02x23 - Jamie Kennedy & David Alan Grier

[bunniefuu]

Come one, come all, 'cause we're having a

ball. We're just making some calls to

strangers. Come on, come

onYou can say what you want, and they'll

never know if you're deranged. Oh,

what?But it doesn't really matter. No, it

doesn't really matter. 'Cause we'll all

be doubled over with laughter at the

expense of others, maybe even your

mother. Won't you join the Crank Yankers

tonight?Crank Yankers!

Happy holidays, Investigations. May I

help you?Hi. Is this

Investigations?This is Investigations,

yes. Let me tell you my problem. Got a

stepson who's going to be 16 in a couple

weeks. Kid's beating himself like a bongo

in this room every night, but I can't

prove it. Let me get a hold of Mr. and

have him call you. Would he be interested

in that kind of work?If he doesn't, he

would probably be able to refer you to

someone. You have teenagers, ma'am?No,

fortunately, mine is past that. You got a

son?No, a daughter. Thank God you don't

have a son. I don't know. I got married

last year. It cost me a fortune. Still

married yourself?Oh, yeah, 27 years. God

bless you. A lot of hard work, but worth

it. I got 33 years under my belt.

I love to hear them that way. You know,

you have your ups and your downs, like

any any relationship. She's morbidly

obese, so she eats and he

beats. It's quite a household. Thank

Christ I got satellite. Oh, yeah. How old

is your daughter?Twenty-one. What

happened?She got pregnant?Oh, no.

Twenty-one and not pregnant, huhRight.

Kept her virginity, though, until then.

Till the wedding night, right?She was.

Yeah, they got married in May. Yep. I

tell my daughter, I better be able to

bounce a quarter off your hymen on your

twenty-fifth birthday. Oh, okay. I

want to drop a quarter on that heim and

get two dimes and a nickel back. Uh,

well, good luck. Yeah. Okay, what's...

what's he gonna... what number is he

gonna call?Call me at



Blonde or brunette?Your, uh, your

daughter. Um.. Brunette?Yeah. It's

good. They last longer, those brunettes.



sunblasting, left out on an island by the

time they hit 30. 702.

Three?One, eight?Uh-huhYou say your girl

was a virgin before she got married?I

don't know. Yeah. You don't want to know,

do you?No. No, no mother wants to know.

But figure on the worst. Did she go to

college?Yes. Probably got

passed around like a joint at a Doobie

Brother concert. I don't think so. Yeah,

I don't want to think about that. Black

college, like Grambling?No, here at

UNLV. UNLV. All right.

Roofie capital of the world. Um, I need

to get your phone number, though. I have

another caller holding.



been married for 27 years?

Hello. Hey, how you doing?My name is

Stumpy. HuhI'm looking for a

little companionship this evening. OK,

now, as you probably tell, I'm a little

older. OK, so I need

a a a special kind of woman. OK, What

kind of special woman?Because you know

what?I'm going to tell you where my I'm

at right now. I want to end my life

the way I started my life, you know?Butt

naked and screaming.

Yes, indeed. You know, but how old are

you?Oh, I'm 72 years old. Let me tell you

something. But hold on now, baby. I'm,

you know, I've been around the world

twice now because I'm, I'm a musician. I

sing, I sing music, I sing Blues, you

know?So I

need a woman that likes music, OK?

Because I like to sing, you know, I sing

little, pretty little songs to him. OK.

Little girl, little girl. I want

to make love to you. I

want to bend your couch and

bang it till your face ain't blue. You

all right, baby?Oh, that's how I get them

drawers off, you know?I'm looking for a

baby. With some

stank drawers on. We can

party all night. Tell her break it

down. You know, stuff on like that.

Because like I told you, what I'm what

i'm trying to do is I want to be with a

little honey bunny who ain't going to

stop with the bump until my heart does.

Ha ha! Hey now. Well,

did you want to schedule an appointment?

What I'm trying to do is come and go

at the same time, you know. Hello,

goodbye. Bla da! Right on up to the

pearly gates, you know. You

don't sound like you're ready to die for

me. I know. I knowI care. But you know,

I'm old because I don't want to scare

these girls. I just want to make a note

that if something does happen, it's not

her fault. God called me. Time for me to

go. You know, she ain't going to k*ll me

with her t*tties and nothing like that.

Now, how's 8:00?

OK. Did you want her to come to your

house?I'm at the Omni. I'm at the down at

the Omni. OK. Yes. I'll be in front of

the Omni, actually, you know, to the

side. Tell her to look for the it's a big

the big box is a refrigerator box, but

I cut the hole on the side and I got, you

know, I got blankets. Everything is nice

in there. It's going to be all right. All

right then, girl, see you up, around

or near the Omni.

Little girl, little girl.

Well, the star rolls on. You're going

to come give Stumpy loving

till he break it down. You're going

to sit on his face

till he can't go. Hello. Hello

HelloIf there anybody there.

I'd like to talk to the girl. Ain't got

no underwear.

Hi, this is Nick. How can I help you?Hey,

Nick, I need to talk to you about my

bugs. OK. Yeah, I have a serious bug

problem over here. Hmm, OK. I have

termites and I have c*ck, but

they're not your basic c*ck. They're

Palminos. Palmino is from Miami,

and they're flying around. They're like 3

inches and they got wings. Let's see a a

c*ck fly around the room. It f*cking

scares me. Yeah, that would be scary.

I need to get somebody over here right

away. So you're seeing the c*ck

and the what did you say they were?Are

you calling me a liar?No, no, no

I said c*ck. Are you threatening

me?They're palminos. Yeah, that's the

word. What?How do you how do you spell

that?Do you need to spell it to k*ll it?

Because I need this thing dead. No, I

understand that, Sir. I'm just. Are you

calling me a liar?Are you saying I don't

have these kind of c*ck here?Calm

down, Sir. I'm not saying anything. I'm

not. Calm down. What's with the attitude?

I just need to k*ll some bugs. Yeah, we

can do that. I'm scared. I'm 63 years

old. I don't have much. I have a

colostomy bag. You know, things happen. I

don't want a bug flying in my assOh, of

course not. Well, how do I get these bugs

out of here?Well, we can come and spray.

What do you mean?g*y. Spray. I

said spray. Oh, spray. I thought you said

I'm g*y. Nope, I did not. Are you showing

off for your friends at my expense?

When did you want us to come out?I'd like

you to come out within one hour. A guy

left me once in Reno. That guy's missing



you say?You get in my face?Nope, not at

all. You calling me a liar?You know the

square footage of the house?2300. Great.

And whose side are you on?I'm on your

side, Sir. I need somebody to be on my my

side here. I got Palminos. You know what

they are?No, I don't. Are you calling me

a liar?He keeps saying that. I keep

telling you. I'm not calling you a liar.

Why are you yelling at me?I'm not, Sir.

Why are you being so defensive?Not being

defensive. You're doing it right now.

Whatever you say, Sir. I have termites

and I have a cat that's not mine. That's

my neighbor's that I would like you to

take care of. I can't k*ll the cat. The

cat scratched me. I'm sorry. It scratched

my f*cking DickAre you coming on to me?

Nope. You think you're smarter than me?

Nope. Are you threatening me?Nope. Are

you g*y?Nope. Why are you so g*dd*mn

agreeable?I don't know, man. I'm a

piece of sh*t right?I'm a f*cking piece

of shitDude, you don't have c*ck,

do you?What do I have?I don't know.

I got crabs. Probably. I do. Oh,

you calling me a pervert?Nope. Look, I'm

just looking for a friend. OK. Are you

friend or foe?I'll think of friend.

You ever seen a man naked?You know what?

No. Seriously. Do you like that?I don't.

You want to see my old ba*ls?I gotta go,

man. You wanna see my ba*ls on your eyes?

I'll talk to you later next. I see my

ba*ls on your dog's eyes. I love you.

Bye. Hey, you wanna eat?me out. This is

Jenny. How can I help you?Hi, is this a

plant nursery?Yes. Hi, I went

to a game last night and I learned a

song. So when I do the song, you

yell charge, OK?I yell charge?

Yeah, at the end. You're such a dork.

Just yell charge. Hold on, I'm going to

put you on speaker. All

right. Bum, bum,

bum, bum, bum, bum, bum.

Bum, bum, bum, bum,

bum, bum, bum, bum, bum,

bum, bum, bum, bum, bum,

bum, bum, bum, bum, bum,

bum, bum, bum,

bum, bum,

bum.

No, noI wasn't done with this

song. I wasn't done with this

song. But now I gotta, I gotta start

all over again. Don't

laugh. This is

serious. Bum, bum,

bum, bum, bum, bum,

bum, bum, bum, bum,

bum, bum, bum. Bum, bum,

bum, bum, bum, bum, bum,

bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum,

bum, bum,

bum,

bum, bum,

bum. No,

no, I wasn't done.

You people cheer

bad.

George. Yay.

Yay. Yay. We win. We

win. I kicked the home run. Yay.

Do it again, lady.

Power Chef, this is Pam. Hi, Pam, Jack

Ravat. I'm calling about getting some

information on a personal trainer.

What I'd like to do is find out if you

have some type of trainers that can work

with my body type. I have a graduate of

the Wellness fitness program up at SDSU.

I don't want to get into any kind of a

fancy program. I'd like to get a trainer

who will put me on the mat, get me on the

bench and just, you know, work me and get

me into shape as quickly as possible. I

don't know if there's a guy that does

that in your in your program or if

there's somebody that you like about,

then I'll, I'll see him. But I got to

make sure that it's somebody who's really

got the stuff that it takes to get me in

and whip me into shape. You have anything

like that?Yeah. His name is Eric. What

are your hours?We open at 5:30 in the

morning. Give it to me so that I can

write that down. I want to write this

down so I know exactly what your hours

are. What?So go ahead. What are the hours?

I started to Monday through Thursday,



it, give it to me starting on Monday

after the weekend. If you would just be

quiet for one moment, I'll give you my

give you my hours. I am open 5:30 AM.

Been doing this for a while. Yes. OK. All

right. And he has credential. But you

just told me you didn't care about that.

I started telling you that he was a

graduate of a Wellness fitness program.

I just need to know that he has got the

credentials that I need to have because I

don't want to be training with somebody

who doesn't know what they're doing. So

what has he done?What kind of credentials

does he have?I just told you. Maybe you

just need to come in and meet with him.

I'm sorry. I I think we got off on the

wrong foot here. I'm just trying to find

out. I'm trying to, you know, I'm so

stressed out from being out of shape.

What I'd like to do is I'd like to just

find out when I can see him and what the

hours are, but I'm not hearing what that

is because you keep asking me a question.

OK, just tell me what the hours are. I'll

write those down and then we can figure

out when I can see this Eric guy who has

credentials or not. I don't know if he

has credentials. And don't forget to tell

me what the hours are too, because I want

to. I have tried seven times to tell you

what the hours are. Excuse me, can you

stop for one moment?Just stop. I have

tried seven times to tell you what the

hours are. Every time I start to tell you

what the hours are, you ask me another

question. I think you need to be a little

more assertive on the phone. I'm being

very assertive on the phone, but you keep

interrupting. Every time I try to talk,

you talk over me, ma'am. If you just let

me, let me just finish what I'm saying

here. I try to answer the question. You

ask me another question. If I can work

out in the morning, say from 9:00 or

from 8:30 to 9:45, will he be able to

help me out with that?I would have to

check with his schedule and make sure

that OK, ma'am, you had to let me finish.

I had did not finish. This is a dialogue,

not a monologue. I would have to check

with his schedule. Do you ever shut up?

Hi, my name is Hadassah. I'm calling from

Camelot Communications and I was

wondering if you have any questions about

your noon phone service. Oh, what

is it?Well, I just want to talk about the

new features that have already been

installed into your phone. It's an

automatic complimentary upgrade with

whole new features. They're basically the

whole next generation of call waiting,

call forwarding, etcetera. Oh, they're

complimentary. Yes. OK, I'll tell him he

has call waiting. Tell him he is. Oh, no,

no, noCall waiting is a old hat.

We've got caller disguise. If you don't

want someone to know it's you, a fake

name appears on their caller ID and you

can choose that name. Have you heard of

Star 69?Mm-mm, no. Star



called you. Star 79 gets you

really, really knowing them. We

have minority blocking. Oh, someone's

here. I got to go. No, no, noWhat's your

name?Margaret. Margaret. I

got to go. This feature minority blocking

is really phenomenal.

Margaret, it's Hadassah trying out our

new feature caller again. Do you want to

talk to the guy that's on charge?Well, I

just feel like I want to finish with you

because I started with you. Hello. My

name is Hadassah. I'm with Camelot

Communications. Oh, I'm not answering

anything at all today. Oh, you already

have it. It's on your phone. It's

absolutely free. No, I'm not. Thank you.

Goodbye.

Margaret, do you realize I work for the

phone company?Do you realize how much

power I have?Do you enjoy getting phone

calls?Because I can make that end. So

why don't you get yourself a lemon tea

and sit down and listen to what I have to

say?Well, we're not interested, ma'am. So

if you want to turn our phone off, you

can do that.

Ohh

Hi, this is Bill Hartson calling from

Camelot Communications. Just to confirm

your disconnect order. No, noThis

lady that called us was trying to give us

something free. I can understand you

being upset with somebody trying to give

you something free. Then she threatened

us to cancel our phone. I have here that

you had asked that your phone was

disconnected. That's because she got mad

because I wouldn't listen to her. What

she had to say. Well, that's not what I

have here. I have here that you requested

to disconnect your phone service and we

can do that within the next 7

minutes. Can I talk to your superior,

please?Can you hold just a moment?moment.

Bill. A lady called me a little while

ago. She wanted to give us something free

and we didn't listen to her. So she

called me back. Sir, this is not a

problem. I want to make you happy.

Listen, if you order to disconnect, we'll

get that phone disconnected as soon as

possible. You're not listening. You're

not listening. You're absolutely right.

Let me punch it all up on my computer

here. Okay, I see you've had the phone

service for quite a while. A long time.

Okay, and what what do you weigh, sir?

What is my weight?Yes. What is your

weight?My weight is probably



your height?I've never been threatened by

a phone company before. Yes, yesIt's part

of our new policy is intimidating

customers. It's part of our tough tone

policy. I understand. We're just trying

to beat people up a little and see if

people can't be more pliable and cater to

our needs. Now I'm going to go ahead and

enter your height and your weight and all

this information to our computer. And I

promise you, you won't be getting any

more threatening phone calls, Sir. I

would hope so. Because we are going to

cut your phone service off. OK, then.

Well, you people are something else,

aren't you?I'll be talking to an

attorney. Sir, it's been a pleasure

talking to you. And if there's anything

more we can do for you. Where are you at,

Bill?We're sorry to be losing you as a

customer. Where are you?Where are you at,

Bill?And if you ever decide to get phone

service again, please call us from the

payphone.