02x02 - Food Glorious Food

[bunniefuu]

[music playing]

[theme music]

What's the matter, Rigsby?

Trying to avoid Ms. Jones.

I don't believe it.

She's got a collecting tin.

I could hear her rattling it in the hall.

She'd have caught me if I hadn't got me plimsolls on.

So you come hiding up here?

I always knew you were mean, Rigsby.

I'm not mean.

I'm just a bit short this week, that's all.

It's not as if she's the first.

They've already been round for our feathered friends.

I bet they didn't get anything.

What? What do you mean?

Who goes out there every winter and breaks

the ice on the birdbath, eh?

Who lavishes his bacon rind on them?

Not that they appreciate it.

Just sit in a line waiting for me to wax the cortina.

My God.

You think if I was going to feed one, then

show a bit of respected to the other, wouldn't you?

That's the trouble, you see?

They-- they-- nobody appreciates my generosity.

Your generosity?

You're not generous, Rigsby.

You spent all last Christmas eating

pennies up for carol singers.

That is a lie.

All right, then.

If you're so generous, why do you always cross the road

when you see a flag seller?

Ah, yes.

Well, now there's an explanation for that.

I've had a very nasty experience with a flag seller once.

No, no, no.

No.

I had-- I had a lifeboat flag stuck straight through my chest.

Set up an infection. Yeah.

Oh, yes.

Owe me few deep sea rescues, that lot do.

What's Ruth collecting for, anyway?

I'm not sure, but I think it's people.

That explains it.

What do you mean?

Well, you don't like people, do you?

I've got nothing against people.

You give to animals because they're soft and cuddly.

I give to cancer.

Only because you think you might get it.

I don't.

What about that time you came running

up here clutching your throat?

You thought you had a growth.

You were wetting yourself.

It was only your Adam's apple.

Look, I've got nothing against people, but I'm a poor man.

I can only afford so much.

And she'll expect more for people.

You don't give that much anyway.

I've noticed you.

You always cover the money with your hand

when you're putting it in so no one will see it.

Yes. Yes, of course you do.

You're supposed to.

That's your-- that's your bad breeding showing, that is.

It's better than you students.

My God, going around making exhibition of yourselves,

covering people with flowers, smashing

up pianos, seeing how many you can squeeze into a phone box.

At least I've got a bit of dignity.

Well, you don't look very dignified at the moment,

skulking up here.

I'm not skulking.

I'm skint.

Look, I'm the one she should be collecting for.

Look, I've hardly got a button left on this cardigan.

I wonder what you've been putting in the tins.

Hey, she's coming.

Look.

Just-- just-- I'm looking out, just out of sight.

Hello, Alan.

Have you seen Mr. Rigsby?

I saw his feet flying up the stairs.

Ooh!

Hello, Mr. Rigsby.

Oh, oh, oh!

Oh, hello, Miss Jones.

Oh, yeah, Just checking the-- the woodworm.

Oh, I thought you might be avoiding me.

Avoiding you, Miss Jones?

The very idea.

What's that you got in your hand?

Is that a collecting tin?

- Yes, it's for famine relief. - Oh.

I thought you might like to help others

less fortunate than yourself.

Of course, Miss Jones, certainly.

It's a very, very worthy cause.

Yes, allow me to contribute.

Oh!

[chuckles] Thank you very much, Mr. Rigsby.

Yeah, it was nothing, Miss Jones.

That's what it sounded like.

Now you know the words of the song, Miss Jones,

if I can help somebody as I pass along,

then my living shall not be in vain.

Oh, I wish more people felt like that, Mr. Rigsby.

Let me pin a flag on you.

I'm afraid I'm not very good.

I've transfixed several people already.

Now keep still.

That's the trouble, you see if people don't keep still.

I've had to practically harpoon some of them.

Yeah.

Oh, you learn so much about human nature

when you sell flags.

Do you know some people pretend they haven't got any

money even when they're humping three carrier bags from Tesco's?

Oh.

I think that's terrible!

Oh, Alan.

Yes, of course.

Hahaha.

Do you know, I don't think I've got any change?

Surprise, surprise.

I'm sorry, Ruth.

Well, that's all right.

I'll see you later, Alan.

Thank you very much, Mr. Rigsby. - Not at all, Miss Jones.

It's my pleasure to see you.

See you later, I hope.

Another one straight through the chest.

It's all for a good cause, Rigsby.

I'm not so sure about that.

She's always ready to help her little brown brother.

She never gives a thought to me.

Here-- see, I told me I'm not Black, you see.

You've got to be Black to get any sympathy around here.

I always said so, Rigsby.

Do you want to borrow the lamp?

Hm?

No, thank you.

After all, there are certain disadvantages

in your pigmentation, aren't there?

Like a dimly lit street and a 10-ton lorry.

Have trouble picking you out on the side lights, wouldn't they?

Don't take any notice of him, Philip.

He's in a bad mood.

He just given to famine relief.

Didn't want to.

And he did it to impress Miss Jones.

No, I didn't.

I've got to happen to have a warm, impulsive nature.

All I'm saying is it's about time these fellows started

looking after themselves.

Time we laid down the white man's burden.

What do you mean, Rigsby?

How can you lay it down?

We're the ones who do all the carrying.

We're the ones who've been exploited.

You're the ones?

You've not been exploited.

Where would you have been without us?

Rigsby, it was a paradise before you came.

Unspoilt, unpolluted.

Now, listen.

You can't tell me about those places, mate.

I've been there.

Oh, yes, yes, lovely climate.

Yes, nice clear skies, blue sea.

The only trouble is the beach goes back 500 miles.

Yeah, there's nothing but sand!

And did they do anything with it?

I mean, did they-- did they dig-- dig the canals,

find the oil, build the railways?

Nah, of course not.

Just laid out under the palms and read the Kama Sutra.

As a matter of fact, Rigsby, not only

did they do the digging, but they have

to do it on an empty stomach.

Yes, well, of course, that's because of their religion,

isn't it? They're so fussy.

They won't eat the sacred cow, will they?

No.

The other half believe in reincarnation.

They won't eat anything in case it's someone they knew.

You see, that's why they won't do any digging, you see.

If they put a spade through a worm,

they think they'll cut granny in half.

I mean, you can't be like that about animals, can you?

Oh, that's good, coming from someone who spends

a fortune on tinned cat food.

Yes, how can you object to feeding

the poor when you spend so much on that fat, greasy thing?

[SHUSHING] Keep you voice down.

He understands every word you say, you know.

Yeah, yeah, love.

Vienna, come here.

There's a good girl.

Yes, you offended him now.

It's all right.

The dark gentleman didn't mean it.

But I did mean it.

Just look at him.

What use is he?

What use?

He's not supposed to be any use.

He's a pet!

Would you eat him if you were starving, Rigsby?

You'd have to cover his ears if you carry on like this.

Eat him?

Of course, I wouldn't.

We don't do that sort of thing in this country.

He's your sacred cow, Rigsby.

He has the best of everything.

Yes, of course he does.

He has the stuff they show on television,

the one the cat picks out.

He always goes for that bowl.

An airing, isn't he?

No, he gets his tail trodden on if he doesn't.

That food should go to feed people.

Yeah, it does.

Pakistanis love it.

Oh, come on, Rigsby.

You don't believe that's on sale.

Goes down very well with a bit of curry powder, that does.

You believe anything.

It's true!

You drop a Pakistani from any height,

he'll always land on his feet.

You're talking absolute rubbish.

Don't argue with him.

Don't argue with him, Alan.

He's riddled with prejudice.

He's never seen drought.

He's never been hungry.

I've never been-- listen, mate.

When we were in the desert, we went once without-- without food

for a whole week.

But we stood it.

We're iron men.

Hoohoo.

We were the only battalion that didn't eat the mascot.

A whole week?

You couldn't go without food for 48 hours, Rigsby.

Who said so?





Yes.

You're on.

There will have to be conditions.

As many conditions as you like.

There'll be money for jam.

There won't be any jam, Rigsby, and no sweets.

Not even a glacier mint.

I know you've got a sweet tooth.

You needn't worry.

We'll have to confiscate your food.

You won't be able to leave the house.

That's all right.

The money's as good as mine.

Perhaps.

It doesn't really matter, Rigsby, because I'm going

to enjoy watching you sweat.

Oh!

You're going to know what it's like to go hungry.

And I shall watch you like a cat watches a mouse.

Now I'm going to collect your food.

I hope you haven't eaten.

I think he's got something against me.

I don't know what you're sitting there for.

I'm supposed to keep an eye on you.

It's been a waste of time, hasn't it?

I told you I could do it!

It's all a question of willpower, you see.

Hehe.

[sighs]

How long is it now?



Thought it was longer than that.

You think you're gonna make it?

Yes, of course.

You don't understand.

You see, you've never learned self-discipline, you see.

You've never lasted an open boat.

You'll be drinking the seawater, r*fle in the food cupboard.

Well, you're all right.

I'm still growing.

Yeah, like a big black cloud.

No, it's all a question of mind over matter!

You've eaten a sweet?

Yeah.

Don't mind, do you?

No, no, of course not.

Is it-- is it one of those chocolates

that don't mark your gloves?

Yeah.

Yes, I thought so, yeah.

Sort of-- sort of honeycomb with a soft center.

Well, this one's got a bit of hazelnut.

Yes. Yes, they're the ones.

Yes, yes.

You're better off buying them, that you're

not paying for the box.

Yeah, there's no end.

Yeah.

[munching]

I can hear you chewing.

I should have sent you to keep an eye on me.

He's got a very suspicious nature, that fella.

Hehe.

I can't wait to see the expression on his face

when I take that fiver from him.

[chuckles] I think I'll get a beer.

Hey, wait a minute, Rigsby.

Oh-oh, now, no.

You know, he didn't say anything about drink.

Only about food.

He's taken the milk stout.

What's the matter, Rigsby?

Hey, you've taken the beer.

Yes, I'm afraid you can only drink water.

Water?

You didn't say anything about water!

Rigsby, if you were in a drought,

you wouldn't even get that.

Yes, but I don't drink water.

I'm afraid you'll have to get used to it.

Oh, you see, it's not the water,

you see, it's the fluoride.

It'll harden your teeth.

I don't want my teeth hardening, do I?

I'm not going to be eating anything, am I?

Anyway, it's a-- it's all a question of principle.

Nobody asked me if I wanted fluoride.

No, it won't do you any harm.

Oh, yes, you should see the inside of my kettle.

I don't want those little bits jumping around inside me, mate.

Well, if you want to call it off.

Rigsby, if it's too tough for you.

Too-- listen, you're talking to an old desert rat, mate.

I'll survive.

Just a question of willpower.

- Mind over matter? - That's it.

I quite agree.

Yeah.

My great uncle always said that.

Of course, he was the witch doctor,

but he could go without food.

Well, there you are, you see.

But-- I mean, he could go without food altogether.

Oh, yes.

He never touched a crumb.

Must have had incredible powers.

And what was his-- what was his secret then?

He never told us, but he just perfect it, when he died.

[cat meowing]

Yes, yes.

All right, all right.

[clanking]

It's no good.

They're taking your food as well.

[cat meowng]

Yes, well, don't look at me.

I've got nothing.

I've been chewing me pajama cord all night.

You'll have to get out and catch yourself a sparrow,

if you can remember how.

Sparrows, the little things--

you're supposed to creep up on them and pounce.

You know, pounce.

Look at you, you're great.

If you'll catch a sparrow, you'd have trouble with a rubber duck.

Talking to yourself, Rigsby?

No.

No, I wasn't.

I was just talking to Vienna.

Hey, do you realize you've taken his food?

You better start feeding him, or he'll have your arm off.

[cat meowing]

Hey, look.

See the way his tail is moving from side to side?

What about you, Rigsby? How are you feeling?

Me? I'm all right.

Don't worry about me.

What time is it?

Nearly dinner time.

You know, I've noticed something about you.

You can't open your mouth without mentioning food.

Sorry.

I'm getting to you, is it?

No, it isn't getting to me.

I'll survive, mate.

I've got a bit of backbone.

How'd you sleep?

All right.

Why?

Aren't you hungry?

But yes, of course I was hungry.

But I mastered it, didn't I?

No thanks to you either.

Turn to me with your cooking smells.

You've been wafting them down the stairs deliberately,

haven't you? - No.

Oh, yes, you have.

I didn't expect that sort of sadism.

Frying sausages and bacon.

At least you could have had a salad.

Show some respect.

You've been-- you've been playing havoc

with my taste buds, you know.

You know, that's very funny, Rigsby.

What is?

Well, we haven't been doing any cooking.

You know what's happening?

You're beginning to hallucinate.

No, it's the cat.

No!

I mean, you're imagining food so much,

you're starting to believe it's there.

I mean, you're probably look at me

and I'll turn into a boiled ham any minute.

What do you mean, turn into a boiled ham?

Look, you ought to get your mind off it.

Watch television or something.

Nah, I've tried that.

It's Fanny Cradock on one side and "Galloping Gourmet"

on the other.

About time he got back to Australia.

Well, I'm going for me dinner.

What are you having?

Oh, nothing much.

Roast beef, Yorkshire pudding. - All right, yeah.

apple Pie.

Yes, go on, go on.

Get out.

[cat meowing]

Oh, you as well.

Hehehe.

Didn't take you long to desert the sinking ship, did it?

You've never wanted anything of me, have you?

Only food.

There's never been any love, any affection.

You couldn't handle a tin opener.

Wouldn't see if a smoke were.

Go on, go on. Get out of it.

Go on. Oh.

Hi, Mr. Rigsby.

I found I've made too much fish.

Oh, have you, Miss Jones?

I thought Vienna might like it.

Um, yeah.

Yes, I'm sure he would, Miss Jones.

Seems a pity after all those fishermen

have gone through to get that.

Mountainous seas, heaving decks, forsake

gale, black ice on the rigging, and all for that.

But you always said nothing's too good for him, Mr. Rigsby.

Uh, yes, yes, yes.

Quite right, Miss Jones, I did.

But I'm beginning to change my mind.

There are a lot of hungry people in the world.

Now you're making me feel awful.

Oh, no.

After all, you couldn't very well send that to Bangladesh,

could you?

No, but you're right.

We all eat too much.

People are starving.

And what are we doing?

Spending a fortune on trying to lose weight.

Well, have nothing to worry about, then, Miss

Jones, if I may say so.

Thank you very much, Mr. Rigsby.

You have a superb figure.

Oh.

Well, I wish there was a little more.

Little more of what, Miss Jones.

Well, you know.

Little more.

Oh, no, no.

You know, that would be fatal, Miss Jones.

You have an hourglass figure.

Do you really think so?

I can't help wishing I had a little more sand.

But you've got poise.

You see, elegance.

Well, I-- I was once asked to do modeling.

There. There you are.

You see, you could have burst on the fashion scene.

It was only for gloves, Mr. Rigsby.

Yes, well, I'm sure that would have only been the beginning.

I bet you'd have been doing commercials by now.

I can just see it.

Early morning, the birds twittering.

And there you are, coming out of the woods in your gumboots,

your little saucy rain hat.

There's a mischievous little smile playing around your lips.

Where have you been?

Where are you going?

What have you been doing?

[giggles]

Slowly, you take an object from your pocket,

deliberately peel back the wrapping

and sink your white teeth into rich, flaky chocolate.

I think I better go.

I'm going to dress the bird table.

Yes, that can serve you.

[chuckles] Oh, uh--

uh-- psst, psst, here, Vienna.

Miss Jones just brought this up for the-- for the cat.

Well, Rigsby, how are you feeling?

Me? I'm all right.

You needn't worry about me.

I wondered if you wanted to call it off.

Haha. Call it off?

What on earth for?

- You don't look very good. - Oh.

[chuckles]

Your eyes have gone yellow.

Yeah, you needn't try to scare me.

Well, it could be dangerous, a man of your age.

Don't worry about my age.

You worry about your 5 quid.

Well, don't get a vitamin deficiency.

Do you-- what do you mean, a vitamin deficiency?

You'd soon know.

Your teeth starts to get loose, and your hair falls out.

Nothing wrong with my teeth.

Look at that.

[chuckles]

Merely looking at those white bits on your fingernails.

What little white bit?

I don't know.

Suppose-- what?

It's a bad sign, Rigsby.

- Is it? - Lack of calcium.

Oh, yeah.

Your bones are going brittle.

Well, you--

Whatever you do, don't stand up in the bath.

If you fall, we'd never get you together again.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Don't get up.

Don't get up.

You're bound to feel weak.

That's the trouble with scurvy.

[scoffs] Scurvy.

Scurvy?

[chuckles] Oh god.

Steak and kidney.

Miss Jones.

[knocking on door]

[chuckles]

[screams]

[panting]

Oh, Mr. Rigsby.

I see you're admiring my wax fruit.

And very decorative, Miss Jones.

I've just been arranging some flowers in the hall.

I hope you don't mind.

No, no.

Is there something the matter, Mr. Rigsby?

No.

Yes, I could smell something burning.

Oh, I hope not.

I don't want to be slicing the gravy again.

Oh.

No, no, I think it's all right.

Oh, oh, don't move, Miss Jones.

- What? - Don't move.

You look a picture standing there,

your face all flushed from the cooking,

smelling a steak and kidney.

You're gonna make someone a very lucky man, Miss Jones.

Oh, I'm afraid I'm not a very good cook.

Oh, I'm sure you are.

I bet you'd rise to the occasion.

I can picture it now.

The thoughtless phone call from the office.

The boss is coming to dinner. - Ooh!

Ooh!

[chuckles] To me, well, half an hour later,

popping a casserole into the oven,

not forgetting your oxo cube, of course.

And at 7 o'clock, in a low cut gown, sipping a sherry.

Yes, you'd certainly give a meal man appeal, Miss Jones.

Oh, Mr. Rigsby, you're just saying that!

Excuse me, Miss Jones.

I better go.

Don't you ever stop?

- Are you all right, Rigsby? - All right?

Do I look all right?

I haven't eaten for 36 hours.

Hey, look at my nails.

Look at those white bits.

I shouldn't worry about that.

It's all right for you.

They're not your nails.

Oh, come on, Rigsby.

Where's your Dunkirk spirit?

Where's your backbone?

Going like this, you won't have to ask to be able to see.

He's in better shape than I am.

See now, I can count every bone on my ribs.

Think I've got rickets.

You haven't got rickets.

I have.

I was looking at my legs in the mirror.

If I put any weight on, they start to bend.

You know your trouble?

You're becoming demented.

It's lack of food.

Yes, I know it's lack of food!

Man, I'll get you a nice glass of water.

[clinking]

Why don't you give in?

Why don't you have something to eat?

No, I'm not giving in now.

I'm going on to the bitter end.

Mind you, you know, man of my age, anything could happen,

couldn't it?

Yeah.

You could be dead in the morning.

Don't you got any feelings?

But what do you want me to do?

Do you know what I want?

I want help.

Listen, listen.

We're both white Caucasians.

What do you mean?

If you were to--

if you were to sneak some food down for me, say

a few of these sausages, I'd--

I'd show my appreciation.

How?

Split the fiver.

No, it wouldn't be honest.

Listen, listen.

My too are loose, is dropping out.

This is no time to turn on honest.

Philip's watching you like a hawk!

I know. I know.

That's because-- it's because he likes to see me suffer.

He's never forgiven us for the sl*ve trade.

If I quit now, it'll be black supremacy in this place.

Well, can't you ask Ruth for something?

But supposing she--

she mentions it to him, where would it be then?

Hey, she's dressed the bird table.

Oh, thank you.

Thank you, yes.

I suppose you'd like to see me hanging upside down,

chewing at a piece of bacon, right, wouldn't you?

Look, you see, we don't even have to meet.

I mean, if you were just to--

just leave something on a plate outside my door.

I'll have to think about it.

Well, don't leave it too long.

Otherwise, you'll be finding my bones on the stairs.

Thank you for the glass of water.

It was delicious.

[chuckles]

Vienna.

Vienna.

Good lad!

I knew he wouldn't let me down.

Well, he's won.

I didn't think he would.

Neither did I. Do you hear a shout of triumph?

He'll be up those stairs in a minute.

I suppose he deserves some breakfast.

[laughs] Told you I could do it, didn't I?

Come in, Rigsby, have some eggs and bacon.

Never mind about the eggs and bacon.

What about that fiver? - Yes, of course.

I must say I'm surprised you earned it.

I only hope it's taught you something.

Perhaps you give more freely the next time.

Give more?

I'm the soul of generosity.

Everybody knows that for.

RUTH: Rigsby.

Yes, Miss Jones?

Oh.

I've just been emptying my collecting tin,

and I found this.

Oh, what's that, Miss Jones?

It appears to be a button from your cardigan.

Yes, so it does. Yes.

It must have got mixed up with my loose change.

Soon put that right, Miss Jones.

You know, Rigsby?

Get stuck in, huh?

You can count on me anything about famine relief, Miss Jones.

Yes, done without food for two whole days.

And in the process, collected 5 pounds.

For famine relief?

Oh, how wonderful, Mr. Rigsby.

Oh.

I always knew there was something

underneath that rough exterior.

Until you know me, all heart, Miss Jones.

Come on, Rigsby, sit down.

Will you join us, Ruth?

Oh, thank you.

So you went without food for 48 hours.

Yes, 48 hours, Miss Jones.

Heavens, you make me feel humble.

Yeah, it was all a question of willpower, you know.

Mind you, Miss Jones, looking forward to this.

Oh, you must be.

Do you mind if I start?

Please do.

By the way, Rigsby, don't forget to bring the dish back.

Yeah.

What dish?

The one I left outside your door for Vienna.

Oh, yeah.

The one you left outside-- outside the door?

Yeah.

What was in it?

RIGSBY: Yeah, what-- what was-- what was in it?

All the leftovers of the week.

What do you mean?

All that old bacon rind?

And those sausages we thought were off?

Yes.

And that foul-smelling meat?

Yes.

He must have an iron constitution, that cat.

[fork clinks]

What's the matter, Mr. Rigsby?

Aren't you hungry?

[music playing]