06x06 - Brian Posehn, Kevin Nealon, Quinta Brunson

[bunniefuu]

Come on, come on, 'cause we're having a

ball We're just making some calls to

strangers We're back on the

shelf when the world's gone to hell But

you're gonna feel swell when they

pick up From New York to

Alabama

our a*s in the slam because we're

disturbing lovers Baby, even

your mother Won't you try to

crank Yankers tonight Crank Yankers!

Password is meat lovers.

This thing can help you. Are you in or

are you out?We're in.

How about you?I couldn't be more in.

I was born in. How can I help you?Ohh

This couldn't make me happier. I ah

can't believe you're in. Okay, so here

goes. You got a pen?No.

All right, use your memory instead. Well,

I have that, but I don't have that. Your

memory's probably better than a pen.

What's the thing they say about the pen?

Who am I speaking with?Oh, you know who

it is. Mookie and Slayer are gonna be

there. You show up, you bring me the

Q-tips, I resell the Q-tips when they

flip those b*tches which I will. because

that's my job for six bucks apiece.

You'll get 25 cents of that cut. It's all

for charity. You get a PlayStation 5. Who

doesn't want a PlayStation 5?Excellent. I

don't have-- I actually don't have time

for this right now. Who am I speaking

with?I'm sorry. Do you hate money?Are you

in or are you out?How can I help you

today?Can you help or are you out?I'm

the Q-tip king. How can I help you today?

I'm the Q-tip king of Florida.

Is one of your hobbies making money?Tell

me to my face you don't want a new

PlayStation 5. HuhHuh I

got a hot tip for you. A hot Q-tip.

Who is this?Q-Tip Johnny, the king of

the Q-tips. Who?Q-Tip

Johnny, the king of the Q-tips. Are you

not listening-- Q-tip. Are you not

listening?Clean out your ears with a

Q-tip. Q-tip market's real

hot-- out.

The other guy was in. First guy was in.

He's an idiot. HmmIs he

standing right there?Yep.

How's he like you calling him an idiot?

No, he doesn't care. OK. Well, put him

back on if he's in, because you're out.

Nope. Out. Both. Out.

Guys are afraid of money. Yep. I could

be the king of Q-tips, and you could be

my prince. Want to be the prince of

Q-tips?You need Q-tips and you can be my

prince. Want to be the prince of Q-tips?

Or the bishop?Want to be the princess of

Q-tips?I don't care. I'm crazy about

Q-tips. That's all I care about. 25 cents

per box of Q-tips. That's like



Let's call back.

Just come. Tim, I I gotta

apologize. I called earlier. I'm so sorry

to bother you. My mother found out the

scam I was pulling and and got real upset

with me. So I won't do that again. I

won't bother you anymore. But-

Thanks. She got real upset with

the the Q-tip thing and she's she walked

away. You in or you out?

In or out.

America Center Fireworks, this is Dennis.

Hi, how's it going?My name is is Barbara

and I work at the VA hospital down the

way and. We are just trying to

do something special for a vet here named

Samson. We're trying to give him a a nice

special event before he goes on to glory

and we want to kind of make something big

and fun happen for him. He he loves big

and fun happen for him. He he loves bangs

and booms, talks about him all the time

and his dream is to to put a

firework on the back of his

chair. I don't see anything like that on

the website, OK?

That's an interesting request. Never had

one quite like that. Now

you would have to use something that's a

handheld firework that's meant to be used

in close proximity as opposed to

something obviously that shoots up in the

air and goes bang because we're not going

to risk an old man's life sh**ting

fireworks from his wheelchair. That's

just, we can't condone that. That's just.

Not how fireworks work, but it can be

done. This is his last dying wisdom. So

that's why I'm saying I want to just

either in his hand or in the back of his

wheelchair. You're saying in his hand is

the best option. I mean, you could put

something on his chair, but it would have

to sh**t like away from him. Obviously he

is going anyway. He's going anyway. And

this is how he he said he always saw it.

And so, oh, he wants a Viking funeral.

Put him on a boat and throw a flaming

arrow at him. Damn thing, you want to get

blown up on a boat. They got Viking,

Viking funeral fireworks. Even if you

have something that'll launch him

straight into the air, catapult him.

That's what I want. So which one of the

fireworks would do that?You're actually

talking about physically moving a man

with fireworks. That is what like,

hold on, I'm going to let you talk to him

because this is, I think you think I'm

playing. And I'm not. That's

incredibly dangerous and not something

that any any respectable firework store

is going to actually encourage you

to do with a firework. I

understand that. But you understand what

I'm saying, that this is this man's only

wish fought for this country. I don't

understand why I can't. Sampson,

I want you to talk to him because I want

you to hear him. So before you put

Sampson on the line here, is this.

I mean, is it-- when you say it's his

dying wish, the way you're describing it,

it almost sounds like he wants to die by

the use of fireworks. Yes, Damien, that

is exactly what I'm trying to tell you.

Yeah, I don't-- I'm not in the business

of euthanasia, so I can't,

like, give you directions on how to k*ll

someone with fireworks. You don't have to

know anything about it. We're not-- we're

not blowing nobody up, wink, wink. This

is just so bizarre. You

can't call a legitimate business and ask

them, give me fireworks to k*ll this old

man. That's not what I'm saying. OK,

that's that's not what I'm saying. I'm

trying to honor a man's wish. And I feel

like you're saying you're adding

something to it that's not there. All I'm

trying to ask for that I can't seem to

get is the very best fireworks for for

this party. That's it.

For this party. That's it.

I can't get that answer anywhere. Well.

First of all, fireworks that are safe for

consumers. Legally, you can't sh**t

them by hand unless it's specifically

designed for being shot by hand, and that

is limited to a fountain and

certain types of fountains. There are

certain ones on our website. One's called

the Force. It basically looks like a

lightsaber from the movie Star Wars.

Samson, they got Star Wars.

You want to die by the Force. They got

something called the Force. Thank you.

This is the help I was trying to get all

damn day. I don't know. I just needed a

name. All right. If you have any more

questions, let me know. You're going to

be a Jedi, Samson.

Are you sitting right now?Because I'm

nervous to tell you who you're talking

to. A little bit nervous. Are you

sitting?Yeah, I am. You are talking

to the soon-to-be first female jet skier.

I haven't done it yet. I'm still working

up the nerve. First female what?

I love this. It's so funny. It's so

funny.

Good afternoon, Light B. Hello. Who am I

talking to?Who do I have the pleasure?

This is Jenny. Hello, Jenny.

This is somebody who's interested. I know

you're probably shocked right now. You've

been talking to a woman. I bet you have

men calling all day. No, no, not really.

Are you sitting right now?Because I'm

nervous to tell you who you're talking

to. A little bit nervous. Are you

sitting, girlfriend?Yeah, I

am. You are talking to the soon to be

first female jet skier. I haven't done it

yet. I'm still working up the nerves.

First female what?I'm kind of the first

female jet skier, and

I just wanted you to make sure your

store's set up because there might be a

lot of people trying to say hello to me

and take pictures of me. You know what I

mean?And I just don't know if you even

have a section to sign autographs at the

first female jet skier. I'm

really excited. I just want to be like

the first female to do it. I want to be

an inspiration. I mean, especially to

people like you, you probably t*rture

working in a. Oh, I've

ridden them.

What?No. Oh, I've ridden them.

You have a female voice. No, I've ridden

them is what I was saying. You've ridden

them. Yes, I've ridden jet skis. You've

written about them, did you say?Rid

like I rode them. Not in water. You

probably sat on one in the store. No, I

mean, I ride them. No, no, no, noAre you

Are you really telling me you rode a jet

ski in water before and you're a girly?

Well, yeah, sure. Not a big deal.

OK, OKMaybe I could be the first woman to

ride a jet ski in a bikini. Were you

wearing that?Maybe. I

don't know. It was so many years ago.

Maybe my booby flies out. Everyone's

like, oh, God, we've never seen this

before. Oh, gosh. Maybe I could be the

first female. To ride with only one

hand. Have you-- did you ride one with

one hand?I actually have a customer on

the showroom floor that's waiting on me

to give them some information. With a dog

on their jet ski?I'll be happy

to take your name and-- While eating a

pizza?OK.

Calling back.

Good afternoon, Lightspeed. Oh, hello.

I'm the first female jet skier almost

coming back to talk to you. You done with

your other customer, I accept. Oh, no,

no, ma'am. It must have been Mary.

Oh, God. She has an attitude, doesn't she?

Like, I was calling her talking about,

oh, I'm about to be the first female jet

skier. And then she started going brat.

Literally. I'm not kidding you. Bragging

about, oh, I've been on them. Yeah, I've

been on them. And I'm like, oh, you know,

news to me. But I just tell Mary that

even though she's the first female jet

skier, first of all, doesn't impress me.

Second of all, what has she done it, you

know, with no hands, while wearing a top

hat, with holding a big dog on her

shoulders while brushing her teeth?

Because I'm about to do that. So you can

tell Mary I'm the first female jet skier

to do that. And you can also tell her.

Are you guys hiring?Because I am looking

for work and I figure it'd be fun if the

first, you know, second female jet skier

worked with y'all. I know that might be

kind of taking away hours from you, but

it's like, don't be selfish. Oh, I'm

sorry, we're not hiring right now. You're

not hiring. Then why do you keep the

phone lines open?I don't know. That's a

little bit misleading. Something is not

right with this phone call. Thank you for

calling. Bye. Bye. No, I'm not thanking

you.

I love when she was like, yeah, I've

written this.

Obviously. So a tuna sandwich was rye

bread. Do you want it toasted?I want you

to listen to me and listen to me good,

Esha. Is it Esha?Keisha with a K.

Keisha, I'm sorry, I wasn't listening. I

want you to listen to me and listen good.

Cafe, this is Keisha. Can I help you?Hey,

Keisha, I'd like to make a takeout order

pickup, please. Sure. Yeah, go ahead.

OK. Now, Keisha, you listen to me. I'd

like a patty melt with a side of fries.

OK. And I'd like a cheeseburger with

no cheese. OK. All right. Now

listen to me. I want extra

Pickles and coleslaw on the side for that

cheeseburger. OK. Now listen and listen.

Good. OK. Do you have?

I'm sorry. I don't. I don't mean to be I.

Oh, oh, I understand.

Yeah. Well, I I'm glad you understand,

but I hope you also listen. Hang on a

second. Tony, you

want a tuna?Jesus Christ, nobody listens

to me. All right, now hear me out. I want

a tuna sandwich with lettuce and tomato

on rye bread. Did you hear me?Yeah,

absolutely. So a tuna sandwich with rye

bread. Do you want to hear?Oh, rye bread.

OK. Rye bread is what I was. I wanted to

hear. OK. And and OK, so rye

bread and that's toasted. Do you hear me?

OK. I want you to listen to me and listen

to me. Good. Isha. Is it Isha?Keisha with

a K Keisha. I'm sorry, I wasn't

listening. OK, Keisha KI

want a Patty melt. Another another a

patty melt, a coleslaw.

And I want you to hear me and I want you

to hear me good. Can I ask you a question?

Yes, ma'am. Because I because I missed

the tuna. So you wanted the tuna salad

sandwich, but I didn't get the side for

that one. You know, I you know, I don't.

I want to have to repeat myself all the

time. Can you put the phone inside your

ear maybe just a little bit closer?Yep,

it is close, but but it takes a second

for me to go through the menu. So just if

you slow down, that might help. OK,

Keisha. So the tuna salad with which side?

I'm not. It doesn't matter what side

you put it on either side. Which

side do you want with it?

French fries. Tater tots. Tater tots. Of

course. I don't want to say this twice,

but I'm gonna. Tater tots. OK. Tuna

salad sandwich on rye toast with tater

tots. OK. OKIs anyone else?Is anyone else

listening to me?Can you check?No, I do

not think so. OK. OKSo you got the Patty

melt. I have one Patty melt. No, I said

actually I needed two Patty melts. I

don't know if you heard me or not. Jeez.

Yes, I heard you, but I wanted to make

sure. I'm sorry, I was watching the news.

I wasn't listening. So the second patty

melt, what would you like with it?French

fries?No, no, I don't want anything

with potatoes. You got tater tots. I'll

take tater tots. We do have tater tots.

OK. No, no potatoes.

OK, OK, fantastic. All right, so

just read that back to me if you could.

OK, so I have a patty melt, medium well

with French fries. I have a classic

burger with cheese French fries.

I have a tuna salad sandwich on rice

toast with tater tots and then a Patty

melt medium well with tater tots. OK. You

there?Yes, I'm here. I'm sorry. Could

you just. I'm sorry. Could you just say

that one more time?I wasn't listening.

Yes, absolutely. A Patty melt

medium well with French fries. A

cheeseburger well done with French fries.

Oh, it sounds so good. A tuna salad

sandwich with rice toast and tater tots.

And another Patty melt medium well with

tater tots. Hang on a second, Keisha.

Sammy, I already ordered from a deli.

I told you I was ordering from a deli. I

got everybody's order. You weren't

listening to me. You weren't listening to

me. Keisha, I'm so embarrassed,

but I might have to cancel that order.

I'm so sorry. You've been so sweet to me.

No, that is so fine, Josh. I'm so sorry.

And you are a good listener. You're a

good listener. Thank you, Keisha. You're

amazing. I want to put in a good word for

you. Thank you. And that word is

fantastic. I put it in. Thank you,

Keisha. OK. Thank you. I'm sorry, Keisha,

can you just repeat the order that I have

to cancel?

Yeah, I mean, because it's coming out

both ends too. The hot air. Oh,

yeah, that's never fun. No. And I got a

date in an hour. I'm

Jim Florentine, and this is my master

class on burping.

How can I help you?Hi, this is Bobby

Fletcher. Who am I speaking with?Dorothy.

Oh, Dorothy. Listen, I so I I had some

tea at your place before and I had a

reaction to it. A weird reaction. Like an

allergic reaction. Well, yeah, I guess

you can call it that. Did you want to

maybe talk to the owners about it?No, I

was going to talk to you. I I'm. I don't

know what to do. I I can't stop burping.

OK. Give

me a second. You see what I

mean?I think I had the milk tea or

something. What should I do?Hi,

this is my manager. How can I help you?

Hi, this is Bobby. Who am I speaking with?

My name's Becca. Hi, Becca. Yeah, I was

telling your other employee that I had

some some of your tea there and I had a

weird reaction to it. What

reaction were you having?

Burping. Burping.

HuhAre you allergic to anything?No.

That's so strange.

Nothing in our tea is what generally

cause you to burp. Nothing's carbonated.

May I ask what drink you got?It was the I

think it was the milk tea.

Gotcha. And I got a I

got a I got a telemarketing job and I got

to try to make sales and I every like



Well, I'm so sorry about that, Sir.

I'm trying to think of anything that

would cause that. There's no ingredients

that we use that would cause excess,

like gas in your stomach or anything.

Yeah, I mean, cause it's coming out both

ends too. The hot air.

Yeah, that's never fun. No. And I I got a

date in an hour. Oh, that's

well, congratulations on your date. Yeah,

I mean. Is there

anything else I could do to help you?

Because you said you're not allergic to

anything, so nothing in our drinks would

cause excessive burping. I just don't

know. You know, I got the tea from there

and then all of a sudden it started and I

got to go back to my job in a little bit

on my lunch hour. Yeah, I sell

steaks. You know,

it's just tough. I I just happened right

before lunch and right when I'm ready to

close the sale, I I let out a burp and

they hang up on me. It's k*lling me. I

got to reach my quota for the day. I'm so

sorry about that. Can I give you

a refund?Actually, if you just buy

some steaks, that would be that would

help me out. I'm so sorry, Sir. I don't

eat red meat. Well, you can give it to

somebody else. No one that I know eats

red meat. I'm in a very vegan community,

unfortunately. Well, I mean, it's

it's grass fed. Well, I also

sell knives. You sell knives, a knife set

with it, so. You know what I mean?I'm

going to, I'm going to lose a lot of

sales today because of this,

right?I'm so sorry, Sir. The only thing

that I can offer you is a refund. Yeah, I

know. But you don't understand if I don't

make quota today. I'm canned. I sell. I

sell Tupperware too on the side.

I'm sure there's something online that

says how to figure out how to end

excessive burping. No, I I looked it up.

I wrote. I put in excessive burping, how

to end it, and nothing popped up. I

understand that this happened in our

business, but we can't control

necessarily people's reactions. Oh wait,

I'm looking up the excessive burp. It

says if someone buys a steak, it goes

away. Very funny.

No, I'm serious. Look, I I got a 30 piece

set of Tupperware Tudia Love. They're

great to put like vegan crap in it.

Unfortunately, Sir, this is a business,

so we can't take personal sales at the

moment. I sell CDs too. You like Blues

Travelers?No, thank you, Sir.

I hope that everything clears up for you

and you have a great rest of your day.

Can you ask your customers if they if

they want any steak?No, I cannot, Sir.

Have a great rest of your day. Bye bye. I

think these are vegan burps.

Look at that.