06x02 - Adam Carolla, Punkie Johnson & Melissa Villaseñor

[bunniefuu]

Come on, come on 'Cause we're having a

ball We're just making some calls to

strangers We're back on the cell

And the world's gone to hell But you're

gonna feel swell When they

pick up From New York to

Alabama

Someone throw our a*s to the slam because

we're disturbing others. Baby, even your

mother. Won't you join the Crank Yankers

tonight?Crank Yankers.

Let's try it out. Let's try a vibrating

bump. It's called Sex Shop.

Venus sexricana, this is Kaylee. How may

I help you?Is this the sexual's job?

Yes, it is. Wonderful. I am

in a bit of a pickle right now.

I purchased one of those vibrating egg

radio-controlled pleasure eggs. Yes.

Mm-hmmAll right. Well, here's what's

what. I I have it lodged in

my bottom, and my twin

brother stole the remote, and now he

can't find it. Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, I'm looking for a way to

deactivate. Oh, Giles,

stop it. To deactivate this pleasure

egg. Oh, any ideas?

Well, you can find your twin brother

and he's not a twin. Oh, oh, he's

not a twin. He's well, we were twins, but

I sat on him in the womb, so he's quite a

bit smaller than I am. Tune in Tokyo.

Tune in Tokyo. Tune in Tokyo. This is not

a radio, Giles. Put that thing down.

OK, Giles,

stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Oh,

sounds like it's hitting your prostate.

Is that what it is?Is that what it is?You

can always try to get it out.

It's really shaking up the farm down

there. Otherwise, I have no complaints

about it. It's quite effective. I'm

personally agape. Mm-hmm

Quite literally. I see. Bizarre turn of

events. It seems like the egg is

scrambling me. Do you know who they mean,

Kayleigh?Yes, I do. Now, have

you experience with these eggs?I

do not, in the a**l cavity. I

want to make his bottom shake. Oh, very

funny, Giles. It's my body, my rules.

I'm the captain now. I'm the captain now.

Oh, Giles. Oh, Giles.

All right. Now, what would you suggest,

Kayleigh?What would you suggest?Hold on,

Sir. I have someone that's better

equipped to handle this situation.

Wonderful. Wonderful. Hello.

Oh, oh. Oh, hello. With whom am

I speaking?Oh, this is Jesse.

Hello, Jesse. Thank you for taking my

call. Thank you. First time caller, long

time perv. Now it's

deep burrowed, deep inside me

and my. Ne'er do well,

little brother has stolen the remote and

hidden it. Breaker one nine. Breaker one

nine. It's not a CB radio. Giants, stop

it. Oh, no. What?One moment. What?Hold

it. Hold it. All right, now stop it.

And I'm trying to get it out or

deactivate it. Any ideas?Oh,

giants. Well, well, what So what I would

say to do is go to and they

and they get out. Oh, no cops. No cops.

No cops. Oh. Jesse,

why are you the expert at oscillating

eggs stuck in my bum holeWell, Sir,

that's that's that's that's what I say as

of right now. It's it's it's go to your

nearest hospital and they can. You know

what?I think it might have synced with my

Nest thermostat because it's really

getting warm in here. Don't, Giles, don't

you push that oscillate button. Push it

one more time. Thrice more.

Wonderful. I got a customer right now.

Oh, it's hatching.

It's hatching! It's hatching! Oh, it's

hatching! Oh, oh, oh. I said--

Oh, look at my little turd baby.

A giant, fully grown pervert has come

out of my cornholeThank you, sir.

I'll call you stinkers. He's

my friend. He's my friend. He's

our friend.

Thank you for calling. This is Justin.

How can I help you?Hey, Justin, this is

Jennifer Lopez, Jlo. And I'm I'm

calling because I need a new hat. I'm

doing an event online and I would just

want to look real glamorous

and. Yeah, I want to know what what's

what's the most luxurious hat that you

got?A 20, maybe 20 inch brim.

Well, we do have the ladies

Sunday going to church at the cinema hat.

Oh, yeah. YeahKind of like

the ones the queen wears. That's that's

it. That's what I what I would love. I

need a hat so big that people can't can't

see my feet, you know?OK.

And then we do have other style ladies

hats as well as men's fedoras

that may work for you. Yeah, I think it'd

be cool to have a hat to fill the zoom

screen so people can only guess where it

ends, you know?And I want a hat with like

jewels. You know, I think that I want to

walk the streets without people knowing,

hey, that's Jlo, but the hat, you know,

it has to do the essence of Jlo.

Yeah, I think the cinema hats would

probably do that for you. Yeah, so maybe

put that on layaway. We don't. We can

hold things, but honestly, they're really

not moving anywhere right now. Remember

how TJ Maxx has layaway?Yeah.

YeahSo I just want it to be

so big that I'm blown off my feet, you

know, when a big gust of wind comes, but

so heavy with jewels that I don't go too

far from like a rod, you know, and my

kids. And then they're like, you know, if

I'm at a dog park and I want to throw a

Frisbee, but I don't have a Frisbee on my

hand, but I have my hat. You know, the

dog could go get my hat. You could

probably throw that. I don't know if the

dog would bring it back in one piece,

though. That's true. Are they pricey?

What's the price for your for your hats?

The prices, I think the

cinnamays anywhere from like



we have a really nice white one that's

kind of solid. The two that I'm looking

at are more like what the queen would

wear. And I'm a queen. And then the

others that I have are more of like the

Kentucky Derby style. Oh, no, no, I'm not

a Kentucky Derby girl. No. But I am like

a queen. You know, if you think of

Queens, you think the queen, but

also the queen Jlo. So

yeah, I'm Jlo.

Oh, OK. I'm sorry. Go ahead. Oh, nothing.

No, I just. I want a hat to fly me into

space, you know?Like astronauts will be

flying, but then they see Jlo with their

hat. Yeah. Yeah

OK And if you don't have plans later, you

can watch Made in Manhattan. It's going

to be on TBS tonight. Oh, is it?

Yeah. I don't have to see. Yeah. I

actually don't have any, like, cable TV

or anything like that. You can just

watch. Justin, was it?It's Justin.

Justin. Yeah, Justin. You know, I once

wrote a song about hats, but it never got

put on an album. Can I sing it for you?

That's OK. I'm kind of busy

today. Put on the hats. Oh, yeah. Put

on the hats. Put on the hats and take

them to the bedroom.

What do you think?Oh, I I

have to go now. Bye. OK, bye.

Let's have you come in for a tour. Uh,

don't don't say-- don't say the word

tour. I did three tours in Vietnam.

It's a great day at Martial Arts. This is

Grace. And who am I speaking with?Grace?

Yes?Hi, my name's Burcham. I'm

a Vietnam veteran and I'm looking to

get my mojo back.

OK, right on. Were you

looking at martial arts classes?Let me

tell you what happened. I'm a Vietnam vet

and I started watching these videos. So

these veterans coming home and being

reunited with their dog. That seemed

pretty good. And then, yeah. Started

taking a deep dive on the dogs and next

thing you know it was wall-to-wall puppy

videos and I just turned, turned to a

full-fledged puss.

OK, I'm looking to toughen

myself up. What disciplines you guys

teach over there?For adults we have Muay

Thai, Brazilian Jujitsu and we're. You

see that video where the dog gets in

trouble and then hugs the other

dog?I have not now.

Have you done martial arts before?Well, I

of course, you know, they teach you at

Krav McGraw in the when you sign up for

the Marines, but that was



Cool. Well, in that case, I definitely

recommend having you try out the classes

first. Make sure you like it because it

is a bit different than Krav McGraw and

military style combat. Do you guys do you

do weapons training?We do

not. So we

Muay Thai is Thai kickboxing, also called

the art of eight limbs. And then we have

Brazilian jiu-jitsu, which is called the

gentle art. Yeah, I'm not looking. I'm

not looking for the gentle art of the

quiet storm. I want to kick some Fanny

OK, cool. Then Muay Thai, it sounds like

it's up your alley. A little snafu there.

I lost my right leg to a bouncing Betty

and Denang. OK.

What I would recommend then is first

of all, has your doctor cleared you to

train?Or do combat for it.

I ain't that big a pussyI don't go to the

doctor and ask his permission to kick a

man's assOK, cool.

Why don't I take down your information?

I'll give you a call on Monday to verify

what's number. Do you see the one where I

think it was a Labradoodle?This thing got

like a lot of hits on the Internet.

Labradoodle starts barking at his

shoe because he thinks his

master's in it. It was so damn

cute. Oh

gosh, that does sound really cute. God

damn it. Look what I've turned into.

Let's have you come in for a tour. Don't,

don't, don't say, don't say the word

tour. I did three tours in Vietnam.

OK, well, why don't we schedule an

appointment for you to come in?Did you

see the one where the where the

collie saw itself in the

mirror and started parking?Because.

And thought it was another dog.

Damn it. Oh,

I used to smoke hashish out of a shotgun.

And now this. Get a

hold of yourself, Bercha. You're a

decorated g*dd*mn marine. Well,

it doesn't sound too bad. I I appreciate

those videos too. So you see.

But did you see the one where the guy

called the MMA Center and pretended to

cry?All right, Persian. Well, you have a

great weekend. See you noonish money.

Bye-bye.

You're so nice. You know

what?You made me feel better. But I have

to warn you, my brother's coming too, and

he actually is a thief. But since you're

nice, I'm going to tell him not to steal

from your stove. I don't know how you

want me to respond to that. I'll be

Shasta again, because everybody going to

be Shasta.

Hi, Miss Kaylee. How can I help you?Hey,

Miss Kaylee, my name is Shasta, and I

just want to let you know that I'm going

to be coming into your store and do some

shopping. And I'm a black woman. And

please don't call the police on me, OK?

Oh, we would never do that. Listen, I'm

just giving you a heads up. I've went to

plenty of stores in that part of town and

people just call the police because I'm a

black woman. And it's very like, like now

I find myself in position to call people

before I come there. I can't be put in

that position anymore.

Absolutely. Yeah. Well, we're a

very accepting, open, loving place and we

would never judge anybody. And we welcome

you into our store with open arms. So I

would hope so. Because if if I pick up

some wooden letters that spell believe,

I'm not going to hit anybody. I'm just,

I'm just picking up the letter. Nobody.

You know what I'm saying?If I go to get

my wallet out of my pocket, it is really

just a wallet. Yeah, I totally

get that. Don't be alarmed if I squeal

over like a cute animal calendar or

anything like I'm not about the snap. I

just love animals just like you do. You

know, can you take the I will not call

the cops on a black lady pledge for me?

Yes, absolutely. If anyone has a

bulge on their hip, just tell me now and

I'm gonna stay home. No, nobody does. And

if you know our owner and our store and

our vibe, we're absolutely loving of.

And I and I appreciate that.

But you know, for security reasons, I'm

going to switch my ringtone over from the

baby song to Michael Buble so I don't

scare nobody. Yeah, yeahI'm sorry that

you have to feel that way in the world

today. If I hear the sirens outside, I'm

definitely going to run. Do you have a

back door?No, ma'am.

If you feel uncomfortable, then we we do

have an online store. So I'm not welcome

there in person. No, of course you're

welcome in person. I'm just saying if you

feel uncomfortable in any way. Oh,

just know that if I pick up a product,

I'm gonna pay for it. Yeah, of course.

You have secured me and made me feel so

safe to come into your store, and I'm

gonna be coming there in about 20

minutes. But when I get there, I'm gonna

yell to you. Kaylee, is the store safe

for black people?I'm going to yell that.

And if you yell, yes, it is.

That would make. OK, you know what?You

made me feel better. But I have to warn

you, my brother's coming too, and he

actually is a thief. But since you're

nice, I'm gonna tell him not to steal

from you still. I don't know how

you want me to respond to that. No,

you've done. You've done everything

perfectly. I really appreciate you.

Can you do me one thing?Can you do me one

favor?Just say you will not call the

cops on me. Mall security, 911, SWAT

team, FBICIA,

whatever on a black lady who just wants

to buy a scented candle. I just wanted to

say live, laugh, love.

That's it. Cool. Well, we don't.

I mean, yeah, we have plenty of candles.

None that say that on it. But can you

play some?I tell Jordan when I walk in

that that might could be my cue when I'm

safe. The only thing I can tell you is

you can absolutely come shop, but

there's. No need for, like,

unnecessary. Maybe some jodicy.

Anything. And we're not trying. We're not

doing anything unnecessary either. So I I

really appreciate you. I won't bring my

brother then. It's just going to be me.

OK, well, no worries. Thank you so much.

I'm on my way. OK. Have a good one.

Oh my God, that was so stupid. So what's

the shortest person you employ?Is there

anybody like a similar size?Anybody like,

you know, 5'2, 5'3?

Well, I have a lady working with me today

that's the Korean lady. She's small. Oh,

perfect.

Thank you for calling . This is Wan, how

may I help you?Hi, how are you?I'm just

fine. I'm looking for something kind of

specific. So I'm going to come in with my

boyfriend and I'm looking to see if you

guys carry anything that would flatter

the frame of somebody who's a little bit

on the smaller side. So he's like about



what size is he wearing in pants?He's

wearing about a 26 in the waist.

We're a big and tall store. I know, but

he's wearing about a 26 in the waist.

I know, but yeah, we The thing is he gets

really, he's very self-conscious about

shopping in certain sections of stores.

And I was just thinking if I brought him

to would feel more like,

have I been tall this entire time?

Yes, right. Yeah,

you could bring him in, but I'm I'm going

to say 26 waist is

is way. We start at a



will say, and hands. Very, very

big hands, people. I mean, he looks like

he has gloves on. OK, well,

do you guys sell shorts?We sell some

shorts, but they're like for big guys.

It's like a 4X5X6X. Is there any way

we could, you know, like put them like in

the pants section and then he's like, Oh

my God, these fit, you know, these the

length is perfect. I'll do the best I

can. I'll put what if I came in with some

clothes from like you know the the gap

like kids clothes and maybe you guys

could just even give us like some tags in

a bag that say extra, extra large.

I'd be happy to help you out. Do you

guys, do you guys do in store like

measurements?Yeah, we could. I could

measure me cause I could have you

measure. I mean we could kind of fudge

the numbers a little bit. OK. So what's

the shortest person you employ?Is there

anybody like a similar size?Anybody like

you know 52?I have three.

Well, I have a lady working with me

today. That's the Korean lady. She's

small. Oh, perfect. So

we could have her kind of greet him and

like, maybe she could, you know, make

sure she wears flats that day. And she

could kind of greet him and she could,

you know, look up at him, you know, Oh my

God, you know, hi. It's OK. Hold on.

Would you stop?Sorry. He's tugging on my

hand like right now. What?Yes,

we're going to go. Sorry. It's all right.

Something he always talks about too is he

really wants to have that experience

where he walks in and like hits his head

in a doorway like, oh, you know, so I was

wondering if you guys have like an area

we could sort of like do like a little

step ladder and then, oh, you know, I'm a

light. So I was wondering if you guys

have like an area we could sort of like

do like a little step ladder and then,

oh, you know, a light concussion. But it

was all worth it. We all have a step

ladder and but we'll do the

best. We'll make him feel big. Oh, that

would be wonderful. If you see us

coming, if you could just do me a favor,

just maybe dip into the back. Cause I

know if he sees somebody your size, he's

the jig is going to be up. Well, the

lady that works here today is the owner's

wife and I kind of got to watch the store

because she doesn't know the cash

register. She doesn't know a lot of

things or the prices because the cash

register is too high. He's going to hate

that too. Yeah, the cash register is

really high. I gotta say, I really

appreciate it. I mean, you just have such

a comforting voice, but it is a very deep

voice, and he is a very small guy. I was

wondering, is there any way, when he

comes in, you could kind of, you know--

Hello. You know, lift it up a little bit,

just so he doesn't-- 'Cause he does have

one of those sort of smaller voices.

I'll try to tender myself up. Oh, my

God. You know what you do?You really lift

people up, and I really appreciate that.

Well, you know, that's that's my

personality. But your voice, the way you

kind of lift, you know, how?Can I help

you?You know, if you could do something

like that, that would make a big

difference. Can you try that?Hello.

Yeah, hello, hello, helloThat is

so perfect. Okay, thank you. Have a

nice day.

You guys, him lifting his voice was so

funny. He was like,

hello, hello

Look at that.