06x08 - Kathy Griffin, Trixie Mattel & Chelsea Peretti

[bunniefuu]

Come on, come on 'Cause we're having a

ball We're just making some calls to

strangers We're back on the cell When the

world's come to hell But you're gonna

feel swell When they

pick up From New York to

Alabama

Crank

Yankers! I think I might just do a Boston

accent for the whole thing. It just makes

me feel dirtier. It's funnier.

Hi, is this the car...

Car Wars. Hi, is this the car wash?Is

this the oldest hand-washing car wash?

Yeah. Okay, good. I got a problem.

I took my car to get washed. They got a

nice hand washing and I come home and

my boyfriend's like, why does your car

smell like ba*ls?And I'm like, my car

doesn't smell like smells like ba*ls,

Jenny. ba*ls. Like

it smells ba*ls, like musky

grundle bundle. It smells so bad. I

don't know it what died. I thought it

smelled lemony. He thinks it smells like

ba*ls. And now my problem is that he

thinks I'm cheating on him because it

smells like a nut sack. Oh.

What'd you guys do to my car?Well,

nothing. They only vacuum it out.

No, something happened. We're talking

like post dump ba*ls. I wouldn't. I

didn't even notice it. My boyfriend gets

in and he's like, who you had in here?And

I'm like, no one. Look, we only

use a chamois and they

vacuum inside. You know, they

ain't even all the way in there. Tell you

what, you ever you ever farted?Doesn't

take that long. You're in and out. You

ever date a basketball player and you

take a whiff of the ball right after a

game?No, no, I don't.

Like a tall man's nut

sack. That's what it smells like. Well,

I'm really not familiar with that smell.

Really. Really.

You don't date. You don't date. It's

been many, many, many years. You never

forget. Well, and I've

never, you know, never

smelled that. I

don't even know what it would smell like.

I'll tell you what it would smell like.

It's distinctly masculine and

sweaty. And that's what the whole the

mats, the center console,

everything has like a musk. And I'm

thinking, did somebody come in there?Did

they just eat a bunch of chili and then

just. Pass away. I don't know.

They're like I say, they're not in the

car that long. Car wash is supposed to

be a safe, erotic place. And now I'm

coming out. My boyfriend's like, you're

cheating on me. And I'm like, I don't. A

safe, erotic place. A car wash. It's a

car wash. It's supposed to be you leave

clean. You go in filthy and you don't

leave smelling like ba*ls. But I guess

you guys have a different set of

standards. No. Can I get a list of all

your employees?Yeah, I've got right here

too. I'm standing right here with them.

Run them down. Let me hear them. Let me

by voice. And I'll know if they're, if

they're assholes and they're grundles,

what they smell like. Let's hear their

names. I'll tell you who's stinky.

I remember they were like, when all

family

k*ll you, they get in and they dry a

vacuum. I don't know.

And then what?Answer me that. And then

what?And they vacuum

inside, you know, wipe the windows off.

It's not even inside when we do that. You

know, nobody stays in the car.

Somebody stayed in my car. Somebody was

in the vehicle for an indeterminate

amount of time. Look, we we have lines

here. You know, one comes in, we wash it,

pull it up here, dry it. The other car

comes in. You know, it's just what

happens between. Nothing.

NothingWell, as

soon as we pull that out, we got another

one coming in. It's like a constant pull

through. Now here the last few weeks

we've been having women work. There it

is. And you know what?I think you give

these these guys a lunch break, they're

having other women come in or the women

you hired and women don't belong in a car

wash. No, we ain't got time for no, we

don't have time for a lunch break, Hon.

We just eat on the go here. You know,

take a bite here and there. We don't ever

sit down to eat. You're eating in the

car. That's you're eating in the car. And

it's lunch meat. Nobody eats in

the car. I know a loose meat sandwich,

but I smell it. That's what it is.

Loose meat. But I don't know what to tell

you, Hon. Well, maybe you should be

having your employees wash their nuts

instead of washing cars, cause it smells

like a jungle. I mean, whoever cleaned in

there went ba*ls to the wall. Literally.

Anyway, I'm going to bring my car by

later, because if I'm being honest, now I

can't live without the smell. I need

another spray down. Yeah.

Hello.

Board game. All right, let's

let's do this. This

is Ryan. Hey Ryan,

my name is Craig and I I have a game

emergency. How can I help you?I

was playing Chutes and Ladders with my

mom, but we lost the instructions

and we're starting to argue about

which chutes and which ladders do

which things. Do you know how to play

Chutes and Ladders?It's been a while

since it has, but yeah, I've played it

before. So what?What's going on

with this thing?

Yeah, what's going on with

this thing?Where?How are you supposed to

put it?Cause there's a bunch of ladders

and a bunch of chutes all over the place,

right?So if you land on a space that has

a ladder, you elevate to the other end of

that ladder. If you land on a space that

has a chute, you slide down the chute to

the other end of it. But this is where I

got into an argument with my mom. You can

also go up chutes,

right?You cannot snow.

But there there's a chute at our

local park. We have slides and I go up

them all the time, Ryan. It's pretty easy

actually. You just need shoes on. That

is certainly true. You can do that in

real life, but the rules of the game. So

you can go up. Mom, you can go up the he.

He just said you can go up the chutes.

That is unfortunately not what I said.

What if you have shoes on?Well,

unfortunately that doesn't really. That

doesn't really play into the game, my

man. Sorry. All right, Ryan, thanks so

much. Appreciate your time. And thanks

for explaining shoots. And I'll get back

to my mom's game. And I think I

understand what you're saying, that you

cannot go up the shoots, but you can

slide down the shoots if you have shoes

on. That's right. All right. Don't take

up too much of your time, right?I do

appreciate you explaining shoots and

ladders to me. It's a pretty confusing

game when you do look at the boards. So I

do appreciate you taking your time and

telling me you can go up shoots in real

life, but you can't go up shoots in the

shoots and ladders game. When you start

the game at the one spot and then you go

up to the other spots and that's how you

finish the game. All right. I hope you

have fun. Good luck. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Calling back.

This is Ryan. Hi, Ryan. This is Craig

from before. Good news. I was able to

draw some Lattice to the other Lattice. I

was able to win that game. But I have a

couple questions about Candy Land

regarding. Well, I last time I played,

there was no candy in it.

Do you know how to play Candy Land?I do

know how to play Candy Land. Hey, bud,

could you put your mom on?Hold on a

second, man.

Right. Yep, I'm still here. Can you make

sure you don't tell my mom what I told

you about the about the ladders on shits

and ladders?All right. Yeah. OK. If you

mind just keep that between me

and you. Ma'am,

she's in the potty. I think she's making

in the bathrooms. Why don't you have her?

OK. Thanks. Ryan, for explaining shoots

and that to me and how you can go up the

shoots if you have shoes on, but you

can't go down the sheds. Thanks for

calling. We'll talk to you again soon.

Thanks for at least. All right.

Oh, boy. All right.

I'm just looking for a topless maid

is who I'm looking for. OK. And

is it just for you or what?What's the

what's the occasion?

Hello. How are you doing today, sir?

I'm good. Who are you looking for?I'm

just looking for a topless maid is who

I'm looking for. OK. And

is it just for you or what?What's the

what's the occasion?Well, show

a woman that I know from the club, and I

say I know because she's not my friend.

She is having people

over this Sunday

and she's actually having some pretty

prominent people. The governor of Arizona

will be there and she needs

someone to clean her state

before. And I thought it would be funny

to hire a topless maid to get

back at her. OK, yeah, that's definitely

something that we could do. Her name

is Trudy De La Croix, and I hate her with

all my life. Truly an evil, evil

woman. That's why I'm trying to, I guess

in essence, ruin her day.

And don't think me cruel. I really am a

wonderful woman. She's just a stinky,

dreadful woman. And I just, I'm trying to

to get a little revenge. Do you know what

time that you were thinking about doing

it?I mean, how about maybe a?Brunch

cleaning. OK, that that would work.

And is that, would that be a time when

the teats are more perky?I don't know.

You know, because for me, if I'm in a bra

all day long, by the end of the night,

I'm not as perky as if I am, you know,

around 11. Because

no, I'm just hoping, you know, something

fun could happen. Like, you know, maybe

when. When all the the governor and

Trudy, when everybody's sitting down, all

the the guests, you know, maybe the maid

serves some soup and she ladles some soup

and then a boob flops into the bowl or

something, you know, just something, just

some sort of revenge, you know, because

this woman, Trudy, has

truly messed with my life. You know, she

wore the same shirt as me to the club

last weekend and she looked ugly

as hell in it. I'm a beautiful woman. No,

you know what?She looks like a trout. You

know, when you order a just a wonderful

full fish and you see its dead head off

the plate, she looks like a dead fish

looking up at you with her little eye.

Will you just let me know when you want

to do the deposit and we can go from

there. Would you want to do a fish like

that?You know what I mean?I don't even

know why she's married. I, you know, I've

talked to her husband. I said your wife

looks like a dead fish. And he says,

I know. And I said, then how do you deal

with it?How do you have sex with

something that looks like a dead fish?And

he says, well, you know, the skin, the

skin feels good. You know, I I'm just

like, you know, I don't understand it.

Oh, and what was your name?My name is

Helen Clinch. Clinch.

CLINCH like

clench your butt cheeks. I don't

mean to be lewd, but that's the way my

last name is. Yeah. So

just I'll send you the cash app and you

let me know when you want to send the

deposit, OK?Well, can you please just

take down my wish list before I go?

They need to have at least 5 layers of

petticoats for each city maid. They must

be equestrian so they can ride Trudy's

husband if he wants it. They should be

able to Foxtrot. And if any of them can

pass wind on command, that would be

great. I can blame it on Trudy. Hey, give

me a call back when you're ready to book,

OK?

Please say your full forklift name after

the tone. Your forklift name is your

middle name plus the other name that you

use when you go by a forklift name.

My middle name is George

and I like to pick up Buffalo with my

forklift. It doesn't help us if you don't

take this seriously

tonight on Little Inbound. A

lady answers our ad for a forklift.

Thank you for calling CY Industries. This

call may be recorded for quality

assurance. To save you time, our system

uses voice recognition. Tell us what

you're looking for. A forklift.

I'm sorry, did you just say

forklift?I'm

wanting the forklift, the electric

forklift. Great. Are

you or any of your children OSHA

certified to drive a forklift?

I've got a grandson that is. That's

great. If you are currently driving a

forklift, please shut down your

equipment. Remove your blindfold so that

your grandson may be able to get this

forklift. OK,

perfect. If you would like to assemble

your forklift yourself, say sure.

If you would like it to come

preassembled, say. Pre-assemble the

forklift for me. I don't have the time

and resources to assemble a forklift

myself. Have them assemble it.

Great. So your grandson won't be able to

assemble the forklift. I doubt it. He's

a I doubt it. That's

OK. You were first in line

to connect you. Please say I promise I

won't to indicate that you won't use the

forklift for m*rder. I

promise I won't. Great. If

you could just confirm that your grandson

is reliable to operate the forklift

without acting really weird, say he's

reliable. My grandson is reliable.

Wonderful. Are you over the age of



of 18?I'm well over the

age of 18. Great.

Grandson likes all equipment.

Perfect. He's a welder also.

He's not a little child riding on a

forklift. That's great. While

we're waiting, how many forks can youlift?

If it's over three, say over three. If

it's under three, say under 318.

Please explain why you need a forklift.

Choose from the following list of

options. I need fork instruction. I

need it because my grandson likes toys

and likes to lift things. Or I like

all of the above. Thank you very much.

I need a forklift so we can move

things all over the property that

we need to move so that we can put

heavy things up high and

bring them back down when we need them.

So you don't plan to use the forklift for

a m*rder or a robbery. Yeah, I

do. Your representative is waiting for

you and very excited to talk to you, but

we could use a bit more information.

Please say your full forklift name after

the tone. Your forklift name is your

middle name plus the other name that you

use when you go by a forklift name. My

middle name is George,

and I like to pick up Buffalo with my

forklift. It doesn't help us if you don't

take this seriously. Where would you like

the forklift delivered?Please say

over there or back that

way. I'd like it delivered straight

up your assThat can be arranged.

We'll connect you to an operator to help

you with that. Is there anything else I

can do for you?Grandkids would like to

watch and put that up your assIf your

grandkids would like tickets to watch a

forklift go up my a*s please say. Get the

tickets to watch the forklift go up my a*s

I've been lied to by you. Yes, you

have. So Boo Hoo. Boo Hoo for you

too. If you would like this to be turned

into a puppet show, say yes. I'd like

this to be turned into a puppet show.

Yes, that would be great. Perfect. We're

going to do just that for you. Thank you

so much and have a wonderful day. This

forklift is coming up for me. It hurtsme.

She's gone. I got to get this forklift

out of my heinus. Well, we're not really

a hotel for naps. We're a hotel for her

full night's stay. No, I understand that.

I'm just-- it's-- I got to wait five

hours for my car to get fixed, so I'm

just-- I just want to get a quick nap in.

I'll just say I'm around the corner

getting my car fixed, and it's going to

be a while.

Hello, this is hotel. Hi, this is

Bobby Fletcher. Who am I speaking with?My

name is Rachel. How can I help you, Sir?

Hi, Rachel. Yeah, I was wondering if you

guys have any rooms. We definitely have

rooms. Yeah. Let me transfer you over to

reservations. I can help you out. Well,

can I talk to you about it?Yes,

Sir. What can I answer for you?Well, I

was just wondering if I could just use

the room for a little while. Oh, we don't

use like hourly rates. It's only daily.

No. Well, it won't even be. I'm just

looking to take a nap, a quick nap, cause

I'm getting my car done down the street

and they said it's gonna be a few hours.

OK, well, you would have to book a room

for the night. We wouldn't be able to do

it by the hour. No. Well, it's not even.

I just need like 45 minutes. I don't even

need it in an hour. Just wonder if I

could just open one of the rooms. I'm

sorry, Sir. We we couldn't even do it by

the minutes. Yeah, you would just have to

do a a regular reservation for the night.

I just want to take a quick power nap.

You would have to book a room for the

night, Sir. Well, how much would that be?

I'm not going to. Our rates start at 250.

Yeah. See, I'm not going to touch

anything. You know what I mean?I'm just

going to be like a well, we're not really

a hotel for naps. We're a hotel for for a

full night stay. No, I understand that.

I'm just it's I I got to wait five hours

for my car to get fixed. So I'm just you

just want to get a quick nap in. I'm

sorry, Sir. You're welcome to come, but

you would have to pay for a full night.

But can I use a room that you haven't

cleaned yet?No, Sir. You know, like, I'll

just, I'll just use a little corner of

the bed. It's not going to be a problem.

No, that's not. It doesn't have to be one

of the clean rooms. We would not check

you into a dirty room, Sir. Yeah, I'm not

going to check in. I just wanted to go

crash for a little bit. No, Sir. That's

completely against every security policy

we have at the hotel. What security?I

mean, do you have any couches in the

lobby then?Maybe. You know what, Sir?I'm

going to hang up now because I don't

think this is going anywhere. All right.

Have a great day. No, it is. Why do you

hate naps?

Calling back.

Good afternoon. Thank you for calling.

Hi, Rachel. This is Bobby again.

Hello, Sir. Yeah, I was just wondering,

is there any rooms that are still dirty

that maybe I could just take a quick nap

in?Sir, are you not listening to me at

all?No, I was listening to you. Do you

not hear what I'm saying?Yeah, I was. I

did listen. I'm just trying to figure

this out. OK. Well, then, you know that

that's not going to happen. They can

clean around me. No, Sir. No, absolutely

not. I'd like you to please stop calling

us, OK?Look, I'm just going to come there

and sleep in the lobby then. All right,

please stop calling the hotel. Would you

be able to sing some lullabies to me to

put me to sleep?No, Sir. Nope. I'm going

to have to block your number from the

hotel. Please stop calling us. I used to

be a gold member there before I lost my

job.

Look at that.