05x09 - Adam Carolla, David Koechner & Natasha Leggero

[bunniefuu]

He lost my snake in your hotel.

It's it's a it's about an 8 foot boa. I'm

a party Robin, as you can probably tell

already. No, no, no, no, no, no, no

Robin. Sick or. No, they're not sick.

They're just contagious. And then two are

vegan. You show me a CBD bottle, I hear

helicopter blades. Am I gonna die?

She's not. Look, she's not a criminal.

Nothing's been proven.

Come on, come on, 'cause we're having a

ball. We're just making some calls to

strangers. We're back on the cell

and the world's gone to hell. But you're

gonna feel swell When they pick

up from New York to Alabama

They'll probably won't throw our a*s in

the slam Because we're disturbing others

Maybe even your mother Won't you join the

Crank Yankers tonight Crank

Yankers!

Hi, this is Bobby. I want to get a

delivery, please. Can I have your phone

number, please?Yeah, it's



Yeah, I wanted to get, uh, a pizza.

Just a large pie. Yeah. OK. Anything

else?Yeah. Uh, chicken parm. OK.

Twenty-eight. 09. Forty-five minutes. All

right, listen, whoever's gonna, uh,

deliver it. Uh, I need them to do me a

favor if they could pick up my

grandmother right at the police station

on the way. They're not going to do that,

Sir. I'm sorry. Why?It's right. It's

right there. OK. But my, my, my own. The

owner will not allow that. My

grandmother's really nice. I understand.

But they will not allow it. She's all I

have. OK, well, you're going to have to

call a cab because they will not allow

it. She doesn't have any ID on her. And

she doesn't have any money to get the

cab. I just need you guys to. They will

not do that. I'll give the guy an extra

few bucks. They're

not going to do it. But what else are the

delivery guys doing right now?OK, Sir,

all the drivers are out, but you're

asking me to have the driver stop at the

police station to pick up your

grandmother. She's waiting right out

front. OK, Sir. She's right out front.

She just got released. They're not going

to do that. So if you called here just

for that to get a delivery, they're not.

No, I'm not. I'm calling about food. I'm

hungry. She. I mean, she's really sweet.

OK, Well, I'm sorry, Sir, but they're not

gonna do it. She likes to hug. OK, Sir,

I'm very busy right now. So I'm busy too.

Do you want the order or you don't want

to deliver?No, I do want the order. She's

not. Look, she's not a criminal.

Nothing's been. Proven. OK, so

I I have. What do you have against sweet

old ladies?I feel like you're being

disrespectful to my grandmother. OK, so

I'm going to. I'm not even going to take

your food order because this is

ridiculous. Can you put your boss on the

phone?Sure. Hello. Hello

HelloYeah. Hello. Yeah. I want to get a

delivery, please. Yeah, I know that. But.

But we're not allowed to pick up any

passengers. OK, well, just pick my

grandmother up then. Forget the food. We

cannot do that. Well, you could just. I'm

only two blocks away. Could you just walk

her over?No, no, noWe cannot do that. OK.

Why?You don't have a car?No, we have the

car, but we don't have the policy. OK.

Because if anything happens, you can sue

us. OK. No, but I won't. I promise. No, I

don't care. I don't care if you promise

to Donald Trump. If you want. I promise

to Donald Trump. I won't sue you. All

right. So give her the order and we'll

deliver the order. And that's it. I did.

I already gave her the order.

OK. All right. So that's it. Hold on.

Sir. Yeah. OK. You want a large pie and a

chicken parm here or anything else?Yeah.

Forget my grandmother. Can you get my

aunt from the grocery store then?OK, Sir,

I'm not. I'm not delivering your food.

Call somewhere else. Have a great day.

Hello. How may I help you?

Hey, I wanted to know if I could book a

party. Oh, absolutely. OK,

cool. It's going to be like 14 kids,

OK, two weeks from, 2 weeks from now. And

then eight of the kids have measles.

So eight of the kids are like, they're

sick or no, they're not sick, they're

just contagious. And then two are vegan.

So I just want to make sure there's vegan

options at the snack bar. There

are, I believe. Um,

did you say they were contagious?Well, I

mean, measles is contagious, but we're

just kind of they're riding it out.

OK, OK, cool. And the measles,

it's just like natural measles. I I know

there's two different kinds. My mother's

actually a doctor. And you said that. And

I just wanted to make sure they weren't

actually like, um, like

highly contagious where I'd have to be.

Did you say you're a doctor?No, no, no,

my mother. My mother is. Oh, OK. So I

was just wanting to make sure it wasn't

going to be putting other customers or

other children that are here at risk. It

will a bit, but that's just part of

measles. But it's like the cute disease

where they have the little, you know, the

little red spots on their face.

Mm-hmmOK. All right. And maybe can

your mother be there?Because it always

helps to have a doctor in the house.

Actually, probably not, because she has

her own job. No, I hear you. And we don't

need the doctor for the measles. It's

just for the one kid who has leprosy.

Will you actually give me one second?I'm

going to check something real quick. I

think we're just going to come come there

now because tonight. Yeah. Yeah

So I have a kid that actually just got

seriously hurt, and I need you to go

ahead and, like, call-- Guys, get in the

van. OK, I'll see you then. Take care of

that little kid. All right. Love you.

Bye.

Pharmaceutics is . Is this

the pharmacy?Yes. Can I help you or

what you need?Yes, darling. I got a

problem here and I need

some advice. OK, So what is your question?

My grandson put

my medicine in his ears

and then I I ate it and now

he's yelling at me. Who?WhoWho

It was a little

white pill. It was hard

and I swallowed it and

now I feel music in my stomach. You have

music in your stomach?And I don't like

that kind of music. I don't know what to

tell you. Just call your doctor, OK?Am I

gonna die?Hello. This is the pharmacist.

This is the pharmacist. This is the

pharmacist. My grandson.

Said I ate his earbuds. OK, what's your

name and number?I'll research it and I'll

call you back. My phone number's 5.

You want the rest?Yes.

Two. Is there someone else

there that can give me the phone number?

What?Is there someone else there that can

give me the phone number?For who?For you?

Why do I need my own number?

OK, I'm going to put you on hold. Hang

on. OK, OKMy

pharmacist says she's researching your

question. I'll need your phone number so

she can call you back with an answer.

She's gonna call me. If you give me your

phone number, she will call you back.

What is your phone number?



OK, that's my number. So that's obviously

not your number. What are you talking

about?I'm talking about if you want the

pharmacist to answer your question, you

need to give me a phone number right now

so she can call you back. Or me. What is

your phone number?Oh, you want my phone

number?That's what I said. The one I'm

calling from. Correct. OK,

sweetheart. I'm sorry. I didn't know. OK,

if you're not going to give me your phone

number right now, I'm going to hang up.

My name's Elma Higgins. I'm 93

years old. OK, What is your phone number?

Or I'm hanging up. And now I feel music

in my stomach.

Hello. HelloI'm calling because I just

moved from Montana, and I'm a party

Robin, as you can probably tell already.

No, no, no, no, no, Robin. Um

I was actually rated #2. Party

Robin in all of Montana. And so I

just want to see how I audition for you

guys. I come in in person and sing Happy

Birthday as Robin. So what is the process

for me to get in?We actually don't do

that kind of thing. Yeah, we do more

entertainment stuff, more shows and stuff

like that. And those characters are kind

of licensed. So we generally have open

for general characters, but

we don't really deal with the licensing

portions of of characters. Right. Could I

just join Batman on his routes in

case, you know, there is a party Batman

gets sent off?Because I have spent my

entire career playing Robin and

we we hire general entertainers in

general. So I see.

Well, it it just I'm about 5-2 and

Filipino, so Robin is probably the

only character that I look like because

there aren't a lot of Filipino

superheroes, right?Well, like I said. If

you're looking for a general

entertainment job, absolutely. We do

things like pirate parties and we do

luau shows and things like that. So it's

more fast than just a Batman or a Robin

showing up to a party. The luau show

might be OK. I'm not a large Hawaiian

man. No, that's right. Not a lot of

people are large Hawaiian. OK, cool. I

can also sing. I can rap. I can cook.

Singing is good. We don't really need

rapping. Everyone on our staff can rap,

it feels like. Really. Yeah. I can come

in and have a rap battle with you guys.

If you're interested in coming in though,

like that, you're welcome to check out

the swing by, fill out application. OK.

Should I bring in my Robin costume for

the audition?I feel like that was just,

you know, in Montana, he was

very popular. It's just not something we

do. But what if we call it like that

hero and Robert?Still

still don't want to get into the

licensing situation. I also do like a

great Jerry Seinfeld. I've done that too.

Well, thank you. And I'll keep that in

mind. What about that Batman?The

Penguin?The Riddler?What's the deal

with those people?

What's the deal with Batman?Have a

good day, brother. I appreciate you.

What's the deal with that Robin, huhHe's

pretty good. It's pretty

good, right?

Good evening. Thank you for calling. This

is Tiffany. How may I help you?My name is

Ray Erbst. I did not stay at your hotel,

but I do have something I need to report

to you. I was there

a week ago meeting my brother-in-law. OK.

Now I have a comfort snake.

It's it's it's about an 8 foot boa, so I

can carry it wherever I want. I've I've

float on planes with it. Uh-huhI go

in to meet Billy and I've got

my snake with me. OK. He says, oh, I just

want to touch your snake. And I didn't

want to do it, right?Because this guy is.

He ain't right. And that SOB

took my snake. But he told

me he lost my snake

in your hotel. How big is the snake

again?It's about 8 foot long. And what

kind of snake is this again?It's a boa

constrictor. So what is the snake name,

Sir?Ray Donovan is the name of the snake.

Ray Donovan. You ever watch that TV show?

No. I named it after him

because I like the show. OK,

now, there aren't any small children

there, are they?I hate to even say it,

but now make sure nobody leaves kids

unattended or or their dogs or whatever.

He's probably just crawled up under

something. Do you have any nice, cool,

damp places in the hotel you can tell me

about?Well, Sir, do you know that we've

been having a problem with our elevators?

I wonder if he's crawled up in there. So

you think he might be on the elevator?No,

I'm just. I'm just saying, you know,

that's the only issue that we've been

having going on lately. He's afraid of

heights. I hope he's not up there. Now,

you might want to get a small bell and

say his whole name, Ray Donovan. Ray

Donovan, do you want to

record my voice?OK,

can you say it again so I can record it

again?Ray Donovan. Ray

Donovan. Ding, Ding, Ding, Ding, Ding. I

feel stupid saying it. Ding, Ding, Ding.

But I don't have a bell either. OK, OK, I

got the recording and we'll check

and we'll walk around the property and

say the recording. And we will also say

Ray Donovan's name. And hopefully we'll

come up with something. OK. Could you

just, could you just yell it out right

now for me?He might be in the lobby. You

don't know. Oh, Ray Donovan. Ray Donovan.

Is he coming?Come out. Come out wherever

you are. Is he coming?How

fast does he move?Well, he can move

fast. I mean, if he's motivated. Ray

Donovan. Oh, my gosh. Gosh

darn it. What happened?

He's here. HuhHe's in my house.

Oh, he. I guess he missed me.

He's he. Oh, my goodness. He's he's just

giving me a big old hug. Ray.

Hey, Ray. Now. NowI miss you too. I miss

you too. Ray. Ray. No. I guess

Ray. Ray. Ray's mad at me. Oh, God.

Oh.

Ryan Diamond. OK, Sir. Well, I'm glad you

found your pet. Have a great day.

Thank you for calling Health Food. I got

a wife that's

heavyset, I guess would be the nice,

polite way to call it. What's the best

for weight control?For weight

control, you know, that is

a good question. I told

her like, peanut butter's good if you

want to give your cat an antibiotic or

rub on your areolas, but it's not good

ingest, right?I mean, not

in super large quantities, no, because it

is a super high fat content. You guys got

you got almond milk?Yes.

We also have hemp milk. Oh,

hemp. Well, I don't want to catch you. I

don't want to catch you. Hi. No, no, no,

noYeah. So. So hemp is

kind of like the cousin to marijuana, and

you don't get any kind of

psychoactive effect from hemp. When I was

in Nam, one brother, he

smoked the weed from the end of a

shotgun. That's creative. Oh,

they've seen. Bongs made out of human

skulls, so I I don't want to go relive

that. Yeah, understandable. You

show me a CBD bottle, I hear helicopter

blades. But you can't. You cannot get

high from him. I promise you. It's

proven and backed by science. All right,

'cause I don't want to be kicking the

hacky sack and chasing that dragon all

afternoon. You guys

do golden beats. Um,

we don't have golden beets. I know we

have like some beet root powder.

Can I tell you something quickly?Well, I

we are starting to get kind of a line of

customers in here and it's just me and my

other co-worker. Yeah, I made a

beet powder smoothie and

about 10 hours later I was on the pot

doing my business. Looked down,

looked like Rosemary's baby in that

toilet. Now that's happened to the best

of us, right?Yeah, right.

So here's my little invention. And this

could make you a real hit at the Whole

Foods store. It's a Burcham Beet

bracelet. Give him a little, you know,

like the Livestrong Lance Armstrong

bracelet. This is just a purple bracelet.

You're sitting on the commode, you look

down at your handiwork, you think you've

had a prolapsed an*s and all of a sudden

you look at your bracelet and you go, oh,

well, that's right. I had beets 9 to 11

hours ago. Sweet idea.

That is, actually. All right. All right,

let me explain my garlic poncho to you.

Sir, I do have to go. Unless you had any,

like, other questions about stuff here,

my coworker really could use some help

right now. All right, hear me out. My

pinto bean brooch. Oh, my God.

Hello, this is How can I help?

Hello, this is Niles Standish calling.

I'm going to be a shopping centre Santa

Claus and I need some alterations on

a suit. Would that be something you could

handle?I should be, yeah. Now I've just

moved into town. I've left all my old

Santa gear behind. It was burned in an

incinerator. Want a fresh start?The clean

Santa suit. No stains or evidence

whatsoever. I'd like the belly

to be completely exposed, more like a

bare midriff. I... Wouldn't you want to

see jolly old Saint Nick's tummy really

shake when he giggles?Well,

you know, it depends on who you are. Yes,

I'm the Duke of Yankerville. Now, listen,

my suit will need a long front zipper

just in case a brawl breaks out. I don't

like to bloody up the suit. I'd rather

fisticuffs in the raw anyway. Hmm

What would be the thinnest fabric that

you could make the suit out of?You'd need

at least something the weight of a knit.

I want something as thin as a spray tan.

I don't think that really exists in terms

of fabric. There's visual effects that

are as thin as a spray tan. You know the

legend of Santa's surprise pocket?I

don't. It's a Dutch tradition where the

children would reach into Santa's pocket

and pull out a surprise. I want the

slit, but no pocket. Do you know what I

mean?I

don't. I love Christmas, but each

Christmas morn I like to throw open my

window and yell to the small children

downstairs to fetch me the Turkey down

the street and I'll give them half a

crown. Oh, I just had a client come in.

I got to hold on. Let me talk to him. Let

me talk to him for a moment. This is.

I'm a potential customer. How do you feel

they did with your order?

They did really well now.

Has been all over me since I called. Oh,

yeah. Now this between us. This between

us. She's insatiable and I love it. I

love it. OK, now describe her for

me, if you would. No, I'm going to pass.

I got some other stuff. No, no, no, noI

would do it in code. No, no, noWe'll do

it in code. We'll do it in code. Listen,

would you like to be an elf and come down

my chimney?

f*cking idiot.

Look at that.