06x03 - Chelsea Peretti, Heidi Gardner & J.B. Smoove

[bunniefuu]

Come on, come on, 'cause we're having a

ball We're just making some calls to

strangers We're back on the shelf

when the world's gone to hell But you're

gonna feel swell when they

pick up From New York to

Alabama

we're disturbing others

Maybe even your mother Won't you try to

crank Yankers tonight Crank Yankers!

Do I need to sound like I'm in a truck,

like talk like a... Hey! Huh

Is this Nicole?Hey, Hey

Nicole. Hey, how you doing?This is

Phillip Johnson. How are you?Hey, I'm

heading over to you right now. I got a

delivery for you guys over there. You

told me to check it before I get there.

You got 12,000 muffins. Drop off by 6:00

PM and get a signature. So I'm

just touching base to give you guys a

heads up. I'll be there in a minute. What

product is it?It's 12,000 muffins.

Drop off by 6:00 PM. I'm sorry, Sir. I

think you got the wrong number. No, no,

no, noI got that. I got the phone number

right here. So. OK. What address are you

supposed to be dropping off to, Sir?



Sir. That's where I'm coming at. I'm

leaving about 1000 square foot of

space just to drop them off. They're on

pallets, so. I'm sorry. And they got to

say friends, they're wrapped in a lot of

plastic, like plastic wrap. You know that

plastic wrap that wraps up in. It's

wrapped up real nice and tight. Sure. I

guess you guys are having some kind of

big event or something like that. So I'll

just drop them off where you want me to

drop them off. Sure. This is what I need

from you. I need you to just just let me

know when I get there what you guys want

me to do and where you want me to drop

them off. You guys want to drop them off

in front of the building and you guys

will take them in individually or

you got some kind of like a chain. You

know how people used to do the the whole

hands across America. Maybe you guys want

to pass the muffins across America. I

don't know. But whatever it is, I got my

job to do. We didn't order any muffins. I

don't know if you guys want to eat them

or try them out. I don't know. You got a

birthday party you want to throw down on?

I don't know. But I got to get him off

this truck because I got another order

behind me that I got to drop off so I

can't be in this position where I'm held

up worrying about blueberry muffins. Sir,

I got to be puned. I got to hit their old

punes because otherwise I'll be making my

my last delivery in the dead of night.

They always said it's dead of night. The

dead of night. People die all the time.

They don't always die at night time.

Right, Sir. We didn't order any muffins.

Well, I'm going to drop them off in front

of your building and I'm going to leave

them there. That's where that's the

procedure. They're going to be sitting

there. They're going to be waiting. The

blueberries will be popping out. We did

not order any muffins, so I would

appreciate it if you would cancel it. I'm

not positive, but I think it might. It

might be a whole nother level

of below those blueberries

of of snickerdoodle one, the

snickerdoodle. Sir, we we a lot of people

don't make the snickerdoodle

muffins, but we got a whole nother layer

below the blueberry. A snickerdoodle.

Snickerdoodle. Please stop calling if

it's not. I don't like anything with the

word doodle in it. That throws me off.

That's just a purpose of mine. Sir. Now

it looks like you guys also took

advantage of our buy 12,000, get 30,000

more free. So you can place that order

anytime you want. Or, you know, you still

got to sign a receipt for each individual

muffin. Nicole?Let's

go. Let's go!

God damn it.

Hello. How may I help you?Hi, how are you

today?Doing real good. How are you?

I could lie and say I'm doing good, but

I'm doing OK because I

have a bit of a squirrel problem.

OK. At first it was just that they were

everywhere, but it's starting

to get weirder where it's like, I don't

know if squirrels are known to do this,

but do they?Are they supposed to be

looking you dead in your eye?They're

pretty territorial and they

usually don't interact with people, so

they. I wouldn't necessarily say the

staring in the eye part. I guess that's

just something that most

animals, you don't usually look at them

in the eye cause they do kind of get

freaked out. But well, I was wearing a

sequin bikini and I don't know if they're

drawn to the light off the reflection off

the bikini, if they're like raccoons in

that way who I I think are supposed to

like shiny things and collect them, but

they stare at me in a way in which,

excuse me, I feel uncomfortable.

I also don't know what to say about that.

Squirrels typically don't like shiny

things like raccoons do. Either you're

rocking that bikini or they're

just, you know, you have a good vibe with

the squirrels. Whoa. So

is it possible that they're drawn to the

female form?Because it feels like they're

staring at me in that way where I feel

like, excuse me, excuse you. So

not necessarily the female form, but the

the female scent. Oh my

goodness gracious. They're drawn to my

scent. My cause I'm told, but my

gynecologist said I have a strong scent.

They have such a powerful nose. We

couldn't. We won't even smell anything

with our bare nose, but they could smell

anything. If I douse myself in wolf

piss will that discourage them from

staring at me?Cause I know that animals

don't like wolf pee. I

probably wouldn't recommend dousing

yourself in wolf urine.

You wouldn't. I would not. 100% would

not. So a couple things I would

recommend is squirrels. They're

most of the time their predatorial

species are either going to be Hawks, big

predatorial birds, raccoons, stuff

like that. So I would definitely

recommend basic sales. So you're saying I

should douse myself in hawk piss

Don't douse yourself in any kind of

urine. Oh, but

there. Hold on, hold on. Sorry. A

squirrel's. Hey. Back up.

Get back. Get back.

This is how I have to talk to them. You

got to talk to them like that and yell at

them. I'd definitely recommend it to get

them stopped. Knock it off.

I feel bad because there's a baby

squirrel with them, but he doesn't know

what's going on. But I just, I can't have

him and I just can't. Baby squirrels got

to learn eventually. Back up.

That's right. You got to teach him young.

You got to learn them. You got to teach

them to respect women. I have a question

for you. What does your business do again?

We're just a an exclusion and

wildlife removal company where we remove

animals from people's homes. But it

sounds like you're dealing with a

squirrel that's sexually harassing you.

OK, I am. And I'm glad to hear you

validate that. But I want to know, could

you, can you just get these whole, all

these squirrel dudes out of my yard?We

sure can. Oh, well, what are we talking

about?Why am I covering myself in piss

and shitWe could just get you to come

take these squirrels away. You tell them

it's a little squirrel vacation. Wink,

wink. I

definitely can. I sure will. Now let me

get let me pull up the calendar here. OK.

What's the address?

All

right. What's the apartment number?

And last name. What's the last name?

Zoolander.

Zoolander. All right, so

I'm exiting my calendar now. Who is this?

See you tomorrow. Bye.

Can we swim at your Senior Center?We

don't have a pool here. Do you have a

pond?No,

we sure don't. Not even a light.

Hello?Hello, my name's Monet. Thanks

for calling to talk about beer service.

My name is Beatrix and

I'm from Grapevine, Texas.

I was wondering if I could swim in your

pool. I'm I'm very old.

I'm 119 and my grandson

lives there. We don't have a pool

here. So, Grandma, what did he say?So can

I swim in your tub?One moment.

He put me on hold.

Hello?Uh, I'm Beatrix. I

was wondering if I couldSwim

at your senior center?I'm very

old. I'm 119 and my

grandson lives there. I'm

from Texas. Who's your

grandson?His name is

Wesley. He's He's right next to me.

Hello. Hello

I'm old too. Oh, OK. Well,

that's nice to know. Can we swim at your

senior center?Yeah, we like to swim.

We don't have a pool here. Do you Do you

have a pond?

No, we sure don't. Not even a

lake. Do you have a sink?

We're tiny. We

hung up.

Hello, my name's Lenee. Thanks, Holly. I

might be a service. Hi, Lenay. My kids

just called in. I think they were doing a

prank phone call and they got transferred

to somebody. I was wondering if I could

talk to her real quick.

She's the man. She went to another

Florida counter medicine. Oh, she's not

available now. No. You want me to get the

message?Well, could you just tell these

kids that it's not OK to do prank phone

calls, please?They're listening.

Oh, this is Lanae at the place that's

called a prank calling. This is

assisted living, a senior place.

My kids to do prank calling here. You

guys are in a lot of trouble. Now about

the pool, are we able to go swim in that

pool or no?I don't. I don'tWe don't have

a pool at the system. I don't know where

they're. I think we could do the sink.

We're all very, very small. I

mean, right now, all my daughter does is

color. And you know, I mean, she's 18

and she likes to color. So her major is

probably going to be nothing. She'll be

an art major. She's not. But she's not

good. She's not talented.

College Blue Star. Can I help you?Yes.

Who am I speaking with?Natalie.

Natalie. Hi, Natalie. My name is Helen

Clinch, and I've got a couple

freshmen there at.

Full disclosure, I

actually donated quite a bit of

money to. To get my kids

access to the schooling there, they're

not very smart. So I

kind of just want to get them, you know,

some books and clothes that, you know,

make them seem like they fit in,

that they're students there, that they

have high grade point averages. So

what would be some starting books and

college gear for them?I mean, it all

depends on what their majors are. Oh, my

God. They haven't even made it that far.

I mean, right now, all my daughter does

is color. And, you know, I mean, she's



probably going to be nothing. She'll

be an art major. She's not. But she's not

good. She's not talented. Hey, that's

what you go to school for to learn. What

was your major?I didn't go to college.

Oh, no judgment here. I didn't go to

college either. I met my husband at 13

years old and got married at 14 and

had my first child at 14 1/2. Oh, OK,

OKThese

millenniums with their phones and their

extra legs. I saw people are

actually trying to get

extra implanted legs and boobs or

an extra arm just to be different. Oh,

wow. Some people want a third prosthetic

limb, you know, just an extra leg hanging

off their hip. And I'm just like, you

millenniums, they're good at

taking shits in the bathroom. That's it.

See, they might be good at cleaning the

bathroom then. No, they don't. They don't

even flush down their feces.

Anyway, my daughter has the body of a 90

year old, so I said, you know, you have

to get a degree. Well, it has to be

something that she wants to go in the

field up. But if they come in,

could you tell them I know your Mama and

I've got an eye on you, ugly.

I would not put the ugly because God

doesn't make ugly. You're too

sweet. Do you go to church?

I used to. I grew up in the church. Oh,

my God. Did you sing?No, ma'am. Oh,

my God. I used to sing. And, you know, if

you'd give me your ear, I'll sing you a

little something that I used to sing. But

this is just a song I made-up myself. I

am pretty. I

am gorgeous. I

am stunning. I've got the

legs of a model. I am

gorgeous. My face is

better than yours. I am pretty. Do

you like it?Yeah, that's cute.

Thank you. I would not sing it to my

kids. My kids started off. My daughter

started off pretty, and I don't think

she's pretty anymore. And my son, I

guess what I think he looks like is a

goblin. So I don't know what to say about

them. We can't force our kids to do

certain things they don't want to do. We

just have to let them live their life.

Well, see, my mom pushed me into beauty

pageants at at six months

old. I mean, I was the first

Miss Baby Texas. So did you like

it?Yeah. You know, what's funny is I do

remember when I won my first crown at six

months, and I know that's hard to

believe, but I do remember them putting

the tiara on my baby's skull and

I got the sash, you know, that said Miss

Baby Texas. And I remember feeling like I

am the most beautiful baby. And I

actually remember going in my diaper. But

did you?You liked it?Well, I

liked that men found me attractive, and I

liked that other women were jealous of

me. But, you know, I was actually,

like you heard, a very good singer. I was

about to get signed at RCA by a

very famous record producer, Clive Davis,

and he signed Debbie Gibson instead

of me. Do you know who Debbie Gibson is?

Yep, I remember her. I was

responsible for burning her hash down

because she got the record contract and I

didn't. Oh, Jesus. Well,

you know, you have to you have to seek

revenge in life on b*tches

Well, if you're interested, I'm doing an

online Zoom beauty pageant

this weekend. If you search Miss

Old Woman Atlanta. Miss Old Woman

Atlanta. When I hear that song, I'm going

to know who it is. Yes, you will. I am

pretty. I am gorgeous.

Oh, my son just walked in. I got to let

you go. All right, then. You have a nice

one. You have a wonderful day, too. Vote

for me and the pageant. I will. I

love you. Love you, too. Bye. She was

so fast. Oh, my God. She was

so great. What kind of dolls you looking

for?Could you tell me what kind of dolls?

You're the one that works there. I'm the

one who's on the phone. I don't work in

that department, and the girl that works

in the apartment is out. She's got to

call back in a half an hour. Do you not

sell dolls in the morning?Seems odd.

Um, you want to try the doll man one

again?Let's do the doll man. Good

afternoon. How can I help you?Hi,

I'm a doll man, and I'm looking for some

dolls. Do you guys sell dolls?Yes,

we do. Great. What kind of dolls?What

kind of dolls are we talking?Cause I love

all kind of dolls. I'm a doll man. I

don't know. I don't work in that

department, but they have dolls. What

kind of dolls you looking for?Well, you

don't have to say it like that. Could you

tell me what kind of dolls?You're the one

that works there. I'm the one who's on

the phone. I don't work in that

department. And the girl that work in the

apartment is out lunch. You got to call

back in 1/2 an hour. OK. Is the

half an hour after call back?Is she not?

Is she not ready to talk dolls yet?Do you

have a certain do you not sell dolls in

the morning?It seems odd. They

put dolls out all day. Oh, OK. Cause I

was gonna say cause the first thing I

think about in the morning when I wake up

is dolls. I wake up and I'm like bang

dolls. I need a doll. All right, you

could you could call back in 1/2 an hour.

I could call back. God, this is gonna be

so rough because the whole time I'm gonna

be thinking about dolls in 1/2 an hour.

Or when you wake up and think about dolls

in the morning, you can come here and

look for them. I definitely will. I think

about them all the time. I'm thinking

about them right now. I wish I could

talk. Do you like dolls?No. And

I can hear it in your voice that you

don't. But I'm a doll man for sure. I'm

also a sock guy. Hopefully I don't get

distracted by some of the socks in your

stores. Do you sell socks?Do we sell

socks?Yes. Socks.

Yes. You have to come down and look for

yourself. They have a variety of

socks and dolls. OK. Do you have doll

socks?Because I love dolls and I love

socks, and I would love to combine those

two passions. OK, you can call

back. How long?How long

would I have to do?You have to go.

I have to go to 30 minutes. That's a long

time to wait for dolls. Cause I'm a doll.

All right, well, tomorrow you can get up

and come and look at this. Or can I speak

to one of the dolls?Is that possible?Can

you put one of the dolls on the phone

just so I know they're OK?I just feel the

girls on break. The girls on break. Can

if I give her $1000, will she come off

break?Does she have Venmo?Can I

$13,000?$14,000 and not a

penny less. No. I'll give

her a Buick

LeSabre, $13,000, a pizza

party, and five of any five dolls

from the shitty doll room in my house

that she wants. Not the good doll room,

the shitty doll room, cause I have many

doll rooms in my house. I'll give her

anything she hug out.

If this is the man for the dolls again,

I'm going to have him removed from the

list. Excuse me.

I'm sorry. How can I help you?Hi.

Um, I'm a doll and I'm being held

c*ptive by a doll man. Just told your

husband or whoever that is that keeps

calling here about a doll. He's not my

husband. He's my owner. What's your name?

My name is Tina. Hello, Tina.

How are you?My name's Tina too.

OK, How are you?I'm great. I like I like

having fun and playing and dancing

and rainbows. I'm being held

c*ptive by the doll man, and I need your

help, Tina. I'm only six inches tall. I'm

only three apples high.