02x20 - Jim Florentine & Kathy Griffin

[bunniefuu]

Maybe even your mother wants to join the

Crank Yankers tonight. Crank

Yankers!

Hello. HelloMay I speak to Doris Kluger,

please?Speaking. Hi, I'm Sunny Tanning,

and a special friend of yours has ordered

a singing phonogram for you. Would you

like to know who it is?Tell me. In order

to figure out who it is, you're going to

have to listen to the song I have for

you. Go ahead.

Someone special's thinking about you.

Someone wants their arms around you.

Someone hopes you feel the same way, too.

Any guess who it is?No, I have no idea.

I'll keep singing. You might have met

them at the store, maybe at the ocean

shore, or maybe they're outside your

door. It's true. You

know?No. No

I'll keep singing then. Oh, Lord. Did you

meet them at the show?I recommend you

don't say no, or else you'll pay the

price the rest of your life.

Get it?I have no idea. Oh. His dad

says he doesn't love him and he's got

some pretty sweaty palms. It's true and

you might like him so.

Look, I have no idea. Is there any point

to this?My dear lady, of course there's a

point. I sing the clues, you guess who it

is, and then you fall in love. I have no

idea. They have questionable personal

hygiene. They have dingy, dirty, grubby

feet. They have a warrant out for their

rest.

I have no idea. His hair is brown.

Sour as teeth. Shifty

eyes that say I don't know what this

guy's up to, but it's definitely not

good. I have no idea.

Hates dogs. Drives drunk.

He's got a knob coming out of his left

arm. Never mind.

Ohh So

long. You

mean she doesn't love me?

Saks 5th Ave. This is David. May I help

you?Yeah, I'd like to say I love your

store. Well, thank you very much. And I'd

like to get a charge card. I can't

process that over the telephone. I can

send you an application, or we can

process one instantly while you're in the

store. We need to do this on the hush

hush. What do you mean on the hush hush?

Quiet QT. You know what I'm

saying?Wink, wink. Yeah, but you still

need to fill out an application for one.

That doesn't work for me. Well, you do

have a responsibility as cardholder and

one of them is when we initiate an

account. Blah blah blah blah.

What other option do I have for you?Is

this customer service?It is customer

service. Am I a customer?Yes, and you

asked to open an account. Then I would

like some service. And I said I can mail

you an application or we can process one

if you're in the store. That's not going

to work. I've told you that. I don't want

my mom to see it. How old are you?

Eight. 8 years old?Yeah. Can I speak to

your mother, please?Let's just get this

taken care of. Not if I'm speaking to an



cash in my hand right now and I want to

spend it on a credit card. Let me speak

to your mother, please. I could buy and

sell you. May I speak to your mother or

I'm going to end the call. Can I speak to

your manager?I'm the manager. OK. Can I

speak to your mother then?My mother does

not work here. Where does she work?

David, may I help you?Hi. I'd like to say

I'm really sorry. I just really, really

want that card. Well, I can't. I can't

process the card for an 8 year old. I

know. I know you've got problems. I've

got problems. We all have problems.

Well, I, you know, this is extraordinary

what you're asking me to do. Don't be

such a hard assOh, not if you can't use

that language with me. I'm sorry. I'm

sorry. I accept your

apology. Thank you. I love your

store. And I love everything in it.

And I just want to have those things for

myself. Haven't you ever really wanted

anything?Like a boyfriend?Uh,

yeah. Um, you know, what else can I do

for you?Do you want me to send you an

application?I could hook you up with a

cute guy. You're crazy. I'm not going to

talk to you anymore, okay?I'm very sorry.

I'm just going to keep calling back. Why

would you want to do that?I got nothing

to do. All right, well,You know what?I'll

call the police then, Anya. Go ahead and

call them. I've been arrested before.

Bye-bye.

Please! k*ll me now!

Thank you for calling. This is Nick. How

may I help you?Hi, this is Bobby

Fletcher. Hi, I'm calling because I'm a

producer of a new video series and we

donate all the money to charity and we're

just looking for a couple ladies down

there to maybe help us out with it. What

you'd need to do would be to speak with

our executive director, and she's not in

today. OK. She'll be in tomorrow. That's

fine. I just want to run a couple ideas

past you to see if this is good. It's a

series called Old Girls Gone Wild

You know, the ladies just get we film

getting a little crazy on camera. It

don't sound like something we'd be

interested. No, noWe've worked with a

bunch of them. We worked with you guys on

it last year. Yeah. It was

called All The Wet Volume 2. And they

just, you know, you could just take their

tops off and stuff. You know, we could

throw them 50 or 100 bucks. Well, do you

realize this is a retirement home?

Exactly. I mean, we've done, this is our



actually. Yeah. I don't recall ever

having them done do that last. No. Well,

they didn't do it there. No. We bring

them to a location. Yeah. You know, so

we've been doing this for a while and all

the money goes to charity. So it's for a

good cause. You know, if they feel a

little uncomfortable, you know, we can,

you know, put some bingo chips on the

areolas or whatever. Look, if they want

to get their teeth out, you pull their

teeth out, they go nuts on each other.

That's fine too. I can't think of

anybody. No. And we've done a whole

series. I don't know if you've probably

heard of Seniors and Spunk Volume 5. We

did that one last year. No, I've never

heard of it before. Well, what we need

the ladies to do is just, you know, they

can hold their breasts up in the picture

because we can't have them hanging down

like slinkys. You know, we'll throw them

some. You know, it might be good. You

know what I mean?It might be something

good before. OK, I'll let her know and

have her return your call. I might as

well make a few bucks. It's not like

they're going to embarrass themselves,

you know?OK. They're probably going to be

dead by the time the video comes out

because it takes like nine months.

Hello. Tasha Smith, please. Who's

this?Hi, this is Bob Scheck from Seafood

Liquidators. We're trying to find your

house. We have you listed as living at



lost. Yeah, we didn't. I didn't order any

seafood. We have. I'm sorry, but there's

your name is on an invoice here. 200 lbs

of scallops. Oh, no, no, noThese things

are really starting to smell. If I could

just drop them off from you and get the

COD. Oh, God, no. Yes,

ma'am. I'm just the delivery guy. I have

to drop these scallops off. I I

have to. Not here. It's my job on the

line here. It's if I could just.

Whoa, ma'am.

You just got boomed.

Boomer in the nudge 97.1. We really had

you going there. What were you thinking

with Boobs and you got 200 lbs of

scallops coming your way?That is so me.

What was going through your head right

then?What?Come on now. Come on,

because I said you had 200 lbs scallops

and you didn't order 200 lbs scallops.

But I was saying that you had 200 lbs

scallops. You think, Oh my God, I didn't

order 200 lbs scallops. You didn't order

a pound of scallops. You could get 200

lbs scallops. Do you like

scallops?

You don't even like it when you got 200

lbs of scallops coming, but you didn't

order 200 lbs of scallops. And I said

that you had 200 lbs of scallops coming.

Can you imagine calling somebody up who

doesn't like scallops and saying you got



dude. I just did it. Oh

my goodness, 101 out. Actually,

this is 97.1. What jab of the hottest,

freshest mix of hits everybody can listen

to from the 80s, 90s to today. It's soft

rock. Let's talk about some continuous 15

minutes. Mega locks music every hour.

Listen for the party chicken at 7:10 AM

and get that super sticker on your car.

Our prize patrol might pull you over with

the hottest giveaways. Win with the

sticker, stick with the winner. Hot hits.

BoobTell her what she's won. Well, OK.

You just want a seafood buffet, Captain

Cranky's. That's all the shellfish and

sand dollars that you can get down that

gullet of yours. you know There won't be

no scallops in that order.

Thanks a lot. What's your favorite radio

station, honey?What did you say you

were again?Oh, come on now. It's 97.1.

Let me hear you say. 97.1. Now where

should we put these scallops?In the

garbage can. Oh,

no. We'll have somebody call you. OK,

bye-bye. Fantastic.

Good afternoon, it's Rihanna. Hi there,

darling. Hello. I'm

calling because I left something at your

place. What'd you leave?My

heart. You left your heart?I

met a girl named Ruthie in



and I was looking for her.

She's not here. UhI'm

looking to bring some of my friends over

there for a reunion. OK?

Almost 40 years ago. Very

nice. We congregated

there and we made sweet

love to a bevy of

beauties. Wonderful.

Root was known as Poop

sh**t Root. Was she?Yeah,

because she liked it in the bottom. OK,

if you know what I mean. She gave me

crap. It's not here, but there are a

bunch of girls down here. Show if you

want to come down. Oh, yeah?YeahI

like black girls. I have that too.

All right. I get my friends and

my brother Charlie, and we'll

come down there this weekend. Great.

Saturday night. Sounds good.

Around 4:30 in the afternoon, 'cause

we go to bed early, OK?And we'll

Make Love to some black girls in the

poop sh**t. There you go. Just like in

the old days. OK. What's your

name, darling?Brianna. I'd like to

set something up with you there.

Actually, unfortunately, I just work in

the office, darling. I'm sorry. I think I

could turn you around. I don't know about

that. But you come down and visit our

girls, OK?I haven't had a derection in

the last 25 years. Uh,

you'll have no problems here. OK?My

friend Tommy gave me some

Viagra. And I'm going to take

one or two of those things there, and

I'm hoping to have a heart attack.

Would you stop, silly?That's how I always

want to go. Make sure you come down here

Saturday, OK?Where are you located at?You

go down Hwy. 50, about 6 miles from





include the golden showers?I'm

sorry. My brother Charlie likes to get

urinated on. OK, well, I'm sure you can

probably set that up with one of the

girls. That sounds beautiful. You're a

sweetheart, darling. Well, listen,

darling, I gotta go. But you come down

here and see the girls. I'm coming down.

I'll see you on Saturday. Wonderful. I'll

give it to you right up the poop chute

You're silly. All right. You have a nice

day now. I love you, darling. OK. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye.

This is Karen. How can I help you?Hi,

Karen. My name is Marion Simons and I'm

calling on behalf of my daughter. She

needs to have some work done. What type

of work?Well, you know, my first

question is, do you give a discount for

multiple procedures?Because let me tell

you something, she needs the works.

That is between you and the doctor. A lot

of times he does do that. Mm-hmmI see.

If it's a total lower body lift,

something of that nature, a lower body

lift, that sounds fantastic. Well, she's

got some. She does. She does kind of

carry some weight below her waist. Yeah,

yeahThat's one procedure I

know he won't discount. He will not. OK,

not a lower body lift, right?Well, you

know, it might be worth it in her case.

Um, I mean, the poor girl could barely

walk straight. Well, what's her problem?

Well, she is 11 years old and

she feels like when she looks in the

mirror, you know, she's ugly. And you

know, frankly, and I can say this because

she's out of the room, I agree with her.

So I think she would just feel so much

better about herself and better when she

goes to her social functions if she

could, you know, have some work done and.

We were thinking about some upper and

lower eyes, maybe a mid facelift.

OK, now, how old is your daughter again?

She's 11. OK, Yeah. And she, you know,

she's just, you know, in this, the

age of, you know, MTV and the Britneys,

you know, all the girls want to be

perfect and I want to make her happy. And

what do you think she needs?Well, you

know, she she kind of wants to go from

being, you know, I guess she'd legally

classify her as unattractive to being

presentable. And, you know, I'd love some

nose sculpting on her. I'm sure her

septum is deviated. Well, I'm going to

have to back up. Am I understanding she's

not even reached at. She's 11. Yes. Yeah,

she's 11 years old. You know what?I think

you've called the wrong office. That's a

little bit too young. This is the the

plastic surgeon's office, right?RightBut

the age, she's just too young to have

those kinds of procedures then. I live.

Well, she's very mature. And let me tell

you, she is 11 going on 40. You know,

she's had two boyfriends already. And I'm

really sorry, but I I I know requested a

heart-shaped, you know, assIt's and so

that lower body sculpting might be

perfect. You know,

money. Money is not an issue here. I want

to make her happy. That doesn't matter

from a medical, ethical standpoint.

That's way too young for a child to be

having cosmetic surgery. What if, you

know, what if she worried about the, you

know, the ethical stuff after she got her

implants?You know what I mean?And an 11

year old is inappropriate. You cannot

implant. We can pay cash. I'm really

sorry. The answer is no, but we won't

even consider any of those types of

things. Well, thank you. You've just

ruined a life today. I'm sorry. Bye-bye.

Hello. Hi, my name is Ed. Can I

ask you a couple questions, Sir?Uh, not

really, because I'm going to go out the

door. It's only going to take one minute.

Go ahead. OK. Do you know any slow

or special people?No.

No?NoOkay. Question number

two.

Do you know any slow or special people?

No. NoNoAll

right. Question number three.

Do you know any slow or special people?

No. NoNoAll right.

Question number four.

Do you know any slow or special people?

No. OK,

question #5. Do

you know any slow or special people?

No. OK,

question #6. Where is it?Right here. OK,

OKDo you know any slow or

special people?

What was that?No. NoOK,

All right. Question #7.

Okay, here it is. Do you know any slow

or special people?No. NoNope.

Not one?Not one. Okay.

Question number eight.

Do you know any slow or special people?

No. No

Okay. Question number nine.

Do you know any slow or special people?

Nope. No?No

Not one. Not one. OK.

Question #10. We only have a couple more,

Sir. Do you know

any slow or special people?No.

NoNoNot one. Not one. All

right. Question

#11. Oh,

OK. Here it is. Do you know any slow or

special people?No. NoYou don't

know any?No. Not one. Not one.

OK. Yeah, come on, come on

This is enough with this, all right?I got

to go. Bye. Sir, I'm just asking you a

question. I'm asking you one question.

Yee-haw!