors are closing,

you're arranging your bag.

Like, "Oh sh*t. Well, I'll just post up.

I should be fine."

[laughs] You know? You're like,

"I played basketball in high school."

"This should be no issue."

And then within three seconds,

you're like, "f*ck, f*ck, f*ck!"

You're just down.

Just on someone's lap.

This guy, ten stops, just...

What is in heroin?

Gotta research that ingredient.

And give it to the US gymnastics team.

You guys ever watch gymnastics?

- [scattered cheers]

- Yeah.

Olympics, right?

Yeah, it's a weird sport.

Any other time you watch gymnastics,

you are a pedophile.

[laughs]

The whole sport is 12-year-olds

in bathing suits stretching.

But for two weeks every four years,

you're a patriot.

[chuckles]

You know who loves the Olympics

more than anybody?

Pedophiles, yeah. [laughs]

They're just at home, going,

"I can't believe this is on NBC. This is..."

"This is wild."

"No more dark web for Bobby!"

[laughs] Yeah. They're like,

"Next up, men's basketball."

Like, "Boo! No. More boys."

I watch gymnastics

for the same reason I watch NASCAR.

For the-- For the failures.

Yeah. I wanna see it bad too.

I really wanna see it bad. I wanna see--

I've never seen this,

I want to see this in gymnastics.

Flip, flip, flip, neck.

[audience laughs and groans]

Yeah, I've got problems.

I just want to hear the announcer go,

"Cut away right now, I'm gonna be sick."

[laughs] You know. Don't you?

Don't you want to say, "I saw it!"

"Before they scrubbed it

from the Internet, I saw it live."

Never seen that, but I have seen

failure on a smaller level.

I like when they mess up

at the end too. That's my favorite.

When they f*ck up at-- on the landing.

The part nobody cares about. You know?

If I tell you,

"Picture gymnastics in your head,"

none of you picture this.

[chuckles] Like...

And that's the part that ruins it?

Oh, that's so funny to me.

I like when they're up there doing it,

'cause here's the deal.

When they're up there

and most of the way through,

you know when they think

they're crushing it.

Anything you're most of the way through,

you know when you're crushing it.

No matter what, high or low.

You could be a garbage man.

You could be like,

"Not a single broken bag today."

You know? "Two more blocks,

I'll be in the garbage man hall of fame."

If you're a lawyer,

like, "I put away so many

innocent Black teenagers this week."

[chuckles] f*cking...

Whatever brings you joy.

And, uh, they're up there too,

doing all their flips,

and they're in their head

when they're most of the way.

"I'm crushing this. I'm gonna win

Olympic gold. This is a ten-point-oh."

"I'm gonna be on the cover

of the Wheaties box."

"Endorsement deals.

I'm gonna be America's sweetheart."

And they have to dismount.

They come down, they go...

"f*ck!"

Assistant high-school gymnastics coach.

That's the best you can be now.

They just wanna cry.

We're like, "Ah! Do the hands first."

They're like... [sobs]

Yeah, we're all at home,

going, "You f*cking b*tch."

"You gonna embarrass us

in front of China like that?"

Yeah, it could all be avoided.

With just a little bit of heroin.

[chuckles] You know?

Same thing, flip, flip, flip.

Come down and just...

So...

it's all right.

[audience applauds]

So next time, uh-- next time you see

a heroin addict in your neighborhood,

don't go, "What the f*ck?"

Go, "Possible gymnast."

You know, focus on the positives.

That's what I'm trying to say.

Here's how I do it. Here's how I stay away

from negative sh*t and stay positive.

I-- For the last five years,

I have not read or watched the news.

- [audience cheers]

- Now-- Cool.

Some of you are onboard.

It's never good.

You don't really have to watch it.

I know this is a f*cking news town,

but you really-- It doesn't do you--

It's never like,

"Here's a fun summer recipe."

No, it's always like, "Read this article

and then cut out four of your friends."

[laughs] It's always shitty.

People are like,

"You gotta stay informed."

I'm like, "I don't think you do."

Besides the weather, none of it matters

to you for real, for real.

You know, they try to get you riled up.

Like, we pulled

out of Afghanistan too fast.

And I was like,

"I was never gonna go there."

You know, my vacation plans didn't

come down between Maui and Kabul.

And now, f-- Neither, I guess.

[audience laughs and groans]

[audience cheers]

[Ari laughs] f*cking whatever.

I didn't start the fire. Relax.

But the little stuff doesn't matter.

The big stuff you will f--

Like 9/11, you know?

If you weren't watching the news,

somebody would've told you about 9--

By 9/19, pretty much everybody knew.

Guaranteed, nobody went

to downtown New York

like Thanksgiving of that year,

just going like, "Wait. Where...?"

"Where are the two ones? I thought

the two ones were like right here."

"What happened?"

[laughs]

You know what I think about sometimes?

Who was the last person

to find out about 9/11?

Like, somebody had to be camping.

You know, out of cell phone service.

You have no idea. Show up

at your campsite on 9/9.

Four days of trout fishing,

let the world burn.

"What do we care?"

You have no idea what's being planned

by the Jews who planned it.

[chuckles]

Call all your friends on the ride back in.

"What are we doing this weekend?"

"No way, bro. Nothing."

You're like, "What do you mean?"

Like, "'Cause 9/11." You're like, "What?"

"No, I'm talking about 9/14.

Friday night."

[chuckles]

You still find out about stuff

even if you don't read the news.

I found out, uh--

My friends told me

that Kanye West hates Jews.

Did you guys hear that?

You've heard that? Wow. I didn't hear it.

I was like, "Where'd you hear that?"

He was like, "Uh, it's on his Twitter."

I was like,

"I don't follow him on Twitter."

"I follow him on Spotify."

And he's considerably better on Spotify.

Yeah, if you're following one

of the best musicians of our lifetime

not on a music site,

you are doing it wrong.

On Twitter, he's a local lunatic.

On Spotify, Jesus walks with him.

[chuckles]

Dude, I like Kanye West's music so much,

when he was like, "I hate Jews,"

I'm like, "Let's hear him out."

Go ahead, Kanye. I have Jewish parents.

They can be annoying.

What do you have to say?

My thing is like, I don't know,

hate Jews if you want. But just, like...

write a song about it.

[laughs] You know?

We don't have to agree with your message.

If it slaps, we'll get behind you.

He's done it before.

We don't agree with everything he says.

Kanye West made a hit song

calling every woman in here

a f*cking gold-digging wh*re.

And women all over America were like,

"Play that one. You got me on that one."

"Ooh, I do expect a f*cking nice car,

but run that back. That f*cking rules."

Dude, if you made

a f*cking banger about Jews?

Bro, everybody would dance to it.

They would. Jews would dance to it.

If it went hard enough.

You know? We'll dance like this.

[laughs] But we'll still dance to it.

[laughs] People are like, "Kanye's crazy."

I'm like, "Yeah, I know he's crazy.

He's a high-level artist."

They're all crazy.

The high, high-level guys,

the generational guys,

they're not like us, they're lunatics,

and that's how they're-- But it--

They're better than--

I'm a low-level artist, and I'm weird.

The high-level artists

are all f*cking lunatics.

You know? That's always been, by the way.

That's not new.

Remember-- Remember, uh--

Remember van Gogh?

You think he was chill to be around?

Bro, he cut his ear off.

Made beautiful paintings.

But if you're like,

"Should we invite van Gogh to the party?"

"Do not invite van Gogh

to the party on Saturday!"

"He'll ruin the party."

Same thing with Kanye West.

Nothing but bangers for 20 years.

If he walked in here right now,

I would evacuate the building.

[chuckles] The highest-level guys

are all crazy.

Like Michael Jackson, you gotta r*pe!

People're like, "Kanye's sick!"

I'm like, "Yeah, he's a sick f*ck.

He likes a quick f*ck, I know."

I know all about him. He f*cking rules.

[chuckles]

He made a f*cking gospel album

that's as good as Aretha Franklin's.

You don't get that by being one of us.

You know? I'm just telling you.

Next time your f*cking local artist

or whatever, anybody you like,

f*cking acts up,

just, like, "Sweet.

We're gonna get another Donda."

You don't want a well-behaved artist.

It's not what you're looking for.

You know what you get

when you get a well-behaved artist?

Jimmy Fallon.

Nobody gives a sh*t about Jimmy Fallon.

[chuckles] If he dies,

his gravestone will say,

"Here lies replaceable."

[audience cheers]

[chuckles] Yeah.

Kanye's an all-time great, man.

Here's when I finally figured out

how great Kanye was.

Here's when I finally figured it out.

I was watching a video,

and it made it clear to me

what a great artist he was.

He was-- He was actually not in the video.

But I was watching, like,

"Oh, if Kanye was in this."

I'm like, "Oh,

he might be the best of all time."

It was, uh...

It was a high school football game.

Maybe you've seen this video.

There's a few like it. Small high school.

They put in, for one play only,

they put in a new player.

They put in, uh, a kid

with-- with, uh-- with Down's syndrome.

You can f*cking feel the tension in here.

[laughs] You can feel everyone,

like, "Come on, man."

"Please don't."

[laughs]

It was like an odd, heavy silence.

Relax, you guys.

I'm gonna be cool about it.

Oh, my God. You're like, "Please, come on.

Go back to the heroin stuff."

I liked the video! It made me cry.

I'll be-- Whatever.

Yeah, I'm callous. I'm not that callous.

You ever cry at a video? Yeah, of course.

You can be a man enough to admit it.

It happens.

The right level of tired,

right level of high.

[chuckles] You know? You click on a link,

you just start f*cking...

just start weeping

in between episodes of Rick and Morty.

Yeah. And "Down's syndrome plays

running back" is one of those videos.

Yeah, honestly, if you don't cry at that,

you might be a sociopath.

What else? What else gets me to cry?

I like-- I like, uh,

"Down's syndrome plays running back."

I like, uh...

Oh, I like, "Soldier comes home

and surprises his dog."

- [audience] Aww!

- Yeah, kills me every time.

The dog f*cking l--

He's like... [mimics joyful barking]

f*cking, there's not enough wiggle

in his tail to express his joy.

I-- I like that one better

than "Soldier comes home

and surprises his kid."

Yeah. f*ck that kid. That kid sucks.

That kid f*cking sucks.

Why are you in this army video?

You've never done a push-up.

Why are you in an army video?

Always the same. The kid's sitting

there in class, everyone's looking at him.

He's like, "Why is everyone staring at me?

What's going on?"

He's got no idea. The back door opens up.

The dad's there in the light.

Full army outfit.

You know, medals on his shoulders.

f*cking Arab blood still on his hands.

[chuckles]

He came directly back

from, like, strangling a Mogadishuan,

or like...

[laughs] ...some country

we're not even officially in.

You know? And he's like, "Jackson!"

He's like, "Daddy!"

And I feel nothing.

But I do like "Soldier surprises dog."

And I do like, uh,

"Down's syndrome plays running back."

Yeah, and-- Oh! And I like, uh--

You ever see-- You ever see

"Autistic kid plays basketball"?

[laughs] That's a good one, bro.

That's a f*cking good one.

The SM kid keeping scoreboard

the whole year, by heart.

And, uh, with like a minute left,

like, "Put in the autistic kid."

You know?

Open lane, f*cking keeps missing.

Nobody's rebounding.

Everyone's like, "Come on, autistic kid!"

And he finally buckets one,

everybody's like, "Yes!"

Oh, that feels good.

One out of ten of those autistic kids,

they figure out the angle though.

And they go, like,

"That is, like, 39.7 degrees."

And he just starts f*cking...

Just raining threes.

Soon, he's just like...

Someone drops their popcorn,

he's like, "146."

And for some reason, I don't know why,

autism never plays football,

and Down's syndrome

never plays basketball.

They keep 'em real separate.

I didn't make that rule. That is the rule.

And none of them play baseball.

[laughs] They don't trust

any of those kids with a bat.

It would be the same thing every time.

"Actually..."

[laughs]

But I'm not here to tell you

about "Autistic kid plays basketball."

I'm here to tell you about

"Down's syndrome plays running back."

So they send this kid in, right?

And, uh, everyone in the stands,

in the video,

is like, "Down's syndrome's gonna

play running back!"

I'm at home,

I can feel the burn of a tear coming.

"Down's syndrome's gonna

play running back!"

They send this kid in.

Everybody's huddled up.

My first thought,

my very first thought, was,

"I bet you

this is gonna be a running play."

There's almost no chance

at play-action fake...

[laughs] ...on this next play.

However, it would work.

It would work.

Bro, a fake handoff

to a Down's syndrome running back.

That's six points.

That's six points anytime you want it.

You gotta be a gutsy OC to make that call.

You gotta really have faith

in the hands of your receivers

to call a fake handoff

to a Down's syndrome running back.

If they drop that ball, you are fired.

You gotta f*cking-- You got--

That's gotta go house.

But this was not fake handoff

to a Down's syndrome running back.

It was an actual handoff.

Wasn't even a lateral.

Why-- Why chance it?

[laughs]

You know? Why toss--

Good old-fashioned handoff.

Quarterback gets it, "hike," and then he...

Down's syndrome kid gets it,

and he just f*cking goes.

Dude, it was so cute. You shoulda seen it.

It was so f*cking cute.

The determination on his face.

The jersey was so f*cking big on him.

It was down to his ankles.

Like a f*cking Met Gala ball gown,

it was so big.

The helmet fit perfectly.

I mean, the helmet was snug

for sure, if anything.

He might've brought it from home.

And everyone in the stands like,

"Down's syndrome kid's got the ball!"

I'm at home, a tear comes down,

"Down's syndrome kid's got

the f*cking ball!"

Two more tears coming.

He's at the 50, the 40.

Then I realize, and I think everyone

in the stands realizes at the same time,

we just didn't think it out,

we're like, "Oh, f*ck. He's gonna score."

And we all kinda looked inside ourselves

and we realized, "I've actually never

wanted anything more in my whole life

than for this Down's syndrome kid

to score a touchdown."

You know? And everyone

in the stands is like,

"Ret*rded kid is gonna f*cking score!"

I'm at home,

"Ret*rded kid is gonna f*cking score!"

Everybody's in a good mood.

f*cking opposite fans are high-fiving.

Everything's good in the world

'cause Ret*rded kid's gonna f*cking score!

[audience cheers]

He's at the 40, the 30.

Rabbis and priests are high-fiving

and kissing.

He's at the 20.

Gaza and Israel are square-dancing

in a corner.

There is no evil today

'cause Ret*rded kid's gonna f*cking score!

I'm f*cking openly weeping.

He's at the 20,

the ten, the five, four, three...

If Kanye West was there,

he would tackle that kid.

Greatest living American musician.

[chuckles]

[laughs]

Focus on the positive,

is what I'm trying to tell you.

Legitimately, Kanye West's antisemitism

got me into his music.

And I'm like, oh sh*t,

he f*cking goes hard.

I never realized how great he was

until I heard he was antisemitic.

And I'm like, "Let me check him out."

And it...

There's a reason he's up there.

What other examples can I give you

of focusing on positives?

Oh, here's one from football.

Remember, uh-- Remember Damar Hamlin?

- [men in audience speak]

- Yeah. You know who that is?

No. Girls don't know him.

He was a player for the Buffalo Bills.

You know who the Buffalo Bills are?

It's a sports team.

It's named after an animal. Okay.

[laughs] Sorry. Explaining too much.

Yeah, he had a heart attack

two years ago, middle of a game.

A full heart attack.

No one'd seen anything like it before.

Thought he was gonna die.

He ended up living but they didn't know.

He might have been fully dead

for like a minute and they revived him.

It was wild. No one had seen that before.

Everybody was crying.

Everybody on the Bills was crying,

everybody on the other team,

the Bengals, they were all crying.

The announcers were crying.

Joe Rogan was saying it was the vaccine.

[laughs] Jesus, Joe.

Let him get off the field first.

f*cking calm down.

Every time with that guy.

You stub your toe, "f*ck!"

He's like, "You vaccinated?"

I'm like, "I don't know, dude.

Give me a f*cking hand!"

Everybody was upset at that game.

Except one guy I saw there.

One guy was focused on the positive.

And he was in a good mood.

It was Damar Hamlin's backup.

[chuckles]

There's so much--

Where the f*ck are you going?!

It's okay. [laughs]

How dare you? Where's he going?

To jerk off to Damar Hamlin?

He's like, "I haven't thought

about that guy dying in so long."

"Gets me so hard, I gotta just f*cking..."

"I just gotta sh**t one out."

That's the biggest r*cist I've ever seen.

Like, "The thought of a dead Black man

gets me so f*cking hard."

Possibly too far.

Possible-- Possible line.

Too much good sh*t

in the world is my point.

What other positives can we focus on?

Here's one. How about this?

School shootings.

Sure. Sure, that's a negative, right?

What's the--

What could possibly be the positive

about school shootings? Here's one.

Less carpool traffic tomorrow.

[audience exclaims]

Okay, I feel

like there's a disconnect right now.

[laughs]

Guys, I'm not saying worth it.

I'm just saying there is a positive.

Oh, you want school shootings and traffic?

Or you wanna be like, "Oh, I can't believe

those kids are dead." Green, green, green.

I'm not saying don't mourn.

I'm just saying,

you know, cry at the office

when you get there 20 minutes early.

Guys.

I'm joking.

[laughs]

I hope you understand that.

I know there's some moms in here.

I can see your f*cking... [grumbles]

It's like-- It's a self-defense mechanism.

You got to let in

the horrors of the world.

You can just use humor to drive it off.

You don't have to face it.

You can just ignore it.

Unless you were thinking

of becoming a school sh**ter.

If you were thinking of becoming

a school sh**ter, look, I'll-- Don't.

For everybody else, ignore it.

[chuckles]

No, this sh*t bothers me sometimes.

It's hard. But, like, guys,

America's a g*n country, you know?

- [scattered cheers]

- Yeah, it's-- I don't care. I don't care.

- Don't. I don't-- No.

- [cheering]

I don't vote, I don't give a sh*t.

I really don't care.

You know? Just don't sh**t my dog.

We're fine. That's all I care about.

But we are a g*n country.

And when you're a g*n country,

people are going to get k*lled.

So who better than a child?

They don't contribute to the GDP.

Like, at all.

Like, at all.

Zero taxes paid.

Ask your son, he'll tell you.

Zero.

No. When adults get shot, that bothers me.

That's us. That's our people.

Those are contributing members of society.

Yeah. You lose a 12-year-old?

Have a little grief sex,

you're right back where you were.

You know, you lose a 38-year-old,

now who's driving the bus?

Again... [chuckles] I'm joking.

[laughs]

Where were you? How was it?

Quick one, right?

Mostly head, no shaft.

f*cking went for it, I get it.

Talking about school shootings

since you been gone.

No, they do bother me.

I try to focus on positives,

but you can't help it sometimes.

You get f*ck'-- Hear so much.

Some of these things, like, it's nuts.

Talk to people from other countries,

they don't have school shootings.

They don't have adult shootings. USA!

[laughs] Some of 'em gets--

We've had some bad--

Vegas, that was the worst one, right?

Las Vegas, 50 people.

Fifty people got k*lled

at a country music festival.

g*dd*mn! I remember feeling that,

I was like, "What the f*ck

happened to this country?"

All my friends came to me,

like, "Ari, can you--"

You know, "You're so positive,

can you help us, like, get through this?"

I don't know. I mean...

All right. At least it was country music.

Yeah, guys, I'm not saying

people that listen to country

deserve to die. Not at all.

I'm actually saying

I believe less people died

because it was country music.

Yeah, here's why.

I think people who listen to country

have more experience with firearms

than people who do not listen to country.

So they're able to analyze the situation

and get to safety sooner.

You know? Soon as g*nf*re broke out,

like "Oh, that's semi-automatic."

"My uncle has... one of those."

"All right, trajectory-- Come on.

This way, everybody. Hurry, let's go."

Could've been worse, is what I'm saying.

Thank God.

Thank God it was not EDM.

All those poor people on molly.

[laughs]

You can't flee when you're on molly.

Just so you know.

Molly's not a running-away drug.

It's a jumping-up-and-down drug.

You know, you're having a great time.

"I f*cking love this DJ!"

You know?

And then your friend's head just explodes.

And you're like, "Whoa!"

It's like, "Dude,

we gotta get the f*ck outta here!"

"Right now, we gotta run."

"You know what else we gotta do?

We gotta hang out more."

[laughs] "You're so cool.

Why don't we spend more time together?"

"I like you.

You're one of my best friends."

[mimics g*nsh*t] Death. "No!"

"I don't know what to do!"

"Dude, have you guys heard

this g*nf*re though?"

"It's like..." [mimics g*nf*re rhythmically]

"Everybody, go towards the g*nf*re!"

[chuckles]

Focus on the positive,

is what I'm trying to tell you.

Stay off the news. Don't get involved.

You know when I learned that?

Here's when I learned

to stay off the news.

When it doesn't do you any good.

It was, uh-- It was Gabby Petito.

Remember Gabby Petito?

Yeah, girls know Gabby Petito.

This is your Buffalo Bills.

[laughs]

Boys don't really know. Girls do know.

If you don't know who Gabby Petito was--

Well, "was." Well, that's the story.

Uh... [laughs] She, uh--

She's pretty f*cking dead.

Spoiler alert. The next--

The main character

of this next part is gone.

[sighs] But this is like-- What, it's like

four years ago, something like that?

Three or four, five years ago?

She was a pretty young woman,

and she liked two things

in the whole world.

She loved hiking

and she loved,

uh, having sex with murderers.

And what a terrible combination of things.

It's the Reese's Peanut Butter Cup

of death.

Hiking and murderers?

There's no better place

to m*rder than on a hike.

By the way, women in here,

just so you know,

when you go hiking with your boyfriend

or husband, he thinks about it.

We-- We don't fully consider doing it.

It's a synapse. We can't help that.

It flashes by. We overrule that thought.

We're kind of heroes

when you think about it.

[laughs] You know?

But the thought is--

You're off, just going

like, "What a beautiful view."

And 50-50, it's like, "Oh, no."

"No, no, no. No, no, no, I--

I-- Don't, don't, don't, don't."

And I know women

are like, "We think about it too."

We're like, "Yeah, but... you're feeble."

[laughs] What are you gonna do

with your little twig arms? Nothing.

You know? Guys'll be like,

"Dude, this is a real beautiful view."

"I really like--"

"The f*ck? What are you doing?"

"What are you--

Are you trying to k*ll me?" [laughs]

"Let's go." [yells]

[chuckles]

Anyway, so,

Gabby Petito was dating this m*rder*r.

And you know how murderers be.

They be murderin', so...

she got f*cking m*rder*d.

Everybody's reading about it every day.

Everybody's upset.

I didn't read a thing about it

so I didn't let any of it

into my heart, so...

I didn't feel any of it, so I was just,

you know, making fun of it on Instagram.

My friends got mad at me.

"Ari, it's actually really sad

if you read the articles."

I'm like,

"I didn't read any of the articles."

They're like, "If you read the articles,

you'd be sad too."

I'm like, "Why would you

read the articles?"

She was dead

before you knew she was alive.

Like, did you just wanna be sad?

To me, to anybody that didn't read

anything about Gabby Petito,

this was the whole story.

You know how, like,

a lot of people die every day?

Another one.

You could just not get caught up

in any news story,

and it's a lot more fun.

It really is.

There's so much good in the world.

Every year, they go, "Can't get worse

than last year." You hear it, right?

"Can't get worse than 2023."

"Can't get worse than 2022."

"Can't get worse than 2008."

It's been going on forever,

and it just keeps getting

legitimately better.

You know,

everything's pretty f*cking good.

I've been having so much fun.

I've been shoplifting, like, a lot.

Yeah.

You guys steal at all? Anybody here steal?

- [scattered cheers]

- A few of you?

Nice. Probably some of you don't.

Who here, by round of applause,

who here does not steal?

[cheering]

Cool. Cool.

That's okay. No, I used to be like you.

Sucker paying full price for everything.

Then I read an--

My friend sent me an article.

It changed the way

I thought about the world.

You ever read an article,

and as you're reading it, go like,

"Are you talking directly to me?"

[laughs] That's not new, by the way.

That's been for a long time.

Remember, uh Remember manspreading?

Remember 12 years ago

before the #MeToo movement?

When the worst thing facing women

was the way men sat?

[laughs] Yeah, women were like,

"Doesn't get any worse than this."

"We're putting our foot down."

And men were like, "Challenge accepted."

"Harvey, come talk to them."

[chuckles] If you don't know

what manspreading is, this is what it is.

If you're sitting on the-- on the train,

or the bus if you're Latino, and, uh...

[laughs] I don't know.

If you sit like this,

that's fine, nobody cares.

If you sit like that,

women are like, "Stop it! I hate it!"

[laughs] You're doing it right now!

She's all scrunched up.

You're all like, "Duh."

She's scrunched, you're--

Just so you-- Guys, just so you know,

women think we're oafs.

Women think we see a chair, we're like,

"Duh, I don't know how to do it."

"I'm such a stupid idiot." [grunts]

[grunts forcefully]

Manspreading. What a dumb f*cking term.

As if it only affects women,

it doesn't also affect men.

Like, you think if I see

two large Dominicans

taking up six seats on the subway...

what do you think? "Excuse me, fellas,

if you can tighten up a little bit?"

"I believe that seat belongs to me."

[laughs] No, I stand

right next to the lady cowards.

All of us too ashamed to say "Excuse me."

Women are like,

"I would never sit like that."

No, in the summer time?

It would clear out the whole subway car.

[laughs]

With your swamp p*ssy.

Absolutely do not sit like that.

That's a different life experience.

That's not apples-to-apples.

That's apples to f*cking rancid fish.

But I got the message. I try. I try now.

When I sit on public transportation,

I try to like-- you know?

Eagle pose as best I can.

And then I read another article

probably like five years ago, maybe.

It was about, uh--

It was about white privilege.

You guys ever heard of that?

[laughs] Yeah, I had not heard of it.

And I'll be honest with you,

didn't care for it.

Not at all. Didn't like what it implied.

Implied I didn't work hard

for what I've gotten.

That's bullshit. I work really hard.

I got to wake up every day

by 6:00 p.m. to do this job.

You know? I mostly only do coke

and molly on weekdays.

It's been difficult.

My parents cut me off financially

only ten years after college

that they paid for.

[laughs] I don't know.

Then you think about it, like,

"All right, maybe I got a little bit."

Maybe I have a little bit

of white privilege.

Once I accepted that, once I internalized

that maybe I do have white privilege,

at that point,

I just started stealing.

You guys...

just the white people for a second.

They're not looking at us.

You gotta read these articles.

Don't fight the message. Read the words.

They're a blueprint to free stuff.

The one that got me was,

"Do you know what it's like

to go in a store and have every clerk

just staring at your every move?"

And I was like, "No."

No, I don't.

Always steal, white people.

I'm surprised more of you don't,

to be honest.

You ever use those self-checker things,

where you pay for some of your things?

[laughs] Yeah.

More of you steal than you admit.

It's like... Boop.

Um, I guess...

If it doesn't ring up the first time,

like, "It's not working! I'm taking it."

"I did this three times."

"I'm-- Rule is I'm just gonna put it

on the corner."

It's the thinnest-veiled justification

for shoplifting.

Oh, I love those self-checker things.

Who do you think invented those?

White people did.

Yeah, white people made that

for other white people. Yeah.

It's for us, by us.

That's our FUBU.

That's our FUBU.

Enjoy your sweatpants, Black people.

[chuckles]

We get free groceries with our FUBU.

I stole an entire salmon

from Whole Foods last week.

[laughs] Yeah. f*ck Jeff Bezos.

- [audience cheers]

- Yeah.

What's he gonna--

Is he gonna shutter his doors?

I don't see that happening.

Costs too much. You know how much

a wild-caught Atlantic salmon costs?

I also don't.

[chuckles]

It was too high a price.

I was like, "That's unreasonable.

Now, zero now."

You do this to yourself.

I just took it. Took it.

Eyeballs to tail,

took the whole f*cking thing.

The fisherman got paid, doesn't matter.

Took the whole thing. Just-- I just put it

on the bottom shelf of the cart,

you know, the--

the plausible deniability shelf.

[laughs]

Black people, you gotta be white someday.

It rules so f*cking hard.

Oh, it's the best.

So, you probably don't know this.

[chuckles] We shop different than you.

So the regular part of the cart,

that's just like, yo, you pay for that.

And then there's this bottom shelf

that, I don't know if you even noticed it.

You might have just thought

it was like a stabilizer or something.

No, that's the white tax shelf.

That's where all your free stuff goes.

That's where all your--

your beers and your waters,

and your wild-caught Atlantic salmon.

They can't catch you. It's the best.

They can't-- Here-- No.

Here's the worst-case--

This is absolutely

the worst-case scenario, right?

You got all your paid stuff,

all your free stuff,

and you're f*cking-- [laughs]

you're leaving, you're taking

your cart out, you're leaving.

Then some clerk, he sees you,

he says something.

Overstepping, by the way.

It's not your job.

Nobody trained you in that.

[sighs] Just ring me up. And, uh...

he goes, "Excuse me."

You're like, "Hi. How you doing?

What do you need?"

Like, "What about that stuff?"

"What stuff?" Like, "The bottom shelf."

"What bottom shelf? Oh, f*ck, dude."

"I'm so sorry. I forgot.

I forgot about that completely."

"I was thinking about the economy.

I apologize. I was just..."

Yeah, that's the worst-case scenario

if you're white. You break even.

I hope I'm getting through to you guys.

I really do. I know a lot of comedians

come with a message

of brotherhood and togetherness.

That's not my jam.

My jam is free jam.

[chuckles]

[audience cheers]

If I am, by the way,

let me tell you how to do it.

You gotta start small, work your way up.

Okay, you gotta practice.

Don't go right to auto theft

on the way home.

You will get in trouble.

Start small. Like there's no reason

to pay for a banana in this town.

No. White people, do not pay for bananas.

Just get the banana at Starbucks,

you eat it in line at Starbucks,

then at some point, you just go,

"Oh sh*t." And then just leave.

Just casually leave.

You can run or walk,

doesn't really matter.

They'll see you,

assume you're late for a meeting,

and you probably brought

a banana from home.

Yeah. Let me tell you guys

a stereotype about white people

that you might not know.

We all look like the type of person

that brought a banana from home.

[chuckles]

That's our sh*t.

If you had a police lineup

with a white guy, a Black guy,

Latino, an Asian,

and a f*cking Native American,

"Which one brought the banana from home?"

You're like, "It's-- Obviously,

the white guy did it. What do you mean?"

Let me say this, to be clear.

Black people, honestly,

I hope you get white privilege

someday soon.

Yeah, I don't wanna horde it.

I hope everyone has white privilege.

But until that happens,

man, you make excellent decoys.

If I'm in CVS and three brothers walk in,

I'm like, "It's go time!"

I just turned invisible. All right.

[laughs] You could be brazen.

You could be like, "I'm stealing!"

Like, "Not right now."

"We got a situation over here."

"If they separate, I don't know

what we're gonna do."

[laughs]

Next time somebody says,

"You have white privilege,"

go, "Thank you, I appreciate that.

Thank you very much."

Focus on the positives,

what I'm trying to tell you.

There's too much good sh*t in the world.

Stay off the f*cking news.

It's all f*cking terrible.

And it's all f*cking political too.

g*dd*mn, I hate that sh*t so much.

- I don't vote. Where's my news?

- [audience members cheer]

- Yeah, there's a few of us. Probably more.

- [cheering]

Yeah, in Washington, DC,

you're embarrassed about that.

Probably, right? Don't be.

We're the strongest political movement

in the country.

We outnumber both sides two-to-one.

We're half the country. Where's our news?

Where's the news for the apathetic?

If it was representative,

it'd be six minutes of Democrat,

six minutes of Republican,

and then 41 minutes of memes.

[chuckles]

All these news stories

that we briefly cared about.

Do you ever think back

to the last ten years of sh*t

you once cared about

and now are like, "That's dumb"?

You know? Ukraine. Remember

when you stopped caring about Ukraine?

f*cking g*dd*mn,

that story went on too long.

It's like the show The Walking Dead.

Like, wrap it up, Ukraine.

We've moved on.

Ukraine. The f*cking Jew tunnels.

January 6th. Lizzo's fat-shaming.

Every Karen. Stop Asian Hate.

Remember Stop Asian Hate?

Remember when you couldn't k*ll Asian

people for three months four years ago?

[laughs]

f*cking Aurora. f*cking-- I don't know.

All the statues coming down.

Every election.

COVID, everything, it's just like blech.

Deal with it.

I'm going on a hike.

[scattered cheers and applause]

[laughs]

Focus on the positives,

is what I'm trying to tell you.

There's always something good.

Can I tell you guys, uh...?

Yeah. You've been a--

You've been a f*cking great crowd so far.

- [audience cheers]

- Yeah.

Time for your grade.

Not every comic does this,

grades the audience

in the middle of a show.

You've been watching me this whole show,

I've been watching you as well.

Here's your grade.

You were an A.

[audience cheers]

Yeah. Yeah.

Well, hold it.

You were not an A-plus.

Yeah, many of you non-Jews didn't

even realize that was a possibility.

Yeah, there's another grade on top of A

you might not have been aware of.

It's A-plus. You could've been an A-plus.

There was one moment

where you hiccuped as an audience.

I could feel it. Don't know

if you remember, was a while ago.

I wanted to turn on you really bad,

but you came back.

It was like 30 or 40 minutes ago.

I'll tell you where. It was, uh--

It was right when I switched

from "Down's syndrome" to "Ret*rded."

[laughs] Yeah.

I could feel you guys as an audience.

Just for a second,

you were like, "Ha, ha, ha, oh."

[mock nervous laughs]

No, you came back, you came back.

But it was a moment. There was a moment.

I'm gonna be honest.

You gotta stand up

for what you believe in in this world.

And I'm trying to bring "Ret*rded" back.

[audience cheers]

Oh? Oh!

Oh, okay. Oh!

Well, maybe you never left,

southeast Washington, DC.

Maybe it's been here in hiding all along.

They took it from us, everybody.

They took it from us.

Unconstitutionally.

It was a casualty of the w*r

against the *-word and the F-word.

The *-word for Black people

and the F-word for g*y people.

And somebody, some Goody Two-shoes,

was like, "Also the R-word."

And we're like, "Don't do this."

"Please, please, don't do this."

And we let them take it,

the greatest word in the English language.

Ret*rded.

The bald eagle of words.

We should've said something.

We didn't say anything.

We should've said something,

should've spoken up.

We all waited for someone else

to say something. I'm to blame too.

I was also a coward.

I was waiting for someone else

to speak up, and no one did.

That's how the Holocaust started,

same way.

Everybody was like,

"Tell 'em you like the Jews."

Like, "You tell 'em you like the Jews.

They seem pretty strong on this."

And we let them take it.

And to be clear, just so you know,

I get it about the *-word and the F-word.

We're not talking about those,

only talking about "Ret*rded."

The *-word and the F-word had to go.

But they're gone now.

They've been arrested.

The *-word and the F-word

are safely behind bars,

they're never getting paroled.

But "Ret*rded,"

that was a marijuana arrest.

We gotta correct these flimsy convictions.

We just want to say it to our friends.

It's actually a very positive word,

you know?

Your friend falls?

Like, "Ha, you're Ret*rded."

Like, "I know!" You know.

[mutters jovially]

We just want to say it to our friends.

And also about our enemies as well.

And also about people

with Down's syndrome.

Yeah, I want it all the way back.

No compromise.

It never should have left.

All the way back. All the way back.

Pre-'80s "Ret*rded" rules.

Never shoulda left. Again, I get it

about the *-word and the F-word.

But they're gone.

Nobody's saying the *-word anymore.

You're f*cking nuts.

And the F-word, that's only

for text messages to friends.

[chuckles]

You gotta give us "Ret*rded."

And I hope I'm getting through

to you guys, I really do.

I know I have

a lot of messages here today,

but I hope I'm getting through.

I know some of you

are already using "Ret*rded."

You keep going. Feel seen.

Some of you were never gonna

say "Ret*rded," still not going to.

That's fine, you don't have to.

More for us.

And still others of you are on the fence,

now you're gonna be emboldened after this

to go out and use "Ret*rded."

Let me tell you what you're in store for.

I'm gonna tell you your future.

You're gonna be met

with some level of resistance.

Yeah, not everybody's onboard

with this message.

Not everybody out there

was at this rally today.

[laughs]

You're gonna feel some backlash for sure.

You're gonna go out there in Georgetown

to some f*cking cool part of town.

You're gonna-- Your bartender's gonna be

a 29-year-old first-year graduate

of a sociology degree, with blue hair.

[laughs] You know. You know.

You can picture it. Spacers. You know.

You're gonna order a beer, she's gonna

bring you a Truly for no reason at all,

'cause this--

this f*cking generation doesn't listen.

Whatever, you're not gonna

make a big stink.

You go get it, your finger's gonna hit it,

spill it, "Aw, f*ck!"

You pick it up. "I'm f*cking Ret*rded."

She's gonna go, "Wha-- What did you say?"

You go, "No, no, you're not Ret*rded.

I'm the ret*rd."

"You're fine. I'm Ret*rded."

She's gonna go, "Stop saying that!"

You're gonna tell her. "We're allowed.

Ari Shaffir said we could."

[scattered cheers]

Yeah.

[audience cheers and applauds]

Well...

Hold on.

'Cause she's gonna say,

"I don't know who the f*ck that is."

"Who's Ari Shaffir?" [laughs]

You're gonna say, "He's a comedian."

"He's the least successful

of all of his friends."

[laughs]

"And he said we could say 'Ret*rded'

as much as we want."

She says, "Why do you think that's okay?"

You tell her why it's always been okay,

since they first took it away

in grade school.

This is what you tell her.

If she looks away, grab silverware,

put it in your pocket,

and you look her right back in the face.

Not you, Black people, not you.

But any white person.

Any white person, you take

that silverware, and you tell her this.

This is why it's okay to say "Ret*rded."

The only reason it's ever been.

They don't mind.

They don't mind.

We're fighting a fight

for people who don't care.

You gotta ask them. I've asked.

It's been awhile, but I have asked.

They don't mind.

I've talked to Black people

about the *-word.

They do mind.

Pretty much 100% of the Black people

I've polled on the subject

say, "No, not a fan of the word."

"You can stop asking.

I'm not gonna switch up on this."

But ask someone with Down's syndrome

about "Ret*rded," they'll tell you.

I have asked. It has been a while,

it was high school, but I did ask.

It still applies.

It was, uh-- It was over a summer.

Two years in high school,

I worked at a special needs camp

in Montgomery County.

And, uh, yeah, all jokes aside,

I don't know if you guys ever met

anybody with Down's syndrome,

but they f*cking-- they're the best.

They rule. They're f*cking awesome.

Yeah, maybe you have.

[cheering]

They just like fill your life

with, like, light.

They're just, like, fun,

they're always in a good mood.

Eh, well, actually, that's not true,

but like...

Yeah, that's--

Dude, when they're in a bad mood,

f*cking somebody's getting bit.

[laughs] They fight like Bruce Lee.

They f*cking-- Any weapon possible.

But generally that was at home.

At camp, they were in a good mood.

And I had my crew, my favorites, you know?

We'd talk about sports, wrestling only.

Uh...

Yeah, they'd point out chicks they like

with big t*ts.

They were great at that, dude.

They were great at that.

I'd be writing, they'd be like, "Ari."

"Not now, I'm doing paperwork."

Like, "Ari!" I'm like, "What?"

"Yep, you were right to interrupt me.

She does have big t*ts."

Congrats, that's a good one.

They woulda loved you.

They woulda f*cking loved you, lady.

They would've f*cking loved you.

And I had my favorites, and I asked

one of 'em once. I asked David.

David, uh, Ginsberg, I think his name was.

I asked him. "David,

everybody's talking about this in school,

but I haven't heard anybody asking you."

"How do you feel? How do you feel

about the word 'Ret*rded'?"

And he said... [grunts]

[laughs]

I'm so--

[laughs] I'm real--

I'm s-- I'm sorry, everybody, I'm really--

[laughs] I'm really sorry.

I really-- I'm sorry.

[crowd cheers]

I'm sorry.

I know. I'm sorry.

I really-- I wish I wasn't like this.

I really do.

[laughs]

You ever look ahead in your life,

like five years in the future,

and looking back on the present?

Like yourself looking back to right now?

I'm a Walmart greeter.

[laughs] Someone's like,

"You used to be a comedian?"

I'm like, "Yeah." Like, "What happened?"

Like, "I flew too close to the sun."

I guess that brings us

to stand-up comedy too.

People get-- That's a weird thing

about focusing on positives.

People say, uh, stand-up is, uh--

You can't say anything anymore.

You've heard 'em.

Who's been to a comedy show before?

- [cheering]

- Yeah, a lot of you. A lot of you. Nice.

Nice. It's more popular than ever,

and people are like all negative about it.

"You can't say anything anymore."

Not true. It's more popu--

Look how big a f*cking room I'm playing

on a f*cking--

- You know, I've never done this before.

- [cheering]

It's wild. I shouldn't be able to do this.

It's more popular than ever.

It's in a great place.

But because it's more popular,

it gets exposed to people

who really shouldn't hear about it.

And it's a massive source of negativity

to a lot of dorks.

Our joy is their hatred.

You know? And they get f*cking mad.

You follow it, right?

They get mad at stand-ups.

They get mad at jokes.

They got mad--

They got mad at Dave Chappelle.

Dave Chappelle, one of,

if not the greatest stand-up of all time.

- [cheering]

- Yeah.

They got mad at him.

And not just for-- not just for telling

the same jokes in three straight specials.

No, it had nothing to do with that.

It's-- It's 'cause he didn't

handle every subject

with the proper amount of respect.

But at this point, now, everybody's been

to at least one show, now.

And you know respect has nothing to do

with what we're doing here.

It's not a metric in any way.

What do you want Dave Chappelle to do?

Come out and be like,

"Hey, you know trans people?"

"They're all right."

[mic taps]

[mic continues tapping]

[chuckles]

That's another thing, that trans issue.

That's a f*cking wild one, huh?

Everybody's writing about it,

and literally 18 people

in the whole country actually give a f*ck.

And we, the rest of us

have to hear about it.

"Oh, which bathroom will they use?"

f*ck it, most of them are onies anyway.

A bigger issue with bathrooms

they never write about,

people f*cking using it

and staying in there to use their phone

while there's a f*cking line!

I don't care if you got a d*ck or a p*ssy,

go out there to use your f*cking phone!

f*ck, I'm sorry,

I'm getting caught up in the negative now.

I gotta f*cking switch.

I gotta switch, I gotta switch.

What's a positive? Okay. I got it.

Here's a positive about having to hear

about the "trans issue"

for the last f*cking seven

straight f*cking years.

Here's a positive. Well,

now regular g*y people

have to shut the f*ck up.

Yeah, you're not special anymore,

regular gays.

[in sing-song] Ha, ha, one of us.

One of us! Remember we were little

and it meant something to be g*y?

Not anymore, h*m*!

Back of the line!

You're like...

[sarcastically] "Oh, you're g*y? Wow."

"That must be so hard for you."

"In 2024 in a major metropolis? Wow!"

"Oh, you came out of the closet in 2019?"

"Wow."

[normally] "No, I've also suffered."

"I'm a survivor of Lasik eye surgery,

so I get it."

Eat dicks, shut up.

Tra-- They asked me about that trans stuff

in an interview once. I do interviews.

[chuckles] Yeah.

I'm a public figure.

[laughs] Yeah. And they asked me about--

Have you guys ever heard

of the trans swimmer?

- [audience] Yeah.

- Damn.

I had not heard of the whole thing.

She was like, "How do you feel

about the trans swimmer?" And I was like--

I thought it was a Russian weapon.

[laughs] I was like,

"Well, I've been rooting for Ukraine,

but I guess they're f*cked now."

[laughs] She was like,

"I don't think you know what it is."

I was trying to mansplain. "I think

I know what the trans swimmer is."

I'm looking it up,

like, "Okay, I was pretty far off."

If you don't know,

it's not a Russian weapon at all.

It's a trans woman who's a s-- swimmer.

Yeah, the story is, there's a trans woman.

She's, uh, at a university

somewhere in America.

It's not here, I don't think.

And she was swimming on the swim team.

And that-- that's the story.

Yeah. She was doing well.

That part's-- I don't think

that part is the story.

I don't think anybody was like,

"What? She's crushing it?"

I feel like she's doing quite well.

I guess people are pretty upset about it.

And this interviewer asked me.

What a f*cking trap question

to ask a comedian.

I'm not trans,

I don't swim, I'm not in college.

Ask me about something comedy-related.

Ask me what f*cking

Joe Rogan's nuts smell like.

[laughs]

Solid gold!

She asked about the trans--

And I-- I saw a trap when I saw one.

I recognized it.

I was like, "I feel

the same way everybody feels."

She goes, "No, people are--

people are pretty split on this."

I go, "I disagree."

She's like, "How could you disagree

with that part?"

'Cause I've been in this country

a long time,

and I'm just telling you for a fact,

nobody cares

about women's college swimming."

This is a fake story with fake anger

from being on the news too much.

Swimming?

Do you know how many steps removed I am

from caring about female amateur aquatics?

Bro, I don't follow soccer,

the number one sport in the world.

Swimming?! Shut the f*ck up.

People are like, "But she's cheating!"

Oh, well, you should see me

do my taxes then.

You're gonna be very perturbed.

[chuckles] And people who care,

ask them. They're like,

"But she's breaking records."

That's what they all say.

Tell them this

next time anybody tells you that.

"They're breaking records."

Like, okay, tell me then.

What was the old record?

What was the old record you hold so dear

in the women's 200-meter dumb-f*ck stroke?

It's not a real sport, everybody.

I watch ESPN all day and all night.

They've never showed college swimming,

boys or girls.

They show--

They have cornhole championships on ESPN.

That's more of a sport

than f*cking amateur swimming.

Darts, bowling,

the spelling bee is on ESPN!

A sport made entirely

of Indian 12-year-olds.

And honestly, maybe some of you

in here have been upset about it.

You know, look inwards.

If that made you mad, look inwards,

and go, "I should probably

be hiking more often."

f*cking close the laptop and get outside.

I'm not saying

it doesn't matter to anybody,

but if it matters to you,

you should be embarrassed of yourself.

Swimming. It's not even

a f*cking real sport, you guys.

Here's the whole sport of swimming,

in case you didn't know.

Which you don't,

'cause none of you have ever watched it.

Here's the whole sport of swimming.

Can you swim fast?

"Yeah, I can swim really fast."

Like, great. Can you do that, um,

not the best way?

"What do you mean? I was just gonna swim

like that. Like, no? That's the best way."

"You don't want me to swim fast?"

No, swim as fast as you can.

But dumb. Do it dumb.

As fast as you can,

but like you're drowning the whole time.

[chuckles]

[grunts]

[grunts]

[laughs]

And you're mad this one chick

is dominating these dickless b*tches?

[laughs] Who f*cking cares, everybody?

[woman] Yeah!

It's crazy for the news to ask me that.

That's f*cking nuts.

Guys, when I have--

When I sometimes I go out for spicy food,

and after I do,

when I take a dump the next day,

I'll bleed. I'll bleed while I dump.

Yeah. Sometimes just a few drops,

you know? And then sometimes it's a lot.

And I keep wiping,

and it keeps coming and coming.

Sometimes, one, it's over.

But sometimes, it keeps coming and coming.

It won't stop.

And it just won't stop,

and so I have to get on with my day.

So I have to take a wad of toilet paper,

and I bunch it up,

and I shove it up there like a cork.

I cork up my as*h*le

so it soaks it up in there,

and then eventually stops it.

And my friends call it a man-pon.

We shove it up there.

And then I'll walk around with it

until the bleeding stops.

Yeah, otherwise,

it'll bleed into my underwear,

through my underwear and through my pants,

which happened once at jury duty.

It was very embarrassing.

Having a bloody f*cking as*h*le

in f*cking jury duty.

So I have this man-pon.

I'll just walk around.

I don't know when it stops bleeding.

Sometimes, it gets dislodged on its own

through my movements through the day.

It gets dislodged, and it'll work its way

down my jeans, and come out.

I had it lying around my apartment before.

And I have people see it.

"Is that a f*cking wadded up piece

of bloody toilet paper on your floor?"

I go, "Yeah, it is.

It's very embarrassing."

And journalists ask my opinion

on world events.

Stop reading the news.

Here's the deal

with the trans swimmer, guys.

Sports evolve.

I don't know what to tell you.

It's stupid, but like--

It's not comfortable, but it happens.

Everyone's mad. They're like,

"They were in last place last year,

then they got a trans,

and now they're in first place?"

Oh, I wonder what they did?

Get a trans!

That's not the only one!

I live in New York. There's a lot of 'em!

Find one. Go to one

of the trans academies, or whate--

I don't know how to put it.

I don't know where they come from.

Wherever they are.

But like, find where they are.

Start shoving 'em into a lake

until one of them floats,

and then give her a f*cking scholarship.

Maybe I don't understand the whole issue.

Guys, these "focus on positives"

I've been telling you,

I've been-- they've been joke ones, right?

But I legitimately do it all the time.

You can train yourself to do it.

Somebody comes in, "This guy sucks."

I'm like, "Look at his pants. Cool pants."

Just shift the subject away.

They talk about politics, just be--

I dunno, find something

or anything, you know?

You can be one of two people on a date.

You could be, "They sat me

too close to the bathroom."

Or you could be like, "Ooh, they have

real cheese nachos!" [laughs] You know?

Which one do you want to be

in that situation?

You can do it for real.

Politics is a good example.

I know people-- I have a relative

that f*cking hates Donald Trump.

Like, she hates him so much she loves him.

You know people like that?

He's the first person

she thinks about in the morning.

She wakes up like,

"What did he say today?"

Gets on there. And people like--

If I say there's a positive in everything,

she's like,

"There's no positive about Trump."

Say you hate Donald Trump.

What could be the positive there?

Well, legitimately,

he brought women together

in a way I've never seen

before in my lifetime.

Before Donald Trump,

women were the backstabbiest c**ts

in the world to each other.

And now, they're like, "You go, girl."

Like, "No, you go, girl!"

And they all went to Taylor Swift.

I guess that--

that'll bring us to the last--

The final test

of focusing on positive for me.

Was-- Was my grandfather.

My grandfather Ira, he's a--

he's a Holocaust survivor. Yeah.

He was, uh,

in the Bergen-Belsen concentration camp.

They got liberated by the Russian army.

Russians were good guys

for like eight minutes.

[laughs]

And, uh, he's gonna be 103 next year.

- [audience cheers]

- Yeah.

And, uh, my thought was,

like a concentration camp,

that's one of the most horrific,

like, experiences in life.

And I was like,

if I could find a positive in that,

I could for sure find

a positive in anything.

So I wanted to know--

I didn't know how to say it,

but I wanted to know if, like--

if, like, there were any, like,

you know, like, good days

- in the-- in the Bergen-Belsen--

- [woman laughs]

...uh, concentration camp.

All right, all right, all right.

[laughs] Yeah, all right.

No-- All right. Shut up, shut up.

'Cause-- f*ck, whatever.

'Cause my thought process was

they're not all equal days.

There had to be

better and worse days, you know?

Like, if one day was like 59 and raining,

and the next day was like 71 and sunny.

I know

they're all concentration camp days,

but one day is a better day

than the other day.

Guys, I don't know.

You ask.

That's how you find out about life.

So there had to be a better and worse day.

Whatever! So anyway,

so I asked him. I was like, "Zeyde..."

That's how you say "grandfather"

in-- in Yiddish.

I was like, "Zeyde..." I didn't know

how to say it, so I just said it.

I was like, "Zeyde, were there any--"

[sighs] "Were there any good days

in the Bergen-Belsen concentration camp?"

And he-- he goes...

"What the f*ck is wrong with you?"

"I mean, you were already

a disappointment. But now-- Like, what?"

"Did you just ask me

if the Holocaust was a good time?"

And I'm like, "sh*t, sorry.

All right, I don't know. Sorry."

"I'm doing this thing where I work

on positivity. No? I'm sorry."

"My bad, all right, all right.

No? 59 and raining, 71, sunny?"

"No? All right."

And he goes, "Oh, okay.

I see-- I see what you're doing."

"I get it. Well..."

He goes, "All right, maybe

at the very end, there was one good day."

And I go, "Oh, r-- Well, yeah.

When you got liberated."

And he goes, "Oh!"

"Okay, no, two good days then."

[laughs] And I was like,

"What was the other good day?"

And he goes, "All right, well,

we had this guy in there with us,

named, uh-- named Feidelberg."

"Yoni Feidelberg."

And I was like, "Who was he?"

He goes, "He sucked."

[chuckles]

[laughs]

And I was like, "Zeyde, even for me,

this is wild, what you just said."

He goes, "Ari, he didn't deserve

to be in there. None of us deserved to."

"Doesn't mean he didn't suck."

[laughs] I was like, "What?"

And he broke it down for me.

He was like, "Ari, in every social circle,

there's jocks and there's nerds."

"Grade school, high school,

college, and work life,

there's always popular kids

and unpopular kids."

"And the Bergen-Belsen concentration camp

was no different."

"We had very charismatic people in there,

we had scholars, we had professors,

we had very funny people,

intelligent people."

"And then we had Yoni Feidelberg."

"He sucked!"

I was like, "What sucked about him?"

He goes, "The guy was annoying!

He was a close talker, I remember that."

Nobody likes that, that's not new.

"He was always right here talking,

you know those people."

"Take a step back

and he'd slowly come forward."

"And he had this horrible breath."

"I remember that. He had this horrible--

this anorexic breath."

[audience groans]

[laughs]

He goes, "We all had it!

But we knew enough to take a step back."

"Not Feidelberg, he's always blowing

lactic acid right in your mouth."

"And the worst stories.

Always try to one-up people's stories,

but he had worse stories.

He was a one-underer."

"Worst kind of one-upper."

"I remember this one guy from Poland,

he was talking about before the Holocaust,

he goes, 'I won the lottery.' Wow."

"He goes, 'Yeah, I won 10,000 rubles

in a lottery.' That's so cool."

"And Feidelberg was like,

'I found a dollar once.'"

"And we were like, 'Shut up, Feidelberg!'"

"'No one's even talking

to you, sh*t-breath!'"

"He just sucked!

He made the Holocaust worse."

And I was like, "Zeyde, what was--

what was the good day?"

He goes, "Sorry, sorry. I haven't thought

about that guy in so long."

"All right, so one day

I was out doing my chores."

"The Nazis would give me these, like,

these work duties, these tasks to do."

"I think that day I was out,

like, digging a mass grave."

[audience exclaims and groans]

Ah, look it up.

And he goes, "I got back to the barracks,

and everybody was smiling,

in a good mood.

I said, 'What's going on?'"

"'Cause we were hearing rumors

that Russian army was advancing."

"The Nazis were worried about it.

They'd whisper about it, we'd hear them."

"'What's happening? Are the Russians

coming? We getting out of here?'"

"And they were like, 'No, we're not.

No, we're never gonna get out of here.'"

"I was like, 'What's going on then?'"

He goes, "There's this one older Jew."

"He was all broken down and, like, feeble

and he slowly stood up off his bunk."

"And he goes, 'Today...

while you were gone,

they gassed up Feidelberg.'"

"And we all just started

jumping and-- and dancing and singing..."

Hava nagila

"It was something! The Nazis were like,

'You keep it down in there!'"

"But we couldn't.

We couldn't be silenced."

"We were free men that day."

"People were high-fiving.

Some people were too weak to high-five."

"We'd lift their arm for them."

"We'd give them

one last f*cking celebration."

All right, well...

[chuckles] That is a, uh--

That is a room divider.

[chuckles]

Yeah, not everybody--

not everybody's onboard with that.

Some of you liked it.

Some, probably for the wrong reasons.

[chuckles]

And still others of you were--

pretty much hated it.

I could see your aggressive frowns

coming at me.

And just so you know,

this is my advice if you hated that joke,

or any other one,

I would say,

focus on the jokes you did like.

You know, focus on the positives.

Don't leave here,

going "How was the Ari Shaffir show?"

"Well, that one joke, I hated!"

Don't leave with that.

You know? Don't be like,

"LeBron didn't win a lot of years."

Don't be that guy.

And also, this is my final thing I'll say

if you really hated that joke,

just so you know,

it's not me you're mad at.

It's my Holocaust-survivor grandfather

that you hate.

[laughs]

Washington, DC,

you guys have been absolutely great!

[cheering]

Thank you very much, everybody.

[laughs]

Way to hold it together.

This was a real joy for me, everybody.

Thank you very much.

You guys f*cking rule.

It was great to do this back at home.

["Dream Catcher" by the Pinc Louds plays]

Dream, dream, dream, dream

Dream catcher

Dream, dream, dream, dream

Dream catcher

Saw you giving signals from the plate

Movement of your fingers

Made me tingle, made me shake

Sunday shining through your eyes

Caught my little heart

Between your thighs

Right then I knew you were my

Dream, dream, dream, dream

Right then I knew you were my dream

Dream, dream, dream, dream catcher

Dream, dream, dream, dream

Dream, dream, dream, dream

Dream, dream, dream, dream

Dream catcher

Oh how I stalked your hips

Mustard running down, I licked my lips

Foul ball in the air

You jumped into the crowd

And as the umpire yelled "You're out"

I said "I've never felt so proud"

'Cause you're my one and only

Dream, dream, dream, dream

Yes, you're my one and only dream

Dream, dream, dream, dream catcher

Catcher

When darkness creeps into my brain

And I want everyone to die

I grab your jersey

And I squeeze it tight

And drink of it

I love the bitter stink of it

And slowly, I begin to rise

Watch me flashing through the sky

Oh, catch me, catch me as I fly

But will I ever catch your eye, eye?

But as I watch you on the field

Everybody knows

I just want to take you, wake you

I just wanna rip your clothes off

When I watch you on the field

Everybody knows

I just want to take you, wake you

I just wanna rip your clothes off

When I watch you on the field

Everybody knows

I just want to take you, wake you

I just wanna rip your clothes off

When I watch you on the field

Everybody knows

I just want to take you, wake you

I just wanna rip your clothes off

When I watch you on the field

Everybody knows

I just want to take you, wake you

I just wanna rip your clothes

Catcher

Dream, dream, dream, dream

Dream, dream, dream, dream

Dream, dream, dream, dream, dream