01x07 - Little Orphan Angry

[bunniefuu]

♪ If you're lookin' for me ♪

♪ You'd better check
Under the sea ♪

♪ 'Cause that is where
You'll find me ♪

♪ Underneath the sealab ♪

♪ Underneath the water ♪

♪ Sealab
At the bottom of the sea ♪♪

No, I got him set up in Pod Six.

That way he's close
to med-lab...

[SNIFFLES]

in case he needs a doctor.

What's he got?

It's not a liver disease, is it?

I don't know.

I just know he's dying inside.

Oh, cara mia.

It's so very sad.

Because healthy teen liver
equals mo-ney!

I got a distributor in Dublin.

He's paying top punt
for new livers.

To think he's only got
a few weeks to live.

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

What are you blubbering about?

Remember Griffin?
The little sick boy?

From the Final Request
Foundation?

Final what?

The Final Request Foundation.

The charity that sends
terminally ill children on to...

A dying kid?
Oh, man!

Is it the plague?
No, it's...

It's the plague,
isn't it?
No, it's...

It'll spread like wildfire!

Oh, we're doomed!

[SIGHS]

No. It's not contagious,
but he is dying.

So we must do all we can
to make him happy.

[SNIFFLING]
Yes. Happy.

Okay, I'll...
I'll go

put some cedar chips
in the dumpster

for him to sleep on.

You must be Griffin.

Welcome to Sealab, mi amigo.

Boy, are we gonna
have great fun.

I hope you brought
a big bag of smiles.

[SPEAKS WITH BRITISH ACCENT]
Okay. Thank you, sir.

[COUGHING]

Oh... Oh...

Hey, little dying guy.
You like swimming?

Afraid not, sir.

My incredibly rare disease
makes it far too dangerous.

That's great,

because we're gonna be doing
lots of swimming.

Stormy, shut up.

And Griff, meet Oliver,

your special Sealab buddy.

[BRITISH ACCENT] Right.

I'll just show you
up to your room.

Griff, was it?

Attention, all personnel.

The Black Death is coming.

The Black Death is coming.

The great pestilence
is finally upon us.

Repent.

Repent!

"Grifting" Griff McGuire!

I haven't seen you

since the orphanage burned down.

I thought that can of petrol
was gonna blow up in my hand!

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Oh, and the nuns were burning.

Oh, good times.

So, what's all this "dying" rot?

Pure genius.

I pretend I'm terminal,

and those saps at Final Request
send me anywhere in the world.

It's cushier
than being the Pope.

Oh, that's brilliant,

but if you're dead...

Aliases, mate,
and different diseases.

Here's one of my faves.

[WITH ARTIFICIAL VOICE BOX]
Second-hand smoke

made me sick inside.

Oh, yeah.
Throat cancer.

It's the biggest con
since Genghis.

Traveling's brilliant.

I met the Justice League,
went to Dollywood...

And now Sealab!

I smell an angle.

Smack on, Ollie.

I need Sealab's
powerful off-shore computers,

because I have got
complete access

to the Foundation's
online bank accounts.

Ka-ching!

[BEEPING]

Their entire fortune

is now hidden
in my numbered Swiss account,

just like the Nazis.

Ich bin impressed!

Yeah, O'Reilly.

As soon as he kicks, okay?

Don't sweat it,

because everything on this end

is prepped...
for the harvest.

Hee-ah, daddy-o.
Faith and begorra!

Sure, and we're praying
for a bumper crop.

Now, uh, what about
the wee lad's gall bladder?

Sorry, Paddy.

I'm pickling that
for my Thai guy.

Aphrodisiac.

Oh, the heathens.

Sparks. Big idea.
Pizza party for Griff.

Everybody gets to make-a
their own-a pizza pie.

Choose their own toppings.

Oh,
and I'll put on a puppet show.

Aah!

Aah! What
are you doing?

You looked at the sick kid.

You're probably teeming
with plague juice.

Now, strip down,

and let me get to your buboes.

And you simply must
go to Dollywood.

It's the coolest
place I've ever...

Hey, are you the dying kid?

Uh, I, uh, I, uh, uh, I...

You stutter too?
Could you have worse luck?

Well, at least you won't have

to deal with it in high school.

Anyhoo, you're signed up
to go diving

before you, um, die.

Ciao.

Crikey!

She was absolutely poured
into that wetsuit.

Yeah, she's a real
juicy little pudding.

Oh!

We're right above Sealab
now, Mr. Brock.

Uh, you're sure Final Request

is gonna pay
for all this, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And that Griffin punk
is really gonna pay.

Nobody, and I mean nobody,

gets a free ride

on the Final Request Foundation.

Unless they're
actually dying, right?

Oh, he's gonna die.

[LAUGHS MANIACALLY]

[GRUNTS]

GRIFFIN: Crikey!

Is it always
so bleedin' cold in here?

That, my sick little non-friend,

is probably just

the cold, stale breath
of the Reaper

blowing down your neck.

Beg your pardon, sir?

The Plague, boy!

Yersinia pestis!

You're riddled with it!

I bet your lymph nodes
are as big as cats!

I-I don't have
bubonic plague, sir.

Yeah, you twit.

He ain't even sick.

It's a con.

A con?

Yes, sir.

I'm grifting Final Request.

Are you gonna turn me in
or what?

Ah, screw those jerks.

Plus, you know,
I love scaring the crew.

Say, who's up for a ride
in the Murph-Mobile, huh?

Um...

No, thanks.

I'm good.

Sweet! Ah, you're
gonna love it.

Whee!

[LAUGHING]

Is this great or what?

Shouldn't we slow down?

Probably!

Whoa!

[BRAKES SCREECHING]

[CRASHING]

GRIFFIN: Ow!

I think my ankle's broken!

CAPTAIN: Get your arm
out of there, boy.

You got the drive shaft
all gibbered!

GRIFFIN:
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

OLIVER: Hey, you're
k*lling him, you stupid git.

CAPTAIN: Hold on.
I got an idea.

[GEARS GRINDING]

[REVVING]

[GRIFFIN SCREAMING]

[SCREAMING CONTINUES]

[ENGINE CUTS OFF]

That's got her.

I'm gonna sue your
bleeding head off.

Hey.
Hey, hey, son.

That's no way to talk
to somebody who...

could, uh...
turn you in for fraud.

You win this round, old man.

Duh!

[STARTS ENGINE]

GRIFFIN: That Murphy's
a daft old bird,

isn't he?

OLIVER:
Barking.

Hey, there's a rare,
old sea tortoise

lives near here.

Not for long.
Lead on!

I'm coming for you, Griff!

I'm coming for you!

[LAUGHING]

Great shack!

It's Brock,

the accountant
from the Foundation.

He's finally tracked me down.

BROCK:
Come on out, Griff.

It's time for your shot.

Griff!
You've got to do something!

Maybe this'll work.

I learned it from Aquaman

at the Justice League.

NARRATOR:
Using his telekinetic powers,

Griff summons
the vicious moray eel.

What in the...?

Ah!

Aah!

GRIFFIN:
Well, well, well.

If it isn't Brock.

I haven't seen you

since that messy business

in Pigeon Forge.

Griff, you've got to help me.

My... My leg's trapped.

Oh, please...

Just a sec.

I'm drinking in
the irony of it all.

Okay!

Well, whatever you do, don't use

my grenade-tipped
spear g*n down there

to sh**t those rocks up there,
okay? Okay?

Splendid idea.
Splendid.

No. No. I said...

I said don't do that.

Listen, Griff,
I won't tell anybody.

For God's sakes, please.

Hush, hush.

Got any final requests?

Don't k*ll me.

[LAUGHING]

No.

Put him out of my misery,

would you?

BROCK: I got a wife
and 18 kids!

No!

[LAUGHING]

OLIVER: Oh, Brock,
we hardly knew you...

you dead b*stard.

That was close.

Time to fold up shop, Ollie.

Can you help me fake my death?

Here's the plan.

[WHISPERING]

Oh!

Ollie!

So long, old chum.

[CHUCKLES]

"Chum."

And can you round up
a piñata somewhere?

For the pizza party.

Yeah.
Yeah, a piñata,

full of treats.

Well...

Where the heck am I supposed
to find all this stuff?

Well, swipe it
from those jerks in Pod Six.

Hey.
Griff's dead.

What?

Who?

He... He's gone?

Yeah.
A big shark gobbled him up.

Just chomped him gobbled.

What?

Hey, uh, are there
any major organs left?

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

He was so full of life and...

and disease too...

But, oh!

I loved him so much!

Oh, Griff!
What a tragedy!

Oh, please, Marco.

Will you just
shut your cry-hole?

Oh...

And I kind of had my heart set

on that pizza party.

[SNIFFLES]
Well...

We do have all the fixings.

Yay!
Yay!

[♪♪♪]

CAPTAIN:
I'll bet your lymph nodes
are as big as cats!