05x03 - Sarah Silverman, Abbi Jacobson & Will Forte

[bunniefuu]

Come on, come on, 'cause we're having a

ball. We're just making some calls to

strangers. We're back on the

cell when the world's gone to hell.

But you're gonna feel swell when they

pick up from New York to Alabama

They'll probably won't throw our a*s in

the slam because we're disturbing others

Maybe even your mother wants to join the

Crank Yankers tonight Crank

Yankers!

Hi, this is . Can I help you?Hi, this is

Bobby. I was calling about signing up for

your dating service, looking to meet

someone. And how did you hear about us?

Some guy on the bus was I overheard him

talking. He had a red shirt. I don't know

if that helps. OK And then how old are

you?34. Yeah. So basically we're a

personal match picking service, so we

don't use any sort of computer or

gimmicks to do our matching. Yeah, that's

good. I don't even own a computer. Well,

I'm not. I'm not allowed to have one. But

anyway, so does that's that's even better

for me. Oh, you're not allowed to have

one?Yeah, it's a long story.

OK. And what is your marital status?

Something with the feds. The feds.

OK. And are you divorced or widowed?Yeah,

I'm single. Never been married. Never

been married. OK. So have you

ever been convicted of a felon?Well, I

don't know yet. There's a hearing, you

know, in a couple of weeks or whatever.

So not at the moment. I'm not. So my

lawyer said I should get off, right?

OK. And then So what I'll do now is I'm

going to pass information to our

matchmaker. And what is your phone number?

So I can have them get in contact with

you if we feel we have the type of women

in your age range that you're working.

Yeah, it's 480665.

I mean, I change my number every couple

of days, you know, cause thanks for

calling. I'm going to pass information

along to our matchmaker. But so how do I

do this though?They're going to contact

you. Well, OK, but what do?But do you

need to know stuff about me though?

No, you you shared enough with me. That's

all we need to know. I look, I just had

something with like, you know, animal

breeding or whatever. You know what I

mean?It's no big deal. I like horses and

you know, cause I'm a really, I'm a

really nice polite guy. Yeah, but I'm

gonna let you go. I do have another call

coming in. Thanks so much for your time.

OK.

This is how can I help you?Hi, this is

Bobby. We just talked on the phone. I I

don't think it was me, but I can help

you. OK, yeah, I'm looking to

get set up, you know, for your dating

service. I'm looking for someone really

nice and special.

No. So, OK, so I I she sits next to

me. So I heard her say to you that what

we're going to do, the next step is to

pass your information on long term

matchmakers for review. Right. I know.

But I didn't give her all the

information. You gave her enough. No, but

there was some other stuff. I'm sorry. I

don't know what you're talking about.

Well, she was trying to make me out. Out

like I was a criminal. I was just trying

to make a pony for my niece. It's

ill*gal horse breeding is what I was

doing. I don't need any of that

information. Let's move on. I like

church. I shave my chest. I mean, I

have nice calf muscles. What?I don't know

why that would be necessary information

for me to know. I'm 62. I have rocket

biceps. OK, tell me a little bit more

about what you're looking for. Yes, I

don't care if they're fat. It doesn't

matter to me. I mean, most guys. Don't

like that. I got no problem with that at

all. Why are you burping

into the phone?Where else am I going to

burp?OK, what's the age range of

women you're looking to meet?



to 82 year old women who want to meet men

in their 30s. We wouldn't be able to help

you. Well, do you have one that looks old?

I'll take that. No, that's probably why I

told you we have to chat. I'll take

whatever. Bobby, you need to stop calling

here. OK, we're finished talking now.

This isn't the service for you. You're

wasting my time. I just want to find

love. Can you blame me for that?We can't

help you. We cannot help you.

I'm cute. OK, so don't call back. I could

burp real good.

Welcome to. Hi there. I

wanted to make a reservation. OK.

I have a pretty severe p*nis

allergy and I need to make sure there

aren't any p*nis in any of the dishes

that you guys serve there. I

believe there actually is. So I know

there's. I know there's walnuts, but let

me double check on the peanuts. The last

time I ate a p*nis, my throat was sore

for a week. We have an Asian salad with

peanuts on it. You have

peanuts on your salad. OK, on that peanut

salad, is there also, is there any shrimp

on that?No.

OK, how big are the peanuts?Because the

bigger they are, the worse it gets. And

the shape honestly matters. Are the

peanuts hard?

Yes, they're not boiled soft penises.

No. Do you like peanuts?Yeah, I eat

p*nis. I I can suck on p*nis, but I can't

swallow them. And that's where the

issue's going to be. Because even a

little crushed up one that I accidentally

swallow, I could suck on that all day.

But if I swallow it, it's going to be, I

mean, we're going to have the ambulance

there and then it sneaks in and then I

and then how large is your party?My

party is just going to be two. It's just

me and my boyfriend. If there's a p*nis

salad, he's going to get it and he's

going to eat it right in front of me. He

loves peanuts and he's going to eat them

right in front of me. Loves those little

hard penises. Gobbles them down. Loves

peans. OK, I will ask

and pass them. I mean, I do love them and

I wish I could have them and I wish I

could swallow them and I wish I could

enjoy them. But it's just they they as

soon as they get them in my mouth, they

taste sour. So before I come in, you have

to throw out all the penises. OK,

I will have someone call you. Thank you.

Escape room. This is how may I help you?

Hi. I was looking to

kind of have a bunch of people play in

an escape room for my 30th birthday and I

was. Wondering if you had some rooms that

would fit that description. I've gone

through one of these situations a little

bit, so I wanted to make sure that it was

like super realistic. We have

some of the more realistic ones.

OK, perfect. Now do we come and park our

car and walk inside or do we like set

something up where we're at an ATM and a

van comes up and grabs us and puts a bag

over our head?Like how does it, how does

it work?You would park and come inside

and we bring our shoes and stuff and we

get those at the end or like do those get

those are gone now?You keep your shoes

on. Oh, I lived

in a 12 by 12 kind of,

I guess you call it like underneath the

stairwell. But that my captor didn't let

me wear my shoes. I was given

one paper towel. I had to use it as a

blanket, a shirt, and sometimes

food. Or will we be chained

together?No. Or will we be hit

with rocks or paddles?No. And are we

subterranean?No. So we don't have to

climb?No. What about crawling?Do we have

to crawl through any pipe?No.

There's no bathrooms, right?Of course

there's bathrooms here. We are a

business. No, I've not. And of course,

for like the employees and stuff, but

we'll have to use buckets. No, for the

customers as well. This isn't. I think

you're thinking we're something we're

not. So what kind of experience is it?Is

it more like a mental kind of thing where

you, like, tear us down?You tell us what

we're horrible at?No, you just fall

puzzles to escape a room. Oh, OK. Yeah,

that that sounds familiar. I'm trying to

recreate a special time in my life when I

was held c*ptive. That is not what a

business is. Do you guys supply the cake?

No. If you want a cake, you would have to

bring your own. Do you guys sing Happy

Birthday?No. Like right when we're

at our most messed up and we've been in

that room for so long and like some of

us have have formed relationships and

alliances and you are literally in

the room for an hour, so no. And how much

does it cost?$30 per person to

escape a room. That's

a good deal. It cost me most of my

relationships and my childhood.

Hello, this is Sue. How may I help you?

Hi, my name is Hadassah Guberman and

I would love to apply

for the job. Which job?The

job is labeling.

Envelopes. 12 cents an envelope, it

says. Yes. Let's see.

Oh, one thing that's kind of a stickler

for me is I just like it irks

me. Like I don't like to be told what to

do. So I just don't want to be bossed

around because I'm I'm strong and

independent. The

bathrooms need to be gender neutral. I

mean, I'm I identify as female, but my

p*nis is a them. I

don't know how that would work. Yeah,

when you walk out of the bathroom, there

is one male and female bathroom,

but there's not like a family restroom,

I don't think in the building. Well, that

would probably have to change.

Is it OK that I have herpes?I'm

riddled with herpes, but it's

self-contained. And it's only vaginal.

I mean, yeah, I mean, I guess I

probably wouldn't share that information.

It's more personal information. But

right. I guess I just wanted to tell you,

Susan, because, you know, if it was a

problem, I mean, I don't

care. Hey, when I'm doing the envelopes,

you know how some people, if they're

listening to music, they get more done

or whatever. I like to watch. Do you know

PornhubYeah, this, this calls a

little like, I'm thinking you might not

just be the right fit. Everyone in the

office could sign a contract that says

they won't listen to me go ploppers in

the bathroom because this is not cool.

Just letting you know. You know what?No,

you're so right. And I I just want to

apologize for everything and for wasting

your time. I'd love to sing you a song to

show how sorry I am.

Susan, I'm so sorry I

wasted your time. Nobody's

time should be wasted but mine.

I'm sorry I said ploppers to

you. You didn't deserve it. And

nobody

do do.

I'm sorry, Susan Pie. Oh

my God. That was an awesome song, by the

way. Oh, thank you so much. That's

fine. I'll have reach out to you.

And if he seems like it'll be a good fit,

then we'll bring you on. I'd love to work

side by side with you, Susan. Honestly,

at this point, I think it would be

a good time. It would be beshert.

I don't know what that means, but I will

look that up. OK. Take care, my love.

Can I help you?Hi. Yeah, I'm calling. I

I rented a car from you guys yesterday,

but I am actually calling

because the man

who assisted me, I felt

like there was

some vibes and I just,

I just wanted to call and see

maybe if I could, you know,

connect. Do you

remember?Helping me yesterday.

No, I don't, unfortunately. If it's you,

I'm going to go nuts. I don't know if it

was you. Yeah, I wasn't even working

yesterday. I mean, I kind of,

now that we're talking, I kind of wish

you were working yesterday. Do you

remember what they looked like?He was

really handsome, like kind of a dimple

on one side, OK?And I don't

remember seeing a wedding ring,

OK?Well, if you want to give me your

phone number, wait, would I be giving you

my phone number like for for

them?Yes. Or for you?

For them. We can talk in code if you if

we have to. Are there other people around

you can't really like tell me their story?

Possibly, yes. Say

escalator. If there's someone listening

and you can't say exactly what you want

to say, I'll. I got a couple other people

here. If you if you want to leave me your

phone number, I can more than happily

give it to to the person that make me

able to help you tomorrow. So you want my

number?Sure. Yes. You

do. Yes.

Escalator. You want it?OK.

Yes. All right. Get that pen

ready, baby.

Yay. OK. Ready. It's four.



Wait, someone's listening to me now.

Escalator. Yeah. No, I'm gonna be right

back. Uh-huhMy boss. He has such a

crush on me. Do you have that?Yeah.

All the time. All the time, right?It's

like, that's not cool. All right, well,

I got. I got a couple other customers

here. OK. Me too. OK. I'll transfer your

number tomorrow, OK?What was your first

name again?My name is Cheryl

Brandish. OK, Cheryl. And I'm also

available-ish. And I work at the

mattress. OK, You know the one.

There's like a Yeah, I know the. It

has an inflatable gorilla on the roof.

You kind of can't miss. It's the

flagship. Got it. What's your name again?

Carlos. Carlos. Keep k*lling

it. Escalator. All right.

Escalators. All right.

Say it, Carlos.

Escalator. I love you, too. OK.

Bye. Bye.

you all. Hey, how you doing?My name is

John Solomon. I was actually just in

there getting a a lube oil filter last

week. I am part of the Hamson Rye

Improv troupe. And while I was in the

waiting room, I I thought maybe I would

offer to you to have our troupe come down

and do some shows during the day to kind

of pass the time for the people who are

waiting there. And then it helps us

because it gets our name out there. I

don't know. I mean, that sounds kind of

weird if you ask me. OK. Have you ever

met a NASA engineer?A who?

NASA engineer. You're about to. Well,

hello, Houston. We got a problem up

there. Yeah, there's some things flying

around that satellite.

Hey, yeah, I was wondering if I could set

up an appointment there for later. What

time?3:30?OK. Well, I'm wondering,

is this one of those places that's fun to

be around, like, check it out, or is this

like one of those boring places?No

improv. What?Hi, it's

John Sullivan. I called you a little

while ago about the improv troupe. See,

that's the kind of stuff that you could

do. Your customers could be listening to

that. Wouldn't that be fun?No, that

sounds terrible. Oh, come on.

What?What are you selling me?I want to

come in there with my improv troupe,

entertain your customers. Hey, you

talking to me?It's Clint Eastwood. I got

a 10. office with five square feet of

room for you to entertain. And it's gonna

feel like 40 feet. I'll give you an A for

effort, 'cause you are entertaining. I'm

Arnold Schwarzenegger, and I could be

sitting right there next to one of your

customers and saying hello. I gotta get

back. But But it is-- No.

you oil. Hi, this is former President

William Jefferson Clinton.

Come on. Hey, I'm just calling back one

more time because I wanted to let you

know, and this is not to rub it in, but I

did call tire auto service centers and

we got a gig for Mondays. Are you the guy

with the Toyota Matrix?The silver one?You

Remember Me?I knew it. I said if it was

any of the customers, it had to be you.

Oh, my God, that's so rad. I can't

believe you Remember Me. Dude, you got to

come watch our watch us perform. You seem

like you're like on the fence and you

just need to get blown over. Where's your

gig?I'll consider coming and watching.

OK, great. Well, Monday 12:30 at the

Tire Auto Service Center. I work and

that's a competitor's shop, so that

wouldn't look good. OK, how about this?

I'll come in there and I'll give you a

bunch of Flyers. Is it OK if we put

Flyers up on your walls?Oh, you can bring

in Flyers, but don't give me one for

Tire. I'm Robin Williams now.

And now I'm Joni Mitchell.

Thank you for calling. This is Jess. How

can I help you?How you doing?I'm

not doing that great. I got a bit of a

situation. OK. I bought a pair

of skinny jeans from your place. I bought

the denim, and I took a nap in them,

and now I can't feel my legs. I'm sorry,

what?I'm like stabbing my leg

right now with a knife and I can't feel

it. What?I cannot feel my

legs. I think the jeans were too skinny.

Sorry. I tried to pull them down. How can

I help you?Should I try to rip it and

then make it a short set?Yeah. I mean,

that could always be a good look. Oh my

God, this is so weird. I didn't think

skinny jeans was this serious. f*ck

made my butt look so good. I'm going to

try again. f*ck my arm is in the

other leg. Your arms. What kind of pants

are those?It's the same f*cking pants. I

don't know. I'm so confused. Why did I

take a nap at these jeans?These jeans are

so tight. They won't come off. And then I

took one leg out. Now I got the arm stuck

in the shitNow my hand is coming through

the little hole part where the knee was

and I wave it and shitAnd it's too much.

Cut the pants. Cut the pants. You think I

should cut it?If you cut the pants, it's

only gonna run you about 80 bucks. 80

bucks. Just cut the pants. OK,

OK, I'm going to cut the pants. OK, I got

to crawl, though. I got to crawl to the

kitchen. I'm crawling. I'm

crawling. OK, now I got to wish to the

counter. This is some strong stuff. I'm

very strong. I work out every day. OK,

now I got the scissors. Cut it. Here we

go. Oh, shitI cut my leg. But

how could you feel it, though?I'm

assuming I'm hurt. I'm only making the

noises because it looks like... Oh, shitI

don't know what else I would think that

the best would be for you to contact the

ambulance or your physician or... Could

you just pray for me?I think you're an

incredible person. I would love to meet

you. I hope you make it. Be

strong. Thank you!

Look at that.