02x03 - Snoop Dogg & Kevin Nealon

[bunniefuu]

Oh, what?But it doesn't really

matter No, it doesn't really matter

'Cause we'll all be doubled over with

laughter At the expense of others, maybe

even your mother Won't you join the Crank

Yankers tonight?Crank Yankers!

Hello. Hi. Hi. Hey.

Want to do a call?Have we talked before,

honey?No. And I, you know,

I'm a little nervous about this because

it's my first time and I'm, you know. OK.

Are we starting?Uh-huhOK. OK

Like I said, I don't want to talk out of

turn. And, you know, I'm not one to cast

aspersions or anything. Listen to me.

Yeah. Todd, you're like a nervous little

weasel, honey. Ken. It's Ken. Ken. Ken. I

didn't say anybody's name. I thought you

said Todd. Why the f*ck would I say Todd?

OK, OK, here's the deal. Just just so you

know, and I don't mean to be evasive and

and I don't mean to sound like I'm being

somebody who is not appreciative because

I appreciate, you know, you being on the

phone with me and I don't want to, you

know, sound like I'm, you know, living in

a class house and throwing stones and

stuff like that. And so. So let's just

let's pardon me, quit dancing around the

Bush and jump in the middle of the Bush.

I'm not one. I'm not one to beating

around the Bush. Have you ever done phone

sex before?No, I haven't. I haven't done

any sex. So let's not just rest on our

laurels here. I want to make sure that we

could just, you know, slow down a little

bit and get into this. All right, here's

my deal. Tell me your deal. What I want

to do is, and don't think me as being

dirty for saying this, you know, I don't

want you to think badly. I

don't like to be dirty. I don't

like you to be dirty. And I don't

misunderstand me. I'm the type of guy who

how to say this. All right,

what?What I want to say is, and I'm

trying to put this as gentle as possible,

and I don't. You said the F word.

I said f*ck said it again right

there. I will say f*ck f*ck, f*ck, f*ck

You said it 54567 times. I'm

telling. I'm telling. I'm telling. Who

are you going to tell?The f*ck cops?

Ooh, f*ck you

know what it... f*cking

hang on.

OK, that's all I needed.

Hi, my name is Howard and I represent

Doggy Style Records and the CEO

of the company, Mr. Snoop Dogg. Can I put

him on the line with you?All right. All

rightHold on a second. Hello. Hello

Who am I speaking with?This is. Hey,

what's up, sl*ve?How you doing?All right.

Hey, man, I was thinking about trying to,

you know, run for state senator or

something like that in that nature. OK.

The people really need somebody who they

can really relate to that's really going

to stand up and represent them. And I

think, you know, I'm the man for the job.

Well, you certainly have name

recognition, so you'd be easy to get

moving, you know?probably got a lot of

people who are gonna be interested in

voting for you. Yeah, especially the

b*tches 'cause you know they vote too.

Right. Maybe me and you can get with some

b*tches and smoke some weed or something.

Well, I'm actually happily married right

now. Have been for 20 years. Hey, guess

what?I've been married for eight years.

Ain't nothing like cheating.

Well, listen, what we need to do is I

need to send you some information. Cool,

because my pimp hand is real strong. What

about yours?You got a strong pimp hand?

Oh, yeah, we're we're very powerful. We

do. We do a lot of issues, too. My

issues would be to legalize weed,

hookers, smoking blunts. And I'm also

going to legalize victimless crimes,

carjacking, you name it. That makes me a

libertarian. Right.

I would really make it happen like that.

I keep it Papa Latin. You know what I'm

talking about?Keep it crack-a-lackin' for

shizzle dizzle.

So the deal is, what I need to do, like I

said, I got to get you some information,

then we got to talk again. What do you

think my slogan should be?

Well, I think that that

running on a libertarian theme where

you're talking about getting rid of

victimless crime and, you know, that

saves the government a lot of money, too.

Okay, well, I'm thinking like maybe

a joint in every mouth and a foot in

every b*tch's a*s that don't get my money

back.

Well, f*ck you too.

Ambassador?Hello?Movie theater?

This is Barry. Hi, this is Ed.

How much for one ticket?It's $5.5

dollars. Yeah.

Yay. That means I could bring a couple of

my friends. Yeah. How much is 2

tickets?It'd be 10. How much?



That's $5. That means I can bring two of

my friends.

Well, how much is 3 tickets?



Yay! That means I can bring two of my

friends. How much is 4

tickets?That'd be 20. How much?

Anybody can count. Four times anything.

Five or whatever you're going to say

that. You'll know what it's going to

cost. Say what?Four times. Oh

boy, come on now. How much is 4?You're

trying to pull my damn leg. I want to

know how much of 42020.

Yay!Lady, how much is 5

tickets?Twenty-five. And I don't have

time to be on this phone like this. I

can't. I lost my 20. Yay. I could bring

two of my friends. I saw Air

Bud. Yeah. Yay.

I'm going to have my birthday party at

the theater. Yay. Yeah.

How much are 6 tickets?It's



my friends. We're going to go see Air

Bud. That's great.

Yay. Hey, lady.

I'm not a lady. Do you show Air Bud?

No, we don't. Yay. You show Air

Bud. Hey, lady. I'm not a

lady. How much are 8 tickets?It's



I can bring two of my friends. Yeah,

I'm going to hang up anyway. I'm busy.

How much are 9 tickets, lady?It's 45

and I'm not a lady. Yeah, I could bring

two of my friends to see the Air Bud.

That's great.

You got Air Bud?No, we don't. Do you have

a discount for special people?

There's nobody special here. No, I'm

special. That's what my mom says. How

much for 1000 tickets?Oh God,



I could bring two of my friends. That's

great. Talk this off. I'm tired of

talking. This is bullshitYou're my

friend. You want to go to the movies with

me?No, I'm not going to movies with you.

Yay. You're going to the movies. Yay. I

like you, lady. Yay. We're going to the

movies.

How may I help you?Hi. I came in

yesterday to buy a bra. Yeah.

And the woman who helped me, umm I

think she was being inappropriate. I just

want to report it to the manager or...

I'm the manager. Okay. What was the

problem?I she was helping me with a bra

and I I noticed she licked her finger

before she helped me put the bra on.

And then I didn't know if that was just,

I didn't, you know, weird or something.

And then she said that she had to

measure my nipplesWhat was

yesterday?Tuesday, right?I'm pretty sure

cause I went straight to the doctor and

he said I had post traumatic symptoms

from it and I'm not.

I don't. I'm not kind to blame anyone. I

don't, you know, I just think that you

should know. And I for my own closure, I

just felt kind of violated. And

she touched my tuchus

and she did that.

She touched you. Yeah. It just made me

feel really uncomfortable and confused

and sort of like everybody who works here

is very professional. We never had any

complaint like that and the girl you're

complaining about. I never had any

complaint about her like that. Did she

say anything about me?

No, because I don't know if you noticed

this store always have only one person.

OK, I'm not saying I was r*ped because

r*pe is an act of violence and not an act

of love and I. There was love,

but I was like slightly

molested. You can't say that. I don't

know. I if you if it helped you, I

would like to talk to your doctor

because what she's saying, it doesn't

make sense. Well, what are you going to?

No, noI mean, I can talk to her if you

want. I can talk to her. But to the

woman who worked yesterday. Wait,

let's go over what you're going to tell

her first. Tell her I

like her, but I don't like like her. But

if she wants to call me, then she can

call me. No, I don't think she like

girls. And I don't think I never

had any complaint about her like that. I

just. I think you should fire her. She

likes me. She doesn't like you.

She likes me. You know

what?Can I have your number so I can?Oh,

now another one. OK, now it happens

again. Two days. OK, Who's working

tomorrow?Another. A

l*sbian lingerie.

You have problem. I think it's all in

your head. Nobody touched you yesterday

because you know who was working here

yesterday. That's me. And I am the

manager. Well, then why didn't you call

me?I don't like girls. And if you have

any problem, maybe you should take this

to your doctor. How dare you?

Oh, excuse me, what drugs you are doing?

What are you tripping on?Can I ask you

one thing?Don't ask me anything because

stop fantasizing. It'll help you. Do you

carry sports bras?No, we never carry

sports bra here. And if we if this

continues, I can report you.

Hold on. I'm sorry. I just woke up. I

have men calls and stroke themselves and

fantasize about the stories. And I have

women do that too. But I thought you

better not call here again. Shh.

And everybody who works there is very

professional. Shh, baby. Shh. So

take it to your doctor, keep the couch,

and have your head shrunk. I thought

we had something spare.

Hello. Hi, what's your name?Well, my name

is Marie. Hi, Marie, I'm Burcham. You

guys have horses over there?Yes, we do. I

got a wife who's a big gal. Uh-huh

We can't really weigh her, but somewhere,

I'd estimate between 500 and



But she's tall, she carries it well, 5'9

and a half. AndShe rode

horses quite a bit as a youth and

loves that movie International Velvet.

And it was coming up on our 15th

anniversary, and I promised her I'd get

her on the back of a horse come Saturday.

And what did you want to do on a horse?

She wanted to run barrels.

No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. We just

just trot. For how long?Do a little

trail riding. A little trail ride. Yeah,

just, you know, half a day. Until the

horse gave out. And I tried

to talk her out of it. I said, you know,

why don't we just turn the bed toward the

window and look at the lawn or get a

TV dinner and I'll put some cable on.

We'll have a romantic evening. But she

wants to get on the back of a horse, God

bless her. And you know, it's kind of a

make a wish foundation type thing for me.

She's morbidly obese. She doesn't have

many days left on this earth and.

like to see the woman happy. Well, we can

do it. It just depends on

how the horse is going to handle this.

Right. Any Clydesdales?Well, we

have a Belgian quarter horse. Quarter.

You're going to need at least a

three-quarter horse for this b*tch

You have any obese horses?No.

Ohh How would we get her up on that horse?

Well, we have mobile home stairs. Mobile

home stairs. Umm

She took a set of those out once when we

were visiting my in-laws last summer. I

don't think that's going to hold her. Oh,

maybe block and tackle in an oak

tree or if you got a cherry picker or

if you bring the the block and tackle, I

guess we could hoist her up in the tree.

Once we lowered her down onto the horse,

the horse would be all right, huhBut if I

was going to push your wife on a $4000

horse. Can you bring me cash in the

amount of $4000?I'm saying basically you

want a deposit?Yeah, in case the horse

breaks his back. All right. And then what?

We'd have to put the horse down, right?I

bring a g*n too. And after you pay me the

$4000 and you and the horse, your wife

and the horse fall down, then I keep the

money and you sh**t the horse. A g*n. Any

kind. Revolver. 22. Oh, a

revolver between the ears is good.

Revolver be good. 44. Yeah, that'll work.

And how many rounds of a*mo?Ohh How good

a shot are you?Well, the g*n's against

the horse's head. Right. Pretty good from

that range. How much for the actual ride

itself, if everything goes OK?

Couple $100. All

right, $4200 and 44. What if my

wife is injured?Are you going to pay for

her?No, you'll sign a release. Well,

wait a minute. If the horse is injured,

I'm buying the horse. Well, your wife

rides at her own risk. Well, that doesn't

sound right. I mean, if... If Oh, look, I

don't want to go on with this. Okay, I'll

say. I'll just bring some extra a*mo in

case the wife is injured. Okay. All

right. Goodbye.

Estecada Public Library. How can I help

you?Hi, is this the library?Yeah,

I need to look up two words in the

dictionary. OK And what words are those?

One of the words is topography. Let

me go get a dictionary and check it up,

OK?I asked my brother for help, but he's

retardedOh, that's not

nice. Do you have it?Oh, I'm

looking for it. I'm looking it up. It's

in the T's, not the P's. Yeah, I know

that. And I'm looking to see. I'm trying

to see if it's an E. I don't have all

night. Oh, don't worry. It won't take off

night. SpongeBob's coming on in a few

minutes. OK, hold on. OK. OK

All it says is the condition of a

district soon after the beginning. Slow

down. The condition. OK.

Of a district soon after the

beginning. Hold on, hold on. I can't

understand you. What do you got?Marbles

in your mouth?No. Let's take it from the

top. OK. The condition of a

district. Of what?Of a

district. I I thought you said dickhead

No, district. Keep going?

Soon after... You don't have to go slow,

slow. Not retardedLike my

brother. Of erosion. Of

erosion... Okay.

Um, by streams, wind. Okay.

Main branches pass. Jesus Christ. How

long is this?Well-developed,

narrow valleys in the

areas between... This

dream. I'll be done with high school by

the time it's finished. Yeah.

Our little modified. And that's the whole

definition. Give it to me one more time.

The condition of a district. Do it

sad. No, that's OK. There's

the definition. Was there something else

you need to look up?Yes. One more word.

What?l*sbian.

OK. Three minutes till SpongeBob.

Hurry. OK. Highly sensual,

eroticWhat does erotic mean?It's

very tense and, like, sexuality. Oh,

hornyNo. Please, don't make it too

hard. I'm only in second grade. I'm not.

I'm not, I'm not, okay?The reputed

h*m* brand

associated... You know a lot about being

a lesboNo, I'm just reading this from the

book. Oh. h*m*

brand associated with

Sacio... Who?The

Greek poet. Those Greeks were all

h*m* or relating to

h*m* relations between

females. Read it back, sexy.

Why?Because. Just read it

back, sexy. Okay. Of or

relating to h*m*

relations between females. I love

it. Okay. Is that it?You've made

me a man. Really now?I'll

never forget you. Really now. You know,

you're kind of weird. Good night, sweet

cheeks. Yeah, whatever. Bye. Bye.

Was that one good, Dad?

Because yo, what up?This is Big Snoop

Dogg. Can I speak to the manager of the

store?This is the manager. How can I help

you?Hey, what's cr*cker liking?Um, just

ask this one question. Do you like tapes

or CDs?Do I like tapes or CDs?

CDs. CDs. Yeah. Was CDs nuts in your

m*therf*cking mouth?

OK,

So what was that for?That's me being

real, baby girl. I'm up out here. This is

Big Snoopy deal. Double jizzle for

shizzle. Dezzle. It's been real, baby

girl. Holla.

Come on, come onCause we're all

having a ball. We're just making

some calls. We just making some

m*therf*cking phone calls. Can you dig it?

They ain't gonna never know. Nah,

they ain't gonna never know. So it

doesn't really matter. Pick up the phone.

I hope your mommy and your daddy is gone.

Cause we're all having a ball. You

can say what you want. It doesn't really

matter.