02x09 - Jimmy Kimmel & David Alan Grier

[bunniefuu]

Because we'll all be doubled over with

laughter at the expense of others. Maybe

even your mother wants to join the Crank

Yankers tonight. Crank Yankers!

Good afternoon. Pull tab. Hey there. Is

this Barrow, Alaska?No, it is native. It

is a bear pull tab. Oh, it's right up

there though. That is awesome. I'm

calling from the lower 48 and my name's

Ken and this is very exciting. How's it

going up there?We're fine up here. Oh,

that's great. Hey, I want to ask you

something. I, you know, this is very

exciting for me because this will

complete my compass buddy list. I don't

know what you're talking about. I have a

compass Society of America and all I need

is just for you to say yes, you'll be my

compass buddy from the north and then my

my circle is completed. What is your name?

This is Alice. OK, Alice. Well, I'm going

to have you for my North Compass Buddy

then. And And are you heading, are you

facing north now or is it S?

We're at top of the world there,

Alaska. Oh, that is so exciting. That is

so exciting. OK, well, since you're going

to be my Compass Buddy, maybe you could

just repeat after me the Compass Buddy

pledge. OK, you're ready?It's very short.

north-south, East, West. north-south.

Right. I will always pledge to do my

best. I will always

pledge to do my best. South, East, West,

north-south, East, West, North. I will

always pledge to journey forth. I will

always pledge to journey forth.

Great. Nice. OK. Almost finished. East,

West, north-south. East, West,

north-south. Good. I will honor this

creed. I will honor this creed. This

passes from my mouth. That passes from

my mom. And then finally, West,

north-south and east. West,

north-south and east. My compass bearings

will never cease. My compass bearings

will never cease. East. OK, great. I'm

going to, I'm going to send you up a

windbreaker from the Compass Society. And

what size do you take?Large. Large. OK.

It'll have a little emblem on it. And I

was wondering if we could have our

convention up there this year. Do you

think that would be a good place to have

our Compass Society convention?I believe

so. OK. And you can attend. OK, great.

What?What time would be good to call?

Because we're going to be checking in

daily for bearings and directions, you

know, north or South or east or West. Are

you going to be calling every day?Yeah,

yeah, every day we'll call. But whatever

time is good for you. The afternoon.

Afternoon. OK. And do you have a

compass?No. And what is your favorite

direction?North. Because I'm. I'm right

in front of the ocean. Oh, you were in

front of the ocean. The ice is coming in

slowly. Are you as far north as you can

be right now?I'm an Eskimo. You are an

Eskimo. How would you say compass buddy

in Eskimo?Anak.

Anak. Anak means partner. Ohh Roger

that, North caller. OK, I gotta go. OK,

well, I'll talk to you tomorrow then and

check in on the bearings. Whatever.

Bye bye, Northern Compass Buddy. Bye.

Roger. Anak.

Hello. Hi. Is this Raven?

Yes, it is. Hi, Raven. My name's Cammy,

and I just saw your ad.

Yes, Cammy. Are you really an ugly old

fat black man?Oh, well, I'd rather

put that in there instead of. I am

handsome and I am rich. And so

I just went the opposite direction. Well,

and and it totally caught my eye.

So tell me about yourself. What do you do?

How old are you?I'm retired.

OK. So like 60?

Yes. OK. That's OK. I'm. I'm twenty-four

and I I like it. Wow. Twenty-four. No.

How many inches are we talking about here?

Inches. Yeah. How many inches are you?Oh,

you mean tall?No, I mean

long. Long

Scarcely. Scarcely. But you're

black, aren't you?Yes. Well, let me ask

you a question. Is there any way you

could take a picture of yourself with

your shirt off and send it to me?I

reckon. Yeah. YeahGet my son to

take it easy. He's older than you. Oh,

wow. Maybe I can do you both. That

would be so kinkyI'm serious, Raven. I'm

into some crazy stuff. Yeah. Well, I've.

Started trying to learn the things that I

have missed. Well, would you think it

would be weird if I wanted to eat peanut

butter out of your pooper?Out of a who?

Out of your pooper?Not if it pleases you.

Oh, so you're kind of like up for

anything?Well, whatever works. OK,

but no nuts. It'll be the rich and creamy

kind. Yeah. Well, anyway, what do

you look like?Come tell me what you look

like. I am 59. Tall.

I'm hot, and I

like to shove stuff up guys' butts. Can

I shove?Can I shove a pickle up your butt

if I wanted to?Get a little marijuana or

something and we can do anything. Oh,

you're so my kind of man, Raven. Listen

to what I want to do. I want to cut a

hole in a pizza, put your p*nis through

it, spin it around, and eat my way to the

middle. I'll do that right after I put

the peanut butter in your pooper.

You're my kind of girl. I like it. OK,

well, I'm getting ready to leave. My son

is getting ready to pick me up now. To

take me grocery shopping. OK, well,

here's the thing. When you go to the

store right now, make sure you pick up

some Pickles, a pizza, and some peanut

butter, and we'll try to shove all that

up your buttOK. I'll call you back,

Raven. OK. OKBye. Bye.

Bye.

Good afternoon. Cruiseaholicscruise.com.

This is Jeff. How are you?I'm

fine. All right then. My

grandson's friend

told me he went on one

of your people's cruises

and he had a great time.

OK. And I'm looking to

book one for myself. OK.

And are you interested in any particular

type of itinerary?I want to

go on a g*y cruise. OK. That's

the one he said he went on.

OK. With the dancing

and the singing. I want to

have a g*y time. OK. Like the



OKI'm looking to go

where there's no colored people.

OK, so you don't want to go to any of the

aisles in the West Indies. Yeah.

Or Jamaica. I want a lot of single

girls on there, too. A lot of single

girls on a g*y cruise.

Yeah, that would be a g*y time.

You're. Are you looking at a cruise

that deals with heterosexuals?I'm

looking to have a g*y time

when I was a young man. I was quite a

dancer. We would every

Friday night gather at the

club in Brooklyn.

The girls would come over. We

had the g*y parties, we called them.

It was a night of g*y tea.

We would dance with the girls

and then we'd go on the back and we'd

touch each other. Oh, that's that's a

good thought. I get up

at 5:00 every morning and I

drive down to the Denny's

and I have a variety of different

foods. My wife

wants me to eat oatmeal, but I don't like

oatmeal. I don't like

raisins in my food

because I can't digest them

and I like to examine my.

Waste after I'm done with it. Oh, that's

lovely. Can I tell you something?

Yes. I'm planning to jump off the

boat. Oh, are you?Don't tell

nobody about this. I

was thinking what I would like to do

is sail off into the high seas with

the music and the g*y

entertainment and do some

dancing. Maybe have my

first ever. Taste of a

man's p*nis and then.

Can I help you?Hi, who's

this?This is Corey. Corey. Hi. How

you doing?Good. Do you have chocolate

pudding?Yes. Yay.

Yay. I love chocolate

pudding. That's great. Do you

have fruit cup?No, we don't have that.

No. Yay. Yay.

I hate fruit cups. Do

you have jello?Hold on one minute.

Do you have jello?Hold on one minute. Do

you have jello?Do you have jello?

Do you have jello?Do you have jello?Do

you have jello?Do you have

jello?Do you have jello?

Do you have jello?

Gory, do you have jello?Do you have

jello?Do you have jello?

Do you have jello?Do you have

jello?Do you have jello?This is Keith

Robinson. How may I help you?Do you have

jello?Yes, we do. Yay.

I love jello.

Hey, you're on the air right now with

Boomer and the Nudge 97.1 Megamixin and

Party Jammin. Who we talking to?Mike.

Hey, Mike, how you doing?You listen to

Boomer and the Nudge every morning from



right now. All right, Mike, as you

probably know, Monday is our on air dare

day. And we call up businesses and find

people that are brave enough, man enough,

and have the plums to do an on air dare.

Are you ready, Mike?I'm ready. Do you

have the plums to play?I have the junk.

Well, that sounded like a yes. All right,

Mike, here's what we need you to do. And

if you're ready to win big, we need you

to find a co-worker. Put your hands down

the pants of that co-worker, grab onto

their genitals and yell out. I have the

junk. Do you have any co-workers around

you there?Yeah, just a little. OK, hang

on. Robert. Hello. Hey

there, Robert. How you doing?Good. How

you doing?OK. Has Mike talked to you

about what we're gonna do here?No. OK,

what I need you to do is unbutton your

pants right now. Mike is going to put his

hand down them. He's going to grab hold

of your nuts. He's going to scream. I

have the junk and you're going to win all

sorts of prizes. Who's

this for?It's Boober to the nudge.



party hopping, all kinds of stuff on your

drive to work. Are you ready to play?I

have the junk. It's an it's an on air

dare. We need you to hear you say yes.

OK, sure. Why not?All right, let's do it.

Why don't you unbutton those pants?Are

you unbuttoning the pants right now?Sure.

We need you both to get up near the

phone. OK.

OK, here we go.

What do you want me to say?Why do you

scream?I have the junk once you see his

hold of his gonads. I have the junk once

you see his gonads. No, no, no, no, no, no

Listen, you're getting a little ahead of

us here. We need you to put

your hands down the front of his pants,

grab onto his genitals, and then yell,

I have the junk. Are you ready to do that?

Sure. OK, OK, let's hear that zipper

going down. Put the phone next to the

zipper. OK,

OK, very good. Do you have your hand down

his pants?All right, slide it in there.

OK, now I want you to squeeze, squeeze a

little bit harder than you should and

yell out the phrase that pays. I have the

junk. I have the junk. OK,

now. We're not quite done. We're not

quite done. But what we want you to do

now is to kiss each one of his ba*ls

gently, as if you're kissing a baby on

its bottom. Now go ahead. Now get your

head. Get your lips down to your his his

ba*ls. Big, big cash prizes.

This is Troy. Troy. My name's Burcham.

Yeah, I'd like to coach some Pop Warner

football. Really.

Well, right now we're all filled up with

that. We've already started. We're

already going through the season. So got

a kid who wants to play some ball, too.

Call me next. Like I said, in March or

so. He's 12 years old. He's a big boy,

though. I don't care how big he is. We

don't play Pop Warner rules here. What?

What rules do we play?I play. I got my

own rules here, buddy. Oh, really?We

don't use the weight limits. We got my

own weight limits. I like your style.

Yeah, we got a little different weight

limits. I got a son. He's 11 1/2. He's

almost 250 lbs. That's a big

kid. He's a big boy. This kid will

sit down, eat 910 Lunchables in one

sitting. That's a big kid. Oh, he's a big

boy. Takes after his mother. So he'll be

a 6th grader coming up next year. He's

going to be going into the 6th grade. I

held him back a year so I could get his

playing weight up. Yeah. Yeah, he's a big

kid. And you know what?I taught him well.

I guess so. He knows all the moves.

Spearing. Blindsiding,

forearm shiver. He does it all. He'll

take your kid's head off. Oh yeah, I seen

him hit the punter 20 minutes after the

guy punted the ball. I mean, the kid was

on the sideline. He went after him.

Oh man, when this kid goes up the middle,

he goes in hell bent for re-election.

Heck of a kid. And I tell you, I taught

the kid well. I guess so. I told him you

get blown out of that middle, you're

getting blown out like crap through a

goose. I hear you. Yeah. I'll tell you. I

tell you what I tell. I tell you. They

call it Pop Warner football. You know why?

Because you pop warned you if you get

hurt. That's what I tell him. You got

it. Yeah, kid's tough. Big kid needs a

special helmet. Yeah, we'll see what we

got, buddy. First year he played and

couldn't find one big enough. We had to

modify a Coleman cooler. You put a

Coleman cooler on his head. Well, not the

full sizer. Not the one you put trout in,

but the six pack one. Oh, the six pack

Coleman cooler. Yeah, I put it in the

oven, I heat it up and I molded it around

his head. You put the put the cooler in

the oven and heat it up, put it on his

head. Holy cow. Well, you don't heat it

up till it starts bubbling. You just warm

it up so the plastic becomes pliable and

then you can pull it on his head. And if

you hit it with the hose, it'll freeze in

whatever position it was. Oh, that's

crazy. Worked out good except for the ear

holes got screwed up and he got an

infection. Uh-huhI call him the Minister

of Defense. I got you, buddy. I

train my kids. They're like screaming

warriors. I got you, buddy. I left me get

it. I got a call coming, buddy. All

right. Thanks. All right. No weight

limits, right?Right on, brother. All

righty. Later.

Valley Outreach. Hi, morning. My

name's Danny, and I wonder if you could

help me a little bit. I'm. I'm about to

get married and my fiance is Jewish,

right?And I am not.

But I promised her that I would

convert. So I just had a few

questions. I've never, I've never gone

through this before. I had dinner with

her family last night and I realized I've

kind of been putting it off. So first of

all, are you circumcised?Let's start with

that. No, I'm not. OK.

Wow. WowWow

You go into the hospital,

they give you a local, I guess, and they

cut the foreskin.

You know what?You know what?It's not so

terrible. Oh, God, I love

this woman so much, but I can't.

Oh, my gosh. What's the parallel?What do

you make the girls do?If she's if she's

going to convert, she goes to the mikvah,

the ritual bath. No.

Oh, that's unfair. I well, the

female circumcision is a lot different

than male circumcision. So what is what

is that?Is it the same thing?They cut off

the clitoris

Oh, God.

Oh, watch it now. I'm African American.

Those are my people. All right. OK, so

what's can you tell me like step #2?

OK, what you have to do, you do your

studying with Rabbi Heck. Once you finish

studying, he gets a bed din together. A

what?A bed din is 3 rabbis.

Wait a minute. How many?Three.

Oh boy. OK, if I

do want to go all the way out,

I'm getting the

circumcision. How long will it take

before I can actually have sex with my

beloved?Less than a week.

Oh, that hurts. But

of course, of course.

Since you're not married yet. Yes. Well,

I'm just saying, you know, I'm not buying

a cow. I didn't milk yet. You know,

figuratively speaking. What about

Christmas?Can we do no Christmas at all?

No, it's not a holiday. You're giving up

the belief of Jesus.

What am I gonna tell my family?That's the

definite.

Thank you! Okay, bye bye.

Oh ohh God.