02x01 - Jimmy Kimmel & Sarah Silverman

[bunniefuu]

Hello?HelloThe security guard plays?Yes,

it is. Oh, great. My name's

Bircham. I'm new to the area and I'm

looking for a job. Okay, right now we're

not hiring because we don't have any

openings. Not hiring, huhNo. Not

hiring guys that did three tours in Nam

and are third degree black belts in

Taekwondo?Not at the moment.

Not hiring a guy who can take an

AK47 blindfolded, break it down,

oil it and reassemble it in less than 4

minutes. You're not hiring any of them.

We don't. Not hiring a guy

who can k*ll a man using only his

thumb on his left hand.

We don't have any openings at the moment,

babe. We're hiring a

guy who modified his

AK47 to go full automatic and

added a 40 round banana clip to it.

You're not hiring that guy. Not

hiring a guy who customizes van so it

looked like the A-Team van. You're not

going to hire that guy. You're not going

to hire a guy who laid his life on the

line for this country so that you

could go home to your l*sbian partner and

live in a judgment free society. I

think you are hiring that guy.

Hello. HelloCan I help you?You guys

hiring?No, we're not. You're not, huh

No. You're not hiring a guy who

was a master in the Shotokan discipline

of the martial arts and who trained.

Green Berets for four years on the Mekong

Delta before he began his three-year

tour. You're

not hiring a guy who can slide in like

a Viper and take his prey out with piano

wire and never be detected. We haven't

got any vacancies. No vacancies, huh

Indeed. Who is this?Mr. Belvedere?

Mr. Who?I ran into your kind when I was

in NAMM as a squad leader with your

accent. Never did get along with the man.

Ended up k*lling him in a bar fight. But

that's beside the point. Damn right, it's

beside the point. You guys need qualified

personnel. Yes or no?I

believe you're speaking to one, Sir. You

got a bunch of guys who couldn't pass the

GED. Their cholesterol level's 370.

Who are you exactly?I'm Burcham, Vietnam

vet and American, right?

I come in there with my own uniform and I

play by my own rules. What are we

guarding?Malls?I don't know who you are,

sir. I've answered your question. Now

you're going somewhere else. Tell you

what. Guys like you and Nan will chew you

up and spit you out. Okay, whatever. Have

a nice day, sir. Goodbye. Get your hand

up on the bottom of some guy's boot.

This is Brack. Hello. This is Niles

Standish calling. Hello, Sir. Hello. I

was calling because I had some questions

about caulk for my

bathroom. OK, so you're going to want

mildew resistant?Yeah, sounds all right.

OK. I'm sure you know more about caulk

than I do. OK, All right. Now, how big

is this caulk?It is in a



clear. Now, does the caulk smell?It's

got kind of an order to it for about 24

hours. Oh, and that'll dissipate. Is

there a taste to the c*ck

What was the last question?Is it

dangerous?Is it poisonous in case the

c*ck gets in my mouth or in my eye?

Well, you don't want to get it in your

eye because it does have some solvents in

it. I mean, it's a it's an acid cure c*ck

So there's many different kinds of c*ck

Yes. Yes, Sir. All right. How many

different kinds of c*ck do you handle for

around?Wherever,

wherever. Well, I have a bunch of caulks

that you can, you know, weatherproof your

concrete and for expansion joints and

stuff like that. And does the caulk

harden or no, it doesn't. There's

not many caulks that do. You'd have to go

with epoxies for it to be real hard. As

far as colors of caulk go, what about

colors?Well, if you get it in tubes, you

only have about 8 colors to choose from.

Like like dark Grays to light Grays to

Browns, whites. You don't have any black

caulk. Yeah. Now, the black c*ck is

that bigger?Yeah, but I don't have. I

don't have the black sanitary c*ck the

black c*ck is unsanitary. Well, it's not.

OK, so just so I have this straight, you

handle a lot of different kind of c*ck

carry black c*ck and and white

c*ck and the c*ck doesn't get hard. And

it's OK to get the c*ck in your mouth.

No, you definitely don't want the c*ck in

your mouth. Well, speak for yourself,

love. Have a good day, Sir. Ta.

This is Hi. I need you to help

me if you could. OK. I was in there with

my kids earlier, and my

daughter has something she would like to

apologize for. And

if you don't mind, I'd like to put her on

the telephone. That's fine. OK.

I'm sorry. I took a brush. You did.

Mm-hmmOK. But I'll bring

it back. You're going to bring it back.

OK. Thank you. You will bring it back.

Now go to your room. I just, you know,

it's I want to make sure that they feel

responsible and that there are

consequences for their actions. I

understand that. And my

son actually would like to

apologize too. Uh-huhKevin,

tell the lady what you did. I'm sorry. I

I stuck soap up my butt

OK. He does this all

the time. I put it back.

It doesn't matter if you put it back.

You're not supposed to be doing that.

You're not supposed to be putting things

in your buttYou understand me?Yes.

I apologize. I can't take him anywhere. I

mean, you should go grocery shopping with

the kid. Apples, pears, Peaches, you name

it. It's in there. And I don't know what

to do about it, but you might want

to go through the soaps. Kevin, what

color was the soap?

White first, then brown.

I guess he got it pretty far up there. So

I don't know if you want to have somebody

go through them. Hold on one

second. Because it's disgusting because

normal people don't do it. That's why.

Yes, I'm sorry. That's OK. We're having a

little, we're a little confused by the

situation. You're obviously the first

phone call we've ever received of this

particular nature. The problem I'm having

here. Is that every color of our soap

is every flavor we carry in our store

has a soap that matches. Right. So I

don't know if someone could sniff through

the baskets or sniff around. No, that's

wow. Right. RightRight

So do you know what flavor it was?

Chocolate. No, honey, we don't carry

chocolate soap. But it came out of my

butt so it turned chocolate. Go to your

room. Go to your room right now.

The boy is constantly putting things in

his butt OK?He likes to put the

soap in his bottom. And I told him,

get used to it, pal, because you're going

to wind up in jail for doing this kind of

thing. This is a particularly odd

conversation for the two of us to be

having, and I appreciate your phone call,

but well, you know what I'm going to have

to do is I'm going to have to bring him

down and maybe he can point out. Where it

was. I don't think bringing him back to

the store is a particularly fabulous

idea. Yeah. No, I know what you're

saying. I know what you're saying. I

appreciate it. I have to make a duty

right now, and I'm going to go do that.

And again, I apologize. OK. Thank you,

Sir. I'm so sorry. I'm sure. Thank you.

And I don't worry. They will be punished.

Well, you know, that's really not my. My

main concern in this right now, my main

concern is I have to make a duty. So I'm

going to get off the phone. Well, you

just go take care of that. Thank you so

much. Thank you. Bye.

I was in your casino last Wednesday and I

lost something there. I was wondering if

it was returned. It was actually really

important. What was it?It was

a $25. your chip. It's

round. No, No one says turned it in.

What kind of sick person would just walk

away with my chip?

I mean, what have people turned in?They

didn't turn in no chips. Maybe I could

get something else that's worth $25. What

do you have there?Nothing. There's

lost and found. So if ain't know if it's

not in the book, then they no one turned

it in. Is there anything at lost and

found that's worth twenty-five,

Twenty-six dollars, $24.00 even?

No. Well, what's in the book?It doesn't

matter what's in the book. What you

looking for is not in the book. Oh, I get

the game. Yeah, this is how you make

money. This is ain't how nobody make

money. If it's you ask for lost and found

and you ask me to look up, does someone

turn it in?Then they didn't turn it in.

You make good money doing this. OK, then.

Thank you for calling. I lose. You found.

Hi. I lost something. I know

it's in the book. It's about the

third or fourth thing down. What did you

lose?Well, could you read down the list?I

can't read down the list, ma'am. I know

it's something. It's about. It's worth

about $25. What is it?Did you just call

here?It's earrings or a watch

or a cell phone. If you can get the

number change. You know what?I think it's

sunglasses. You can find somebody else to

play with on this phone. But you just

called here talking about a $25 chip. Now

you saying the cell phone or watch some

glasses. When you decide what it is, call

back. I'm sorry. I've never called

before. I'm calling. I I know your voice.

I just asked. I know you. I could tell

about it the way of your voice. I know

I'm in the book. You ain't in the book?

Yes. You don't know what she is.

Whatever.

Guess who owes you an apology?I found

the chip. Whatever. It was in my

hand. My other

hand. So funny. I'll tell

you what, half that money is yours if you

give me that g*dd*mn book. Whatever.

I want to know what's in the book. Give

me the first two things. None of your

business. None of your business. That's

what you sound like when you have that

attitude. I know.

All right, give me one thing in the book.

I'm dying.

Nothing. NothingWhat did you keep calling

us for?Because I'm in love with you. And

I don't know how to say it, but I guess I

just said it. But I took me a long time

because I needed to find reasons to call

you because I think I'm falling for you.

You don't even know me. You find love in

the craziest places. You find love in the

lost and found. I found love in the lost

and found today. I don't deal with women.

Yeah, well, I'll change that. That's no

problem. OK. Do you like white girls?

Jewish. Hairy. What are you?

An American?What do you want?You

can't have me. That's why it drives me

nuts. Thank you. Bye. I love you,

Buttercup Cocoa Puff.

Means to Hello,

darling. My name is Elma.

And I'm looking for a present for my

wife. OK. We've been

married 60 years on

Friday. God love you. We

got married when she was nine years old.

Oh, OK. I was 18.

She was a beautiful girl.

Uh-huhAnd I was

told by her

friend Louise

that. She wanted something from

that store. OK.

She said she wanted some beads to

play with. We've got those. What

kind of beads you got?Small, medium and

large. And then we have the extra large

ones. What are they made of?

Plastic.

Plastic. What kind of jewelry is made

out of plastic?It's not jewelry. This is

adult toys. I'm an adult.

I'm 85 years old. I know that. But what

I'm saying is these. Tell me about your

beads. It's a toy.

Where do you wear them?You don't wear

them. What are you talking about?

They're a sex toy. All right. So

what do you do with these hair things?I'm

going to talk. I'm not going to get into

that over the phone. Are these kissing

beads?No. What are you talking

about?They're a**l beadsThe what?

a**l beadsHow big are they?

We have them very small and we have them

very large, but the diameter on her

rectomy is about, I'd say



so maybe if I got something

that's the small, the

small is like a golf ball and

then the large is like a softball, right?

OK, we don't have softball size. You

people should be ashamed of yourselves

for what you're doing over there. Now I

want to get the big ones. How much does

that cost?The ones that you're looking at

for golf ball size?Yeah, those are



there?Well, you should use a

lubricant with them and it's thick.

I don't think so. OK, so these

go all the way up the a*s and then

you move your bowels and they come out.

No, you just pull the string and they

come out. Do you have these for men?

They're used by men and women. That's

wonderful, darling. Do you do gift

wrapping?No, we don't. OK, then. You've

been very nice. OK. Maybe I'll

get you a string, too. I really

don't need one. Thank you. And we'll put

them up there.

Is this Jimmy?Is this the record

store?This is the record store, yes.

Yeah, I want to hear that song. What song?

Boom, boom, boom, boom. Yeah, yeah

Now what song is that?Hey, it's that

song. You got it?I like that

song. Yay!I'm not sure I know what song

you're talking about. It goes...

Ohh I want to buy the record. You know

the name of the artist?Yay. Yay. Yay.

I'm

not sure what that is. I'm sorry. It's a

song. It goes... Yeah,

you're on the radio. I can dance.

Do you know?And what kind of song is that?

A rock song, a rap song or a sexy song?

Yeah. Yeah

I'm not sure what kind of song it is.

Sing it with me and then you'll know.

Yeah.

YeahOK. No, no, no

Yeah. YeahNo,

no,

yay. I'm just not sure what it is. Hey,

lady. Lady, sing it with me.

Yay. Yay.

No. Yay. Get it right,

lady.

Go. Yeah. No.

Yay. You go, lady.

Yeah. No.

Yay. I'm just not sure what that

is. You go. You do it after me. Yay.

Yeah. No. Lady, listen

to me. Lady.

Yay.

Wait, say it one more time. Yay.

Yeah. No, Lady,

listen, Lady.

Yay. I'm just not sure what that

is. I'm obviously sorry, Lady. If you

repeat it after me, then you'll know what

song it is. OK, OKDo it. Do it

now. You go. Ba-boop boop

boop ooh yay! Yay! That's

it. Yay! That's great. Now give

me the record. I don't know what it is.

Give me the record, Jimmy. Yay! I just

don't know what it is. I'm awfully sorry.

OK. Well, you have a good day. Ba-boop

boop boop. Ohh You do it one more

time, lady. Do it one more time. Ba-boop

boop boop oh yay!

Yay! That's great.

Yay!