01x02 - I, Robot

[bunniefuu]

♪ If you're lookin' for me ♪

♪ You'd better check
Under the sea ♪

♪ 'Cause that is where
You'll find me ♪

♪ Underneath the sealab ♪

♪ Underneath the water ♪

♪ Sealab
At the bottom of the sea ♪♪

Get some slack in this line!

LAB ALARM:
Danger! Leak detected!

Danger! Leak detected!

Controversy continued on Monday,

as surgeons
successfully transplanted

little Django's brain into...

a robot monkey body.

Scientists now say

human-to-robot brain transplants

will be possible
within 10 years.

On a sad note, however,

Django died late Tuesday,
after drinking his own urine.

Oh, wait!
This just in...

[ALARM SOUNDING]

Sealab has sustained...

major damage
from Hurricane Merrell...

a... a collision

with a surface ship, apparently.

Uh, major leaks,
implosion imminent...

rescue impossible.

My God.

Say, Skip...

They're trapped down there.

What do you think about
all this robot stuff?

Well, good Lord!
Are we under attack?

No. That robot monkey
on the news.

You're kidding.

That guy's a robot monkey?

No.

But, would you ever put
your brain in a robot body?

Why?

I like my body.

I love my body.

Well, you'd never
get old, or sick.

Why is the alarm going off?

Beats me.

But you know, Skip,

your robot body
would be the perfect man.

LAB ALARM:
Situation critical.

Handsome, strong...

Well, could my robot body
be a, uh, beautiful woman?

Uh... yeah, sure.

Then you'd better believe

I'd put my brain
in a robot's body.

Robot body?

No way!

That goes against
the natural order.

Well, you'd have
the strength of five men.

I got that now.

Not five men.

Five gorillas.

But since you're that strong,

if you try to pet a kitten,

you'd crush it.

Oh, no! Poor kitty.

Yeah.

Would I still have

my rugged Latin features?

You'd look exactly the same.

Not me!

I'm gonna be
an Adrienne Barbeau-bot!

Sir, please.

You look the same,
but you're only five feet tall.

Five feet?

Why so short?
Because...

that's as big as they come.

[ALARM SOUNDS]

Captain!

There's a crack in the hull!

Pod Seven is flooding!

A Barbeau-bot

would weld that leak
with her laser-beam eyes!

You won't have
laser beam eyes, okay?

What about...

X-ray vision?

LAB ALARM:
Situation critical.

Yeah, you'll have that.

Oh, I can't have
laser-beam eyes,

but he gets X-ray vision?

Okay. Everybody gets
X-ray vision.

Yeah, and big chainsaw hands!

Zzzrrrr.

Can I control...

[ALARM SOUNDING]

Can I control my X-ray vision?

So you can look through
people's clothes?

Yeah, but I don't want to see
a bunch of bones and guts.

Just the...[INAUDIBLE]

Huh!

Why else would you have it?

Oh, grody!

I'm gonna have robots
eyeballing my [ALARM SOUND]?

No, you'll have a...

Damn it!

Hang on!

No.

You'll have a cloaking device.

But you have to choose:
X-ray vision, or...

that cloak thing.

Who needs X-ray vision?

They'll beg to show
their [BEEP] to my robot.

Oh, wait.

Hello? We're flooding.

Oh, yeah.
That.

Well, somebody go
find Dr. Quinn.

Marco?
Hmm?

Oh, oh, yeah.
Right. Right.

LAB ALARM:
Pod Seven critical.

The strength of five gorillas
and X-ray vision.

But why so short?

SPARKS:
That's as big
as they come!

I heard you!

But I can chew nails

and sh**t them out
as b*ll*ts, right?

Nails, chains...

you won't have titanium
teeth for nothing.

Nails are like candy to robots.

And we'll eat tires
instead of licorice.

Gah! No, we won't!

Maybe you won't!

LAB ALARM:
Danger. Pod Seven critical.

Dr. Quinn, there's a major leak
in Pod Seven.

Damn!

All right, you seal it off.

I'll get my laser-pack,
and we'll meet...

Hang on a sec.

Would you put your brain
in a robot body?

What?

Because we were talking
upstairs, you know,

just kicking
the old peanut around...

Man, I don't have time for this!

LAB ALARM:
Pod Seven critical.

Don't you hear that?

Pod Seven's gonna implode!

LAB ALARM:
Pod Seven critical.

We'd have X-ray vision

and the strength
of five gorillas!

LAB ALARM:
Pod Seven critical.

Okay. Okay.

So say I put my brain
in a robot body...

and there's a w*r.

Robots versus humans.

What side am I on?

Humans!

You have a human brain.

But, the humans
discriminate against you.

You can't even vote.

We better not have to live
on a reservation.

That would really
chap my caboose.

Yeah, but...

LAB ALARM:
Danger.

Nobody knows you're a robot.

You look the same.

Dogs know.

That's how the humans hunt you.

They're gonna hunt me for sport?

That's why we have
to crush mankind.

So you might as well

get on board for
the big win, Stormy.

Yip-yapping about puttin'
their brains in a robot!

Hey, what about the leak?

Oh, Quinn'll save us.

Quinn always saves us.

Stupid rackem...
I'll tell...

[BOOM]

Damn!

Coming up at 10:00,
explosions rip through Sealab.

We'll have all the details,
plus Chopper Dave!

Hi-oh!

Hey, I've got a few conditions
on this robot thing...

Holy crap!

Did you see that
freaking chopper explode?

I'll only put my brain
in a robot body

if I can put it in a robot cat.

Uh... okay.

But remember, you'll have
the strength of five gorillas.

I know I saw that
freaking chopper.

Why settle for a cat, Hesh?

You could be a robot...

tiger.

No, no, no, no, no, no!

No, no, no!

Absolutamente no.

If I have to be
five feet nothing,

Hesh can't be a tiger.

You're not the boss
of Tiger-bot Hesh!

Then he has to live
in a Robot Zoo!

LAB ALARM:
Danger.

Hear that, Hesh?
The zoo! Hah!

Well, then Hesh will stay human!

Don't expect any mercy
during the Great Robot Wars.

Yeah?

Well, have fun

on the Robot
Reservation, suckers!

We're not gonna honor
those bogus treaties!

Hesh will see you in he...

He's right.

They will screw us.

[GROANING]

LAB ALARM:
Danger.

Listen!

It's time to get serious.

Yeah, enough of this talk.

Let's k*ll a human.

You can't break
Prime Directive Two.

So what are
they gonna do about it?

Let's ask Old Gus.

He'll know.

LAB ALARM:
Danger.

QUINN: Damn!

LAB ALARM:
Pod Seven has imploded.

QUINN:
We just lost Pod Seven!

Bridge, this is Quinn.
Come in.

The penalty...

Come in!
Pod Seven's gone!

You've gotta get everyone
out of Pod Six.

If it goes, they're...

Ah, for the love of...

Sorry, Gus.

The penalty for a robot
harming a human

will be 1000 years...

frozen in carbonite!

A thousand years
frozen in carbonite?

It'll be so cold!

My n*pples are hard
just thinking about it.

Man, I'd k*ll myself.

Hello?

Prime Directive Three.

Damn Prime Directives!

I just don't know

if I want to live
a thousand years...

even as an Adrienne Barbeau-bot
with hard n*pples.

Plus, self-termination?

Hey, I gotta tell you,

it's a sin
in the eyes of the Robot Church.

We don't need Rome
telling us what to do!

LAB ALARM:
Pod Six...

Wait!
Critical.

If we're robots,
we'll have mechanics.

They could shut us down...

permanently.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Your robot body
would go crazy and k*ll them.

With the strength
of five gorillas.

And then it's right back
to the carbonite.

And there go my n*pples again.

And there goes Pod Six.

God, it's so depressing.

What?

Pod Six was jerks.

No. Being trapped in carbonite.

Oh yeah, that.

But what if you get
a brain tumor?

Yeah! A big-a*s tumor!

No. Your robot body's
a brain surgeon.

Oh, that's bunk.

It's not gonna be
a brain surgeon.

If it can't break
the five-foot barrier,

it can't be a brain surgeon.

Yes, it can!

If Hesh can be
a giant Tiger-bot,

what's a little...

Hesh is gonna stay human.

He'll die in the first wave.

Unless...

he's a Tiger-bot already!

It could happen.

LAB ALARM:
Danger.

Danger.

QUINN: Almost died.

But I saved Sealab.

Time to get me some props.

Hey yo!
Hey, everybody!

So check it out.

I know I've only got about,
what, 30 seconds

before Pod Five goes, right...

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey, will my robot body
have hair?

Just on your back,
like you do now.

Gross!

But wait, wait.

What's with robot sex?

Yeah, baby!

Knocking those robot boots!

Go, robot!

Go, robot!

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

I almost died
saving your sorry butts.

Except for Pods Six and Seven.

Shut up!
Y'all make me sick!

All you ever talk about
is robots.

Can they have hair?

Can they have sex?

The answer to these questions

would quite possibly
drive you all insane.

You don't have to
bite my head off.

I'm just asking.

Yeah, who died
and made you robot expert?

Oh, that's it!

Oh, my God!

Ai, mi madre!

Holy bejesus!
He's a robot!

That's right, people.

I...

am a cyborg.

My weak body couldn't deal

with the viruses
of the 21st century.

So, using my IQ of 260...
That's 2-6- "O"...

I built a super-fly,

cybernetic host body
for my brain.

And I became this b*stard child
of science and humanity.

And I'm standing here naked...

but I'm not asking forgiveness,

and I don't want your pity.

I just want your understanding,

your acceptance.

I'm just asking for your...

friendship.

DIRECTOR: Keep changing.
Each one incredibly different.

Okay.

And there go my n*pples again.

Oh, and there go
my n*pples again.

Uh, almost as if

it's the number-one
top movie in the country.

And there go my n*pples again!

Archie says,

"And there go
my n*pples again."

Aw, there go
my n*pples again, there Edith.

[CHUCKLING]

Oh, man. All right.

We gotta get... we gotta go.

We gotta go.
Thank you.

CAPTAIN MURPHY [OVER RADIO]:
I need a towel.