05x02 - Jimmy Kimmel, Kathy Griffin & Jeff Ross

[bunniefuu]

You're gonna feel swell when they

pick up From New York to

Alabama They'll

probably want to throw our a*s in the

slam Because we're disturbing others

Maybe even your mother won't you try to

crank Yankers tonight Crank

Yankers!

Hello. I was just calling to make a

complaint in my neighborhood.

OK, Who is this?My name is Shasta.

Uh-huhThere is a

white guy walking around in my

neighborhood. He's wearing

Crocs. OK, where?

He's whistling Aerosmith songs. OK,

now, who told you to call me?You're on a

list for the neighborhood watch. Yeah,

right now I'm out of Commission. He's

drinking Jamba Juice.

Have there been any other reports of

white people in this neighborhood?No. I

mean, we got white people in the

neighborhood. I mean, we can't, you know,

discriminate against that cause, you

know, by people. I don't know what it's

like. He just walk in the neighborhood.

It's just very frustrating to me. You

know, it's surprising. He's eating a man

egg sandwich. Ma'am, I I

need him to come get him. I can't. I'm a

citizen just like you are. Me and you

should run up on his assNo, ma'am. I'm

not. I'm not. I'm not running up on

nobody. The next thing you know, he's

just going to be listening to Dave

Matthews band or some damn Steve Miller

band. Like what music you listen to?If

you need to call the police, then call

the police. We need to fight for it. The

next thing you know, the the bodega going

to be selling the Tontino's pizza rolls

and bagels. Oh, all we can do is

just like I say, we chatting. I

understand.

I just don't like what he wearing. Ma'am,

I can't help you if you're going to keep

complaining on the phone and we can't

get through. Now he's yelling. Does

anybody have kombucha?What the hell is

kombucha?Before you know it, all our nice

concrete ground going to be grass and he

going to be out here just just k*lling

golf ba*ls. I'm sorry. I'm parallel. I

can't help you. Have you ever been with a

white guy?What that got to do with it,

ma'am?What that got to do with it?Because

I need to know whose side you on in this

matter. I can't help you. I'm sorry. So

I'm sorry. You need to either call the

police. If I can't call them for you or

get someone over there. It's like

Connecticut up in here. Cut off your

ponytail. Who told you to call me?Oh, my

God. He's. Oh, Lord, he's opening a yoga

studio.

Listen, I came down there a little bit

ago and I think you guys sold me the

wrong thing because

I ain't the same from when I came in, you

know what I'm saying?I came down there to

buy a vape pen, correct?Are you with me

so far?Yes. And I came home and I smoked

a damn vape pen. And ever since then,

I've been doing stuff that's weird. Ohh

My voice is different. All of a sudden, I

sound like an assholeI've

never heard of that. Do you know what

it's like to wake up and realize that you

have changed?I mean... To

realize that the day before, you were a

family man with a beautiful wife and

three children, and then the next day...

You a as*h*le named Dr. p*nis, who seems

to have cut all the sleeves off of his

shirt and tied them into a loop?For

no reason?I don't know, man. I

can't stop listening to dubstep. I'm all

of a sudden, I'm flossing. I got a tiny

backpack. I got pink dreadlocks,

green dreadlocks, purple dreadlocks. Make

no sense. I missed the birth of my

son. Oh. Because I was at home watching

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, the movie.

You got a rock climbing place next door?

Yes. I somehow ended up on the roof of

that thing. I should not be able to do

that thing. I'm not a Spider-Man. But

yeah, like, what is this about?I came

to your store and I bought a vape pen. I

smoked the sh*t out of it. When I got

home, I started doing crazy things.

Before I came into your place, my name

was Daniel Sharon. After I left your

place, everyone started calling me Doctor

p*nis. I sound weird. And now all of a

sudden I got geese in my house.

I joined the band Bell Biv DeVoe and then

quit instantly. That don't make no sense.

Can you explain to me that?Can you

explain to me why I got a tattoo of Bib

Fortuna, the translator from Jabba the

Hut scene and Return of the Jetty?Why I

got the full back tattoo of that?Why

would I do such a thing?Because I came in

there and I smoked your vape pan and it

made me crazy. It made me a weirdie.

Yeah, I think you might have been crazy

before that. I think you might have been

crazy before you just said that, because

if you were, you would not have. I had a

nine to five job before I came into your

place with that vape pen. All of a sudden

I'm 700 lbs. I'm 3 inches shorter

and my hands are where my feet used to

be. I tried to use a fork the other day

and I almost took my eye out because I

was using my feet. I didn't remember

using my hands and it scared me. I

I I don't know, bro. I'm scared. Don't

act so nonchalant. Excellent.

Um, just like, chill out, I guess.

Oh, just OK. OK, hold on. Let me just let

me just do that. OK, now I better. Guess

what?It didn't work. You didn't, like,

successfully, like, try to chill out,

man. You gotta, like, sit. You know what,

though?I'm not even going to call you out

on that one. You are right. I was being

sarcastic, so I'm trying to calm down.

OK, breathe in. OK. Thank you.

Then breathe out. OK. Then breathe in

again. Oh,

man. I think I might be normalizing now.

Yeah, I'm feeling a lot better. I'm

thinking about, like, my taxes and stuff.

Oh, man, I have to call my assistant. I

have to be in court in 1/2 an hour. I'm a

judge. Oh, boy. How am I gonna get?I have

to. Hey, do you know a number of a tattoo

removal place?I have three doctor p*nis

tattoos I need to get removed in the next

half an hour. Oh, God. OK. Oh, hold on

one second. My wife has called me. Yeah.

No, I'm better now, honey. Yeah.

No, you can call me Dan again. No, I no,

no, not Doctor p*nis anymore. Sorry. I

love you. OK, so

this feels extremely one sided.

All right, I'm going to hang up now. All

right, man, take care.

Good afternoon. Hello.

HelloHello, darling.

Hello. Who are you?My name is Elmer and

I'm calling about your products.

So, what would you like to know about our

products?I'm calling to thank you people.

Okay, for... For giving me the

freedom to live my life again

as a man. I bought

someone else diapers from you people,

like a baby wears. And you have your

freedom again. I could go anywhere

I need to. I used to have to go in a

can under my chair,

and now I can go anywhere I need to.

Well, I'm glad we were able to help you.

You did help me, darling. You

saved my life. Thank you for that.

OK, I'll pass that. Because this is the

beautiful products that you people make

over there. And I sleep in them

and I change them once a week. Mm-hmm

What a wonderful gift.

What a wonderful gift. Because I can make

a BM wherever I go. Well, thank you for

calling. I'll let our owners know that.

What's your owner's name?Uh, John.

Your owner's named after her bathroom, huh

That's funny.

In my day, we used to say you

have to go to the John. And then these

fellas were named John. And I always

thought, turtle it. Whenever I hear the

name John, I'd think, turtle it.

And now whenever I have to go to the

toilet, I make a big

brown beautiful doodie in my pants.

I could do it when I'm eating, when I'm

walking. I'm thinking about

going to the movies and doing it. Well,

good for you. I'm so happy

because I'm making beautiful bowel

movements. I want to show you what I

made. But I'm going to have to go. I've

got to take care of another customer.

Well, who is that?Wait a minute. Hold on

a second here. I'm making one right now.

Hold on. Can you hear it?

Aquarium, this is Alexis. How can I help

you?Alexis, hi, my name is Miss Francine

Johnson from the Christian Corners

Learning Center and we had a field

trip to your wonderful facility and I

just had a few follow-up questions, if

that's OK. OK, what is your

question?Well, I asked my

class to make drawings reflecting their

experience about visiting the

aquarium. And

gosh, I'm just going to come out with it.

Almost all of them drew something

inappropriate. Apparently half of the

kids witnessed a sea lion

fornicating. With what looked to

be a a dead fish.

Oh, and I was wondering, how do you, how

do you folks typically handle this?Right.

That's that is interesting because I

will tell you that's not something I've

seen in the years that I've worked here.

Let's see, maybe even just a simple sign.

Our aquatic sea life are registered sex

offenders because the kids feel like

that's what they witnessed, right?I think

they they usually refer to

those kinds of things as just like

general mating. I've never actually,

I never, I I don't believe to my

knowledge that there's any signs talking

about the animals fornicating or

anything. I thought, you know, if you can

prove you're a teacher, you're you're

allowed to pull the curtain, an emergency

teacher curtain in case anything

inappropriate or fornication is happening

with these this wonderful sea life. Oh,

wow. Yeah, that's interesting. And the

kids are worried. I mean, they loved

seeing all the mammals, et cetera. But

then all of a sudden they had all these

questions. Are they going to heaven or

hell, Miss Johnson?Right. I would

definitely say that those would be

questions for either Sally or Jeff,

because they're going to know, like, the

correct terms as far as, like, for

educational purposes. So they'll probably

be able to come up with a better answer

than I could. You know, maybe ask Sally

or Jeff just for some, like, really basic

informational signs that just explain,

like, just because these animals are

having sex doesn't mean it's OK.

All righty. Well, and are animals

aware of what God will most certainly do

to them if they were to continue this

behavior in the eyes of the Lord?You

know, when these animals move on, as we

say, yeah, I I definitely have to say

this is one of the most interesting phone

calls I've ever taken for the

aquarium regarding a school group. But

I will pass all of this along to Sally

and Jeff and let them know that you're

kind of looking for a way to explain to

the kids all of this. Oh, that'd be great

cause I got quite a mess to clean up. But

you know, you got to laugh. Thank you so

much for your help and I really

appreciate it. Yeah, you're welcome. Have

a great day. You too. Bye. Bye. Thanks.

Bye.

May I help you?Hey, I'm supposed to pick

up my stepson from school, but I'm not

going to be able to make it. Oh, OK.

Who's your stepson?That is a good

question. I'm sorry. I me and his dad got

married like a week ago. I can't remember

his name. I know it's a T It's like,

is there a Tom?Well, I don't

think we have a Tom here, but we have

like 400 students. What?

What's dad's name?Oh sh*t

You know, it's possible that that dad

gave me a fake name cause like we've only

been married for like 10 days and I don't

even know if it's legal. OK, it's a long

story, but the kid has his mom's last

name. I'm just trying to figure out how

to if I don't know the child's name.

It's not Toby, 'cause I I would not marry

a guy who had a son named Toby. That's

like the worst name. Tim, do you

know what grade he's in?He's. Is he in

first?It's either first or fourth. I know

it's like AF. What's like the grade when

they're most annoying?Well, that

could be. Any grade, 4th

or 5th, actually. He has like

blackish brown hair. He likes pizza.

Well, you're you're describing pretty

much every kid. He's ethnically

ambiguous. Does that help?No. We have

a big diversity here.

Can dad call me?He's he's at the gym.

It's leg day. So it's just like he's kind

of like. I I need more

information and I need to. I need to

know. I I have to have more information.

I also like ate a bunch of edibles too.

So I'm like kind of freaking out. So it

probably wouldn't be good for me to

drive. Yeah. I mean, if you text

dad, can he call before school's not

over till 3:30?I could be there by like



last call?No, you. I mean, yeah,

school is out at. At 3:30.

So kids have to be picked up at 3:30.

Maybe you could get on the PA and

announce that there's a mom who can't

remember their stepson's name. And then

no, I really can't do that. You

can't or you won't. Would you like to

talk with one of our principals?You can't

or you won't. I do not have the authority

to call over the PA and out of 400

kids, have every kid come up here. No,

you can't or you

won't.

Good evening. Hi, it's the Roastmaster

General. You're on the air. How you doing

today?Good. And yourself?

I'm so good. I love your pub. It's my

favorite, favorite British pub of all

time. Wonderful. Good to be here. When I

eat there, I like to save time and throw

the food straight into the toilet.

Oh, Congrats on the new royal baby.

I didn't have a royal baby, did you?At

least now there's someone to share

diapers with the queen, right?

OK, how about this one?

Here's a good one. You ready?Can I give

you to Jack real quick?Because I'm

actually in the middle of serving some

customers this far. They'll wait. They

have no teeth anyway. Hello. Is

there something I can help you with?

Hello, Jack. This is Jeff. You know

about Brexit, right?Yeah. Oh,

that was, that was, I think, in my

opinion, a foolish idea. Yeah.

Well, Brexit is also what happens after

I've had a bite of your Shepherd's pie. I

Brexit my pants. Oh,

God. Yeah, the Shepherd's pie is good.

Your beer is just like London. It's

expensive and no one likes it. Oh

no, everyone loves London. That's

complete bullshitOK, if there's nothing

else that I can help you with apart from

stories about how much you don't like,

then I am going to put down these. You're

not getting it. I only roast the ones I

love. OK, your menu should be

a list of side effects.

OK, I'm going to put the phone

down. Wait, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Is there a doctor in the house?Because

clearly there's no dentist. Am I right?

Hello. Can I help you?This is Niles

Standish calling. OK. I love

your chaps. I love your chaps. They're

the nicest I've seen. OK.

Tell me everything about those delicious

batwing chaps. Every the leather, the

stitching, how they feel on the skin,

everything. Well, I have. I'm looking at

two pair right now. One, they're

both probably about the same age. Hello.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Giles, hang up the

phone. Hang up the phone. Who are you

speaking with?Giles, I'm doing a business

transaction right now. I'm. I'm buying

some battling chaps. I want to buy the

chaps. Hang up the. That's my twin

brother, Giles. I'm sorry. OK, Giles,

I'm buying these chaps. All right.

They're for our Western collection. Hang

up the telly. I'm buying the chaps.

They're my chaps. All right. Go on, Jeb.

Tell me about them. Well, they're

these are Fred Miller's 19.

Actually, it's marked 1950s. These are



seems quite reasonable. I'll give you

more money. I'll give you a Giles. This

is not a bidding w*r. I'll pay full

price. I'll give you a pocket pie. Giles,

stop it. We're going to share the chaps.

Can you just let Giles know that he could

use the chaps every Cowboy

Wednesday?Yeah, whatever he said is fine

with me. Jib, Jib, Jib, I'm going to come

into the store and buy them myself, but I

don't want you to sell them to my brother

Niles. OK, fine. That'll work.

We're open. We're open till 5:30.

Can I give you?Can I give you his credit

card number now?No, no, noWe don't take

credit cards over the phone. I have

DIBLS. I have DIBLS. Giles, give me that

to. Did he tell you he had DIBLS?I will

put them on a 24 hour hold for you if

you'll give me your full name and phone

number. Absolutely. But let me tell you

this, Giles does not have dibbles. All

right?I don't care if Giles has dibbles

or not. It doesn't matter to me. Well,

that's very professional of you. Get back

in your box, Giles. I sent. I sent.

Get in the box. You better believe he'll

get in the box. Sir, it doesn't matter to

me. I'm busy. I need to go. So a

name and a phone number. My name.

Is Niles. Giles. Niles.

Giles. I'm. I'm sorry, Jeb. Giles

in the box. You get in the box. All

right, fine. I'll get in the box. Hold on

a second. Just get in the box. Come

on, both of us in the box. Put your shirt

back on, Giles. I can. Giles, I'm being

pooped by your rigid spine. Sir, phone

number. I need to go. Are you with me,

Jeb?I'm sorry, but this box. This box is

not built for two. Giles, get your hand

out of there. You're my puppet now.

I'm your puppet. You're my puppet. We're

both puppets. Let's play puppet with each

other. All right. Goodbye, Sir.

Would you like to play puppet with us?