06x18 - Tiffany Haddish, Meg Stalter & Bobby Moynihan

[bunniefuu]

Come on, come on 'Cause we're having a

ball We're just making some calls to

strangers We're back on the

cell When the world's gone to hell But

you're gonna feel swell When they

pick up From New York to

AlabamaThe

problem was throw our a*s in the slam,

because we're disturbing others, maybe

even your mother. Why don't you try to

crank Yankers tonight?Crank Yankers!

Hello?Oh, my god. That's so funny.

Thank you for calling Appliance Stop. How

can I help you?Hey, this is

insane. You're gonna die.

I don't know. Maybe you get these calls

all the time. So I'm. I have one of your

fridges here and my head's stuck in the

freezer and I know this sounds kind of

crazy. I'm just like, I don't know what

to do. You know, luckily I was texting

when it happened. I have my phone here to

call you. God, it sounds like a.

Big Pornhub plot, doesn't it?Like,

OK, my head's stuck in the freezer.

My stepbrother's coming home. He will be

home. Like, what the hell heck do I do?

Sorry, I'm not going to curse. My stepdad

would k*ll me. I'm like, sitting here in

my underwear. I'm like, what's going on?

You know, I call 911.

No. Oh, come on. I can't call 911

again. You know, I just called them last

week. No, no, noI I I'm just like, it's

one of your freezers. So I'm like, maybe

you can help me out and bear with me

here. I'm almost naked. You know,

my stepbrother's gonna come home, so I I

can't certainly just sit here all day and

let him see me in my panties. It's

cold in here. What am I gonna do?

I'm literally freaking out right now. Not

too sure what situation you're in.

I would call 911. Let me just tell you

again, my head is stuck in the freezer.

One of my arms is jammed up here too. I'm

also hot, so like, I mean, I don't know.

I do pretty well. Head stuck in a

freezer. Just another. You know, what day

is it?Tuesday. Wednesday. No. I

wish I had a suggestion for you. I just

don't. Oh, God. Sorry.

Jack's here. Good. He'll be able to help

you out. Hey, bud, don't come in the

kitchen. You're going to see your

stepsister naked if you do. Sorry. He

just got home. What?He'll be able to help

you out. Good. He cannot see me like

this. He will have sex with me. Just tell

him to close his eyes so he can come in

there. Jack, close your eyes, but and

also tie your hands behind your back.

He's so sorry. He's not gonna wanna.

He's not gonna come in here and help me.

What?He said. No, he's not coming in

here. You better not, bud. You'll be too

turned on. Our parents

just got married, so it's not that weird.

You know what I mean?It's not that weird.

Yeah, I hear you. I'm getting hungry.

I've been here for probably 2 hours and I

don't want to. I don't want to blast you

on Twitter. I have 500 followers who who

are going to see this if I if I

blast you, I'm not going to do that. You

know, I ate all the I ate. I ate all the

frozen pizza. I'm working on a popsicle

right now. Can you eat raw chicken

cold?You don't want to do that.

That's that's a bad idea. If it's like

defrosted, you'd get sick. But cold raw

chicken?Maybe. And that's a bad idea. Oh,

God. He just

told me our parents would never know if

we had sex. Well, yeah, sounds to me like

you're in good hands with. He just said

he's going to do it to me. No, you're

not. You're in. You're in good. You're in

good hands with that step robe of yours.

So he'll take good care. He said I'm in

the perfect position. Oh, wow.

I wanted to call the cops. I thought more

about what you said. But, you know, I

called them last week. They came over.

That's kind of a different genre than

what we're going for. I I faked a fire.

You know, I had a fireman over here. I

called somebody who used to work at

Blockbuster, told him to wear his

costume, come on over. I'm just like, I

don't know if I should call them today.

You know, I kind of need your help. And

Jack, I hear the TV on. What are you

watching?I don't know. He's such

a nerd, but I guess I would hook up with

him. I think I would. Is that

crazy?Hello.

I'm surprised he kept talking for even a

couple seconds.

Hello. Hi.

What's your name?My name is

Brad. Hi, Brad. My name is

Tammy. I came in there about, I would say

it's about a week and a half ago and I

was just there shopping and one of your

employees, he came up to me, said, ma'am,

why don't you sit down right here and let

me give you a foot massage?And I was

like, OK. And it

was quite amazing. And

very, very beautiful

experience for me. And I was just

wondering when he's going to be back

there. I've come in there about four

times since and I haven't seen him. He

was a tall gentleman, green eyes,

very strong hands. Is that you?

I have no idea. Where did you sit?

He had like a little stool that I I

guess you would normally use to stock the

shelves. Did he give you his name?I I

don't remember his name. I don't remember

him saying his name. I don't even

remember seeing a name tag on him. Was it

you?No. Oh,

it was the most amazing massage. I'm

telling you, I said to him, well, well,

damn, I don't know what you're doing. You

might as well suck on my toes. I was

being silly about it and he started to do

it. It was quite amazing.

I have. I don't. I don't even know.

What kind of hair do you have?Well, it

was kind of like a soft, dark

curly kind of hair.

Maybe. How tall is

about 5-7?

Now there there's not a guy in the store

who brags about how good he is at sucking

toes, is it?No, noThe

only guy that I would could think of

would be. Everybody else is in a

relationship, so I can't imagine anybody

else doing that. I didn't see. I didn't

see a no ring on his hand, that's for

sure. And he got the nibbling and

everything. Got got underneath my toes at

that. I was just in shock.

OK, yeah, I wish I could be more help,

but I'm. I'm just not sure who that would

be. Is that something that y'all?It seems

to me that's not something that you

normally offer there. No, I'm a little,

I'm a little shocked by it, to be honest

with you. That's not something that we

do. Well, I'm gonna tell you like this

right here. If you guys decided to offer

that as a service there, I would

definitely be willing to pay 120

to $200 a session. Well, it's not

something that we're going to be doing.

In fact, I'm going to make sure that it

doesn't happen again. I I don't mean to

be rude, but that's not that's

inappropriate here. Well, I'm tell you,

when I walked out of there, I almost slip

and fell. I was so damn wet. You know,

you can suck a toe like a

God. Well, I will check. I will check

around. That tongue was anointed. Oh.

I'm just trying to remember what he he

whispered in my ear. I will check around.

I got a couple of guys will be here in

about 15 minutes and I will check with

them. OK. I told several of my

girlfriends about this. They are

interested in the services as well.

OK, you need to give that man a raise in

the parking spot. That's what needs to

happen. Well, thank you, Tammy. I'll see

what I can find out for you. OK. All

right. We'll be by a little later on this

evening. I hope that is who you say it

is. OK. You know, I went down to the

Piggly Wiggly and tried to get that same

service. They don't have that there. All

right, well, thank you. I've got to run.

Tell Paul my pinky toe says hi. All

right, goodbye. Oh,

that's funny.

I don't think I know you. Before I did

CrossFit, I sat in a chair all day

long. Now, my

butt is so strong, I can pop a water

bottle between my butt cheeks.

OK. I'm the happy one. I'm the one

elated. I'm the one with a smile from ear

to ear. Federal judge,

Dr. p*nis. Check me out on the

'gram.

Fit, this is Misha. Hi, how you doing

today?I came into your gym recently and

I signed up for some weekly classes and

I'm already seeing results, which is

fantastic. And now

that's all I can think about. What is

your name?My name, well, it used to be

Daniel Sharon, but now it's Doctor p*nis.

I call myself Doctor p*nis because I have

a newfound sense of confidence and I've

always wanted to have that nickname. I've

never had a nickname before, so I got it

tattooed on my face. I got it tattooed on

my belly. I got it tattooed on my arms

and my arms keep getting bigger because

of CrossFit and I love this place.

So I just call them. I say thank you.

Yeah, I don't think. I don't think I know

you. I don't know if you do, but I think

you might, because before I was a family

man. You know, I was just Daniel Sharon

with my three kids and my beautiful wife.

Now I eat 50 lbs of bison meat in a week

and I drink alkaline water.

Is that a Daniel Shannon?That's my

name. Can you can you look it up in your

computer?Sorry, Daniel. I only got 1

Daniel in my system and his last name's

not Sharon. Well, I don't

think you're supposed to give out that

information, to be honest. So now I got

you on a legal technicality.

Before I did CrossFit, I sat in a chair

all day long. Now

my butt is so strong I can pop a water

bottle between my butt cheeks.

OK, I asked the defendant the other day.

I'm a judge. I asked the defendant the

other day, how many burpees can you do?He

said, what's a burpee?I sentenced him to

death. He was only there because of a

parking violation, and now he will die by

the government's hand. Uh-huh

What kind of judge are you?Federal. The

Federal Court of the United States.

You're a federal judge. Yes. Daniel

Sharon, AKA. I didn't know we had any

federal judges. Well, yeah, I mean, I

don't. I don't go around. I'm not a

bragger. I'm just, I'm just humble Dr.

p*nis trying to work out. And what do

your kids think about that?Are they

happy, like, if you come to their school

with, like, Dr. p*nis tap it on your face?

I tell him it says Hogwarts.

They're toddlers. They're toddlers. One

is 3, one is 4, and one one is about to

be born again.

Oh, OK. Yeah, give me your phone number.

I can't find you in my system, so you got

to give me your phone number. No sweat.

You got to get a better computer. Do you

have a pen?Yeah. OK. My

number is . OK.

Horn, Norn, 6, Gorn,



Oh, I got you. Can you read that back to

me so I got-- so I make sure I got it?



Nope. I appreciate-- it's



Okay, well, I gotta go. I got some

customers coming in. Can you read that

number back one more time?Can you sing it?

Can you sing it to me?



Awesome. Now, I'm gonna give you a beat

and you rap about it. Ready?You're gonna

get-- you're gonna rap to me?No, No noI'm

gonna give you a beat and then you give

me that phone number right back at me.

Ready?Oh, okay. One, two,

one, two, ever, ever. 606-66-wah.

Three, eight, two, three.

How's that?I'm gonna say damn near

perfect, girl. All

right, I'll be seeing you around. You

made my day, I love you. I can't wait to

work out, come over there and get all

swole. I'm gonna be the one wailing on my

lats with the Dr. Petis tattoo. All

righty. Have a good day. I love you,

bye. Love you, bye.

I can't. I can't believe she did it.

A jelly bite left unwhizzed for an hour

can be fatal. Did you know that?So how

did the jellyfish sting you?Were you in

the water?I was dangling my tootsies.

You don't know whose boat you were on?I

did not call to be questioned like the

Inquisition. I simply wanted to be

urinated on.

Niles Standish calling back.

Yacht Club. Hello. Is this the Yacht Club?

Yes, it is. And whom am I speaking with?

This is Marvaline. Wonderful, Marvaline.

I am calling to lodge a complaint

against your Yacht Club's

personnel. OK. I was

stung by a jellyfish on my foot, and I

asked one of your workers to make

whizzies on my foot, and they refused.

Can you believe it?I even offered them



my feet, and none of them would pull out

their little tallywhackers and urinate on

my foot. Now, is that the sort of service

that you are offering at the Yacht Club

these days?I'm sorry,

but, um.. That's kind of personal, so

I don't think somebody would do something

like that. Well, what do you mean?

To urinate on somebody's foot?That's kind

of personal. Well, no, not the way I do

it. I like it in public. It's bad enough

they let the jellyfish get away with such

a violation to touch me. But for your

crew to withhold their sweet, sweet wet

aid from a gentleman like myself, it's

it's simply unacceptable. Mm-hmm

That cough sounds pretty bad. Want me to

urinate on it?I think I'm going to

transfer you to the general manager. Hold

on.

Yacht Club, this is Cindy. May I help you?

Oh, no. I just wanted to follow up with

Marvaline. What did you want?I

was on a very, very lovely

yacht party where my foot had been stung

by a jellyfish. I came to the dock.

I was met by a couple of workers from the

art club and I asked them to

simply urinate on my foot

and they they refused. Do you know who

the employee was?He was about medium

height, brown hair and very stingy

with his urine. Does that ring a bell?

No, they're all medium height.

And are they all stingy with their urine?

Let me tell you, I was 4. How would I

know?I don't know.

There's really only one way to find out.

You know, I was forced to barge into the

gents. How do you know they were an

employee?Employees have

a name tag on. They have a name tag on. I

was so blinded by pain that I wasn't

reading name tags. All I remember was,

and let me tell you this, Cindy, I was

forced to barge into the gents and

announce the plumbing is broken, water my

foot instead. And then I even then

people were sort of reluctant to do it. A

jelly bite left unwhizzed for an hour can

be fatal. Did you know that?So how did

the jellyfish sting you?Were you in the

water?I was dangling my tootsies.

Oh, OK. Do you know?You don't know whose

boat you were on?I did not call to be

questioned like the Inquisition. I simply

wanted to be urinated on. What I would

like, Cindy, is if you could gather your

employees. Have them all tinkle into a

jar. I'll swing by and pick it up and

then I'll have it just in case

I'm on my way.

I have just one thing and I'll let you

go. This is Sherry again, the lady that

loves Christmas. Would you mind singing

little drummer boy with me?That would

really make me happy today. Ma'am, this

is a business and we we're kind of in a

business. Is it a Christmas business?

You're going to get cool.

How may I help you?Hey there, this is

Sherry. I have a question about

your store. Yes, ma'am.

I've noticed because I shop there often.

There hasn't been any holiday music

lately and it kind of bothers

me. Is there a reason

for that?

We're playing Christmas music. Oh, great.

Well, that's good to know. What's playing

right now?What's the Christmas song

playing right now then?I think something

that Dolly Parton's singing. Oh, I love

Dolly. I love her so much. Now,

do you have any Santa outfits by any

chance?I'm not sure, but we've got some

shirts with Santa on them. OK.

Now, I I don't want you guys to stop

playing Christmas music. Like when July,

when January comes. Oh, no, ma'am. We're

playing Christmas. Now what?What if it's

February?You know, can you still play it

then?Ma'am, I'm not. I'm not really sure

what music we'll be playing in February.

What's your favorite Christmas movie?Hold

on just a second, ma'am. Home alone. Me

too. Kristen, can you make your call with

the person on the phone, please?Asking

about music and if you have any Santa

outfit. What we're playing in January.

You guys should definitely put Christmas

music while a person is on hold.

Hello. That's the Grinch. h*,

h*, h*. Call them back.

Thank you for calling your This is

Kirsten. We're grateful for your call.

It's me, Sherry, again. I I called a

second ago and I just want to chat a

little bit more about the Christmas

things that you have in your store. All

right, go ahead. Well, I am a Christmas

advocate. I I just love. Holly

and mistletoe and oh boy, I

hope I get a mistletoe this year. Kiss

under the mistletoe. But

yeah, I was. I wanted to know if you have

Santa outfits in the store right now.

We have Christmas out like we're playing

Christmas music. We do have some

Christmas apparel. We have Christmas

decor. Now, how many

hours a day would you say you listen to

Jingle Bells?

h*, h*, h*. You got to call them back

again. Thank you for calling.

How may I help you?I have just one thing

and I'll let you go. This is Sherry

again, the lady that loves Christmas.

Would you mind singing little drummer boy

with me?That would really make me happy

today. Here's the Do you know the song on

the phone here who wants me to sing a

song for her?Hello. Oh,

wonderful. Call back. May I

help you?Hi. I've been calling

just to discuss. I want to know about the

Christmas things you have in the store

and I just wanted to. Ma'am, this is a

business and we we're trying to run a

business. Is it a Christmas business?

Call them back. May I help you?

I just. I have to say one more time. You

got to have more Christmas. Christmas.

Christmas. Goodbye. Have a good day.

Calling back. May I help you?

Hey, this is Sherry. I just want you to

know Santa. Lady, I hate Santa

Claus and I hate Christmas. OK, I think

I'm going to cry. Goodbye. Oh, my God.

Look at that.