01x07 - Last Christmas

[bunniefuu]

This programme contains
some strong language

Is that an extra large bottle
of Listerine for Mrs Lamb?

No, Liz. That would be rude.

No, I saw her in Costcutter
last week buying Malibu

and some potatoes.

Clearly, potatoes aren't
an appropriate gifting item, so...

I haven't got Lamb anything.
Not even a potato.

Can we just say
that's from all of us?

Oh, no, no, sorry.
I've sealed it already.

Oh, God, you're so good
at Christmas, Kevin!

It is one of my top skills,
along with changing duvets

and cooking rice.

Right, so what should I get Mother,
then, Mr Father Christmas?

Because last year she said not
to get her anything, so I didn't

get her anything, and then
she did Sad Face all day,

which is very mixed messaging.

Oh, oh, what about getting
an experience like, erm,

a hot-air balloon ride or zorbing?

What's zorbing?

It's when you roll down a hill
in a giant see-through ball.

She's an old lady,
Kevin, not a gerbil.

Right, well, what about dry slope
skiing, then, or canal barging?

Yes! That's it!

She's always banging on
about us going to Venice.

I'll take her there for the weekend.
Well done, Kevin.

In the words of Maui,
"You're welcome."

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.

Please ensure you take
all of your children's work

home with you.

That's from both of us.

Oh, I love it!

Oh.

Hello.

Hiya.

h*, h*, h*, hoes.

And Kevin.

Oh, nothing says Christmas
like noshing on a hot sausage.

Am I right, Julia?

Oh, no, no. My hot sausage noshing
days are over, unfortunately, Meg.

Christmas come early for you, then?

It's just a small one this year.

The big girls are away.

One's in Bali.
The other one's in Mali.

Hey, look what I got Bill
for Christmas.

Oh, that's hot!

I know.

You know, when I think of Bill,
I often picture him in leather.

I will pass that on.

I'm offski.

BIKE BELL RINGS

SHE GROANS

Damn! Sweet wheels.

Should've grabbed a selfie on that.

You want a stupid big bike
for Christmas, Kev?

In my dreams, Liz.

No, no, I've got
everything I want.

Christmas breakfast with my girls.

I've got to make sure I get going
by the time Jill wakes up,

and then it's back to the hotel
for turkey crisps

from the vending machine.

You still at the abyss?

It's the Ibis.

That's very funny, Liz.

I have to remember to tell
the other divorced dads.

They'll hoot at that.

Maybe not Oliver.
He's in a very dark place.

Jesus Christ!

No, it's all right.
He's on the ground floor.

And we took away his belt.

Right, that's it, Kevin.
You're coming to me, love.

No, no. I don't want to encroach.

God, I'm encroached
up to my arsehole!

I've got Mother and that pair of
bellends that birthed my husband.

No, the more the merrier.

Elizabeth and Geoff?
Oh, I love them! And Marion!

Thank you. Thank you, Julia.

You sure? Are you sure?

I could bring some...

I could... I could cook.

Yes, bloody please!

What about you, Elizabeth?
Got any plans?

Oh, well, Lee won the meat raffle
at the pub

so he's hosting for once.

I'm only here for the free sausages.

Oh, hot, hot, hot, hot...

Eh, all right, hot c*ck.

Here comes your girlfriend. Sh, sh!

All right, Amanda?

Oh, hey. You want to come to
Julia's for Christmas?

It's an open house.

Oh, thanks, Julia.

But we are having a blended family
this year.

Sounds like a horrific smoothie.

So Mummy and I are going over
to see Johnny and the kids.

And Tamara?

Yes, Kevin.

Why is everyone so obsessed
with Johnny's bloody wife?

And just...thank you.

ANNE: It's Christmas!

Only two more sleeps. I'm so excited
for hosting all the cousins.

Only 26 this year.

No, Mam, it's 29. Oh?

Yeah. Terrence, Orla, Daniel
and all their kids,

they were meant to go to the
Maldives with Sheila and Pat's lot

but then Magda went
and got Lyme disease.

Well, that's still only 15.

Plus Angela's Peter, Fionnuala,
Eve, Babette and Pat. Yeah.

And all their halves. Yeah.

BOTH: That's Sarah, Connell,
Jamal, John, Michael and Pat. Yeah.

And Dervla's Lula's
bringing her new fella.

So with her five boys that's...
BOTH: Cian, Cuinn, Ken, Cory...

..and Pat! Yeah!

That's never 29!

No, that's 32.

SHE GASPS

Oh, we're going to need

another side of beef.

Ah, there's a queue,
Phillip Schofield.

Yeah, OK. Sorry, sorry. OK...

TV: It's Christmas Day here
on BBC One, and we're broadcasting

live from Durham Cathedral.

How can it cost £1,000?

SHE SIGHS

Why is everyone going to Venice
all of a sudden?

It's not all that!
MAN: Bloody hell!

Are you going to spend any of
Christmas Day with your family?

I am building your present, Julia.

No, you're building
your present, Paul.

This cryo pool
is for the whole family.

Ice water swimming can add
12 years to your life.

And it can freeze off cellulite!

What the actual what?
How has it gone up again?

DOORBELL

I only left it for a second!

I think someone's
at the door, Julia!

By all means answer it, Elizabeth.

DOORBELL RINGS AGAIN

No? OK, fine.

Could you turn the heating up
a tad, Julia?

They must be saving on gas.

Shame I can't harness your bum gas,
Geoff. I'd save a bloody fortune!

# I, one King of Orient are... #

Oh, I don't think you're allowed
to say "Orient" any more, Kevin.

Well, am I allowed to say
"Persian feast"?

Sure ting, as long as
I'm not cooking it.

I know they don't celebrate
Christmas in the Middle East,

but, my goodness me,
do they enjoy an event meal!

Oh, right, right, I'm going to need
some muslin to drain my curd.

Oh... Marion, how lovely
to see you!

Happy Christmas, Kev. Mwah.

I left a little something
for you by the fireside.

Marion! You should be
on top of the tree,

you're such a bloody angel.

Kevin, please stop
trying to get off with my mum!

There you go.

Oh, look at that.

Check it out.

Oh, thank you, my baby.

Ooh!

When I have opened this,
meet me upstairs because

that jacket is...

Aha... A hat!

With a feather!
We watched The Crown, remember?

Uh-huh. And Princess Margaret
was riding the horse,

and then she got off
with that photographer. Mm-hm.

And you loved her hat.

Hmm.

It's handmade.
Not off the peg, Meg.

Oh? Do you love it?

Well, you're a b*stard.
You've done it again.

See you upstairs.

SHE EXHALES SLOWLY

Hummus? On Christmas Day?

I've got two children, Kevin!

They eat hummus every day
of the year.

No, this is just the meze,
the nibbles,

for the speech.

Oh, we don't do a speech.
No, not you.

The Quee... King's...
The King's speech.

No, yeah, we don't do that.

OK, well, what time's the walk?

What, from the sofa to the toilet?

Any time you like.

Stop it!

Next you're going to tell me you
don't put the Advent crown to bed.

Feet under the Christmas tree?

Shout up the chimney?

Kevin!

Where are you from, the 1840s?

Ah... We're not Victorian orphans!

Any chance of a top-up, Julia?

What time do think lunch
will be ready?

Oh, I don't know. Three, four,
five, nine - who can say, Geoff?

In the meantime, there's plenty
in there to stuff in your gullet.

Is this what we're eating?

No. No, no. This is for
display purposes only.

This is all going to be scraped
into the bin... Ah!

..serve the real food later.
Yeah! Yes.

Oh, Geoff, mind your pacemaker
near the hob.

Oh. Ha-ha...

OK.

Ready, get set...

..bake!

Oh...

Cheers!

DOORBELL RINGS

Oh! Mummy, you're here.

Mm.

Oh, you look very Christmassy.

You too, darling.

Like a gorgeous...sugar plum
pudding.

OK.

Hey, you guys...

Mummy! Have you been having
a lovely Christmas morning with

Daddy and Auntie Tamara?

BOTH: Yes.

Aw!

Ah.

What are they wearing?

Why are they dressed
like minor royals?

Dress for the job you want, I say.

A little something from Gan-Gan.

Gan-Gan?

Are you rebranding yourself?

Are you all right, darling?

I know this must be
difficult for you.

What? No, it's fine.

Fine.

There she is!

Hi.

Oh, God!

The curse of the Selfridges sale?

It's not a problem, Tamara.

It's just funny, isn't it?

So funny.

It's OK. I... I can change.

I'll just grab something
out of the laundry.

Oh, happy Christmas,
by the way, Amanda.

Happy Christmas!

Thank you so much for tracking down
to the deepest, darkest Isleworth.

No probs.

Sorry!

It's a bit crumpled.

OK, back in the game.

You literally just pulled that out
of a laundry basket, and...

Stunning!

Oh, no...

Right, drinks.

Hey. Hey!

Happy Christmas, Amanda.

Oh, we're doing that. OK.

Bellini?

Ah, a little early for me.
Thanks, Tamara. I'll wait.

Erm, love this whole
open plan kitcheny thing.

It's so great. Have you seen
the size of this island?

Yeah, it's a bit ridiculous.

Ja Rule could hold
the Fyre Festival on it.

EXAGGERATED LAUGH

That's funny.

You get it, Mummy?

Yes, of course I do.

Ah, you smell great.

AMANDA AND TAMARA: Oh, thank you.

You look quite puffy, darling.

Were you crying?

No! I...

I actually think I'm going
to have this Bellini

right now, actually. Mm.

Merry Christmas.

JULIA: Right, so there's a flight
to Venice, Treviso

stopping off at Frankfurt at 6:20,
which is now...

£697?!

Can I do anything, Kevin?

No. Shoo, shoo. Why don't you go
and peel a satsuma

or pull a cr*cker or
something, Mother?

Oh, smells delicious!

The things you can do with
a cauliflower, Marion. Ooh!

Oh, oh, could I get a selfie,
for the girls?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Why don't you two get a room?

MARION LAUGHS

Oh, stop it, Julia!

I hope you're not booking
that for me.

Mother! Well, I'm just not keen
on flying these days,

you know, since my knee replacement.

Yeah, well, I wasn't booking
anything, so it's fine.

Well, I'm not interested
in travelling any more.

Right, well, sorry for trying
to do something nice.

You can still do something nice.

I just don't want you
wasting your money.

No, it's all right.
Message received.

I tell you what, why don't you
just, erm, toddle off with a sherry

and go and eat some Bombay mix
or something?

You ungrateful old cabbage.

Can anyone read Chinese?

Oh, your parents are trying out
Ivy's magical goggles.

What, she's opened her VR set?

You never told me
we were opening presents.

No, yes, I did. I told you.
I told you when I came out

to tell you that we were
opening presents, Paul.

What's that weird smell?

Oh. Hey, Kev.

Ooh, hummus.

Can't remember the last time
I had hummus.

How's the... How's the hot tub
going?

It's a cryo pool.

It's great for icing your thighs
after a beasting at the velodrome.

Phooey. Sounds ace.

Erm, Julia, Julia, erm...

Where's your fish kettle?

Erm, with my lobster teapot.

I don't have a flipping
fish kettle, Kevin.

That's next year's Christmas
present sorted.

Mm! Oh, ha-ha-ha...

Geoff, help me!

Elizabeth is cage-diving
with sharks!

Help me!

Marion, you really must try
these electric goggles.

You know, you can go right up
Kilimanjaro with them?

Ooh! Wish me luck!

GEOFF LAUGHS

Prize for the best Christmas
present ever goes to me.

The cage won't hold!

Right, let's go to Dad's!

So, who's choosing the first song?

BOTH: Me!

Can we have Insane in the Membrane?

Yep. Christmas classic.

PHONE ALERT

Oh, you prick.

ANSWERPHONE: Please leave
your message after the tone.

Just checking this isn't a joke.

It isn't, is it?

SHE SHOUTS: You piece of total...

Aargh!

HORN SOUNDS REPEATEDLY

Right, who wants
a Christmas Calippo?

BOTH: Me!

Poor Daddy, stuck
in a train station.

I hope he doesn't fall on a live
rail and fry his knackers off.

Tin baked beans and sausage
or steak and kidney Fray Bentos?

CAR UNLOCKS, CHILDREN LAUGHING

WOMAN: Where's the other bag?

LAUGHTER

Oh!

MARION LAUGHS

Oh, oh, oh...

DOORBELL RINGS

Doorbell, Julia!

There's somebody at the door, Julia!

Oh...

DOORBELL RINGING

Doorbell's ringing!

JULIA: Don't worry, I'll get it!

Hey, maybe it's British Gas
about your bum, Geoff.

Lizzie?

Effing Lee. Oh, dear. Should I ask?

No. Oh, is everything...
No. ..OK?

Kevin's in the kitchen
straining cheese.

Oh. Happy Christmas!

No!

Oh, dear. What's up?

Bill got me a hat for Christmas,

a 400 quid, handmade
Robin Hood hat.

Bottoms up.

Crikey. I would've loved a £400 hat
rather than the pedal bin

that Paul got me. Or nothing.

Which is what I got Mother, again.

I don't think he knows me any more!

Of course he knows you.

He loves you
even though he knows you.

You two make us all want to puke.

Give us a look, then.

LAUGHTER

Oh, look at you!

Oh, it's so funny.

I literally cannot believe we were
in Val d'Isere the same season.

Please don't tell me -
you got off with that guy

who had the ice sculpture...

BOTH: ..in the shape of a p*nis!

THEY LAUGH

Sorry, Johnny! No, I didn't,

but Jean-Luc was totally into me.

Nightmare! You know,
he wasn't even French. No?

He was from Bolton.

Oh, stop it.
Tamara, that's hilarious!

Are you serious?!

Well, someone's full of
festive cheer.

Grandma? Grandma, come and play!

Hang on a second, babies. Come on!

Gosh, though, Val d'Isere! Yeah.

So glad I only went there once.

What a frozen meat market
that was. Yeah.

You went every bloody year
of your 20s, didn't you, darling?

Yeah.

Yeah, so sometimes I...

I do wish I could've gone back.
Yeah.

You know, for the fondues alone.

Very hard to get this one
to expand her horizons.

Well, to be fair, Mummy, you're
the one who wouldn't let me do

my gap year in South America
because you said I'd get r*ped.

Well, you would've got r*ped,
and I stand by that.

Do we have any rosemary?

Johnny, look at you!

Tamed at last.

Here you go, babe.

You'll find someone soon.

Maybe you will too, Mummy.

I hope it's done.

I don't want to poison you all.

Where's your meat thermometer?

Here.

Right. My work here is done.

I'd Instagram that.

If I was a d*ck.

Actually, should we feed the kids
in the living room?

Because this does look very nice.

Wait, wait, wait, wait!

Za'atar.

Now Christmas dinner is ready.

Aw!

Come here.

Can I just say
this is the best Chrissy ever?

Got my bessie mates,

the family...off in the house
and garden somewhere.

Mm? This is what it's all about,
isn't it?

Oh, hang on, hang on.

Just for my girls.

They're desperate to see how
my math tool turned out.

CAMERA CLICKS

OK.

Right, dinner! Kids, come on,
hurry up,

otherwise all your presents
are going to the charity shop.

I'll summon the elders.

Paul, dinner!

Could you pass me my towel?

Right...

TV: # Deck the halls
with boughs of holly... #

Oh.

# 'Tis the season to be jolly

# Fa la la la la... #

HE SWITCHES TV OFF

Marion?

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, oh, my God...

TOILET FLUSHING

Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God.
Oh, my God, oh, my God...

DOOR CLOSES

I should've gotten bog rolls
for Christmas instead

of those chocolates. Oh, my God,
oh, my God, oh, my God...

What? sh*t. What?

OK, OK, OK...

Breathe into this.

That didn't help at all.

There's a hole in that, Liz.

My God...

It's Marion.

She's passed!

She's no more.

What?

sh*t.

What do we do? What do we do?
What do we do?

What would Jill do?
She's great with death.

Shall I call Jill?
No, no, I won't call Jill.

What do we do? What do we do?
What do we...

Call an ambulance.

I'll tell Julia.

Yeah, all right. OK.

What about them?

Alive!

No, I mean, what do we do with them?

Oh, right. Just leave them
there for now,

just let them sleep. Right.

What about the kids?

They can't see Marion like this,
on Christmas Day!

No, yeah, good point.

Right, run across the road.

Tell Meg we're bringing
Christmas to hers.

Right. OK.

OK, OK, OK.

DOOR CLOSES

DOOR OPENS

DOOR CLOSES

They said the ambulance
was going to be a while, so...

This is huge.

This is... sh*t. I'm so drunk.

I don't know what to say.
I need to focus.

Kevin, have you got any cocaine?

Yeah, maybe don't say that.

We need to get the kids
over to yours.

We don't want to panic them.

Yeah!

Fine. I got this.

Hey, everybody!

Come on, we're going to... Oh!
Meg!

I'm fine.

MEG GROANS

I'll do it.

Fire!

There's a fire.

CHILDREN SHOUT

Christmas pud?

Oh... Amanda doesn't do pudding.
..I don't do pudding, no.

No, of course. Nor do we.

Oh, come on!

If anyone's allowed to do pud,
it's you.

Eating for two.

FELICITY GASPS

Oh, no.

We weren't going to say anything.

What... Are you...
Going to have a baby!

Isn't it the best?

Barely. It's very early days.

How does she know about this
before me, Johnny?

She noticed Tam wasn't drinking.

Sorry.

Oh, OK.

That's a bit of a shock.

I just didn't think we were...

I thought you were done...with that.

It's different for men, darling.
Yeah.

Your father was getting women
pregnant well into his '70s.

He'd give old BoJo
a run for his money.

We haven't even had a scan.

It may not even stick.

GLASS CLANGS AGAINST TEETH

Ow!

STIFLING LAUGHTER

SNORTS WITH LAUGHTER

Such a drama llama.

Any more fizz?

SNIFFLES

Right.

Who wants some salty snacks

and an overdose of sugar?
ALL: Me!

iPlayer, Netflix, Amazon,
Apple, Disney.

Oh, Boogie Nights is on.

Here, knock yourselves out.

Ohh, how did I get so drunk?

I only had a bottle of Baileys.

Here.

Espresso martini.

Don't want to go cold turkey
on the cream and booze.

One of these,

a roast dinner and a raw Berocca,

you'll be fit to operate
heavy machinery.

Do you like my hat?

No.

Where's the ambulance?

Did someone call the ambulance?
Yes, I did.

Why is it taking so long?

It's the busiest day of the year.

You've got your suicides,
your hypothermia, your overeating.

And then you've got
your knife wounds,

your alcohol poisoning, your burns.

Not to mention your
pre-existing medical conditions.

All right, Kev. Sorry.
Think I should check on my parents?

Oh, I'll do that. I'll do it.

I've left the boureki
in the oven anyway.

Don't want to be calling
the ambulance and the fire brigade.

Sorry.

Hey.

She was surrounded by people
who loved her.

And she'd just climbed Mount
Kilimanjaro, albeit virtually.

How many people can say that?

MESSAGE ALERT

Oh, Lee...

PANTING

Kev. AAAAH!

Sorry. Liz! Sorry.

Oh, God. Look, I know
this isn't the right time.

It's just that Lee's just texted,
asking me to pick him up.

I mean, like I'm going
to drive to sodding Cardiff!

Oh, my God.

What an absolute pr... I know.

Sorry, I can't concentrate
till I've picked the boureki up.

Look, look!

One landed in Marion's shoe.

God. Her little buniony foot
was in that a couple of hours ago.

FLOORBOARDS CREAK,
THEY SCREAM

Aah! Aah!

Elizabeth!

Woof! Babe, you hit that hard.

SIGHING

We're all going to die.

Nah!

Not me!

It's not just that, though.

There's something else.

What?

I hate this hat.

And it makes me feel like
you hate me.

Well, go on, you 'nana,
take it off.

Life is too short to wear
a hat you hate.

Thank you.

To be honest, I hate this jacket.

What?!

Well, it makes me look ten years
older, which is no mean feat.

Well...

I need another drink!

Is that the ambulance?

Oh, superb Christmas lights.

Er, Marion's still asleep, Julia.

Yes, thank you, Elizabeth.

There's no waking that one!

That's because
she's not asleep, Mum.

Yes, she is.
She's out for the count.

No, Mum, she's not. She's...

What did he say?

Boureki?

They've been on the floor.

Boureki?
They've been on the floor.

Boureki? They've been on the floor.

Boureki? That one's been in a shoe.

Actually, I'm not going to
leave her on her own, actually.

Pop the kettle on, would you, Julia?

TYRES SCREECH, HORN BEEPS
Ohh! Jesus Christ!

I could've k*lled you...
BOTH: You stupid cow!

What are you even doing here,
anyway?

I was just having a drive, Julia,
I think I'm allowed to do that.

What are you even doing

scuttling around like a big squirrel
in the middle of the road

on Christmas Day?

I'm going to see my mother, if you
must know, because she's dead...

God! Oh!

Oh, no, Julia!

STIFLED SOBBING

Oh, no, oh, Julia!

Don't touch me, thanks.

I didn't even get her a present.

And I wanted to, I just...

She knew.

No.

She was so proud...

Oh, sh, sh, sh.

CAR HORN BEEPING URGENTLY

I have to move my car.

So sorry.

CAR HORN BEEPING

I always thought you were very lucky
to have her, Julia.

Not all mums are Marions.

Well, last thing I said to her was,
"You ungrateful old cabbage," so...

CAR HORN BEEPING URGENTLY

Yes!

Of course, my father
fought in the Mau Mau uprising

in northern Kenya in the '50s.

Do you know any Mau Mau?

I grew up in Brockley, Geoff.

Oh.

Emily and Rosie have sent me
a cr*cker joke.

What do you get when you cross
a snowman with a vampire? What?

Frostbite.

CHUCKLING

That's so good.

It must be a Waitrose cr*cker.

Should I have gone?

To pick that prick up?

There's no trains tomorrow either.

No, Liz. F him!

You're needed here.

Julia needs you.

I need you.

I know Marion's dead, but the kids
are having a whale of a time.

Yeah, but he's their dad, you know?

He's their dad,

but we're your family.

IMITATES VOMITING

All right, I'll stay.

But never say that to me ever again.

DISTANT SIREN

They're have.

Is that for Geoff?

Geoff, did you hail an ambulance?

Yeah, OK, so...

SHE SNIFFLES

The wheel of Stilton
in the fridge...

Is that for
general consumption or...?

Yeah, you go for it, love.
Yeah.

OK.

Oh, Mum.

Let's get these guys in the car.

OK, in you get.

Pop your belts on, OK?
I'll just be one minute.

Mum, I need to tell you something.

Because life's too short
and I'll regret it if I don't.

Don't frown, darling,
you'll spoil your Botox.

I don't like you
and you obviously don't like me.

So I think it's healthier and kinder

if we don't go anywhere f*cking
near each other for a while.

FYI, there's a gift receipt
in your present for when you open it

and inevitably hate it.

You ungrateful old cabbage.

CHOIR SINGING
'DING DONG MERRILY ON HIGH'

Do I look sexy in your jacket?

Do I look sexy in your hat?

Oh, my little bag.
I love you.

Mm.

But you said it was for me,
Elizabeth!

It's not for me!

Aah! Jesus Christ.

Sorry.

We just didn't want to
interrupt your moment.

All we wanted to say was
we're here for you.

And now, also,
sorry for frightening you.

SHE LAUGHS

Right, shall we go over the road?

Cos actually, it really still stinks
of Geoff's guffs in here.

Yeah. Yeah.