01x20 - We Wish You a Merry Chaos-mas

[bunniefuu]

[Beta] Chaos Bots
have been sent from the future

to stop the one person
who can save the world!

Me?

[singers] ♪ Hey, hey
Hailey's on it ♪

[Hailey] ♪ Teach a cat
to play the piano ♪

♪ Roller-skate
all the way to Orlando ♪

♪ Use my ear wax
to make a candle ♪

[singers]
♪ Hey, hey
Hailey's on it ♪

[Hailey]
♪ Win first place ♪

♪ For world's cutest pet rock ♪

♪ Do a corn maze
Hope I don't get lost ♪

♪ Eat an onion ♪

- Kiss my friend Scott?
- Huh? Aah!

[metal jangles]

[singers] ♪ Hey, hey
Hailey's on it ♪

[Christmas music playing]

♪ It's Christmas ♪

Happy Holidays, everyone!

What a great year
2074 has been for us.

You know, some folks
might say our little company

is about inter-dimensional
timeline stabilization.

But, really,
It's about the people.

- [zap]
- [all gasp]

[giggles] I just portaled
to ancient France

and pantsed Napoleon!

[laughter]

Okay. Who wants to come with me
to feed candy canes

to some dinosaurs?

[murmuring excitedly]

- [loud buzzer]
- [all gasp]

While portaling pranks
are admittedly hilarious,

you know they risk disrupting
the cosmic timeline.

So, come on. Everybody,
hand over your portal cards.

You can have them back
after the party.

Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you, thank you.

Okay, this year, of course,
we are celebrating
the 50th anniversary

of when Hailey Banks
organized the most incredible

Oceanside
Christmas Festival ever.

[sighs] I just wish
we could have all been there

for what must have been
a magical time.

[Christmas bells jingling]

Ugh! For the love of fruitcake!

C'mon, Darryl! It's not the
Oceanside Christmas "Pestival."

It's supposed
to say "festival"!

Ohh.

That is a surprisingly
clever workaround,

but this festival
has to be perfect.

And you know your costume
is for the wrong holiday, right?

Costume?

Ugh.

As much as I love seeing
"assertive Hailey,"

According to the blood pressure
data I'm getting from
your wristband...

- you need to chillax, girl!
- How am I supposed to chillax?

You're the one
who told me that this is

my one and only shot
to tackle list item #215,

"throw the best Oceanside
Christmas Festival ever"!

Yes, the future of the world
and everyone you care about

depends on you succeeding.

But maybe you could think
about some pretty waterfalls

or something while you do it.

I'm thinking about throwing you
off a waterfall.

q-What did you just grumble?
- Merry Christmas!

Don't worry, Hailey.

I got something that's gonna
blow everyone's mind
at the show.

I hired Lil' Rudy to pass out
candy canes this year!

"San Diego County's Only
Skateboarding Mini Reindeer"?

And he was a steal!

Guess how much
he cost to rent for the day?

- Fifty bucks?
- Thirty bucks?

Yeah, something...
in that ballpark.

As adorable
as that sounds, Scott,

this is the Oceanside
Christmas Pesti--Festival!

Dang it, Darryl,
now you got me saying it!

Anyway,
this isn't some rinky-dink

San Clemente Arbor Day Festival.
We need to go big!

You want me to find a big
skateboarding reindeer?

Just stay here, and sign
for any deliveries that come.

I need to get home and
finish working on my original
Christmas song for the show.

Hailey, you've been working
on that for six months.

And no offense, it stinks,
and you've only made it worse.

You can't just say,
"no offense,"
and then be mean, Beta.

But yes. All right, I admit
version 236 was a little rough,

but I think 237
is really gonna nail it.

[♪ loud music with whistles
and horns playing]

What do ya think? I threw in
all the bells and whistles.

Seriously, I bought
a bell and whistle plug-in

that came with
50 different options,

and they're all in there!

Look, I know I'm technically
a producer on this track,

but I'll be fine if you don't
mention me in the credits.

Ah! Ha ha!

Professor!
What are you doing here?

Oh, we're having
a Christmas Party
back at the lab,

so I'm trying to hide
everyone's portal cards
before things get too crazy.

People can just portal
for the fun of it?

Well, we're not supposed to,
because it can mess

with the very fabric of time
and space and yadda-yadda-yadda,

but what are you gonna do?

It's the holidays,
and people like to have fun.

[laughs] Last year,
we went back to ancient England

and propped up a bunch
of big rocks just to see

the look on people's faces.
[chuckles]

Oh, sh**t, did we ever
go back and fix that?

Anyway, do me a solid
and keep an eye on these

for a minute so no one
gets tempted to use them, mmkay?

Thanks, bye!

[loud thud]

You guys seen
a portal around here?

Nope. And I'll thank you
to keep your muddy boots

out of my Swole Zone.

Okay, don't panic!

I just need to find
the nearest portal machine.

Those don't exist yet.

My dad had a flip phone
a year ago.

Okay, don't panic!

I feel like
you're saying that a lot.

This is why I always carry

an emergency
portal-making remote.

[clicking]

Ah, crumbs.
It's not charged.

Well, I guess I'm
hanging out with you guys

while this powers up.
This will be fun!

I love the past!

Ooh, an analog clock?

Okay, don't tell me.
I can do this.

It's 2:00. And then big hand
on the 6 means... 2:30!

Don't ask me if it's a.m.
or p.m., because I don't know!

And-- [gasps]
Ooh, look at this!

Ha! He keeps diving
into the water.

What in the world?

Wait, you're staying for more
than, like, a minute this time?

That's great! You can tell me
all about the future

- and help me with my li--
- Oh, yeah, afraid not.

There's that whole
"destroying the fabric
of the space-time continuum"

- thing to worry about.
- Well, can you at least give me

the jackpot numbers
you promised?

[laughs] Oh, no.
I was just doing that
as a hilarious prank.

'Cause again,
and I don't want to sound

like a broken
holo-transmorpher here,

but no spoilers
about the future.

- Huh.
- In fact,

forget I mentioned
a holo-transmorpher.

I don't even know
if that's a thing.

It probably isn't.

[groans] Well,
as long as you're here,

maybe you can
give me some thoughts

on my original Christmas song.

Oh, no. Can we not?

[loud whistles,
horns, and sirens]

- [music turns off]
- Well... that's a lot.

Thanks! It's called
"Keep Christmas Simple."

Oh, no! Is it too simple?

Maybe I could add
some more sirens.

No! Look, I know I'm
not supposed to do this,

but I'm gonna do this.

This is a copy
of next week's newspaper

Oh, cool!

Does it have the answer
to this week's jumble?

My best guess was "Mapledog."

What? No, just read it.

"This year's Christmas Festival
was a huge success!

"Thanks entirely
to the adorable reindeer,

Lil' Rudy"?

See? There's no reason
to stress out with all... that.

Because all anyone's
gonna remember

is that adorable
skateboarding reindeer!

Oh, man.
That's devastating

That means...
Scott was right!

Oh! Well, good, I guess.

I wanted the festival
to be a success,

and I guess it will be!

Despite my hundreds of hours
of work. Yippee.

Hailey, can I hide your dad's
ugliest Christmas sweaters

in here so he doesn't
try to wear them--

- Who's this?
- This? Um, this is Professor--

Professor Phoenix Thunderslayer!

I've always loved that name...
that is my own.

Oh, Mom! Don't act like
you don't remember!

Professor Thunderslayer
is visiting

all the way from
the fu-- Falkland Islands.

Uh, to be a consultant
for the Christmas Festival.

So she's staying with us.

Hailey, I think I'd remember

if we agreed to let
a grown woman--

Wait, you seriously
don't remember? I told you!

It was that night you made
a big bowl of your eggnog

and said you wouldn't finish it,

but then the next morning,
it was, like, totally gone.

You know what? I remember now.
Professor Thunderslayer!

Welcome!

You also said
you'd buy me a car.

Don't push it.

[sips]

Phoenix Thunderslayer?

Can you believe
I just made that up?

Alrighty, looks like this sucker
will have enough charge

for a full portal
in about 50...

years?!

Ugh! Might as well
just wait for the future.

We'll get there
at the same time.

Well, if you need a charge,

I did order a bunch
of high-voltage generators

for the light show
down at the pier.

Worth a try. I do not
want to be stuck here

for the Great Lemming Stampede
of 2029.

I mean,
I'm just messing with you.

Again, that totally doesn't
happen. Not a spoiler.

You should really work
on talking less.

All right. The last delivery
should be here soon.

Darryl, all I need you to do
is count the lights

to make sure we got 'em all.

Count the lights. Got it.

One, two, three...

...two, three, two, three, two--

Not those lights.
The boxes.

The boxes are the lights.

The boxes are the lights!

Mind... blown.

Oh, man, is this a phone?

- [dial tone]
- Who's that?

Whoa, the Professor's here?

Hey, do you still have
that sick backpack?

- This?
- Whoa!

Adjustable length
shoulder straps?

It's just a backpack,
you Neanderthal!

It's pretty obvious
future backpack technology

remains largely unchanged!

Scott, we need to get
the Professor back to the future

by charging her portal remote.

[electric hum]

[gasps] Is that him?!

[beeping sound]

It's Lil' Rudy! [squeals]
Who has a carrot?

I wanna see him
nibble a carrot!

So, if you guys are cool
to unload out here,

I'm gonna unload in here.

O-M-G, I need to get
a picture with Lil' Rudy!

This is gonna blow
DeAndre's mind.

It's way better than
pantsing Napoleon.

- [laughing]
- Um, how does this work?

Tapping's not working.

Yeah, it's a non-tactile phone.

But it has full telepathic
and emotional functionality.

Just clear your mind,
and try to emote...

"4D-camera mode."

Ugh, not the flashlight!

You're overthinking it.
Give it to Scott.

I'm overthinking it?

You future scientists
tried to upgrade the button.

Sweet!

- You couldn't figure out
that phone if it--
- [camera shutters]

- Seriously?
- Well, jingle my bells.

What a simple design!

I'm surprised you future people

even still use buttons
like this one.

Don't press that!

Stop him!

If he goes through that portal,
it could alter the future!

I got him!
[yelps]

[gasps]

[shouting]

[gasps]

Hey, you must be, DeAndre.

Awesome!
Say, quick favor,

This portal is getting
real tight,

and I need that reindeer
to come back with me,

or a super important
Christmas event will be ruined.

And I know you don't
wanna ruin Christmas, right?

What's Christmas?

- [gasps, yelps]
- [grunts]

- Okay, this might be bad.
- Let's not panic.

We don't know the consequences
of losing Lil' Rudy just yet.

I just saw DeAndre.
He never heard of Christmas.

What?!
DeAndre lives for Christmas.

He starts wearing his
candy cane boxers in September.

[epic music playing]

[Beta]
Worst Christmas Festival ever?

Lil' Rudy not being here must
have created a ripple effect

which, over the next 50 years,

causes Christmas spirit
to plummet the world over.

- We need that reindeer back!
- Guys, don't worry about it.

As soon as DeAndre realizes

that reindeer
doesn't belong in the future,

he'll just open up a portal
and send it back.

[groans] And how is he
gonna do that, exactly?

Easy, he just has to use
his portal card

to activate the portal machine.

- And which portal card is that?
- This portal card right here!

Oh, figgy pudding.

Please, just put down
the jet pack.

Where are our portal cards?

Okay, as the only one here

who has earned multiple
doctorate degrees,

I now give everyone
permission to panic!

[Professor and Scott
screaming]

[all screaming]

[Scott screaming]
What's going on, Hailey?

Usually you're the one
leading the panic parade.

The "Panic Grand Marshal,"
if you will.

True. I've panicked before,
and I will surely panic again.

But today,
with the Christmas Festival

just a couple hours away,
no time for that!

We've spent almost a year
crossing off list items

we had no business completing.

Escaping the Tomb of Doom?
Done.

Climbing Mount Oceanside?
Easy.

Cleaning the attic?

Well, I'm sure we'll get
to that one eventually.

Point is, we've pulled off
all sorts of crazy miracles.

So we're just gonna
have to do it again.

Heck, yeah!

But you could also
look at it like

- we have been pretty lucky.
- [squeaks]

Not the direction
we're going in, Beta.

Professor, Scott and I
will just have to put on

the best darn Christmas festival
the town has ever seen

while you and Beta work
on getting enough power

to charge the portal remote.

I suppose we could connect
all the generators

to the high-voltage lines.

And I can hack into
the nuclear power plant.

They don't change the password
over there for another 15 years.

Great! I mean, you know,
kind of irresponsible,

but, good for us!

I'll call in every favor I can.

and if we can just keep
everyone entertained

until Lil' Rudy gets back,

we just might be able
to save Christmas!

Well, I feel a whole
Christmas ham lighter.

So what were you guys
saying about Lil' Rudy?

- Gotta go!
- I'm just a bear.

Stuff. Some stuff.

♪ Fa la la la la la ♪

♪ Fa la la la la la ♪

- ♪ Fa la la la la la ♪
- ♪ Let me hear you say ♪

♪ Christmas is coming
to O-side ♪

♪ We got a little more
sand than snow ♪

♪ But we got
that winter spirit ♪

♪ Palm trees swingin'
like mistletoe ♪

♪ No better season to visit ♪

♪ Got snow globes
in the gift shop ♪

♪ And Santa
rocking flip-flops... ♪

[out of tune] ♪ La, la ♪

♪ More than just
a beachside pit-stop, hey ♪

♪ Fa la la la la la
Fa la la la la la ♪

- ♪ Fa la la la la la ♪
- ♪ Let me hear you say ♪

♪ Christmas is coming
to O-side ♪

- ♪ Fa la la la la la ♪
- ♪ Let me hear you say ♪

♪ Christmas is coming
to O-side ♪

♪ Christmas
is coming to O-side ♪

[audience murmuring]

Welcome, everybody,
to what will surely be known

as the best Oceanside
Christmas Festival ever!

[Felicia] You don't get
to decide that! We do!

Okay! Well, to kick things off,

here are The Funcles, featuring
Patricia and Kai Banks!

[audience clapping]

[banjo in the tune
of "Deck the Halls"]

♪ Time to wear
my Holiday sweater ♪

♪ Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! ♪

♪ A garbage bag
would be much better ♪

♪ Nah nah nah nah
nah nah nah nah nah ♪

♪ Waited 'til December
for this moment ♪

♪ It has a jelly stain
from a donut! ♪

♪ But if it puts you
in the spirit ♪

♪ Wha-wha-wha-wha-
wha-wha-wha-wha? ♪

♪ I'm no Scrooge
I got one, too! ♪

♪ You've made my Holiday wish
come true! ♪

♪ Now we've both got
Holiday sweaters! ♪

♪ Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo,
hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! ♪

[audience clapping]

Is the portal remote
charged yet?

With the amount of juice
we've got pulled in here,

It'll charge in no time!

[sighs] Only problem is...

these wires are a mess!

Look, we're gonna need
some more time.

Okay, as long as we
get Lil' Rudy back
for my song at the end.

I mean, I did add some
k*ller car-alarm drops,

so we may not even need---

- No!
- Nope!

You two just keep the show going
and buy us some time.

We are not gonna risk the future
of Christmas itself

on your awful--

I mean, awfully noise-filled
holiday song.

♪ Our heartbeats
pulse together ♪

♪ Frozen dreams
in snowy weather ♪

♪ The discotheque
is lonely, yah ♪

♪ It's Christmas in Shuronia ♪

♪ The guest list
keeps reindeer out ♪

♪ As we slap ourselves
with Christmas trout ♪

♪ Hope the trout's
not boney, yah? ♪

♪ It's Christmas in Shuronia ♪

♪ Now do the Christmas Pulse ♪

[dance beat drops]

[Olga] Why are
you dimwits not dancing?

Do the Christmas Pulse!

In Shuronia, you pulse like this

so the Christmas accountant
knows to come to your house

and tally your good
and bad deeds!

Ya, If you don't do it,
it's technically tax evasion!

- Oh, yeah!
- [♪ dance music continues]

[crashing]

[Beta] I wuv you.

[Christmas music plays]

♪ It's the night
before Christmas
and I lay in my bed ♪

♪ Visions of Dingle chips
dance in my head! ♪

♪ I shake my presents up
a bunch ♪

♪ Do I hear that sweet
Dingles crunch? ♪

♪ So many flavors
I just have to try ♪

♪ My salt intake
is dangerously high! ♪

♪ Cheddar, Sweet Onion,
or Sea Salt and Lime ♪

♪ People say I have a problem
but I can stop any time ♪

No, I can't!

♪ Oh, Santa, forget the toys
and any gift that jingles ♪

♪ 'Cause this year,
all I want is Dingles ♪

♪ Da, da, da, da, da,
Dingles ♪

♪ Christmas! ♪

Don't forget to sign up
for our new monthly
subscription service, ChipFlix!

Dingles in your mailbox,
every week!

Premium members get early access
to seasonal flavors

and can designs!

- Who would want to--
- Take my money!

[growls] Huh?

No!

[dings]

- ♪ And your love ♪
- ♪ Your love ♪

♪ Makes me higher ♪

♪ So much higher ♪

♪ Than the smoke
from my yule log fire ♪

- ♪ Fire ♪
- [cheering]

[passes gas]

- Eww! Ohh.
- Ladies and gentlemen!

The moment you've all
been waiting for.

I've been waiting
for this show to end.

I, Scott Denoga,

will combine the two most
awesome things in the world,

Christmas and bike stunts!

By jumping this Christmas tree
on my bike.

[bell rings]

[crash]

[car alarm sounds]

Nailed it.

Ooh, sounds like Santa
got my letter.

♪ Rats chewed through
the stockings ♪

♪ The presents are in flames ♪

♪ The eggnog has gone rotten ♪

♪ And my stomach's
feeling strange ♪

♪ This fruitcake is from 1982 ♪

♪ So much Christmas spirit
I could spew! ♪

♪ Christmas 'til you ♪

♪ Puke ♪

♪ Christmas 'til you ♪

♪ Puke ♪

♪ Christmas 'til you ♪

[child crying]

Golly, everybody,
thank you so much!

Give it up for Scorn Husk,
everybody! [chuckles]

Who wants another encore?

[Felicia] No! Nobody wants that!

[all gasp and murmur]

Don't worry, everybody.
It's all just part of the show.

[audience chattering]

Please enjoy this diving penguin
while I prepare our big finale!

[soft music playing]

[Felicia] This is
the best performance
we've seen all night!

Guys, we're out of time!

Hang on.
There's a genius at work.

How can you...

This looks like
how my mind thinks.

Now I've just gotta make sure
I don't over amplify

the R-win voltage capacitors,

- and... done!
- [system powering up]

[beeping]

- I just kinda get some stuff.
- [gasps] Sweet!

We should have enough charge
in the remote for a portal
in two minutes.

Go ahead, and perform your song,
even if it's terrible.

Lil' Rudy will be back
to save us all before it ends!

Great! And also... hey!

Good news, everybody.
It's time for our big finale.

Two diving penguins?

This last song is better than
a million diving penguins!

I hope.

[horns and sirens play]

[vocoder] ♪ Keep Christmas,
Keep Christmas ♪

♪ Keep Christmas ♪

[all gasp]

- [crowd murmuring]
- [Felicia] Is that the end?

Oh, no. The main power cord
got severed.

What does that mean?

It means no lights,
no music, and no Lil' Rudy.

Our luck finally ran out.

[crowd sighing and murmuring]

I'm sorry, Hailey.
You tried your best.

Maybe we're just
out of miracles.

[crowd murmuring]

[piano music playing]

♪ Keep Christmas simple ♪

♪ And straight from the heart ♪

♪ No bows or tinsel ♪

♪ You don't need much
to start ♪

♪ Celebratin' all together
Nothing better ♪

♪ Forgot about the rest ♪

♪ Keep Christmas simple ♪

♪ 'Cause sometimes
simple's best ♪

Now, sing it with me,
everybody!

♪ Keep Christmas simple ♪

[Hailey] Yeah!

♪ And straight from the heart ♪

♪ Straight from the heart ♪

♪ No bows or tinsel ♪

♪ You don't need much
to start ♪

♪ Celebratin' all together
Nothing better ♪

♪ Forgot about the rest ♪

♪ Keep Christmas simple ♪

♪ 'Cause sometimes
simple's best ♪

[piano continues]

♪ Keep Christmas simple ♪

You know, I was actually
a producer on this song.

Hey, let's check the newspaper!

"Best Christmas Show Ever!"

- Hiya!
- [Beta] Bot!

♪ All together
Nothing better ♪

♪ Forgot about the rest ♪

♪ Keep Christmas simple ♪

♪ 'Cause sometimes
simple's best ♪

The boxes are the lights.

[powering up]

It's portal time!

[grunts]

[music continues]

[kids laugh]

h*, h*...
hold your horses, Rudy!

It's a Christmas miracle.

I'm charging triple
to rent him out next year.

[Christmas music playing]

Best Oceanside Christmas
Festival ever.

- Mele Kalikimaka, Hailey.
- Mele Kalikimaka, Dad.

[grunts]

h*, h*, hold your horses, Rudy!

♪ Fa la la la la la ♪

♪ Fa la la la la la
Fa la la la la la ♪

♪ Let me hear you say ♪

♪ Christmas is coming
to O-side ♪

♪ We got a little more
sand than snow ♪

♪ But we got that
Winter spirit ♪

♪ Palm trees swingin'
like mistletoe ♪

♪ No better season to visit ♪

♪ Fa la la la la la ♪

♪ Let me hear you say ♪

♪ Christmas is coming
to O-side ♪

♪ Christmas
is coming to O-side ♪