03x01 - That's My Boy

[bunniefuu]

[music playing]

Rigsby, you're back.

Of course I'm back.

Who do you think it was, the Lone Ranger?

I wasn't expecting you till next week.

Oh, yes, I thought I could smell cannabis.

Everything all right then?

Nothing happened while I've been away?

No, no, surveyor's been down.

Put a few more crosses on the house.

What?

No, no, no.

Relax because everything's fine.

Well, what's it like then, to be back from the joys

of the Costa Brava?

Bloody awful.

I think I'm suffering from jet lag.

It must have done you some good with experience.

Travel broadens the mind.

Going to strange lands, meeting strange people,

eating strange foods.

Coming out in strange boils?

Anyway, what makes you think I've got to travel

to meet strange people?

Hey, hey.

Did you feed the cat while I was away?

Yeah, why?

Nothing.

I just saw him coming out the dustbin.

But well, see--

what was the food like, Rigsby?

Greasy.

And the people?

About the same.

You don't sound very excited.

Well, I'm not.

Frontiers don't mean much to you,

not when you've driven across them like I have in a Churchill

tank with all g*ns blazing.

You got a lot of labels.

Yes, yes.

I think that'll raise a few eyebrows when I take the washing

down the launderette. [chuckles]

This one says Dubrovnik.

Yes, yes, that's right. Yes, yes.

- That's in Yugoslavia. - Is it?

I wouldn't know.

Got them off a case at London Airport.

What did you do that for?

Well, you know what they're like around here, travel snobs.

You've got to cross the Sahara on a camel

before they take any notice of you.

What's the use of putting labels on a case

if you've never been to the places?

You don't change, do you?

Same last year.

Put GB plates on to go to the Isle of Man.

Well, the-- they all do it.

What about the milkman?

Tells me he's taking the night flight to Benidorm.

There he is the next day, creosoting his mother's fence.

Are you sure you went to Spain?

What do you mean?

Of course, I went to Spain.

You don't look very brown.

No, neither would you if you spent

the last three days in the police station shouting

for the British consul. - What do you mean?

You ended up in the cells?

There it is.

You can laugh.

You wouldn't have lasted five minutes out there.

It's not a democracy, you know. No, no.

You try speaking your mind out there, you get a well

polished jackboot in the ribs.

Why did they arrest you?

No.

Said I was a troublemaker just because I

pushed this German into the swimming pool.

What did you do that for?

Well, he-- he was ex-Luftwaffe.

All I asked him was if he knew who'd bombed our granny's house.

Turned into a real little Erich Von Stroheim.

Look, Rigsby.

When are you going to realize that the w*r is over?

I mean, travel is to meet people from other parts,

to understand their habits and customs.

I did.

I met some very nice lads from Oldham.

Mind you, they got turfed out in the end.

Something to do with the missing bidet.

It was that sort of hotel.

You know, everything came away in your hand, you know.

Mind you, I got my own bath.

[chuckles] Yeah.

Did you-- did you bring anything back, Rigsby?

For you? Don't worry.

I didn't forget you! - Oh, no, no.

I didn't mean-- - No, no, no.

And I appreciate you looking after the place.

So I got you some brandy and cigars.

Oh, you shouldn't have. Rigsby.

No, no, no. You deserve this.

I didn't want anything.

Good.

Because they took them off me going through the customs.

I wouldn't have minded, but they completely

ignored this bloke in front of me,

with 20 Swiss watches strapped up his arm.

Ticking away, he was making more noise than the engines.

And the lads from Oldham got the bidet through.

Just your bad luck, I'm afraid.

It's all right, Rigsby.

Hey, hey, hey.

What do you think?

[chuckles] Hey, hey.

Oh, and the-- yes.

What about that?

Huh, huh?

[clanking]

Do they work?

So you had no problems when I was away.

No, I let the two empty rooms.

Hey, hey, wait a minute.

I let the rooms around here, you know.

What are they like? - Two women.

You're hiding something.

I can always tell by the shifty look in your eyes.

No, no.

I think you're in for a very nice surprise.

Oh, yes, we'll see about that.

Hey, where are you going?

Well, I'm just gonna warn--

tell them you're back.

There's a good boy, Din.

Din!

Mrs. Brent.

Oh, yes, Alan?

I thought I'd better let you know he's back.

But you said you wouldn't be back until next week!

Well, it shouldn't have been.

I think he was deported.

I did say it would only be for a few days.

Oh, doesn't he like children?

No.

There's nothing personal.

Don't like grownups either.

Well, couldn't we appeal to his better nature?

Well, I suppose we could, but I don't think he's got one.

So if you could just pack your bags.

We've got nowhere to go!

Oh, you can't do this to us.

Oh, just look at his little face.

Yes, he's got a lovely little face.

He's got lovely little arms and lovely little legs.

But it can't stop here.

Oh, but look at him.

He's so happy.

He's always smiling.

He never stops!

He will do when he sees Rigsby.

He will probably bite straight through his teething ring.

So can you try the social security?

Well, as a matter of fact, I was

going to look at another room today, but it's across the town.

I can't really manage the baby.

Oh, look, I can see he likes you.

Does he?

Oh, yes, you can always tell.

That's why he's blowing those bubbles.

Well, I do have this way with children.

Oh, good!

Then I could leave him with you.

Now, don't forget his bottle.

I won't be long.

Excuse me, miss.

I wonder--

[door closes]

Miss Jones!

Mr. Rigsby!

Ohh!

Oh.

Oh, Ms. Jones!

Oh, you've come back then.

Yes, Mr. Rigsby.

I hope you don't mind. Only Alan said--

Mind?

Of course, I don't mind, Miss Jones!

It'll be just like the old days!

Oh.

Oh, oh, no, no wedding bells.

No.

No, I'm afraid not, Mr. Rigsby.

I'm afraid it didn't quite work out.

I realized I'd made a mistake.

There was someone I was trying to forget, but I couldn't.

Yes, I quite understand, Miss Jones.

Yes, I thought of writing, but letters don't really say it,

do they? No.

It's the same during the w*r, I wrote to this girl

all through the desert and Italy,

through the-- the heat and the flies, the din of desert battle.

She has never missed once.

Oh, how romantic, Mr. Rigsby.

Yes, must have written her dozens of letters.

But it didn't work out?

No, no, no, no.

She married the postman.

We both had our disappointments, Mr. Rigsby.

Yes.

And I tried to forget mine.

I-- I went to Spain.

Yes.

Alan told me.

You're not very brown.

No, no, no.

I tried to lose myself in an excess of gaiety and olive oil,

but all I got was boils.

And then I thought of you, Miss Jones.

Oh, surely not, Mr. Rigsby.

Not surrounded by all those flashing-eyed senoritas.

No, they couldn't hold a candle to you, Miss Jones.

I've never been to Spain, Mr. Rigsby.

I understand it's very romantic and that the Spaniards

can be very hotblooded.

That is very true, Miss Jones.

Yes, I understand they won't take no for an answer.

Absolutely.

I've seen it with my own eyes.

No woman is safe out there.

Really?

Where was this Mr. Rigsby?

I'll show you, Miss Jones.

I'll bring up my holiday snapshot.

Oh, I'd love to see them.

Oh, it'll be just like the old days.

Oh, Ms. Jones!

Oh!

Oh, yes!

Philip!

[laughs] Oh, Philip.

What about me?

It's so good to see you.

What about the snaps, Miss Jones?

- The snaps? - The holiday--

Oh, Philip, Mr. Rigsby just come back from Spain.

Oh?

You're not very brown, Rigsby.

[baby crying]

[shushing] Come on, I'll put you behind it.

Be very quick, because you're not supposed to be here.

[speaking gibberish]

Do you have to do that, Rigsby?

Are you feeling all right?

[chuckles]

Don't you ever knock?

That's all right!

Don't get so touchy!

As a matter of fact, I came up here to thank you.

I know we've had our differences in the past,

and I had my doubts about leaving you in charge.

But I just wanted to thank you for looking after Miss Jones,

especially after what's happened.

I suppose you heard that, call off the marriage.

So I just thought I'd--

what's this?

What?

This, this.

It's like a baby's bottle.

It's a test tube.

[scoffs] It's got milk in it!

Well, I've run out of cups.

What's that-- what's that smell?

What smell?

Quite-- quite pleasant, like a new bread.

What is it?

What's this?

A rusk?

What do you want with a rusk?

I like rusk.

Rusk?

Baby's bottle.

My, got a bit of being Ret*rded.

This is ridiculous.

Hey, if you get a sudden desire to roll on your back

and suck your big toe, resist it.

[burps]

Pardon.

Your rusk are beginning to work.

The sooner you're back on cannabis, the better.

I'm not on cannabis!

Oh, yeah.

[baby crying]

It's a baby?

Yeah.

Well, what's it doing here?

You know the rules.

I'm looking after it for someone.

Looking-- who in their right mind has

left you in charge of a baby?

Matter of fact, she likes me.

You can see why.

Can hear all that, Eddie thinks you're his mother.

Who is his mother, anyway?

Just a friend.

Ooh.

What are you staring at?

It's the nose, a dead giveaway.

What do you mean?

The likeness is uncanny.

You're the spitting image.

Oh, what did you do?

Throw caution to the winds, did you?

No, I didn't throw caution to the wind.

Why didn't you come to me, you silly fool!

Why would I come to you for?

There are times I've seen you hanging around that chemist,

that all tongue-tied, stammering.

Wait half an hour for the bloke to serve you,

then come out clutching a bottle of Lucozade.

Now look at what you've done.

What?

It's not my baby!

His mother's a respectable woman.

His father's in the Merchant Navy.

[baby crying]

I'm sorry.

I'm not having that noise in the house.

So you either get him out or you're out.

Hey.

You're gonna get-- you're gonna get--

[shushing baby]

What have you got there?

It's a baby.

Well, I didn't think it was your Mickey

Mouse hot water bottle.

What are you doing with it?

I'm looking after it for someone.

Well, it can't stop here.

I've got work to do.

Oh, don't you start.

It won't be for long.

Look at his little face.

I don't want to look at his little face.

Go on, look.

Diggy, diggy, dig.

Oh, so that's it.

No, that's not it.

It's the nose!

Look, it's not the nose.

Rigsby already thinks the baby's mine.

Well, he's not going to think it's mine.

Do you realize this is the first time I won't

get the blame around here?

[baby crying]

Look, you've got to help me.

It belongs to the woman downstairs.

If Rigsby finds out I've let the room to them, he'll m*rder me.

And he mustn't find a baby when he gets back.

Well, what do you suggest we do?

Sit on it?

I've got to do something.

What about Ruth?

Think she would?

She's a woman, isn't she?

Suppose so.

- Ruth. - Oh.

Philip.

Um, I wonder if you could help me.

Of course, Philip.

I've got this little problem.

And you need a woman's touch.

Oh, I don't know how you ever manage without me.

What is it?

Oh.

My god, a baby!

We wondered if you could look after it for us, Ruth.

But I don't know anything about babies.

You don't have to.

Well, follow your instincts.

I am doing.

Just hold her, Ruth.

No, I'll drop it.

No, you won't.

Yes, I will.

I dropped one at a christening once.

It plummeted into the font and saturated the vicar.

Oh, come on, Ruth. You're a woman.

You must know something about babies.

I don't honestly.

The only experience I had was with a hamster.

Oh, look.

Oh.

Hey, look at that, Philip.

Isn't that incredible?

Yes, the natural way he clings to her.

He's gone pink!

He wasn't that color when he came in.

I think he stopped breathing.

No, no, he's just holding his breath.

He's not the only one.

He belongs to the woman across the landing, doesn't he?

I told her, Rigsby won't allow babies.

It won't be for long.

I'll go and get his coat.

You know, you're a wonderful sight, Ruth.

What?

The quiet strength, the gentle dignity.

Oh.

You can see he feels secure.

Do you really think so?

Yeah.

You know, there's a certain Madonna-like quality about you,

Ruth.

Oh.

Don't forget to change him.

No.

Pretty poo, pretty poo.

[knocking on door]

RIGSBY: Miss Jones!

Oh.

Buenos noches, Ms. Jones.

Oh.

Buenos noches, Mr. Rigsby.

Ole!

[chuckles] Yes, I brought me--

I brought-- hang on, Miss Jones.

[chuckles]

I brought my holiday snaps, Miss Jones.

Yes, there we are.

Now, there.

Now, that's an interesting one.

That's-- that's the nightclub which was attached to the hotel.

Yes.

At least it was when I left.

- It looks very elegant. - Yes, yes.

Mind you, that was before the trouble started.

- What trouble? - Yes.

Well, it's this old Spanish custom, Miss Jones.

You may know it.

It's drinking from a goatskin.

Oh.

Yes, you're supposed to direct a jet of wine

straight into your mouth.

Oh, I understand that's very difficult.

Yes, it is very, yes, yes.

Most of mine went into this woman's ear.

Who are these two men in uniform walking

towards the camera?

No, they're the police, Miss Jones.

Oh, they seem to be scowling.

Yes they never did laugh a lot.

Oh, what's this gaunt, ugly building?

That's the police station.

What's this cross on one of the windows?

My room.

Mr. Rigsby, perhaps I could look at them later.

Yes, all right. I'm sorry.

I didn't realize you were gonna be busy.

I'll have--

[baby crying]

The baby, Miss Jones.

What-- what's he doing up here?

Well, I'm looking after it for someone, Mr. Rigsby.

Looking after it for someone?

Yes, so if you'll excuse me.

OK.

Yes, ma'am.

Hey!

Hey, you, about that baby.

Yeah.

Well, it's back with its mother, Rigsby.

[music playing]

[baby crying]

Oh, Mr. Rigsby, I hope he's not making too much noise.

No, no, of course not, Miss Jones.

He's only exercising his little lungs, isn't he?

Yes.

What are you-- what are you doing, Miss Jones?

I'm changing him.

Oh.

[chuckles] Oh my word, he's certainly a boy.

Oh, Mr. Rigsby.

Yes, yes.

Yes, nothing to worry about there.

He's certainly beautifully made.

Yes, yes, yes, all fully equipped.

[chuckles]

I think under the circumstances, we ought to offer

a few words of admiration.

Admiration?

Yes.

It encourages them, keeps them regular.

We always had a set up of figs.

Who's a clever boy, though?

Yes.

Well, certainly a beautiful baby, Miss Jones.

Obviously takes after his mother.

Oh, you know his mother?

Yes, yes, I think so.

So our little secret's out?

Yes, yes, I'm afraid so, Miss Jones.

And you don't mind?

Well, no, I must say I did at first.

And then I thought, no, no, I--

I mustn't sit in judgment.

And I realize how tough it is to bring up a child on your own

these days.

Oh. that's very sweet of you, Mr. Rigsby.

Oh, not at all.

I must say, I would like to know a little more about the father.

He's in the Merchant Navy.

Yes yes, I believe so.

And you feel that's all you want to tell me?

Well, I've only seen him once.

And that was by the light of his cigarette.

He seemed quite nice.

He seemed quite nice?

Is that all you can say?

What's the matter, Mr. Rigsby?

Nothing, Miss Jones.

Well, I suppose these things happen.

You're obviously a born mother.

He certainly trusts you as you do.

Who's a funny boy?

Who's a funny boy?

I always thought you didn't like children, Mr. Rigsby.

Oh, Heavens, whatever gave you that idea?

No, I love them! Love them.

In fact, I was Father Christmas every year in the British Legion

till they-- till they set fire to my bed.

RUTH: Oh?

No, I'm very fond of the little fellas.

Oh my goodness me. Look at the time.

In fact, people have often said to me

how good I am with babies.

Oh, I'm so glad, Mr. Rigsby.

Perhaps in that case, you could look

after him for a little while. - What?

You see, I've got to go to work.

Miss--

[baby crying]

He won't be changing for another hour.

Yes, but-- but--

He just won't stop.

[baby crying]

Perfectly normal, Rigsby.

Here.

I'm not so sure.

What do-- what do you think, Philip?

I don't know.

He's a funny color.

Point is, what are we gonna do?

You mean, what are you going to do?

We're trying to work.

No, look, you can't take that attitude.

Look at the poor little fella.

Look again.

He's a lovely boy.

He's a lovely boy!

He looks rather plain to me.

Well, he would to you, wouldn't he?

Suppose if he had half a dozen rings

round his neck covered with w*r paint,

you'd think he was marvelous.

[speaking gibberish]

You can't really call him handsome, though, Rigsby.

Yes.

Well, his veins are standing out at the moment, aren't they?

Looks like a little old man.

Shut up, he'll hear you.

And you can't judge at that age.

They often grow out of it.

I mean, you may not believe this,

but I wasn't very good-looking as a baby.

No.

In fact, some people might even have

said I was an ugly duckling.

Yeah.

But the ugly duckling grew up, didn't he?

Didn't the ugly duckling grow up?

You, you, you.

And what did he turn into?

An ugly duck!

No.

How about we-- should we try singing to him?

- Oh, should we sing to him? - Yes, why should we?

Because I'll put your rent up if you don't.

Come on.

[baby crying]

Oh my, my, my curly head--

[SINGING] Oh, my, my baby, my curly headed

Come on, come on.

We wouldn't have this trouble from Paul Robeson.

Come on.

[SINGING] Oh my curly, my curly headed baby.

Your daddy's in the cotton fields of working for his man.

[shushing] It worked.

It stopped.

[baby crying]

Oh, you frightened him.

No, I didn't.

Yes, you did.

It's all right.

The dark gentleman didn't mean it.

No, no, no.

No, he's that color because he comes

to where the sun's very hot!

Yes!

And he has to be heat-resistant like the non-stick pan.

Yes!

Yes.

he is, he is.

It's all right. he won't eat you.

No, no, no.

Is that a miter?

But he won't.

Mind you, Rigsby.

My god.

Listen we, Rigsby.

Hey, that's on, isn't it?

We might just catch it. Hurry up.

Come on. There's a good boy.

There's a good boy.

Oh, he's off again.

Come on.

You don't think he's getting too carried away, do you?

WOMAN [ON RADIO]: So this is carrying a breath of wind.

Come on.

Puff out your cheeks and blow.

[blowing]

WOMAN [ON RADIO]: Good big blow like the north wind.

What's this coming along?

A big, round ball bouncing in the wind.

Let's all--

Oh, yes, let's--

WOMAN [ON RADIO]: --the big brown ball to him.

Well, round and we bounce and bounce

and bounce and bounce and bounce!

There.

Look, who's this chasing the ball?

It's over the dog.

It bloody would be.

[baby crying]

WOMAN [ON RADIO]: And stop.

Wahoo!

Wahoo!

Woh!

Woh!

Woh!

Woh! Woh!

WOMAN [ON RADIO]: And hold.

What do you want?

I thought this might help.

Big bunny.

Oh, little Jack, it's big bunny come to see you.

Hello.

Who is a lovely boy?

He likes this. - Yes, yeah.

Give it to me. Give it to me.

- Why? - Because I say so.

And I could see your lips moving.

You're getting very possessive, Rigsby.

Look, I'm in charge of at the moment.

Anyway, you'll be a bad influence on him.

You'll take too much LSD.

Try walking through a wall with him.

Yoohoo.

I suppose you'd be a good influence on him.

What about the night before you went away?

Came home drunk.

What makes you think I was drunk?

You had a traffic cone on your head.

Anyway, I could do a lot for this lad.

Good that you ask.

Well, give him some of the things I never had.

A decent education, for a start.

I was sent to school with bread and dripping

and a stubby pencil.

Oh, yes.

All the other lads had fountain pens in the top pockets.

Not me.

You mean, you didn't even have a fountain pen?

Didn't even have a top pocket.

That's why I never got invited to the parties

after the gunboats.

Yes, I saw all the others going off.

Yes, all the little girls with their silver shoes

and the boys in the party slippers

giving each other, mmm, great zonkers at postman's knock.

I was outside, the face at the window.

Be different for him.

Perhaps win a scholarship.

Winchester Balliol, seat in the cabinet.

A seat in the cabinet. Woohoo.

Don't you think you're getting carried away, Rigsby?

What do you mean?

He's got a father, you know.

He doesn't need you.

We'll see about that.

Ooh, would we see about that.

Ooh, would we see about that.

Bee-dee--bee-doo.

Oh, there!

I wondered where the little shaver had got to!

Oh, you.

You've come back then.

Yes.

Who are you?

I'm the landlord.

I thought you looked a bit old for a babysitter.

How has he been keeping, then?

All right, all right.

Hey, hey, don't-- don't lift him up.

He's not a duffel bag, you know.

I always lift him up like that.

Well, don't blame me if he grows up

with his head on one side then.

I am his father, you know.

Yes, yes, I know.

I'm just surprised you showed up, that's all.

Oh, what do you mean?

I mean, do you think it's going

to be any good coming back like this, opening up old wounds?

What?

Look, sit down, sit down.

And let me give you a bit of advice, shipmate.

You mustn't settle down.

You're not-- you can't tie yourself down with this.

You're not a family man.

I'm not?

No!

I mean, you're wedded to the sea.

You'll never be here when he wants you.

- I could come ashore. - No.

What good will that do?

I can tell the seas in your blood, isn't it?

I mean, once you-- once you-- you hear the sound of the wind

through the shrouds and smell the salt breezes coming off

the marshes, you'll be away!

Off, away to those faraway places

with strange sounding names.

I don't know about that.

I'm only on the cross-channel ferry.

Now, don't-- don't lean in.

You'll frighten him. - No, I won't!

He knows me! - Of course, he doesn't.

You know, that's what I'm trying to tell you.

As far as he's concerned, you're just a sailor with a big hooter.

My god, I don't know what she saw in you.

You got a woman of her refinement.

Mind you, she did say it was dark.

Well, wait a minute.

What have you been saying?

Well, she was bound to confide in me.

I knew her before you, you know.

Oh, yes, we had an understanding.

Did you?

Hey, now, look--

no, no, no! Fine!

It's nothing f*cking amazing! - Good heavens!

What's going on?

You'll upset the baby.

I'm sorry, Miss Jones, but it's this geezer.

It's jolly Jack tar.

He's trying to turn me into Macklovitch.

Well, stop it, the pair of you.

You'll upset-- oh, what's his name?

David.

You'll upset David.

Really, Miss Jones, I've heard of being absent-minded,

but surely you can remember your own baby's name.

What?

I'm not his mother!

You-- you're not his--

[laughs] So that's it.

You thought David was hers.

Oh, Mr. Rigsby, how could you?

There must have been some misunderstanding.

Well, there certainly was, Mr. Rigsby!

Thank God for that.

He had me worried for a minute.

Jim, what are you doing here?

Oh, it's all right, love.

Mr. Rigby's been looking after David.

Oh, thank you!

Oh, you're the-- the mother.

Mrs. Brent.

But I thought Mr. Rigsby didn't like babies.

Oh, don't worry, Mrs. Brent.

Mr. Rigsby adores babies, don't you, Mr. Rigsby?

Yes. Yes, of course.

He says he can stay as long as he likes.

Isn't that kind of him?

Yes.

Well, you know me, Miss Jones.

All heart.

Oh, well, this is a surprise.

Alan said you were such a misery.

[laughter]

Oh, the little tinker!

[laughs] Oh, did he indeed?

What are you doing, Mr. Rigsby?

Going to give big bunny a bit of exercise.

[music playing]