01x25 - When Squeeples Attack/Cool Intentions

[bunniefuu]

[♪ intriguing
instrumental music]

[ringing]

- Yeah!
- [whoops]

Five shots in a row!
Take that, list item
number 75.

You're a natural!

Natural? That took you


- [basketball bouncing]
- Hey hey, Hailey Banks-shot!

- [winces]
- [glass shattering]

[groans]

Thanks for letting us use the
Master Arcade Card
your mom gave you, Becker.

It's so weird,
I still can't figure out
where my card went.

Huh, yeah.

So weird.

But hey, it's time for me
to collect my money.

- Money?
- Whose-a what now?

I know.
Ugh, I hate this part, too!

It's all in the back
of the card.

[Hailey] Terms
are legally binding?

Let's see. 102 games
at a $1.50 a game,

plus sales tax,
state tax, income tax,
and shipping fees...

That means you owe me
an even three hundo!

$300? Are you for serious?

Serious as a bite wound!

Which my snapping turtle,
Mr. Chompers, has been known
to inflict on people

who don't pay me
in a timely fashion.

I'd hate if he chomped you.

You guys are like family.

I am family.

And it's only fair
that until I'm paid back,

I hold onto something
of yours.

- Hey! Not Beta!
- [Becker] Don't worry.

Mr. Chompers will keep him
company. [laughs]

Hoo boy. We need money,
and fast!

Scott. I think we need...

- [♪ dramatic
instrumental music]
- ...jobs.

- Jobs?
- [both groan]

- When.
- [grunts]

Hey mom, could you hire us?

To, like, work?

Honestly, kiddo? I'm looking
to fire, not hire.

- [crashing]
- Darryl!

The ice cream goes
in the cone,
not the other way around!

I'd never pay you
to work for me anyway.

I'd expect you to do that
for free.

You're like family!

I am family. What is this?

Sorry to eavesdrop.
I mean, not in a weird way!

Although, my son
always tells me
I'm a big weirdo.

[chuckles]

You're not a weirdo, Gretchen.

[in strange accent]
How about now?

[laughing]

Anyway, I'm hiring
at my store.

Mind you, they're just
temporary positions.

- Fine by us.
- We only wanna
work temporarily.

Great! Hope I see you there.

Fans Plus? Where have we
heard that before?

Hello, Hailey Banks.

[sighs] Hi, A.C.

Gretchen mentioned
you'd be stopping by.

Hi, g*ng!

- Isn't my sweetie weetie
A.C. just the best?
- [both chuckling]

Mom! [grunts]

[yells]

Gretchen! [grunts]
Stop being a weirdo!

Right. [chuckles nervously]
That's me.

And remember,
you can call me Mom.

[groans] Anyway.

Behold my empire!

One day, every fan
in this place will be mine!

All mine!

[laughs maniacally]

[groans]

Oh, what the beans!

So, you guys are hiring?

We are. But don't get ahead of
yourself, Failey Banks.

You'd have
some very large shoes to fill.

[Hailey] Aww!

I mean, wow! Huge.

- [Gretchen] That's Mommy's
big boy!
- Gretchen.

You're mom-barrassing me!

[clears throat]
As I was saying,

today we are filming
the first ever
Fans Plus commercial.

I don't think
you were saying--

We have the hottest director
in the local
commercial business

and, spoiler alert,

I'm the star.

So, should we deem you
Fans Plus material,

we'd need you to cover
my vital position as Regional
Surplus Vice-Manager.

[Gretchen] He's the stock boy!

Gretchen! If I need you,
I will ring the Gretchen bell.

- [bell rings]
- You rang?

No, that was
for demonstration only!

[scoffs] The job interview
starts now.

Hello. I'm Ronald,
a clueless customer,
and this is a role play.

What's the blade size
of a four-turbine
oscillating floor fan, hmm?

- Um, small?
- Wrong! It's over 7.25 inches!

Wait, how do you know that?

I thought you said
you're a clueless customer.

Your story seems to change
a lot, Ronald,

if that's even your real name.

Ronald's name tag says "A.C."!

Yeah! Yes,
but in this role play,
my name is--

Let's cut to the chase.

Are you a spy
sent from Fan World?

You guys have no shame.

What? No. Stop this!
Start it over.

Hello. I'm an average customer
who buys three to four fans
a week--

That's 200 fans a year!

Do you, like, make the wind?

I'm just here to buy a fan!

Well, why didn't you say so?

- [clapping]
- Right this way, Ronald.

Wonderful job, g*ng.
You're hired.

What? No, no!
We need to start over!

[door slams open]

[♪ funky instrumental music]

Hello, Sam. I mean, uh,
Mr. Rodriguez.

May I just say,
your latest masterpiece
was a triumph.

You should see
my director's cut.

It's three and a half hours
long and will change
your life.

Oh, um, I was talking about
the Smoothie Shack commercial
with the burping cow?

So was I.

[A.C.] Oh, of course you were.
[clears throat]

Anyways, I was thinking
we could start
our Fans Plus commercial by--

As I said when you hired me,

I must have
complete creative control.

I let the story
find itself... [yells]

Well, yes,
but I'm your leading man.

The face of Fans Plus!

Fine. I trained a cow to burp,
so I can work with anyone.

Isn't that right, Maurice?

[slurping]

[burps]

He's my cameraman now.

- Well, now I've seen it all.
- [phone vibrating]

- Hey, Beta.
- [Beta on call] Hailey!

I am in grave danger.

I'm locked up
with an insane turtle!

You gotta get me out. This guy
is an absolute maniac!

[grunts]

[gasps] He's closing in!

Please tell me
you have Becker's money.

[Hailey] We're working on it.
You're just gonna
have to hang in there.

[♪ dramatic
instrumental music]

[Beta] Attack!

May my demise be swift
and painless.

- I'll take a flan!
- [Sam] Cut!

A.C., you did it again.

You said "flan"
instead of "fan!"

I did? [chuckles nervously]
That's weird.

I could have sworn
I said flan... I mean, flan.

I mean, flan!

Flan! Flan! Flan!

Oh, what the beans?

Please stop flailing
your arms.

[inhales]

Remember, acting is reacting.

Close your eyes
and do what I say.

Be a seed.

Grow into a flower.

Float down a river.
Feel the river.
Become a crocodile.

Eat the flower.

Now crush its dreams.

- And scream!
- [screams]

Yes! Yes! That's it!

Maurice, roll camera!

And, action!

I'll take a...

Wait, am I the flower
or a crocodile?

Cut, cut, cut!

[grunts in frustration]

[slurps]

[voice vibrating]
DJ Double Deuce in the house!

Dropping another one!

I'm Windy Feathers
out here reporting live
from a hurricane!

[mimics robot] I am a robot.

I wish to know human emotions.

I'm melting! Melting...

♪ Fish skin
Za za za za za za ♪

[both laugh]

Amazing.

The electricity
between you two
is simply edible.

It's that classic
old Hollywood chemistry.

Like Bogart and Hepburn,
or Maurice and his
banana-oat smoothie.

This project needs you.

Please say
you'll be in the commercial.

- Sure.
- Okay.

Whoa, whoa, whoa whoa!
We were doing fine!

I just needed to warm up
a little, is all.

Don't worry. I have
the perfect role for you.

A.C., can you move
three steps back
and to the left?

More.

A little more.

Little more.

Little more.

[objects clattering]

[A.C.] I'm in
the supply closet!

[Sam] Perfect!

From the top. But this time,
I'll have my new attractive
stars say the line. Action!

- Come on down...
- To Fans Plus!

[Sam] Cut!

Poetry.

You two are the new faces
of Fans Plus.

[sobbing]

I'll be in my trailer.

[♪ somber instrumental music]

Hey, Sam, can I talk to you?

[Hailey] Uh, I think
you're supposed to blow it.

I blew it all right.

And what do you want,
to rub it in my handsome,
handsome face?

I just wanted
to say sorry, A.C.

I didn't mean
to take the lead role
in your commercial.

Commercials are lame!

I was honestly
doing Sam a favor.

Fans are pretty lame,
too, right?

How dare you?

Fans are not lame!

A room without a fan
is like a song without music,

a sky without sun!

Sure, you all can have
your so-called great loves,

your girlfriends,
your boyfriends,
your plus-ones,

but when push comes to shove,

I'll take a fan!

[Sam] Cut! [claps]

What's going on?

We got it. Incredible.

A.C., you were so raw
and real!

Oh, that's why it was easy.

You know, acting
is really just reacting.

It was really nice of you
to set that up with Sam.

- That's my big superstar boy!
- Hey. Gretchen! [grunts]

[Sam] Welcome, all,
to the world premiere
of my Fans Plus commercial.

Once in a generation,
art is created

that changes the very nature
of commercials.

[shushes] Here it comes!

If you or a loved one
has been injured

in a Honey Doo-related
bear attack,

contact the law offices
of Graci, Gulino,
and Cortez today!

[Hailey and Scott repeating]
Fans!

[in slo-mo] Fans!

[both repeating] Fans...

- Plus.
- [♪ upbeat music playing]

[♪ dramatic music playing]

[slurping]

[grunts] A.C., I am so--

That was so brilliant!

Did you hear the way
I said "Plus?"

On TV!

Oh, my fan legacy
is etched in stone forever!

Did you see it, Mommy?

You did great, schmookems!

Thank you, both for your help

and for being
such great friends
to my special boy.

Here are your paychecks.

Don't be a stranger.

[♪ upbeat instrumental music]

Yoink! Consider
your debt paid.

And here's your doll back.

Mr. Chompers
is really gonna miss him.

Beta! You survived!

I need a screen wipe
and a nap.

[shudders] I never wanna see
another animal again!

[screams] Too soon! [yells]

Too soon!

♪ The future's in my hands ♪

♪ World's what you make it ♪

♪ Get up and chase it ♪

♪ Leaving nothing to chance ♪

♪ I'm taking action
Making it happen ♪

♪ No matter what
tomorrow might bring ♪

♪ I got the guts
to do anything ♪

♪ The future's in my hands ♪

♪ Promise, I'm on it ♪

♪ I'm on it ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪

- [chorus] ♪ Hey, hey, hey! ♪
- [Hailey] ♪ Hailey's on it! ♪

- [chorus] ♪ Hey, hey! ♪
- [Hailey] ♪ Hailey's on it! ♪