02x08 - Feast of Alvis

[bunniefuu]

Captain murphy:
on a frosty winter's night,

A wagon appeared at the gates
of fort klugman,

Carrying pioneers
to the frontier.

A young woman in the party
called delia

Was heavy with child.

And though she had journeyed
with the virile young men

For nigh on one year,

None had lain with her,

Though she was comely.

And on this frosty
winter's night,

Young delia's water broke,

Almost freezing her to
the seat of the wagon,

And the pioneers
beseeched the soldiers

To grant them entrance

So that she could give
birth to her child

In the hospital there.

But due to an outbreak
of syphilis among the soldiers,

The hospital was full.

And so there in the stable,

Among the feed and tack
and the... The whatsis,

Delia gave birth to a son
whom she called alvis,

As was her wont.

And since none of the men
in the party were the father,

It was decided among them
that the birth of this child

Must truly be a miracle.

And it was so,
for above the fort,

There suddenly
and miraculously appeared

An awesome and mighty comet.

And so brilliant was its light

That there came from all
the tribes

Which the soldiers had not yet
decimated, shamans.

And they rode upon buffalo
as was their heathen custom,

Bearing gifts... Offerings
of whiskey and firearms.

And when the shamans
saw the child,

They were in awe,

For he glowed
as if bathed in a light

Which was truly
not of this world, so...

Woman: so...

So, does little...
Cody.

Does cody glow
by himself?

No.

Right. So plop him
in there.

I want to fire up
those halogens.

That's dangerous.
Light bulbs are way too hot!

Woman, the swaddling
clothes are asbestos!

Now wrap him up.
Asbestos!

Yeah, and his p*stol's
just a little .22.

Couldn't hurt a flea.

Man: what did I just
this second tell you?

Murphy: oh, come on,
you idiots!

Look, them breakers
ain't rated for this.

Well, cram a penny
in there.

A penny will start a fire.

Look, shamans
wouldn't ride buffaloes

A jillion miles

To see that little
piece of crap comet.

A penny will start a fire.

Would you ride your buffalo
a jillion miles

To see that
piece of crap comet?

Ow.

[Buffalo moos]

Ow.

My buffalo's mean.

Brighter! I want these jerks
quaking at the sight

Just like, uh,
in the book of alvis.

A penny will start a fire.

[Buffalo moos]

Ow.

Do you know anything
about buffaloes?

Ow!

I know enough
not to fool with 'em.

Well, put some a*s bags
on 'em, like in a parade.

And fire up
that sound system.

I want to hear
some freakin' pomp!

[hallelujah chorus music
playing]

Sir, what's the deal
on this flier?

Murphy: yeah!
It's gonna be awesome!

We got the g*ns,
the liquor, the ham.

Just waiting on the a*mo,

Because I really want us
to really remember

What the feast of alvis
was really all about,

'Cause it always
gets so damn...

Ahem... Commercialized.

Ok, but we never do
a big alvistime thing...

Because it's offensive
to non-alvians.

Non-alvians?

Who the hell's
non-alvian?

Only about a third of the crew
is alvian, sir.

Come on, now.
That's just crap, right?

About 20% are sheikra,


And, um...

Blah, blah, blah.

The krebs already had
their alvistime.

The 9 nights of krebula?

Yeah. Nobody
busted their chops.

Because religious tolerance
is a mainstay

Of the sealab charter.

And we had a special menu
for a whole month

For the sheikras' little dealy.

Uh, do you mean
sheikradan?

Whatever.

The sheikras fast
during sheikradan.

Yeah, and we had
tons of leftovers.

Look, I'm an alvian,

Maybe not the best one ever,

Maybe not even fifth best,
but I'm the boss,

And this year,
alvis is in the hizzy.

The hizzy?

Mm-hmm.

Well, your little ham-and-liquor
hootenanny isn't gonna...

It's not a hootenanny.
It's an extravaganza.

Full of pomp!

[Moos]
shut up!

Get in there!
Shut up!

Are you drunk?

Stormy: shut up!

Shut your drunk a*s up!

Stormy: shut up!

Come on. Alvians get
wasted at alvistime.

So quit oppressing us.

Shut up!

What's with all
the alvistime stuff?

We were just asking
the same thing.

No, no, no.
This is totally offensive.

We were just saying
the same thing.

Stormy: shut up!

You shut up, you [bleep].

[Bleep] you!

Stop cussing
in front of baby alvis.

He's a miraculous
miracle incarnate.

Huh huh! Ha.

What's that
supposed to mean?

Parting the rio grande
and a miracle birth?

It's a fairy tale.

Well, here's a...
A non-fairy tale for you.

You're fired.

You can't fire him
based on religious...

How can you worship that guy?

He k*lled a man!

Hey, only for revenge.

"Vengeance is mine,"
quoth alvis.

Then he shot that guy
right in the freakin' face.

He was a drunk
and a criminal!

Blasphemer!

Alvis was the holiest man
ever to slap iron.

He k*lled for your sins.

Most religions think
alvis' love of liquor

And g*ns
and revenge was...

Creepy.

Maybe most religions

Can hash it out in hell
for all eternity.

Alvis will smoke
those b*tches.

Malkans don't
believe in hell.

You're a witch?

Malka's not
about witchcraft.

Nah, no, no.

You're fired.
Get on your broom.

You can't fire someone
based on religious...

Don't let marco catch you
on the way out.

Thoniks freak out
about witches and crap.

Who you calling
thonik?

Back me up here.

I'm surrounded by
tree-hugging alvis haters.

Dr. Quinn and debbie:
I don't hate alvis.

Who told you
I was thonik?

You're a spaniard,
so i...

A spaniard?

Aw, hell.
Now you did it.

A spaniard?!

Hey. h*. Whoa.

I'm not from spain!

In fact, 85% of
spanish-speaking people

In the world
are not from spain!

Look, I don't want to get
into a big thing here.

And all latinos
aren't thonik!

Stormy: shut your
river-styx-lovin' a*s.

Well, what the hell
are you?

[Speaking spanish]

What the hell was that?

Did you just hex me,
you b*stard?

Shut your damn
jibber jabber!

Jibber jabber...

Come here, stormy!

Stormy: I'll beat your
styx drinkin' a*s!

[Crashing, yelling]

Stop that damn
fighting!

You're ruining alvistime
for everybody!

Sir, that's
my whole point.

The feast of alvis
isn't for everybody.

It's only for
a minority of people.

The largest
minority,

But a minority
all the same.

So we feel it's wrong
to force your beliefs

On the non-alvians of...

Eggnog!

What?

What you scrooges need
is some eggnog.

Plenty of liquor and nutmeg.

I'm afraid this is
one problem

That liquor
isn't going to fix.

No, not just liquor.
Come on, it's got nutmeg.

You know, like malcolm x
got high on in prison.

Well, what are
the krebish

Or the sheikra crew
members supposed to do

When they all go
on shift up here?

Hang around with
all the shamans

And buffalo and...

Like a sheikra's
never seen a buffalo?

Now you're
just being r*cist.

Ah, yeah. I knew
you'd play that card.

And what card is that?

You know
what card it is.

Nah. Spell it out
for me!

I'll spell the hell
out of it for you!

Debbie:
captain, stop it.

Now, I want some damn
alvistime spirit in here,

As is befitting
alvis my lord!

Sparks: your lord?

It's a baby
with a freakin' g*n

Cooking over
a floodlight!

Hey, why are you still
here, harry potter?

Man: just give me a damn penny.

[Cody crying]

Yeah, hi, um,
so we're not...

We're not staying.

Sticking around
for the, um,

The pageant,

Uh, but thanks.
Uh, thank you.

Yeah? Well, I hope cody has
fun getting his a*s kicked

Every day of his whole life
with a sissy name like that!

Ok. Um, yeah.
Cody's a girl.

Yeah. And I called
social services...

A girl baby alvis?
That's messed up, lady!

Hey, uh, hey, um...

Which one of you
is captain murphy?

That's murphy
right there.

Happy holidays, sir.

All right,
what do you want?

County health inspector.

Your buffet
tested positive

For fecal matter.

We're gonna have to give
you a little fine there,

But, uh, have
a happy alvistime.

A fine?
Mm-hmm.

A fine!

Hi. Rae pederman,
family services.

Lady, unless
you got a baby alvis

Jammed up your skirt,

Tell your story walking.

Yeah, a baby, mm-hmm.

Did you give a baby a g*n

And then wrap him
in asbestos?

Oh, that. I mean,
I can explain that.

See, on a frosty winter's...
Hoo! Whoa!

Man:
keep them heads down...

This is a summons.

You're to appear
in family court,

Trial part 61...

I'll beat trial part 61's a*s!

Hey, you young'uns get
away from that buffet.

That thing is crawling
with giardia.

You don't want that.

Man: oh, crap,
he's doubling back...

Murphy: stop it now!
Stop it!

It's alvistime!
Have some eggnog...

[Yelling over each other]

Fire!
Fire!

Fire!

I'm trying to commune!
You're ruining the feast!

I told you,
you dumb...

Alvis, damn it!

It's alvistime!

Oof!

Oh, alvis, I've failed you!

I tried to make a nice feast
of alvis,

And it's all turned to crap.

Crap, crap, crap, crap!

[Sobs]

Crap!

Lo then, damn it. Lo.

Whazza...

Why dost thou gnash and weep
and scream "crap"?

Oh, sweet delia! Is it...

Oh, it's you, isn't it?

Alvis!

Bingo.

I was... There was
supposed to be

A big feast

With ham and pomp
and...

Crap screamer,

You are forgetting the true
meaning of alvistime.

I, uh... Huh?

Neither is it ham
nor pomp.

Nay, the true meaning
of alvistime is drinking.

Drinking and revenge.

Well, I got eggnog,
but I don't think

It's enough to get
really loaded.

Crap screamer!

More of a liqueur.

Behold!

It's a miracle!

Truly an alvistime
miracle.

Now drink with me deeply
of the bourbon, scotch, and rye

Until such time
as we are fighting drunk.

Then we shall find,
and beat the asses of,

The non-believers
who ruined my feast.

Especially whoever
crapped the buffet.

No. No, sir,
that was me.

Alvis bless us
every one.

You're damn straight
he does.

Captioning made possible by
warner bros.

Yes, the concussion
could cause you

To hallucinate
and see all kinds...

He was real,
I'm telling you.

We got drunk together.

We were gonna get some revenge
on the friggin' krebs.

What? Have you never
read the book of alvis?

Alvis was
himself a kreb.

What?

Yes, it was the romans
who k*lled him.

So, in truthful fact,

I suppose you should be
angry with the italians.

What kind of mandu crap
are you talking?

Oh, yes, what do I know?

My religion is
only 5,000 years old.

Huh. 5,000 Years of...

Of stupid.

♪ Alvis, my lord, you speak ♪

♪ Pistols blazing ♪

♪ Alvislujah, alvislujah ♪

♪ Alvislujah, alvislujah ♪