01x01 - The New Tenant

[bunniefuu]

[whimsical music playing]

Rigsby, have you thought any more about the room?

I've thought about it, yes.

I mean, you said you'd consider me.

Did I?

Yeah, you did say that.

No, no.

You couldn't afford a room like this.

How much is it?

Six.

Six?

You can't charge six for this.

Why not?

It's too small.

No, it looks small.

It's a heavy wallpaper.

Should have used paler colors.

But you couldn't get a room like this for less than six.

I mean, look at this.

Functional with just a hint of luxury.

Yes, it should appeal to the professional class.

All I've got to do is get a phone in.

Who would put a phone in here?

It'll look like a telephone box.

Very funny.

If it's so small, why do you want it?

Because it's freezing up there and it's damp.

I've told you before, it is not damp.

I've got rising damp.

My furniture is falling to pieces.

How can you have rising damp in the attic?

You're higher than the crows up there.

Should be very healthy, like Switzerland.

Switzerland?

Rigsby, my suits are going green.

I don't deny your suits are going green,

but it is not rising damp.

What is it then?

Condensation.

Condensation?

Yes.

And do you know why?

Because you will try and cook a five course meal on one gas

ring.

I can't see you for steam some nights.

That's because it's so cold up there.

Yes, of course, it's cold.

I never said it wasn't.

There's nothing between this house and the Urals.

You're breathing the same air as the tartars up there, you know.

Look how long they live.

I should charge you extra.

I can't go on like this, Rigsby.

I've forgotten what it's like to wear open-necked shirts.

And I can't spread butter.

I tear great holes in the bread.

I can't study.

The brain won't function at such low temperatures.

Not the only thing that won't function, is it?

Which, in your case, isn't a bad thing.

Anyway, when did you last study.

The only thing you study is your navel.

You even shave lying down.

When did you last go to the college?

They must have forgotten what you looked like down there.

Of course, they haven't. I go regularly.

How can you?

Your hair's never dry.

So that's it.

It's my hair, is it?

Well, let me tell you, Jesus Christ had long hair.

Now, that's enough of that.

What?

Don't you go comparing yourself with him.

You show a bit of respect.

But it's true, he did have long hair.

He didn't have a hair dryer, though, did he?

He didn't give himself blow waves.

I tell you one thing, if Jesus Christ came down to Earth today,

he wouldn't get this room. - Why not?

Well, for one thing, you'd have to have his hair cut.

And for another thing, he couldn't afford it.

Very funny.

Anyway, this room contains my own personal property, you see.

Most of this furniture belonged to my father.

He died in that settee.

So?

It's a question of respecting his memory.

I'll respect his memory.

No, no, no.

You don't understand.

He was a man of very high principles.

He once got off a bus rather than sit

against a woman with bare arms.

That's what sort of man he was.

What's that got to do with it?

How's was he going to feel when the 1974 sex

Olympics start in that settee.

I can't get a woman to come back here, Rigsby.

I've tried to take one look at that place

and remember a previous appointment.

I know.

I've told you, get it cut.

Get it cut.

It might improve your chances if you didn't

look so much like Rasputin.

I don't believe it, Rigsby.

You're so narrow-minded.

Just because I've got long hairs, no reason to dislike me.

Do you know, I think you only grew

your hair long so as you could say

that's why people disliked you?

I think they disliked you before.

Well, they don't dislike me as much as they dislike you.

Who dislikes me?

I'll punch their heads in.

Hello, Alan.

Oh, Mr. Rigsby, I wonder if I could have a word.

Yes, yes, of course, Ms. Jones.

Why don't you come down to my room?

No, no, I won't take a moment.

Would you excuse me.

I'll leave the door open.

I'm sorry.

Please.

I was wondering, Mr. Rigsby.

I have a student at the college who needs a room.

Is this one available?

Student?

I don't know about that, Ms. Jones.

Well, I wouldn't normally ask.

But accommodation is such a problem at the college,

and it is my responsibility.

Yes, of course.

Yes.

Well, I certainly like to do you a favor, Ms. Jones, of course.

I mean, look what happened last time when we got him up there.

You mustn't be too hard on Alan.

I think he's shy and lonely.

Yeah, so was Crippen.

He just-- he just had the nerve to ask for this room himself,

you know.

I wasn't having him down here.

Not next door to you, taunting you with his rock music.

I mean, it wouldn't be fair, not to a woman of your refinement.

You know, Ms. Jones, there there are some men

who try to take advantage of a single woman

like you living on her own.

Do you think so, Mr. Rigsby?

What!

If you don't mind me saying so, Ms. Jones,

you waste too much time on these students.

You ought to think of yourself more.

You need the companionship of someone near your own age.

Someone who's seen something of the world,

who's knocked about a bit, who's understanding,

with a sense of humor.

I don't meet people like that, Mr. Rigsby.

This, um, this dude, Ms. Jones's,

he hasn't got long hair, is he? - No.

As a matter of fact, it's quite short.

Mr. Smith is rather aristocratic.

Aristocratic Smith!

And I must say, he seems a perfect gentleman.

Well, it's a long time since we had one of those round here.

And he's very conscientious and hard working.

In fact, Mr. Smith is a very mature student.

A friend of yours, is he?

No, no, I've only met him briefly.

I do appreciate this, Mr. Rigsby.

Well, anything for you, Ms. Jones, as you know.

How much is the rent?

Shall we say four pounds?

Well, that sounds very reasonable.

Thank you very much, Mr. Rigsby.

Anything else.

Anytime.

Hey, hey, Vienna.

Hey, hey.

[chuckles] Hey.

I think I did myself a bit of good there.

I want that table.

It belongs downstairs.

Well, I'm eating off it.

I warned you, might want it at any time.

Can't you wait till I finish?

Look, I can't wait for you to stop eating, mate.

Life's too short.

Come on.

I have to eat, Rigsby, in order to keep warm.

I've never seen anyone clear a plate faster than you.

It's as if you're feeding something under the table.

Come on. Come on.

I'm doing you a favor, really.

Ought to take your knife and fork as well.

Come on.

Oh, be careful.

You'll spill it.

What a mess!

You're not cooking these dried peas again, are you?

What's wrong with that?

They get everywhere.

They come drumming down the stairs like grapeshot.

It's all right for you. You'd have to clean it up.

Come on. Come on.

I've got to get on. Come on.

Come on.

Why are you in such a hurry?

I've got a gentleman coming.

A what?

A gentleman.

What's he coming for?

As a matter of fact, he's coming for the room.

Ah, so that's it.

- Yes, that's it. - Well, he won't stay.

Yes, he will.

Just as long as you keep away from him.

You're not getting that room.

What do you mean?

Don't think I don't know why the last one left.

He went for a cheaper room.

No no, he didn't.

He left because he found a jar marked

diphtheria germs in his bed.

You keep away from him. Let's have that table.

Come on.

What about my friend?

Been looking forward to a meal.

He hasn't had one for weeks.

Where did that come from?

Why don't you recognize him, Rigsby?

He's the fellow that had the room before me.

He's the one who was complaining about the cold.

Look, shake hands with Mr. Rigsby.

Get him out of here.

Why?

It's morbid, that's why.

I should have thought you'd been used to sites like this

after your exploits in the western desert.

Don't you worry.

I've seen more of those bleached by the desert sun

than you've had hot dinners.

But I don't want one in the house.

Get him out.

Look, I have to study anatomy, Rigsby.

How can I set bones if I don't know what they look like?

Set-- they'll never let you set bones.

My god!

Look what happened when you examined Vienna.

He only had a slight limp.

By the time you'd finished with him, it was a dislocated hip.

Listen, mate, if they ever make you a doctor,

I shall write to the Medical Council.

Well, at least he's someone to talk to.

And he's musical.

[SINGING] Dem bones, dem bones, dem dry bones.

Dem bones, dem bones, dem dry bones.

That's not funny.

Wouldn't do you any good, you know.

What do you mean?

Well, Ms. Jones don't know why are you doing it,

dirty, old man.

Right.

Nothing could be further from my mind.

She's a respectable woman.

Oh, yeah.

Then why do you clean the windows three times a week?

You thank your lucky stars I'm holding this table.

And you better watch your step.

Things are beginning to look up around here.

There might not be room for you now.

Now, I'm getting in a better class of tenant.

Excuse me.

My name is Smith.

Is this my room?

[applause]

That's done it.

Done what?

Didn't you see him?

She said he was aristocratic.

Aristocratic.

Probably never had a pair of shoes until he came here.

Don't tell me you're prejudice, Rigsby.

After all, we're all supposed to be brothers.

He's not my brother.

My brother lives in Accrington.

Hey.

Hey, did you-- did you see that mark on his cheek?

Initiation ceremony.

Well, that's no different from the Germans

and the dueling scars.

He didn't get that in Heidelberg.

That's a tribal mark.

So what's going to happen when he hears the drums?

All right, you wait-- you wait till the next full moon.

We'll all be locking our doors.

You wait till we get the washing of spears.

Rigsby, you ought to be ashamed of yourself.

He's a stranger here.

We should be making him feel at home.

Perhaps you're right.

Hey, where's that jar of diptheria germs?

So you've made yourself at home then?

Yeah.

What do you think of it?

It seems very nice.

Yes, it seems nice.

Yes.

That's the wallpaper. Very good quality.

Well, it has to be to hold these bricks together.

See the way they've-- come in here.

Look at this.

See the way the bricks have come away from the woodwork here?

You can put your fist right in there.

Look at that.

Yes.

This house holds back half the town, you know.

And, of course, we're very high up here.

I'm insured against low flying aircraft.

It's In the policy.

Then there's nothing between this house and Russia.

Who told you that?

Ms. Jones did happen to mention.

How well do you know Ms. Jones?

Not very well, but she's in administration.

Yes, I know that.

I know all about Ms. Jones.

She's a friend of mine, but I'm not rushing it.

All right with you?

Yes.

Nothing personal, but we don't have any misunderstandings,

do we?

That's what I told Young Lenin upstairs.

Who?

The one upstairs, one with the long hair.

Didn't you see him? Right down to his shoulders.

Is he at the University?

Yeah.

I don't think I know him.

No, you wouldn't know.

He only goes out after dark.

Hey, watch this gas.

It'll take your head off.

Now, if it starts hissing like a snake,

don't try and light it, whatever you do.

Leave that door open and fetch me.

Did I mention the rent?

Yes.

Six pounds a week, and I insist on a month in advance.

Ms. Jones didn't mention that.

Just right.

Come on, Vienna.

Come on.

MR. SMITH: Isn't that a strange name for a cat?

We don't think so.

Why do you call him Vienna?

Well, you take this cat to the door on the coldest

night of the year.

When you'd have to kick a polar bear, I'd never mind a cat.

You show him the front door, and if he sees another pair of eyes

out there.

It's good night, Vienna.

[door knock]

Hello.

Welcome to Bleak House.

Mind if I come in for a warm?

I'm Alan Moore. Live upstairs.

Philip Smith.

How do you do?

This is great.

What is.

Well, you coming to live here.

Why?

Well, we've never had a--

A what?

Well, I've never known a--

it'll be an experience.

What sort of experience?

I don't know.

Let's get one thing straight, I'm not an experience.

No, no, no, of course not.

No.

What do you think of Rigsby?

I don't know.

Is he mad?

Probably.

He lives downstairs all alone with his cat.

No one's ever been in his room.

Some say that he was jilted on his wedding day,

and he sits down there all night with the remains of the cake.

I was hoping to get some peace and quiet here.

I do have a lot of work to do.

Of course. Yeah.

I won't disturb you.

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

Of course.

Well, look, if there's anything you want, don't hesitate to ask.

Good night, Philip.

Good night.

[door knock]

Philip at last.

I've been so impatient waiting for the others to go.

I wanted to give you a proper welcome.

Are you all right for butter?

Do you think we should be doing this?

Do you realize this is the first time we've

been alone since that night?

What night.

That night.

You haven't forgotten, Philip?

Oh, that night.

Don't you remember?

You said my skin was like the skin of fruit.

I thought that was lovely.

So poetical.

What fruit did you mean, Philip?

Ruth, I'm rather busy at the moment,

and we've got to think of appearances.

I don't care about appearances.

Let's be impulsive.

Let's drink life to the dregs.

Is that Rigsby?

Rigsby?

We shall have to be careful.

He can be very funny about this sort of thing.

What will he do?

Well, he cuts my water off.

Not that I care.

Not anymore.

Black on white, Philip.

What's the matter?

Nothing.

I'm just thinking how much work I've got to do.

Do you ever think about that night, Philip?

The way we ran hand in hand in the pouring rain.

You do find the rain primitive, don't you, Philip?

Very.

I wanted to get a taxi.

Do you remember what we said to each other?

You said you could get me a flat.

I didn't know you were going to be next door.

How am I going to get any work done?

Work can wait, Philip.

Perhaps we can exchange our supplements sometime, Mr. Smith.

Mr. Rigsby.

Ms. Jones.

What was she doing up here?

She came to see if there was anything I wanted.

I see.

You don't want anything, do you?

No.

All right.

Because if there is, you come to me.

Here's your rent book.

Thank you.

I-- I-- I'll mark, uh--

Go on.

[cat yowls]

Well, there's-- it gets more like a ladies

hairdressers every day.

Well, he's staying.

Just can't get rid of him.

I'll try being diplomatic now.

I should have to get nasty.

Rigsby, I told you we should all try and live together.

You're prejudiced.

No, I'm not.

You don't even like people with heavy suntans.

What about the trouble with that Indian

who was here, all that cooking and bringing his friends in?

He used to arrive with 24 of them in the back of a taxi.

I never complained.

And what happens?

Left owing a month's rent.

I bet you squeezed him out.

No, I didn't.

He went on a day trip to Boulogne.

They wouldn't let him back in again.

What's that got to do with Philip?

I don't know why Ms. Jones had to bring

him here in the first place.

Perhaps she fancies him.

You watch your tongue.

She's not like that.

She's a respectable woman.

She saved herself.

ALAN MOORE: What for?

For the right man.

Not you, Rigsby.

Why not?

I thought you said she was respectable.

She is.

But underneath, you see, she's untapped.

There's a lot of pent up force there.

One of these days, she's going to burst like a dam,

and I'll be waiting.

Perhaps the dam's been burst already.

Anybody tries to come between me and her.

There they are.

[whimsical music playing]

Did you want something, Rigsby?

No, no, no.

Just seeing you settle in, that was all.

Well, if you don't mind.

Because the last tenant in here,

he never did settle somehow.

Seemed to sense an atmosphere.

What sort of atmosphere?

Bad spirits.

What?

Well, you see, years ago, a man

died in here, in this room in horrible circumstances.

Took his-- took his own life once the balance of mind

was disturbed.

I think I know the feeling.

I'm only surprised that he found the time.

It doesn't worry you then.

No.

Well, I just thought I'd mention it just in case you were

ever of a nervous disposition.

Look at the cat.

Look the way his fur is standing on end.

He can sense it.

Him and me, we wouldn't spend a night

in here enough for a fortune.

I'm relieved to hear it.

Now, if you don't mind.

Horrible circumstances.

[door knock]

Oh god!

What's the matter, Philip?

You look worried.

Worried?

This is like being in the middle of a sponsored walk.

I can't work under these conditions.

You're working too hard, Philip.

You should try and relax.

Why don't you come and lie down?

Shall I turn the covers back for you?

What's that doing here?

It's not mine.

What is it doing in your bed?

There are other things you can go to bed with, you know.

- I'll have his-- - [screaming]

Don't worry.

Don't worry now then.

Monolulu, what's your little game?

Do you think you can start that sort of thing around here?

This happens to be a respectable house.

Don't be ridiculous, Rigsby.

He's perfectly respectable.

He happens to be the son of a chief.

Son of a what?

MS. SMITH: Son of a chief, a paramount chief.

MR. SMITH: Oh my god! RIGSBY: Son of a chief.

But he never said nothing to me.

MS. SMITH: He doesn't want anybody to know.

He must have been bloody secretive.

I'm trying to get an ordinary life.

All I want is to be left alone.

If That's how you feel, Philip.

Son of a chief, eh!

It's not important.

No, it's not important.

You don't have to tell me that.

Just your luck, isn't it?

I suppose you come from an old family.

Yes.

Born to it, yes.

Yes.

It was the same in wartime, you know.

My old captain, he came from a good family.

Not like these tough ha'penny gentlemen you get nowadays.

He always carried a walking stick, smoked a pipe.

I never saw him ruffled.

Whenever Gerry had opened up, he just leaned on his

stick and say, "where do you think that's coming from,

Sergeant?"

Everyone would leap for cover.

Not the captain.

What happened to him?

He got blown up by a shell.

I suppose being the son of a chief, you can have your pick.

What?

You know, women.

Oh, yes.

Is it true that your women are much more--

you know.

Oh, yes, much more.

Yes, I've heard that.

It's a medical fact.

They get far more excited.

As they're always getting headaches.

Do yours get headaches?

No, I don't think so.

Ms. Jones gets headaches, terrible ones,

just to wear blue glasses.

Of course, you're very hard on your women, aren't you?

What do you mean?

Well, you make them walk for miles in the hot sun

with pots on their heads.

Oh, yes.

To keep them in their place.

What are you doing?

I'm going.

Isn't that what you wanted?

Not good enough for you, is that it?

But just because you're the son of a chief,

you needn't look down your nose at this place.

Very, very fashionable area here.

We had the manager of the co-op drapery staying here last year.

He never complained.

We're getting breezes straight off the Euros here, you know.

I can't stop here, Rigsby.

I never get any work done.

Just a minute.

What about my rent?

Where do you think you're going to find

another room in this town?

There's no need to be hasty.

There is another room much quieter.

Just a minute.

[whimsical music playing]

What are you doing in there, Rigsby?

Just bringing your table back, that's all.

Thanks That's great.

Hey, I shouldn't go in there.

Not with your curlers in, anyway.

Hey, what's going on?

This is my room.

I beg your pardon, but this is my room.

Hey, Rigsby, I'm not sharing.

Neither am I.

I've paid four pound--

Who do you think you are, the Vestal Virgins?

You'll get used to it.

You can be brothers or sisters.

[applause, whimsical music]