02x24 - Wanda Sykes & Kevin Nealon

[bunniefuu]

Come one, come all, 'cause we're having a

ball. We're just making some calls to

strangers. Come on, come

onYou can say what you want, and they'll

never know if you're deranged. Oh,

what?But it doesn't really matter. No, it

doesn't really matter. 'Cause we'll all

be doubled over with laughter at the

expense of others. Maybe even your

mother. Won't you join the Crank Yankers

tonight?Crank Yankers.

This is Bonnie. Are you the manager?I am.

Wonderful. I was in there a few days ago,

and a young woman was helping me. I was

shopping for my mother. Uh-huhAnd I spoke

to the salesperson, who was quite

helpful, until I asked them in the nicest

possible way if they would eat

a used tissue for $500

US. And I was not only rebuffed. Are

you crazy?I wasn't. I

don't care if you're wealthy or not. If a

problem, if one of my people had a

problem with you asking them a question

like that. Exactly. Is that not the most

insulting thing you can imagine?No, I I'm

insulted that you would even ask an

employee of mine now. Exactly. They

would. They treated me like. Exactly.

They should have treated you worse if you

asked them to either use tissue. Well,

they didn't need to swallow it. Just chew

it up a little bit. It was no it.

Yes, it was. They didn't need to swallow

it. Hello. Yes, my name is Ron.

I'm. Hello, Ron. This is Niall Standish

calling. You have a problem with someone

in our store. I understand. Exactly. Did

you hear what happened?I was in the area.

I was staying with Elton John in Atlanta.

You were staying with and you shopped in

our store in Monroe. I stopped by Monroe.

I was traveling through Monroe and I

stopped by your shop to buy some ladies

apparel. Is this correct?For my mother?

Yes. For your mother. OK. I'm extremely

wealthy. Money is no object to me. Well,

that doesn't make any difference to me if

you're a customer. Exactly. Wonderful.

Now, Ron, here's what happened. Here's

what's what. One of your employees. Now

get this. I

offered them $500 cash to

consume a used tissue. Yes.

And they. They not only refused,

they rebuffed my offer. Good for them.

They were insulting. Good for them. They

spoke down to me. And they know that I'm

there better. I'm there better. Well, no,

no let me explain to you what my

employees are instructed. They're to be

kind to people and be courteous. Exactly.

That's exactly what I'm saying.

This is exactly what I'm saying. Take

advantage of them or insult them in any

way. That's absolutely right.

Thank you. I thank you

very much. I couldn't agree more. Let me

tell you, I've had people do ungodly acts

and do it with a smile on their lips and

a little bit of upchuck. Well, if I'd

been hearing you'd ask me that and I'm an

ex-UT football player, I would have

probably stubbed that Kleenex up your a*s

Well, I I appreciate the offer. I know

you do. But let me ask you this. Isn't

the customer always right?No. Well, I

believe it's common courtesy

too, but when you ask one of my employees

to do something like that, that's

completely out of line. Well, she didn't

slap me in the face, but her words did.

Other than that, do you have any other

complaint about our store?Yes, the

pantsuit I purchased pulls a little in

the back. I thought this was for your

mother. Yes, yes, it's

for my mother. Well, I don't have really

time. I'm very busy carrying on some

other business. I have had other clerks

clean my ears with their pinkies. I have

had other clerks give me rectal exams

with Carpenter's pants. Yeah, well, that

won't happen anywhere around here, I

assure you. And you come in and ask for

something like that again, I will have

you arrested in a New York minute. Would

you eat the tissue for 500?The answer

is hell no. And if I saw you, you would

be in trouble even asking that question.

Now, you can be insulted all you want to

be, but that is, that is. Let's go



f*cking mind. Language, love. Now,

one last thing, Ron. Yeah, it's going to

be the last thing. I'll expect a written

apology. I'll be back to pick it up.

Yeah, you come by. What you'll pick up

will be a Smith and Wesson 357. Goodbye.

Hello. Hi, I'm calling about the car for

sale. The Jeep, yes. I wonder if you

could tell me a little something about

it. It's a 1996

Cherokee. It's got power locks and

windows, 4 wheel drive,



CD changer.

It's like located in the trunk.

What about the?Is it loaded?

What kind?What does it have inside of it?

It's got, I don't know quite what it's

called. It's like a. hoe or a hitch

in the back. What else?How about the the

material?What is the fabric?Yeah, it's

got regular like gray fabric. Like the

front part, the part that you sit on is

fabric and the back part of it is like a

gray. It's either, I think it's like

vinyl or leather or something.

And the spare tire is inside the trunk.

And And what type of driving is done, but

mostly done with it?Mainly in town.

And then occasional like just like

freeway like to go to Portland or

something like that. But did

you buy it new or was it?No, I

bought it about a year and a half ago.

And has it been driving well for you or

is it?Yeah, it drives real well.

All right. And so how much is the price

again?That's 6500, Yes. OK. And is there

any rust underneath it?Rust. Yeah.

Not that I've seen.

OK. All righty. I wonder if I'd be able

to take it for a test drive or. Yeah.

All right. I can take a look at it, say,

tomorrow. OK. OKThat'd be great. And

is it a standard or is it automatic?It's

automatic. All righty.

Is there anything wrong with the car at

all?Is it in pretty good running shape?

Yeah,

running great.

This is a Darkwood ATM machine. Yeah, I

I'm at one of your ATM machines and

there's a problem with it. OK, I tried to

withdraw $60.00 and instead

it gave me 100. Now the receipt says



I could walk away, but I'm here with my

little boy and I want to teach my son

how to do right. This money does not

belong to me. I understand. And I let him

know that, you know, by doing this you

you get rewarded, right?Right

What location are you at?I'm sorry. We

can get to that, but I just want my son

to know that you get a reward for being

honest, right?Oh, machine just

spit out another 20. Look at that. What?

Machine just spit out another $20 bill.

Well, there it goes again. Can you?

This is just like a slot machine. Look at

this. Where is this at, ma'am?I need to

know. If you're going to do this, I can

get the cops involved. Get the cops

involved. Because if my machine is just

checking out money, I need to know so I

can get it shut off. OK, well, look, I

can take care of that. But let's want to

talk about the reward, ma'am. There's

another one. Trace. And as I go, that's

all I can do. I got $300.00 in

my hand and I just asked for 60. Look at

this, son. I know you want to go get

PlayStation too, but, Mom, we can't spend

this money. Because it doesn't

belong to us, but we will get a reward,

right?Hello, ma'am. Are you going to tell

me where you're at right now?Well,

there's another one. Look at this, baby.

Stop hitting the button. Stop hitting the

button. Stop. Stop hitting the button.

Oh, sh**t. Look at all this money just

sh**ting out this thing. Hey, everybody,

look at this machine over here sh**ting

out money. Look at you. I'm not laughing.

It's sh**ting out money right now, Tony.

This money. Jackpot.

Jackpot. I don't know where she's at. She

won't tell me where she's at. Hey, look,

I tried to be honest. Can you tell me

where you're at right now?Go ahead. Take

some. Oh, I love America. OK, guess what?

Your account number is in my system. So

anything I lose, I will remove from your

account. My receipt here says that I only

took out $60.00. Now, can we

discuss my reward or not?I'm trying to

teach my son how to be honest, and you

were giving me nothing but attitude. We

can easily. Solve this problem right now.

If you just tell me what my reward is and

I can protect your machine. Other than

that, it's going to be a free fall. Can I

give you another good reason why you

should tell me where you're at?Why?

Because right now you're going through my

answering system and my answering system

is recording our conversation. All you

got is a voice. I don't care. Nobody ever

fingerprinted my voice, I tell you that.

Now you went from trying to teach you

what?You're boring on honesty so you can

get the reward. Yes. And you are not

working with me. You know what, baby?

Since the people don't want to give us a

roar, maybe we'll take up, take their

nice money and give it to the homeless. I

bet they'll appreciate it. Oops,

look, there's another one.

Oh, ladies, you dropped your house.

Hi, I'm looking for a nice Russian lady.

You're looking for a nice Russian lady?

Yep. Uh, why?

For marriage and fun. You a

woman or you a man?I'm a man.

Yeah, you have a very woman voice.

How dare you?I'm

sorry. What's your name?My name

is Tanya. Hi, Tanya.

Hi. What is your name?My name's

Kevin. So listen, hot stuff. How do we

get this done?I don't know. It's an

agency. I have pictures of the ladies who

is looking for American husband. Get

those to me. I'm

sick of these American women. They're so

independent. I'm looking for a lady I can

boss around. You know what I'm saying?How

old are you?I'm nine. You're nine?

Yeah. Don't worry about it.

I can buy and sell you.

Good. How come you have that much money?

I got a paper out.

Yeah. OK, dear, you have. How do we get

this done?You have to call me

later. Let's say, like,

in 25 years, okay?

What's the What's the youngest you got

over there?I'm sure I don't have any nine

years old. Come on, I know you people.

Everyone has a price. That's okay. Just

call me later, okay?I just want a woman.

Hello. Meow. Is this Joanne?

Yes, meow. Who's meow?I'm

calling about the cats. It's a little.

So, gosh, how many do you have

left?I have two left. Oh, two.

Yeah. And I got there's a guy coming at



$50 a head, but he said I'm coming over.

Wouldn't got a chance to get it. Sound

like you need to get some food fed. Do

you have allergies?No, I've got a

lot I'm allergic to.

Ragweed, fabric,

grass, wheat, gosh,

cardboard, anything with hydrogen in

it. Oh, my. Yeah. So. But it's all right.

It's OK now. But I'm a cat person,

Needless to say. And I have



one now. That's Tim. Yeah, a tiny Tim.

And then there's large Tim. You aren't

allergic to cats, are you?I don't think

so. I like to just bury my face right in

his fur and just give him loves.

Ohh I love these

cats so much. And every time I hold these

things, it's just like I want to cry. I

my teeth, my eyes tear up and get all

red. You should check to have that

checked out. You don't want another cat

if you're allergic.

Oh, oh, geez. Here's Gavin. He's a long

hair. Come here, you.

Well, I think he puts his butt right in

my face and it's so cute.

But gosh, I don't know whether it's the

the little hole there,

but it makes me sneeze. I've got

one of the cats trained so that it gives

me a tissue. Come here, Bayla.

Little left, Bayla. He holds it. Yeah,

he holds it right up to my nose. They're

so smart.

Ohh He lets himself be my Kleenex. That's

love.

See that?He loves it. I put him on my

head and I'd like to play Davy Crockett

or Daniel Boone.

I need your cats, Joanna. I need these

things. It's my only hope.

What is your name?My name is is Theo

THEO. What's your phone number,

Theo 3?What



The house is filling up with hair.

One of them's shedding. It's

so dark in here. I've seen spots. Oh,

God! God!

Stop it! Stop it, you can't!

Theo?

Theo?You didn't give

me your whole number.

Theo?

Thank you for calling Food Force. This is

Tony. May I help you?Hi, Tony. Listen,

you guys are all very nice there. I shop

there a lot, but I got a serious

situation. OK, listen.

Hello. You hear that?That's my nipple

That's my nipple hitting the phone. My

n*pples are so hard from your frozen food

section and they haven't gone down in two

days. You guys should have a sign saying

like, beware, n*pples are going to get so

hard they're going to look like 2 thumbs

sticking out of your shirt. And I I would

like an apology A, OK?And

BI would like some free groceries out of

this. I'm serious. This is not a

laughing, but you're laughing. You you

wouldn't be laughing if you had to rub

these n*pples against each other. They

could start a fire. And my baby's

breastfeeding. And my baby's looking at

me like, what's up?And I'm like, I don't

know what to tell you, baby. I mean, it's

ridiculous. I'm sorry, ma'am, but this is

the first complaint we've had like that.

Have you guys just recently upped the

temperature, upped the coldness or

something?No, actually, we have not even

turned the air conditioning on in the

building yet. But do your n*pples get hot?

Well, does. Let me let me make it the

question for a man. Does your p*nis get

hot when you get over there?I'd rather

not discuss that with you. I'm I'm

talking simply on a medical basis. This

is not like me hitting on you any cause I

got a man. All right. I'm just asking. I

could eat Chinese food with my n*pples

right now. They're so they are so hard.

Does your. Oh, actually, you know what?I

bet your p*nis goes the other way, huhIt

goes right back in where it came from.

I'm sorry, but I'm not going to have this

discussion with you. OK. And I want an

apology before you hang up. Actually, I

want two

apologies. One for your nipplesI walked

in with regular nipplesOK.

I would suggest wearing long dons then,

ma'am. I would. Except it hurts. It's

like it's like on a cheese grater or

something. OK, just simply say I'm sorry.

Your n*pples are hard. No, I'm

sorry that we have inconvenience that you

feel that we have. I would like to

apologize to the nipplesI'm sorry,

ma'am, that you feel that it was too cold

in here, but this is the first complaint.

Oh, my gosh. Wait, wait, wait, waitWhat's

your name?What did you say your name was

again?My name is Tony Darling. I'm not

psychic usually, but, like, I get these

visions sometimes. Oh, my God, I'm

getting one right now. Oh, my God. Did

someone touch you when you were little?

I'm sorry, man, but I need to. Oh, my

God. That's a yes. That's a yes. I'm so

sorry, Tony. You need to talk to someone

about that because if you hold it in, it

just causes cancer. Oh, my God. Oh, my

God. They just went down. Tony, they went

down. You are a miracle worker. Oh, my

God. I'm rubbing myself. They're not even

coming. Tony, are you married?I need

to end this conversation. Your n*pples

are hard right now, aren't they?I've got

work I need to do, thank you. You You

have a great day. Kate, can you lend me



day. All right, take care, Tony. Bye.