01x07 - Stand Up and Be Counted

[bunniefuu]

[opening music]

[squeals] It's you.

What are you looking at?

Don't creep up on me like that, Rigsby.

Oh.

been biting your nails again.

Why can't you wear that coat properly?

You look like the count of Monte Cristo.

It's got sleeves in it.

Why don't you use 'em?

The police are after me.

[LAUGHING] What?

It's not funny.

I hit one of 'em.

[laughs] You hit a policeman?

I didn't know he was a policeman.

Someone knocked his helmet off.

I thought he was a porter.

[laughs] You hit him?

Yeah, we were making a political protest.

Oh, not again.

Yeah, we tried to enter a meeting of the National Front,

and somebody called the police.

Well, I didn't actually hit him.

I just sort of pushed him in the back.

Well, he-- he wasn't very pleased.

He turned around.

He was very pale.

He said, what did you do that for?

And I don't think he was very strong.

Yeah. What did you say?

I said, I'm sorry.

I thought you were somebody else.

And he says, I'll get you for that.

So I came away.

Oh, dear.

Yeah, I don't think Lennon would have left it like that.

Listen, I was the only one who stood up to the police dog.

RIGSBY: Ooh. - Look, I wasn't frightened.

- [laughs] - I patted him.

Got a cheer.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, hey, they're here. - Wha?

Ha, wha.

[laughs] Oh.

[laughs]

Do you think-- do you they will come here?

Nah.

They'll try the airports first.

[sighs] No, you'll be all right.

Hey, you wouldn't be the first.

We have one bloke stopping here, jumped in that wardrobe

every time I open the door.

I don't know what he was up to.

He spent more time in that wardrobe than out of it.

Don't think I'd like that very much.

Oh, you'll have to get used to wardrobes

if you're gonna be a revolutionary.

I don't think I'll make a very good revolutionary.

I have to keep rushing off to the lavatory.

You can't keep dashing off to the lavatory

during a demonstration, can you?

No, no, not very well.

No.

Well, I told you, warned you, didn't I?

Shouldn't have got involved with them.

Anyway, if you keep this up, I shall have to give you notice.

Hey, wait a minute.

What about free speech?

Look, that's not the point.

You're giving this place a bad name.

I've got my position to think of.

I'm a member of the conservative club.

can't get on the billiard table as it is.

You know your trouble, Rigsby?

You're a social climber.

No, well I haven't got very far, have I?

There's only one bloke down in that club ever speaks to me,

and he washes the glasses.

Is that why you're canvassing for them?

Yes.

Thought I'd do a bit this morning, win 'em a few votes.

[laughs] Didn't get many arguments.

That surprises me.

RIGSBY: No, I had the megaphone, you see?

First sign of any trouble, I gave him a thousand decibels

straight between the eyes.

Yes, left 'em with their heads ringing.

Yes, I think I did meself a bit of good this morning.

With a bit of luck, I'll be playing



He'll never get in, Tory twit.

Oh, don't you bank on it, mate.

He'll be there.

[laughs] Mind you, what the committee are

gonna say when they find out I'm sheltering a Marxist,

I don't know.

I've told you before, I'm not a Marxist.

Hmm.

Not much.

Who's that on the wall, then, eh?

Not your granny, is it?

Another sworn enemy of capitalism and shaving.

What have you Marxists got against shaving, anyway?

Look, I'm not a Marxist.

As a matter of fact, I'm a Maoist.

Oh, yes.

I've noticed your eyes are getting quite horizontal

these days.

It'll be all those crispy noodles you've been eating.

How can you be a Maoist in a local election?

As far as I can see, it's a straight fight

between conservative and labor with modest intervention

from the liberals.

So unless they're putting someone up from the lotus,

your vote's gonna be wasted.

I shall vote labor, of course.

Oh, what do you mean?

[laughs] You've never had a pair of overalls on in your life.

No, the workers and the students must unite, right?

We must link arms against the common enemy.

[laughs] Anyone linking arms with you?

Not in those trousers.

I can just see you linking arms with a six-foot steel worker,

[laughs] swapping your cucumber sandwiches

for his three-inch jam butties.

What are you gonna do?

Offer him a glass of red wine and a whiff of your aftershave?

He won't know what to make of you.

Oh.

[laughs] Oh, dear, oh, dear.

Not another one.

[laughs] I thought he was a funny-looking Maoist,

but you're ridiculous.

What do you mean?

Well, neither does the Chinaman.

You leave a lot to be desired.

Don't you know their theory?

Well, you see, the Chinese believe that when god made us,

he put us all in the oven to bake.

Apparently, he took us out before we were ready.

The Chinese were done to a golden turn.

And you lot were burnt to a bloody crisp.

You see, whichever way you look at it, as a Chinaman,

you're a definite failure.

We're not talking about race, Rigsby.

We're talking about a political philosophy.

Oh, yes.

And you can't vote it, anyway.

You're not eligible.

At least I can lend my support.

What for?

I mean, you should be on our side.

Son of a chief.

Oh, I know what it is.

Yes, you feel guilty.

- No, I don't. - Yes, you do.

You've been beastly to the servants.

Now, look, Rigsby,

[laughs] He wants to be popular.

He wants to be carried shoulder-high

around the mud huts.

[laughs] Yeah, well, you better watch it.

You start talking about equality,

they might notice your hut's a bit bigger than theirs.

Carry you shoulder-high, then, mate,

right down the crocodile pool.

I didn't expect you to understand, Rigsby.

You're a reactionary.

No, I'm not.

PHILIP: You want to bring back hanging.

So what?

A lot of people want to bring back hanging, mate.

Not in public, Rigsby.

Anyway, you should talk. What about your country, eh?

Want to change the government there,

they send for the skinning man. - That's not true.

We have democratic elections.

PHILIP: Oh, yeah.

It's what happens to the losers.

What do you mean?

It's not a pretty sight.

What happens to them, then?

Well, they take two saplings and tie them together,

then they tie a leg to each and cut the rope.

Oooh.

Hey.

That's one way of losing your deposit.

It's a good idea.

I saw that in a Tarzan film once.

We ought to do that to the Tories.

I can just hear the sound of ripping pinstripes.

Oh, very funny, yes.

What have you got against the Tory party, anyway?

What about their three-day week?

I don't know what you're complaining about.

The five-day one never suited you.

Anyway, that's not our fault. You

can blame that on those mates of yours, the one

with the little lights on their heads.

You can't blame the miners, mate.

They were only after a decent living wage.

Geez.

You'd believe anything, wouldn't you?

Don't you know what's behind all these strikes, all this-- all

this political unrest?

Russian gold.

Russian gold?

That's insane.

My god, they've certainly taken you in, haven't they, eh?

[laughs] You've only got to see the Red Army ensemble dancing

around, singing "Little Brown Jug," and you

think they're marvelous.

Well, you're not using this place as a center

for subversion, all right?

- Subversion? - Yeah.

There's no political meetings here, all right?

And you can stop giving that clenched fist salute as well.

I've got my position to think of.

I was hoping to enter the round table canoe race this year.

All we're after is a fairer society, right?

All we want is more sharing.

Oh, yeah?

Is that why you keep squeezing Ms. Jones's toothpaste?

What she thinks to all this, I can't imagine.

- Ruth agrees with that. - Yeah.

Too right, man. She's on our side.

Oh, yes, well, for your information,

Ms. Jones is a don't know.

ALAN: Uh-uh.

Ah, she was a don't know, but I had a long session with her

the other night.

She knows now.

Oh, yeah?

Well, I had a long session with her yesterday,

and she agreed with every word I said.

That's because she's frightened

you'll cut her water off.

We'll see about that.

Excuse me, Ms. Jones.

Hi.

I've just heard the most disturbing news.

In fact, I could hardly believe my ears.

It's not true, Mr. Rigsby.

We're just good friends.

What is it?

Pardon?

I mean, about the election.

Oh, the election.

Yes, yes.

I mean, those two upstairs have just

had the nerve to say that you're going to vote labor.

Oh, yes, I know.

Philip can be so persuasive.

Oh, but you can't, Ms. Jones-- not a woman of your background.

Well, to tell you the truth, I simply can't make up my mind.

I feel so responsible, especially after watching

"Shoulder to Shoulder."

I keep thinking of all those women chaining

themselves to railings.

Yes, but I explained it all to you yesterday, Ms. Jones.

I know.

Yes, I mean, don't you remember?

I showed you how we were going to balance the payments,

encourage investment, eradicate unemployment,

and cure inflation.

Don't you remember?

I did it on the back of that cigarette pack.

Yes, I know.

But you see, I still have doubts.

Yes, well, I can understand that, Ms. Jones,

but you must remember, our world is in danger.

What world is that, Mr. Rigsby?

Our world, Ms. Jones--

the Sunday afternoon game of tennis.

The sound of ball against gut.

Scattered applause from the deckchairs.

I didn't know you played tennis.

Oh, I was never off the course before me strings went.

I mean, I still remember those days, Ms. Jones.

I can see it now, you know, the sun

slanting through the French windows

as we sipped our iced lemonade.

I mean, that is our word, Ms. Jones.

Yes.

I did used to go with the young farmers,

but Daddy never really approved.

But they did tend to be a little robust.

I think it came from watching all those animals.

After the polls have closed, Ms. Jones, a Colonel de Vere

Brown and his good lady will be having some of us back

to the manor for a celebration drink,

served by the butler in the library, of course.

I wondered if you'd care to come.

Well, I don't know.

I'm not sure about Colonel de Vere Brown.

Why?

What have you got against him, Ms. Jones?

I'm afraid I don't like his eyes.

Oh, you can't vote against him because of his eyes, Ms. Jones.

I mean, what's wrong with them.

Well, don't you think they're rather cold?

Probably the glossy paper.

Are you sure it's not all those bloodsports he follows?

Don't know about that.

I know he watches Leeds United.

Well, I've seen pictures of him in "Colonel Life,"

and he's usually standing knee-deep

in a pile of blood-stained feathers

with both barrels smoking.

He's got to relax sometime.

I thought they were trying to get away

from the grouse-sh**ting image.

Well, most of those sort of men

go in for sh**ting, Ms. Jones.

It helps them to take their mind off things.

I'm sure it does the same for the grouse.

Now, if you don't mind, Mr. Rigsby--

I can assure you, Ms. Jones, he is not inhuman.

He's got a lovely pair of Labradors.

Well, I'll think about it.

Because I was, you know, rather

counting on you, Ms. Jones.

You know, I put you down for a car.

I don't need a car, Mr. Rigsby.

I'm not quite decrepit.

No, no, of course not, Ms. Jones.

I do have a pair of legs, you know?

Yes, of course, Ms. Jones.

Very-- very nice pair too, if I may say so.

I was saying to the butcher only the other day--

Come on, Vienna. Come on.

Come on.

Hey, hey, look.

How many times have I told you about putting

red ribbons on Vienna?

That cat's conservative.

At least he is during the daytime.

All right? Go on.

Off you go.

And you can take them--

I'm not having these up here.

[SINGING] The people's flag--

And you can stop that row as well.

If Colonel de Vere Brown only knew-- will you shut up?

[SINGING] Or ere their limbs--

Yeah.

Yeah.

You know your trouble, Rigsby?

You're a snob.

The way you worship the upper classes--

Well, at least they know how to behave.

At least they're gentleman. - Gentlemen?

Yeah, you wouldn't know the meaning of the word, of course.

What about those rugby scrums, eh?

When they all stand back, and somebody's ear

rolls on the floor?

That is character-building.

You ought to remember the depression, mate.

I don't need to.

I get it every time I come up here.

And-- and the hunger marches.

Hunger mar-- the only hunger march you have been on is

when you creep downstairs to one of Ms. Jones's custard creams.

Oh.

Oh, my god.

Look at that.

Oh, dear, oh, dear.

What a face.

[laughs] Dear.

Would you buy a second-hand car from this man?

You have a job.

He sells baby clothes. - Oh, yeah.

Just look at him. What a face.

- He's a good speaker. - Good speaker?

He's a demagogue.

You've only got to look at those eyes.

Look.

Ranting and raving, whipping his audience into a frenzy.

I don't know what gets into him.

It must be all those years among the soft toys.

My god.

Look at those eyes.

Wild, drunk with power.

My god.

Couldn't trust the bloke.

Evening.

Couldn't trust the bloke, could-- would you-- would you--

tru--

[playful music]

Hey, was that you who stuffed that down?

Someone's eaten the top off your cornet.

Oh, very fu--

oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

You can't hold political meetings here.

This is a private house.

You know, I must say that I'm really very

surprised that a man of your intelligence voting

for de Vere Brown. - What do you mean?

Well, you've only got to look at him.

He's got no chin.

Oh, don't be-- of course he's got a chin.

Oh, he's a decent-enough chap.

Quite sound on Dutch Elm disease and swine fever,

but completely lost on the important national issue.

PHILIP: Quite right.

Look, we're not interested in the important national issues

around here.

We're more interested in who's been fouling the footpath.

Well, with those two Labradors,

you won't have to look very far, will you?

Oh, yeah, very funny.

At least we get those Gypos moved

from down the end of the lane.

I'm quite sure he will.

He's had a lot of experience.

Do you realize that his ancestors actually roasted

peasants over open fire?

But he's too remote.

He's no idea of the enormous sacrifices that have to be made.

Ah, now that's where you're wrong.

You wait a minute now.

During that last crisis, there was only one

light burning in his house, and he shared

the bathwater with his wife.

Well, it's about the only thing he did share,

and I bet he got into it first.

What did he tell the strikers' wives, eh?

No more sexual relations till the men went back to work.

He did not say that.

He said no more hot dinners.

Well, we all know what he meant by that, don't we?

Oh, yeah, you should talk.

What about that cottage you got in Wales

and your Filipino houseboy?

[laughs]

What do you mean?

They're going to be a definite embarrassment when

the Russians land, aren't they?

Not to mention all those shares you've got in ICI.

Rigsby, I absolutely refuse to discuss

my private affairs with you.

That's a cheap Tory jibe.

I see exactly what you mean about him.

I shall go straight down to the committee room.

Right. Off you go.

Keep up the good work, dear boys.

[LAUGHING] Oh, oh, dear boys.

[laughs] Hey, you've not been linking arms with him, have you?

[laughs] - What's so funny?

What's so funny?

Did you see the way he was holding that cigarette?

My god, he shouldn't be with you.

He should be with the g*y Liberation Front.

That's typical of you.

What are you trying to say?

Well, he's a middle-class puff.

Anyone could see that.

Well, you can't think of a political argument, can you?

So you resort to that.

You know as well as I do, he spends

half his time at the ballet.

A lot of people go to the ballet.

Yes, but not with the 25-year-old milkman, they don't.

That's a cheap smear, Rigsby.

Well, I'm not standing around here bandying words with you.

I'm going off to the-- now, look.

No more posters of anyone, all right?

Of course not, Rigsby.

After all, it is your house.

Yeah.

As long as you remember that.

[knocking]

Oh.

Excuse me.

My-- my name is Platt.

I'm your liberal candidate.

[laughs] Oh, yes.

You're much nicer than the other two.

I'm rather new to all this.

Well, I'm sure you're doing awfully well.

Won't you sit down?

Thank you.

Oh.

Oh, I can see you've been studying form.

Yes.

Can I depend upon your vote, Ms.--

Ms.--

Ms. Jones.

Actually, I've always been rather liberal.

It's my nature.

On the other hand, I suppose what people

would call a political virgin.

I don't seem to be able to take the plunge.

Oh, I see.

You mean you're a don't know

No, I wouldn't exactly say that.

I just need a little convincing.

Well, of course, the personal approach is most important.

That's why I've been going out, meeting people,

you know, shaking hands.

We always say you can't beat skin to skin.

Oh, absolutely.

I do think it's important to get to know

one's candidate thoroughly.

Don't you agree?

Oh, yes.

Would you like a pen?

Oh, thank you.

Are you married, Mr. Platt.

No.

[laughs]

Isn't that a coincidence?

Neither am I. I suppose we're both don't knows,

waiting for the right candidate.

I think I really ought to be going.

Oh, no, please stay a little longer.

You must be quite parched after all that public speaking.

Oh, what warm hands you've got.

Bloody hell, dozens all morning.

Mr. Rigsby, this is Mr. Platt, our liberal candidate.

Hello, Mr. Rigsby.

RUTH JONES: I was just going to get a coffee.

Would you like one, Mr. Rigsby?

I could certainly do with something, Ms. Jones.

Won't be a moment.

Thought it would be a good idea if I introduce myself.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

I saw you yesterday, speaking at the Coin Exchange.

Really?

Yeah.

What did you think?

I was riveted.

Couldn't take my eyes off you.

MR. PLATT: Really?

That's most encouraging.

Yeah, your flies were undone.

See, I'm-- I'm rather a new boy at all this.

That's why I've been going, meeting people, walk about,

you know, kissing a few babies.

Well, you're taking a chance, aren't you?

The mothers don't do that around here.

You can catch anything from chicken pox to beriberi,

you know?

But I do think it's most important-- shaking flesh.

You've not been doing that here.

Beg your pardon?

Because you're wasting your time.

She is spoken for.

Oh, I thought she was weakening.

Hm, I thought that for years.

Probably another false dawn.

Look, Mr. Rigsby, I know you have your beliefs--

Hmm.

--but we do have your interests at heart.

We intend to do an awful lot for the old-age pensioners.

Cheaper meals, bus--

Just a minute.

But I'm not a pensioner.

That's 12 months labor misrule.

And I was quite young before they got in.

Anyway, why do you always have to go on

about the old-age pensioners?

What we need in this country is euthanasia.

Wait a minute, Mr. Rigsby, that's going a little--

Yeah.

And all those Christmas bonuses they get?

Knackered.

You should have seen 'em last night in the Blue Ram.

You couldn't get near the counter, for pensioners.

They were all on shorts.

Hey, by the way, I meant to-- is that your car out there?

Oh, yes.

Oh, dear, dear, you should have left it under the light.

They use hubcaps for ashtrays around here.

They're all communists.

They don't believe in private property-- well,

unless it's theirs, of course.

Good lord. Is that the time?

RIGSBY: Easily.

Well, I really must be going.

I've got such a lot to do.

Must get down to the committee rooms.

So sorry, Ms. Jones.

You did mean the Mini?

Yes.

Yes.

It's not mine.

It's my mother's.

What a pity.

He's such a charming man.

Oh, you see, maybe, but you can't vote for him.

He had a lovely handshake.

Hmm, flesh to flesh, they call that, don't they?

That's not all.

He gave me something.

Hm.

What was that, Ms. Jones?

A ballpoint.

I would have thought that contravened the regulations.

And you had a lovely smile.

Yes, but you can't vote for a smile, Ms. Jones.

It isn't Miss World.

I mean, you must vote for party and principle.

We must stick together.

We must have party loyalty.

Hey.

You coming to vote, Ruth?

Oh, god, you never give up, do you?

Have you decided?

No, I'm absolutely torn.

Everyone's so convincing.

Well, you can't vote for 'em all.

It's not the three draws.

Ruth, you promised.

Look, you keep out of this.

You can't bribe Ms. Jones with a sunshade and a few beads.

I told you which way to vote.

Oh, do you hear that?

See, I told-- yes, 'cause in this country,

the women do as they're told.

No women's lib out there.

No, march 10 paces behind with a pot on your head.

Actually, Philip, I do have a mind as well as a body.

RIGSBY: Yes. - Of course.

I just thought you were more intelligent than to be

influenced by Rigsby.

[knocking]

Oh, there's somebody else come to see how we're gonna vote.

Right.

You'd better make up your mind, Ms. Jones.

Time is running out.

Oh, Colonel de Vere Brown, this is an unexpected pleasure.

Come in. Come in.

Thank you.

Rupert, Bella, heel.

Oh.

[laughs] Yes.

I just called, Mr., um--

Um, Rig-- Rig--

Rig-- don't you remember me?

What?

You must have seen me standing around the billiard room.

I don't quite follow.

Down-- down-- down the club.

Yes.

I thought your face was familiar.

Yes, yes.

You'll know me better once we've met over the green baize.

What?

Oh, of course.

Glad to see you're one of the faithful, Ragsby.

Oh, yes.

Rigs-- Colonel de Vere Brown.

Yes, yes, yes.

Yes, you can count on me.

Good man.

I was just doing the rounds, trying to flush a few more out.

Yes, yes, of course. Yes.

[laughs]

Rupert, come here.

Oh.

Sorry about that.

That's all right.

It'll scrape off.

Lovely dog, isn't she?

Yes.

Wonderful mouth.

Well, have you got your people out yet?

Well, it's been very hard work, Colonel.

Yes, but we mustn't give up.

No, no, no, of course not. No.

I flushed out quite a few down the road.

Yes, yes.

But of course, you've got the Labradors.

What?

- [growls] - Oh.

[laughs]

Yes.

How's the-- how's the-- the bang-- the bang-bang?

How's the sh**ting gone, though, this year?

- Oh, not so good. - Oh.

The birds all got this dreadful disease, all flapping

around on the floor.

Oh, dear, foul pest.

What?

Yeah, well, it's very nasty, yes.

As a matter of fact, I have something I've shot myself,

Colonel.

Oh, I didn't know that.

Oh, yes, yes.

You know, quick eye, you know, natural reflexes.

You know, sudden movement, whir of feathers,

and I'm round, you know, bam-bam.

[laughs] Another one for the pot.

[laughs]

Yes.

That's very interesting.

Well, we're been having trouble getting old people out, eh?

Yeah, well, it's been a bit of an uphill task, Colonel.

I'm afraid they don't appreciate the finer things of life

around here, I'm afraid.

They're mostly communists, you know.

Oh, I'm not surprised, Ragsby.

Just look at this place.

See the damp.

You know what this is, don't you?

The unacceptable face of capitalism.

What?

How much do they charge for the rent here?

Um, what do you mean?

Well, how much a week?

Well, six.

Six?

Scandalous.

You ought to put him in front of the rent tribunal.

Just a minute--

[stammering]

Don't worry, Ragsby.

I understand.

Frightened of the landlord.

Nasty piece of work, I suppose.

Well, we intend doing something about this place when we get in.

Probably have it pulled down.

Build some flats for single tenants.

Stop all this exploitation.

Just a minute.

You can't pull this place down.

This is my home.

Don't worry.

You'll be all right.

We'll find you a place.

No, I mean, look, I am the landlord, you great pudding.

What?

You're supposed to be on my side.

You're supposed to protect the landlord.

Not your sort of landlord, Ragsby.

I remember you now.

You're the chap they disqualified

from the billiards competition for wetting

the end of your opponent's cue.

That was a lie.

The party can do without people like you, Ragsby.

And I can do--

Rigsby-- and I can do without you,

you great public school twit.

Oh, you wouldn't play to lose with me, would you?

Not good enough. No, no.

Just 'cause I wasn't born with a silver spoon in my mouth.

Yes, well, I can get along without you, mate.

I'm a self-made man. Now, go on.

Get out of here, and take those dirty tykes with you

before I set the cat on 'em. Go on.

Don't worry, Ragsby. I'm going.

Go on Yes.

Rupert.

Bella.

And don't bother to come into the billiard room again, Ragsby,

I won't.

[SHOUTING] Rigsby,

Come on, Ruth. The polling--

You said we were--

We're short by the time you've made your--

All right, where are those placards of yours?

Yeah. Why?

Here, I'll tell you why.

There's just been a 10% swing to the left.

But Mr. Rigsby, you said--

Never mind what I said.

I can change me mind.

How does song of yours go?

[SINGING] The people's flag is deepest red

It shrouded oft our martyred dead

[closing music]