01x11 - In the Closet

[bunniefuu]

♪ If you're lookin' for me ♪

♪ You'd better check
Under the sea ♪

♪ 'Cause that is
Where you'll find me ♪

♪ Underneath the Sealab ♪

♪ Underneath the water ♪

♪ Sealab
At the bottom of the sea ♪♪

Look...

I'm... I'm just gonna
lay my cards on the table,

and... maybe you'll think
it sounds crazy...

And who knows? Maybe I am crazy.

But if this is crazy, babe,
I don't want to be sane.

I'm in love with you, Wendy.

Oh, Captain...

For so long, I have quivered

at the thought of your lips

on my crudely drawn mouth.

Hey...

Your strong hands

caressing
my slender wooden body.

Hey, don't talk
like that, you... you sl*t!

But, mm.

When we met,
I was working as a...

Hooker-mop.

Stop it, Buckethead Wendy.

Bedding down every filthy broom
who laid down a peso

for a bristle job.

I warned her.

"WENDY": Save me!
Save me!

He's an animal.

What the hell are you two doing?

You know I didn't mean it, baby.

Whoa, man.

I was starting to lose it there.

Hey, the door's broken.

We've been trapped in here

for three days.

It's not broken.

You just press the...

No, no, no!

You idiot.

You just press the...

You just...

The door's broken.

Uh...

Oh, what the hell?

[YELLS IN SPANISH]

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Stop yelling, okay?

You're just sucking up
all the air.

Don't tell me what to yell
or not yell.

Oh, jeez!

Horse nostrils,

slurping up
all the precious oxygen.

Sparks, get ahold of yourself.

[HYPERVENTILATING]
Claustrophobic.

Not... getting...
enough...

I warned him.

Damn. He's out cold.

Yeah.

Hey, you know,

you throw a pretty good punch,
captain.

Well, there were
a lot of bullies

in my neighborhood
when I was a kid.

Your dad got you boxing lessons?

No. No, I...

just got beat up a lot, so...

now when I get the chance,

I like to sucker-punch people.

Yeah.

Hey, the, uh, repair grid says
this door's broken.

MARCO:
All right, man.

Is that right?

You really saved...

What'd you do that for?

Oh, look,
we've been through all that.

Get away, kitty.

The point is,
once his buddies find out,

they'll be on me
like stink on rice.

Got it?
We've got to cover this up.

MARCO: Wait!
Don't close the...

door.

Come on. We've got
to make it look

like he fell or something.

It looks like he fell.

Yeah, right. Okay.

Uh, help me strip him.

We'll take some
blackmail photos.

That's how we got Dad
to quit drinking.

What are you gonna do?

Pose him with Buckethead Wendy?

You b*stard.

Ah. Ow.

Okay, that's got to stop.

Jeez, your chin's like a rock.

Yeah.

Okay, listen,

once this guy
doesn't report back,

someone's
gonna come looking for him.

I'm gonna catch some Zs.

CAPTAIN: Seriously, I think
my hand's broken.

Good night, sir.

[THUMP]

Hey, damn it.

Wasn't me.

That does it.

[PUNCHES BEING THROWN]

[MARCO CHUCKLES]

Nighty-night, sir.

DEBBIE: Come on,
I want to show you something.

QUINN:
What? A box?

[GIGGLES]

You could say that.

Mm-hmm.

[GIGGLING]
Shh.

Shut the door.
Shut the door.

DEBBIE:
Now, then, where were we?

QUINN: Ooh. Turn on
the light, girl.

No.
I kind of like it better off.

Well, now, how are we supposed

to get supplies in the dark?

Oh, I think I found
what I'm looking for.

[UNZIPPING]

Ooh, ooh, ooh, girl.
Girl, you are so bad. Mm.

Mm. Guess this really is
the tool closet.

[LAUGHING]

MARCO: Hey!

[GASPING]

MARCO:
What the hell's
going on here?

Marco?
Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.

Quinn don't swing
like that, baby.

Shut up.

[PUNCH BEING THROWN]

What are you two doing in here?

Uh...
getting supplies.

What are you doing in here?

We were trapped.

Oh, why did you shut the door?

I simply will not stand here

and listen to a bunch
of foul-mouthed innuendo.

What?
Yeah,

and I...

I was looking for this, so...

now I'll just be on my way.

The door's broken.

QUINN:
The door's broken.

Look, my break's only an hour,
so if you don't...

Oh, my God.
Who beat up all these people?

Oh, uh...

That. Well, uh, they got
into a fight,

and you know,
I tried to stop it.

Yeah, but they
overpowered me. See?

Uh, that one guy over there,

he has, like, a big hammer.

Yeah, a big hammer,

and then I guess they must have
beat each other unconscious,

because, uh...

I don't know.

I was asleep already.

Murphy did it.

Nice.
Really believable.

Well, I couldn't come up
with a smooth one

like "getting supplies."

Yeah, you know.

You were supplying
that booty, weren't you?

Oh, you know it.
Isn't that right?

[LAUGHING]

Oh, yeah, baby.

Girl's a freak,
know what I'm saying?

Freaky-deaky.

Whoo!

Hey.

I'm standing right here.

[CLEARING THROAT]
Sorry, baby.

Buckethead Wendy?

Is that you?

Captain?

Oh, um, you're awake.

Hey, who hit me?

Uh... beard guy.

Oh, yeah?
Yeah, but...

[PUNCHING]

Sir?

How do you like me now,

Chinstrap?

How do you like that, huh?

Sir? Sir?

I warned him.

The important thing is,
Quinn's here now,

and he's gonna think of a way

to get us out of here.

Get your manhooks off my lady.

Why did you do that?

What'd you expect?

All tarted up like that,
you're just asking for it.

Don't be a tr*mp
like Debbie, for... Ow!

Man, I've really got
to get out of here.

Hey, Sparks.
Ouch.

Que pasa?
Nice eye.

There's not enough
air in here for...

Oh, my face.

Oh, yeah.

My lungs are imploding!

[THUNK]

Oh, you're awake.
Excellent.

When old guy hit me...

Fix away.

I got might think a concussion.
Waiting on you.

Now cause remember
I can't fix stuff.

Oh, great.
Now what?

I gonna lay down back,

because our concussion
have me sleepy.

[THUNK]

[THUNK]

Can't fix it lying down, baby.

Let's go.

[MUMBLING] Oh, I tell you,
when I see Murphy, man,

I'm gonna get at him, man.
Murphy gonna mess...

Oh.

Yeah, that's right, punk.

Hey, should beard guy

be asleep with a concussion?

No. Absolutely not.

Wake him up.

No, no, no, no.

Let him sleep.

He'll need a lot less air.

He might die, idiot.

Then he'll need a lot less.

BEARD GUY:
Not asleep yet.

Shut up.
Shut up.
Shut up. Shut up.

Okay.

Quinn, you got
a big, fat brain...

Huh...

so think us up
a way out of here,

would you?

All right, first off,

what do we have on hand
that we could use...

Fire!

Let's start a fire
so the smoke detector goes off,

and then we get rescued
and we can breathe.

I saw a gas can
in here somewhere.

Who's got a lighter?

Yeah, you know,

we probably won't even have time
to die of smoke inhalation

before those oxygen tanks
explode

and blow us through the roof.

Great idea!

We'll use the oxygen tanks

to blow us out of here.

Come on, people.

You know Sealab
is prone to massive explosions.

Yeah, this place

is a freaking b*mb on stilts.

You know, if I
had a nickel for...

Oh, my God!
I'm claustrophobic!

We got to get out of here!

[THWACK]

I got a plan.

CAPTAIN: Okay, I'm gonna
need this, gonna need that,

gonna need a little...

Okay, how about this one?

This is a bent nail.
That means good luck.

Now, duct tape wouldn't hurt.

[POWER TOOL STARTS UP]

Anybody...
Hello, duct tape?

You go right here. Oh, yeah.

[TAPE RIPPING]

All right, then.

We got the lovely
Wendy here to sing

her irresistible siren song

and lure unwitting mariners

into the closet.

Then we Shanghai them

and make them think of a plan.

Um...

I'm just gonna use
beard guy's tools,

and bypass the circuit.

Well, why don't you
just shout down

every suggestion I come up with?

Why don't you call
Bruce Springsteen

and tell him to get
another nickname,

since you're already The Boss?

Huh?

Why don't you do that?

Yeah.

I'm gonna go fix the door now.

Who's Bruce Springsteen?

Who's Bruce...

Man, you people.

Bunch of philistines.

I put that over here,
put the red thing here.

Okay, uh...

Come on, already.

I'm... I'm running on
CO2 here, okay?

And we really should have

some plants in this room.

Would you shut up?

Oh, yeah.

God forbid anybody speak

while the mighty Quinn
is doing his plan.

No... you don't want to incur
the wrath of Quinn.

Thou shalt have no other gods

before Quinn.

Mighty Quinn.

Big Quinn.

Quinn is...

Do you want this door open
or not?

I do.

Okay, then.

Okay, then.

[BARKING AND GROWLING]

SPARKS:
Nice doggy.

Hurry, Quinn!
Shut it! Shut it!

Dios mío.
What the hell was that?

Where did all those
dogs come from?

Oh. Yeah, now
I remember.

Remember what?

Uh, well,

you know how some people
rescue greyhounds?

I mean, from the track?

Those weren't
any damn greyhounds.

No, I don't like greyhounds...

Too pointy...

So I rescued some fighting dogs

from Guatemala.

What?

Yeah. Yeah.
Tough b*stards too.

Real K*llers.

What the hell
were you thinking, man?

[THWACK]

Anyhoo, I came down here

to get them some food.

They haven't been fed
in three days?

Uh, more like 10.

I... kept
forgetting.

We're trapped in here!

Yes.

Yes, we are,

but it could be worse.

How?

How could it possibly be

any freaking worse?

We could be out there...
like Stormy.

[BARKING]

[GROWLING,
RIPPING]

[GNAWING, CHOMPING]

Do you want the moustache
on or off?

Too bad.