02x10 - Fred Armisen & Sarah Silverman

[bunniefuu]

Oh, what?But it doesn't really matter

No, it doesn't really matter 'Cause we'll

all be doubled over with laughter At the

expense of others, maybe even your mother

Won't you join the Crank Yankers tonight?

Crank Yankers!

This is Tina, how may I help you?Hi, I

have a... Funny yet tragic

story. I left my diary on

my garbage cans and went

inside and they got picked up and I've

got to get it back

today. Hold on just a moment. OK.

Hi, this is Tom in the residential

apartment. I understand you're calling

about something that our guys took on

Friday. Did you find it?Did you find it?

Uh, no. That's going to be just about

impossible. Oh, God, I have faith in

you. It's so important, but you should

get off the phone now and start digging.

Digging. Yeah, yeah, it's gonna be tough

for you Friday. If you would have called

us Friday when it happened, there would

be a possibility that when the truck goes

to the landfill that you could possibly

find it inside the truck. But you know,

since 2 days have passed, in

fact, so you're gonna have to go, you're

gonna have to go 2 days deep.

I hope you're not understanding your

work, but it's just not possible. Would

money make it possible?I've got $10.00

for you if you can find it.

No, it's not a money issue. It's just

that it's not possible. Have you ever

been to a landfill?I get it. $15. Have

you ever been to a landfill?I grew up on

a landfill. You grew up on a landfill.

Well, yeah, in Israel.

So you, you know how much garbage goes

into a landfill?I don't get why you're

not digging right now. It's my

diary. If I don't write in it by



if you're not committing to it?You know

what I mean?I have a commitment for a

journal. Yeah. It's like my baby,

you know?I mean, it's like, I lost my

baby. I lost my baby. Could you find it,

you know, in the dump?No, it's

impossible, ma'am. You know, it's like

you write about the lady who was found in

the landfill and how long it took them to

find a body in the landfill. You can only

imagine that. A diary. Boring.

Maybe you could, um, put on some, like,

scuba gear and just dive down there. I

mean, you can guesstimate. There's just

no possible way that it can be recovered.

I know, but sweetie, so much happened to

me this weekend, and if I don't get it

down, then it's gonna go woo, you know,

out into the universe. I just, I have so

much in my head that I need to write

down, and I just need you to really chop,

chop, you know?I'll tell you, I'll

be putting this in my diary. I know.

But, you know, I have so much invested in

it. I've been writing it in it every

night for three days. You know,

for three days. Yeah. Yeah

OK. It's, you know,

almost a page per day.

So, you know, I could do is you get

digging. I'll wait by the curb. OK. All

right, Sanford?All right, bye-bye. All

right, bye, ugly. Ohh

Superal Hardware, may I help you?Hola.

Hola. What's your name?

Margie. Margie, hola. I'm finished making

my house. Congratulations to me. You what?

Congratulations to me. I'm finished with

my house. You're finished with your

house. OK. Yeah, I win. Thank you.

Gracias to you because you helped me. Oh,

OK. OKSo now I want to have a party.

Una Fiesta. So please to come. Would you

like to go?Where is this at?

Everywhere. Everywhere.

It's at my house. I made it because you

are the Fiesta de Hardware. Oh, please

come to see it because it is beautiful.

It is. So shiny. It's the most

beautiful plastic looking house you ever

see. It's shiny. I bought mirrors for the

door, mirrors for the floor. You have to

come and look at it so you can see

yourself. How pretty you are. Well, I'm

married.

No, I know. Me too. Yeah. Oh,

I probably can't come, but it sounds fun.

I'm crying. I'm crying right now.

Oh, yeah. YeahDon't you want to come to

my party?I wish I could, but I don't.

This is what I need. Listen to me very

carefully. OK?OKI need a hammer. I need

Scotch tape. I need masking tape. OK.

Electrical tape. Are you writing this

down?Gum, saliva, PP. Gum,

tape, clay, chocolate, salsa,

nails, thumb tacks, paper clips,

shoes, sneaker. OK, OK,

so you write down the list and you can

deliver it for the party for today

because it will be the best party ever.

With rubber bangs and flang and a

pinata and little children singing happy

birthday to you. Because congratulations

to me because it is the most beautiful

house and it's freezing outside. Do you

see how cold it is?Look, lookNo, it's not

very cold outside. Are you trying to be

mean to me?No. Are you trying to be

r*cist?No. OK. It's beautiful outside

and it's cold for me. And it's the most

beautiful house everywhere with a parking

garage on top. HuhTwo.

So please come. Do you like driving

movies?We can play kick the Chihuahua.

I don't think so. OK, listen, thanks so

much to you guys. You're the best. This

is the best hardware store on your

street. I went to the other one. You know

what they did to me?Tartelling. They hit

me. They hit me in my throat.

They hit me in my ear. They

hit me on my hair and my pee

pee. Oh, I think I better stop

this phone call before I get in trouble.

OK, please. You're right. You're right.

OK, goodbye. Gracias. Thank you. Bye. OK,

adios.

Off the lane. Do you have 8 LB ba*ls?Have

what?8 LB ba*ls. I got a



ba*ls, but they don't have any. OK, OK,

let's start over. Let's start over. Let's

start over. Let's start over. Let's start

over. Do you have eight pound ba*ls?I've

got eight pound ba*ls, yeah, but they're

not drilled yet. Just say yes

or no. Do you have eight pound ba*ls?

Can you understand English or not?I said

I have some brand new eight pound ba*ls

that don't have fingers. But we're just

asking you. Say yes or

no. We don't care about the holes. Oh,

yes. I have three of them. Yeah. Then

where do you buy your underwear?

You suck.

You jerk.

Yeah. Is this LJ?Yes. YesHello. LJ. I'm

spooning love from up above. I'm calling

about getting some driving lessons. OK.

You have a learner's permit for me?Yeah.

Well, you know, I just got out of the

joint, man. I haven't driven since, you

know, they took away my license. You

know, when I. Yeah, I went to jail. Yeah.

I went to jail for ramming the school bus

into a department store. Oh, OK.

OKI can ask you a question. Sure. If I,

like, accidentally k*lled a pedestrian, I

used it behind the wheel with me. Mhm.

Would that make me responsible?Yes. I

said, you know, one more strike and I'm

done, man. You're gonna be responsible

for that. You think there's any way I

could borrow the car for a few days?Oh,

no, you cannot borrow a car with

yourself. That way I could practice at

home. My man in charge of the operation

told me I'm. I'mI'm gonna be driving the

getaway car. I like to ram into crap. I

like to drive through doodoo and stuff

like that. Can I do like Donuts?

Do Donuts and all that. Why would you do

that?If you can cause another accident,

then you cannot get your life. Yeah, but

life is about living, man. If you want, I

can fax you a rate sheet. You have a fax

machine. I can get my hands on it. I've

got my hands on a few fax machines with

my time. I've. I'veI'veYeah, I could. I

think I could get a fax machine when you

need me to get it. You want to buy it?

What's up?No. You know what I did one

time?I dumped a body in a lake inside of

a car one time. Oh, my God. Yeah, man. I

was a prost*tute, man. Black chick. I

broke her arm too. You know, I got this

sadistic white dude inside of me that

breaks black prostit*tes arms and put

their bodies in cars. And that's why I

will learn how to. I need some lessons.

Oh yeah. Are your cars bulletproof?

Bulletproof?Yeah. No. Why

not?Why would a guy sh**t our driving

school cars?You know, I've seen a lot of

things happen. I'm. I'm up in Harlem.

So why don't you come pick me up?I got

some dudes standing in front. I think

they selling crack, but don't worry about

them. Oh my God, come pick me up. I

want to make a pickup first. Can we make

a pickup?I need to go to watch the

Tights. I need to make a few deliveries.

Few deliveries for what, Sir?2 keys,



you know, I can make you some money, man.

I can make you some quick dough. If a

police catches us, then then we're going

to be in trouble. Ain't nobody going to

know. Ain't nobody going to know, man.

No, it's difficult. I put $10,000 in

your pocket. We don't do ill*gal stuff

here. Do you carry a piece?We will be

partners. I don't know. That's

ill*gal. You know, you've been carrying a

lot of ill*gal stuff and you want us to

drive you and deliver some crack. I see

you at 3:00. That's a driving lesson.

It's all we carry. Driving lesson. You

gonna come pick me up at 3:00?You can try

another driving school spoonie. OK?It's

nice talking to you. You don't, John.

Grand Adventure Balloon tour. Hello. Is

this the Hot Air Balloon Company?Yes, it

is. With whom am I speaking?This is Sue.

Hello, Sue. This is Niles Standish

calling. I'm interested in going on a hot

air balloon. Oh, great. Would I like to

fly in your beautiful balloon?Answer.

Yes, I would.

When are you looking to fly?I'm looking

to fly anytime soon. My schedule is wide

open, but I do have a few requirements I

wanted to go over with you. All right,

here's what I want. Myself and my

associates want to join what they call

the Mile High Balloon Club. You remember

the old airline slogan?Fly United.

Well, that's what we have in mind. OK,

All right. Now, with the pilot mind being

blindfolded, blindfolded. Well, he needs

to fly. Maybe we'll just put the

blindfold on during the act. Unless, of

course, he's at all squeamish about. The

faint erotic stink of man love. Have you

ever seen the timeless French film The

Red Balloon?Yes. In it, that young

boy chases his lost balloon through the

streets of Paris wearing his tight

knickers. Yes. I'm very much

like that young boy, especially the tight

knickers part. I have heard

that the high altitude oxygen starvation

gives sort of the same the same effect

as as my a**l poppers. Is that at all

true?No, we don't stay at

altitude that long period of

time. Would it be possible to have a

videographer?Because I would like to

catch the sweet, sweet moment of

self-induced orgasm. We've actually done

that before. Wonderful. Oh, wonderful.

Good. Will my seed freeze at that

altitude?Where do you come up with these

questions?I don't want a jizz sickle

hanging from my my tallywhacker as

I saw rock hard over the Rockies.

Would it be possible to drop bags of my

urine over the side?Yes.

Why are you calling and asking these

questions?Well, I've heard only the best

about your company, and I've heard that's

what you're special in. Man on man on man

on boy love rides. No, I don't think

so. Now, Sue, let's see if we got this

straight. I'm going to come down, take a

hot air balloon, myself and a few

associates. The rich, faint,

erotic stink of man love will fill the

basket as we saw high above the Rockies.

I know that our pilot's

calling to see like Johnny Apple. So do

we have a deal,

Sue?Oh, Sue.

I'm so glad I got you. You're with the

art, correct?Correct. My name is

Helen Higgins and I'm an elderly woman.

I'm 82. And I would like to do some

modeling. I think it's wrong that only

young people model for art classes. I

agree. Because I think it's important for

people to see what an older body looks

like. Oh, I agree. You know, I'm from a

freer generation, but you sound like

you're a young kid. How old are you?I

will be turning 36 here pretty soon.

Well, so you're not that young, but I

grew up. I was a bohemian in Greenwich

Village when I was younger, and I worked

with some of the great artists of our

time. Great. So what

should I do?Do I have to come and

audition?I'll take my clothes off for

you. I don't give a damn because we're

this is a private school and we are run

by a corporation. Everybody from

janitor to president has to fill out an

application form. I don't want to be

janitor. I know, but I'm talking to

everybody that wants to do anything here.

So I come in, I fill out

an application, right?Now, sometimes

I also have to wear the depends, the

diapers. Is that a problem?

That could be only because

the students need to

have the full figure. Well, it's not.

It's not that I'm ashamed. I'll wear it

if I I have to. But and how

close up do they get?Do they get very

detailed?They do they, you know, 'cause I

I've been told, I'm going to say this I

don't want to embarrass you. I've been

told that I have a very large vag*na and

I don't know if that's something they'd

be interested in in seeing. Because it's,

I've been told it's as big as a bucket,

but I don't, you know, you know, the

students get, you know,

varying distances. They move around to

get different angles on the poses. OK, so

you're not judging because to me, my body

is my temple, although the temple's

sagging a little around the the vaginal

area, but it's not what it used to be.

But it's still my body and I'm damn

proud. Good. Now, the thing

is also, my husband, this used to bother

him, but I have some pock marks on the

rear end. You don't care about any of

that. I don't care about any of that. All

right, I'll be down. I just can't wait to

slap you on the face with my jugs.

Toodles. Bye-bye.

Good morning, Peace Corps. Speaking. Hi.

Yes. Hi, this is Bobby Fletcher. OK.

How you doing?I'm doing fine. What can I

do for you?Um, I want to join the

Peace Corps. You do?OK.

Can you just give me

quick some information real quick cause I

got to run out. What I got to do and

where I got to go and all that stuff. OK,

where you got to go is determined after

you fill out your application and

Washington decides on that according to

your background, your education. Well,

I want to go somewhere warm, you know, I

got my suntan lotion ready to go, you

know, so I don't want to go nowhere cold.

Well, that. You can give them a

preference, but they make the ultimate

decision. Yeah, but I'm not, you know,

they're not going to send me to Alaska if

I'm doing this, you know, charity work. I

want a suntan. You know, I think that's

fair. I have no idea. No

idea. They're not going to send me to

Somalia, are they?

I don't know. I'll be the only one over

there with a flat stomach.

Just put down on my application. I don't

want to go somewhere where ugly girls

are. Seriously. You know what I mean?With

my American accent, I'm I'm bound to nail

some Greek chick or something. Oh, Lord.

Look, once I get there, I'm going to hang

for like a week and then I'm on my own.

OK, well, I'm going to send you a

brochure. What do we got to do to help

these people out?What do we do?Pass out

condoms or something like that?No,

no, you don't do that. What do we got to

do?Um, according to your education

and training, your, um

That's what they'll do. They got to send

me somewhere warm. OK, well, you'll

have to talk to your recruiter. Hold on

one moment.

This is Hey, this is Bobby Fletcher.

Hi, how are you?Good. I'm looking to join

the Peace Corps. I'm trying to get some

information. What kind of information

would you like?I just want to go

somewhere where it's warm. Well, we can't

guarantee that. We can offer you an

opportunity on the application to state a

regional preference and we could try to

work towards that preference. Nah, that's

not going to work. OK. What kind of

places are you?What are you?What am I odd?

I want to go to Hawaii, Tahiti or

Acapulco would be fine. We don't serve

any of those locations. Just send me to

South of France. That's fine. We don't go

to South of France. Great. We

serve in all developing countries.

Cancun. No, Cancun, we do not serve

in Mexico. Well, it's a developing

country. It is. You're right. You don't

serve there. But all the countries that

we serve in are developing. How do you

get people to join if you who wants to go

over to friggin?How about Tampa?Because I

got some friends down there. Tampa's

actually in the United States and we're

only in other countries. Yeah, I know

it's in the United States. So where do I

go?Would you like me to continue to name

the 70 countries?Yeah. OK.

Niger, Senegal, South Africa,

Tanzania, The Gambia. That's

it. Yes, that's it. That

didn't sound like 70. Perhaps I got

distracted. Okay. Alright, you can start

from the top then. No, I'll just send you

some information. Why don't you just...

Yee-haw!