02x19 - Bob Odenkirk & Fred Armisen

[bunniefuu]

Come one, come all, 'cause we're having a

ball. We're just making some calls to

strangers. Come on, come

onYou can say what you want, and they'll

never know if you're deranged. Oh,

what?But it doesn't really matter. No, it

doesn't really matter. 'Cause we'll all

be doubled over with laughter at the

expense of others. Maybe even your

mother. Won't you join the Crank Yankers

tonight?Crank Yankers!

Hello. HelloWith whom am I speaking?

Chris. Hello, Chris. This is Niles

Standish calling. Yes, Niles Standish.

Hello. I'm looking for a personal

trainer. OK. All right. Now, here's

what's what. Sort of an extreme

request. Go ahead. Are you familiar

with paintballing?Yeah. All right.

Here's what's what. I am an avid

hunter. Yeah. I've tracked and bagged

many, many game. The one prey I've yet to

bag is the most elusive of all is the

human hunt. Now, what I'm looking for is

somebody who is in excellent physical

shape. And you want to hunt me?What can

you bench?250 lbs. And

how fast is your quarter mile?I don't

know, but it's fast. Fast. You're a fast

runner. I need a sprinter and someone who

also has longevity. And how much are you

going to pay me?What do you make a week?



Yeah. Will you double it?$3200 for

you to hunt me?No way. You can ask me

more than that. Talk to me. 10,000

cash. That may work for me.

Guy, you're out of your mind. Have you

been hunted before?Oh, so

how would you know that 10 isn't a fair

price?Have you ever hunted anybody

before?I have. And how much did you pay

them?Well, it was actually substantially

less than 10, but the person wasn't was

not in very good shape and we were able

to overcome them within 12 hours. We.

Well, there's there's myself and my

hunting associates. There's three of us.

Now the paintballs themselves will be

will be half filled with a flat latex.

And half kurare. It's a nerve toxin

felling you for long enough for me to

urinate on your feet, thereby marking my

territory. You should wear boots. High

boots. So you're going to sh**t me with a

little kurare so that I'm numbed down on

the foot and so you can urinate on my

feet?Yes, but that's why you'll want to

wear boots. OK, I'll wear boots. You'll

be stripped down to a loincloth and

released into the wild with nothing but a

compass and some fruit roll-ups. OK. And

eat them sparingly, because that's all

you're getting. OK.

You you seem to have a quite a bit of

confidence in your ability to get away.

You'll never get me. Watch me, baby. Do

you remember when Gilligan was haunted by

the hunter on the island?No. Well, he

was. All right, love. I want you to get a

good night's sleep. I want you to eat up

all your vegetables. It's gonna start

tomorrow. No, we'll be going probably

this weekend. I'm going to pick you up.

I'll be outside in my Fiat. In your Fiat.

I'm going to slap you on your

hindquarters, send you off into the woods

and come a gunning. I'm gunning for you,

Chris, and I love it.

Hello. Yeah, I

want to hunt human.

Hello. HelloWhat is your name?

I'm Virginia. How are you?I'm

Virginia. I want to throw a party.

We're not really a party store. We're a

pinata store. Pinata is good.

Maybe you can help me with pinata. I'll

try. I want everyone to appreciate

all religion. Yes, uh-huhOK,

first, do you make signs?Oh, honey, I can

do anything you want. You just bring me a

pic. OK, over here. OK,

what does it say?Islam is number one.

Why are you?Why?'Cause you

know, you're you're in America here.

United States is number one. Islam is

maybe number two or three. You know, it's

like saying Bronco's number one. Bronco--

I can't make a banner though, honey. I

miss you pinatas. Okay, we talk

about pinata, okay?Can you make a

pinata of George Bush?

I can may have them make bin Laden. No,

No no, noGeorge Bush.

Can you fill the pinata with candy?

Yes, of course. We want red candy.

Red candy that look like blood. So you

want me to betray my country to make you

happy?No, no, no, no, no, noIt's not

betray. This is party. Well, why don't

you go party in your own country?I raise

money for my wife at home. That's what I

don't understand, is that Islam can't

stand America, and yet you come over here

for your education and everything else.

We come here for make money, because...

Well, of course. Because America is where

only place. That's right. And yet people

want to put us down. It's a free country.

Can't people have party?You see the

government in Islam?Yes?How they allow

the people to live in the ruins there

instead of making the city nice like we

do for our people?Look, they have no

money. They have no money.

Listen, in your country, they allow the

poor to stay poor and the rich to get

rich. How about this?We put hummus and

tahini in Bush's head. That way it's

splattered like brains. You know what?

You bring me a picture, then I can do it

for you. See, this is good. This is free

country now. Hey, it always has been.

That's why we are blessed under God.

Because God bless America. Doesn't say

God bless Islam. Well, you wrote it,

wise guy. You You wrote the God bless. I

just... Listen. You have to know your

history correct. When

When the country was founded, they put a

big cross into the ground, and they

said, God bless America.

Okay?In the Bible, the Bible even has a

symbol as the eagle. Oh, you say

everything you want. Just make me

pinata with Bush's head that I can

swing at. and blow up. Listen, what

what matters is is the heart, and that's

what God sees. Can you say pinata again

for me?Pinata. Pinata. I like the

way you say that. All right. Pinata.

Pinata. Nice. Okay. You have

a good day. Bye-bye. America is Satan.

But you love being here in hell, huhLook,

I love being here until I go back. I have

to go back to Syria and be with my

wife. You're too busy having your bean

beat over there by men. This is problem.

You're talking Afghanistan. I'm Syria.

We're the good guys. Oh, but you're still

in Islam against America. We're just

blowing off steam. I'll see you if you

get in here. Bye-bye. Taliban-tastic.

This is Theresa. Can I help you?Hi,

Theresa. Is this a collapse?It is.

Do you have, for the bed, colorful clits

The what?Quilts. Quilts

to put on your bed. Quilts for the bed.

Quilts, yes. That's what I said. We don't

sell quilts. No. It's for my brother. He

wants to order a gift to give to his

girlfriend. Oh, OK. Well, anyways, do you

have a pottle of Lil?No. Sorry.

What about fabrics?We do sell fabrics.

I would put it by, but let me explain his

situation. All right. All rightHe has a

speech impediment. OK. Cannot speak very

clearly. OK. Now I'm going to help

translate. OK, just do me a favor. Don't

laugh at him. I won't. OK,

Clay, put on the phone.

Yes. This is my brother Clay. OK. Now

he wants to order. I'd like to purchase a

gift for my girlfriend. He'd like to

purchase a gift for his girlfriend. OK.

She has several crafts that she enjoys.

That she does. Let me translate, please.

He she has several crafts that she

enjoys. Oh, good. Go ahead, Clay. Well,

she likes to talk slowly. You're doing

fine. She likes to knit. She

quit a while ago and I'd like to start

fresh and get her a completely new kit.

Let me tell you what he said. Slow down.

Slow down. No, I heard it. No, no, noYou

did it here. I heard it clearly. She

recently stopped. Excuse

me. He has a speech impediment. She

recently stopped and now he

wants to make her start again. Uh huhI

heard. How much were you wanting to spend?

Clay. In the hundred $150.00

range, $250 is what he

wants. Instead of doing this over the

phone, I'd like to come down and just

check out your store. You're confusing

the lady, please. I'm sorry. My you're

doing good. You're doing really good.

Thank you so much. That encouragement is

what he needs to hear. I just. I really

want to do this right because I think

Jenny's the one. No, no, he says he's

really not sure about this Jenny girl.

She seems kind of a slutty and her

father is a Mexican. OK,

why don't I get some stuff together for

you?And then you could come in. Yeah, I'd

like to come into the store. He can't

come into the store is what he's saying.

He can't do it. Refuses. I'm

completely willing to come down at any

time. You apologize right now, Clay. What

am I sorry for?For being rude.

You're not being rude. Sorry, ma'am. Put

your brace in your mouth. No one can

understand the world you're claiming. I

can understand him clearly. How many

times do I tell you not to say the word

completely?No one can ever tell the word

for it. I know I have trouble with that.

I completely understand. I'll stop

saying completely. What?He's saying the

word completely. I hear. OK, completely.

I have to go completely. Bye, guys.

Say it clearly. Completely.

Completely.

Completely.

Completely.

Hi, this is Eric. Can I help you?Hi,

Eric. My name is Terrence. I'm the

assistant to Darryl Hall and John Oates

Hall and Oates. Yes. And they've heard

about your boots at the Boot Barn and

they're interested in getting some boots

for themselves. Are you looking for a

particular hide from an exotic?Yes, I am.

OK, we got Gator. We have different kinds

of Gator. We got different forms of

ostrich, from the full quill to a leg to

a three piece shoulder to three piece

leg. Yes. So they'll go all the way up to

the shoulder. No, the shoulder is the

ostrich skin. The ostrich, the shoulder

of an ostrich. Oh, it's an actual ostrich

shoulder. Because Oates John

has deformed knees, and I think that

would be wonderful if he were able to

keep those knees in place with ostrich

shoulders. OK, so when can you bring

those by?I don't know if we can carry

them out of the store and bring them by

there. If we could get that tonight, that

would be wonderful because they're in a

boot buying mood right now, let me tell

you. OK, John wears

the men's size 5. And Daryl

wears the 6 1/2. Do you have anything on

the endangered list?We have

one pair of anteater, but that's in a

size 13 if we still have it. I haven't

seen that in a while though. Really.

That's wonderful. Because do you remember

their song Maneater?To have

anteater boots while performing the

song Maneater, it could be crazy.

Get a pair of Anteater boots in the size



and bring those by. OK, Eric, just if I

could tell you a couple of things. When

you meet Daryl and John, don't behave in

too familiar a fashion with them. Do you

know what I'm saying?They're big stars.

They don't like to be looked at or

touched or spoken to. So what

we're going to need you to do is I or

someone will open the door and if you

could throw the boots into the room, they

will look at them and then they will

decide as to which boots they're going to

purchase. Yes. Are you helpful in getting

the boots on?We have some. What are they

called?Those boots?Boots spurs.

Yes, yesSo what we're going to

do is we are going to open the door

crack and then John and Daryl will stick

their leg out the door and you can

insert the boot spurs and pull their

boots on for them. OK. OK

And John's feet smell, just so you know.

And no tickling also. OK, I'll see what I

can do. And then maybe we'll all jump in

the bath together. So I'll see what I can

do for you. Yes, you will. See what you

can do for me. We'll

do things for each other.

Edgerton Women's Health Center, this is

Renee. Can I help you?Hi. Yeah, I'm

calling to make a gynecological

appointment to get my Yin Yang looked at.

OK. Have you been with us before?No, I

haven't. I'm visiting my sister right

now. And so no, I don't live in state.

OK. So I was curious about

the the price, the fee to

see the practitioner or the doctor would

be $100. And one of my questions

too is do you give discounts at all

if. Yeah, that's what the sliding scale

fee is. OK, but I mean. Could I get,

would I be able to get a further discount

if I have like a really nice hoo-ha?I

guess I don't understand what you're

saying. Well, I'm just, I'm it's not

based on your health, right?It's based on

your income. OK. Because I could pretty

much tell you right now that from

previous experience, the doctor's not

even going to want to charge me at all.

No, our doctors charge. They will always

charge if they're if you're going to come

in, you're going to see a physician, he's

going to do a PAP. Then they're going to

do a breast exam on you. They're going to

go over your health history report with

you. There's going to be a cost. The

breast exam will probably lower it too,

because I have great boobsI'm just, I'm

used to men paying a lot of money to see

my UU. So, um, it's

just sort of weird for me to pay somebody

to look at it. Yeah, I mean, I it's not

even depends on if I can get you in with

the physician, I mean. Most of our

openings are with the nurse practitioner.

Well, I'm telling you, they're going to

learn a lot from me too. So I understand

what you're saying about the sliding

scale. I just, you know, and I guess I

could just see when I get there, how

everyone reacts, because most people,

when they see it, they just freak out

because they can't believe how beautiful

it is. OK. Did you want to go ahead and

get scheduled then?Yeah, I'd love to get

scheduled. OK. And your name is

Cami. OK. You sound a little like

mad at me, like you're jealous or

something. No, no, not at all. OK, 'cause

I'm totally used to that too. Oh, I've

just never had people ask for discounts

based on that criteria, right?Well, maybe

they should start. OK, the first opening

I do have would be tomorrow. Yeah,



thing I'm going to have to insist on is

if the doctor gets turned on, I totally

don't want to pay because that's like

what I get paid for. OK, well, you're

going to be seeing one of the nurse

practitioners. You won't be seeing a man

at all. OK. I mean, I can't be held

accountable for what happens to her,

though, either. I'm sure that that's not

going to happen. OK. OKWe'll see.

Sure. OK. Thank you. Bye. Bye. Bye.

How are you doing?My name is Chip

Douglas. I'm from a Hispanic watchdog

organization. We look around at things to

see if they're Hispanic. Do you

understand?Is this a newspaper?Yes, it

is. OK, so I'm looking at your newspaper,

and the cartoons are all Anglo people,

OK?Marmaduque,

et Nupe, family circles. It's

all white. And what we need to see

is more Hispanic flavor,

OK?OKThings with big

mustaches. And frizzy

hair and and things like that. OK,

shouldn't be blondie. Should be brownie.

Did you ever hear of Guadalupe the cat?

No, I don't think so. It's from

Guatemala. And this cat makes diarrhea

every single minute of the day. But then

he turns the diarrhea into his friend.

OK, Sir, we don't do those cartoons here,

right?Exactly. But I do. So

here's my pitch for a cartoon, OK?These

two Spanish guys are Mexican day

laborers, and one is like this. I need.

Money, mito. I need a job. Get a job. And

then he takes out his switchblade and he

cuts them up really good. And he goes,

here's a job for you. I'm sorry, Sir.

Right now we're just not interested in

changing our. OK, OKHere's another one

then. There's a Mexican like a burrito,

like a burro, like a little donkey. And

he's always making poo poo. And then he

throws it at a little kid and he says,

here's a job for you. And he takes out

his switchblade. No, I don't think so.

OK. How about Mexican jumping beans?And

they jump up and down like this... No,

thank you. But they're a family.

I appreciate the call, but we're just...

Are you r*cist?This is a watchdog

organization, and it seems like you don't

like Latinos and Spanish people. Well, I

don't appreciate that comment. I majored

in Spanish. I have one that's Cesar the

worm. It's a worm inside a tequila

bottle. Tequilla. Por favor. Listen,

Mr. I got another one. It's like this.

It's Senor Siesta, and it's a lazy

worker, and he's laying down. In the

gutter?No. I don't

think how that helps really either. It

seems like to me that's just perpetuating

stereotypes. Yeah, but you know something?

In a way, it teaches people to love each

other. Do you know what I mean?I I mean,

I'm I'm in charge of the editorial

content of the paper. I don't I don't do

anything with comics. Maybe you're r*cist

against me. I appreciate your call. I

hope your comic strip does well. Here's

another one. Los Zeros. It's a Mexican

family that starves all the time. They

never eat. I have to go now. Thank you.

Bye.

Yee-haw!