02x08 - House Divided

[bunniefuu]

♪ Jim Bowie, Jim Bowie

♪ He was a bold adventuring man ♪

♪ Jim Bowie, Jim Bowie

♪ Battled for right with a powerful hand ♪

♪ His blade was tempered and so was he ♪

♪ Indestructible steel was he

♪ Jim Bowie, Jim Bowie

♪ He was a fighter, a fearless and mighty adventuring man ♪

[singers humming]

[g*n firing]

[singers humming]

- Ohhh.

[singers humming]

[door creaking]

- Are you alone?

- Yes, I'm--

Who are you, where am I?

- Please, not so loud, I'm not supposed to be in here.

- Well neither am I.

Hey, wait a minute, you're the girl I saw in the cabin.

- It was all a terrible mistake.

See, Dan thought you were the overseer spying on us.

- Well that must be very comforting for the overseer.

What's the idea of plugging me?

Or the overseer, for that matter?

- I said it was a mistake, and we're both terribly sorry.

If Mother catches me in here, she'll skin me alive.

- Well she'll have to wait her turn, if you don't do

something about getting this b*llet out of me.

- We sent for Dr. Blanchett.

Oh please promise me something.

- Promise you what?

Here, help me up a little higher, will you?

- You've just got to help us.

- Easy now, easy.

- All you have to do is promise

not to say anything about how you got shot.

No matter what.

- Well dog my cats, first you g*n a man down

and then you ask him to lie about it.

- [Celia] Oh please.

- Celia!

[groaning]

- I was only trying to make him more comfortable, Mother.

- I have two eyes in my head, young woman.

That settles it, he's moving out.

- Now, Samantha, don't jump to conclusions.

Celia's a good girl, and Jim Bowie here is a fine gentleman.

He invented the best fighting knife.

- Exactly, a knife fighter, gentleman indeed.

- Well those are harsh words, ma'am.

- I think I can explain about the--

- Then suppose you start by explaining how a man

in your condition found himself in the middle

of the night on our doorstep.

- On your doorstep?

Well, I was--

- That's right, Jim, I woke up to an awful

clatter at the door, and there you were,

bleeding all over the deck.

- Celia, leave the room.

- And please see what's keeping that doctor, will you?

- I will.

- As for you, Mr. Bowie, I've already made arrangements

to have you move into the Jeffers' side of the house.

- Have me moved, why?

- Now, Pet, act in haste and repent in leisure.

- You keep out of his, Captain,

you're not on your quarter deck.

- More's the pity.

- Your wife, Captain?

- And my daughter, Celia, Jim.

And I guess I'll have to move you.

- Look, why can't I stay here?

- Well you heard her, Jim, I'm sorry, up we go.

- Easy, man, I'm not a sack of potatoes.

- Welcome aboard, Bowie.

I've been sorta like a ship without a rudder

since the breakup.

Dan, give me a hand.

This is my son, Daniel.

- Oh, careful, Captain.

- Hmph.

[speaking foreign language]

- There you be, Bowie, safely berthed.

How you feeling?

- I feel like a drink.

- I'll send you up a snort, while I see what

became of Doc Blanchett.

You stay here, Dan, keep him company.

- About last night, Mr. Bowie, I--

- Yeah, about last night.

- Celia and I were running away from home.

That cabin's been our secret meeting place for months.

When you rode up with that g*n in your hand,

like you were trailing us, I,

well I just panicked, I guess.

- Yeah, I guess you did.

- Well you would have too.

Celia and I with plans, and a stupid family feud

keeping us separated.

- Family feud?

Why your father and Captain Matt Brady

are the fastest friends in the delta.

- Everything's all mixed up.

- Me included.

- It's not puppy love, but do they see that?

No, I'm not old enough.

Celia marrying that rich Creole, Monsieur LeClair.

- Who, Alphonse LeClair?

Why, he's old enough to be her grandfather.

- I know.

But her mother arranged it.

And then my mother decided I should

finish my education in Paris.

They're both trying to out-snob each other.

What they're doing is making everybody,

including themselves, miserable.

- Here you go, Signor Bowie,

a good red win from Italy.

We shall have you well in no time,

no thanks to those Bradys, huh?

- Mama.

- Don't shush me, Daniel, in my own half a house,

I do and say as I wish.

Drink it up, Signor.

- Well thank you.

- I am Liza Jeffers, if you did not know.

- Pleasure, ma'am.

Will you tell me, what is all this nonsense

about a feud between you and the Bradys?

- No, no, it is not nonsense, Signor.

h* h*, you have seen the line downstairs dividing the house?

- I sure have.

- Well then, we keep to our side,

and the Bradys keep to theirs.

If anyone crosses this line, [speaks foreign language]

he has lost his half of the estate to the other family.

- You see, Mr. Bowie, how ridiculous can people get?

- Danny, you let Mama do the talking, eh?

Now go, like a good boy.

Go and see what is keeping Papa and the doc.

Papa and Theodore, they never know what is good for them.

- Now about this feud.

Wouldn't it be much simpler for you to sell you share

of the house and move someplace else?

- What? And give in to that Samantha?

[speaking foreign language]

Oh no, never, Signor Bowie, never.

Drink it up, come on, drink your wine,

and we don't talk any more about it.

- Yes, ma'am, I mean, no, ma'am.

[door opening]

- Where is your father?

The kitchen range has stopped drawing again.

- Upstairs, Mother, I'm going for a walk.

- Now, what about your piano practice?

- Oh, Mother, you know the piano's

on the wrong side of the house.

- Oh, what a pity.

And Monsieur LeClair is so fond of music.

- Well maybe I could speak to Captain--

- We can do very nicely without that.

- Well well well, good morning, Daniel.

- Good morning, Doctor.

- Good morning, Mrs. Brady, Signor.

- Good morning, Dr. Blanchett.

- Well I am glad you still speak to me,

if not to each other.

- It's not my doing, Doctor.

- Please, do not involve me in this farce.

I am strictly impartial.

- Are you?

Did you come when my daughter Celia sent for you?

No, but you came when the Jeffers sent for you.

- Strong character, strong but dyspeptic.

Well, to business.

Apres-vouz, Mon Capitan.

[singers humming theme]

[birds chirping]

- Oh, Celia, we've gotta tell them the truth.

- Dan, there's still time.

Still a chance we can patch this thing up.

- LeClair's coming tomorrow night to sign

that marriage contract.

- I know, but why must we hurt them, Dan?

I love my mother and father, and you love yours.

Maybe it was all a mistake.

- Maybe it was.

- Dan.

No, Dan.

[singers humming]

- You're a lucky fellow, Monsieur, no bones broken.

Now, to have the b*llet out.

- Let's get it over now, Doctor.

- Splendid, we will use the kitchen table.

Plenty of hot water there.

- No, will you not, Doctor.

That is not our half of the house.

- Come come, Madame, this is no time for games.

- Perhaps, I could speak to--

- You will speak to no one, Lem.

We can use the drawing room fireplace,

as we have been doing.

[speaking foreign language]

- I'll make my own arrangements.

[speaking foreign language]

- Isn't there some kind of a swap you can make?

I mean, isn't there something the Bradys would like

in exchange for use of the kitchen?

- But of course, the piano for Celia.

I will arrange it with the servants.

- Be kinda nice to her Celia playing again.

Like old times.

- Like no old times I ever knew.

- Voila, Monsieur Bowie.

Now, two or three days of peace and quiet,

and you should be able to ride out again.

- Peace and quiet, in this madhouse?

You must be joking, Doctor.

- It is no joke, Monsieur, I assure you.

You have lost much blood.

So, you will stay here and be quiet for two or three days.

That is an order.

- If you say so.

I guess that puts it squarely up to me.

- And what is up to you, Mr. Bowie?

- If I'm gonna get peace and quiet in this house,

then I'm gonna have to bring it to the rest of the place,

even if it means skinning a couple of cats, ow!

- Peace and quiet, Mr. Bowie, peace and quiet.

[soft piano playing]

[keys banging]

- Celia, that will do.

When you make a mistake, you must not let

your emotions get the better of you.

Matt, take Mr. Bowie's tray to the line.

And be careful.

- Lem.

Signor Bowie's breakfast is ready.

- Now, Celia, we don't wish Monsieur LeClair

to think we're complete barbarians.

Let's begin where we left off.

[upbeat piano music]

[door knocking]

- [Lem] Bowie, you awake?

- [Jim] Come in.

- Say, young fellow, you're not supposed to be on deck yet.

That's doctor's orders.

- Bother that doctor, I'm not on my deathbed.

What you got there?

- A hot breakfast.

Swapping the piany for the use of the kitchen

was a good idea, Bowie.

- I can hear Celia play.

See, Lem, all you gotta to is use the brains God gave you.

- Well, maybe.

But you're not out of the woods yet.

- What you mean by that?

- When Samantha Brady heard you were a friend of this

LeClair, she added a new condition to our swap.

- What's that?

- You're moving back to the Brady side

of the house right after breakfast.

- Moving back to the--

Peace and quiet, peace and quiet.

- Take it easy.

- Hey.

Now wait a minute, this is good.

This is just right.

- You started this, you know?

- Yeah, and I aim to finish it, with a little help from you.

- Help, why I'll do anything to stop this feuding.

- It's not really feuding, is it?

I think this is more a battle between your womenfolk.

Isn't that right, Lem?

- Mmm. - I thought so.

- Now tell me, what do you think would happen if you

and Matt Brady were to take up your wives' quarrel,

actually come to blows?

Well I think they'd be the first to step in

and try and make peace.

They'd see how foolish this petty feud is.

- Come to blows with Matt?

Well I'm game if he is, but who's gonna tell him?

- I will, just as soon as I get

moved over to the Bradys' side, you see?

- Well I'm in the channel so far, but what's your plan?

- The doctor says I can leave here tomorrow.

Now why don't you arrange with the ladies

to have a joint dinner tonight celebrating my recovery?

- How can we have a joint dinner with that line down?

- Put the table in the hall, on the line, halfway across.

- Then what?

- Nothing, until dinner's over.

Then, you call on me to make a toast.

- Yes?

- And from then on, I think things'll go

full speed ahead, Captain.

[diners chattering]

- Now a toast, Mr. Bowie, please.

[applause]

- Speech, speech. - Speech, speech.

- Now I'm not much good at making speeches,

but yes, I would like to propose a toast.

Ladies and gentlemen, to this house, a house divided.

And to its two fine masters of the quarter deck,

Captain Matt Brady,

Captain Lem Jeffers.

Old friends who once ruled the Delta with an iron hand,

but now,

lack the courage to be masters in their own house.

- Own up to it, you spineless jellyfish.

You were the first one to knuckle under, not me.

- That's a lie!

It was you who ran up the white flag first,

and you know it, you fat old windbag.

- You can't talk to me like that, you,

you keelboat roustabout.

- Father, please.

Now see what you've done.

- No potbellied ship chandler's clerk

blows the whistle on me.

- Sit down, Father.

- Yes, it seems I started something I can't finish.

Ladies, can't you do something?

- It will be interesting to see how far they will go.

Sit down, Danny.

- For once, I agree with you.

Neither one of them could hurt a fly, much less each other.

- Now, gentlemen, please forget what I said.

- Now you keep outta this, Bowie.

You take back that part where you called me a clerk.

I have never been a clerk.

I'm not fooling, Jeffers.

- And I've never been a roustabout,

and I'm not taking back nothing.

- Well then, maybe this will teach you to have some manners.

Now, who's a windbag?

- That, was a challenge.

- I meant it to be.

- I choose pistols.

Will dawn tomorrow be satisfactory?

- Perfectly, sir.

- No, Lem, you cannot sh**t the p*stol.

Please don't go ahead with this.

- Sit down, Liza, I know what I'm doing.

- Sit down, Matt, and stop acting like a two-year-old

- Sit down yourself, Samantha, this is a man's job.

And as we have no seconds,

would you kindly officiate, Mr. Bowie?

- Yes, that will suit me fine, too.

- With pleasure, gentlemen, I mean, yes.

[singers humming]

[rain falling]

[singers humming]

- Lem, Matt, one last appeal, call this thing off.

Very well, gentlemen, you'll each take 10 steps forward

as I count them off, then turn and face each other.

You may fire at will when I drop my handkerchief.

Doctor, could you lend me a handkerchief?

Is that understood?

On your marks,

one,

two,

three,

four,

five,

six.

- We must stop them.

- Too late now, Mama.

- Eight,

nine.

- Oh, Mother.

Mother [cries].

- 10.

Turn, gentlemen.

- Now all we can do is pray for the powder to get wet.

- It's all that woman's fault.

- Looks like nobody's gonna budge.

I'll have to drop it.

- No, no!

Stop, stop it, stop it.

[murmuring]

- All of you, all of you, back, back.

That's it.

[rain falling]

- Now, Celia what is this?

- Silence, silence, silence.

It is nothing unusual

for a woman with child to faint now and then.

[everyone arguing]

- I'll k*ll him.

- Now just a minute, Grandpa.

- It's all right, Captain, we've been married for months.

[chattering]

- I'll take these, gentlemen.

- What was that you called me, Bowie?

- He called you Grandpappy, you old windbag.

- Well, so are you, you old jellyfish.

[laughing]

- How about you two ladies?

You're not gonna continue hissing and spitting

and scratching like a couple of,

I mean, not now that you're gonna share

the same grandchild, are you?

- No.

I have been a cat, Liza, forgive me.

- Not half as catty as I have been, Samantha.

And to think that one of our husbands might have been

k*lled, couldn't he, Signor Bowie?

- Well I'd rather not comment on that right now, ma'am,

I'll tell you later.

- Samantha.

[singers humming]

[door knocking]

- Morning.

[chattering]

Well, Mrs. Brady, Mrs. Jeffers, good morning.

- Good morning, Mr. Bowie.

- Matt, Lem, well I'm glad to see I'm not late.

Had a little trouble deciding what to wear.

I've never been a godfather before.

- Oh, the first time is always the hardest, Bowie.

- Lem, shame on you.

- Well, here's a christening present.

Not just for the baby, for all of you,

as a kind of reminder.

- Can we open it?

- Well, a woman's work, here.

- Oh, well, all right.

- [Celia] We're ready everybody.

- Morning, Celia, Dan.

- [Daniel] Mr. Bowie.

- Well now, look at this.

What's his name, what do you call him?

- [Matt] James Bowie Brady Jeffers,

what else could it be?

- Well dog my cats.

- Look, everybody.

Two b*ll*ts.

- The two shot I didn't load in the pistols that morning.

[laughing]

♪ Jim Bowie, Jim Bowie

♪ He was a fighter, a fearless and mighty adventuring man ♪