03x05 - Amanda's FUNraiser

[bunniefuu]

Charlie's phone's
been confiscated.

It's actually my phone,
he took it from my pocket...

so I need it back.

Please?

[sighs]

There it is.
Thieving little git.

Yeah, I don't have
a form for it.

I can't release a property

unless I've got
a confiscation form.

Right, so how do I get it back?

All items without a form

are classified as lost property

and processed
at the end of term.

Jesus Christ.

If you wish to make a complaint
you can e-mail the school.

Yeah, all right, I'll do that.
Can you pass me my phone

so I can do it now?

Okay. And who deals
with the complaints?

[Mrs. Lamb] I do.

Okay.

[office phone ringing]

Mrs. Lamb's phone.

I hate you, you witch.

Just give me the phone back.

[music playing]

Oh, you really dodged a b*llet

getting out
of the school trip, Kevin.

Oh, God,
that doesn't even cover it.

Sod's law my driving test
is on the same day as the trip

to Fishbourne Roman Palace.

Send you some pictures
of mosaics for your wank bank.

I hit a cow on my driving test.
Yeah, k*lled it instantly.

Still passed though.

Uh, different rules in Ireland.

I'm sweating
just thinking about it.

My hands are literally sopping.

D'you think
I need some driving gloves

or, or a driving towel?

How did you get out
of the coach trip?

Got my hands full launching
hyggetygge.org.

The physical store
was always just a testbed

but, uh,
as of two o'clock tomorrow

we officially pivot online.

Whoo-hoo.

Will you be okay
packing up the shop?

Uh, you're packing up, Anne?

Oh no, I told you I can't
the baby has her jabs.

Oh, great.

Thanks for mentioning
this before.

-I did. I texted you twice.
-Then how is this only

the first time
I'm registering it?

For that, I can only apologize.

Café anyone?

I promised the girls a cake
if they let me sing

the Moanasoundtrack with them
this morning.

No, no, I have to say goodbye
to my builder.

Oh, is it Garry's last day?

What? No.

Oh! [laughing] Sorry.

You just gave me a heart attack.
[laughing]

No. No, no, no
I just like to...

I just, just like to have,
um, a catchup,

a de-brief, you know,
give him a proper send-off.

You must give me his number?
I need a new attic ladder.

I'd never share him
with anyone, Kevin.

You all right, babe?

Do you want a hot chocolate
with all the toppings?

Is Jade okay?

We've just been to see the head.

Some little dipshit's been
r*cist to her.

Bloody hell, poor little thing.

Oh my God.
Did the kid get a punishment?

No, he was sent home
with a thunder letter.

Oof, the worst rose
he has ever got is a...

rain cloud
for giving Ruben a wedgie.

And he's been banned from
the school field trip tomorrow

and they're doing a racism
awareness assembly thing so...

Meg, there you are.
Are you all right?

-Hmm.
-I heard what he said.

For the record, I am both
shocked and stunned.

What did the head say?

They said they've not had
to deal with it before.

At least that's something.

Yeah, but is it? Is it
that it's never happened before

or that they haven't noticed?
Anyway, whatever,

they're dealing with it
so that's something.

What did the kid actually say?

Well, the jury is still out
on whether

he meant it in an offensive way.

No, I don't think
the jury's still out.

It really upset Jade.

I know demographically
my opinion doesn't count,

but maybe it's just
kids saying kids' things.

-No.
-Anne, what do you think?

You must've been on
the receiving end as an Irish.

Or not. I'm not saying

you have to have an opinion
just because you're Irish.

The Irish famously opinionated?

Um, couldn't tell you
one way or the other.

They are.

Their catchphrase is,
to be sure.

Oh, I'm not sure it is but, um,

okay.

-To be sure, to be sure.
-[Meg] Mmm.

It is.

[music playing]

[Garry whistling]

-Ooh.
-Ooh.

Cup of tea for the worker.

[Garry] Ah, thanks.

Oh! [laughing]

These...

These aren't mine.
Mine are much more, um...

you know, it doesn't matter
what mine are like.

These are my, um,

these are my mother's,
we'll just, just get...

I wouldn't worry about it.

You should see
the state of my place.

Oh yes, please.

Um, is-- is it--

is it a classic
sort of bachelor pad

or is there a girlfriend
in the mix?

No, not at the moment, no.

You should take your time

and p-- play the field,
see what's out there.

Maybe go for someone who's
looking second time around.

You know,
could push out a mini-Garry.

At a squeeze.

Lovely tea, thanks.

Garry, I don't know
how to say this, um...

I have to go
on a school trip tomorrow

so I'm not going to be around.

Okay, cool.

It's very understanding of you.

It's-- it's to
Fishbourne Roman Palace.

It's, um, it's famous
for its tiles.

[chuckles]

[Julia]
But, seriously, honestly,

if there's anything
you ever need then

just ask me, okay?

-Uh, actually, Julia.
-Yes.

Uh, I'm,
I'm having some problems

ordering your,
your new window fittings.

Consider it done.
I mean... [laughing]

Absolutely, fine. I'm on it
like a car bonnet.

I'll call them first thing.

I love getting my teeth
into something.

-Mm-hmm.
-[Marion] Anyone want a tea?

I'm putting the kettle on.

No, thanks, Mother,
Garry's all catered for.

-He's great.
-No, actually,

-I could for another.
-Okay, don't touch the kettle.

Don't touch that. Get you...

Don't you dare touch it.

-[clears throat]
-[footsteps running away]

[woman]
Just pull in here, Mr. Brady.

[Kevin crying]
Sorry.

Sorry, sorry, sorry.
Come on just... come on

just, just put me out...
put me out of my misery.

Well, I'm pleased to tell you,
you passed.

What?

Shut up. [crying]

What?

Shut up.

Shut the F up.

-Whoo!
-[honking horn]

-[Kevin] Whoo!
-[woman] Don't do that.

[music playing]

[Meg] Hey, hey, hey.

What are you doing here?

If ever there was a time to play

the cancer card, this is it.

I'd just be moping around
waiting for my test results.

They're due to call today.

And there's only
so many episodes

of Selling Sunsetyou can watch

before you wanna claw your eyes
out with your acrylics.

Can everyone
please get in line?

All aboard the vomit express.

[Julia] Come on, come on,
answer the frickin' phone.

If we could
get off our phones, please.

Ivy's mom.

Oh, yeah, cool.

-Hello, are you there?
-Yeah hi

I'm ringing
about a Velux window fitting.

Excuse me.
If that's someone's child?

Whose child is this?

Everyone, wait in line,
we are not boarding yet.

Miss Vaughn,
can you get that boy

-out of the luggage hold?
-I'm claustrophobic.

-Oi. Out please.
-Sorry,

what's Danny doing here?

Um, I'm
just the teaching assistant.

Sorry. Mrs. Lamb.

Um, yeah...

that boy Danny
who just went on the bus,

he's not supposed to be
on the field trip.

-Is he not?
-No.

Right, um, it's just that we're

a bit pushed for time, so...

Danny's mom?

D'you see that, mate?
The baby r*cist just got

-on the coach.
-Yeah, I know, don't worry. Lamb

is laminating the kid's mom
as we speak.

Yes, I'm holding.

[woman on phone]
Are you still there?

[Mrs. Lamb] Right, uh, she says
she's appealing it, so,

single file, please.

-One, two, three...
-Um...

What? Yeah right, um, yeah,

eight, nine, ten--
uh, excuse me,

I'll take that laser pen,

thank you, Talisha.

Um, that's...

-fifteen...
-Fourteen.

-...sixteen, 17.
-...fifteen, 16...

What are you doing?

-I'm sorry?
-Can you not count?

Look, if you feel you don't want
to go on the trip,

I can process a
full refund, uh...

No, no, no, I don't
want Jade to miss the...

I don't want to prevent Jade
from going on the trip

just because the school
haven't got their act together.

Okay, that's all the kids,
Miss Vaughn.

I'll do a sweep of the wheels.

I'm sorry
but this is not good enough.

It's a rock
and a hard place situation, Mom.

The child received
a thunder letter,

you've got your racism assembly

and we've put signs up.

[Meg] Oh, yeah...

"Leave race hate at the gate."

What's that a quote
from Nelson Mandela?

Look, I'm sorry, Mom,
but we really need to get going.

Sick bags.

Sick bags.

-What's wrong with you?
-Sick bags.

-Did you not hear?
-Oh, God.

It's like The Shining.

That little twonk who was mean
to Jade was let on the coach.

-You're joking? He's on here?
-Mm-hmm.

Why hasn't he been
humanely thrown down a well?

It's this bloody
school, they can barely cope

with missing blazers
let alone something like this.

The school's a joke shop.
An Ofsted rated joke shop.

[Meg chuckles]

No, it really winds me up.

And if you break the rules,

there should
be zero tolerance,

don't just sweep it
under the carpet.

-Yeah. I blame Dominic Cummings.
-Why?

I blame him for everything.
He's a d*ck.

[Mrs. Lamb] You're not allowed
to sit together.

Hop it, please.

Go on.

Uh, excuse me, Mom,

we need this seat.

This one stinks,
does anybody want to swap?

Ah, hello,

you're there. Lovely, jubbly.
Yes. Yeah, I've got a pen.

Yep, no probs.

Bollocks, I haven't got a pen.
Have you got a pen?

Yes, I'm here.
Oh, yeah.

You need to write this down.

Get some paper.

Is that Danny's mom?

D'you want me to have a word?

I'll tell her to get off
the coach if you want.

-I don't give a sh*t.
-Yes.

-[Julia] It's a Velux GGL.
-[Meg] Hey.

[woman on phone
speaks indistinctly]

UK04.

And that's,
that's the part I need, is it?

No, I don't need the whole
unit, just the fitting.

Yes, I'll hold.

Oh, my God, she's hung up on me.

Cut us off, mate.

[children] Yay!

[children singing]

[Mrs. Lamb] Voices down, please.

[rock music playing]

Yo, Amanda.

Yo.

Amanda. Oh, uh, ey.

-Oh, hey.
-[Kevin] I did it.

Passed my driving...

I passed
my driving test, Amanda.

Oh.

I just did a doughnut
in that back bit

of the B&Q car park
to celebrate.

Would you like a lift anywhere?

You could be
my virgin passenger.

I'm gonna

go to a car wash in a bit.

I actually could
really use some

help packing up my shop, Kevin.

Oh, okay, my, my offer was

-a bit more car-based but...
-Thank you.

Just pull in here,
it'd be great.

Thank you, Kevin.

[children singing]

Oh Jesus, mate, they stink.

What flavor are they?
Cheese and an*s?

Why are you having
your lunch now?

It's not even 10 o'clock.

Did you know that Fishbourne

is the largest Roman villa
north of the Alps.

She looks like any normal mom.

It's so weird.

Well, what do you expect her
to look like? Charles Manson?

Katie Hopkins?

She does look a bit
like Katie Hopkins.

-Talking about the mom?
-Yeah.

-Hmm.
-Danny, her kid, once

pulled Ivy's shorts down in P.E.

I really fantasized
about sh1tting him up,

like getting
totally into his face

and just f*cking
him up for life.

I've fantasized
about waterboarding

Toby Warner in year four.

Oh, yes.

Oh, that little psychopath.

So, what goes on in the coach,
stays in the coach,

yeah? No further.

[music playing]

[bus engine rattling]

Oh, what now?

Right, everyone remain seated.

-Fingers on lips, please.
-What's going on?

-Slight technical issue.
-Ooh, are you gonna sort it?

Or is it our responsibility now?

Why have we stopped?

Are we here?

[children clamoring]
We're here?

Bums on seats, please.

We are not here yet.

Everyone sit down.

[children clamoring]

Oh, Taylor, mate,
can you get them to put

a sock in it?
I'm trying to listen, yeah.

Careful with those,
Kevin, please.

[sing-songy] Ah.

One hour's time

hyggetygge.org is officially

live-a-live-o.

It's a good job
I drove by, isn't it?

You'd have your work cut out
doing all this lot alone.

I'm not alone, Kevin.

-Hmm?
-Have people been saying

I'm alone? I'm not lonely.

No. What? No, I,

I meant, I meant the packing.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Are, are you all right
about all this, Amanda?

It, it must be hard
having a business fail.

Kevin, I'm not failing.

If anything, I'm a victim
of my own success.

The forecast website

traffic vastly outnumbers
any physical footfall,

hence my tactical pivot online.

Uh, I don't know anything about
anything you're talking about,

but it sounds mighty exciting.

[Amanda] It is.



Quiet please, everyone.

Um,

all hold a bubble in your mouth.

Like, like, pretend
there's a bubble in there.

She said hold a bubble

in your mouth.

Ooh, hi. Hello, yes, no.

So, um,
according to Garry Yates,

my lovely builder,

um, he's very much
on the system.

Oh, it, it's Garry with two Rs.

Yes, absolutely
it makes a difference.

His is much softer,

sexy...

super more sound.

No, I... no, I want the Velux

UK04 in white.

She's still eyeballing us.

Hmm.

Ooh, sh*t she's coming.
She's coming over.

She's coming up the aisle.
What do we say to her?

Nothing, babe, just leave it.

Uh, no. No, thank you, love,

I don't want
to be transferred to accounts,

no, I've made a promise to,
um, my builder Garry

and I don't want
to break that promise, so...

Okay, fine,
I'll be transferred to accounts.

Hi. Hi. Is anyone actually doing

anything about the heating?
'Cause it's freezing back there.

I don't know, I'm just
the teaching assistant, so...

[phone chiming]

Ooh, sorry, that's, that's Garry
trying to get through now.

That's... I'm just gonna...
just, just one sec,

that, that, that's Garry now,
I'm just gonna take that.

Hi. Hi, Garry.

How's it going?

Garry?

Garry?

Oh f...

Hello? Hi,

yeah...

Hello? Hello?

Frickin' well cut us off, mate.

Have you farted?

She'll have to say
something now.

Here we go.

Oh, the ba*ls on that.

Oh, seriously, Liz,

just leave it. It's not worth
the steam off my piss.

I'll give her one last side eye.

Oh, damn,
I accidentally winked at her.

I feel like
everything in my life

has been leading up to this.

Hyggetygge.org.

Just looking back.

My time as a hostess

in Val-d'Isère,
front of house in Bibendum,

just missing out
on being in the band All Saints

and then me on the store floor,

face to face with the clientele.

That was me in my element.

-Just being a people person--
-[glass shattering]

f*ck sake, Kevin.

I'm so sorry, Amanda. Sorry.

Oh, where's the dustpan?

Oh my God! Look.

These must be left over
from the opening.

Ah.

Oh, look.

It's my stamp
from our loyalty cards.

Nine stamps,
you got five per cent off

your next purchase over £500.

I think the most
anyone ever got was two.

[sighs]
Oh my God, it's time to launch.

Kevin, it's time to launch.
Uh, okay.

Um, hyggetygge.org

going live in five...

-[both] ...four...
-Shh.

Three...

two...

one.

We have lift off.

Yay.

There you go.

Well, I, I think
that calls for a celebration.

Shall we have a toast?
Crack open your champers?

Sure. Yeah, uh, why not?

I don't think I've got any

flutes or coupes.

How about these?

They're stem vases, Kevin.

Yeah, sure. Um.

[both] Ooh!

Yeah.

Uh. Ooh!

Okay.

[Kevin] Here we go.

To the new Jeff Bezos...

-but with hair.
-Ah.

Better hair. The best hair.

Can I quote you on that?

Obviously not using your name.

-It would be an honor.
-Oh.

[children clamoring]

Time for operation lollipop.

Bouncers use these
to keep people quiet

at chucking out time.

You do the back,
I'll do the front.

Look what I've got.

Oh my God,
it would've been quicker

just to drive up
to the wholesalers,

kidnap them all
and get the part.

Mind you, that might've
really impressed Garry, so...

Oh, my God,
I've run out of charge.

Has anybody got
a phone charger?

Meg, can I borrow our phone,
uh, just,

uh, quickly, please?

No, I'm expecting a call.

Taylor, I need to borrow
your phone, mate.

Just five minutes, yeah?

Hand it over.

Just quickly.

Please? I just need to borrow it
quickly.

Okay, what's that number again?

I don't wanna
sound like a sentimental bat

in her prime but...

truth be told, this place
was a bit of a lifeline for me

when I split up with Johnny,
you know,

just running a lifestyle
boutique

gave me a reason to live

between 11 and three every day,

apart from weekends
and Wednesdays.

Not to mention the fun
you've brought to the area.

I do worry about that, Kevin,
actually. I mean,

where else are people gonna get
candle cages locally?

Well, my hats are off to you,

professionally and privately.

I only hope that my divorce
is half as good as yours.

-Thank you.
-What is it they say?

You go for it, lady.

-Top-up?
-Mm.

Mmm.

Hit me.

Another lollipop?

There you go. Another lollipop.

Excuse me.

Excuse you from what?

I'm sorry, is there an issue?

Yeah, there is an issue,
actually.

You're on this coach and
you shouldn't be on this coach.

Oh, I don't know
what you're talking about.

Oh, please, you do.

You know what your kid said
to my mate's kid.

Really?

Well, I think
you should tell your friend

that I think her kid
Jade is a little liar.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm going for a piss.

Hi, hey.

[grunts]

I used to be able to pop


when I ran the Bollinger tent
at Twickenham.

-Ooh.
-It's hard.

Hang on. Hang on.

-I'll get my driving gloves.
-[Amanda laughs]

-[cork pops]
-Ooh.

-[Amanda laughs]
-That's the ticket.

Mmm.

Do you ever think,
how did it come to this?

I'm barely in my late thirties,

I've got two amazing kids

and a burgeoning
lifestyle brand and,

I don't know, I still feel

overwhelmed by the next step.

[groans] Why am I
telling you this? [laughs]

No, no, no, go, go,
go on Amanda. I'm...

-I'm all ears.
-Sometimes I think,

am I cut out for this?

Do I have what it takes?

I know from the outside
it looks like

I've got it all, the teeth,

the glutes,
the personality, but...

on the inside,

I still feel like...

the tall gawky teenager

who couldn't fit
in the bucket seats

of their dad's sports car.

Amanda, are you kidding me?

Sorry.

You can do anything
you put your mind to.

You're a strong,
independent woman

who doesn't listen to the haters

just, just goes out there,

gets what she deserves

and-- and...

-F that sports car.
-[chuckles]

You can't help
having really long legs.

-I can't.
-You're go-getting.

I'm sorry, Amanda,

but you've got it going on.

You, you, you radiate success.

You're confident,

well turned out,
always smell clean,

you're a mother,

business lady, feminist icon.

If my girls grow up like you,

I will be a very proud father.

[moans]

[smooches]

I'm really sorry.

I didn't realize that it
wouldn't take tampons.

If I have to listen to Travis
one more time.

I just, I feel so helpless, Liz

being on hold at the mercy
of some woman

in a call center called Denise.

Think I've really messed up
this time.

Sorry. I mean,
why am I getting my knickers

in a twist
about a window fitting?

I just don't want
to let Garry down.

Oh, hiya, Denise.

Denise?

That was a cry for help.

Nobody can ever find out, okay?

Yeah, yeah, of course yeah.

It was a horrible,

horrible mistake...

that should never have happened.

Yeah, abs... absolutely,

absolutely with you on that one.

Couldn't agree more.

-Hang on.
-No, no,

leave them on.

I'm sorry, we need to stay
on the coach.

Oi, you,

Charlie's mom.

I just got off the phone
to the school

and I have reported you
for what you did.

Do you mind?
I'm just having a piss here.

-Oh, you're so gross.
-What? The toilet's blocked.

You're the one
who's 'king gross.

What's it even got
to do with you?

It's like you're so desperate
to prove to everyone

how PC you are.

I'm not trying to prove anything

except that
you're a total prick.

Uh, excuse me,

this is not
how we should be speaking

to one another, Moms.

This woman insulted my child

in front of the entire coach.
I'm escalating it.

You already escalated it

when you started this
in front of the kids.

-Who does that?
-Uh, time out,

please, Moms,
we need to be getting back

on the coach.

What are you doing here?
Who's minding the kids?

Why don't you just apologize?

[women arguing over each other]

Yes, mate, they're gonna
send through the parts.

Results.

Garry is gonna be pumped.

Hmm.

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,

I'm gonna hang on to that.

I'm waiting
for an email confirmation.

[women arguing]

[women continue arguing]

I'm quite happy
to stay here all day.

-[indistinct shouting]
-[Mrs. Lamb] No, thank you, Mom.

What the f*ck are you all doing?

I'm dealing with this
thank you, Mom.

No, you're not dealing with it.

That's the point.

You're all just shouting
at each other in a ditch.

-God, it's like Twitter.
-I'm just sticking up for you.

I know, babe, and I love you
so much for it,

but I just needed you
to listen to me

when I said, don't poke
the hornet's nest,

uh, please, don't poke
the hornet's nest.

And Mrs. Lamb,

this is
about the kids after all.

All I needed was for my daughter

to feel like
the school's got her back

and as far as safeguarding goes,
this school is about

as effective as
a sh*t in a sink.

Guys, what's going on?
What's the goss, kicking off?

No, please,

this is not
the Daily Mailsidebar of shame,

you can't just dip in and out
for shits and giggles, okay?

-Yeah.
-Soz.

It's okay.

[phone chiming]

Oh, flip the sh*t,

"part's out of stock."

Uh, sorry, excuse me,

nothing to say to me Jade's mom?

Because your mate's
got a lot to say to me,

or does she just do
your dirty work for you?

Do you just wind her up
do you and let her go?

I don't even know
what this is about...

-Hi.
-[Danny's mom] Actually...

-because it's just kids...
-Yes,

-this is she.
-[Danny's mom] ...messing about

in a school pla...
playground and...

Sorry, can you just hang on
a moment?

[Danny's Mom] ...everybody is
behaving like kids,

it's got nothing to do...

Hi.

No, it's a good time.

-[Danny's mom] Mrs. Lamb.
-Yes.

[Danny's mom]
Did you see what she just did?

[sobbing]

Oh my God.

Jesus, tonight.

[Meg sighs]

I just want you to know that

I will personally
take every complaint

very seriously from now on.

-[bus engines starts]
-[exhales]

[Mrs. Lamb]
Right, we're off.

And no more singing.

[children] Yeah!

-[retching]
-[scoffs]

[children singing]

Kev, what happened?

Nothing. What? N...
I've done nothing at all,

-I've done nothing.
-Driving test, Kev.

Oh, yeah, yeah, I've passed.

Ah, well done.

Look at my gloves.

Um, how, um, how was it?

Uh, how was... did you see
the dolphin mosaic?

Oh, we didn't get there.

Bloody coach broke down.

But I did get the all-clear.

-Oh.
-Oh, my God.

-Fantastic.
-[squealing excitedly]

Yay, Meggy!

Take it to your grave, Kevin.

Roger that.

Ivy's mom, a word.

Taylor's mom
has made a complaint.

[theme music playing]