04x11 - Moby Sick

[bunniefuu]

♪ If you're looking for me ♪

♪ You better check
under the sea ♪

♪ 'Cause that is where
you'll find me ♪

♪ Underneath the sealab ♪

♪ Underneath the water ♪

♪ Sealab ♪

♪ At the bottom of the sea ♪

[High-pitched squealing]

Ok. Try it now.

Ba da da da da.

Ba da da bee dee bee dee.

Oh, hi, everybody.

Hello there... Whale.
I'm dr. Quinn.

You may call me abelard.

So... Why are you here?

Well, I want you
to k*ll me.

Wh... Why?

Because I have
whale cancer.

[Gasping]

I gotta have that d*ck!

Stormy!
You know...

♪ You know
we gotta have that d*ck ♪

♪ Give me d*ck ♪

Uh-oh. I blew it.

[Applause]

Hey, moby.
Did stacy call?

Oh, I don't know.
I couldn't get to the phone.

No.

[Track laughter]

Oh, cousin d*ck.

♪ gotta have that d*ck ♪

Man, I love that
talking d*ck show.

Yeah, that was me.
To make my lips move,

The producers rubbed
my gums with asbestos.

How'd you get cancer?

Look, I'm sorry you're sick,
but how is this my problem?

Can't you just...
I don't know... Beach
yourself or something?

Hippies.
What?

When I found out
the tumor was inoperable,

I tried to beach myself,

But dumb-a*s hippies
kept trying to save me

By pushing my a*s
back in the ocean.

Man, hippies.
Hate 'em.

I don't know. I'll have
to think about this.

I don't... I don't think
I can just k*ll you.

Hey, hey.
Take your time.

I have about


Of the most intense
pain and suffering

You ever could
possibly imagine.

Ok.

Quinn: this is the most
aggressive strain of whale
cancer I've ever seen.

And totally resistant
to treatment.

Hey, hey, amigo.
What's shaking?

Oh, hey, marco. Hey.

Just trying to figure out
if these cancer...

Hey, marco,
what are you doing?

Quinn, I don't know!

You just ate
whale cancer!

I don't even know
what that means!

I don't know what
this is gonna do to you!

Do to you... Do to you...

You got any o.j.?

Orange juice.
What are you, a g*y?

Well, now,
that's just insensitive.

Take your ba*ls
out of your purse and
step up to flavor...

With whale cancer!

F' yeah!

Whoa!

That's right, kids!

Kick that g*y a*s
orange juice to the curb

And man up to whale cancer!

Wow, that whale
can really flail!

I'm mayor f. Whale,
and I approved this message

For deliciousness.

F' yeah.

F' yeah.

I don't want him
to suffer,

But can I
intentionally
end a life?

I'll k*ll him right now.
Say I won't. Say it.

No, not marco.
The whale.

Is it right
to euthanize him?

If I had a dollar for
every patient I've k*lled...

Wait. Let's say $100...
New bass boat.

I like the bigmouth bass

Out there on the boat
in the reeds.

I put a pig-n-jig on there,
baby, and good night, bass.

You're not, uh...
You're not helping.

Look at it this way...
When that whale dies,

Terminally ill children
can use his organs.

Here is a concept sketch
of what a child would look like

With his gargantuan liver.

See? Right there.
He says the liver
is his best friend.

It better be.

[Laughing]

Oh, krashnu's hooves.

Hey, good news, d*ck.

Hey, hey,
it's abelard.

I solved your problem.

Got a deal on the internet
for this guy.

It's made of wood, see?

So?

So, it floats.

Is it gonna float me
to cancer free island,

The island with no cancer,
or something?

No, no. You're not
getting it.

We transplant
your brain into...

Oh, my god!
All my puppies are in there!

[Whimpering]

♪ Hey, hey
fish, fish ♪

♪ Grant that whale's
dying wish ♪

Hey! Hey!

Save the whale!

Not affiliated with
save the whales.

Euthanize this,
turkeys.

Ownage!

As pandemonium breaks out,

All eyes turn to dr. Quinn,
the whale slayer.

Any thoughts
before the blood...

Ownage!

Nyeah.

Quinn, if you need
any help, pointers,
whatever,

Just hit muktuk or me
on our cellies.

Or you can text us.

You know we have over


Otherwise we'll probably
just be getting drunk

And contemplating suicide

Because our traditional way
of life is slowly vanishing.

Ha ha ha! So holla!

[g*nf*re]

Tonight, on opposing
viewpoints argument show,

Assisted whale suicide.

With the wrong opinion, tornado
shanks, captain of sealab.

With the right opinion, me.

Question:
should the whale be k*lled?

Yes!
No!

Yes!
Uh-uh.

Yes.
No.

Yes.
No.

Physical challenge.

Gianto roboto!

[Speaking japanese]

Gianto roboto!

Gianto roboto!

Well, I tried everything.

Wooden whale,
fighting robots, cheese.

It's just no use,
but you got a big heart, son.

Hell, I bet it's
the size of a volkswagen.

So?

Shush, shush, shush.

Don't try to talk, bub.
Save your strength.

Your suffering is over now.

[g*nsh*t]

Come on, man.
You know, I really
can't feel that at all.

God. You're so brave.

[g*nsh*t]

Please stop that.

I can't believe you'd even
consider k*lling him.

Every life is precious.

I didn't ask
to do this, ok?
He asked me.

It's like if you cure
a whale of cancer,

He can teach other whales
not to have cancer. Understand?

No.

It's like that proverb
about the little wooden boy

Who lived in
a whale's belly.

He believed, and he believed,
and he believed, and then...

You know
what happened, quinn?

He became a real boy!

Right.

And that little boy
grew up to be jesus christ.

It's going to look
like I'm leaving,

But just keep talking.

Aah!

Are you
[bleep]ing me?

Right.

Yeah. That was weird.

F' yeah!

Oh, for the...
Anybody else in there?

Sparks: no.

Dammit, sparks.
Get out here.

Sparks: I'm not in
this episode...

And... I'm not sparks.

So, I know you got
all those hollywood
contacts, right?

Look, i... I haven't been
in hollywood for years, man.

Uh, so I want to run
some fanfic by you,

See if we can
get something going.

I don't even know
none of these people.

Let me paint
a picture for you.

What are you
talking about?

Ok. It's 20 years later.

d*ck has been released
into the wild.

Suddenly, he gets
a panicked telephone call

From the dinosaur with a bow
and arrow in episode 23b...

Remember that one?
Uh...

Now, here's the kicker.
You see, the call...

Look, look...
Is from the future.

Let me stop you there.

Hit me.

Could we get
the black guy
back in here?

Quinn: ok, I've decided.
Let's do this.

Come on.
Get your death on.

Abelard: all right.
Now, check this out.

After I'm gone,
I only ask one thing.

Now, I saw
this real funny video on
the internet, you know,

Where these guys blew up
a whale on the beach.

Everybody was at, you know,
at the whale office...

They thought
it was hilarious.

Now, I must've
forwarded that thing to
my entire address book.

Man, so do that,
if you would, all right?

Blow me up so that
I may die with dignity.

Debbie: if you k*ll this
semi-intelligent creature,

I'll blow us all to hell!

Man, this is
gonna be great!

Debbie, what do you think
you're doing with...

Wait a minute! These readings
show abelard is cancer-free now.

How can this be?
How is this possible?

This doesn't make sense.

By neptune's scepter,
how could that be?

Well, well, come to think
of it, you know what?

Well, I am feeling
a little bett... Aah!

Oh, my god!

F' yeah!

Oh, my god!
What happened?

Ha ha! I ate all
the effing whale cancer, man.

Effing delicious.

Marco, what the [bleep]?

What the f,
indeed, quinn.

What the f, indeed.

Guys? Guys!

Little help here.

What a bunch of idiots.

Uh-oh. I blew it.

Ok. Just give me... Just give me
a bunch of them in a row, ellis.

Ok.

[Gasping]
I gotta have that d*ck!

I gotta have that d*ck!

I gotta have that d*ck!

You know,
gotta have that d*ck!

You know,
gotta have that d*ck!

I gotta have that d*ck!

I gotta have that d*ck!

That's the [bleep]ing loop
that's gonna be brought back

To haunt me
for the rest of my life.

d*ck! d*ck! d*ck!

The joke... It's not even
that good a joke.