06x09 - Jimmy Kimmel, Bobby Brown & Kyle Dunnigan

[bunniefuu]

Come on, come on 'cause we're having a

ball We're just making some calls to

strangers We're back on the

cell when the world's gone to hell But

you're gonna feel swell when they

pick up From New York to

AlabamaThe

problem was throw our a*s in the slam

because we're disturbing others, maybe

even your mother. Won't you try to crank

Yankers tonight?Crank Yankers!

Who is the Hollywood hunk that was in

Thelma and Louise?It

was Steven Tobolowsky.

Hello. Sorry. Hi, can you hear me?Yes,

this is Dusty . Yes, hi. Who's this?

This is Paul Patterson calling from NPR's

brand new show Phone Home, the only quiz

show that you can do while watering your

geraniums. One of your students submitted

you for being a contestant on our brand

new show. You ready to get going?Yeah,

sure. This is awesome. All right, great.

Well, let's just start you off here. We

have a bunch of great prizes, but as

always, the show is brought to you by

Gene Lettuce's catalog, the full service

lettuce buying experience for those who

love mail. This color falls between

orange and green on the rainbow of

colors. No spoiler alerts. But it

does rhyme with

Shmello. What rhymes with Shmello?Oh

gosh, I'm going to go with yellow. I'm

going to take a take a guess. You're

yellow. Oh, that is right. And you just

won a replica of Scott Simon's stapler.

OK, let's keep this game going. The

iconic children's book character Harry

Potter is known as a boy

blank. Is it a wizard,

B lizard, or C

Blizzard?As you think about it, you

remember you are playing for a first

edition copy of Diane Rehm's new vampire

erotica novel. A final answer. A

final answer. Wizard, you got it. This is

amazing. As you know, our show is

entirely supported by listeners like you,

and I'm going to ask you to make out a

check for $400. This is the only game

show where our contestants give back to

us. Wait, I have to pay you guys?

Well, because you're supporting the

station. Yeah, I mean, don't don't I

already do that with, like, NPR?You owe

us. And we will send you a tote bag that

says I won. We only made fifty of these.

The Neiman Totenberg's Toten bag. So this

is like a $400.00 tote bag. Or you could

give us your car. Wow, this is a

lot. So wait, OK, so I won, but I have to

pay you guys. What you don't understand

is this is the game show where you win us

money. That's right. Every point that you

get on the board gives us money. Can I

can I can I think about this or like is

it like right now or your prizes again

tax deductible. And we will send our

collector, Larry Mantle over to your

house to collect it. You can collect it

over PayPal or that little thing that you

put inside your phone. Yeah, I I got to

think about this. I OK. I don't know if I

have 400 bucks to spend right now. All

right. Well, how about this?We will play

one more round then. And if you win this,

you don't have to pay us anything. You

get the money. You get $1000. Let's go

right here, OK?OK, when making

traditional French quenelles, what

variety of force meat is used?

Oh, man, what do you call it when you

stuff the duck?Oh, is that foie gras?

I'll go with foie gras. Oh, it is pike.

Pike. This is the

Latining round, where all answers must

be in Latin. Please

tell us the story

of George Washington cutting down the

cherry tree. And you and you want me to

say that story in Latin?In

Latin. OK,

Ipsum pretu

Washingtonis Max. No, it's

George Washington syndic Lindem est

serasus. Oh, you

just went into the top of the quarter

hour, which means one thing. You are now

at our big 5000 donation from you

to us. Yeah, you all are putting me in a

tough spot. We thank you so much. And we

will be sending our man to your house,

which is I believe at North

Portland, OR. Am I right about

that?Yeah. How?

I feel like there's a lot of laws being

broken right now. So thank you so much.

And remember, you have the choice of your

car or $10,000. We'll take whatever costs

more. Thanks for listening to Phone Home.

Well, thank you for this wonderful

opportunity. I think. I

turn the radio on, I turn the radio up

And this woman was singing my song Lovers

in her love and the others run away

Thank you for calling. Oh, hey, hey,

I am in need of a couch. I'm just

wondering who I need to talk to about

that. OK, I might can help you. What are

you looking for exactly?What I'm looking

for is I need a I need a big couch and

then the the other issues. I need some

type of partition on the couch for just

like when I'm watching TV and stuff with

my old lady cause. She does a lot of like

yelling at the screen and it makes me

really, really pissed offAnd so like, I

just need a barrier between your her and

me. So you're looking for like a console

in the middle. Yeah, like a console, but

also like a barrier, you know what I mean?

So to like keep her like yelling and all

her little nonsense on her side. So like,

especially like when it gets like she

starts yelling and be like, Oh no, no,

run, run. And I'm like, hey lady, you

know what I mean?Shut the hell up. So we

just keep that barrier up. Then we don't

got to worry about us getting into any

little tiffs or anything like that. It's

just like not what I'm trying to do, you

know?OK. I don't know if I have

any with like a barrier, but I definitely

have some with consoles and it kind of

splits the middle. That may be what

you're looking for. Oh, OK. But I mean,

do you do custom work?Cause you know,

money ain't a thing to me, you know?Hey,

shut up, man. I'm on the damn phone.

Yeah. So like, money's nothing. You know

what I'm saying?Like, I I mean, I should

have started with that. I'm a baller, so.

I'm not worried about the bread at all,

but I I just need what I need done. So

maybe, you know, tell me how much more

it's gonna cost for us to just like kinda

throw a wall up, you know what I mean?

Just like Trump style, get something just

in between us. I got you.

I mean, we don't custom make any

furniture, but we do get in lots of

pieces. We have a good price range. So I

mean, if you're looking for something

really nice, we definitely have that.

What if instead of like a wall wall, you

could like, you could like get some like

extra, you know, cushions, you know what

I'm saying?We could. Cause you got to

have cushions. You got hella couches. If

we could get some cushions and kind of

build it up, kind of like a like a Fort,

you know what I mean?Yeah. I mean, we

definitely have some couches. I just

really need to. I need a barrier, you

know?Right. I got you. I think we have

what you're looking for. I can't

hear the lady because you keep yelling.

Sorry. SorryCan you go ahead?Can you?

Sorry. Can you say what you're saying?

Yeah. I think we can pick you up for

sure. What's your name?My name is Callie.

Callie. Yeah. I mean,

OK, so she eats a lot of garlic in the

breath get wild too, you know?And I don't

like that. So I mean, maybe we need a

front. We need a front and a side joint.

You know what I'm saying?With just like a

little peek hole through it so she can

she can see the sh*t that she wants to

see. And I can have a damn Peace of Mind

in my house where I pay all the g*dd*mn

bills. Mhm. What kind of color you got?

You got, you know, we've got.

All kinds of different ones. We have

brown, tan, Gray. We've got leather,

we've got upholstered. You got anything

snake skin, like a snake skin couch?Cause

that sounds baller as to me. That sounds

like what big, big ballers and big p*mps

do. We do not have any snake skin in

them, ma'am. OK, well if I I got the

bread, you know, can we can we maybe get

some snake skin in that thing?Get some

snake skin, just maybe just snake skin

arms, just the arm snake skin and then

the rest of the couch, just, you know,

couch. Unfortunately, we're not set up to

customize like that. You know, you might

have to go elsewhere. Damn. What if I

bring in my own snake skin?If I bring the

snake skin, can you can you hook me up?

Maybe something under the table?You know

what I mean?I slide you as what?I mean, I

don't know how 100K. If I knew how to put

snake skin on those arms for you, I

would. I promise. All right, cool, cool

So what kind of couch you got?What?What

What are you sitting on?What are you

working with?Personally, I like

my sectionals, but you know, we offer

those too. We got sectionals and

upholstery. OK, OK, OK

And is your home life good where you

don't need like a wall or nothing like

that?Yeah, we're good. Shut the hell up.

OK. I'm gonna leave you for this woman on

the phone who has a better attitude.

Jesus. You know what?I'm gonna just

call a bricklayer. I'm gonna put a wall

up between us. OK. All right. All

right. You just ruined our new couch.

Thank you. All right, bye.

I had a friend who went to Antarctica and

he had his testicles freeze up on

him. And I just don't want anything like

that happening to me. It's a different

kind of cold, #1. You're talking about

something that he did, like there was a

wet cold and ours is a dry cold. We used

liquid nitrogen. What do you mean liquid

nitrogen?Do you mean that that my p*nis

might explode?Frozen p*nis.

OK.

Thank you for calling. This is Lisa. How

may I help you?Hi, Lisa. Lisa, this is

Mike. Listen, I'm a boxer

and I'm, I'm going to be having fights

really soon. So I've been working out

like constantly. OK. But I was

wondering, I heard about cryotherapy.

And I was wondering, does it stiffen up

your muscles and your and your joints and

stuff?Yeah, so it's fast recovery. So we

had a guy that was actually a boxer that

was coming here and he would do the

compressions for his legs and then he

would, I mean his arms and then he would

do whole body cryo and sometimes I'll

localize his elbow. Yeah, I'm trying to

make sure that if I do this cryotherapy

thing. You know that like my p*nis

doesn't stiffen up and break off. You

know, you know what I'm saying?It's not

going to do that. Why would it do that?It

wouldn't never do that. This is this is

my worry. No, it would never do that. No,

it would. I'm just saying my p*nis is is

thin and brittle and I I just want to

make sure, you know, it doesn't freeze

off. It's not going to freeze off.

There's a lot of people that go in there.

Nothing on and nothing happens. You have

to understand I'm a I'm a ladies man

outside of the ring. Well, everything

will still be intact when you come out

the ring and come out the cryo. I had a

friend who went to Antarctica and he had

his testicles freeze up on him and I just

don't want anything like that happening

to me. No, it's nothing. It's

not. It's a different kind of cold #1.

You're talking about something that he

did like there was a wet cold and ours is

a dry cold. We used liquid nitrogen. What

do you mean liquid nitrogen?Do you mean

that that my p*nis might explode?No, no,

no, no, no, noIt's

just the gases. It's just cold. And

you're in there for only three minutes.

It's that's that's just about how long

the boxing match is. Everything will be

fine. Nobody's had penises break off

and had to use scotch to tape the table

back on. Nothing happens. It doesn't

break off. It don't freeze off. I have

people that do it every single day. I

don't want to get no ouchy booboos. No

ouchy booboos. What happened to you?My

Willie won't be chilly. It might be a

little chilly, but it ain't gonna fall

off. Do you have any warm rooms?We

have the infrared cabin and we have the

zero gravity bed. Zero gravity. That

sounds interesting. So it's like a dry

float. It's like, you know, like floating

in the water, like a salt water. But it's

dry so you don't get wet at all. It

keeps my ba*ls warm. I guess it will if

you turn over, but we don't want you

turning over. So you laid on your back.

How big is the cryo room?I don't know. I

don't know what the size is, but you

should be fine. Can I bring my sparring

partner, you know, to do some cold

training?You want to bring who with you?

My sparring partner. You can't go in

there at the same time. It's one person

at a time. That's not fair. So big enough

for one person. I won't start crying or

anything in the cryo room, right?If you

do, I'm. I'm just going to post it on

Facebook and have every. Why would you do

that?That's not nice. Because you're

going to be crying. We can't have no

boxer being a punk and then want to cry

about it. Hey, there's no punk in

me. OK, Now, will you be

assisting me in this, this cryogenic

competition?Yeah, as long as you're here

between 8:00 and 4:00. Cause I I leave at





you then. Is it a female?Yes.

OK, now we're talking. Now we're talking.

Do you want to call me back or do you

want to make an appointment?I like to

punch things with my p*nis. Oh, my

Lord. You probably never heard things

like that. No, I have not. My p*nis has

sweaters and jackets and all kinds of

things. All right, well, I got to go.

And so if you have any other questions,

just give me a call back, OK?This place

better not freeze and make my p*nis fall

off. I know that. It will not do that.

I don't want to be frozen like Walt

Disney. Nice

talking to you, Lisa. All right, you too.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

I'm just not. I'm kind of at a loss here,

Pete. I I'm used. I'm keeping this thing

as a pet, and it's acting real weird now.

Yeah, well, they're not meant to act

weird. They're not meant as pets.

They're meant to cook and eat.

Imagine if I was checking my just one

second, guys. I need to check my Twitter

notifications.

Fish market. Hey, who am I talking to?

Pete. Pete. Hey, it's David. How you

doing?What's up?I came in there last week

and bought a crab from you guys and

he was acting real live. You know, he was

like fine for first couple days. He was

crawling out of the bathtub and stuff and

but now he's acting kind of sick. Do you

guys give your crabs antibiotics down

there?Do we do what?Your

Do you use antibiotics with your crabs?

No. I'm just not. I'm kind of at a loss

here, Pete. I I'm used. I'm keeping this

thing as a pet and it's acting real weird

now. Yeah, well, they're not meant to act

weird. They're not meant as pets. They're

meant to cook and eat. Maybe he just

needs a friend. I because I I was just

wondering because I noticed down at the

store you guys have a lot kind of piled

in there and I'm wondering if maybe I

just need to come by more cause he misses

his buddies. Not the same batch as you

got last week. It's a new batch of guys

over there. Of course. Oh,

and do they have names already, or will I

have to pick out new ones?You have to

pick out new ones. You're not acting like

this is a very big deal. My pet is sick.

No, it's not. Because these are meant

to cook and eat. They're not meant for

pets. Says who?Says

nature. I'm putting a squeaky toy in

there. He won't play with it. He's not.

He's not fetching anything, Pete. I can't

help you with that. I'm just if I eat

him, he'll never play games or be around.

He'll then be gone. No, they're not meant

for pets. He pinched me the other day

when I was cleaning his tank. And now I'm

starting to wonder if he got that

attitude from you because you're giving

me a little bit of sass. I don't know

what to tell you. What would you do if

your crab was dying?I'm being honest with

you here. I would cook him and eat him. I

love him. OK.

I don't know what to tell you. Listen,

man, I can't help you. He's licensed as

an emotional support animal. I'm not

selling pets. I'm selling food. Let me do

the math here. I came in there and bought

a crab and now I have a pet crab. And

you're not a pet store?No. He's my

friend. Do you eat your friends?

Calling back.

Fish market. Hey, I want to apologize

to you. I I called up here earlier and

was talking about my crab, keeping it as

a pet. And I just wanted to apologize and

tell you that I cooked it and ate it and

you were right. And I'm sorry. All right.

Yeah, I cooked it and I sucked. I sucked

on the head part of it. It's juicy. It's

it's tasty. You were. You're on to

something. No problem. Everything I've

been thinking was a pet or a friend. I'm

going to start eating it now. What else

am I wrong about?

He was awesome. I love that guy. Is there

anything else I could assist you with?

Anything other than I got a bucket stuck

on my head?No. And I I certainly do

apologize. They should be paper, so you

should be able to rip it easily.

All right. Thank

you for calling KFC. How can I help you

today?Hello there. I got a problem with

the restaurant that I went to. Alrighty.

Well, I would love to help you with that.

Let me get just a little bit of

information from you, if you don't mind.

First of all, I love your chicken. It's

beautiful. Oh, great. Oh, it's just

right. Perfect. And I love the mashed

potatoes with the gravy on them, right?

Sometimes I like to mix it up real good

and drink it. That's how good I like it.

Right. Yes, Sir. Good stuff. The

coleslaw is great and the

biscuits are delicious. Yes,

Sir. Well, you need to work on the hats

you give out cause they're too tight and

I'm stuck in one. Hats. I

didn't know we did hats. The hats that

the chickens come in at.

I finished it and I put on my

hat and now I can't get it off. Uh oh.

You should think about the people with

large ears like myself. All

right, I agree. I will definitely put in

for them to have bigger buckets. And now

I can't get it off my head though. And

I'm. Dialing with my feet. Maybe

you'll come by here and get this off of

my head. I wish I could, but our

roads are super icy and so I

I don't think I'm going to be going

anywhere. They are. I

can't tell because I got a hat on my head

that I can't see anything with right now.

I'm bumping into everything and my head

smells like chicken. Could I get your

first name, please?Alma Higgins is my

name. Usually I get the three

piece. Last night I

went wild. Oh dear.

And I woke up this morning with a hat

all over my face and now I got

chicken in my ears. Well, I do apologize.

I think they're made out of paper, aren't

they?It's not your fault, darling.

So I will definitely put in a request.

It's whoever made these crazy hats.

Right. I I completely understand. I will

definitely put in your suggestion for the

bigger bucket. And there's an echo in

here too. Is there anything else I could

assist you with?Anything other than I got

a bucket stuck on my head?No. And I I

certainly do apologize. Um, they should

be paper, so you should be able to rip it

easily. Oh, you know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna drive to the store and maybe

they can do this for me over there.

Right. Well, if you've got a bucket or a

hat on your head, I would definitely be

careful driving. Oh, all right. I'll get

in accidents all the time. It's OK. I'm



related that I could help you with?You

know what I'm going to do?I'm going to

try to get into my car and I'm going to

start driving over to your place. All

righty. Well, Sir, thank you so much for.

I'll bring you some chicken. Well, thank

you. Hold on. Maybe if I push against the

chair, I can get this off.

Ow. You OK?

I got good news and bad news.

What's the good news?I'm out of the hat,

but I'm stuck in the lampshade.

Oh, no. I'm sorry to hear that. I'm gonna

drive over there now, Sir. That's, um,

that's probably not a good idea. I'm

getting in my car now, Sir.

OK. Chicken lady. See you soon.

Where the hell is the steering wheel?

Seems so nice.