02x05 - A Perfect Gentleman

[bunniefuu]

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[theme music]

What's the matter with you?

I've got a complaint.

I'm not surprised.

You should eat more fresh vegetables.

No, it's about Seymour.

He's monopolizing the bathroom again.

No, he's not.

Look, he's been in there for hours.

Look, look, you can't expect him to dash in and out,

not Seymour.

He's in there reading a paper.

I can hear him turning the pages.

Yeah, he's probably studying the financial section.

He's thinking of getting out of gilt-edged.

I'm glad he's thinking of getting out of somewhere.

Wish he'd get out of the bathroom.

He's not like you, you know?

Got a lot on his mind.

As a matter of fact, he's very concerned about his Krugerrands.

He's not looking at them in there, is he?

Hey, does he want a medical opinion?

Don't you know what Krugerrands are?

Of course I know what they are.

I know he ain't got any.

He had to borrow 10p for the gas.

My god, sure hasn't taken long, has it, hey?

What do you mean?

Hasn't taken long for you to show your resentment.

Just because he's had a public school education, hey?

Just because he's a gentleman. - A gentleman?

Yes, yes.

I knew that word would stick in your throat.

Yes, a gentleman. He's got breeding.

Says our c*ck Spaniel, Rigsby.

But we don't let it take over the bathroom.

Typical working-class reaction that.

Hey, wait a minute.

How do you know I ain't got breeding?

You?

You haven't got breeding.

Why not?

Because you suffer from one grave disadvantage, that's why.

What's that?

You're common.

I'm not common.

What makes you think I'm common?

You eat with your mouth open.

Everybody eats with their mouth open, Rigsby.

What do you expect me to do?

Stuff it in my ear?

Look, all I'm saying is, once it's in there, that's the last

we should save it, huh?

Not with you, though.

You're like one of those things on the back of a dustcart.

Your teeth rotate.

That's charming, that is.

How long have you been watching me like this?

You see, it's these little things that give

you away in civilized society.

That and smothering everything in tomato sauce.

Yes, I can just imagine you at the high table

chateau with a sauce bottle and wiping

your butter knife on the table.

I don't wipe my butter knife on the table.

You wouldn't even know which way

to pass the port, assuming you ever let go of it, of course.

Well, me, of course, I made a study of these things.

Oh, of course, you've got breeding, haven't you, Rigsby?

Oh, you've noticed, have you?

It's not generally known this, so keep it to yourself.

But my grandfather was a b*stard.

You mean he was cruel to you?

No, no, no, no, no.

He was a real b*stard.

He was the-- he was the natural son of--

of someone.

Who?

No, can't tell you that.

Suffice it to say, I'm related to one of the most

powerful families in the land.

Don't believe it.

It's true.

How else do you think granddad got the horse and cart?

Hush money.

Oh, I shall never want.

I've only got to turn up with the drawbridge.

They'd recognize the family features.

I'd be made.

I bet you would.

Oh, yes, jealous just because I've got a dash of nobility

in me.

Well, how can you tell?

It's in the blood.

I've only got to hear the hunting horn.

My ears start pricking.

My nostrils twitching away.

Sounds like you've got a dash of foxhound to me.

Oh, yeah, very funny.

You can laugh.

I've always known I was different, someone set apart.

It's the same when the royal coach goes by and she sees me.

Our eyes meet, and she waves just--

just a little bit longer.

I can see, she's thinking, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah,

he's one of us, yeah.

Don't you mean one of them?

No, I don't.

Always felt at ease with the gentry.

They usually take to me.

It was the same with Seymour.

We took to each other at once.

Yes, I'm glad he's coming here.

Have some civilized conversation for a change.

You're just hoping you'll get into the golf club.

No, I'm not.

Rigsby, what are you going to do about Seymour?

He's still in the bathroom.

Not another one.

He's taken my soap again.

The man's a scrounger.

Not a scrounger.

He came here at short notice.

He just forgot to pack a few things, that's all.

He won't hear anything against Seymour.

He'll do anything for him.

He's giving him special treatment.

Are you accusing me of having favorites?

I treat everyone exactly the same.

Ah, there you are.

Have you finished the shoes yet?

Yes, yes.

You've got a real shine on those.

You think so? Thank you.

Jolly nice of you.

Not at all.

[non-english speech].

Pardon?

Yes.

Look at him.

He's even cleaning his shoes for him now.

Put a bit of a shine on them, that's all.

I wish he'd stop talking to me like that.

I can't understand a word he says.

That's why you resent him, isn't it? 'Cause he

was out there in Africa.

You hold him responsible for our colonial past.

Well, just you remember, mate, he got

malaria working for your lot.

You try and make him feel at home.

What do you want me to do?

Take his letters up in a cleft stick.

Yes, very funny.

There was a time you were glad of blokes like Seymour.

What happened when you wanted all the tigers k*lling?

Who did you send for then, hey?

We didn't send for anyone.

We don't have tigers in Africa.

Yeah, well, that's because of blokes like Seymour, isn't it?

He protected you, didn't he?

Yes, Seymour bwana and his stick that

spoke thunder, yes, who represented

the great white mother across the seas?

Yes, yes, who stopped you shrinking heads

and eating each other, who sorted out all

your little problems for you.

My little problem at the moment

is how to get back that 5 pounds I loaned him.

He hasn't borrowed money off you, has he?

See, he's a con man.

Not a con--

I can judge character.

He's genuine.

Well, why is he always short of money?

That's because of your lot, bled him white,

crippled him with death duties.

Do when he got back from Africa, his estate was in ruins.

He had dry rot in the panel, moth in the tapestry,

and his motor had run dry.

And where were all his faithful retainers, hey?

I'll tell you.

Clocking on at British Leyland.

That's why he had to get a job.

What job?

Well, he is a financial consultant.

Wouldn't trust him with my finances.

What finances?

Has he paid the rent yet, Rigsby?

No.

I didn't think so.

I thought you always asked for it in advance, Rigsby.

Well, this is different, isn't it?

You won't get it.

Of course, I've only got to ask him.

You ask him, and he'll make some excuse

about mislaying his checkbook.

We'll see about that. You wait here.

I'll have a word with him now.

Right.

[knock on door]

Oh, it's all right.

If you're going out, I'll come back later, Seymour.

It's all right. - Entrez, old boy.

Come in.

I look forward to our little chats.

So do I, Seymour.

So do I. Yeah, it's nice to feel, you know,

someone I can talk to you, someone I can respect, you know,

someone who'll pay his rent promptly.

That's just the way I feel.

As soon as I saw you, Rigsby, I felt this rapport.

I thought, there's a chap I could have a good yarn with.

And I was right.

Well, I feel I can talk to you, Seymour.

Can you, Rigsby?

That's a damn nice thing to say.

Have a pew.

Well, thank you very much, yes.

Yes, I hope you don't think I'm someone

who comes up here and just asks for the rent, you know?

Of course not.

The fact is, you don't seem like an ordinary landlord to me.

They are usually mercenary, money-grabbing types.

You are-- you're different.

You've got style.

I can't explain it.

Something about you.

Probably the way I hold my coffee cup, is it?

Little things that are likely to give you away, isn't it?

Yes, but for an accident of birth, who knows?

We might have been chums, hey, Seymour?

I thought so.

Yes, might have shared our tuck together, rags in the dorm?

Then after that, Oxford, dreaming spies,

punting on the !sis, chatting up the birds

from Lady Margaret's back to Balliol for crumpets and plovers

eggs, hey?

But it wasn't to be, Rigsby.

No, no, no.

No, never got through the 11 plus.

You know, Rigsby, you'll have to come down and spend

the weekend with us sometime.

Down at the manor?

Oh, I should love that.

Are you sure your lady wife wouldn't mind?

No, of course not.

We could put you in the Chinese room.

The Chinese-- in the fourposter?

Oh, I shall have to put the old cord back in the pajamas now.

Don't tell those two.

They'll be livid.

No, no, I shouldn't say anything to them.

I know they-- they resent me.

I wouldn't say that, Seymour.

Philip's been giving me some very black looks.

Well, he couldn't give you anything else, mate, could he?

It hurts, Rigsby.

I gave them the best years of my life.



And you know what thanks I got?

The natives peed in the drinking water.

I've never got over it.

Not surprised.

There's that other one, the one with the long hair,

looks like a bloody red to me.

You put your finger on it there.

He won't be satisfied till we're all swinging

from the nearest lamppost.

That's typical.

Their answer to everything, mindless violence.

They should be stood up against the wall and shot.

Well, I must be off.

Yes, yes, where is it--

Where is it this evening, then? - The golf club.

Golf?

I thought I might pick up a few investors.

I've got some rather attractive stocks.

I suppose you've got your little pile safely invested,

hey, Rigsby?

Yes.

I thought so. ICI?

Unilever?

Shell?

No, saving stamps actually.

Well, we must have a little talk sometime.

Do you play golf?

No, never quite got round to golf.

You have to come out with me sometime.

You'll soon pick it up.

Yes, I think I've got a feeling for the game.

I did very well one year at the front

at Skegness, till I got stuck in one

of those little wooden windmills.

Splendid.

Well, I was--

Oh, yes I'm serious.

Of course, you want to--

Seymour, hope you don't mind me mentioning the rent.

No, of course not.

Hope you don't mind.

You should have mentioned it before.

It complete slipped my mind.

Not at all.

Ah, just a minute.

I've left my checkbook at the office.

Isn't that silly of me?

See you later.

He hadn't mislaid his cheque-- he left it at the office.

I can't find my wallet.

I'm sure I had it in this jacket.

You're certain?

Yes, I had it earlier.

Did you have it when Seymour came in?

Alan, you didn't think--

He brushed past you, didn't he?

I saw him.

My God, you don't care, do you?

That's slander, that is.

Well, we don't know anything about him, do we?

He already owes rent, and he's borrowed money.

We could search his room.

- Oh, we can't do that. - No.

Why not? He's gone out.

Perhaps it would be simpler to call the police.

No, I don't think we want the police round here, do we?

No, I don't-- perhaps, we could have a quick look.

We might be proving his innocence, mightn't we?

Come on.

Are you sure we should be doing this?

You'll thank me when I've exposed him.

He's probably a master criminal.

Where are we supposed to look then?

Look under the bed.

You slit the lining out of that.

Don't you slit the lining out of that.

I'll never be able to look him in the face again.

What are you looking for?

A wallet.

Don't quite know how to put this, Seymour,

you see, but this wallet's missing.

And you suspect me?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Everyone's under suspicion.

But most of it falls on me.

No, no, no, I quite understand.

I'm a stranger.

You don't know anything about me.

Perhaps you'd like to search me.

No, no, no, I'd feel better if you did.

In fact, I insist.

Please.

No, it's not there.

Now, what about you?

Me?

Well, you did say everybody was under suspicion.

- Yes, but-- - Good.

You don't mind then.

No.

Hello.

What's this?

Is that what you're looking for?

Yes.

[curious music]

[yelling]

Sorry about that, Seymour.

I didn't realize you were going to open the door.

Come in.

What are you doing?

Just getting in a bit of practice.

Don't think I'm being critical, but don't you

think you'd find it easier if you were to play outside?

Yes, I just wanted to iron out a few rough spots first,

you know?

Don't look a complete fool.

Of course not.

What do you reckon?

What do you think?

Back stroke is a bit short.

Ah, yes, I've got to be careful, you see?

I've hit the cat twice.

Mind you, I think I'm improving.

I can put seven out of 10 into the downstairs lav

from the landing.

Very good.

You got to watch out for ricochets, of course.

I can see you're going to make a very useful

addition to our foursome.

I know the mayor is longing to meet you.

The mayor?

Do you play golf with the mayor?

I wonder if he could get my paving slabs done.

The mayor, hey?

You've certainly cracked, Seymour.

You've only been here five minutes.

Playing golf with the mayor, hey?

I suppose it was the old school tie, the accent and the tweeds,

hey?

You're certainly moving in an exclusive circle now.

I suppose they all bear to the left breast.

I beg your pardon?

Rolled up the old trouser leg and exchanged the magic word--

Boaz.

I see.

Well, you can't expect me to discuss that, Rigsby.

No, of course.

No, no, no, no.

It would be too expensive, this golf for it--

You can afford it, Rigsby.

Because I haven't got all the rent in yet, you know?

The rent?

It completely slipped my mind again.

Hope you didn't realize.

I was-- I think I was hinting.

No, no, no, no, of course not.

Here we are, my dear chap. There.

All right.

I think you'll find that right.

Thank you.

Thank you very much, indeed.

Thank you.

Do you think you're wise carrying

all that around with you?

How do you mean?

I was thinking of last night's little incident.

Oh, no, no, no.

That was explained.

They must have got their jackets mixed up.

You're not suggesting--

I don't trust him, Rigsby.

There's something about that young man's features.

Well, I know his eyes are a bit closer together.

If I were you, Rigsby, far be it

from me to cast the first stone, but I would watch

your pockets if I were you.

Thanks very much, Seymour. I will.

Right.

Where is he?

Gone to the shops.

Hey.

Funny about last night, hey?

What do you mean?

Funny about your wallet getting into his pocket.

I must have got the wrong jacket, Rigsby.

Funny, though, hey?

Are you suggesting that Alan took--

I'm not suggesting anything.

No, no, no, no.

I don't want to cast the first stone.

Oh, but you're going to.

Well, it does look suspicious, you must admit.

Oh, do you mean like the time your brother was

caught with that sports jacket?

No, that was a misunderstanding.

He just took it out the shop to see

how it looked in the daylight.

They picked him up three streets away, Rigsby.

The light was better there.

Anyway, he might have had a blackout.

A mate of mine had one of those, you know?

When he came to, he was outside Marks

and Spencer's clutching a black chiffon nightie.

Listen, Rigsby, I share a room with Alan,

and I've got to know him.

I trust him.

All right, all I'm saying is, I think

we ought to keep an eye on him.

No, we won't, Rigsby.

We're going to act as if nothing's happened.

We're going to treat him perfectly naturally.

After all, he's bound to feel awkward.

All right. All right.

Credit me with some sensitivity.

I shan't say anything.

He won't notice any change in my manner, I promise you.

Look out.

Hello, Alan.

Hello.

You've been talking about me, haven't you?

Talking about you?

Oh, yes, you have.

You think I had that wallet.

You don't trust me.

We trust you.

You know your trouble, don't you?

You're too sensitive.

We've known you long enough to trust you, haven't we?

Do you really?

Of course I trust you with my money.

Here, take my-- hey, it's gone.

He's taken it.

He never stops. Come here.

Come here.

Of course he hasn't got it.

No, he couldn't have. I'm sorry.

I don't know what came over me.

I got carried away.

I must have dropped it somewhere.

You don't think that, really, Rigsby.

You think I had it.

It's going to be like this all the time.

I'm always going to be under suspicion.

Alan, Alan.

Now you've done it.

All right, I made a mistake.

- Alan didn't take it. - All right.

And I'll prove it.

Oh, hello.

Hello, old boy.

A nice piece.

Yes, yes, Crown Derby, been in the family for years.

Yes, yes.

By the way, I bought their shares for you.

They should be through in a few days.

Oh, right, thanks very much. Lucky you knew about them.

You know, I didn't even know there was oil in the Pennines.

We don't want it to get out, not until we've

brought up the issue.

No, of course not.

My lips are sealed.

Good man.

RIGSBY: Yeah, right.

Rigsby, this is a very well-appointed room.

You think so?

SEYMOUR: Yes.

You must do some more entertaining now

you're growing up in the world.

Have a few people back for drinks.

Ask the mayor.

The mayor?

Do you think he'd come here?

He would if I asked him.

Do you think he'd wear his chain?

I'm sure he would.

The mayor here for drinks, hey?

Ooh, it'd certainly be in the swim, then, accepted at last.

Yes, I can just see myself swanning down the golf club

in my chunky sweater with my two little matching terriers

like bookends.

Wait till I tell those two.

They'll be furious. - No, no, no.

Don't say anything to them, Rigsby.

You'll only arouse their envy.

It's people like that who've been holding

you back all these years.

Yep, you're quite right.

They're only going to spoil it.

Probably come down here in their string vests.

Yeah, right.

That's all right, old chap.

Don't you worry about a thing. Leave everything in my hands.

All right. All right.

Thanks very much, Seymour.

Hey, hey, hey, Vienna.

Hey, how about that then, hey, hey?

We're going to have the mayor here.

So don't go doing anything in any dark corners, right?

- What are you doing? - I'm going to the bathroom.

Do you mind?

Or do you think I'm going to steal the towels?

Oh, Alan, don't be ridiculous.

You're watching me, aren't you?

No. Well, yes.

I'm worried about you.

Worried about your wallet, you mean.

No one thinks you had that wallet.

I bet had your doubts.

Trouble is, you won't know now, will you?

Alan.

Alan.

Found your purse yet?

No, no I've looked everywhere.

What are you waiting here for?

Just having a look around, you know?

Going to have to do an awful lot of decorating here.

Look at the ceiling up there.

What's the matter, Rigsby?

Sudden spasm.

Shrapnel must have moved.

I thought it was in your chest, Rigsby.

Well, it travels around.

You never know what it's going to be.

Rigsby.

Yeah?

What's that under your foot?

Nothing.

The other one, Rigsby.

Hey.

Heavens, a 5 pounds note.

Were you going to keep it?

No, I was not.

No, I shall have to have to keep this, you know,

till it's properly claimed.

Well, that won't be necessary. It's mine.

Oh, yes, We don't know that.

No, I have to keep it's, you know, check up on it.

If you happen to know the number, of course, that'd be--



You don't take any chances, do you?

What are you doing?

I put that note down for Alan to find.

What for?

To prove I could trust him.

To prove his honesty.

But if you could trust him, why'd you take the number?

Just in case someone else picked it up.

And you think he's going to hand it in?

He'd be straight down to the Chinese with that.

That's what you think.

Quick he's coming.

You all right, Seymour?

Just getting my breath back, old boy.

Touch of the old malaria.

Teeth will be going like castanets any minute now.

Is there anything I can do?

I'll be right in a minute, old chap.

Look, Seymour, I'm sorry about the other night, you know,

jumping to conclusions like that.

Don't worry, old boy.

All perfectly natural.

Well, now, they suspect me.

I don't know, boy.

I can tell by the face, you're a decent type.

Anyone can see that.

Oh, thanks, Seymour.

Are you sure you're all right?

Yes, old boy.

If he gives that back to you--

[lively chatter]

Is it gone?

Yes.

You sound more cheerful.

That's because I am more cheerful.

Just had a very nice experience out there.

Let's all go down to the Chinese.

Yeah, hey?

No, thanks.

I've lost my appetite.

What'd I say?

They'll be here soon. Everything ready?

Yes, I think so.

I think I've got everything-- sausages on sticks, onion,

flavor crisps, various flavor crisps, mixed nuts,

and salmon paste sandwiches.

Food for the gods.

Splendid.

Just a minute, Rigsby.

We slipped up.

What?

No Champagne?

Champagne?

You never said anything about champagne.

They're bound to expect champagne.

It'll be a disaster. - Will it?

They'll laugh at us.

I've got a couple of crates of stouts.

No? - That won't do.

You'll have to get some.

You better leave everything to me.

- Oh, right, good. - Give me 30 pounds.

Hey?



Well, we can't do it for less.

Unless you want to call the whole thing off.

No, no, no, no.

I'm a bit short.

That's all at the moment.

Been keeping it in here in view of what's happened, you know?

- I think you're very wise. - Yes, sir.

What was it?





Thanks very much, indeed.

Here, let me help you.

All right.

Thanks very much, Seymour.

- All right? - Yeah, thank you.

That's it?

Oh, I don't know what to do without you, Seymour.

- That's all right, old chap. - Thanks very much.

Well, if it isn't Seymour bwana.

It's the great white hunter off on yet another safari?

What?

Oh, yes.

Darkest Birmingham-- white man's grave.

Well, before you go, what about that 5 pounds you owe me?

Oh, yes, of course.

That completely slipped my mind.

Here you are old boy.

Bit crumpled.

Hope you don't mind.

Oh, no.

No, I don't mind at all, Seymour.

It's a lovely 5 pounds note.

Not going, are you?

Get out of here, you fleabitten monster.

Don't you get enough to eat?

My god, how can I give these to the mayor

when you've been on them?

Mind you, he's not to know, is he?

Must keep off the salmon paste.

I wish they'd hurry up.

Those sandwiches will start to curl.

[knock on door]

Oh, they're here.

Good evening, Your Worship.

Your Worship, good evening, Your Worship.

Good evening, your-- oh, what do you want?

Hi, Rigsby.

Having a party?

No, what makes you think that?

Well, you're not going to eat all this food yourself, are you?

Just having a few friends in. So buzz off.

Come on. - What sort of friends?

Very influential friends.

As a matter of fact, I've got the mayor coming.

The mayor?

Yes, he's looking forward to it.

Apparently, they all are.

We're going to have a civilized evening

of wit and good conversation.

So sling your hook.

I suspect Seymour's invited.

Sey-- of course he is.

Yes, party wouldn't be complete without Seymour.

Be back any minute.

Just gone for the champagne.

Yes, well, he won't be coming back, Rigsby.

What you mean, won't be coming back?

He's gone.

Packed his cases and gone.

Gone? What do you mean, gone?

He's got 30 quid.

Hey, where'd you-- where did you get that?

Seymour had it.

And your purse.

We got most of the money.

Oh, no, oh, not Seymour.

And he was such a perfect gentleman.

Oh, I'm sorry, Rigsby, but there was no country house,

no mayor, and no champagne.

Oh my god.

Do you think there's any oil in the Pennines?

Never trust anyone again.

Well, you can trust us, Rigsby.

Shall we start on the grub?

I suppose it doesn't worry you that I've just

been cut to the quick, does it?

Well, life goes on, Rigsby.

Where shall we start?

Salmon paste is rather nice.

[theme music]