05x17 - Kevin Nealon, Jimmy Kimmel & Paul Scheer

[bunniefuu]

I want to break up with my boyfriend.

Hell yeah. Like, I'm not trying to have

short kids. What happened in your life

that made you hate dogs?It's way taller

than what the latter said it was going to

be. My wife is suing me. I also have a

prosthetic arm. Yeah, and I got a huge

rash. I was associated. Is, um,

a poem. We will construct this woman's

vag*na. DJ Khaled will sh**t out of

the vag*na.

Come on, come on 'cause we're having a

ball We're just making some calls to

strangers We're back on the

cell when the world's gone to hell But

you're gonna feel swell when they

pick upFrom New York to Alabama

Don't prom once, throw our a*s in the

slam Because we're disturbing others

Maybe even your mother Won't you try to

crank Yankers tonight Crank Yankers!

Hey, this is . Hi, uh, my

name's Tamara, and I have, like, kind of

a weird request.

You guys are open for dinner, right?Yeah.

OK. So I want to break

up with my boyfriend. I feel like you're

a woman. So, like, you can relate to

this. And I want to get a table

that's central to, like, a lot of people

being able to see what's going to happen.

Oh, yeah, right. You got it. You're

f*cking down. Like, I met. We were

getting kind of serious. And I met his

family, like, last night. And it turns

out his dad is, like, super short. Oh,

no. I'm like, I'm not trying to have

short kids. Yeah, right. And he's kind of

like a d*ck and it's just like not going

well. And so I want to break up publicly

because I don't want there to be any

confusion, like, oh, should I go after

her?It's like, no, for sure. Let's do it.

Let's go with that. We can write on a

menu and like, like, print it, print a

special menu for you. Oh, my God. So it's

like, right. It's like we've got like

little gem lettuces. Dejori. Dejori

chicken. Go f*ck yourself, Steve. OK, so

I'm gonna put desert

menu. It's over. And he's gonna

cry. That's the thing. Good. Like, I

don't need everyone to see it, but I need

them to hear it. I love to see them cry,

right?Like, I could bring my own cake,

but would you guys write on it like PS

you have a small Wiener?We would not.

If I wrote, if I wrote it, would you cut

it and serve it to the. I love that. Do

you have a sound system?We do. Do you

think you guys could play Foo Fighters?

There goes my hero as I walk away. I

don't know if we can actually do that. We

will try our best. Pyrotechnics are

probably like out of the question. Oh, my

God. Wait, let me put you on a brief

hold. OK?Give me a second.

Hi. I'm so told

you had a special request for this

evening. I'm afraid we're not going to be

able to do that for you. Oh, no. We,

like, got all the checkmarks and we,

like, did everything. Oh, no. What part?

Yeah, but we. OK, we we

can't allow. We can't encourage a public

scene in the restaurant that's going to

affect everyone's dining experience. I'm

so sorry. OK. Can I be fair, though?Can

we be fair?It was's idea.

What?OK, gotcha. OK, wait, can I just say

goodbye to?Absolutely. Thank you.

Hold on one moment. Hey there. OK, your

boss is a tool, but I just want you

to know I'm gonna make a reservation for

tonight, but I'm like, still gonna do all

the things that we planned. But like,

it's like low key black Ops. Great. Wait,

can I just say something?Cause are you at

like the hostess stand?Cause when you

walk in, I don't want you to let his

oxygen tank, like, make you feel bad for

him cause he's like a drama queen. I

will. I won't have you working tonight

and I'll be in for lunch tomorrow. I'm

going to meet you. Great. We'll we'll see

you then. Let's let's f*cking light this

dude up. Bye. New

best friends. OK, bye.

This is. Can I help you?Hi.

Yes. Are you the main man around there?

I'm the director of sales here. Perfect.

You're exactly who I need to talk to. I'm

calling about a project,

slash events, slash celebration,

and I'd love to go through it with you if

I could. OK, so one of my

clients, DJ Khaled, is

having a baby. With his fiance

and he wants to surprise

her and the whole family

by throwing a gender reveal

party at your water park,

OK?Now, are you familiar with those?It's

kind of like a like a baby shower with a

little bit more history to it. Sure. Yes.

And some fun. More fun. You know, it's

not just a bunch of women handing each

other diapers. It's men and it's it's

water and it's jumping around and it's

fun. So here's what DJ would like to do.

He wants to build

out one of your water slides

in the form to resemble the

human birth canal.

OK, yes. So what he would like to do is

add womanly hips to the

outside of this water

slide. You're. I'm not that. I'm not

that native a man. I mean, you're talking

about doing structural changes to our

slides. Yes, certain amount of risk and

liability and everything else. Let's do

it. First of all, we have to find the

time to do it that won't pack the rest of

our cast, right?Secondly, we have to. I

have to get permission from the corporate

office. Yes, we want all of that. We want

all of that. Now here's how this would

work. DJ Khaled's going to bring in all

his big celebrity friends. Connie is

going to be there. We will construct

this, what basically will resemble a

woman's vag*na. At the moment of the

reveal, DJ Khaled will sh**t

out of the vag*na. Either dress as a

baby boy or a baby girl, depending

upon the gender of the child. It's not

something I perceive our corporation in

wanting to do, right?I'm. That's why I'm

calling. I'm just trying to give you some

kind of vision on this. Because listen,

there's a lot of water parks out there.

And yes, I've called a number of them and

I've been trying to get somebody to go

along with this. But nobody's going along

with it. I can maybe see why. I mean,

they're all family oriented businesses. I

don't see them jumping on this. What's

more family oriented than the birth of a

child?All right. Thank you. Have a great

day. OK. All we're looking for. Can I

just say one thing?Just one more,

please.

Hi, this is Nick. What can I do for you?

Hey, Nick. My name is also Nick

accidentally.

I am calling. I'm bringing my family in

tonight for some fun. It's my son's



patch in my legal counsel here real

quick. Amy, are you on the phone?Hey,

Nick, it's Amy Baloney here at Esquire.

We're just calling to make sure that my

client, Nick, has a legally

fun time at your venue.

So, Nick, what can we do that's going

to kind of give us the edge?I'm

sorry. I don't quite understand. Listen,

I know what it's like to be busy. I'm

dealing with a lot of other bullshit

especially in my personal life. My wife

is suing me. I also have a prosthetic

arm and I got a huge rash.

Nick, I apologize. Amy, if you want to

just table that so we can get back to the

issue at hand. Copy you, Nick. I

am trying very hard to be patient with

you. But it's getting harder and harder.

I need some kind of guarantee if you guys

want to get an escrow account going so

that when when Nick hits it big on the

skeetball machine, we're guaranteed at

least a $25 prize. I can give you guys

the main office phone number, but it

sounds. I don't want to get. Excuse me,

excuse me. I do not want to go through a

back and forth with corporate. I do that

all day long. Are you going to show my

son Nick a good time on his 13th birthday

or not?We try our best to make the entire

visit here enjoyable. Put it. Put it in

writing,

man. I dare you to give me the main

office number. I'm sorry. I'm not. I'm

not quite sure what's going on here. I'm

not quite sure. Go ahead, give me the

number. Let's just see. Let's throw it up

in the air. Let's see what happens.

What's your next move?If you say that you

don't want the number, I won't give you

the number. If you'd like the number, I'm

more than happy to give it to you. But if

you don't want it, now you're playing

games. I'm just going to throw out a

number. How about that $1 million?And

that's what my wife Debbie, that's what

she wants. So

Nick, you know that I have to deal with

certain things and I'm frustrated that we

can't get the number from you. Nick, I

understand the frustration, but I have

authorization to negotiate. I don't have

authorization to accept. My son Nick is

coming in the room and I don't want him

to hear any of this negativity. So if

Amy, if everybody could sing as loud as

they can, 234. Happy

birthday to you. Happy.

I don't hear you singing, bud. Guys, I

understand you're frustrated, but there's

not anything else I can do for you on

this phone call. I've tried my best to be

understanding. I've tried my best. Do you

have air hockey there?Excuse me. Do

you have air hockey there?Please say yes.

We do. Uh, now we're in business. All

right, well, we'll see you in about an

hour. OK. We'll see you when you get in.

Bye. Bye. Bye.

Thank you for calling Hardware. This is

Richard. Richard, this is Gary.

I bought a ladder from you guys just the

other day and I I knew it was

tall, but I am now on the top of this

ladder and I am, I am freaking

out. I am stuck up here. It's way taller

than what the ladder said it was going to

be. You got a ladder from us. I bought a

ladder from you guys. You said it was a 6

foot tall ladder. I am up here. It feels

like we are. I'm like 7-8 feet up here.

It's just too tall. I could see the

pool from my house. OK,

Michael, stop throwing the spitballs

right now. Can you just help me?OK,

can you grab?the top of the of the

ladder. That's where my feet are. That's

where my feet are right there. Oh, wow.

That's scary up there for sure.

So just slowly, slowly bend your knees.

Drop 1 foot down. That made it more

wobbly. It made it more wobb. I bent down

and made it more wobbly. Yes. So have

have somebody hold the ladder. Now you're

shaking it. They're shaking it. Like tell

them it's no joke. This is serious. God

damn it, guys. Just hold on to the

ladder, please. Slowly bend your knees.

And get one foot down that next step. Oh,

f*ck a kid just shot me with a

slingshot. Slowly lower yourself

down. Get on that. No child should have

to bury their parent. Hey, you're you're

gonna be just fine. I got 1 foot down.

Oh, shitMy croc just fell off. Oh,

God. OK, now I'm barefoot. Now I'm

barefoot. This is not good. Take your

other foot and start working your way

down. f*cking drone. Dennis. No

drones.

OK. My foot's slipping from the ice

cream, 'cause I brought ice cream up

here, and it was just... You know, I

think once you get your foot down, you

can just step to the next one. OK. And

just work your way down. Oh, God, OK, I

got 2 feet down. I got 2 feet down.

Oh, hallelujah. Oh, God, I'm back up. I

got to the top again. OK, I'm freaking

out. I'm gonna jump. No, don't jump. I'm

gonna go for it. I'm gonna jump. And

maybe my erection will stop me. OK.

ohh I laid it on my Crocs. Oh,

God. Thank God you saved me.

Hey, have a good one. I'm glad you're

done.

Good afternoon. This is. Good afternoon.

I'm calling about the room. Oh, yes. Are

you. Do you have a reservation with us or

do you want to make a reservation?I would

like to make a reservation, but also get

some information. I'm happy to provide

information, but I can't. I'm not able to

book the reservation. That's OK. Don't

beat yourself up. It's all right. I just

want to get for the information for the

travel agent. Now I I'm coming

with dogs. You take dogs. Yes, we're a

pet friendly hotel. That is fantastic

news. All right, let's get down the

business. I have six dogs, all dots and

doodles, prize show dogs. I leave them

for two weeks and then I come back.

So you would be leaving the dogs here. Do

you have a caretaker that can come up and

keep an eye on them?I'll be completely

honest. We don't have anyone who

is trained to take care of dogs. All

right. OK. Do you have anyone that is not

completely honest?How may I

assist you?Well, I need to know that I

can have a room for two weeks for my

Datsun Doodles. They're show dogs and and

they are primed to be giving birth at

that time. Sir, I'm going to have to

connect you to reservations. I'm not

able. All right. Don't beat yourself up.

All right. No, I'm not. Don't beat

yourself up. I know this is a I know this

is a tall order. These are trained

show dogs and they need the best. Just

one moment. Good afternoon.

This is. Speaking. Yeah, I said I was. I

was talking to. Is she still there?

Please. Oh, no. She wants a lunch. How

may I assist you, Sir?We have 6 prized

Lustavian data doodles,

and I'd like to board them at your hotel.

There's no specific rooms for dogs, Sir.

Don't beat yourself up. We'll make a

reservation for the dogs. And thank you

for your professionalism. I appreciate

it. I had on the phone before and it was

total chaos. Which rooms do you have for

the dogs?We don't have certain rooms for

dogs. What happened in your life that

made you hate dogs?It's like it's

impossible to get the room for the dog. I

don't know what this has to do with the

dogs, but I'm telling you that I cannot.

Drop it. Drop it. I'm sorry. I'm talking

to my dog. The policy is 2 dogs for a

hotel. The policy. There's no such thing

as policy in Lustavia. Yes, there is,

Sir. So, girls, get your things together.

Pack your bags. We're going to New York.

Get in the helichopter. We'll see you

soon. Goodbye.

This is How can I help you?Hello, my

name is Helen Clinch and I'm calling from

the Backwards Caps Society. I belong to a

women's group that wears backwards caps.

And honors the arts. And I was calling

today because we spread art around the

city in different sorts of ways and

mediums, from painting it on an

easel in the middle of the city to

what I'm calling you about today, which

I'm wondering if your building accepts

graffiti. I can share you. I can

forward you to our executive director

here and she can talk about any art

installments and what that would look

like if you like. Because I always

associate as

poor. So maybe you need money and this is

something that could get you money. And

you know, I could say the language we use

is not necessarily the the poor when

we're talking about our customers. So

stupid with money. Nope.

Not language you would use either. They

might be slow with money. Let me transfer

you to looks like she's in a call

right now and I will. I will come down

there today and I'll leave cash on the

floor. I've played the game before with

kids where you put cash on the floor and

then people chase it and for whoever can

get it. Quick enough. And I'd come down

there and do that. Just as quick as

slicing into a piece of pie. No, I don't

think we're looking for anything like

that either. That also sounds like kind

of a demeaning activity. And it doesn't

have to be anything more than $1000.

Yeah, I'm going to put you on hold and

transfer you to. OK, Can I tip you for

this?I'm good. $20

could do so much for your family on

Christmas. All right, I'm going to put

you on hold and transfer you to. One

second.

Hello, this is. Hi, my

name's Helen Clinch. I just talked to.

Hi. I'm part of the Backwards Caps

Society. It's a group of women promoting

arts around the city. Uh-huhAnd we can go

to the one that and I had discussed cash

on the floor with the poor. So anybody

who you deem as poor or has

the bad clothes. They would be the first

ones to crawl to the cash on the floor. I

don't think it really fits in with.

It kind of has some really negative

connotations. I know it's for a good

cause, right?But I don't know if

that's kind of demeaning to people that

aren't. That do not have memes. We have

another idea called the jewel pit, where

we put jewels in a ball pit if that

is less demeaning. OK, thank

you. We will touch day. And then also,

where should I send a tip?I wanted to

send you, you know, $20 to $30. I'm gonna

hang up the phone right now, but thank

you for calling. We have another idea

called the corporate ladder, where

there's a bar of gold at the top of a

ladder. Bye, bye.

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Look at that.