01x29 - The Biggest Luger/An Imposter Is Born

[bunniefuu]

[Beta] Chaos bots
have been sent from the future

to stop the one person
who can save the world.

Me?

- [chorus] ♪ Hey, hey, hey! ♪
- [Hailey] ♪ Hailey's on it! ♪

♪ Teach a cat to play the piano ♪

♪ Roller-skate all the way to Orlando ♪

♪ Use my ear wax? ♪

♪ To make a candle ♪

- [chorus] ♪ Hey, hey, hey! ♪
- [Hailey] ♪ Hailey's on it! ♪

♪ Win first place for
world's cutest pet rock ♪

♪ Do a corn maze
Hope I don't get lost ♪

♪ Eat an onion ♪

♪ Kiss my friend Scott? ♪

- Huh? [grunts]
- [object clatters]

I squished my pickle!

- [chorus] ♪ Hey, hey, hey! ♪
- [Hailey] ♪ Hailey's on it! ♪

- [♪ pleasant music playing]
- [hoots]

- [hoots]
- What?

[♪ intense music playing]

- [screeching]
- Hey, stop following me.

Please! I have a family!

[yells]

Phew! Five thousand pieces.

- [shrieks]
- [gasps]

Open up!

I'm being stalked by a bird of prey!

Maybe we let this play out.

- [gasps]
- [hoots]

[squawking]

Wow, the rare snowy owl,
Bubo Scandiacus.

- It's so majestic.
- Whoa! It just ate a snake.

[hoots]

Well, that took a turn.

Looks like it left a package.

That owl has excellent handwriting.

Yeah, I don't think... Just open it.

[Scott reading]

Hello, Scott Denoga.

It's a pleasure speaking to you.

You're becoming quite a fine young man.

Has this guy been watching me?

Let me introduce myself.

I'm Klaus Gimlet,

headmaster of Ingebretsen Luge Academy.

And you, Scott, are a luge legacy.

- Cool!
- Legacy?

What's luge?

[♪ emphatic music playing]

Everything on Ingebretsen's campus

is designed to maximize
the luger lifestyle.

From our state-of-the-art
training gymnasium

to our five-star spa,
offering restorative massages.

Have to keep those calves limber!

We all know
everyone on Earth wants to be a luger.

I do now!

But few possess the dedication,

the poise, the resilient luger spirit

that runs in your blood.

I'm a luger.

I've been a luger my whole life.

[all] When we compete, we luge!

Those slack-eyed kids
don't sit right with me.

- [hoots]
- Scott, when you turn 18,

a spot in our distinguished
community awaits.

Pending, of course, your run time
at our Invitational Luge Expo.

But knowing your pedigree,
that won't be a problem.

- Come accomplish greatness!
- [hooting]

See you at the Invitational!

[music ends]

You got a personalized
recruitment video for... luge?

I guess so.

I've never even tried it.

But you heard the headmaster dude.

I've been chosen.

Apparently, luging is in my blood,

along with high cholesterol.

Let's try it out!

[♪ upbeat instrumental
rock music playing]

[whooping]

[yelling]

Hey, you're actually
pretty good, I think.

Whoo-hoo!

That was awesome!

That was not awesome.

There will be no l*gers in my house.

Whoa! I haven't seen
your mom this worked up

since her pizza cutter went dull.

It had one job!

Scott, I've never told you this before,

but your father was a luger.

No way.

Dad's an ophthalmologist.

When he picked us up
from school last week,

he got winded telling us about

his latest cataract surgery.

He's no athlete.

[Hailey] That's an understatement.

Mr. Denoga has real indoor vibes.

That's him.
He's an eye doctor over in Carlsbad.

Eddie and Sunny
are divorced but are still close

and do family karaoke on Wednesdays.

But luge?

No way Eddie's a luger!

- [bell dinging]
- No way Dad's a luger.

Sit. You're old enough now.

I'm gonna tell you a cautionary tale.

When Eduardo and I first met,

he was a luger through and through.

- [♪ upbeat music playing]
- He was so cool and carefree.

And I was still trying
to live out my parent's dream

by drowning myself
in boring med school homework.

But Eddie encouraged me
to follow my dream

and become a restaurateur.

Life was perfect.

But one day, tragedy struck.

- He crashed going 90 miles an hour.
- [Eddie grunts]

- [crashes]
- [Scott gasps]

[Sunny] That's not the tragedy.

Eddie broke his legs in ten places!

- [Hailey and Scott gasp]
- That's not the tragedy, either.

The real tragedy
was that in the hospital,

Eddie developed
a deep respect for doctors.

So deep, he decided to go to med school
and become one himself.

That was the tragedy.

Before long, we grew apart.

He was all work and no play.

Eddie even cut off his mullet.

No more business in the front
and party in the back.

Now, it was just all business.

One moment, Eddie was
luging down the track.

The next, he was buying
his own stethoscope.

I don't want that
to happen to you, Scott.

Now, clean this up!

I can't believe
my dad used to be an athlete.

The same dad who gave me
a glaucoma test for my birthday.

Early detection saves eyeballs.

You don't even have eyeballs, Beta.

Scott, I'm sorry your mom
doesn't want you luging,

but it's probably
for the best, you know.

It seems pretty dangerous.

You don't need Ingebretsen Academy.

Oh, I'm going to get into Ingebretsen.

My mom doesn't understand.

Luging's in my blood.

I feel the call to luge!

Parkour!

- [grunts]
- [crashes]

Nailed it!

Do you really think he'll be okay?

Heck, no. That boy's gonna be roadkill.

We might be
rid of this numbskull once and for all.

[chuckles]

Just kidding.

Unless...

Maybe he'll listen
to someone who's been through it.

[Scott] Okay. How big was the werewolf?

And what did it look like?

And did you get
any photographic evidence?

There is no werewolf.

Scott, I brought you here because
there is someone I want you to talk to.

Hey, yo!

Dad? What are you doing here?

Karaoke is tomorrow.

Hailey said
it was important, so I raced through

a corneal transplant
and hauled butt over here.

Not something
you normally want to speed through,

but should be fine.

Scott, your dad has seen
the dangers of luging first hand.

And I wanted you to hear
what he has to say about the sport.

Luge rocks!

See? Wait, what!

Best dang time of my life.

You want to be a luger
like your old man?

Man, I'd be honored
if you filled my shoes.

In fact, you can fill my shoes.

Literally.

You just carry these around?

They're beautiful.

Well, this intervention
is officially off the rails.

[metal clanking]

I can't wait to wear these
in the Ingebretsen Invitational Expo.

You got tapped
for Ingebretsen? Incredible!

Did they send the owl?

- Yeah! It was so...
- [both] ...creepy!

My owl ate a snake!

Mine ate a lizard!

Ah! Good times.

Well, this is fantastic news.

I'd love to help you train.

- [tires screech]
- [car door opens]

Eduardo? What are you doing here?

Karaoke is tomorrow.

Dad's gonna turn me into a luger!

[♪ dramatic music playing]

[laughs] Oh, no.

Nuh-uh. Not happening.

Sunny. Be reasonable.

We always agreed that the kids
could pick their own paths.

Like Becker pursuing
a pyrotechnics degree.

- [fireworks exploding]
- [Becker laughing]

[Becker] Sweet!

And Scott wants to try luging.

Ugh, fine! But I won't be a part of it.

Luging is just a gateway
to a thriving medical career.

Not the tightest logic.

And I can't believe
you'd want that for our boy.

Oh!

Gee, I didn't mean to make waves.

I just wanted to help you
become the biggest luger of all time.

Thanks, Dad.

That means a lot
coming from a luger like you.

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

[♪ upbeat instrumental
rock music playing]

♪ Now is the time ♪

♪ To show the world
you've got what it takes ♪

[Scott yells]

- [cat yowls]
- ♪ That you can get supine ♪

♪ On a tiny sled without any brakes ♪

♪ You better hold tightly ♪

♪ Trust in your psyche ♪

♪ To give you the grip
when it gets icy ♪

♪ You're a luger, whoa ♪

♪ Such a luger! ♪

♪ Whoa-oh-oh! ♪

♪ You can slide the frozen hills ♪

♪ At the highest speed ♪

♪ Whoa-oh-oh! ♪

♪ You're a luger ♪

♪ Whoa-oh-oh! ♪

Bow down!

Luging royalty has arrived.

Eduardo Denoga, an honor.

Scott, today you'll make
an instant name for yourself.

I've invited the best of the best

in the luging world to watch!

Guess we'll have to take
his word for it.

Don't worry, you'll be great.

- Just stay...
- Stay tight on the straightaways

and go easy on the final chicane.

The back end of the course
is a real doozy.

- I know.
- You got this, son.

Good luck, rookie.

I'm gonna win that scholarship

even though I'm rich and don't need it.

But with the money I save on tuition,

I'll buy tons of video games.

Which I already have. [chuckles]

All I need now...

is a friend.

Sunny! You came.

I couldn't stay away.
I love my son too much.

I admit it, Eddie.

You're a good role model.

- Of course. I'm a doctor.
- Don't remind me.

[announcer on speaker]
Next on the track, Scott Denoga!

Le prochain sur la piste, Scott Denoga!

[♪ heroic instrumental music playing]

Whoa!

[yelling and grunting]

[laughs maliciously]

[Scott screaming]

Scott, are you hurt?

I came prepared.

What the heck is this sport?

The ice is so slippery
and it's crazy cold out here.

Did you all know that?

Why do people do this?

You couldn't pay me to try this again.

Oh, no. We are so heartbroken.

I guess if you no longer want to luge,

you should leave our campus now!

What a waste of a Saturday.

Not fun! Not fun at all!

So you don't want to be
a luger, or by extension, a doctor?

Definitely not!

You're not disappointed, are you?

What? You could
never disappoint us, anak.

We'll love you no matter what you do.

But also... yes!

If they want to make luging fun,

they should replace the ice with water

and make it a warm-weather activity.

And scrap the sled.

I think you're describing a water slide.

Yeah! I'd way rather go
to the Waterslide Academy.

Just practicing
my water sliding all day.

Heck, I'd even pay
to do something like that.

[Hailey] And now,
you're describing a water park.

Do you want to just go to a water park?

[Scott] Heck yeah, let's do that!

[♪ upbeat music playing]

Kelci Fyre is such a cool name.

I wish my name was flammable.

You mean, like, "Burning Buffoon"?

Exactly.

[sighs in exasperation]
It's no fun if you like it.

I can't believe
we're this close to pop star royalty.

I feel like we just got here.

Actually, we've been here
almost five hours,

but it's worth it.

"Play My Demo Song for Kelci Fyre"
is number 201 on my list.

♪ I drove in a construction crane ♪

♪ But my telescoping arm
was all in vain ♪

♪ I hydraulic-lifted our love ♪

♪ But the cables got stuck ♪

♪ I gave my all... ♪

[grunting, shrieks]

[groans]

I was seeing double for a week

but it gave me a great idea for a song.

Kelci's gonna love "I'm Seeing Double."

It's inspired...

by an accident with a ceiling fan!

You put your song on a cassette tape?

Those are, like, 30 years old.

Hey, you carry around a pickle
that's old enough to vote.

Plus, on the third track
of her fourth live album,

Kelci says,

"Down with digital,
cassettes are whimsical."

I do love me a slant rhyme.

Kelci will get it.

You'll see.

[♪ upbeat music playing]

Whoa! I mean, wow! I mean, hi!

I'm so nervous. Will you sign my face?

I mean, my shirt.

Sure. That's a nice-looking pen.

You're a nice-looking pen.

Quit while you're ahead, Elliott!

[chuckles]

[sighs contentedly]

[groans] We got a fainter!

Tuli! Clean this up.

Two or three more autographs, Kelci.

- Then we're done here.
- What?

These people have waited for hours.

- My fans deserve...
- Zilch.

We already have their money.

- We gotta stay on schedule.
- [sighs]

This line isn't moving at all.

I know!

Hey, Kelci! Watch this!

- [beeps]
- [♪ Upbeat music playing]

- Whoa!
- [woman gasps]

[grunting]

- [yells]
- [objects clattering]

Well, that was unlucky.

Oh, my gosh. It wasn't me this time!

[eagle screeching]

Not again!

Hey! You okay in there?

[groaning]

- Whoa! You look like me.
- [gasps]

I... I do?

I do!

Hi, I'm Kelci.

I know, dingus!

Oh, my gosh.
Why did I call you a dingus?

I'm Hailey.

[Janica] Kelci, where are you?

Tuli! Find her,
or someone's getting fired!

[♪ dramatic music playing]

Ugh! It's my manager, Janica.

I gotta get out of here.

I know a place
where no one will find you.

Are you kidding me?
An all-you-can-eat tuna buffet?

I love it.

It's so... real.

[sneezes]

I just can't believe
I'm here with Kelci Fyre.

Please, call me by my real name,

Kelsey Fire.

Isn't that the same thing?

They're spelled differently.

I can't believe
I'm sitting here with two Kelci Fyres.

It's crazy how much you two look alike.

Hey, that gives me an idea

that's probably never been done before.

Hailey, would you
want to swap places with me?

I don't know.
I'm kinda used to sitting on this side.

It is nicer here by the window.

No, I mean, be me. And I'll be you.

Just for a few hours.

I really miss being
a regular, boring person like you.

Thank you?

But I mean, sure!
Who wouldn't want to be you?

The fame, the fortune!

- [Beta] The list item!
- Oh, right!

Um, I'd be happy to swap places...

if you'd be willing to listen
to my demo song?

Deal. A real
old-school demo tape on cassette.

So cool!

I always say...

[both] "Down with digital,
cassettes are whimsical!"

And like I always say,

"No matter how you slice it,
it's still lasagna."

I've never heard you say that.

I know. I just wanted to fit in.

Are you sure this is going to work?

Oh, my gosh, it worked!
You look just like me!

Oh! There you are, Kelci.

Where have you been?

Uh...

Meeting my psychic, Scott,

and my stylish friend Hailey.

You have a psychic named Scott?

Oh, wait, that's me.

[softly] Because of the lie.

- Ow!
- Okay, whatever.

As long as we stay
on schedule. Let's go.

Ah! I guess it's just
you and me, real world.

That floor tuna's
not sitting right with me.

[vomiting]

So real.

Come on! It's like you don't
even know where the tour bus is.

Yes, I feel that way, too.

- [gasps]
- [Scott] Whoa.

- [Hailey] It's so huge!
- [Beta] It's yoked!

Kelci, don't be ridiculous.

It's the same size it was yesterday.

[snaps fingers] Tuli!

Check to see if the bus
is the same size as yesterday.

- Whoa!
- [♪ Upbeat music playing]

A hot tub!

Forty different flavors of fro-yo!

Working seat belts!

Man, our school bus
doesn't have any of these things.

- A bear could get used to this.
- [seat vibrating]

Seems rude not to try
all 40 flavors of fro-yo.

[Janica] Guess again.

Today, you have back-to-back meetings,

photo shoots and promos to do.

I guess that's the life
of a pop star. I can't wait!

Thanks, Tuli. I'm ready to do Kelci...

I mean, my signature flip.

So cool.

[♪ pop music playing]

I'm doing it!

[grunts] I can't... stop... doing it!

I live for this peppermint face cream.

I... live for this onion gum.

I live for these flushable wipes.

Flushable wipes?

Do I really live for these?

Guess so.

[photographer] Now, look untouchable,
but also relatable.

And now timeless, but of the moment.

And now you stepped in a puddle,

but maybe you like it.

[shrieks]

[teeth chattering]

Good. Now do it with the flaming batons!

Flaming batons?

[fire flares]

[♪ somber instrumental music playing]

This being a star thing
is a lot harder than I thought.

- [Beta and Scott] Uh-huh.
- Even the fun stuff isn't fun.

[both] Uh-huh.

And sometimes,
dragons fly out of my nose.

- [both] Uh-huh.
- Guys, you're not listening!

Oh! Sorry, Hails.
These VR headsets are incredible.

It's like we're actually swimming
through the lost city of Atlanta.

It's Atlantis, you buffoon.

Stop embarrassing your... [shrieks]

Kelci! Great news.

Nick Jonas broke his tailbone
on a treadmill.

How is that great news?

It means there's an opening to perform
your new song on Oceanside Tonight.

Tonight! But it doesn't sh**t tonight,

it shoots now. So we gotta go.

She... I mean,
I am gonna perform Kelci's...

I mean, my... new song on live TV?

Yes! How much of that
onion gum did you eat?

Let's go!

[cell phone buzzes]

You've got Janica.

Scott! I can't perform on TV!

Good point. TV is a dying medium.

Save your debut for the big screen.

No! I can't do it because I don't know

Kelci Fyre's new song,

because I'm not Kelci Fyre!

Oh, yeah.

Because of the lie.

[line beeping]

Oh! Kelci's phone is off.

She must be enjoying her day. Rude.

Wait! I know where she is!

Beta, can you distract Janica?

I'm a hyper-advanced supercomputer
from 50 years in the future, Hailey.

I always have a foolproof plan.

[beeping]

[cell phone buzzing]

[Beta on phone with accent] Hello.

This is the number-one
trending star on Clik Clok.

You're that cat that plays the tuba?

Uh, yes, I am.

And apparently, I talk now too.

So how about that?

[cash register dings]

[♪ pleasant music playing]

[Scott] I'm not sure
why we're at Cost Whoa!,

but I'm definitely enjoying
these free samples.

Pork pancake?

Yes, but later. I bet Kelci is here.

The title of her fifth track
from her fifth album is

If I Had a Day Off,
I'd Spend It At Cost Whoa!

Kelci has great taste.

Speaking of, should we get a 9-pound bag
of Fugles for only ten bucks?

Canadian flavor!

Kelci!

You know what? I'm gonna get the Fugles.

Otherwise,
we're just leaving money on the table.

Oh, Hailey!

Thanks again for this time.

I've been so relaxed and inspired,

I wrote a few songs.

Plus, I just listened to your demo.

- It's great.
- That's awesome.

And I'm glad you're relaxed,
Kelci, because I am freaking out!

- Chamomile tea?
- Thank you, Scott.

Janica booked me... well, you,
to sing on Oceanside Tonight. Tonight!

Oh, I'd love to do that show,
but I can't.

Janica will nitpick my every move.

She takes all the fun
out of making music.

Then forget Janica.

Do it for you.

You're the artist everyone loves,

and you deserve to be happy.

If Janica can't
deal with that, then get rid of her.

Hmm. Good point.

Thanks, Hailey.

Between the tricked-out
tour bus and this wholesale store,

I'm living my best life! Backflip!

[grunts, groans]

- [♪ pop music playing]
- Well, thank you, Mr. Tuba Cat.

As your new manager, I'll make you
an even bigger star than you are now.

You better!

Also... [hesitates] Meow! Bye!

- [beeps]
- Kelci, where have you been?

- We are...
- Way behind schedule.

I know. But you know what?

I actually took time for me today,

and it reminded me what's important.

My music.

What's your point?

My point is, you're fired...

Mom!

Wait! Janica is your mom?

Fine by me.

I'm onto something way bigger anyway.

I've got a talking cat
that plays tuba on the hook.

So clearly, one of us
is making a big mistake.

[snaps fingers]

See you at dinner, Kelci!

Thanks for your help, Hailey.

Tonight, I'm gonna sing your song,

and I want you to sing it with me.

Wow.

But me? Sing on TV?

If I can stand up to my mom-ager,

then you can sing your song.

And if I can fit


then I can eat them, too.

You know what, Kelci?

Today was incredible,
but it made me realize

that being
regular old Hailey is pretty great.

Sure, being a star is glamorous,
but what really matters

- isn't fame or fortune...
- [♪ Pop music playing]

Dude, our song is starting!

- We gotta go.
- Oh! Right.

[audience cheering]

So let's bring her out.

Someone you all clearly like
more than me, and that's fine.

[chuckles] I'm doing fine.

Uh, Kelci Fyre!

- [audience cheering]
- [♪ Upbeat music playing]

♪ Something's happened ♪

♪ The stars are aligned ♪

♪ It's twice the magic ♪

♪ 'Cause we're two of a kind ♪

♪ Seeing double ♪

♪ With you, I'm stepping out
on the full moon ♪

Twin Kelcis?

[all cheering]

♪ With you, I'm living a double-double
Two pieces of a puzzle ♪

♪ Seeing double ♪

♪ So clear I see it now ♪

[audience cheering]

[gasping] Twin Kelcis! [exclaiming]

[Scott] Oh... I just wanted to fit in!

[Hailey] ♪ The future's in my hands ♪

♪ World's what you make it ♪

♪ Get up and chase it ♪

♪ Leaving nothing to chance ♪

♪ I'm taking action, making it happen ♪

♪ No matter what tomorrow might bring ♪

♪ I got the guts to do anything ♪

♪ The future's in my hands ♪

♪ Promise I'm on it ♪

♪ I'm on it ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪

- [chorus] ♪ Hey, hey, hey! ♪
- [Hailey] ♪ Hailey's on it! ♪