05x20 - Nikki Glaser, Jimmy Kimmel & Tracy Morgan

[bunniefuu]

You know what I've been looking for,

'cause I've seen it online. Do you have

the Abraham Lincoln buttholeCould it have

been you who tooted?Do the good

morning sunshine. You say, hey,

good morning. We both have developed a

hankering for horse. My shoes are blue,

and my my underpants are

white... mostly. I believe in you.

Love yourself, b*tch

Come on, come on 'Cause we're having a

ball We're just making some calls to

strangers We're back on the cell

When the world's come to hellBut you're

gonna feel swell When they pick

up From New York to Alabama

They'll probably won't throw our a*s in

the slain Because we're disturbing others

Maybe even your mother Won't you join the

Crank Yankers tonight Crank

Yankers!

This is Sheba. Hi, how you doing?My name

is Punky Johnson. What's your name?My

name is Shiva. How can I help you out?I

was just calling because, you know, I'm a

life coach. I'm kind of just really

getting into it. And I wanted to know if

if there's a way that I can offer my

service with your company. Yeah, it's

it's probably better if you just send us

an e-mail or if you want to talk to the

head facilitator himself. OK. But can you

just please explain to him that I have

like a scared straight approach to

self-love?And like, my techniques are

like very aggressive and it's kind of

like forceful and it's like fear tactics

to make people love themselves. You know

what I'm saying?Yeah, totally. Like, say

somebody's like, they look fat, right?And

then I just pop up and I'm like, bam, I'm

like in they face like a sparkly d*ck at

Pride. You know what I'm saying?I want

people looking in the mirror at

themselves at least 100 times a day. They

like, love yourself, bitchI understand

where you're coming from, and I'm sure

that works out really well. It's just

this is probably not the place to do that

here, as we have a whole different

approach. It's really nothing to think

about, Shiva. It's like if I see a fat

girl, I balance her out. I'm like, yeah,

you might be fat, but you have beautiful

teeth. Focus on your teeth and not on

your fat. Now tell me that that's not

genius. That's a great way to do it as

well. There's more than one river to go

to the ocean. Repeat after me, Shiva. I

love my body. I love my body. I

love who I am. I really. Come on,

Shiva. OK, I love what I have. I love fat

people. Say it, Sheba. I love fat people.

I'm not afraid to punch a b*tch for

looking at me sideways. Now you know you

want to say that part. I probably would,

but I'd lose my job. Not if I'm there. I

encourage this type of behavior. Yeah,

see, that's that's that's what scares me

as well. I have obesity of the soul.

I have obesity of the soul. That's for.

See. Come on, man. Get on board. Cause

you can't spell obesity without city. Fat

b*tches mostly live in cities. I mean, I

can kind of let you know that this is

probably not going to be the best spot

for you to thrive. Not only just for us,

but even for your personal benefit. I

think you're wrong. Like, I thrive

everywhere. You're a very lively woman.

Say, Punky, you're hired. I repeated the

other stuff you wanted me to say, but it

looks like this is just kind of turning

into too much right now. Just say you

love me. Then. Just say you love me.

Punky, I love you. You love me. I do. I

genuinely do. It's just that, you know, I

didn't hear you. Yeah, already. I love

you, Sheba. Maybe take a meditation

class. Sheba. Love yourself, b*tch

Fine. This is Brittany. Hello. My name is

Landelius Trufel. Who am I speaking with

right now?I mean, who are you calling?

Where are you calling from?I'm I'm pretty

sure you done heard of me. I'm a retired

semi-pro football player, pretty

popular in the southern eastern area

of Michigan in the downriver area. Long

story short, I would like to market and

bottle my wine called

Landelius Fruit

Loopy Red. And

then you have a picture of me winking.

Let me ask you something though. Do you

sip a little bit of the wine where ain't

nobody looking?I I don't, actually. I

don't drink wine. You don't drink wine at

all?No. You drink beer?Nope. Rum?Nope.

Hard cider?Nope. Nothing. Nothing

What about the weed?You smoke weed?Nope.

CBD S?Nope. Edibles?No,

not even a little. Girl, what you do for

fun?What do you do for fun?Uh, you know,

just normal stuff. You know what I like

to do?Have you tried this hot

yoga?No. I like regular yoga.

You heard of goat yoga, right?But they

got the little goats standing all on you.

Have you heard of singing yoga?What is it?

We hold a lot of our emotionality

in our vocal cords. So when you do the

good morning sunshine, you say, hey,

good morning sunshine.

Do you think you would try that?Probably

not. What?Why not, girl?It's fun.

I'm a quiet person. Some of the nuttiest

people I ever met, guess what they do for

a living?Bingo. You're right. They are

accountants. You know, I hate to cut the

conversation short, but I do have to get

back to work. I know you do. I know you

'cause you're counting them grapes. Now,

before I let you go, maybe you should

give me your e-mail, 'cause I... OK.

Landelius. OK. Land.

L-A-N-D-E-L-E-U-S-S.

Landelius at... Big

black capital B capital I capital

GBLACK

bigblack.org and

org is not how it sound. It's

ORREG

org.com. Can you read

it back to

me please?

OK Landalius at BIGBLACK dot ORREG

ORREC. I'm gonna pass your

info on to my winemaker. OK. And

she won't be back till next week, though.

Okey dokey. All right. You take

care. Sounds good. I'll see you later.

Bye-bye.

Hello. Hi. UmLast week I

was in the store and apparently

someone passed gas around me and

and it got kind of like I was the

one labeled as the one who had dealt it,

even though I barely smelled it.

That sounds like something that would

never happen here. No one's ever

farted in your store. No, that that

that definitely happens every day,

everywhere, right?But none of us would

ever. Make fun of someone for

doing that. It was so bad though that it

was like too much to not laugh out. I

just, I don't believe that this is our

store. This doesn't sound like any of us.

People can say a lot with their eyes and

I just felt like people were looking in

my way and I just felt I felt

it sounds like you're assuming. I

I am, yeah. I'm assuming that people in

there thought it was me it. I mean the

smell itself burned my nose so I know

that other people were definitely

reacting to it. That's that's also an

that's also an assumption. Is this is

there a smell happening right now in your

store that you can pick up on that it

could have been you maybe a sewage you

know a septic tank problem because it was

we don't we don't have a septic we don't

have a septic tank and no

you.

Absolutely

not, Miss. OK, so you admitted that you

farted in your store. It could have been

you. Sure.

Look, this is, this is insanely

inappropriate for us to be talking about

over the phone. If you'd like to come in.

Listen, everyone farts. You said it

yourself. You do it. I do it. Yes, I

look, I yes, everyone farts. Every

single person on this planet far is, and

nobody in this store would make fun of

someone for doing that. So it was you.

I have no idea if it was me that you're

referencing. OK, he who denied it must

have supplied it. I've cleared my name

and I thank you for that.

You know what?You can laugh all you want.

My father died from a fart. He

had a fart attack. Look, please don't

call us again. We have a long running

history of fart disease in our family.

Please don't call us again with this.

This is inappropriate. It's harassment

and I ask that you stop. Was that a fart

that did I just hear a fart?Have a nice

day. Toodaloo.

Yes. Do you this is sex toys?Yes.

Oh, thank God. My name is Spooney Love

from up above. I'm a lover, not a

fighter. So that's why I'm calling you

guys, because my wife is complaining.

We've been together 25 years now, going

on 26, and she's saying she's tired of

the same old position. OK, me behind

her hitting her headboard. She's tired of

it. So she said you need to add some

excitement to our love life. So I looked

y'all up. What are your top five toys?

We sell the

b*llet. It's a rechargeable b*llet. We

sell it pretty good. The thing that you

rub on your cl*t the thing that shoe rubs

on our clitYeah, it's a b*llet. Yeah. She

got a whole shoe box full of those. She

got a shoe box full of those. Does she

like rabbits?She like wildebeest. That

rabbit don't do nothing for us. She need

like something the size of a elephant

foot. What about for me?Do you have

anything for men?Yeah, we have

like male masturbators. We have p*nis

pumps. We have sleeves, extenders. Male

masturbators. What is a male masturbator

that goes on my DickYeah, and you

masturbate with it and it's shaped like a

vag*na. But I'm like 12 inches around.

Then it might not work for you. So do you

have, like, fake booty holes?Yeah. Do

you have Puerto Rican ones?They're all

different. They're all different colors.

But do you have them, like, for old women?

They look like old women?No. Well, most

of the ones that we have, they're molded

by porn stars, so they're just all

different ones. You know what I've been

looking for, because I've seen it online.

Do you have the Abraham Lincoln butthole

No, we don't. What about the vibrating

turkey head?No, we don't have that. Oh,

I don't have that. I'm looking for

something special. I'm sorry. Oh, OK.

So do y'all have like t*tties from like a



there by the hips?No. What?Do you

have any suggestions?I need your help.

We have bonded stuff. You could tie each

other up and. But we already did that. We

already did that. I mean, it was a m*rder

involved and we're too far. I'm not

sure then. Do y'all sell Viagra?No. Y'all

don't have no blue pills?Mm-mm. 'Cause my

d*ck only stay hard for like 10 minutes.

No. Okay, one last thing. Do you have a

blow up Maya Angelou?And

still I rise.

This is Danielle. How can I help you?

Hello, Daniel. Sir, how can I help you?

Hi, darling. I'm looking for my pants and

my shoes and my shorts. OK,

where?I can't find them. And I

think I might have left them over there

with you people. Or maybe somebody stole

them. Were they in a locker room?I was

in there doing calisthenics. I

like to do jumping jacks and I

do some kind of lay lifts. OK, what's?

And then sometimes I just. Get up out

of my chair and I sit back down.

OK, well, what's your name?Elma.

Emma. Elma. Elma Higgins.

Did I meet you, darling?Are you the girl

who washed me?No, I'm sorry. No,

you must have the wrong number. Yeah,

nobody. Nobody here should be washing

you. Everybody wants to wash me.

OK. Well, when you come back in next

time, we'll look, we'll we'll look for

your clothes, OK?Well, if I can't

find my clothes, I can't go nowhere

because I only got one pair of shorts.

OK, well, my shoes are blue and my

my underpants are

white. Mostly. Well, you

can always come back in and see if

they're in here. I'm naked right now.

Where?From the waist down.

Where are you naked at?My

ba*ls, my p*nis and my

ba*ls are naked right now and I'm having

a problem. All right, I will have

somebody come help you out. I need you to

come in there, darling. I can't come into

the locker rooms. I'm sorry, but I have

somebody. Well, who's gonna come in there?

Well, I will see if. You can come check,

OK?I'm cold right now and I need

someone to wash my testicles.

Unfortunately, females are not allowed in

the men's locker room, but we will do our

best to accommodate you. I think that's

outrageous. Women should be allowed to go

wherever they want. My wife passed

away many years ago and she did whatever

she wanted to do. OK?She walked into a

hole and she died. We'll see

you. I'm sorry to hear that. So we'll see

you in a few seconds. Thank you. She

passed away. And I have. OK, Sir, we'll

send someone right over. Who's coming?

Don't send that skinny kid in here. He's

too rough. No problem. We'll send someone

else. He bangs on him and it hurts.

OK. And I need gentle. OK.

We will accommodate that, Sir. And it

might be a two person job. You have a

sister. So we'll see you in a few

seconds. Thank you. Hello.

Yeah.

Thank you for calling. This is speaking.

How may I help you?Hello. Yeah, this is

Bobby. I want to make a reservation. Uh,

sure. Let's see here. Yeah. Listen, I'm

part of I do Yelp reviews. I'm part of

Yelp Elite Squad. Oh, OK. Help me

out with the discount on the meal. Maybe

you give it to me for free. I usually

give good reviews. OK. Are we looking at



that normally work?Well, I'm bringing a

date, so I don't know if you know if

she's gonna. She's probably gonna want

dessert too. We'll get you taken care of,

Sir. That's not a problem. This is my

first rodeo. You know what I mean?I I I

got 37 LinkedIn followers. I got a big

following. You know, really get the word

out there if I don't get treated right.

Yeah, I understand. Well, listen, when I

come in, is there, you know, I'm gonna

come in with a date. Can you. When I come

in, can you say it's an honor to have you

here, Mr. Fletcher, just to impress, you

know, impress my date. I'm trying to get

in their pants. Sure, sureI I I

understand. Yeah, you understand how that

works, right?You know, should be like I'm

a big shot. And then, you know, Oh, of

course, of course. It'll be easier. It'll

be easier for me later on that night. I I

understand. So it doesn't matter how many

courses I get, dessert, all that other

stuff. You'll throw in some booze too.

Sir, I cannot do alcohol. Can I bring my

own booze then?No, Sir. You sure can't.

Sir, I cannot. I cannot

authorize. We do not allow outside

alcohol inside of our. Sir, you realize

I'm part of the Yelp Elite Squad. You

realize that, Sir. I I understand that.

But when it comes to doing the right

thing, that's what's most important,

doing the right thing. And right now I

feel like I'm being taken advantage of.

I'm the one who eradicated Long John

Silver's. You remember that place?

OK. Yeah. So I put them under because

they would give me a hard time. You know

what I mean?And they didn't get in my way

when I went in there. You are more than

welcome to pay for alcohol, Sir. I'm not

saying that you cannot order alcohol. I'm

telling you that we will not be providing

alcohol for you. It is a very specific

and clear instruction. You just dropped a

star. You realize that I provide a

valuable service. You know what?Your

services, honestly, are. Exploiting

restaurants and taking advantage of

people. That's what I do. You as a fellow

Yelper should know that you are not able

to bring outside alcohol into a

restaurant, but yet you're wanting me to

jeopardize my my license, my

establishment and my career for you to

bring a date in. All right, we started

off on a bad foot. Are you hiring at all?

Are you kidding me?Yeah, I just lost my

job at this other place. We are more than

happy to give you an interview. Can we do

the interview over the phone?No, I do

interviews Monday, Monday through

Thursday between 2:00, 2:00 and 4:00.

Those are my office hours. I play video

games with my friends during those hours.

Can I?We just do it over the phone. Just

kind of feel each other out. I think I've

I've felt you. I was good enough. I'm a

harder worker than anyone I know from



me. Oh, that's wonderful. Because from



than I am.

This is. Oh, hey,

listen, I, you know, I've been reading in

the newspapers, a lot of horses

going down. Seems to be

quite common these days. Yeah, I don't

believe I've seen any this year. Well,

what do you do when a horse does get

injured?You have to you put it down,

right?Not necessarily.

It depends on the injury. I'm just

saying, what do you what do you do with

them after you put them down?The landfill

has a place where you can take your

animals. Well, that's kind of where I'd

like to kind of intervene at that point,

which is that's good, good horse

meat. You're looking for some horse meat,

huhWell, I'm saying you're going to go

bury it or incinerate it.

I could be marinating it. You'd have to

get a hold of some of the horse owners or

whatever. I have spoken to some owners,

right?And they have this weird

attachment to the horse, even though it's

passed. So I don't know if I'm going to

be able to pull this off if I go through

the owners. But if you kind of run

interference for me, I think I could get

my hands on some of this protein and I'd

be more than happy to make it worth your

while, brother.

Well, now we're talking. Get

that stuff in the right Asian marinade

and it's good to go. Yeah. You want to

make 50 quick?No. You

got that race later on tonight, right?I

don't want you to take out the 1st place

horse. That's too obvious. Yeah, I'm

afraid. I I just can't help you. Well,

hold on a second. I feel like we're

kindred spirits here. We both have

developed a hankering for horse. I

wouldn't say I dropped the hankering for

horse. Let's say you got the hankering.

No, there's better things to eat. I get

it. If you eat your dog, it's weird. But

if I eat your dog, it's cool. And if you

eat my dog, I got no problemo. That's a

kuna matata, my friend. Yeah, that

don't work that way for me. All right, so

are there any dead horses there?You're

not talking to a guy who owns any horses?

Well, of course you don't own any. You

ate them all. Yeah, you're wrong there.

Now listen up. You know when a shark gets

a taste for human blood?When a boy gets

his first bite a horse,

he never goes back. Yeah. We're fighting

it right now, but I feel like we're

brothers, compadres. You get it?No, we

are far from that. All right, listen,

kid. Well, I've got some work for you, so

I'll talk to you later. You have a nice

day. I didn't want it to come to this,

but I will come . tell everyone you've

eaten horse. Wow, man. When that guy's

done blowing his bugle, I'll come in

there screaming like a banshee. I'll say,

Guess who's eating horse at this track?

And I'll point right up to your booth.

Holy was raised on horse

sandwiches. All right, I'll talk to you

later. Come do it. By the way, you're

invited to the barbecue. You bring the

suds.

Look at that.