03x04 - The Good Samaritans

[bunniefuu]

[theme music]

There you are.

Good Lord.

Yes, well, I know it's not exactly five star, Mr. Gray,

but it is rather short notice.

As a matter of fact, I don't usually let

rooms this time of the night.

There's water running down the walls.

What'd you expect, champagne?

Yes, you may find the odd rivulet,

but that's just mild condensation.

Just-- just don't lean against the wallpaper

unless you want to be covered in regency stripes.

Don't think I'm complaining, Mr. Rigsby.

It's just that I have been used to better things.

Well, have you?

Hope I'm not going to regret this.

Hey, hey.

You weren't thinking of putting your shoes out, were you?

- Why, no. - No, good.

Because the last chap who tried that found

them replaced by a pair of well-worn tennis shoes.

This isn't the Ritz, you know.

Oh, you don't have to tell me that, Rigsby.

I have been there.

In fact, you might find it hard to believe,

but you're looking at a man who, in his time,

has reached the heights.

I have drunk champagne at Claridge's.

I've eaten oysters at the Savoy.

I've mixed with the fashionable and the famous.

And now I'm reduced to this.

I think I've finally touched rock bottom, Rigsby.

You haven't seen the basement.

No, he has got problems.

He's got loose-fitting windows.

Wakes up every autumn covered in dead leaves.

I only want the room for tonight.

And then-- and then I'll be on my way.

Now, if you'll excuse me, only I want to write

a few letters before I go.

You-- [stammering] you're thinking of taking a trip,

then, are you?

Yes.

I'm getting out once and for all, Rigsby.

Oh, emigrate, you know.

Yes, I don't blame you.

Hey, where are you going?

I'm not quite sure.

Not yet.

Well, you're leaving it a bit late, aren't you?

Somewhere warm, I suppose.

I hope it won't be too warm.

Good night, Rigsby.

What's the matter, Rigsby?

It's that new bloke.

I've just been talking to him.

He's emigrating.

At least I think he's emigrating.

Why does everyone want to emigrate?

I won't go.

They wouldn't have you.

Of course they would, with my special skills.

Your special-- since when is the ability

to lie on your back and blow smoke

rings been a special skill?

Look, when I'm qualified, I could

emigrate anywhere in the world.

Don't you worry, mate.

When you start cutting people up, we'll all be emigrating.

I won't.

I think that in a time of crisis,

I should put my talents at the disposal of the nation.

I shall stay.

Oh, no, no.

Thank you very much.

No, we got enough Bolsheviks in the health service as it is.

It's the private patients I feel sorry for.

They're already getting cold rice pudding

and having to wait for their bottles.

No they're not, Rigsby.

They get the same treatment as everyone else.

Oh, yes, then why do you let their dahlias wither?

They're always having to wait for water for their flowers.

And what happens if they complain?

They find you're old in a union meeting over their appendix.

I don't blame him going, mate.

I wish I was younger.

Where is he going?

Well, he-- he didn't say.

He didn't seem to know.

It was-- he was very depressed.

It's rather strange, really.

Well, it's not strange.

Everyone gets depressed when they see that room.

He was depressed before that.

No, he said-- he said, I'm not bothered about my surroundings.

I tell you something else, too.

He had no luggage.

You think if he was emigrating, he'd have some luggage,

wouldn't you? - I agree.

That's strange.

What did he say?

He said, I'm--

I'm going out once and for all.

And then he said he was gonna write a few farewell notes.

Hey, Rigsby, you don't think he's

gonna do something desperate, dear?

What do you mean?

Well, you know.

Course not.

What you have to look on the grisly side for?

Anyway, I've just shampooed the carpet in there.

Who's the new man across the hall?

Oh, Gray.

He's just arrived.

Why?

I've just lent him my razor.

Ah-- huh?

Oh, no.

No, I daren't.

I don't know what I might find.

What's the matter, Rigsby?

He thinks Gray's gonna hand in his rent book.

Will you stop doing that?

Oh, I shouldn't worry, Rigsby.

He didn't look the type.

Oh, they never do.

The last one didn't.

He was very quiet, he was, till he went up

on the roof in his underpants.

Spent a whole afternoon up there blaming the labor government.

Yes, we had to send for the vicar.

Spoke to him for three hours through a megaphone.

Saved his life, mind you.

What, do you mean he managed to talk him down?

No, no, no. He still jumped.

Then how did he save his life?

He landed on the vicar.

Mind you, he had a grievance.

He was self-employed.

Yes, I think it was the VAT that did him, that

and the National Insurance.

Mind you, if things go on like this, we'll all be at it.

He'll have a job to find a ledge.

Things aren't that bad, Rigsby.

Of course they are.

You won't be able to walk through the streets

without the self-employed dropping on you.

Well, what are you going to do about it, Rigsby?

You can't completely ignore the situation.

Yeah, no man is an island, Rigsby.

I wish you were--

somewhere off the North Sea, preferably.

Alan's right, Rigsby.

Ask not for whom the bell tolls.

It tolls for thee.

Well, it's not my fault. Don't blame me.

I didn't lend him the razor.

Oh, he won't use that, Rigsby.

RIGSBY: How do you know?

It's electric.

Why didn't you just say something?

Oh, very funny.

I'm gonna see how he's getting on anyway.

[razor buzzing]

Oh!

Hello, Mr. Gray.

Oh, having a shave?

Yes.

There's no point in letting myself

go just because the whole world is against me.

Of course. Now, that's the spirit.

Would you like some of my aftershave?

No, thank you.

It's that stuff that's supposed to drive women wild.

- No, I don't think so. - No, it's all right.

It's not effeminate, I can promise you.

Quite safe in the changing room.

Boxers use it.

Masculine with just a hint of sensuality.

You slap some of that on, you get

down to a certain little nightspot I know,

they'll be around you like flies around a jam jar.

Don't talk to me about women, Rigsby!

It was a woman who brought me to this!

Before I met her, I had a successful business

and a contented marriage.

She took me for every penny.

I should have seen through her, but I was a fool.

Now I'm broken.

She's left me.

What have you got to say to that?

Well, I can see 1977 hasn't been your year.

But cheer up.

Things are bound to get better.

I mean, you're sprucing yourself up.

Things can't be too bad if you-- you've-- got

pride in your appearance.

Yes.

Well, I-- I must prepare for my journey.

All right.

You don't think there'll be time in the morning, then?

No.

I think that will be most unlikely, Rigsby.

Would you-- would you--

would you excuse me?

I'll be-- I won't be a minute. Don't move.

I'll be back.

[oven roars]

[screams]

Oh!

Mr. Rigsby, I wish you'd get someone to look at that cooker.

Yes, well, I have rung them, Ms. Jones.

It keeps exploding.

Yes, they said they'd send someone

round as soon as possible.

Well, I hope I can survive until he gets here.

My pastry doesn't rise anymore, Mr. Rigsby.

It disintegrates.

And yesterday, I was covered in cake mix.

I'm sorry, Ms. Jones, but I do have

a little more to worry about at the moment than domestic trivia.

What's the matter, Mr. Rigsby?

You look quite pale.

Yes, yes, it's the-- it's the new tenant, Ms. Jones, Mr. Gray.

He-- he doesn't seem to be quite himself, whatever that is.

And I wonder if you could possibly have a word with him.

I thought perhaps the soothing balm of a woman's voice.

Well, of course, Mr. Rigsby.

What seems to be the trouble?

Well, not to put too fine a point on it, Ms. Jones,

I think he's contemplating suicide.

Oh!

Shouldn't we send for someone?

Who'd you suggest, Ms. Jones?

What about the vicar?

Hmm.

He wasn't very successful last time.

Well, at least he broke his fall.

I thought that was a very Christian thing to do.

Yes, yes.

I don't think he meant to, though, Ms. Jones.

And we did have some very un-Christian language

afterwards, if you remember.

No, I think it does require the feminine touch, Ms. Jones.

You see, his wife's left him and he's

all bitter and disillusioned.

Oh, poor man.

RIGSBY: Yes.

He must feel terrible.

What can I say?

Well, how did you feel when your wife left you, Mr. Rigsby?

Elated.

We must show him that there are people who care.

Yes, yes.

We must persuade him that life can still be wonderful.

Absolutely.

That it isn't all gloom and despondency.

That's right, Ms. Jones.

Don't forget to mention North Sea oil.

[knocking]

Mr. Gray?

Hello, I'm Ms. Jones.

I live downstairs.

I was wondering how you were settling in.

That's very kind of you, Ms. Jones.

Would you like a cup of tea?

Oh, thank you.

Shall I?

Actually, there's not much point in my settling in.

I won't be here for very long.

Oh, it's not so bad, Mr. Gray.

You should see it in the daytime.

This room gets quite a lot of sun.

You'll notice the extra charge for it in the rent book.

And the air up here is very fresh and invigorating.

Yes, we do seem very high up.

Oh, yes, there's nothing between us and the Urals.

Quite a nasty drop from this window.

Oh, I should say so.

We're directly above the compost heap--

what you might call a sticky end.

But don't let's dwell on such things, Mr. Gray.

Life can be such an adventure, don't you agree?

It's the simple things--

the fragrance of a garden after a summer shower,

raindrops dripping like diamonds from the leaves,

birds frolicking in the sweet-smelling earth.

Do you know, I have a friendly robin who comes to my window

every morning to greet me.

I had a friendly robin once.

It used to come and sit on the spade in my garden

and chatter all day long.

Chatter, chatter, chatter.

How lovely.

Didn't that make you feel happier?

Not really.

The cat got it.

Never mind.

Don't dwell on it, Mr. Gray.

There's too much gloom and despondency around.

Remember, it's always darkest before--

what's that?

Hmm?

I was just going to hang out my drip dry.

Oh.

Mr. Gray, I hope you don't think I'm intruding,

but Mr. Rigsby told me about your misfortune.

And if there's anything I can do--

What can anyone do?

My wife's left me.

My business is in ruins.

Debts everywhere.

Yes, I know it seems a bad start to the year,

but every cloud has a silver lining.

Not this one.

All she was was after my money.

She was attractive, and I was flattered.

My wife warned me, but I wouldn't listen.

Oh, go on.

Go on.

I spent money like there was no tomorrow.

I must have been insane.

When the money was gone, so was she, and so was my wife.

I lost everything.

What made me do it?

Just look at this picture, Ms. Jones.

Just look.

Look at her.

Tell me, Ms. Jones, what made me do it?

Oh, yes, I can see it all, the hardness

around the eyes and those cruel lines around the mouth.

A real gold digger.

You're better off without her, Mr. Gray.

That's my wife, Ms. Jones.

What?

Oh, yes, she looks very nice--

[shouts]

Ah!

Mr. Rigsby!

Oh, thank you, Ms. Jones.

I'm parched.

No, no, no, no!

Now, Mr. Gray, how are you--

Oh, Mr. Rigsby.

Was that cyanide?

No, Ms. Jones, saccharin.

Well, has he done it yet?

No, but he's working himself up to it, I can tell.

Why don't you ring the police?

How can I ring the police?

I've got no proof, have I?

Anyway, I've rung the Samaritans.

The Samaritans?

Hey, that's a good idea.

We should have done that before.

They're very good.

Always standing by day and night for souls in distress.

What did they say?

Nothing.

They were out.

Apparently, they found a wooden leg

down by the suspension bridge.

A wooden leg?

Yes, there was a note tied to it saying,

"Farewell, cruel world."

So they're all out looking for the owner.

They said they'd send someone as soon as possible.

So what we've got to do is to keep him

occupied till they get here.

How?

Well, I've--

I've asked him in to meet you two.

All right?

What for?

I don't know what all the fuss is about.

He's only trying to draw attention to himself.

No, look, if all he was trying to do

is draw attention to himself, he could have got a tie

that lights up, couldn't he?

Just trying to get preferential treatment,

that's all.

Eh, preferential.

The only preferential treatment he's gonna get

is a free ride in the ambulance.

Rigsby's right, Alan.

This could be a cry for help.

We should make him feel welcome.

Perhaps a drink.

Yes, yes, but not too much of the jungle juice.

We don't want to push him over the edge.

No, we've just gotta-- we've just gotta cheer him up.

That's the main thing.

You better leave that to me.

What, you, Rigsby?

Yes, I've always been able to look on the bright side.

We've had hard times before, you know.

I was at my best during the Depression.

I'm not surprised.

You've always depressed me.

When have you ever looked on the bright side, Rigsby?

You've been predicting the return of the Ice

Age for the last two years.

It'll come, don't you worry.

Unless the radiation gets us first.

What radiation?

The radiation brought about by all the ultraviolet

caused by the underarm spray you've

punched through the atmosphere.

That's what radiation.

At least I don't smell of old socks, Rigsby.

RIGSBY: Oh, yes.

Oh, there you are, Mr. Gray.

Come in.

Come in.

Don't hang around in the hall.

I'd like you to meet my two boys.

Here they are.

Alan and Philip.

Hope I'm not intruding.

Not at all, Mister.

Sit down.

Philip, why don't you get Mr. Gray a drink?

Yes, Philip's got this agreeable little wine from home.

Yes, we're all one big happy family here, aren't we, Alan?

- Well-- - Huh?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yes, yes, yes.

That's it.

Thank you, Philip.

There we are.

Yes, I'm like a father to these two.

They could be my own.

Well, almost.

I-- I do appreciate this, Mr. Rigsby.

I must confess, I'm at a low ebb at the moment.

Yes, of course.

Yes, of course.

Yes, first night in a strange place.

That's why we're extending the warm hand of friendship.

Yes.

Yes, Alan, why don't you give Mr.

Gray one of your nice biscuits?

Oh, yeah, of course.

Obviously taken a fancy to you.

He doesn't offer his custard creams to everyone.

It's nice to be in such a warm, friendly atmosphere.

I'd almost given up hope.

You mustn't do that, Mr. Gray.

They won't be in forever.

I beg your pardon.

The labor government.

What's wrong with the labor government?

What's wrong with--

bunch of reds, that's what's wrong with them.

Eh, Mr. Gray?

You don't know what you're talking.

What you got against communists anyway?

He's never forgiven them for winning

all the medals at the Olympics.

Yeah, of course, they won.

Of course, they won all the medals.

You know, why, don't you?

Because they were pumped full of steroids, that's why.

That's what they give to cattle.

They shouldn't have given them medals.

You should have pinned blue rosettes behind their ears.

Trust you to come out with that old excuse, Rigsby.

The reason they won all the medals

was because they trained harder and they had better coaching.

They don't need coaching.

All you gotta do is whisper the magic word "Siberia"

in their ears.

They're off like the wind.

Well, at least they've got a better political system

than what we have.

Better political-- you hear that, Mr. Gray?

No wonder you're emigrating, eh?

No wonder you're leaving this sinking ship.

Look, it's talk like that that's ruining this country.

We're not a sinking ship.

Of course, we're sinking.

This country gets more like the boiler

room of the Titanic every day.

Confused orders on the bridge, water swirling round our ankles.

The only difference is they had a band.

Well, if you're so fed up, why don't you emigrate?

Oh, don't you worry me.

Don't think I haven't thought about it.

I was very nearly part of the brain drain.

Oh, yes, I went down to Australia House.

They wouldn't have you.

What do you mean, they wouldn't have me?

No, they wouldn't have you, Rigsby.

They wouldn't have you when they were taking them

with chains round their ankles.

How dare you--

He's gone.

Now look what you've done.

Why can't you have a political argument

without losing your temper?

Now that's not the way, is it, old girl?

I beg your pardon?

Have you stopped to think what you're doing?

What a waste of life it could be.

You've certainly taken your time.

I could have k*lled myself waiting for you.

Unfortunately, I've only just received the message.

Well, isn't that typical?

I wouldn't mind, but this isn't the first time.

You mean, this has happened before?

Oh, yes, it always happens.

Always at meal times and usually when I have visitors.

I end up with my head in the gas oven

while they eat cold rice pudding.

Goodness, I had no idea.

I can see this is a serious case.

Look, I-- I want you to tell me all about it.

I'm-- I'm prepared to talk all night if necessary.

Do you do this with everyone?

Oh, yes.

No wonder you're a long time getting round.

Before I can help you, I have to know all about you.

Cheeky.

That's better.

You smile.

You have a beautiful smile.

You should do it more often.

Now then, life's not so bad, is it?

Well, it's certainly looking up at the moment.

Do you-- do you mind if I smoke?

No, I love a pipe.

Do you know, you remind me of the man who converted me.

Ah, a crisis of faith?

No, no, North Sea Gas.

He had this gray curl that dangled just over his forehead.

He came to change my elements.

He stayed all day, smoked 20 cigarettes,

and taught me how to play nine card brag.

I see.

Tell me, do you think that you're on your own a bit

too much?

Well, now you mention it, I'm not doing

a great deal at the moment.

I think you should get out a bit more.

What about next Tuesday?

You know, about your little trouble,

perhaps you ought to give me all the symptoms.

I think I've got a leak.

What?

Yes, I, I experience a drop in pressure

and then everything goes soggy.

Have you seen the doctor?

No, I don't think a doctor would know

anything about gas cookers.

Gas cookers?

I've not come here about gas cookers.

No, I didn't think you had, you monkey.

I'm a Samaritan.

Well, you're certainly doing me a good turn.

Look, I was summoned here on a matter of life and death.

Oh, that would be Mr. Rigsby.

I shouldn't bother.

I think he's exaggerating the whole thing.

There's no hurry.

Mr. Rigsby.

Oh, I do beg your pardon.

I'm so sorry.

Now-- now I see.

If you'll excuse me, I think perhaps I'd better check.

Mr. Gray?

Mr-- hmm.

[gasps] Oh, my God!

Mr. Rigsby?

Yes, who are you?

I'm from the Samaritans.

Oh, well, you've certainly taken your time getting here.

Yes, well, we have been rather busy.

A man's just thrown himself into the canal.

Fortunately, there was only two foot of water,

but he cut his leg on a pram.

Well, now you're here.

What are you going to do?

Well, first of all, I want you to relax.

Huh?

Lose that wild look around the eyes.

It's not going to solve anything, Mr. Rigsby.

It's not me, you great pudding.

I was ringing on behalf of a friend.

Yes, yes.

Well, we often get that.

Tell me, what seems to be the trouble with your friend?

Well, his wife's left him and he's gone broke.

That's very sad.

Of course it is, when you lose all your money.

I was thinking of his wife.

RIGSBY: Oh.

Tell me, where's--

where's your wife?

She's left me.

What's that got to do with it?

And doesn't that sadden you?

What, you think she might come back?

No, no. Come on.

Come on.

Now you're here, help me to do something.

He must be here somewhere.

The window!

No, no!

Don't do it, Mr. Rigsby!

Get off.

It's not me.

Hey, what's all the din about?

Keep him away from the window.

Keep him away from the window.

I'll-- I'll get some assistance.

What's the matter with him?

Let go of me.

He's round the twist.

No wonder the suicide rate's going up.

Mr. Rigsby, I thought you ought to know.

I've just found Mr. Gray.

Oh, thank heavens for that, Ms. Jones.

Where is he? MS. JONES: Up on the roof.

What? Oh, my God.

What's he doing up there?

He's not waiting for the last bus, is he?

What should we do?

There's only one thing we can do--

climb out there and get him.

Oh, Philip, how heroic.

Do be careful.

Hey, no, no, wait.

Now, just-- just a minute. Just a minute.

This is gonna be a bit more difficult than shinning

up a coconut tree, you know.

You better leave this to me.

I will use this.

Mr. Rigsby, are you going to be all right?

That's all right, Ms. Jones.

I've done this before, and under fire.

But Mr. Rigsby--

All right, I'll be up there like a rat up a drainpipe.

Hey, take that.

What do I do with it?

Tie it around your waist.

What if you slip?

If I slip, you'll be on the other end.

That's the point.

Hey, Rigsby, I'm--

I'm not ending up in the cucumber.

Don't be silly. Don't be silly.

Now, you stick with me, Philip.

You stick close to me.

Whatever you do, don't look down.

Oh!

It's Hillary and Tenzing all over again.

Mr. Gray, what are you doing up there?

Oh-- go away, Rigsby.

Leave me alone.

Now, now.

Come on, come on, come on.

Can't we talk this over?

I don't wanna talk it over.

Oh.

No, no.

Don't look down, Mr. Gray.

It's a long drop.

You won't stop rolling till you get to the town hall.

Come on.

I'll soon have you down from there, Mr. Gray.

You hang on.

I'll be up there in no time.

I'm coming for you now.

Here we are.

Now, then, now let me go back.

Philip, don't move!

Oh, oh, that's it.

I've got a foothold.

Rigsby, that's my head!

Stop complaining.

Now, Mr. Gray, why are you doing this?

Go away, Rigsby.

You don't care.

No one cares.

Of course, we care.

Look, there's Alan and Philip.

They're different ethnic groups roped

together to save a stranger.

Come on.

My wife doesn't care.

She'll be sorry when she hears.

Do me a favor, will you?

What's that?

While you're up there, straighten that aerial.

All right.

I'm-- I'm going.

I'm going, Rigsby!

Oh, ta-ta, ta-ta.

Well, aren't you gonna stop me?

No, you made your mind up.

You better get on with it.

What are they shouting down there?

Is it, go back?

Some things, or more likely, jump.

Oh, yes, they're starting to sell off dogs down there.

Oh, oh my-- oh.

What's the matter?

Oh, my head.

He's got--

He's gonna fall.

What are we gonna do?

[screams]

Cut the rope!

Cut the rope!

No, grab him.

[stammering]

I'm falling. I'm falling.

I'm falling.

[muttering]

I'm fine!

Hey, I'm fine!

It's all right, Mr. Rigsby.

Oh, Ms. Jones.

Oh, oh, oh, it was terrible.

My whole life flashed before me.

That must have been terrible.

I'm sorry to have subjected you to that, Mr. Rigsby.

I should think so.

No consideration for others.

There's an enormous crowd down here, Rigsby, press,

photographers, everybody.

The press?

Oh, they'll want to meet the rescuer.

Better have a word with them.

Oh, no, you fainted, Mr. Rigsby.

No, Ms. Jones, just my little ruse to get him down.

Has anyone got a comb?

Oh, thank God you've got him.

Come on, men. RIGSBY: Yes, here.

Excuse me.

I'll just have a word with the press.

Yes, yes, yes, of course.

Don't worry about a thing.

What are you doing?

It's not-- it's not me.

How many times do I have--

[shouting]

[theme music]