01x03 - A Night Out

[bunniefuu]

[music playing]

Good heavens.

Look at the-- who is this well-dressed stranger?

Could it be Count Dracula popped in from the dead

to have a quick bite?

Why don't you give it a rest?

It's Rigsby.

It's Rigsby.

I didn't recognize him. Did you?

No, it must be the suit.

I've never seen you in a suit before, Rigsby.

Have you had a bereavement?

I came over here to see what you thought,

but you're just going to be funny, of course.

No, no, don't go, Rigsby.

Let's have a look at you.

My god, when did you last wear this?

VJ night?

Listen, mate, this is a good suit.

This is real quality.

You feel that material.

This is thorn proof.

Feels b*llet proof to me.

Get off.

Don't listen to him, Rigsby.

You look very smart.

Thank you very much.

Well, I knew you knew more about clothes.

As a matter of fact, that's why I came up here.

I'd like your opinion.

Now, be honest.

I don't mind.

Well, if I may make a criticism.

RIGSBY: Yes?

It is a little dull.

Dull?

Yes.

It would be for you, wouldn't it?

What do you mean?

Not enough bright colors, I suppose.

I'm not talking about bright colors.

I don't like bright colors.

What?

Give you a bale of colored cloth, you'd dance till sunset.

As a matter of fact, Rigsby, my favorite color

happens to be black.

Black?

You couldn't wear black.

You'd disappear.

Rigsby, when I said your suit was dull,

I didn't mean the color.

I simply meant there is no style, no flair.

It's dull.

I suppose you'd improve it with a few beads and a shrunken

head.

I think one shrunken head's enough, Rigsby.

I knew I was wasting my time coming up.

What do you two know about fashion, anyway?

We know enough not to wear white scarves and kid gloves.

Listen, mate, silk scarf and white gloves,

you can go anywhere in these.

That's more than you could.

You look like one of the untouchables.

I'll give you an--

you should talk, mike.

I was walking behind you yesterday.

It was a bloody disgrace.

What do you mean?

The bloke's outside the Blue Ram

were making bets on which sex you were.

All you needed was a handbag.

And those trousers.

What's wrong with them?

God, they're crippling you.

You keep wearing those, mate, In two years,

you'll be singing soprano.

At least there's plenty of room in this suit.

Where'd you get it?

Off a dead German?

As a matter of fact, Spooner threw it out.

It's not flare enough for him.

He's very fussy about his clothes.

I thought I could smell his cologne.

Hey, are you sure he's a wrestler?

He smells more like a male model.

Well, don't let him hear you say that, mate.

He'll tear your head off.

They don't call him The Animal for nothing, you know?

Have you got any suits of your own then?

There's my demob suit.

Don't you worry.

A bit past it now, of course.

No, I couldn't wear it.

All the linings in the pockets have gone,

you know, with carrying too much small change.

You know, put your hands in your pockets,

you find yourself clutching your kneecaps.

Those suits are coming back, you know?

They're very fashionable. - No, no, no.

It's very, very shiny.

If I stand in a strong light, I start shimmering.

No, no, that wouldn't be any good at all.

I'll have to--

Rigsby, you haven't told us why you're all dressed up.

What's the special occasion?

Don't you know?

You got any idea at all?

No.

You're a heartless pair, you two.

It just happens to be Miss Jones's birthday.

Are you sure?

I saw the cards arrive this morning.

He's right.

She mentioned it last week.

I've just remembered.

You're a bit late now, aren't you?

Two cards, that's all she had.

Yeah, bet she's down there sobbing her socks off.

Not that you two care at all.

Probably hasn't even got a birthday cake, just a bit

of Swiss roll.

Well, it's not good enough.

A birthday can be a very emotional

time for a woman like that, you know, living on her own.

She'd be sitting down there in her blue glasses,

looking back over the years.

And what's she got to show for it, hey?

A couple of cards and a Swiss roll.

I wonder how old she is.

Never you mind.

Anyway, the point is this, what are we going to do about it?

What can we do about it now?

Well, I have already done something.

What?

I've booked a table at the--

the Grange.

The Grange?

They'll never let you in there.

I beg your pardon.

Look, you've already been banned from the British Legion

for poking that stripper with a stick of celery.

What makes you think you'll be welcome at the Grange.

Look, they won't let you past the door dressed like that.

It just so happens, I know Charlie Briggs, the manager,

all right?

Oh, yeah, I bet he was in your mob during the w*r.

No, no, he should have been.

Actually, he spent most of the w*r in the false roof

behind the water tank.

Have you asked Ruth if she wants to go?

Well, no, as a matter of fact, I haven't.

That's why I came up here.

I thought, if I asked her, she might get the wrong idea,

you know?

What do you mean, wrong idea?

Well, you know, she might think--

you know, she might get the idea that--

never mind what wrong idea.

Are you coming, or aren't you? - No.

I can't go to the Grange.

I ain't got any money.

You've never got any money, have you?

Have you taken a vow of poverty or something?

You know I can't manage on my grant.

Here we go.

I can feel the tears coming already.

All right, I'll pay for you.

Ooh, thanks, Rigsby.

I'll put it on your rent.

What about you, Philip?

No, I'm not paying for him as well.

No, I was only asking if you wanted to come.

Oh.

Well, do you?

Yes, why not?

Good.

Now, you go and ask her.

Suppose she refuses?

Go on, quick, before she gets her blue glasses on.

RUTH: Who is it?

It's Philip.

Can I see you for a moment?

RUTH: No. - Come on, Ruth.

Open the door.

You know you don't want to see me.

PHILIP: I do. - No, you don't.

Go away.

Well, if that's how you feel.

If you're going to stand there all night,

I'll have to let you in.

I suppose you've just remembered it's my birthday.

Many happy returns, Ruth.

Oh, be quiet.

I feel old.

You're not old.

Well, I'm older than you.

How old are you?

Never mind that.

I look old.

Ruth, you're an attractive woman.

You know you don't mean that.

Yes, I do.

You are.

You're very attractive.

Well, I'm not going to argue with you.

A man did call out to me today as I was on my way home.

What did he say?

He said, hello, beautiful.

There you are, you see?

I think he was drunk.

And why should you think that?

Because after he said it, he sank

down in the middle of the road.

Well, you're still an attractive woman, you are.

You don't look a day over 30.

I am not a day over 30.

And anyway, if I'm so attractive,

why am I spending my birthday here alone?

I should be exchanging g*y repartee with beautiful friends.

I should be surrounded with laughter and clinking glasses.

Instead of which, I'm trying to decide whether to do the ironing

or try on another mud pack.

Ruth, you are not alone.

Well, I may just as well be.

No one ever talks to me here.

I wish I'd never left the badminton club.

But they never talked to you there.

Well, at least we shouted the score to each other.

And they'd have remembered my birthday.

But I have remembered your birthday.

What?

We're going to the Grange.

Philip, why didn't you tell me before?

I shouldn't have gone on like this.

The Grange?

Oh, it'll be so exciting.

There'll be dancing by candlelight.

Oh, it'll be so romantic, just the two of us.

Well, not just the two of us.

Da-da.

Is it all right?

Yeah, of course it's all right.

I told you. He's out.

Well, I don't know.

Spooner's very funny about his clothes.

He knocked a bloke down three flights of stairs

once just for wearing his hat.

Look, he never gets back before 2:00, does he, hey?

You'll have returned it by then, won't you?

Hey, what about this?

I'm not wearing that.

Why not?

Look, I'm going there to eat.

Not play in the band.

Look, this is the sort of thing they were there.

Come on, try it on.

There.

What do you think?

No, no, no.

Think think of it, Rigsby.

Think of it.

There'll be candlelight, orchestra playing

in the background, you in a tuxedo.

She won't be able to resist.

But look at all this stuff.

That's the sort of thing they wear there.

Look, you can't wear this, can you, hey?

You don't look out of place, do you?

Wait a minute.

Wait, it's not me who's going to look out of place.

What about our friend here?

Why should Philip look out of place?

Well, it may have escaped your notice,

but he's a bit on the dark side.

They happen to notice that sort of thing at the Grange.

You better tell him to stick close to me.

Who are you going to stick close to?

Look, then there's the knives and forks.

Well, what about the knives and forks?

Well, I mean, they'll be laid out there in front of him

like surgical instruments, won't they?

What do you think he's going to do?

Eat with his bare hands?

That's what I'm saying.

We don't know what he's going to do, do we?

That's why we don't want him dropping any clangers.

Don't want him drinking out the finger bowl, do we?

And what about this?

I think I might wear this myself.

Does it light up?

It's a clip-on, of course.

I prefer to tie one on myself.

Spooner will tie one on if he finds out, I'll tell you.

Hey, you wearing that?

It's not too bad, is it?

It looks fantastic on you.

Yeah, of course, I've got the figure to carry it off, I know.

Yes, I think, perhaps--

yes, I think, perhaps, tonight's the night.

I think, perhaps, she is going to be rather

surprised when she sees me.

Yes.

[knock on door]

Yes.

Just thought I'd let you know, the taxi's arrived.

Yes, I'm nearly ready.

Mr. Rigsby.

What do you think, Ms. Jones?

Well, yes, you look very distinguished.

Thank you.

Well, I've always believed in paying for dressing, you know?

I think it's the shoulders that does it really.

And after all, it is your birthday.

We've got to celebrate it in the proper fashion, haven't we?

I've taken the liberty of a little corsage for you.

Corsage?

It's got a pin in.

Ooh.

Hang on, Ms. Jones.

It's all right.

There.

I hope you don't mind.

I've brought you a little present.

Oh, Mr. Rigsby, you shouldn't have.

Just a small token of my esteem, Ms. Jones.

Oh, thank you.

What is it?

Perfume.

Oh, how lovely.

It's called Ritual in the Dark.

I don't think I know that one.

No, no, you wouldn't.

It's very exclusive.

It's for the woman who has everything,

well, almost everything.

I thought of you instantly.

It blends the scent of limes with the subtle aroma

of sandalwood and tangerine, combined,

of course, with various aromatic oils known only to the eunuchs.

I believe it's guaranteed to set the senses reeling.

It's very kind of you, Mr. Rigsby.

It also contains an atomizer spray,

dusting powder, moisturizing body lotion,

and perfume bubble beads.

It's very, very kind of you.

Not at all, Ms. Jones.

I'm glad you like it.

Would you like to try a little drop now behind your ear

or somewhere else?

What it's like.

Certainly.

Not too much, Ms. Jones.

We've got to get you through the streets safely.

There.

May I?

Oh my word. it is intoxicating.

My head is really reeling already.

I think the taxi is ready.

Oh my god. Be careful.

Don't move, Ms. Jones. - What is it?

Keep quite still.

Little blighters, these spiders, aren't they?

They get everywhere.

Yes, yes, they're getting bolder every day.

Mr. Rigsby, that was my eyelash.

[music playing]

Trust him to show a clean pair of heels

when it comes to the fair.

Now, look, Philip.

Look, before we go in, it's all right.

Don't be nervous.

What?

If anybody says anything to you, you're with me, OK?

- Yes. - Right, good.

Now, here we are, you see, swing doors.

Now, you've got to be careful here

because they're a bit different from the old beaded curtains,

you see?

You've got to be very sharpish, otherwise--

Ah, hello, Charlie.

And where do you think you are going, sir?

Just going in.

Oh, no, you're not. Outside.

What you mean, outside? I've got a table.

Tables are all taken.

I know.

I've booked one.

Hello, Charles.

Good evening, Mr. Smith.

Is there some difficulty.

Oh, is this gentleman with you?

Yes.

Oh, I'm sorry about that, sir, but one can't

be too careful these days.

[music playing]

You care for some more wine, Ms. Jones?

Do you think I should?

My face is glowing.

Ms. Jones, you look radiant.

Not too much.

If I have any more, I should do something silly.

Oh, we'd better have another bottle.

Waiter, thank you.

Could we have another--

I say, could we--

could we have just another-- another bottle.

Same again, please.

Thank you, sir.

Thank you.

Yes, I've never seen you by candlelight before, Ms. Jones.

The effect is quite magical.

Mr. Rigsby.

You know, you really grace a dinner table, a woman like you,

you know?

Stimulating the conversation.

Pushing around the mints.

Yes, we should really do this more often.

Yes.

It was such a good idea of yours to come, Philip.

I'm glad you're enjoying it.

This place has such an ambience.

Don't you agree, Mr. Rigsby?

Oh, yes, yes.

I mean, everything's so Gothic.

And those t*rture instruments on the wall,

they're absolutely genuine.

Oh, yes, of course they're genuine.

That's in case you can't pay, yeah.

Yeah, they don't make you wash up here.

They just screw you up in an iron boot.

[music playing]

The music's started.

Oh, it's simply ages since I've danced.

Yes, of course, Ms. Jones, certainly.

Right.

Bloody cheek.

Where have you been?

Don't go to the bogs.

Why not?

The bloke in there brushing you down, asking you

if you've had a nice holiday.

Costs you 10p to get out.

Should have shown him your Barclaycard.

Most expensive one I've ever had.

Mind you, he said I look well.

Some people will say anything for 10p.

My, what you expect in here.

You won't get it for a penny here, you know?

This place reminds me of a visit to my Aunt Hilda's--

a big hello and a small sherry.

The only difference is, her cobwebs were genuine.

A bit better than the Blue Ram, hey?

At least they don't spit on your shoes.

This is a life, hey?

A nice, inoffensive little wine, a good nose,

little immature, but could improve.

It's more than you do, you defensive little wally.

It tastes like metal polish.

You're just not used to the good life.

Oh, yes, I suppose you are, are you?

Yeah.

Well, let me tell you something.

You're the only bloke I know who sandwiches his peas.

My god, and you can stop c*ck your little finger like that.

It doesn't impress anyone.

The way you attacked that food tonight,

I didn't know where to look.

Those choppers of yours are the nearest thing

to perpetual motion I've ever seen.

My god, you're supposed to put the food

on the back of your fork.

Didn't you know?

And your pie crust flew across the table, I didn't know--

All right.

Hey, where's Ruth and Philip?

Over here dancing.

He's taken a lot on himself, hasn't he?

I still want to know why he ordered the meal.

Well, you couldn't do it.

It was all in French.

I was managing till he stuck his oar in.

We didn't come here to have place and chips four times,

Rigsby.

I just don't know why he can't take the hint.

I've been giving him the nod all evening.

How am I going to get her on her own if he carries on like this?

Look at him now.

Look at this.

Look at that.

He'll be arching his back, passing

under the table in a minute.

I feel very sorry for Ms. Jones, you know?

She can't be enjoying it.

She looks as though she's having a good time.

No, no, she's just being polite.

She'd much prefer a slow waltz.

Now, that's where I'm going to score.

He couldn't do a slow waltz to save his life.

His feet are all wrong.

If he tries a reverse turn, he'll be arse over elbow.

You wait till they do a slow waltz.

If this lot can do one without electrocuting themselves.

What about a waltz then?

Shh.

Everything to your satisfaction, gentlemen?

Oh, fine.

Oh, yes, yes.

My word, you've come a long way from that tea urn in the market,

hey, Charlie?

I beg your pardon?

I can still see you and your dad

standing behind that urn with those plates

of curly sandwiches.

Well, there was nothing wrong with those sandwiches.

I can understand you being loyal to them.

They were in the family a long time.

Couldn't call the fresh, though, could you?

We never had any complaints.

Never had any-- hah, you couldn't get near that counter,

the food inspectors.

And what about that tea, hey?

And what was wrong with the tea?

Oh, it could crawl out of that urn.

You see, it was Charlie's job to dash past the tea

and at high speed with a tea bag.

Would you mind keeping your voice down?

You're annoying the other guests.

Don't they know about the store then, Charlie?

And don't call me Charlie.

Now, look, I know you.

You're a troublemaker.

I'm going to keep a very close eye on this table.

And if there's any trouble from either of you, you're out.

Poor old Charlie, he never did have much sense of humor.

He haven't brought the bill yet.

RIGSBY: It'll be worth it for Ms. Jones.

Haven't you noticed her this evening?

Radiant. It's a different woman.

You see, it's a new environment.

I should have done this before.

You see, for the first time, she's beginning to look at me

as a man, not as a landlord.

Are you sure?

You watch for the signs, mate.

If she leaves her hand on mine just that shade too long,

you make yourself scarce, all right?

- Rigsby. - What are you doing?

Get off.

Is that Spooner over there?

- What? - It is.

It is. He's coming this way.

God, quick, quick, he'll m*rder me

if he sees me in this jacket.

Get rid of him, quick.

Go on, get rid of him.

Hello, Alan.

Hello, Spooner.

I didn't know you came here.

Oh, now and then, now and then.

You better not let the old skinflint know,

otherwise he'll be putting your rent up.

Wait a minute.

That's my tie.

What?

You're wearing my tie.

Well, I just thought I'd borrow it-- borrow it, Spooner.

Nobody borrows my thing.

But Spooner, I--

And in future, keep out of my room.

What's he done to you?

He's taken a tie.

Oh, I thought he'd cut your throat.

Might well have done.

Don't let you in here if you haven't got a tie on.

Well, you're in now. You're all right.

You're in.

You think they'll chuck me out?

For not wearing a tie?

Of course not.

Just give you a couple of turns on the rack, that's all.

Skinflint, hey? i shall remember that.

Just wait till he wants to take a bath.

There's going to be a sudden absence of hot water.

Thank you, Philip.

You're such a natural dancer.

Dancer?

Is that what you call it?

I thought he was trying to bring rain.

Wish I could do it.

You don't call that dancing, do you?

Letting yourself go like that.

Well, personally, think it's indecent.

Well, you know what it's like when we hear that music, Rigsby.

I'm hoping to have a go on the bongos later.

If I help it, you won't.

It's about time we had some decent music,

some Strauss, civilized music, couples gliding

across the floor as one.

[music playing]

Now's your chance, Rigsby.

All right, all right, don't rush me.

Don't rush me.

Ms. Jones, may I have the pleasure of this waltz, please?

Certainly, Mr. Rigsby.

Thank you.

It's all right, Ms. Jones.

If it gets tricky, don't worry.

Just follow me, all right?

What's he doing?

He's dancing.

That's how they used to do it in the olden days.

He's like a different fella, isn't he?

It's incredible.

Crikey.

There's Spooner.

Hi, Spooner.

What are you doing in my tuxedo, Rigsby?

Dancing, what do you think I'm doing?

You've been in my wardrobe, haven't you?

Look, look, [indistinct] Spooner.

I'm with a lady.

I want my tuxedo.

Look, look, I've only borrowed it.

You can have it back by 12:00.

Oh, can I?

Well, I got news for you, Cinderella.

The ball's over, and your coach has just

turned back into a pumpkin.

Now, give me my tuxedo.

I've never been so humiliated in all my life.

I shall never be able to come back to this place again.

Take me home, Philip.

Well, look what you've done.

You've ruined it now.

Well, I don't want it back.

And you ain't going to get any more rent

out of me until it's paid for.

Where is she?

She's gone.

Was she annoyed?

What do you think?

It's a good job for Spooner the magistrates

don't allow me one more punch.

What did he have to turn up for now?

I was near to it there.

She was definitely weakening.

I understand there's been a disturbance on the dance floor.

A disturbance?

I wouldn't call it a disturbance.

Would you call this a disturbance?

No, no, I wouldn't call it a disturbance.

Just a gentle ripple.

My god, what's this?

Hey, look at this.

Excuse me, sir, but you are not wearing a tie.

No, no, no, no.

We have a very strict rule here

about gentlemen wearing ties.

It's to keep out the riffraff.

I'm afraid I must ask you to leave.

And you better take your friend with you.

Just a minute. I've got a tie, all right?

Oh, yes.

Well, it may have escaped your attention,

but you appear to have only one sleeve.

I've got another one here.

You are both improperly dressed,

and I must ask you to settle the bill and leave.

Come on, Rigsby.

Why should we?

You stay where you are.

Well, of course, if you want us to use force.

Oh, that's right. Throw us out.

I should have expected this.

That's how this country always treats its heroes.

It was different when I was standing between you

and Hitler, wasn't it?

Where were you in 1940?

I'll tell you.

Up in your false roof.

What do you mean? I went in.

I did my bit.

I know you where did your bit, mate.

The 49th deserters.

The red caps were round at your house every Monday morning.

They spent half the w*r fighting your mother.

Be careful.

If this shrapnel moves another half inch,

you'll have a death on your hands.

I can understand it.

You were making a fortune, weren't you,

until the GIs found out half a crown

wasn't the same as a penny.

Hey, watch what you're eating over there.

What do you think the candles are for?

So that you can't see.

Madam, you've got the only four-legged chicken

in captivity.

[indistinct speech] Here, puss, puss, puss, puss.

I've been thrown out of better places than this too.

It's a right, dump. - Come on, Rigsby.

All right. All right.

I reckon we've given Ms. Jones a night to remember, hey?

- Yeah. - Do you know what?

I still feel hungry.

So am I. Do you fancy a bag of chips?

Plenty of vinegar?

Lots of scallops.

Mushy peas.

You're on.

Your turn to pay.

Go on.

[music playing]