03x09 - Chalkboard Jungle

[bunniefuu]

♪ If you're looking for me ♪

♪ You better check
under the sea ♪

♪ 'Cause that is where
you'll find me ♪

♪ Underneath the sea lab ♪

♪ Underneath the water ♪

♪ Sealab ♪

♪ At the bottom of the sea ♪

Now, you sure
you're cool with this?

Yeah. It'll be fun.

Well, now, honey,
don't be afraid

To take a belt to them.

Sock full of oranges
ain't bad, either.

[Laughs]

Go on, woman.
I'll be fine.

Oh, and top desk drawer,

Underneath the scotch,

Pepper spray.

[Humming]

Hey, hey. What's
the good word, doc?

I'm teaching
debbie's class today.

Teaching. The perpetual
end and office
of all things.

Yeah, count me in.

Exsqueeze me?

Dream of mine,
ever since dead poets.

Uh...
carpe diem.

carpe diem...

If I say no,

Are you going to
stand out here

And do that all day?

I ain't got
nothing else to do.

[Sighs]
oh, well, actually...

Uh, no. I got
nothing else to do.

[All talking at once]

Good morning, class.

Students?

Class?

Children?

Shut your [bleep] suckers,

You little
snot-nosed [bleep]s.

Doctor?

Thank you.
Now, who can tell me

What a p-h...

[Laughter]
who did that?

What are you doing in here?

Getting my g.e.d.,
My man.

Admirable endeavor, son.

Stormy, this is fourth grade.

Fourth and fifth mixed.

How did you never
graduate high school?

Well, you know how
standardized testing

Is, like,
racially biased?

Yeah.
You know how you're white?

That doesn't mean I
don't deserve a freakin'
education, ok?

Ever heard of brown
vs. Board of education?

Yes, I've heard of...

plessy vs. Ferguson?

Yes.

marbury vs. Madison?

Yes! Shut up!

What are you having
trouble with?

That stupid
alphabet.

Stupid!
[Laughter]

Oh, I've got
a cereal for that.

You can practice
right in the bowl.

[Buzzing]
today, we're going
to continue with

Ms. Love's lesson plan.

[Munching]

Is that the lesson plan?

Well, it was.

Now it's a*mo.

Bring it on,
old man. Aah!

[Laughter]
hush.

Now, I know ms. Love
doesn't put up with

This nonsense, does she?

Answer the man, fatass.

Captain shanks!
No, sir.

That's right, fatass,

And clean the ham outta
your ears next time.

[Sobbing]
it's true. I do
have ham in my ears.

Captain, that is not
how we talk to...

[Sobbing]

I'm outta here.
I'm gonna go eat
my ear ham.

I'll see you guys later.
[Sobbing]

Now look what you did.

What? Probably the first
exercise he's had

Since the cakewalk.

[Laughter]

Right? Who's with me here?

Like a ham running away
from christmas.

Fatass.
That's inexcusable.

I'm going to go find...
What's the boy's name?

We just call him
fatty, or blobbo.

What's his real name?

Yes, you.

Fatass mcblobbicus.

That's detention for you,
young lady.
[Gasps]

Uh, doc?
What?

Hmm. I'm going to go
find mr. Mcblobbicus.

In the meantime,
pick up from yesterday's lesson.

Oh, let me be in charge!
Ow!

[Laughter]

Hoo-ah! Right
in your a-b-c hole.

Pick up from
yesterday's lesson!

Mmm-mmm-mmm!

Cleopatra knew what
she was talking about.

sh**t, nothing like an a*s' milk

For making you
feel like a woman!

Ahh. I sure hope those
little rats are behaving.

Hell, no.
We ain't gonna parlay.

Dude, you have to parlay.

Not when my siege engines

Are fixing to blow down
the walls of your castle.

You couldn't blow your nose.

What the hell... Heck
are you doing?

Hey, good.
Come here
and be my cowboy.

Oh! Don't!
He has to parlay!

I was only gone for 2 minutes!

Hey, whoa.
Calm down, now.

We just picked up
from yesterday.

Just... What have they
been studying?

Our times tables.

We're up to the sevens.

We're not doing
le morte d'arthur?

No. I don't know
where you got that.

Well, this is
embarrassing. Ahem.

Keep her
in the road, gawain.

Put these desks back.
All right.

Put them all back.

All right,
but I win then.

You didn't even parlay.

I was fixing to fling

Plague-ridden corpses
over your battlements.

Then we'd have seen
who begged for quarter.

Desks. Back.

[Clang]

Someone
pick up that man's arm
and put the desks back.

As per written instructions

From both
production council's office
and standards and practices,

I am enjoying this hookah
in a drug-free way.

[Slurps]

[Giggles and coughs]

Mmm, damn.
That's excellent.

Excellent, nina.

You may be a financial
analyst someday.

Now, who can do 7 times 9
for me? Hmm? 7...

Oh, I don't know,

But pick me.

Ow!
[Laughter]

Hoo-ah!

Captain, if you can't behave...

Hey, shut up.
Come here a second.

I got a little problem
back here.

Whatever it is, it can wait.

No, I don't think
it can, though.

[Sputtering]

I didn't do nothing.
Just fed it and boom.

Darn thing keeled over.

What, this food right here?

No, some gum.

Gum?
And a couple of
seltzer tablets.

Seltzer? You k*lled it.

What's the matter
with roscoe?

[Laughs]
hey, doodle!

Uh, nothing. Nothing.

Roscoe's just taking
a little nap.

Ha ha. Dirt nap.

Regular nap!

And I think we should
all take a nap, ok?

Naptime.

He's not moving.

Doodle, go lay the hell down!

I'm going to get
a new scarlet ibis.

Ha ha.
Good luck.

Well, they're awful
rare.

Ain't you, buddy?

Uh, pretty rare, yeah.
How many you need?

Oh, uh, just one.

One? No sweat.

Oh, thank god.
Can you overnight that?

Overnight?

We wouldn't stay in business
very long like that.

Just a second.
There you go.

Aah!
[Squawk]

Need anything else?

Ah, no.

How about a tiny little
geechie bird?

No, I'm good.

Gary.

Nope. Maybe next time,
kenny.

[Squawking]
no!

[Birds squawking]

Psst. Stormy.
Hey, buddy.

Shh. We don't
talk at naptime.

Does your mat
smell like pee-pee?

Among other things.
[Passes gas]

Ok. Naptime's over.

Hey, kids, look!
Roscoe's alive again!

Yay!
[Indistinct]

Yeah, he's fine.

Did you tell them he was dead?

Well, they've got to learn

Not to feed a bird
seltzer tablets.
Right, kids?

Yay!

And why don't
we do that?

It makes their
tummies explode. Pop.

Aww, it sure does, doodle.
It sure does.

But now they think
someone can die

And then magically
come back to life.

No, they don't.

Kids, who thinks
somebody can die

And then magically
come back to life?

Yay!

That's right.
Nobody ever dies.

What about our mommies
and daddies?

Nope. Not gonna die.

Yay!

Captain, stop it!

What about my
grandpa?

He's old.

Not as old he's gonna be

After he lives
another 10,000 years.

Captain!

Even if he
coughs a lot?

Every time you cough,

That's just god
breathing life into you.

Yay!
[All coughing]

Stop that!
Stop coughing!

That's right.

Fill your lungs with
the precious gift of

Eternal life.
Oof!

Ooh! Work it, baby!

Ooh! Thank you, sir!

Ooh, may I have another?

Yes, that's another one,

But they're making huge advances
in cancer research every day,

So...

What about heart
disease?

Look, fatass,

There's a whole bunch of things
that can k*ll you, but...

Well, how about
a bird beak to
the brainpan?

[Squawk]

Who could answer that for me?

It was for his own good.

Crawl outta
his butt, doodle.

Look, you kids
don't have to worry about

Bad stuff like cancer.

What about progeria?

Nature's cruelest joke.

No! You're all
young and healthy.

You've got many
happy years to live.

What about my
grandpa?

[Sighs]
doodle, from the way
you described his cough,

What I would do is enjoy
the time you have left
with grandpa.

But he's still gonna
live 10,000 years,
right?

Yeah.
Cherish every minute of it.

He likes trains.

Super.

Super! I mean,

I don't know if it's
the drug-free hookah

Or you two fine-a*s
slabs of man,

But baby, ha ha,
I'm on a damn cloud!

Ha ha ha!

More sizzling fajitas?

You know it, baby.

Ooh, and another
frosted brewdog

Wouldn't k*ll me, either.

Yes, that would k*ll you,

But the odds of a k*ller bee
attack are about...

Oh! Oh!
Pick me! I know this!

Oh, shut up.
You don't know anything.

I know you suck at
socratic method.

Kids, listen up.

We're done talking about

All this disease and dying.

What about heaven?

I don't think I'm
allowed to talk about
heaven in class.

Why not?
What's wrong with heaven?

What? No. Nothing.
Heaven's great.

Flying around.
Jamming with zevon.

See, some people
have different beliefs.

Will my grandpa
go to heaven?

Only if he repents
his sinning ways.

Doodle, my man, I can't really
talk about this in class.

Then he's not
going to heaven?

No, I'm sure he...
[Sighs]

Look, you want to know
what I think about all of this,

As a scientist?

Oh, yeah.
Let's hear it, scopes.

And don't stop
until I scream.

Ha... Ow!

Oh, geez. Uh, sorry.

No, honey.
Keep going.

That was a good scream.

A bad scream is more like...

Aah!

No, no, no, no, no.

See, the maggots are just
part of the circle of life, see.

The mommy fly lays her eggs
in mr. Corpse,
and then they eat...

Dude, shut up.

Nobody wants to hear
that nasty mess.

Well, hey, I'm sorry,

But this is what happens
to your body when you die.

You're scaring
these young 'uns.

Kids, who likes my
"live forever" idea?

Yay!
[Indistinct]

And who likes
dr. Frankenquinn's

Nasty old maggot theory?

Booo!

Live forever it is,
then.

Yay!
[Indistinct]

Ok, but let me tell you this.

Life is nasty, brutish,
and short,

And it doesn't come
with a happy ending.

Excuse me?

Well, what part of
"happy ending"

Don't you understand, hmm?

Now, who's up for
some dodge ball?

Yay!
[Indistinct]

Ok, fire it up, stormy.

Aah!

Whoa!

Aah!
Ow!

Aah!
Aah!

Get in there, fatass.
Mix it up.

Untie me!

My eye!
What did you do
to my eye?

These are
brand-new eyes!

Yee-hah!
How's that for a happy ending?

Whoo! Not bad, boys.
Ha ha. Not bad at all.

I'm not saying the earth
moved or anything, ha ha...

But it definitely jiggled.
Ba-dum-bump.

Man: this one goes out to nina.
Ha ha ha.