02x30 - Jimmy Kimmel & Fred Armisen

[bunniefuu]

That's it. Is this the liquor store?Yes.

I need to place an order. OK. Place an

order. What?I need a bottle of gin. I'm

going to go with the Beefeater, I think.

What's the cheapest vodka you have?

These kids don't know the difference. How

old are you, first?Hablo Ingles.

I speak English. Do you speak English?

Listen, I need a bottle of tequila. Hello?

How old are you, first?I want the good

stuff, too. That's for me. How old

are you?I'm old enough. You can't call in

here and order. You got to come over

here, young lady. No, I want it ready

when I get there. OK, it's ready. Just

come pick it up. You're going to have to

help me load it on my bike. Sure, no

problem. I'll do that. Just stop by. I

need a few other things. I got a lot of

people coming over tonight. What thing?I

need a bottle of gin. Uh huhI need

a bottle of whiskey. OK. Maker's

Mark. OK. And listen, can I get a

discount?Why are you

playing?You want to make some money?

I want to make some money. Are you in

business?Yes, I am. Let's talk

Turkey. How much?How much money?It'll be

$100. Quit jerking me around. I

wasn't born yesterday. I'm nine years

old. But you can't order, baby. You're

too young. You got to be 21. I'm sorry.

Listen, you son of a bitchI make the

rules in my country. You just have boxing

ready for me. There'll be a nice $10 bill

for you. Why are you doing this?I'm

drunk. You're drunk. Well, start

drinking. I wish I could. I can. Maybe I

can help you. Take a walk, pervert. I'll

get my alcohol someplace else.

Please do that. I hope you drop dead.

Why?I'm sorry. It's the booze

talking.

Hi. What can we do for you?Well, your

employee was very rude. He didn't mean to

be. My money's as green as the next guy.

Yeah, how green is that?Did you just use

your printer?That's real funny,

jackassWell, you've got a great

personality, you know there?I need a

bottle of gin. Really?I need a

bottle of vodka. All right. And I need a

nice bottle of tequila. OK. It'll be here

waiting for you. They better be. Are you

going to get a foot up your a*s

Hello, can I help you?Yes, I'm calling

about the painting you advertised for

sale, right?Yes. OK, tell me

about it. Generally an average

person, it's kind of above them, you

know, just like science is above an

average person. Well, explain it to me.

OK. Do you understand what the Ascension

is?Yes, of course. Of Christ. And I'm not

talking about the Ascension like

fundamentalist Baptist, right. The

Baptist, right. Nobody else can ascend.

Only Jesus Christ has that privilege.

It's kind of narrow minded. You're saying

that everyone has the ability to ascend

and transcend. That's correct. Yes.

Until they had forensic science and

everything else. And anybody talked about

your oral or whatever, they used to think

that you're a fruitcake. I love this

painting so far, medical science and

everything. And then they went into, of

course, you know, when you have a

different color spectrum in your ora. I

got a denim pouch and I'm looking for

something to hang over it. OK, well, this

is probably perfect. Anyway, I'm trying

to give a little. Right. I don't mean to

interject my philosophy or anything, but

life is fascinating. You don't have time

to get bored. Or stop talking, yes. You

don't have to get drunk. You don't have

to smoke cigarettes. You don't have to

take drugs. Or pause, even for a moment.

Get high naturally. Or even take a

breath. I personally believe that

rainbows power our thoughts and our

dreams. Well, excellent. OK, well, I

can tell already that you're a higher

consciousness person that would

appreciate this painting. Anyway,

an average person might think it is

vulgar with a the tube of light and it

has a splattering of energy. This is a

vulvic tube rising up and

spewing all over. That's correct. Yes.

Now sometimes I get headaches and I have

to lie down. Yeah,

I like to visit people at sunrise as if

I'm the sun. OK, where are you going to

be coming in next hour then?I have a

radio-controlled scooter that I would

like to drive over to your home that I

would love to show you too. Right. Yes.

How close are you?I'm very close to you

right now. Not physically, but

spiritually, I feel like we're one. Well,

thank you. I do too. OK.

I'm going to bring my oils over.

OK. And we'll rub each other down. OK.

Well, are you coming the next hour?When

the sun rises is when I will appear at

your door. Oh. I'll be wearing a

tiara made of crystals when I come. OK,

well then, give us a call then. Yes, I

will call you very, very early in the

morning and I'll be very intruthive and

loud when I get there. OK, very good. OK,

give us a call. This sounds wonderful. It

sounds like. Do you have a swimming pool?

This is Jill speaking. How can I help you?

Hello, Jen. How you doing?PT. Wonderful.

Good. What's the manager that's working

tonight?That would be me. It is you. Yes.

Congratulations to you on. Well, you

have some people on your staff that

called me and requested that I deliver to

you a singing phonogram. Okay. This is

from the utility staff there. Okay.

Oh, Jen, oh, Jen, what a swell

girl you are, Jen. Jen, you, Jen, oh,

Jen, oh, Jen, you, Jen.

Okay. The next verse is actually

quite good. So I'll just continue.

Chances are that you don't know me 'cause

my duties are so lowly Foreigners are

people, too, with feelings

Can you tell me who sent it?Well, let me

just keep singing. Maybe it'll make more

sense to you. Okay. A dollar raise,

it wouldn't k*ll you We're not coming

back until you get your sh*t together

Lady, it's true

Okay. Now, this next lyric I found

particularly interesting. When the hour's

getting late You sit and stall and

masturbate You filthy, dirty piggy,

scummy tram All

right. Here we go. You

cheat us of our hard-earned tips From the

bar, you're stealing sips Why not trim

your nose hair, lady?

Yeah?Oh, yes. You got your

job 'cause you're the owner You're much

too old to get a b*ner Why don't you

pack your bags, lady?

Sing it with me. Who is this?You're the

greatest boss in the world. I love you so

much. And I'm just kidding about

everything I just said before. You're

really great and we love you, but you are

really a whoreThank you. Who is

this?This is Sonny Tanning. OK, you

got a tight assYou're sexy and I love you

so much. Damn, girl, you got it going on.

That's what they told me to sing. I don't

know if all of this is exactly what what

they wanted you to hear, but it's fun.

Sing. So hey, what are the specials

tonight, by the way?Can I ask you to

give me a call back later when I'm not so

busy?I can't believe you're still on the

phone. I want to give you my hard bone.

Oh, girl, why don't you come over and get

on your knees?Get on your knees and clean

the floor with the rest of the help, you

know, for once.

Good afternoon. Hi, my name's

Birchum. You guys rent guys out for

labor?We do. Mm-hmmHow

much is that an hour per guy?What exactly

are they going to be doing?Well, a little

bit interesting. Not the basic ditch

digging and clearing a brush.

My brother's in aColt. And

I'm going to go get him out of that colt,

and I just need a little bit of backup

with me. Nothing dangerous, no big deal.

And I figure with you guys, give myself a

little break. I don't even know if we

would do something like that. No guys

that specialize in cult extraction at all?

No, Sir. Really. Huh-uh. Really.

Really. Wow. And you got a

brother yourself?I do. If you can

call him a brother, I have one. Oh, yeah.

You got problems too, huhOh, we we just

never have gotten along. He molested you,

didn't he?Oh, no, he didn't. Yeah.

Yeah, my my brother did touch me.

It's not something I'm comfortable

talking about with everybody. But, you

know, kind of counts you as one of my

own. I still feel like I own him, though.

He's still blood. And I go in there.

With a heavy heart. But like I said, he's

blood and I got to get him out of that

cult. OK, well, give us a call back on

Monday and we'll have you speak with the

salesperson and see what we can do. The

touching wasn't so bad, but why do you

have to do it on Easter?

You know what kind of mixed message that

sends to a young God-fearing 9 year old?

Well, unfortunately, I don't because I've

never been in that experience. Yeah,

sitting there waiting for the Easter

Bunny. Instead, you get the Easter hand.

Yeah. Yeah. OK.

Barely eat eggs. Well, give us a call and

we'll go from there. Yeah. YeahMaybe I'll

leave him in there. OK. Well, you have a

good day. Brother never lifted a hand.

Yeah. Never. No verbal abuse. Nothing.

Oh, well, yeah. YeahBut

I can't really discuss that. I have a

couple of guys that I need to that are

standing here at my window, and I have a

call on hold. You're crying about verbal

abuse. And I was sodomized repeatedly by

my own blood. You got a lot of

nerve, Missy. A lot of nerve.

I was a victim. Sir, I am going to have

to. He stole my

innocence. OK, Sir, I'm sorry, but I

can't take. He cracked it like a yoke.

Do you understand?And you had your

brother call you a fudge face a couple of

times and you feel like you can count

yourself amongst the victimized and the

forsaken.

Hello. How you doing?I'm Chip Douglas and

I don't have my newspaper and I want

to look

at the

cartoons.

This is Julia. Can I help you?Julia.

Yes. Yeah. This is Bobby Fletcher. Uh huh

Yeah. I was wondering about joining your

program there. I need to lose a few

pounds. Yeah. What do I got to do?You'd

come in for a consultation with one of

the Med techs and go over all the

different medications that we offer. What

do I got?What do I got to take?What do

you what am I going to throw up like the

other slobs there or something?It it we

have nine different things that we offer.

So it really Twinkies, Ring Dings,

yodels. No, we don't have things like

that. What do you have then?

We don't have food. It's just medication.

What

do you got?Like crystal meth there?No,

because I've taken that before. I lost

like 4 lbs. Really. Yeah. I only got

to lose about 10 lbs. OK, What

time would you want to come in?I don't

want to be there when there's any, you

know, you know, those big fat slobs there

because I feel embarrassed, you know,

because those people really make me sick.

OK. Do you want to come in today?

Are you fat?No, I'm not fat. Good. Then

we got something in common. What time you

got open?Between 2:30

and. Can you please quit

burping in my ear?Look, you know, you

want me to lose weight. I'm trying to get

a little talky. Oh,

my God. I can't

believe it. I thought I had you going,

didn't I?Who?

OK, what did you say your name was?It's

Doctor Marlow. You didn't know?No.

Oh, my God. I'm standing here looking at

Doctor Marlow, and he's not on the

phone. Listen, I'm Marlow's friend,

Doctor Marlow's friend. He put me up to

this. Oh, did he?Yeah, ask him. Well, why

don't you ask him yourself?Because he's

listening to you right now. Marlo,

what do you need?What's up, bitchHow's it

going?It's Steve. Steve who?Why are you

playing dumb?Look, if she's still on the

line, I don't. We don't have to tell her

about our relationship. I'm hanging up

there. I understand. You have to hide.

This is absurd, Sir. I'm sorry. This is

very rude and very unprofessional. Is

Malo still on the phone?Is Malo still on

the phone?Just tell him. I thought it was

very mean of him that he didn't cuddle

with me last night. OK, this is not

funny, man. I'm hanging up on you. You're

you're disgusting me. I'm sorry. You're

burping in my ear. You're calling the

doctor g*y and. No, we're not. We're not

g*y. We're not g*y. You're not g*y. But

he wouldn't cuddle with you. This is the

third. And if you do not get off the

phone, I'm going to call the police and

have them trace this phone number. That's

different. Look, I know you're trying to

cover for him. That's fine.

Hi. I need a plumber here

ASAP. I lost something.

Very important. Got flushed down the

toilet. OK, ma'am. Where

are you located?I'm at 619 Barrett

Rd. Oh, my God.

Barrett Rd. Where?In common. Yeah. OK.

What was it that you lost?

It's something really important. It's

just something that was a part of me that

I can't believe this happened. It was

something I was planning on giving my

daughter on her wedding day. It was

OK. And it it was flushed down the

toilet. Yes.

Unbelievable. The stuff that gets

flushed down the toilet. You know,

Hadassah. OK. Was it

some jewelry?No. What

was it?It was my own

crap. You're real funny,

ma'am. Real funny. You know-- You're real

funny. But we could report you for this.

You know that?You're real funny.

Very funny. You have a funny sound in

that.

Mr. Hello.

Are you there?

Hello. Why?

Why are you being mean?

Hello.

Are you there, Mr. I'm hurt,

Mr.

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