02x12 - Wanda Sykes & Kevin Nealon

[bunniefuu]

Oh, what?But it doesn't

really matter No, it doesn't really

matter 'Cause we'll all be doubled over

with laughter At the expense of others,

maybe even your mother Won't you join the

Crank Yankers tonight?Crank

Yankers!

Correctional. Hello. I would like to

talk to someone about volunteering for

conjugal visits. You'd have to

talk to the guidance counselor for

whoever you wanted to visit. Oh, no one

in particular. I just want to just who?

There's a lonely fellow who needs a

little something. That's not how it

works. It can only be family. So. So

I can if if my cousin is there, I

can come, you know, and have a conical

visit in the trailer. But he has to be

related to me, correct. Do you know if

they, if they provide you with rubbers or

you got to bring your own?I would assume

that you have to bring your own. I don't

think we supply any. You think our tax

dollars do a little something, right?

Yeah, you would think, you know, I just

do it cause I like to see the smiles on

their faces. I'm sure you would. I'm just

trying to do my part. I tell you, I I got

some sugar walls, baby. You know, just

it just sucks all the anger right out of

a man. Exactly. Have you ever dated a man

in the joint?Oh God, no. There was just

some about him. Don't appeal to you. No,

no, no, noThat's not permitted. I take

those some sexy b*stards up in there. No,

I'm sure they are. They really are. You

ever watch that show Oz?Oh yeah. Boy, I

tell you, they get it. They get it on,

don't they?They do. They, you know, but

it's. I think you should have a go at it.

No, no, go in there and conjugate. Yeah.

But what about you and me?No. You you

kind of you looking for some action?Not

at this time. I tell. I'll loosen you

right up. I'm sure you would. I tell you,

girl. I'll lick you cross eyes. You know

the the, the, the, the warden. Boy, I

tore him up. Did you?Oh, boy, do we have

a go at it. Now he is one who definitely

needs some little something. You know, he

was a little all little all uptight at

first. I'm sure he was. You know, he's.

Did you know he was a freak?The quiet

ones usually are. He made me eat a donut

off his assWhat is that?Was it

was it was glazed with sprinkles.

I'm sure he liked that.

And then, you know, like that silly

string stuff. He made me do his

ba*ls all in silly string. Oh yeah, this

one is silly string all on his ba*ls.

I had to shove 4 Jelly beans

inside his p*nis. Oh

yeah, I didn't get it myself. But

you know, I had a time shoving them in

that old little wrinkle up thing. But

can't even imagine. Yeah, guess what?What

Uncircumcised girl. Yep.

Still got the cap on. He did. He kept

yelling to me. Who's your prisoner?

Who's your prisoner?Oh, God. You

know, I had to get bed check and I

had, you know, hop up in the bed, eat the

donut off his assI said. But

he's a free. Watch out for that. I will.

I I definitely will. Well, it was good

talking to you. Oh, good talking to you

too. Because I'm. I, yeah, I just. I'm

finished now. I'm sure. Was it good for

you?Oh, it was great for me. Thank you.

Thank you very much. OK. I'm going

to get a cigarette. OK. Take it easy. All

right. All rightBye. Bye. Bye.

Good morning, Dr. Wagner's office. Who am

I talking to here?My name is Janelle. Oh,

hi there, Janelle. I'm looking to make an

appointment, but I need a

dentist whom I could trust.

OK, 'cause I had some problems with the

last fella. Oh, really?So I got

teeth falling out of my face.

They came out into my mashed potato last

night and I swallowed it.

And it went down in me and then it came

out of my toilet. And I'm. I

got to get it put back in my head.

OK. OKI don't think that's something we

can do. Who did?Did it

come off?Is it an actual tooth or did it

went down?It's a tooth. And I had the

Jamaican girl that works for me go

through the toilet and wash it out good

and clean. So she burled it. She put it

in a burler. And she burled it. So it's

sterile. OK, now is that is that a real

tooth or or did it come off a denture?It

came out of my mouth here. OK, I don't

know which ones are real and which ones

are fake anymore. I just want to. I

need somebody to look at me here good and

quick, cause my gums are bleeding like a

Puerto Rican in a knife fight here. Did

you want to come down today?My grandson

sent me to the last dentist that I went

to. This fella opened my fly

on the last one, I think. OK. And

this fella, I think he was g*y

because he was looking at me in a weird

kind of way. OK. And I'm a handsome man.

I used to compete in shows.

You should have seen me in



Island Bodybuilding competition.

I won Mr. Coney Island



medal, but I lost it.

Is there a nurse there?Yes. Please tell

her not to push too hard on my

stomach because I got a weak bladder.

Well, we won't be pushing on your stomach

at all. OK, because I wet myself. OK, a

lot. All the time. I don't think we're

going to be able to help you here in our

office. All right, come to my house. I'll

give you my address and my grandson will

pick you up. Oh, no. Why don't you have

your grandson give us a call and set up

your appointment?My grandson is the one

who set me up with that zipper undo

last time. I think he met him in a

parade, he said. And I don't trust

this guy. Jillian, you got to help me

with this. I'm old. I don't like dying in

the phone. Let me give you to another

dentist. I'll come in there and take off

my shirt. You could take pictures with

me. No. Like Coney Island in



don't. You sound like a beautiful girl.

Oh, my grandson. If only he would meet a

girl running around in these parades.

I tell him you're going to catch the A*DS

over there. He don't listen to me,

right?OK. OKI'll come down

there. I'll bring you some flowers or

maybe a big melon or something. Oh,

that's not necessary. Thank you. OK. And

I'll squeeze it all over my body.

Adoptions. Chris speaking. How may I help

you?Hi, this is Bobby Fletcher. Hi, how

are you?Good. How are you?Good. I'm just

wondering what kind of dogs you have

there that might be able to adopt. Oh,

you look for small or big.

I don't know. You know, something that's

kind of cute. OK, we got a c*ck

spaniel. It's really cute. Yeah, five

months old. We've got a seven month old

golden retriever who's really cute. What?

What kind of dog is going to get

someone's attention while I'm walking it

is what I'm trying to say. What do you

mean?You know, when I'm walking through

the park or whatever, the people are

going to come up and say how cute it is.

I would say the c*ck Spaniel. The

c*ck Spaniel. Yeah. So you think, I

guess, like, you know, some hot chicks

coming up and saying, you know, why not?

Uh, huhOK. Because, yeah, that's what I'm

looking for. OK. Uh, So what do I

have to do?Well, if you want to come down

and take a look, if you like her, we can

do a vacation. I'm

not really a dog person, but you knowI'm

in a big slump, so I got to meet women

somehow. My friend said if you have a

dog, they just come running up to you.

So when I'm done with it, what do I do?I

bring it back to you guys or something?Or

absolutely not. We're looking for

lifetime commitments. What's that?We're

looking for lifetime commitments. I I

can't have the dog for life. OK, then

just get it out. I'm gonna bust. I'm

gonna bust out of my slump eventually. I

don't need it for life. We got that as

people that want pets. Well, I do want a

pet. I I, you know. I'm very sorry, Sir.

I don't think we can help you here. I

don't understand what the problem is. I

mean, you guys, you guys are going to put

the dog to sleep, so why not take it off

your hands for a few weeks?A no what?A no

k*ll shelter. We don't put the dogs to

sleep. Well, what do you do with them if

no one adopts them?We hold on to them

until they get adopted. Well, let me just

borrow for a few weeks. Look, I've been

with, I've been with like 3 fat chicks in

the last few months. I got a bust out.

I'm a fat chick and I take offense for

that. Well, I didn't mean. I didn't mean

it towards you. I cannot continue this

conversation anymore. I don't understand

what the problem is. Was I with you?I'm

very sorry. I just want a dog that's

going to attract women. I don't want a

bunch of q*eer dudes trying to pet my

filthy animal, you know?Hold on one

second. I'll let you speak to the

manager. I want to speak to you. Can I

help you with something?Yeah. Who's this?

My name is Lonnie. Hi, Lonnie. How fat is

Chris?That's an inappropriate question.

said she was fat.

Hello. Hello, my name is Connie. I'm an

operator for Voice Assisted Services.

Umm I have a phone call for you from a

Mr. Mark Premise. Now, Mr. Premise is a

handicapable person who speaks with the

assistance of voice generated technology.

Oh, OK. May I have your name?This is

Barbara. Barbara, I'm going to connect

you. Go ahead, please. OK. Hello.

HelloHelloCan you hear me?

Yes, I'm shy, but

I like it dirty. You

do?What are you wearing?

I'm wearing a t-shirt and a pair of

little cotton panties. Mmmmm.

Mmm huhYum. Yum

I like as play. I've

never done a call like this before.

Me neither. You either?

So what do you have in mind here?Can you-

you can't- Talk sex with me?

HmmI bet you're horny huhVirgin. A

virgin, oh my goodness. That's

something, huhSad. Do you have any

means of pleasuring yourself?Sort

of it. And does it react?

Sort of it. Feels good, huh

Work the chest. Work the chest. Yeah.

Work the chest.

HmmI'm not

sure I'm getting this. Go, girl.

Go girl, huhMoan, please.

More More more more

more more more My car is broken

Your what's broken?Do you have bikes?

Do I have what?Malfunction

I am confused Do you dance?Don't

you remember me?Do you have any children?

Ha ha ha, that is funny

Uh oh Tell me sexy things

umm Squeeze my breath and rub him in the

face. I think I'm gonna blow

danger initiate self-destruct. Ten.

I'll make you feel mean. Nine.

Eight. Put my nipple in your mouth and

suck on it. You can do that, can't you?

Five. Mmm, now the other

one. Four. Mmm. Three.

Put you right up inside. Two.

One. You like that, don't you?

I missed myself. You missed

yourself?Well, that means you had a good

time, right?I think I

love you. Oh, you do, huh

I don't know what to say. Goodbye, baby,

or good times.

This is her. Shah, this is Niles Standish

calling. OK. Can I tell you something?

Certainly. I am betrothed. Yay.

I want to start planning the most lavish

affair of the season. OK. Now I want

something elaborate and a bit gauche.

Yes. YesOK. Yes. YesAnd how much

do you end?Yes. Yes

Work with me, Shah. Yes. Yes

Yes, yesThere we are. All right, here's a

few things. I'm marrying my best friend,

my lover, my dear, dear Aunt Gertie.

OK, now there are several wedding

traditions in our regal clan. OK, yes, yes

Yes, yesNow, are you familiar with the

gelatin that surrounds gevilda fish?What

we do is a sort of sort of similar. We

slather a liberal dollop of the gevilda

fish Jelly on the mother of the bride and

dust her with what resembles chocolate

jimmies. It's an old tradition. We

also will be doing a A5 point hymen check

at the reception. How that works is if

the bride's hymen isn't found to be

intact and champagne all around. If the

hymen is discovered to have been

breached, we serve domestic ale or

something. It's an old tradition. Yes. Yes

OK, wonderful. Now we also want to be

giving each other our own vows. OK,

I've written a poem and I'd like you to

to hear it. See if we're on the same

page. Yes. YesYesAll right, here we are.

Walk with me up the matrimonial hill and

we will drink deep of my creamy spill.

True, trueYou are my auntie, my aged,

decrepit auntie. But I will slight such

wretched fires in your wrinkled loins.

God himself willeth turned away

in revulsion. Yes, yes,

yes, yesSo how many guests are you

expecting at the floating now?That's, I

would say roughly somewhere between 3:00

to 1200.

OK. This is a marriage of

convenience, if you know what I'm saying.

Is it?Yes, yes, yes,

yes, yesWonderful, wonderful, shall.

Few other things. We will need a special

chalice so that the newly betrothed

couple can imbibe in the urine of the the

bride's father. It's a custom from

biblical times, and the bladder was

thought to be the body's center of

health. And Speaking of bladders,

quickly, the young men at the reception

will be engaging in a spirited game of.

Which is essentially soccer that's played

with a sheep's bladder stuffed with the

sheep's and goats eyes and the winning

team will eat the eyes. So we'll need a

large blood resistant space,

OK?And they they will be wearing fake

like vampire fangs. Yes, yes,

yes, yesAlso, we'll be needing to do

the traditional pouring of melted butter

on the heads of 10 babies. Several of the

clan will bring their their children. We

will rest them over the altar and we will

take a a gooseneck dollar pouring device

and spread the butter all over the

heads of the innocent. All

right, all right, love. Listen, I'm going

to buzz you back. I love what I've heard

so far. And we're going to get this show

on the road. I'm going to marry my aunt.

We're going to have several inbred

children. It's going to be wonderful.

Yes, yes, yes, yesAll right.

Dennis speaking. How can I help you?Oh,

good, Dennis. Listen, I got, I got a

product question here. It's kind of a

awkward situation. I'm in a restroom

and I have OCD. You know what that is?

Yes. OK, good. OK,

I'm I'm in the restroom and I'm having

trouble getting out because I don't want

to touch the doorknob and there's Irish

Spring here and I got the number from the

back. If I wash my hands with the Irish

Spring, is it an antibacterial soap?

Well, which Irish Spring is it?It's like

the green bar. No, that's not

antibacterial. Oh, Jesus. You can still

wash your hands. It'll clean your hands.

Yeah, but. But then when I go touch the

doorknob to get out, I can't get out. And

so I feel like I'm trapped in here. Now I

have two children that are out in the

restaurant and I'm worried about them.

And it's been like 20 minutes. A 79 and

A7 and a nine year old. And I'm trapped

here in the stall. I mean, if it were me,

I'd just get up and walk out. I don't

know. I don't know. My children are out

in the restaurant. You know, ultimately

it's really all in your head. So I I

don't really have any. I know. I know

it's in my head, but it's it's not

really, if you know what I mean. Would

you do me a favor and just push the pound

sign real quick for me?Thank you. Thank

you. I'm glad you understand this

problem. Well, can't you just open up the

doorknob with a toilet paper?I don't want

to touch the toilet paper. It's got like.

Brown smudges on it and stuff. Well, you

really can't stay in that bathroom all

day. I can't stay in the bathroom. My

kids are out in the restaurant. I cannot

stay in this bathroom. Hello.

HelloAnybody out there?

Open the door. Are you trapped in the

stall itself or the bathroom itself?Well,

I'm in the stall that I could probably. I

don't want to slide out from under the

stall because then I have to slide across

that dirty floor. Just close your eyes,

hold your breath, and just run out of

there. All right, I'm gonna make a break

for it. I'm gonna make a break for it.

Stay with me. Stay right on the phone.

Okay, I'm going through. I'm going

through.

It didn't break. It didn't break, and I

got it on my clothes. Ohh

It's so dark and so cold in here. I

can't do this. Are you still in the stall?

I got the crap all over my clothes now.

Hit the number sign one time, please.

That was twice. Oh, my finger slip.

Can you hit it five times now?That was

too many times.

Well, maybe if you just keep pressing the

number sign, it'll it'll give me the

confidence to walk out of here. Okay.

But check in with me.

Okay, okay, good. Good I'm getting out.

I'm up. I'm out. I'm out of the

stall. Okay.

I'm going for the door now. Slower. A

little slower. A little slower.

All right, slower, slower, slower. I'm

opening the door. Path sign! Path sign!

Path sign!

Ahh! I'm on the b*mb sign! We're on the

b*mb sign! You left me high again!

You left

me high! Yee-haw!